Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

(announcer) Dave... Chappelle!

What's up!

Oh, man.

What's poppin', y'all?

I don't know if you guys know this,

but my favorite TV show is comin' back on the air.

It's called "Making the Band."

Wooo, it's a beast!

Puff Daddy takes five people, puts 'em in a house together,

makes 'em cut a record for Bad Boy.

They argue, they fight... oh, the fights!

The drama!

If you haven't seen the first season,

you don't know what I'm talkin' about.

Here's the highlights from the first season.

(hip-hop music)

("P. Diddy") Congratulations.

Y'all made it inside the house, you did good.

All right, this is what's up:

You can live here, you can record here,

you can be Bad Boy artists here.

But if you wanna do it,

first y'all gotta walk to Queens and get me a sugar cookie.

(Jamaican accent) A sugar cookie, man, this is crazy.

We got... come on, man... Bad Boy.

A sugar cookie, man.

Look, this is not what I got in the music business to be doing.

To be a sugar cookie-getter, you know, I'm a rapper.

Who are the five best rappers of all time?

Think about it.

Dylan, Dylan...

Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

Because I spit hot fire.

It's a good-ass sugar cookie.

You guys are official, now, welcome to Bad Boy.

It's Bad Boy, baby.

Can't stop... won't stop.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm sending y'all to the studio.

I want you to turn Daddy out a hit,

but I need you to be a family unit

and love each other, or this will never work.

That's right, man, that's right.

Go out there and get Daddy a hit.

I'm gonna take a nap.

What'd you do?!

(shouting)

Let 'em fight, let 'em fight!

(punching)

I'm shuttin' the studio down.

(record scratch)

The only way I could keep the studio open

is if y'all go out

and walk through northern New Jersey,

get me a set of left-handed golf clubs.

I also need you to take a picture with a midget,

holdin' these balloons.

(P. Diddy) Take a picture with a midget,

holdin' these balloons... holdin' these balloons...

you did it.

You went out, you found my man, you found a midget, man,

and you got the pictures, you got the golf clubs...

here's the keys to the studio.

Now, if y'all excuse me,

I'm goin' scuba diving with Chris Tucker and Aquaman.

You be cool... giddyup.

(punching)

(Dylan) What's happening?

We're supposed to be a family.

What are you doing?

Not like this, man!

Y'all not workin' like a team.

I gotta shut the studio down, yo.

(record scratch)

All right, the only way I'll open the studio up now,

y'all gotta walk uptown to the Bronx

and get breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

I only drink the finest breast milks.

Go out there and milk a Cambodian.

It's 100% Cambodian, yo.

It's the real shit.

(clink clink clink)

Breast milk...

you made my day-ayyy...

not only am I gonna open the studio up,

I'm sendin' you in there with a legend.

That's right, Wyclef, playboy.

No disrespect, I wanted to work with Wyclef

more than I wanted to work with Puff.

Yo, Dylan, you ready to get it started, baby?

All right, here we go.

(clears throat)

Bumbaclaat bumbaclaat

bumba bumba bumbaclaat

a rump un tomp a rump un ting

a rumpa tumpa tump a rump un sting

I rip and I rhyme I rhyme and I rip

'dis is the way that Dylan spits...

you... you tryin' to get some of this hot fire?

We can either make this song, or not make this song.

You're too close, man! You're too close, man!

Hey, you all gonna choke a legend?

You don't think I wann' choke people?

You can't just choke all your problems.

This takes hard work.

If I had my way, I'd never work.

I'd just stay home all day, watch "Scarface" 50 times,

eat a turkey sandwich,

and have sex all fuckin' day.

Then I'd dress up like a clown and surprise kids at schools.

Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater,

and just wait,

'til somebody sat in it, hear it squish.

That's funny to me.

Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin.

I'd climb the mountains

and sing the songs that I like to sing.

But I don't got that kinda time.

Playboy... playboy.

You just gonna comb your hair, playboy?

Sara, you just gonna talk up all your anytime minutes?

Is this anytime? Huh?

Babs, you just gonna sit there and chop onions right now?

Good time to chop onions?

Look at this nigga...

you just gonna do your taxes, Ness?

You just gonna sit there and crunch numbers?

Huh, is that hot?

Is that what's goin' on in the streets right now, your taxes?

All right, look...

I got some good news and I got some bad news, y'all.

The bad news is that I'm shuttin' down the studio.

(record scratch)

The good news

is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance.

Fonzworth! Bring me a sandwich!

(Outkast's "The Way You Move" plays)

He can fly, man.

