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1
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:04,330
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:05,200
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,100
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:07,370
Chappelle's Show.
5
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,100
Oww.
6
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,840
Woo-hoo-hoo.
7
00:00:10,870 --> 00:00:12,140
Woo-hoo.
8
00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:15,610
Yeah, yeah.
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00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,650
Let's start
the show.
10
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:22,150
When the baby was born,
11
00:00:22,150 --> 00:00:24,320
I promised Karen
I'd quit smoking,
12
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:25,990
but I didn't know how.
13
00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:29,520
Well, that's when a friend of
mine recommended "O'Dweeds".
14
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,400
It's the first brand of
marijuana with no THC.
15
00:00:33,430 --> 00:00:36,260
So, it's like O'Doul's,
but for weed.
16
00:00:36,430 --> 00:00:39,470
Now I can get that
full reefer aroma,
17
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,640
without any of the guilt.
18
00:00:45,970 --> 00:00:47,710
(gurgling)
19
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:49,880
Shotgun,
little buddy!
20
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,520
Oh, honey,
I think he likes it.
21
00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:59,450
This reminds me of
when I was a girl
22
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:03,760
and I used to smoke grass with
all the negro jazz musicians.
23
00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:08,100
Come on, Martha,
now, puff, puff, give.
24
00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:10,270
Come on, you old bitch.
25
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:12,000
(man)
"O'Dweeds",
26
00:01:12,430 --> 00:01:14,200
all the reefer,
none of the guilt.
27
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,470
(tapping)
28
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,540
(Jamaican accent)
I know what you're thinking,
29
00:01:18,540 --> 00:01:21,110
but it's "O'Dweeds", man.
30
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,580
Can I hit that?
31
00:01:25,010 --> 00:01:27,180
Go on, take it.
32
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:34,120
Tastes like the chronic,
and yet it's not.
33
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Wrong bag, man.
34
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:41,060
(tires screeching)
35
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,000
Forget about your reefer needs,
go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".
36
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,730
From the makers of
the "Crack Patch".
37
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,300
(cheers & applause)
38
00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:51,910
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle...!
39
00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:54,080
Hey!
40
00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:56,240
What's up?
41
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,850
Hey, guys.
42
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,750
Y'know, uh, my wife's
little cousin, Andrew,
43
00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:06,220
put me onto these
And 1 mix tapes,
44
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,960
you ever seen those?
45
00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:10,160
It is like the hottest
thing you ever seen.
46
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These basketball tapes
is the bomb.
47
00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:14,060
They got some of
the nastiest street players
48
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:15,360
I've ever seen in my life.
49
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,970
Go ahead,
show 'em some of that And 1.
50
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:20,970
(audience laughing)
51
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,570
(audience)
Whoo!
52
00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:27,480
Whoo!
53
00:02:27,910 --> 00:02:30,510
(cheers & applause)
54
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:32,680
Aw, that was just
nasty!
55
00:02:32,710 --> 00:02:37,020
Now...
56
00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:39,190
as dope as that was,
57
00:02:39,220 --> 00:02:43,460
the new And 1 mix tape kills it
'cause it does all sports,
58
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,730
not just basketball,
and it's off the hook.
59
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,700
Check it out,
I'm serious.
60
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,700
It only seems like I get
everything that I want
61
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,440
I spit a lot of verbs...
62
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,710
Oh, ho!
63
00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:00,990
No, he didn't,
no, he didn't!
64
00:03:02,610 --> 00:03:04,780
(laughter)
65
00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,020
(hollering)
66
00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:14,790
Yo, yo,
you ain't seen nothing.
67
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,490
Wait 'til you see him hit,
wait 'til you see him hit!
68
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:18,230
Wait 'til
you see him hit!
69
00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:21,300
I think it's a distorted mind
but in a way fortified
70
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,900
on the borderline
with so much more to find.
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00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:26,500
A distorted mind but
in a way fortified
72
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:29,100
on the borderline
with so much more to find.
73
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,430
The force is mine.
74
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,570
This source
is sure to shine...
75
00:03:32,570 --> 00:03:34,280
(laughter)
76
00:03:34,710 --> 00:03:37,340
Not your average human being
the flow is streaming...
77
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,920
(cheering & hollering)
78
00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:42,550
...flow with the feeling
it's so appealing...
79
00:03:42,550 --> 00:03:43,820
(crowd)
Oh...!
80
00:03:43,850 --> 00:03:45,120
Watch this!
