Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

Hey.

What... oh, snap.

Oh, thanks, yo, thanks, yo.

Welcome everybody, welcome to Chappelle's Show.

Welcome, man.

Thanks for coming out tonight, yo.

You know, I almost was afraid no one would be here.

I had a conversation that upset me,

where a dude said my show was offensive to black people.

Normally, that doesn't bother me, but he was white.

So, it freaked me out...

(laughing)

He had me thinking for a second, word?

But he might have a point.

I'm not gonna discount him just because he was white.

Who knows.

Some people just know black people, right?

Yo, I'm serious, they got, like, gut instincts.

Some people know black people.

But who are those people?

We don't know.

So we got some people, and we put them to the test.

Now, what you're about to see is absolutely real.

These are real people.

This is not, this is not actors.

This is the real deal.

Give it up for my new game show.

Welcome to the show. "I Know Black People,"

where we take contestants who claim to know black people

and put their knowledge

of African-American culture to the test.

The contestant who answers the most questions, of course,

wins our grand prize.

Let's bring them out one at a time now.

Our first contestant is a professor of

African American studies and history

at Fordham University.

A New York City police officer.

This is a writer for such black television shows

as the Chris Rock Show and Chappelle's Show.

Okay, our next contestant

works in a Korean grocery store.

...is a DJ. And claims to have many black friends.

...is a social worker in Wilmington, Delaware.

Most of his boys he goes to school with are black.

A barber in Brooklyn who claims that 100%

of his clients are black.

Let's play the game.

What is a "badonkadonk?"

A badonkadonk.

A badonkadonk is like a, uh,

a incredibly attractive ass.

(dinging) That is correct.

A badonkadonk.

Big penis.

(buzzing) I don't know.

He's talking about my rear end, I think.

(dinging) That is correct.

(laughs)

You do have a badonkadonk.

I may have heard that once or twice before, yeah.

...I'm tellin' ya, Washington Heights,

they'll tell the cops,

"girl, you've got a badonkadonk."

Ohh, that's junk in the trunk,

that's what you put your mug on,

you saddle up and ride, that's a big ass.

(dinging) He is correct.

(dinging) Junk in the trunk, what you put your mug up,

(dinging) Saddle up and ride, or an ass,

are all acceptable answers.

Black people.

Why do black people love menthols so much?

I don't, I don't know.

(dinging) That is correct.

All right.

Nobody knows, nobody knows for sure.

'Cause that's what Newports are?

(dinging) That is correct.

Is it a fact that they like menthol cigarettes?

I'm not even sure.

I don't know.

(dinging) That is correct.

No one knows.

Black people.

On the popular show "Good Times,"

what did Mr. Bookman do for a living?

Ohh, he was the handyman.

(dinging) That is correct.

He was the super.

(dinging) That is correct.

Let's see, I don't know who Bookman was on "Good Times,"

so I'm gonna have to take a guess.

Um, was he a janitor?

(dinging) That is correct.

Amazing.

Did not know see the show. yet knows that Bookman

was cleaning up.

(dinging) He was the janitor

(dinging) And his nickname was Buffalo Butt.

That is correct and a bonus point.

Thank you.

Black people.

Could you name any of Bookman's nicknames?

Booger.

(dinging) That is correct.

Buffalo Butt.

(dinging) That is correct.

Chi-chi?

Chi-chi?

I am checking the judges for chi-chi.

(buzzing) I'm sorry that is incorrect.

His name was Bookman?

Yes, and he was fat.

What did they call him?

Ah, "Fat Janitor Guy."

(buzzing)

Black people.

Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

Because he was white.

(dinging) That is correct.

Because he was white.

(dinging) That is correct.

Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

Because he took all his money.

(dinging) That is correct.

Because he was a Republican.

(dinging) That is correct.

Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

Hmm, he wasn't suppose to be trusted in the first place.

(dinging) He is correct.

Black people.

Tito, is pimping easy?

No.

(dinging) That is correct.

No.

(dinging) That is correct.

Um, Big Daddy Kane would say, "it ain't easy."

(dinging) "Pimping ain't easy," he is correct.

It's hard.

(dinging) Correct.

All right, I have a hard time with it myself.

Yes, pimping, as a matter of fact, ain't easy.

Is pimping easy?

Hell, yeah.

(dinging) Somehow that is correct.

Black people.

Woah, the competition's heating up.

Don't go anywhere,

because we'll be right back with more I know black people.

(cheering)

We'll find out who wins later in the show,

but don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's show.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

You know, folks...

there's a lot of talk on the streets

about "keeping it real."

