Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle...!

(cheers & applause)

Man.

What's up, guys?

And ladies, excuse me.

Man, y'all,

my album collection just keeps growing.

I just got that 50 Cent.

Damn!

It's hot!

He got the streets on fire.

And it's them mix tapes, too,

that's how he came up, with them mix tapes.

But you know what it is?

Now that he came out with them mix tapes

and that DVD he had and his album,

now everybody's trying to do it.

So, it's like,

record labels is just signing anybody from the streets

thinking it's gonna be the next 50 Cents.

That's ridiculous.

I got one DVD in the mail from a...

I don't even know who sent it to me, but it was crazy.

Let me see this.

Yeah, it's going down, you know how I get down.

Funkmaster Flex and be clear, all the big dogs know

that my man Fisticuff rules the streets.

And if you haven't heard that joint, "Turn My Headphones Up",

you need to get with it, act like you want it.

Watch out for your mind, all this is hot.

What!

Unh!

Turn my headphones up!

I'm serious, nigger, turn them shits up!

Turn 'em up!

Hold up...

I'm serious, nigger, I can't hear outta this ear,

turn my headphones up.

I stabbed a brother in the neck

with a butter knife for Fisticuff.

Just 'cause.

It ain't goin' platinum, it's goin' double uranium, son.

Uranium, ya heard?

We poppin' bottles, stabbin' people, killin' people.

Unh, yeah...

Hold up, nigger, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

This one, nigger, this is my left, turn it up!

Why you drop the beat out, man?

A'ight, here I go.

You ready to rock it?

You ready to see how we do on the streets?

All right, make that beat drop.

Nigger, I said drop, not drumroll.

The ghetto, it's understood what this is,

holla at ya boy!

I'm sayin', nigger, you can't just put velvet

in the shit and think they nice headphones!

Where's my snares?

Where's my snares? One, two, one, two.

I'ma drop it like this,

I'ma drop it like this, hold up, y'all.

I'ma drop it like this, I'ma drop it like this.

Unh... hold it.

Turn my left headphone up a little more.

(man) If you don't know about Fisticuffs by now,

something's wrong with you.

He's got the illest joint out right now.

He's crazy with it, "Turn My Headphones Up."

Nigger, I'm serious, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

Turn that shit up!

Okay, now, let that beat ride like that.

That's right, here I come.

I'm gettin' ready to drop it, y'all ready?

Oh, nigger, just dropped the beat out.

Oh, here we go, here's the real deal.

Unh... unh!

Pump up that bass, pump up that bass!

Pump it up, unh!

From the... what happened?

Oh... well, is the beat gonna stop?

His lyrics are so tight, they don't even have to rhyme.

And the word on the street is late night,

one night in the ghetto,

my man got shot in his ear like, eight times.

What?

Nigger, I can't hear, turn up my headphones!

Turn 'em up, turn them shits up!

Put some treble in it.

Put some treble in it, that's my word.

All right, here we go...

hold up, nigger, I need some water.

My throat's dry.

Well, how the fuck do you expect me to rhyme

if I can't talk, nigger? I'm thirsty.

What is this, jail, motherfucker?

Cop the album that you need, "Turn My Headphones Up,"

it's on "Headphone Records," baby.

There's a lot of heat right here.

Turn 'em up.

Turn them shits up.

Not for real, nigger, I'm sayin' on the paper,

I'm writin'!

Yo, Fisticuff, if you need some new artistes, we down.

I'm killin' people, we drinkin' malt,

we bangin' chicks with no rubbers.

Left my bling-bling at home. We keepin' it gangsta.

Fisticuffs!

You heard, what?

You heard?!

What?

What?!

(man) Go get the biggest album of the year, baby!

(cheers & applause)

We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

You heard?!

What?!

(cheers & applause)

What?!

This ain't neo soul this is "De La Soul"

three types of light without the lime

giving you intelligent shit with a fourth of grime

timely shit from time after time

or like that Brooklyn nigger said, "igger-n I'm"

L.L.'s finest with plug 1, 2 and 3

nigger, Dave Chap "P" right behind us.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

Hey.

(applause)

Welcome back.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

I gotta tell you, I'm real grateful

that I had an opportunity to do this show.

And one of the things it's given me an opportunity to do

is give back.

I recently joined the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

And I've had an opportunity to meet

some extraordinary young people.

And, uh, well, here's one of their stories.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Yeah.

I have a surprise for you, sweetie.

More applesauce?

No, this is a good one.

You know how your favorite movie is Half Baked?

What if I told you Dave Chappelle is here?

Really? Where, mommy?

Come on in, Dave.

(whispering) He's right here.

Hey, your mom told me you were sick,

so I figured I'd come by and pay you a visit.

I'll leave you two alone.

Okay, thanks.

So what you got here, some Playstation?

Street Hoops, wanna play?

I'm warning you, though, I'm pretty good.

I don't know if I can take

losing to a little guy like you.