81
00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:46,890
Watch him, watch him!
82
00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:49,020
...strictly game,
I never miss the pain.
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00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,790
And though people
say I'm insane,
84
00:03:50,790 --> 00:03:52,530
mangle the game, the angle
is to strangle the game
85
00:03:52,530 --> 00:03:55,560
and handle the change
and stay sane and maintain...
86
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,130
(hollering)
87
00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:00,300
That's the baddest motherfucker
I ever seen in my life!
88
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,470
And not to be
stopwatched.
89
00:04:06,810 --> 00:04:09,010
Yo, with every ounce
of friendship
90
00:04:09,010 --> 00:04:10,710
I support
and back the rhythm.
91
00:04:10,710 --> 00:04:13,350
And every track I give 'em,
I'm just supporting factivism.
92
00:04:13,350 --> 00:04:14,620
In your face...
93
00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:16,790
(cheering & hollering)
94
00:04:16,820 --> 00:04:19,850
He jogs at beginner pace
while I win the race.
95
00:04:19,850 --> 00:04:24,160
Tip...
Lap a flow-flow...
96
00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:27,630
I'm fun and being simple
so I had a test of decency.
97
00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:30,260
Hit the studio and fuckin'
manifest the frequency.
98
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,570
Get to truly know us
99
00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:33,830
and you'll get to see
what we can see...
100
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,480
(cheering and hollering)
101
00:04:35,870 --> 00:04:38,040
In your face!
102
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,980
Give me a pocket full of
cheese for these club rats
103
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:44,140
and a big bag of treats
for these club rats.
104
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,710
Yo, fresh dressed
like a million bucks.
105
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,320
Put on my white glow
and my all-white tux.
106
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,620
Smellin' like some angel
107
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:51,950
in case my dick
get sucked.
108
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:54,090
You know that usually happens
in the back of the truck.
109
00:04:54,090 --> 00:04:56,260
If I'm packin'
you duck...
110
00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:59,290
(cheering & hollering)
111
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,570
My dogs all ready
to bark.
112
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:12,310
One of my niggers
said he drunk so much
113
00:05:12,310 --> 00:05:13,640
he already about
to fall...
114
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,340
Yeah...!
115
00:05:17,510 --> 00:05:19,250
Oh!
116
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,010
Man, you the sickest
motherfucker
117
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I ever seen
in the alley, son!
118
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,020
Wait 'til you
see him play defense,
119
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:26,050
you ain't seen
nothin', yo!
120
00:05:26,190 --> 00:05:27,920
(hollering)
121
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,960
Oh!
122
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:33,160
Yo, stay on your
knees for these club rats.
123
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,760
Don't forget the cheese
'cause they love that.
124
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,930
Give me a pocket full of
cheese for these club rats
125
00:05:37,930 --> 00:05:40,940
and a big bag of treats for
these club rats...
126
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:43,140
(chanting)
Gutterballs, gutterballs...
127
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:46,140
(cheering & hollering)
128
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,780
(cheers & applause)
129
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,410
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all,
130
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,720
but don't despair,
131
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,590
we have jokes and jokes
and jokes and jokes.
132
00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:04,360
I drooled on myself.
133
00:06:04,390 --> 00:06:06,480
Yo, this Talib Kweli,
BK MC.
134
00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:08,300
And this is Mos Def,
Pretty Flaco,
135
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:10,430
Black Dante,
The Boogieman.
136
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,810
I don't know about y'all,
but I used to play
137
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,410
a lot of basketball on
the playground, growing up.
138
00:06:20,410 --> 00:06:22,610
And every time I would do
something sweet or cool,
139
00:06:22,610 --> 00:06:25,210
I would shout out my favorite
basketball player
140
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,350
'cause I felt like him,
you ever do that?
141
00:06:27,350 --> 00:06:28,650
(grunting)
142
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:29,950
Jordan...
143
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:31,690
(laughing)
144
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,320
Well, nowadays, we know
so much about NBA players,
145
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,490
not only can we do that on
the basketball court,
146
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:39,060
we can do that
in our everyday lives.
147
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:40,730
And I'll show you how.
148
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,700
Kobe...
149
00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:48,600
you're under arrest.
150
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,070
Rasheed Wallace.
151
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,850
Damon Stoudamire.
152
00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:00,350
My point is, Stevenson,
153
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:02,480
you're gonna have to show a
little more effort around here.
154
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,220
More effort, huh?
155
00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:05,520
Sprewell...
