Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for Dave Chappelle!

Oh... whoa.

Man.

Hey, everybody, what's happenin'?

What is happenin'?

What's happenin', everybody?

Thank you, thank you, oh.

Thank you, oh.

Thank you, bitches.

(laughing)

Just kidding.

Last week I went to the club, man.

I never go to clubs.

I had a ball.

Y'know that song... y'know that dude, Lil' Jon?

His music gets me so amped!

Ahh!

He just... something about his energy it's just wild.

Show his video.

Okay,

okay,

that's all he's says in the whole song, nigga.

Okay!

What!

Yeah!

That's all he ever says in any song.

I always think he's gonna rhyme,

but he, he act like somebody's about to rhyme

but just never get around to it.

Okay!

I wanna meet that dude.

I just want to see what it's like

to have a conversation with him.

I mean, what is he like in his personal life?

I wonder.

(woman) And now, a moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

Are you checking any luggage today, sir?

Ye-yeah!

Did you pack your bags yourself?

Yeah!

And the bags have been in your possession the whole time?

What?!

Have these bags been in your possession the whole time?

What?!

These bags have been in your possession the whole time?

What?!

Ah, these bags, were they in your

possession the whole time?

What?!

And these bags have been

in your possession the whole time?

Ye-yeah!

All right.

Well, Mr. Jon, you're all set.

Okay!

Uh, pardon me, madame, will this be reflected upon

my frequent flyer miles?

Did you book your flight on-line?

Yeah!

Then they will be.

Okay!

Have a nice flight. What?!

Have a nice flight. What?!

Have a nice flight. What?!

Have a nice flight.

Okay!

You've just watched

a moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

They calling me.

(Lil' Jon) Yeah!

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

Makes love to his wife and gets up...

skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

Sorry about that.

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

What?

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

You can't say that?

They say that on the radio.

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

Nah, can't say "skeet" on the radio.

I'm just going to start saying that on the show.

"Come on, let's tape, man... let's fuck it...

"if you can say skeet on the radio...

I can't... "

you know what's so dope about skeet?

White people don't know what it means yet.

When they figure it out, they're gonna be like,

"my God, what have we done!"

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

but don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back.

Didn't want to die young

steady hustlin' trying to feed my family

too scared to have kids

and do like my daddy did

'cause I'm so scared of failing.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids!

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

Yesterday, I was doing...

I was trying to find the score of the knicks' game

on the Internet.

Y'know, you go on the Internet

and you realize it's kinda, like, just so nasty.

It's the nastiest stuff that you accept on the Internet.

Like, if the Internet was a real place,

it would be disgusting and intolerable.

I'm serious.

Imagine it...

what if the Internet were a place that you could go to?

(laughing)

Excuse me, miss, um, where am I?

Oh, the Internet.

Do you know where I can find a news site?

Oh, it's down there.

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

Do-do.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy...

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Hey, man, do I know you?

It's me, buddy.

I have something really important

I need to talk to you about.

What's goin' on?

Wanna increase the size of your penis?

Up to four inches in a month, bro!

And fat too!

No, man, I'm cool.

Its all natural dude, my friend's a doctor.

Hey, brother, I'm a doctor.

You're a doctor?

Fuckin' right, I'm a doctor.

I use it myself.

Look, man, I'm cool, all right.

I don't need no penis pills.

Hey, these are not pills.

This is a salve, a cream,

you massage it into the skin...

no, come on, son.

Woah, I'm sorry for bothering you,

but I like that song.

Do you know where I can get some music around here or...?

Oh yeah, you can get it right here.

Oh.

Or you can get it right there.

(chaotic beeping)

Hey, Ron.

So, you wanna see me have sex?

No, I'm cool.

You wanna see Paris Hilton have sex with her boyfriend?

Yes, I would.

Come on. All right.

(snickering)

(man) I want you to get on top of me, face that way,

so we can see how pretty you are.

(laughs)

I don't know if that was her, man.

It was a little grainy...

that night vision you can't really tell.

I got to see that one more time, man.

Let me see one more time.

Let's go.

You know what, buddy, why don't you hold this,

I'll go in there and check it out

and then I'll be right back out, all right?