Come on, it's just a game.

All right, come on, let's play.

Really? Yeah, let's go.

All right, I'm player one, you're player two.

Okay, I think I've done this before.

Oh... ah, 1-0, 1-0.

That's two, that's me.

Two up... not for long.

Oh... okay.

Come on, Billy.

Damn!

Hooray for me!

(angrily) "Hooray for me."

All right, fine, you little bitch.

You ain't scorin' no more, though.

Come on, ball up.

Gonna steal it, comin' down.

Billy, look at my game, it must hurt.

Oh, oh, in your face!

Billy, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, dude.

It was good, though.

It's all me, baby, here it come.

A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga, hooray for me!

Hooray for me, Billy, in your face!

Children is our future, my ass!

I'm the future, I'm the future.

Oh, ah, oh!

You can't deny me, Billy!

You can't deny me, it's too real for you!

What'd I say, you weren't gonna score no more.

Tell your little friends that dreams do come true.

Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital

and whupped your monkey ass in some street hoops.

You think it's my first time?

I got Playstation, I'm rich.

I'm rich, bitch.

Unh, here it come, wait... oh!

I don't wanna play anymore.

You pick them little sticks up, white boy,

and get to the game.

I have an agenda and it goes like this... oh!

Dave, I don't feel good.

Could you call the nurse for me?

Yeah, yeah, are you all right?

Hold... hold on.

Nurse, could you come in here, please, quickly?

Billy is getting his ass whupped on street hoops,

I need a witness.

Unh... oh, dah!

It's so good...

(monitor flatlining)

Billy?

Billy?

Oh, my God, Billy.

Nurse!

Billy, don't you die on me, don't you die on me!

Clear!

(steady beeping on monitor)

Billy?

Billy?

You all right, man?

Huh, you okay, you all right?

(groaning)

Here, grab your sticks, come on, let's go.

Let's go, I'm whuppin' that ass now, almost done.

I'm almost done.

A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga, in your face!

Oh, Billy, I shoulda left you dead, baby,

'cause that, that was a killer.

Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer?

Look, Billy...

I'm sorry, man.

Look, I-I wasn't trying to make you feel bad,

I just... I'm just trying to teach you a lesson.

You can beat cancer but if you wanna beat it,

you gotta be tough, okay?

And I see it in you, Billy, you're gonna make it.

Really?

Hell no, nigger, you play like a bitch!

Hold up... game!

In your face, in your face, Billy!

Feel better.

Half Baked sucked, anyway.

(cheers & applause)

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

Aw, that kid is fine, come on, he was acting.

No, you know when we thought of that sketch,

we was on the tour bus playing a basketball game

and that shit get so emotional,

and I said, "if I was dying of cancer, nigger,

you would still not let me win at it."

Then I said, "hey... "

(laughter)

Ha-ha, go ahead!

Good afternoon, young man, can I help you?

Yeah, I was trying to buy a Gremlin?

Eh?

Ha ha, I'm just playin' with you.

Actually, I'm answering your ad in the paper.

Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra. The ca-me-ra.

Ah, here it is.

How much did I say it was?

Well, your ad says $300.

Ah, for you, I give it to you for 100.

Why, what's wrong with it?

It has special powers.

It will show you things some would pay not to see.

Oh, snap, it gets Comic View?

It will reveal the inner hearts of mankind.

If you press this button,

it will reveal their true self.

If you flip that switch,

it will record their innermost thoughts.

Flip it one more time,

and you can see the last person they had sex with.

And with this last switch,

it will show you where they will be in 10 years.

Damn, man, Sony ain't playin', let me see that.

No!

You must buy it as is and once you purchase it,

you may never return to this store again.

Hold on, let me just think about that for a second, please.

What kind of policy is this?

I can't come back in?

Fine, you can't come outside 'cause if it don't work,

I'ma be out there and whup your monkey ass.

Kick my ass, huh?

Camera works, $100.

100.

Can I get a receipt?

I'm just playin'... all right, man.

Thank you, good luck.

Good luck?

Hey! Dave? What's up,

all right, dude, what's up, man?

Man, I'm just messin' with this camera.

You mind if I, uh?

Nah.

All right, cool, man.

What up, Carson Daly?

What's up, Dave?

(loud cheers & applause)

Hey, folks, we're on in 2013. TRL, Carson Daly.

Will you little fuckers shut up?!

How excited can you really be

for a video you've seen 58 times in a row?

Fuck!

All right? Yeah.

All right, man, good to see ya.

All right, you too, man, take care.

Hey, hey, save your money, dude.

All right.

Man, I look like that 7-Up guy.

Them white girls gonna come flockin'.

Damn!

I've been waiting out here for 45 minutes.

Oh, I knew I should have brought a prettier friend.

God, get surgery, bitch, you're so ugly.

Whoa, I think this Ecstasy's starting to kick in.

Am I freaking out?

No... yeah.

Man, this bitch next to me needs surgery.