156
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,760
Paul Pierce...
Oh, ah.
157
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,400
When are you gonna come
and claim these kids?
158
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,530
Every pro athlete ever.
159
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,170
Wilt Chamberlain.
160
00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:28,940
Dennis Rodman.
161
00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:31,550
Oh, hell, no.
162
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,750
OJ...
163
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,790
(cheers & applause)
164
00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:41,520
Hey, guys.
165
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,430
Now, recently...
166
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:48,900
recently, People magazine
actually said that my show was
167
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,930
uh, "sub-sophomoric
and immature."
168
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:53,670
Something like that.
169
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:56,300
I don't know why they would
say that I'm immature.
170
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:58,040
But if you think
that my show is immature,
171
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,210
then I would like to dedicate
this next piece
172
00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:03,070
to whoever wrote
that article at People.
173
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,120
(tapping)
174
00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:20,130
(fart)
175
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:26,630
(fart)
176
00:08:26,670 --> 00:08:29,670
Oh... Lord...
177
00:08:38,780 --> 00:08:40,520
(fart)
178
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:54,400
(fart)
179
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:21,290
Di-ar-rhe-a
180
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,330
(cheers & applause)
181
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:30,400
Diarrhea!
182
00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:33,000
Chappelle's Show,
ow.
183
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,840
Hi, and welcome to
"Trading Spouses",
184
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,440
the show where we take
two married couples,
185
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,740
and you guessed it,
186
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,350
make them trade spouses
for a whole month.
187
00:09:47,350 --> 00:09:49,080
Watch the sparks fly today,
188
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,820
because for the first time
on our show,
189
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,390
we're going interracial.
190
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:56,420
(man) Daddy's going away for
a little while, all right?
191
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,160
I'm gonna live
with a white family.
192
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,460
Y'all be good.
193
00:09:59,490 --> 00:10:00,790
What you goin' be doin'
with a white family?
194
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,930
It's a TV show,
say hi to America.
195
00:10:02,930 --> 00:10:04,700
Anybody try and touch
your mother,
196
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,400
punch him in his dick.
197
00:10:06,430 --> 00:10:10,310
Look, son, dad's going
away for a few weeks.
198
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,510
So, I want you to
be good, okay, squirt?
199
00:10:12,510 --> 00:10:13,780
Whatever.
200
00:10:13,810 --> 00:10:15,510
I love you.
201
00:10:15,540 --> 00:10:17,680
Oh, Eskimo kisses.
202
00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:23,320
You must be
little T-Mart.
203
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:26,790
Would you like to
call me daddy, hmm?
204
00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:29,390
Is it okay if
I call you Mr. Deez?
205
00:10:29,390 --> 00:10:31,130
Mr. Deez?
206
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,290
Deez nuts!
207
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:36,760
I-I don't understand.
208
00:10:37,630 --> 00:10:39,370
What's happenin'?
209
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:40,700
You must be Leonard.
210
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:41,970
That's right.
211
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,300
Can I call you
daddy?
212
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:44,570
Hell no.
213
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:45,910
Only your mama
calls me daddy.
214
00:10:45,910 --> 00:10:48,070
Here, mop top, take
my bag up to my room.
215
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,240
And if I find out you been
going through my shit,
216
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,410
I'm gonna beat you
in your ass, you understand?
217
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:54,120
Hmm.
218
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:58,020
Well, welcome,
it's good to have you here.
219
00:10:58,050 --> 00:11:00,220
It's good to be here,
come on, girl.
220
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:02,790
Oh... oh, yes.
221
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:04,560
I don't smell
no dinner cooking.
222
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,130
Run on, make some grits.
223
00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:11,470
Run on.
224
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:14,070
What you cookin'
for dinner, mister?
225
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,700
Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad
you asked, little buddy.
226
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,840
Um, this here is
cauliflower.
227
00:11:18,870 --> 00:11:20,610
This is
corned beef hash.
228
00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:23,180
And these are parsnips.
229
00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:27,080
What the fuck
is a parsnip?
230
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,850
Leonard,
just so you know,
231
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:31,020
Todd would usually do
the dishes after dinner.
232
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,590
Well, just so you know,
233
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:36,190
his ass will be back
april 13th.
234
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:37,960
Go on,
do your thing, girl.
235
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,090
Mop top...
236
00:11:40,130 --> 00:11:41,640
you do your homework?
237
00:11:41,830 --> 00:11:43,130
Yeah.
