Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(man) Dave Chappelle, come on down.

You're the next black comedian to get his own show!

("The Price is Right" theme)

(cheers & applause)

Oh, my God, I did it.

Hey, everybody, what's up?

Welcome... welcome everybody, to Chappelle's Show.

You see, I am dizzle.

You know, I've been watching the news

and reading the papers,

and I've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like,

scandalous behavior.

Like, these, uh, these major corporations

they rip everybody off.

Enrons and Tycos and all this stuff.

They don't be getting no time.

They don't get no time in jail.

I gotta get in on this "being white" thing.

It's like there's two legal systems, damn near.

It'd be better if they,

just for like, maybe, three days if like...

they actually put those guys through the legal system

that we all have to go through.

And then they put, like, crack dealers and shit

through the legal system that they go through.

Wouldn't that be something?

Well, tonight we have a very special episode

of "Law & Order."

I hope you enjoy it.

How was work today, Charles?

Oh, same old, same old.

Accounting's complaining about us misleading the stockholders

and blowing the employee pensions and...

what a bunch of babies.

I mean, come on, this is business, people, right?

And speaking of business, yeah...

(growl)

Satchco, take a powder.

And you...

(playful scream)

(growl) (meow)

Snugglebunny!

(screaming)

(man) Get on the ground!

(dog panting)

Shut that fucking dog up!

(gunshot)

(screaming)

Stop resisting, sir!

(phone ringing)

Nigga, I said stop calling here, all right?

I'm baggin' up the coke up as fast as I can!

I'm detective Charles Stevens

from the Dade County police department.

I've got a warrant here for your arrest.

A warrant?!

Charges of cocaine trafficking.

And, um, frankly,

I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it.

Oh, man, we gotta be careful with this.

We don't wanna embarrass somebody like me

in front of my family and my community.

I tell you what,

I'll come in and turn myself in around Thursday, okay?

Is 1:00 good for you?

Oh, no, that's no good for me.

I've got some trim coming at 12:00.

I'll turn myself in, say, between...

2:00 and 6:00?

Thank you so very much for your help and, again,

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Oh, no problem.

One love.

Uh, yeah... I love you, too.

(man) So, what am i charged with?

Yeah, like you don't know, you little bitch.

Would you do me a favor and not smoke,

I'm allergic.

Oh, well, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.

Why don't I do you a favor and put it out there for ya, huh?

How do you like that, you piece of crap!

I want answers, punk!

(whimpers)

I wanna talk to my lawyer!

He wants to talk to his lawyer...

legal aid, you're on.

Sorry, you're like, my 14th case this week.

Somebody take a piss in here?

It was me!

I peed...

(playing harmonica)

(still playing harmonica)

I would like to complement you, gentlemen

on a very classy baller-ass spread

with cheeses that I've never even seen before.

And my apologies for being late

but I got caught up with some poonany.

Heh, heh, heh..

Well, so, it's like I said,

we don't wanna make a big deal out of this thing.

You're a cocaine dealer

but you've done a lot of good for the community.

Oh, I know, man, on Thanksgiving

I be passing turkeys out like "Nino Brown," baby.

But, seriously, we have to do something.

How about you testify before a senate committee

and spend... two months at Club Fed?

When I get out,

can I still traffic rocks to the community?

Absolutely not!

You're right, selling rocks would be wrong.

Heh, heh, heh... jail's the shit!

Anyway, he points the gun at us

and he tells his dog to sick us.

It was at that point that I fired upon the canine

and we were able to subdue Mr. Jeffries.

Upon further search of the mansion,

we were able to locate this...

pure Colombian heroin.

Yeah, wait a minute, your honor...

I don't know who's heroin that is

but it certainly isn't mine!

Then his wife threw her titties in my hand.

It was weird, your honor.

You grabbed her titties!

I saw you!

Before I sentence you,

is there anything you'd like to say?

Okay, first of all...

all right, that's enough.

You're the worst kind of scum on the face of the Earth!

You're an animal.

A filthy, big-lipped beast!

We'd like to congratulate the jury of your peers

for reaching a verdict so quickly.