He can fly, he believes in himself.

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.

(applause)

We gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

Don't go nowhere,

we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Oww.!

Hey, everybody, welcome back.

You know, folks, you ever be watchin' a ball game,

and then these beer commercials come on

and it just makes it seem like dudes go out and drink beer,

and have the best time?

Let me tell you somethin' about drinkin' beer.

Drinkin' beer brings the animal out in somebody.

And I know alcohol companies sponsor my show.

I ain't talkin' about them.

Them shits are delicious.

I'm talkin' about the rest of 'em, they go too far.

The ads are irresponsible.

Why don't they make an honest commercial

that shows the animal that beer brings out?

Like this.

Hey... what night is it, guys?

(all) Dudes' night out!

Yeah!

Dudes, dudes, dudes...

I don't know what it is, you know?

Oh.

Yo, excuse me, what are you...?

Hey, man, what do you mean, don't worry about it?!

I bought that bitch a drink!

I don't play that!

Eh! eh! Look out, Billy!

Oh! what?!

You think this is a game, bl-yatch?!

This is dudes' night out!

Ahhhh!

Motherfucker!

Dudes' night out!

Only reason I'm cryin' is 'cause of the adrenaline.

Oh, no, man, no!

Dudes' night out!

(tinkling)

Dudes' night out!

Hey... hey, little lady...

y'all wanna party wit' us?

Oh!

Oh, nigga, that's a dude!

Shut the fuck up, Dave.

I am drunk, and I am horny.

Hey, baby...

Ha! You're jealous, Dave!

(Dave) No, don't do it!

Noooo!

Dudes' night out!

Let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Yo.

A mouth's a mouth, man.

What?

I'm out.

Billy, what are you doin'?

Billy... billy!

Ahh!

I'm just gonna be a minute.

Hey, Steve! Hey, you guys!

(billy) Yo, Tommy... Tony... whatever your name is.

'Bye, Dave.

When it's dudes' night out, it's got to be Schlipp's.

Hey, everybody, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

But don't go nowhere, we'll be right back.

Okay!

Turn on your t.v. What you gonna see

welcome back!

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

Y'know, folks...

I don't know about any of you guys,

but I'm a parent, all right?

There's a lot of wild things goin' on in the world,

and it's very hard to explain these things to your children.

That's all right, 'cause tonight I'm going to help you.

I have created a show that helps to explain

the evils of the world to youth,

in a way that they can understand

and that's palatable to them.

And I hope you enjoy it.

Here it is.

(kiddie music)

Hey, everyone, look what I found.

It's... it's a dagger!

Wow! Wow!

Whoa, that's not a toy, there, Robert!

Bobble!

Hey, kids.

Hey, you better be careful when you're handlin' those things.

That's not a dagger at all, it's called a syringe.

People use it to inject a drug called heroin

directly into their bloodstream.

Why?

Probably because you get higher that way

than sniffing it.

Bobble, why do people get high?

Oh, very good question, young lady.

For all kinds of reasons.

Some people think they need it just to get through the day.

And some people just like to party

and can quit whenever they want.

Like me.

Dah!

Ohhh...

eeeeyaahhh...

uhh.

Kids, there are a lot of double standards

about drugs in this country.

(music starts)

Kids, it's time to keep it real

life is hard

and I can't deal

I know it looks a certain way

but people get high every day...

some people do it with cigarette smokin'

others treat their headaches with ibuprofen

your grandpa talks about self-respect

and then he takes drugs to keep his cock erect

but it's all drugs to me

it's all drugs to me

(moans)

That junk's kickin' in, kids.

It feels like I have a million teeny tiny kitty cats

rubbing my balls,

as I skeet skeet skeet all over the walls!

Ah ha ha haaa!

Lemme bring this bitch home.

They're all...

drugs... to...

meeeee

I'm going to the emergency room.

Bye-bye, kids.

You see, kids, always throw away your trash.

Uhh.

I'm fuckin' dyin', man!

Hey!

(kids) It's Stinky the Grom.

Fuck you, too.

What's wrong, Stinky?

Besides livin' in a trash can

and havin' a syringe lodged in my fuckin' head,

nothin', I guess.

Where are your parents, anyway?

My mommy and daddy are at work.

Oh, yeah?

Well, me, I gave up workin' a long time ago.

Don't give up, Stinky!

My dad says, if you never give up, and work hard,

all your dreams will come true.

That's the gayest shit I ever heard.

What?

(music starts)

I don't believe yo' pappy

he may be rich but he ain't happy

tells you 'bout work and you want to be him

but when's the last time you got to see him?