Thanks, dude.

(man) I want you to get on top of me, face that way,

so we can see how pretty you are.

That was her all right.

She played herself.

You sure you don't wanna see me have sex?

Yeah, I'm absolutely sure, man.

I just wanna get the score to the Knicks' game.

Thanks, all right.

I do a great doggie-style.

I know, Ron!

Okay, I got my stroke from you.

Thank you, Obi-Wan, I'm done with the porn.

What?!

You wanna see naked pictures?

Halle Berry from Swordfish?

Of course I do.

Come on.

(laughing)

Damn, dude, you ain't tell me they had the girl

from Price Is Right.

She got naked pictures.

Damn!

Thanks, man.

Davey... yes, sir.

Um, you into goat play?

What is goat play?

Lizzy.

(goats bleating)

Oh, oh, man, this...

all right, come on, let's just hurry up.

(bleating resumes)

Debt consolidation!

No.

Gambling! No, please.

Debt consolidation!

Ahh.

Gambling!

Ahh.

Debt consolidation! Consolidation.

Gambling! Gambling!

Enough!

Enough with the pop-ups!

Dicks!

This is wild!

Oh sh...!

How you doing?

Hello, my name is Debra.

Hey, Debra, I'm Dave.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet y'all.

You're kind of cute, Dave.

Thanks, Debra.

Come here, I want to tell you something.

Seriously, bro, I can make your penis

fat and harder for longer.

What the fuck!

You tricked me!

Ahh, this place is sick.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves, you heathens!

And no side effects, it's all natural.

Debt consolidation!

Ugh, how's that?

Gambling! Ahhh.

Spam busters, bitch!

(laughing)

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Y'all, don't go anywhere, be comfortable.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

(cheering)

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle show.

Ha, ha, go ahead!

(woman) The Theresa Roddy interview.

Here she is, Theresa Roddy.

Now, Lil' Jon, I heard that you once worked

in a fast food restaurant.

Yeah!

And you almost made it to night manager,

is that also correct?

Yeah, yeah!

Now I'm going to, ah, change the subject a little,

if that's all right with you?

What?!

I would like to change the subject.

What?!

Change the subject.

What?!

I'm gonna change the subject, if that's all right with you.

Okay!

And if this is a little sensitive...

please, feel free to stop me.

Okay!

In my research, I found out that you had been

beaten brutally by two white police officers,

ah, under mistaken identity.

Is that correct?

Yes, that is true.

That was the first time in my life that I,

that I ever experienced any type of racial discrimination.

And I made up my mind then and there

that I would try transcend these social constraints.

You see, madam, so often black youth

are cast aside by society

that is too afraid of them to recognize their humanity.

My mother knew this,

and she did her damndest to make sure that I knew it.

And I, madame, through my music,

we'll make sure that all black youth

realize the truth,

because, to me, that is an act... of love.

That must've been very painful for you.

Yeah, yeah!

Thank you, Lil' Jon.

What?!

Thank you, Lil' Jon.

What?!

Thank-thank... thank you, Lil' Jon.

What?!

Thank you.

Huh?!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

No problem, madame.

Thank you for coming to my home.

Do you smoke reefer?

Yes, do you have a little time.

Yeah, yeah!

Can we?

Just for the cameras.

Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lil' Jon.

(woman) You've just watched

a moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

Welcome back, guys.

Now, I'm looking around the room

and everybody in the room is pretty much in my age range,

for the most part.

And you know, our generation has a phrase we like to say,

that phrase is "keep it real."

People say it to me all the time.

They say, "Dave, you got that show,

but remember, brother, keep it real."

Very good advice.

Not always as easy as it seems.

Sometimes, folks, "keeping it real"

works against ya.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to show you

one of those times in a new segment:

"When 'Keeping It Teal' Goes Wrong."

(man) Your watching "When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."

Darius James was out on a date with his girlfriend,

Tenecia Bradley;

Darius was almost certain the night would end with sex.

But as they were leaving,

confrontation reared it's ugly head.

Yo, Tenecia, it was good seeing ya.

Darius heard the comment

and had a simple choice to make:

Ignore what the man had said and take Tenecia home,

or stay at the party and "keep it real."