What's your name, big man?

Oh, uh...

I said, what's your name, big man?

Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here for Ann's birthday party.

Also, I have a show on Comedy Central,

Wednesdays, 10:30.

(party music)

(man) Yo, Dave,

what's up, man? Hey, hey.

Thanks for coming to my girl's birthday party.

And you brought your camera, that's perfect!

I want you to tape something, all right?

Yeah.

Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me, everybody.

If I could have your attention.

Ann, I have loved you from the moment that I met you.

Baby, will you marry me?

Yes!

Oh, pumpkin!

Dave, I want you to meet my co-worker, Mike.

Yo, what's up, son...

Yo, you a funny dude, man, you funny.

Look, I'm gonna be right back.

I'm going to the dance floor.

Let's dance.

(Mike) Don't you want me, son?

(white man) And one and two, and one and two.

Resume, look cool,

and make my face look na-tur-al.

Hey, you know what, y'all?

I'm gonna just... I'm gonna get some rest.

Good night.

Congratulations, uh... Charlie's girlfriend.

Man, I don't know if I should mess with this camera thing.

I should just turn this thing off

and masturbate on the internet like I planned to.

No, no, fuck it, I'ma go through with this.

I gotta be a man, I'ma go through with this.

Hey, hey... hey, man.

Would you like some more pickles?

I gotta stop drinking.

Oh!

How excited can you really be

for a video you've seen 58 times in a row?

Fuck!

What do you want?

I just want to make a total request live

from my man, Justin Timberlake.

Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.

Star search, 1992, I was with you, man,

I was with you.

"Champion Dave Chappelle receives 31/4 stars"

remember that, Ed McMahon?

God rest his soul, I'm out.

Oh... ohh!

Fuck this camera!

(glass shattering)

Oh, oh...

Oh, a camera, ooh-whee!

What these buttons do?

I want some crack.

(cheers & applause)

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

But don't go nowhere,

'cause we got jokes and jokes and jokes.

Be right back.

Going to the Dave Chappelle show.

How's this?

Ho!

(cheers & applause)

Hey.

Folks, this next musical act

is, like, good friends of mine.

One of my favorite groups ever in hip-hop history.

Please, make some noise for my brothers, De La Soul.

H-h-here we go again, go again, go again...

Yo, it's been instilled in me since in-fin-ite, y'all

usin' these minutes like I value the call.

Put your money in the bank

and hold rank over friends who ain't got leadership skills.

I got the sheep in my eye so I can't sleep.

We like to land and lay the brando way.

Grand operate the scandal way, el la shikes.

fucking with dice.

I hate losin' to those who walk away with my dough.

'Cause I dozed Tracey broke me

and now she wanna see the resident provokin' me

to pop wheelies on my bicycle, watch her eyes twinkle.

One house, two houses, third house.

House rules so house take the bank, watch Dave bank.

Batter had him on the hawk since Atlanta extravaganza.

Gamma ray rapper make the Hulk snap.

Jump back like James Brown. Hey, now.

When the liquor over, we smokin' the... hey, now.

Delegate numero dos, I holler out to Sal and Los

and keep the island close to me

and Dave Chappelle, the host, you see, yo.

Much more is what we got...

Much more,

just believe me,

than they could ever see.

Much more than they could see is how it'll always be.

Believe me.

Ya gotta believe me, yeah.

I got verb skills, babies, and bills.

Your brother who smoked crills

is still tryin' to get himself together from it.

No one can quite run it like me.

I'm on the cutting edge of what's alleged to be hot

and when you rock it's just impersonations of me.

The rightest MC.

MP with the "V" in the middle.

I belittle your plan courtesy

of the NY dirty "C", my man.

My base of fans is made up of many.

We gets allergic to belts.

Lettin' their mind melt from drinkin' the Henny.

And my straightened-out types who be waitin' to hear

them drums say the revolution is near.

Are you listening?

Are your eardrums open for Christening?

We got by the MCS with these tools.

While some others play God,

they just goddamn fools with it.

I don't cut mics, I rough mics up.

Rough and rugged yet the girls still love it.

Still in all, five-o came to my mic check

tellin' me I left lacerations around my mic's neck.

Domestically disputed and you just might get

the undisputed, underdog serving y'all threat.

Much more is what we got in store...

Much more.

It's much more than they could ever see.

(cheers & applause)

Folks, I'd like to thank my guest, De La Soul.

I'd like to thank each and every one of you

for being here with me tonight.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

God bless y'all, I'm out.

(cheers & applause)

I'm rich, bi-atch! (horn honking)

Hi, thank you.

(hip-hop music)

It's Fisticuffs.

This is Fisticuffs, 2003, bitch!

Turn 'em up!

Turn your motherfuckin' stereo up, what?

Turn it up, I'm serious!

You not gonna hear the intricacies of the beat

if the volume's so low, turn it up!

And that, nigger, that's how you make a hit, bitch!

I am the man!

That's right, turn 'em up!