Their minutes is a new court record.

All your possessions will be seized immediately by the court

and you will receive the mandatory minimum

of life in prison.

Plenty of time to lift weights and convert to Islam.

Now get out of my sight, you fuck.

Sir, is it true you were a crack/cocaine dealer

for seven years?

Uh, I plead the fifth.

Sir, will you tell us about the cartels you dealt with

in your time as a crack/cocaine dealer?

Um, no, but I can tell you that I plead the fizzith.

Exactly how much money did you earn

in your time as a crack/cocaine dealer?

There...

are...

I said there are

so many amendments

in the Constitution of the United States of America

I can only choose one

I can only choose...

one!

I plead the fifth

I plead the fifth

five!

One, two, three, four... fifth!

Anything you say... fifth!

Go ahead, ask me a question

did you...

fifth!

I have a secret document that I think you need to see...

fifth...

that will be all, sir, good afternoon.

I got your sentence reduced to a month, buddy.

Oh!

Heh, heh, heh...

we'll take a quick commercial break

and be right back.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids!

Hello, my name's Tyrone Biggums.

Sometimes, the endless pursuit of crack

leaves me tired and depleted.

But now cocaine comes in a delicious shake!

"Red Balls!"

It gives me wings!

Ahhh...

mmm... hummina, hummina, hummina, hummina!

My baby!

I left my baby in the car!

(baby crying)

Oh, my God!

(bionic effect)

(bionic effect)

FYI, people still do steal radios, hon.

How do you think I got this suit?

That Red Ball's got me!

Ahhh!

(beeping)

(bionic effect)

Mayday, mayday...

we have a crackhead lifting up the bus,

must be Red Balls.

I love this drink!

Thank you, Red Balls.

Excuse me, jailer... pardon me.

Might I have a Red Balls, please?

Shazam!

Ahhhhh...!

(bionic effect)

Red Balls... cocaine in a can, baby!

I can get some money for this.

(cheers & applause)

Y'all remember last season,

we used to do a segment called "Ask A Black Dude"

that featured comedian, Paul Mooney.

Well, he's back again this year

as America's leading black psychic, Negrodamus.

(woman) For centuries,

people have turned to one man

for the answer to life's great mysteries.

That man, is Negrodamus.

You, sir.

Negrodamus, will Aresenio Hall ever have another show?

Yes, Arsenio Hall will get another show.

It will be called,

"Good Morning Black America."

It will be shown at noon throughout the country.

Thank you so much, Negrodamus.

Next.

(French accent) Negrodamus,

hello from France.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will divorce his wife

and marry Shirley Temple Black.

And she will be,

Mrs. Shirley Temple Black-negger.

You, sir.

Negrodamus...

uh, why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?

White people love Wayne Brady

because he makes...

Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

For centuries people have turned to one man

for the answer to life's great mysteries.

That man, is Negrodamus.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Y'all don't go nowhere,

we'll be right back with more Chappelle show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Welcome back!

You know, I don't know if anyone's ever seen

this segment we've done on the show,

"Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories."

But, if you haven't seen it,

Eddie's older brother, Charlie, works on our show

and he tells us these crazy stories,

some of which are so crazy

that we have to have him come by and tell 'em to the crowd!

So, tonight, we have for you

a brand new True Hollywood Story from Charlie Murphy.

I can recall another one, like, you know,

I think it was in '85, like,

when all that androgynous shit was going on.

(Charlie) And what was wild was that

the guy who looked the most like a bitch

was getting all the women.

Even I had it, the jerry curl was comin' out

and I had my shit slicked to the side and all that.

If you wearin' baggy shit now and you actin' hard,

if you from LA

You motherfuckers was wearing some strange shit.

We in the club,

we getting our groove on, shakin' it up

and Prince came in there.

That's when "Purple Rain" came out

and Prince was the shit, you know what I'm saying?

Prince had on, like, a...

it was like a zorro-type outfit.

It had the ruffles come down the front.

He had the big perm fluffed out and all that.

And the mustache, you know, just drawn on his face.

And it looked like something that a figure skater would wear.

You know what I'm saying?