238
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,460
Well, go on upstairs
and wash your ass
239
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,170
and then we'll
watch Martin Lawrence.
240
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:48,770
Want me to light your
cigarette for you too?
241
00:11:48,770 --> 00:11:50,100
You better check
your tone, girl,
242
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,400
get your
inside voice on
243
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,910
before I put your ass
outside, mm.
244
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,690
Racial profiling?
245
00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:10,460
Who the fuck is
Renee "Zellwedger"?
246
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:15,700
What's wrong, sweetie?
247
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,000
T-Mart's been
back-talking me,
248
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,130
and I need you to
take care of it for me.
249
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:21,300
T-Mart...
250
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:23,910
excuse me,
I'll be right back.
251
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:25,210
All right.
252
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,970
You're in big
trouble, mister.
253
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:29,140
What, you gonna
hit me or something?
254
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,710
You're going on
time-out.
255
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:35,620
For 15 minutes, okay?
256
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:36,920
Yeah...
257
00:12:37,350 --> 00:12:38,690
Starting now,
T-Mart.
258
00:12:38,690 --> 00:12:39,950
Time-out!
259
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,860
Time-out is sweet!
260
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,630
Halle Berry,
here I come.
261
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,800
(rap music booming)
262
00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:52,530
Hey, mop top!
263
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:55,570
What the hell
you listening to?
264
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,900
It's the new 50 Cent.
265
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:58,640
I'm from
the streets, man.
266
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,780
G-g-g-g-g-g...
G-Unit.
267
00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:05,980
Come on,
get in the car.
268
00:13:06,010 --> 00:13:09,520
G-g-g-g-g-g... get yo' ass
in the car, go on!
269
00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:16,420
Well, here you are, mop top,
home sweet home, the 'hood.
270
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,160
All right,
little fella,
271
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,290
say hello to your
people for me.
272
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,630
And tell 'em
when you see 'em,
273
00:13:21,630 --> 00:13:23,760
that Leonard Washington is
glad he made it out, go on.
274
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,070
Go on.
275
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,830
G-g-g-g-g-g...
good-bye.
276
00:13:26,830 --> 00:13:29,400
And if you need money,
sell rocks,
277
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,400
I heard that's what
they do around here.
278
00:13:38,950 --> 00:13:41,120
What the hell is this?
279
00:13:41,150 --> 00:13:45,020
Damn, bitch, what's this,
a light saber or something?
280
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,060
Night-night.
281
00:13:48,090 --> 00:13:49,790
Hmm.
282
00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:53,290
Do you wanna have
sex with me, Todd?
283
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,460
Yes, I would
like that very much.
284
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,600
Okay.
285
00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:58,900
Oh!
286
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,940
Uh, excuse me.
287
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:07,580
Do you mind if I turn off
this R&B music?
288
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:10,610
I kinda wanna
hear you breathing.
289
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,210
Okay.
All right.
290
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:21,020
Uh, do you wanna take off
your pajama bottoms?
291
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:24,280
Actually, I'd feel more
comfortable if I just
292
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:26,940
pulled my penis
through this hole.
293
00:14:28,830 --> 00:14:31,460
I'm sorry, baby,
I don't go South of the border.
294
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:34,070
That's just one thing that
Leonard Washington don't do.
295
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:36,240
But... but, Leonard,
it's okay, I'm waxed.
296
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,940
Damn!
297
00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:39,710
Now, I done heard of
trimming the hedges,
298
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:42,280
but you done
scorched the earth.
299
00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:44,880
(sniffing)
300
00:14:44,910 --> 00:14:47,480
I smell your
light saber.
301
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,080
Light saber?
302
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,990
(buzzing)
303
00:15:00,930 --> 00:15:03,100
Leonard and I hardly
even talk anymore.
304
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,300
The other night he came home
at three in the morning.
305
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,030
I had no idea
where he was.
306
00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:09,600
He uses profanity
around Jeffrey.
307
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,810
I just don't feel
like we're sharing.
308
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:14,370
I don't feel like there's
any reciprocity there.
309
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,880
(therapist) How do you feel
about all this, Leonard?
310
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,880
Bitch, I'll never
forgive you for this.
311
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,520
Go on, get in the car,
warm it up.
312
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,090
This is good,
you can let out
313
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,290
whatever you feel
in here, Leonard.
314
00:15:28,290 --> 00:15:30,890
All right, I'ma tell you
right now, I ain't crazy,
315
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:32,590
I don't need no
psychiatrist.