I hear men saying it, I hear women saying it,

we all just gotta be careful.

When you're "keeping it real," pick your spots.

Reality is hidden for a reason.

And now we will show you why.

You're watching "When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."

Brenda Johnson was at home one night

eating popcorn and watching television with her girlfriend.

The telephone rang.

(ringing)

Hello.

(dial tone)

Brenda had a simple choice to make:

Ignore the mild rudeness of someone hanging up on her

or "keep it real."

Fuck that, I don't like people playing on my phone.

Girl, don't even trip, you bigger than that.

No.

I don't like people playing on my phone.

But in reality, it had nothing to do

with people playing on her phone.

Brenda had long suspected her boyfriend Jamal

of cheating on her.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

(ringing)

Hello.

Did you just call here, bitch?

Excuse me?

I know you just called here, don't play dumb with me.

Stop fucking my man!

I don't know what you're talking about.

I dialed the wrong number, okay.

I star-69-ed you, you dirty ho.

You and I both know you sleeping with Jamal.

No, I was trying to call my aunt.

Oh, bitch, please.

You a bitch and so is your aunt.

(dial tone)

Oh, no she did not hang up on me again.

Again?

Brenda could've ended the conflict there.

You wanna play, bitch?

Let's play.

But she decided to push her real-o-meter into the red.

'Cause I keeps it real like that.

Brenda went onto her computer and did a reverse look-up

of Janice's number.

Not only did she get Janice's address but directions as well.

I'm fix'n to ride on this bitch.

You won't be fucking Jamal in this car, ho!

Take that you clap-having jezebel.

It was a wrong number!

Fuck that!

I don't like people playing on my phone.

I keeps it real.

What Brenda didn't know is that Janice was borrowing the car

from her older brother, a federal agent.

She also didn't know that defacing a government vehicle

is considered a felony in certain cases.

This being one of them.

After a short trial, Brenda was sentenced to six years

in federal prison.

What's really hood, bitch?

Brenda knew it was important to establish her realness

early in prison.

Confronted by another pivotal decision,

she decided then and there to keep it real.

All right, bitch, let's settle this right now.

Oh!

The three women were all serving consecutive life sentences.

It turned out they kept it realer.

(screaming)

And as for her boyfriend Jamal..

You wanna talk about keeping it real?

He was cheating on Brenda with her best friend.

I keeps it real.

(laughs)

Ain't that right, shorty?

That's right.

From eating popcorn in the comfort of her own home

to eating fruit cocktail off of a prison floor,

Brenda rounds...

fuck that!

I don't like people playing on my phone.

Just another case of what can happen

"When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong.

Oh, shit.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

don't go anywhere everybody.

We'll be right back.

I'm serious.

Man.

The greatest show.

What's happening, everybody?

Welcome back.

And now let's see who's gonna be the winner of

"I Know Black People."

Competition's been stiff in the first act.

Let's see how it goes in the next round.

Are you ready?

What is a loosey?

Now, I should know this.

Ahh, a smoke.

(dinging) Damn, that's... that's absolutely correct.

A single cigarette.

A loose cigarette.

(dinging) That is correct.

A cigarette.

(dinging) That is correct.

What is a loosey?

Is that a, ah, a way of saying oral sex.

(buzzing)

No, but we should start saying that.

What is a loosey?

One cigarette bought at the store from the Arabs.

(dinging) That is correct.

A cigarette bought at the store,

one loose cigarette, from an Arab.

Black people.

What is a chickenhead?

That's a woman who, um,

puts her mouth on the member of a...

or sometimes called a crackwhore.

(dinging) That is acceptable.

That is one of the many definitions of a chickenhead.

A fellatious woman.

Here we go.

Mark, things are looking up.

Um, let's see.

Somebody on TV used to say chickenhead.

You're such a chickenhead.

I don't know what show this is,

but I'd like to see it.

Somebody who's stupid.

(buzzing)

No, a chickenhead is a hoochie, whore,

or a fellatious woman, apparently.

It can be used for different things.

It's mostly used to describe

a ho or an ugly woman.

(dinging) A woman that likes to suck penis.

A woman that likes to suck penis.

To give a loosey.

That's right, to give a loosey.

What is a chickenhead?

Oh, you can find that anywhere

in the hood, on the block.

It's a bird,

one of those that you just bring home and wear out.

(dinging) That is correct.

A bird that you bring home and wear out.

That is correct.

That's what they're for, that's how they're used.

Black people.

Finish this good time lyric:

"Temporary layoffs. Good times"

"easy credit rip-offs."

"Good times"

"scratching and surviving."