And he was with his whole crew

and he had this other cat named "Mickey Free."

And Mickey Free was, like, the new cat in Shalamar

that, when he joined the group,

I heard mad cats, like,

"yo, Shalamar got this new girl in there.

Man, that bitch fine like a motherfucker."

They was talkin' about Mickey Free, okay?

Mickey Free is not a girl.

They came over where we was at,

Prince started talking to my brother.

Hello, Eddie Murphy.

Prince, what's up?

I'm a big fan of your comedies.

Ooh, that's hot, Prince.

Would you like to come to my house

and listen to some music?

Ooh, that's cool.

Fruity, get the car.

Assemble your crew, I'll be outside.

We went up there.

We get there, he puts the tracks on

the tracks are slammin', you know what I mean?

And we're listening to the music and everything

groovin' at the crib, he had girls over there...

he had nice environment, it was tight.

This bores me.

Is anyone up for a game of basketball?

(hysterical laughter)

How about you and your friends

versus me and The Revolution.

(hysterical laughter)

So, I was like, "this nigga must be joking."

I don't know where he's going with this and shit.

But he was dead-serious.

He had his helper or whatever

go and get some shorts and sneakers and gave 'em to us.

And we laughing, I'm like,

"this is gonna be some funny-ass shit."

So they come out, right?

And I look at them and, um...

they still got on the same shit they was wearin' at the club.

It was wild I was like,

"I know they ain't thinkin' about playin' ball in that"

but they were.

I said, "hey, you know what...

you know what we're gonna call this?

The shirts against the blouses.

(laughter)

And when I said that, this look came on his face.

He looked angry.

And I'm looking back at him thinking to myself,

you know, "what are you angry about?

"I mean, you know where you got that shirt from

and it damn sure wasn't the men's department."

I mean, I kinda learned something that day,

don't never judge a book by its cover.

This cat could ball, man.

Play ball.

He was crossing cats, like ice.

Crossed me up.

Made my knees slam together.

He was getting rebounds like Charles Barkley.

Snatchin' it down!

Shoot the "J."

Shoot it!

Let's run the play, computer blue.

Garland picky.

Oww!

They was kinda settin' these fruity picks, man,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, you'd be tryin' to check Prince

and then you go this cat standin' behind you

and he's getting close to you

and his hands is out like this...

you don't really wanna be bent over

in front of a cat like that, you know what I'm sayin'?

Prince was incredible!

Prince, you got a towel, man,

it's kind of hot out here, man.

Why don't you purify yourself in the waters

of lake Minnetonka.

Good!

In your face, Charlie Murphy.

Good hustle. (slap)

Yo, man, I'm not on your team.

I mean, it wasn't even like it was close.

It was a landslide victory.

Game...

blouses.

I was there, I seen it.

You don't believe me?

You think I'm making it up?

You think I'm trying to, uh, you know

enhance the story because I'm involved?

Or trying to give myself an excuse for losing

because I'm telling you a story about Prince?

I dare you to challenge Prince to a game of ball one on one.

Challenge him!

A'ight?!

And make sure your people is there to see the game.

'Cause you might get embarrassed, trust me.

(man) All right, he beat you in basketball

and then what happened?

After it was all over,

he took us in the house and served us pancakes.

Pancakes.

Well, I gotta admit, um,

it was a good game.

I wish I could say the same for you

and your crew of flunkies.

Do you guys want some grapes?

I mean, you know,

there's some great storytellers that we live in today, man.

Bitches.

Who the fuck can make up that shit?

(cheers & applause)

Whoo!

Turn on your TV.

What you gonna see?

You guys are a wonderful crowd.

I'd like to thank you all for being here.

And you at home for watching.

I will see you another time, good night.

(cheers & applause)

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

Hi, thank you.

Next rock!

Woman, gimmie some of that Red Balls.

Come on Tyrita, come on!

Oh... oh Red Balls...

shazam!

This is the ride of my life!

I'm having another heart attack.

Thank you Red Balls!

Bitch, I can't sit still, take this!

I be right back, Tyrita, I gotta run some errands!

(bionic effect)