316
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,360
And if you ever tell
anybody I've been in here,
317
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,500
I'll fuckin' kill ya.
318
00:15:36,530 --> 00:15:38,700
It's confidential
here, Leonard.
319
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,870
I won't tell anyone,
it's just between us.
320
00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:42,600
Well then,
confidentially,
321
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,610
I am crazy, and I'll
fuckin' kill ya.
322
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,640
Well, it's been
a wild and crazy month.
323
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,550
Let's see what our interracial
families have learned.
324
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,720
I learned
a lot from Sharron
325
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:56,920
and I learned a lot
from little T-Mart.
326
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,950
And quite frankly,
I'll miss them both very much.
327
00:15:59,950 --> 00:16:02,960
And for the first time
in my life...
328
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:07,730
I tasted brown sugar,
and not in my oatmeal.
329
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,460
(chuckles)
330
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,070
Yeah, being on this show
taught me that,
331
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:14,700
no matter where you come from,
you know what I'm saying?
332
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,000
Or what color your skin is,
333
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,170
we all pretty much do
the same things in life.
334
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:23,340
Raise our kids, make love from
time to time, and wash.
335
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:26,380
Speaking of which,
336
00:16:26,410 --> 00:16:28,580
I learned that white people
don't use washcloths.
337
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:30,720
Did you know that?
338
00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:32,890
I'm serious, they have
one bar of soap in the house.
339
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:35,920
Every time I used it, somebody
else's pubic hair was in it.
340
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:37,230
So use the cloth.
341
00:16:37,260 --> 00:16:38,990
Why your ass got to put
the raw bar of soap
342
00:16:38,990 --> 00:16:40,730
in your butt and all this?
343
00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:43,740
Maybe I need to wash my face
or my feet.
344
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,100
Todd and Leonard are
very different.
345
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,270
Although Len is
the love of my life,
346
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,310
in a different world,
I could see myself with Todd.
347
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,910
Although the
penis-through-the-hole thing
348
00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:57,610
was kind of weird.
349
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:01,520
And I am missing
some of my draw's.
350
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,420
Oh...
351
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:09,320
Oh, my gosh...
Ho-ho.
352
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:12,790
Titty residue...
353
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:15,400
Hello... hello?
354
00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:20,200
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
355
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,370
but don't go anywhere
'cause we're coming right back
356
00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:25,110
with more Chappelle's Show,
I promise.
357
00:17:29,010 --> 00:17:30,610
So I got a little
riddle for you.
358
00:17:30,610 --> 00:17:33,210
What happens when you take
two of Brooklyn's finest MCs
359
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:34,920
and put them together
in a group?
360
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,680
Well, then you have
my next guests.
361
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,560
Make some noise, Mos Def,
Talib Kweli... Black Star.
362
00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:42,290
(cheers & applause)
363
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,230
This is a real
nigga PSA.
364
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,630
From the Black Star
embassy in Brooklyn
365
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:48,800
entitled
"What is Beef?"
366
00:17:48,830 --> 00:17:52,700
Yo, I was sold to a sick
European by a rich African.
367
00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:54,900
Battlin' middle passages
I can't go back again.
368
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:57,070
Battlin' years
of denied history,
369
00:17:57,070 --> 00:17:59,240
lives were mysteries,
wise and misty eyes
370
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,370
watchin' they niggas
be beaten viciously.
371
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,540
Battled in the wilderness
of North America.
372
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,310
Ran by the river
only stoppin' to pray.
373
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,910
Chased by predators,
terrorists with etiquette
374
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,220
who vote and kill
their president.
375
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,820
Their capacity for evil
so evident and prevalent.
376
00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:14,420
Ain't no hesitation involved.
A nation dissolved
377
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,160
while we sit back
waitin' to evolve.
378
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,760
Those who would trade in their
freedom for their protection
379
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,490
deserve neither.
Fuck a name.
380
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,660
Fuck tradition,
religion, we learn Jesus,
381
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:24,400
turn the other cheek,
inherit the earth
382
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,130
just stay meek.
Fuck the way you speak.
383
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:27,430
Try to walk we chop off
your feet.
384
00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:30,870
Fast forward to 2003
niggas beef, the psychology.
385
00:18:30,870 --> 00:18:33,070
A Trojan, a slave
that run deep, yo.
386
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,680
Hell, yeah
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
387
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:36,600
What's beef?
388
00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:38,280
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
389
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,550
That's beef.