"Good times."

"Blank... "

"good times"

I know that one character on "Good Times"

was JJ Walker.

That's very good.

I get mistaken for him a lot in shopping malls.

Another actress on good times is Lenny Kravitz's mother.

(buzzing)

Oh, I'm sorry, that was "The Jeffersons,"

but close.

"Easy credit rip offs

"good times

"scratching and surviving

"good times

(humming)

"Good times."

Damn.

"Ain't we lucky we got 'em

"good times."

Yeah, uh...

I remember when Willis had a drinking problem.

(buzzing)

"Scratching and surviving."

"Good times."

"Blank... "

"good times."

Hmm, and I've always wondered this myself.

And it sounds like "hangin' in a jury,"

but it's, it's, it's, and is it a...

say that one more time.

Say what you just said one more time.

(in soprano) Hangin' in a jury

um, and I always thought, as a kid,

does that mean that someone is hung in a jury?

But I didn't, I didn't...

you know, I have to say you can tell

I know the actual song,

but those are ones I never could decipher what it was.

It was a...

Brian Tucker just pointed out a fact that is very true.

This is the most disputed lyric

in all of the "Good Times" lyrics.

Yes.

I am inclined to give him the point.

I look at my judges...

(dinging) He gets the point.

All right, and what is the correct lyric?

The correct lyric:

"Hangin' in a chow line."

I had to look it up on the Internet myself.

I thought it was "hangin' a cracker."

Black people.

And now for the final question.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

How can black people rise up and overcome?

Um, how can they rise up and overcome?

Well, can they overcome?

No.

(dinging) That is correct.

Reparations.

(dinging) That is acceptable.

This is a rap lyric?

No, this... I'm sorry.

Oh, this is a general question.

This is an actual question.

All right.

There's a complex answer there.

(dinging) That is correct.

Staying alive.

(dinging) That is correct.

That is correct.

Well stop cuttin' each others throat.

(dinging) That also is correct.

How can black people rise up and overcome?

Get out and vote.

(buzzing)

That is incorrect, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry.

Black people.

Well folks, our judges tallied up the scores,

and we have a winner.

Rob the DJ.

Rob, come on out.

Excellent job, Rob.

Congratulations.

Here's the grand prize.

Of course, it contains a lifetime supply of

Murray's hair cream.

That's right.

And one can is a lifetime supply, trust me.

Two bootleg DVDs,

and, of course, what would a grand prize be

without a pack of menthol cigarettes.

Black people.

We'll take a quick commercial break,

but don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Turn on your TV,

what you gonna see?

And now it's time for our musical performance

by the lovely, the soulful, miss Erykah Badu.

Right now, what we're gonna do

is go back, all right?

Back in the day now

back in the day when things were cool

hey

all we needed was bop-bop bop-bop bop-ba-domp

oh bop-bop bop-bop bop-da-domp

well well well

soulflower take me flying with you

hey

gimmie that bop-bop bop-bop bop-ba-domp

hey ohhhh

some of that bop-bop bop-bop bop-ba-domp

well well well

back in the day when things were cool

hey

all we needed was... back in the day

when things were cool

let me tell you what we used to do

we used to meet up with these dudes

hey

check it out

then we rolled out on hopes and truths

that's truths and hopes

my sweet honey can't go away

for a little while

when my candy's gone away from me

I'm a helpless child

I forgot

the laughin' the singin' the jammin' the talkin'

the pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up

puff

well well well

the laughin' the singin' the jammin' the talkin'

the pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up

hump - ow

how sublime

and we would ride around the park 'til its after dark

and when we get home hope the dog don't bark

puff

one-two-

I'm sugar free

in the night

so lonely

I'm sugar free

heyyyy, heyyyyy...

in the day

so lonely

I'm sugar free

so lonely so lonely

in the night

so lonely... I'm...

I'm sugar free

I'm... I'm... yeah- yeahhhhh...

in the day

so lonely

oh, sugar...

that's right.

I would like to thank my guest Erykah Badu.

I'd like to thank each and everyone of you

at home for watching,

and everybody in the room for being here.

I'll see you next week.

I am out!

I'm rich biatch.

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

All right, this one nobody got,

not even the black dude got this.

All right, you're walking down the street, right,

a black dude comes up to you,

he hands you two dimes and a nickel

and says may I have a...

what does he want?

(men and women) Case quarter.

Yes.

See, nobody got "case quarter."

Who was the only black sweathog?

No idea.

(buzzing)

Correct answer, of course, Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington.

But he didn't happen to have the answer (clap) handy.