What did you say, man?

Good seeing ya.

"Good seeing ya."

I don't play that shit.

That's my girl, nigga!

I keep it real!

What Darius didn't know is that Chris

was a tenth degree black belt

who started trouble just so he could practice

his karate in street-fighting scenarios.

What ensued was one of the most spectacular ass-whoopings

ever witnessed in the Atlantic northeast.

Ahh!

(thumping blows)

Darius lost four of his teeth,

fractured his arm, spine, and pelvis;

and then Tenecia got involved.

All his talk about "keeping it real"

was getting on my last nerves.

I savored that ass-whooping.

Kick him in the ass.

Oh, one more time.

Oh... oh!

The tag team ass-whopping continued for minutes,

ending when karate expert Chris left with Tenecia.

That night they had sex three times.

As a result of his hospital bills,

Darius was forced to move back in with his grandmom.

This knucklehead talkin' about "keeping it real."

I'm gonna "keep it real."

I want his goddamn ass out of my house

so I can get my swerve on too.

Shit.

Darius is humiliated on a daily basis.

Granny, don't!

Well, hurry the hell up

and finish yourself off, Darius.

Unlike you, I'm gettin' a little action tonight,

you punk-bitch.

He is witnessed to things

that no man should ever have to see.

Darius, you big dummy, this ain't no show-and-tell.

Take a walk.

Yeah, get some rubbers.

And get the big ones.

Fuckin' right.

From most assuredly having sex with his girl

to getting beat up and moving back in with his family...

granny, don't!

...Darius James showed us what can happen

when 'keeping it real' goes wrong.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break everybody,

don't go anywhere.

We got to pay these bills, and we'll be right back.

(cheering)

Chappelle's Show, ow.

Look at that.

Turn on your TV.

What you're gonna to see?

Oh, hey, what's up, everybody, it's Dave.

Right now our next guest, we're very excited about.

He's got one of the smoothest voices

in music today.

Give it up for my man from Charlotte, North Carolina,

Anthony Hamilton.

I got a story about my life

you'd like to hear, yeah

well, listen

sittin' here I guess I didn't make bail

got time and a story to tell

started when I was nine years old

woke up, my daddy was gone

I started hustlin' they couldn't tell me nothin'

frontin' in the hood tryin' to be somebody

but my soul was on empty

I was searchin' for something

I tried to be good

tried to keep from trouble

livin' too fast

tryin' to make good on a hustle

sometimes it gets rough

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

times got hard, yeah

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

some times you gotta walk to work

yeah, oh lord

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you gotta do a little dirt

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

wasn't really lookin' guess I found it

five foot three, light brown skin

yeah

comin' from the university

nice style, lookin' kinda lovely

didn't know she had much game

down to ride out even take the train

even took her to a poker game

she's top notch from fried chicken to sushi

tried to be good

I tried

tried to treat you like a lady

tried to be your friend

turned out that you were shady

you were shady

sometimes it gets lonely

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes they ain't what they seem to be

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you get a little angry

yeah

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you get the best of me

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

well I tried to be good

I tried

wanted nothing but to love somebody

didn't wanna die young

steady hustlin tryin' to feed my family

too scared to have kids and do like daddy did

'cause I'm so scared of failin'

sometimes it get hard

comin' from where I'm from

well yeahhhh...

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you gotta moan in the mornin'

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you gotta cry a little bit louder

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you gotta fight the pain yeahhh

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you gotta walk alone

walk alone

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you get a little worried

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes you get lost outta touch

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

and sometimes I even think I pray a little bit too much

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes I get a little scared

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes I get a little scared

comin' from where I'm from, I'm from

sometimes I find myself have to walk and pray alone

sometimes

talkin' about where I come from

I'd like to thank each and every one of you

for being here tonight,

I'd like to thank you at home for watching the show.

We couldn't do it without you.

I'm Dave Chappelle.

I'll see ya next week.

Skeet, skeet, skeet, I'm out.

I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

My mother, my mother knew this.

Time out.

Poppin' now...

here come my Oscar shot.

Where did I put my glasses at?

(man)... on top of your head, Dave.

Oh.

(crew laughing)