Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(man) Ladies and gentlemen,

Dave Chappelle...!

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

(applause)

All right!

All right!

Welcome to Chappelle's Show.!

Man, welcome, guys, thanks for coming out tonight.

And, you at home, thanks for tuning in.

You know, folks, it's been an interesting couple weeks

here at Chappelle's Show.

A lot of flak I've been getting

for the racially-charged sketches.

It happens.

But I think I'm being misunderstood

so I just wanted to take a moment

to explain myself, okay?

I'm not advocating, in any way shape or form,

any type of racial hatred.

I'm just making fun of each other's cultures.

It's fun.

The problem is when you do stereotypical kind of jokes

there's no room for subtleties.

People always say things, for instance,

that white people can't dance.

It's not that white people can't dance.

Is that really how it goes?

I don't think so.

Let's explore this further, okay?

I'd like to introduce a piece now

called, "White People Dancing."

Hey, gang.

You know, all my life I've heard that white people can't dance.

I don't believe that.

I don't think it's so much that white people can't dance,

it's just that they like certain musical instruments.

That instrument, my friends,

is electric guitar.

It speaks directly to the soul of the white person.

They find it irresistible.

Now, with me, as you can see,

is my good friend, John Mayer. How are you?

And we are going to test this theory this afternoon.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Let's do it. Let's go.

(Dave) It's my personal theory

that when white people hear electric guitar,

they cannot resist the urge to dance,

no matter where they are.

And me and John went to different locations

and put this theory to the test.

(man) And the shares could be,

we could up them to about another 22%...

(whispering) Okay, folks,

here we are in a corporate boardroom.

You can see behind us working in the bullpens

and right now a meeting is in progress.

We wanna see what happens when you play electric guitar

in the most professional of settings.

Ready John?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay, cool... go, go.

(slow & rhythmic guitar)

I knew it, I knew it.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Okay, we've seen how white people

respond to guitar music at work.

Now we're in a chic Manhattan restaurant.

It's lunchtime, the business crowd is here

a lot of Bush votes in the room.

Let's see how the conservative crowd acts

when they hear guitar music while they're eating.

John, play the fight riff, play it!

(loud, harsh guitar)

(Dave) These people are going...

look at, look at him!

Oh, my God, look at this!

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

I have never seen anything like this, folks!

(glass breaking)

Enjoy your lunch, everybody.

All right...

every experiment needs a control.

Now, right now, me and John are in a barber shop in Harlem.

Everyone here is either Black or Latino.

Let's see how electric guitar works on them.

Ready, John?

Yeah.

Okay... okay go, go.

(loud, blues music)

Hey, yo!

Shut the fuck up!

Okay, okay.

That went pretty much how I expected.

Now, let's see how the Blacks respond to drums.

(drum roll)

Quest Love, go!

(rhythmic beat)

Aww... yeah!

Yeah... yeah... unh!

Yo, yo, yo...

I'm not of any sex or any race

if you were beatin' me

it's like Billy Crystal playin' "Scarface"

and I can't see it, blind to the eyes

I get up in your face... boom, pow, surprise!

Ohhhh...

whoo!

Whoo, that worked like gangbusters!

But I still happened to notice

some of the latin people were nodding their heads

but they weren't really feelin' it

as much as I thought they would.

But I think I got the remedy.

What would happen if I incorporated within that,

an electric piano.

Sanchez, go!

(Salsa music)

All right, this is goin' great!

Now I'm gonna kick it up a notch, watch this!

(rambling in Spanish)

Ay, curumba!

Ole!

Hey, guys, have a good day.

Sorry for interrupting.

So, what have we learned gang?

We learned that white people can dance

if you play what they like... electric guitar.

Of course we, the Blacks,

can't resist drums

and Latins love congos and electric piano

with Spanish gibberish over it... I guess.

So, the next time someone says

that someone from another race can't dance...

all right, all right,

I'm gonna need to see a permit.

Excuse me?

You have to have a permit to shoot out here.

And we will fine you.

John, do something, quick.

Eeh...

Every rose has it's thorn.

Just like every night has its dawn.

That's my set!

Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song...

Hey, my man, how you know that song?

I'm from the suburbs, man,

I can't help it.

I can't help it!

Though it's been a while now

I can still feel so much pain...

Every rose has its thorn.