390
00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:41,280
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
391
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,620
It's always your own people.
392
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:44,350
Sometime it's your own people
Yeah, yeah.
393
00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:46,520
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
394
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,790
What's beef?
395
00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:49,120
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
396
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:49,990
That's beef.
397
00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,720
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
398
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:54,290
It's always your own people.
Sometime it's your own people.
399
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,900
Yo, beef is not what
Jay said to Nas.
400
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,530
Beef is when workin'
niggas can't find jobs.
401
00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:02,030
City tryin' to find
niggas to rob.
402
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,700
Tryin' to find bigger guns
so they can finish the job.
403
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,740
Beef is when the
crack kids can't find moms
404
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:10,340
'cause they in a pine box
or locked behind bars.
405
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:12,550
Beef ain't
the Summer jam for Hot 97.
406
00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:15,550
Beef is the cocaine
and AIDS epidemic.
407
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,150
Beef don't come
with a radio edit.
408
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:20,790
Beef is when the judge is
calling you defendant.
409
00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:23,640
Beef, it come with
a long jail sentence
410
00:19:23,790 --> 00:19:26,430
handed down to you in a few
short minutes.
411
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:29,030
Beef is when your girl
come through for a visit
412
00:19:29,030 --> 00:19:31,630
talkin' about, "I'm pregnant
by some other nigga."
413
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:34,230
Beef is high blood pressure
and bad credit.
414
00:19:34,230 --> 00:19:37,240
Need a loan for your home
and you're too broke to get it.
415
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,440
And all your little kids
is doin' is gettin' bigger.
416
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,440
You try not to raise 'em
around these wild niggas.
417
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,080
Beef is when a gold digger
got your seed in her,
418
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,520
a manicured hand out
like "pay me, nigga...
419
00:19:48,550 --> 00:19:50,460
"or I'm tellin'
your wife
420
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,890
or startin' up some foul rumor
that'll ruin your life."
421
00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:55,490
Beef is when a gangsta
ain't doin' it right
422
00:19:55,490 --> 00:19:56,790
and other gangstas
then decided
423
00:19:56,790 --> 00:19:58,520
what to do with his life.
424
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,690
Beef is not what these
famous niggas do on the mic.
425
00:20:00,690 --> 00:20:03,300
beef is what George Bush
would do in a fight.
426
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,870
Beef is not what
Ja said to 50.
427
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:08,940
Beef is Walt and Irv
not bein' here with me.
428
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,540
When a soldier ends his life
with his own gun,
429
00:20:11,540 --> 00:20:14,140
beef is tryin' to figure out
what to tell his son.
430
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:16,710
Beef is oil prices
and geopolitics.
431
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:19,350
Beef is Iraq,
the West Bank and Gaza Strip.
432
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,950
Some beef is big
and some beef is small,
433
00:20:21,950 --> 00:20:24,550
but what y'all call beef
is no beef at all.
434
00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:27,150
Beef is real life,
happenin' every day
435
00:20:27,150 --> 00:20:30,190
and it's realer than them
songs that you dated K-Slay.
436
00:20:30,190 --> 00:20:32,760
This has been
a Black Star PSA.
437
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,390
From Mos Def
Pretty Flaco, Black Dante
438
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,400
and the Black Star embassy
B to the K.
439
00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:40,570
(cheers & applause)
440
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,300
I'd like to
thank my guests,
441
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,500
Black Star, Mos Def
and Talib Kweli.
442
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:47,070
God bless y'all,
God bless America,
443
00:20:47,110 --> 00:20:49,280
God bless the world 'cause
we're in trouble.
444
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,710
I'm out, I'll see you
next year, God willin'!
445
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,450
(cheers & applause)
446
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,650
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honking)
447
00:20:56,650 --> 00:20:58,350
Hi, thank you.
448
00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:05,760
Hold still,
I'm gonna get you!
449
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,460
I got it,
I got it!
450
00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:09,200
I'll rip the...
451
00:21:09,230 --> 00:21:11,370
Oh, you ripped
my wig off.
452
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:17,000
That's a good bit,
we planned that.
453
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,000
Greatest show I've ever
seen in my life.
454
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,380
I-I don't think that
this is gonna work.
455
00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,150
You're so much
older than I am.
456
00:21:26,150 --> 00:21:27,850
How old are you?
457
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,580
I'm 35.
458
00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:31,750
I'm 27.
459
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:33,490
Damn!
32719
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