He works hard, why?

So you can go out and buy

a bunch of shit that you don't need

driven by your punk-ass hopes and greed

that's why I say

fuck it

for the first time in my life

I'm finally free

no mansion for me I said "fuck it"

no brand new Humvee I say "fuck it"

but you'll get no pussy

fuck it

what you don't understand

is I make love to my hand

so I don't need you, honey

I beat my dick like it owes me money

fuck it

that's right, I said fuck it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go and make me a nice feces sandwich.

Look, it's Dangle!

And, hey, you're Chris Rock!

It's Dave Chappelle, but... close enough.

Where are you guys going?

Well, Dangle's not feeling well,

so I'm taking him to the doctor.

What's wrong, Dangle?

Actually, it's my penis.

What's that?

(unzipping)

(kids) Ewww...

when I pee-pee it burns like hell.

I have what's known as a "venereal disease."

How did you get it?

From fuckin'.

I got so much puppet ass, it could be from anywhere!

What's the sickness called?

I'm not sure, Robert.

That's why we're going to the doctor.

There's a lot of different kinds of penis sicknesses out there.

Isn't that right, Q-Tip?

That's right, Dave.

All kinds.

Sex isn't wrong but you gotta be right

if you're hitting the sheets then wrap it up tight

listen up, kids 'cause I ain't jokin'

one bad decision

your dick will be smokin'

you'll catch a VD But don't take it from me...

(sizzling)

Oh, hello, Dave Chappelle, haven't seen you for a while.

What's it been, two months?

Dirty motherfucker!

Oh... here come the crabs.

The crabs

oh yes.

The crab the crabssss...

ole!

This nigga's a freak.

I'm the herpes the herpes

see you in hell, motherfuckers.

Ooh, baby, I like it raw.

Oh, gosh.

Wow, life is hard.

Nah, it's not, Lisa.

All right, look, if you just remember

to keep your genitals outta harm's way,

don't chase money, and refrain from littering...

you'll be a winner!

(kids cheering)

Q-Tip, take us home!

Come on, kids!

It's a VD day

VD day a VD day

it's a VD day

VD day a VD day

we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

VD is in the house, what's up, VD?

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids.

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's musical guest,

the voice of Dangle,

none other than Snoop Doggy Dogg!

Yeah, what up...

who let this motherfuckin' basehead on stage?

Hit this motherfucker, G!

Nah, man, I can't do that shit.

What?!

I been dealin' here for five months,

and he ain't hit the pipe in front of me yet!

So what you sayin'?

I'm sayin', I think you 5-0.

5-0?

Nigga, I ain't 5-0.

Well then, hit this motherfucker, then!

I can feel it!

Have to show this nigga I ain't no motherfuckin' police...

I'm a take you on a ride, Tyrone.

Check this out, nigga.

Creep with me as I crawl through the 'hood

maniac, lunatic call 'em Snoop Eastwood

kickin' dust as I bust fuck peace

and, the motherfuckin' punk police

you already know I gives a fuck about a cop

so why in the fuck would you think that it would stop?

Plot, hell yeah that's what I'm about to do

take your ass on a mission with the boys in blue

Dre... what up, Snoop yo I got the feelin'

tonight's the night like Betty Wright

and I'm chillin'

killin', feelin' no remorse, yeah

so let's go straight to the motherfuckin' source

and see what we can find

crooked-ass cops that pop us and give us a gang of times

and now they wanna make a deal with me

scoop me up and put me on they team

and chill with me and make my pockets bigger

they want to meet with me tonight at 7:00

so whassup nigga? What you wanna do?

What you tryin' to do?

I got the gauge, my uzi and your motherfuckin'.22

so if you wanna blast nigga, we can buck 'em

if we stick 'em then we stuck 'em so fuck 'em

I said, yeah and you don't stop

'cause it's 1-8-7 on a motherfuckin' rock

yeah, and you don't stop

'cause it's 1-8-7 on the motherfuckin' rock

on the motherfuckin' rock?

1-8-7 on the motherfuckin'...

rock... that's how I do.

I can't put you on that one.

(applause)

Like to thank my guest, Snoop Dogg.

I'd like to thank venereal diseases,

and the kids and everybody.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watchin'.

I will see you next week.

I'm rich bi-yatch!

(honk honk)

Hi, thank you!

I have what's known as a sexually transmitted disease.

(man) How'd you get it?

From fuckin'.

(laughs)

(clink clink clink clink)

Breast milk...

(laughs)