Just like every night has its dawn.

Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.

Every rose has its thorn.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Keep dancing, we'll be right back.

Goin' to Dave Chappelle's Show.

How's this?

Hey, everybody,

welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

Thanks for joining us.

You know, folks, I hate to hit this point so hard

but remember, whenever we do these racial commentaries

it's always about the subtleties.

We're all part of the same human family.

Our differences are just cultural, that's it.

For instance...

when a white person is maybe having trouble sleeping

you might take some kind of a... warm milk?

I don't know what you drink.

Well, the black people, we have a sleeping aid too.

And it's just coming out on the market

it's available for everyone's consumption

and we're proud to be the first sponsor of the newest sleep aid

for black America, here it is.

(grunting)

What is it, honey?

I got a big meeting tomorrow and I still can't sleep.

I took sleeping pills and everything.

Relax, honey.

I think I've got just the thing.

(woman) From the makes of "Valtran" and "Similox"

comes America's #1 sleeping aid: Ribs.

Hickory!

Oh, wow.

Here's how it works:

Once ingested, Ribs go to work on your stomach

spreading barbecue sauce and greasy porkiness throughout

creating an age-old condition called the "itis."

You'll feel sluggish, drowsy

and should be asleep in a matter of minutes.

Got that itis...

thanks, Ribs!

Mmm...

(farts)

Mud butt...

(cheers & applause)

Like, what would be the inverse of that joke,

if I did that joke for white people

what would it be, like, turkey or something?

I don't know.

Turkey, right?

Well, that's a food that white people say,

"well, that sure makes me sleepy."

Huh?

What is it?

(man) Box of wine.

Box of wine?

Wine comes in a box, America?

Damn.

He said that without hesitation...

(speaking dryly) Box of wine.

Puts me right out.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break

don't go nowhere,

we've got more comedy for you on Chappelle's Show.

(applause)

That's right.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids!

(cheers & applause)

Welcome back.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show, everybody.

One thing I've been hearing a lot recently is,

they say, "you know, Dave,

"you make fun of everybody and everything

but how come you never make fun of yourself?"

'Cause it's not easy, I'm sensitive.

But, since you guys have been so good to me tonight,

I feel like I owe you no less.

This next piece is about the real Dave Chappelle...

it's personal, it's actually very personal

but here it is.

Hey, I'm Dave Chappelle, host of Chappelle's Show.

Many guys are familiar with my onscreen persona

but the question keeps popping up:

Who is Dave Chappelle, really?

Well, guys, the answer isn't so simple.

You see, in the last 12 years

I've been at least three different people.

There's me at 18.

Sincere, earnest, relentlessly optimistic.

Then there was me at 24.

Budding movie star, reefer addict

and a man with a sexual appetite

that would make Michael Douglas seem gay.

Then, of course, is the man who stands in front of you now.

Proud father, loyal husband

and prompt taxpayer.

All three of these men have difference psyches

and handled things in very different ways.

And with your permission,

I'd like to explore these three men tonight

in a piece that I like to call:

All right, first scenario:

Let's say I'm having problems in a relationship.

Why don't we take a look at how I used to handle that at 18.

Charon...

Charon, look, I wanna work this out

but you gotta talk to me, you gotta open up.

Last week, when we were at that Das EFX concert,

I riggity-realized that I...

I liggity-love you.

Piggity-pow.

Come on, girl, don't be like this.

You act like all I wanna do is

zoom-a-zoom zoom in your boom boom.

Why you gotta be like this?!

Clickity-claw!

What a biggity-bitch.

I'm talkin' about myself of course.

All right, well, let's see how I handle

relationship difficulties at 24.

I love her, but she don't trust me.

I can't be with someone who don't trust me.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

Do you want another song, honey?

$10.

I know.

And the other day,

you know what she had the nerve to say to me?

That I smelled like I been at the titty bar.

So-the-fuck-what?

Let's see how I handle relationship problems today

now that I'm a father and a husband

and all that good stuff.

(sigh)

Baby...

baby, you up?

(grunting)

Scenario two:

Let's say I'm pulled over by the police

and I'm being treated less than fairly.

These kinds of things happen.

Why don't we see how 18-year-old Dave used to handle that.

Help!

Okay...

now, let's take a look at 24-year old Dave.

I ain't do nothin'...

get on the ground! On the ground!

Hah!

What about you!

Why don't you get on the ground!

That's right, gimme my license back!

Now, spread your cheeks and lift yo' sack!

That's right!

And you know what?

I am high... I'm high!

And now, let's take a look at 30-year old Dave.

Hi, license, insurance and registration, please.

Sure.

Sorry about that, I was running late for a shoot

for my show... Chappelle's Show.

I'm Dave Chappelle.

Yeah?

"I'm rich bitch."

Y-you haven't seen it?

Don't get it.

Buckle up, baby!

Hah!

Over the last 12 years

my career went through a lot of ups and downs.

And a lot of people ask me,

"Dave, how do you handle it

when you lose out on a movie part that you really want?"

That's a good question.

I'll show you how I used to handle it at 18, right now.

So, who got the part?

The Wayans bothers?

There's more?!

And here's how I handled the same type of situation at 24.

Chris Tucker?

Fuck!

This is the second time this happened.

Who got the other part?

Tell me, man, just...

Jackie Chan?!

That motherfucker can't even speak English!

Shit!

And now...

here's how sensible shoe Dave handles it at 30.

Who?

Who's Nick Cannon?

Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious.

Man, fuck you, son!

I'm glad you think he's so goddamn hilarious

because he just walked off your school clothes money.

It's funny, isn't it?

I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke!

Well, I guess that gives you guys a pretty good idea

about how I've changed over the years.

But before I go,

I just wanna give each me a chance to tell you

their overall philosophy in life.

18-year old Dave, you're on.

When you lose...

don't lose the lesson.

His holiness, the Dali Lama.

That was touching.

All right, how about you, me-at-24?

Hey, hey, hey, hey...

smoke weed everyday.

See ya'.

Dave at 30, what ya got for me?

Fuck Nick Cannon.

Dave Chappelle.

He's hilarious.

You know, you actin' like a little bitch, a'ight?

Stop saying that, you tryin' to make your father feel bad?

I gotta pay all the bills around here...

what, you gonna go tell your mother?

Tell you mother I'm cussin' in the house?!

That's right... shit!

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

But Dave-at-30 will be right back

after these messages.

(man) Chappelle's Show.

Oww!

Welcome back!

Welcome back, everybody.

(cheers & applause)

It is time for another Chappelle's Show

musical performance.

As you can see tonight,

we were lucky enough to have John Mayer

and Quest Love from The Roots appear in our sketch.

And while we were shooting the sketch

we actually shot a musical performance, just for fun.

This next one, folks, is just for you.

Please welcome yours truly, and the Dave Chappelle trio.

You know, folks, right now, the world is in trouble.

And I know it seems like the sketches we do are racey

but this is all just comedy.

Really, it's all about love.

So this song, right now

is not only going out to you at home

and everyone across America, but everyone across the world.

And it goes a little something like this...

Now the world don't move

to the beat of just one drum.

What might be right for you

may not be right for some.

A man is born.

He's a man of means.

Then along come two,

they got nothing but their dreams.

different strokes,

it takes different strokes,

it takes

different strokes to rule the world.

Everybody's got their special kind of story.

Everybody's got a way to shine.

No matter what ya got, not a lot,

so what?

They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours,

and I'll have mine,

and together we'll be fine.

'Cause it takes different strokes,

it takes different strokes,

it takes,

different strokes to rule the world,

different strokes to rule the...

hmmmmmm...

That was the gooch...

all right!

When the world never seems

to be living up to your dreams.

Finally you're finding out

the facts of life are all about you.

Unh!

It takes a lot to get them right

when you're learning the facts of,

learnin' the facts of,

learnin' the facts of life,

they're all about you...

That's right.

It turns out that life is all about you.

Thanks for watching the show this week.

I'd like to thank my guests, John Mayer...

Quest Love...

John on keyboards.

I'm Dave Chappelle, I'll see you guys next week.

I'll see you next week, everybody.

God bless, I'm out.

(cheers & applause)

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen,

beans don't burn on the grill.

Took a whole lotta tryin'

just to get up that hill.

Now we're up in the big league,

gettin' our turn at bat.

As long we live, it's you and me baby.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Well, we're movin' on up

to the east side!

To a dee-luxe apartment in the sky...