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1
00:00:03,030 --> 00:00:05,230
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,100
Chappelle's Show.
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00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:07,370
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:08,270
Chappelle's
Show.
5
00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:09,970
Oww.
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,140
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
7
00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:13,440
Whoo-hoo.
8
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,480
Yeah, yeah.
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00:00:16,510 --> 00:00:20,380
Let's start
the show.
10
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,550
(cheers and applause)
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00:00:22,580 --> 00:00:26,890
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
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00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,660
Oh, wow... man.
13
00:00:31,690 --> 00:00:34,260
Welcome, welcome to the
Chappelle Show, everybody.
14
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:37,750
Thanks for coming out, man,
I am your, um, host.
15
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,900
(laughs)
16
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,670
You know,
I gotta tell y'all,
17
00:00:41,670 --> 00:00:43,400
I just bought one of
the hottest albums
18
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,110
I bought in
a long time, man.
19
00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:47,280
That, that "Chocolate Factory",
that R. Kelly.
20
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,010
He put it down.
21
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:50,750
(applause)
22
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:52,510
I mean, say what you want
to say about his scandal,
23
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:55,550
but the music is scandal-proof,
you know what I'm saying?
24
00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:57,280
And any real fan
of R. Kelly
25
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,020
wouldn't let that
scandal stop him
26
00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:00,750
because if you was paying
attention to his music
27
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,460
all these years,
28
00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:04,830
you might've seen it coming
like I did.
29
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:06,800
Go ahead,
roll that video.
30
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,430
Yeah... it's the R.
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40 ounces of
malt liquor
32
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make me want to
tell you somethin'.
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Said rollin' around
sittin' on dubs,
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00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:19,840
countin' the hours
high on shrubs.
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00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,540
Coolin' in my Escalade.
36
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:23,740
Man, I'm paid.
I got it made.
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Take me to
your special place.
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Close your eyes,
show me your face.
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I'm gonna
piss on it.
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Haters wanna hate,
lovers wanna love.
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00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:38,460
I don't even want
none of the above.
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I want to piss on you
yes, I do.
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I'll piss on you.
I'll pee on you.
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Said your body,
your body
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is a port-a-potty.
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I'ma pee
out kick.
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00:01:58,450 --> 00:02:02,750
I can use karate,
use karate.
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00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:04,920
I'ma pee on you.
49
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Drip, drip, drip,
pee on you.
50
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,820
Pour on you.
51
00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:10,990
Piss on you.
Piss on you.
52
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:14,460
You'll never feel
quite the same
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00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:18,370
when you get a whiff
of my Hershey stains.
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I wanna poop
on you too.
55
00:02:21,870 --> 00:02:26,170
I want to
pee in your food.
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00:02:26,610 --> 00:02:28,380
Only thing to
make my life complete
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is when I turn your face
into a toilet seat.
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00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:34,420
I want to pee on you.
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00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:37,450
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
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00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:42,220
I'll pee on you.
I'll piss on you.
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00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:46,130
Haters wanna hate,
lovers wanna love.
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I don't even want
none of the above.
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00:02:49,630 --> 00:02:53,070
I want to piss on you.
Yes, I do.
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I'll piss on you.
I'll pee on you.
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00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,880
Won't you braid
my hair,
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00:03:00,910 --> 00:03:05,650
say, won't you
braid my hair?
67
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,680
Before you start
I'm gonna fart,
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I'm gonna fart on you.
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00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,490
(applause and cheers)
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00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,660
Oh!
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Boy, that R. Kelly
can make a love song
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about anything,
can't he?
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Now, a lot of you
might be wondering,
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"Dave, how are you
gonna follow that?"
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00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,940
How else?
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00:03:29,970 --> 00:03:31,270
Make some noise,
ladies and gentlemen,
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00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:35,140
for Paul Mooney's, time for,
"Ask A Black Dude".
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00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,080
Are all their dicks
really big?
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00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,690
Or are some small,
some big?
80
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,020
Is it a mixed bag,
81
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,590
or do we just assume
they're all hung like horses?
82
00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:51,660
Brothers are packing,
they seem to be packing.
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00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:54,230
I guess that's the way
of the world.
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00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:57,300
That's why you have
so many mixed couples.
85
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White girl
ain't that crazy.
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00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,770
How's the old saying go?
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00:04:00,770 --> 00:04:03,340
"Once you go black,
you don't come back"?
88
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:05,540
You go white,
you go running back to black.
89
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:07,270
Ain't that the way
it goes?
90
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,980
It happens that way.
91
00:04:09,010 --> 00:04:11,580
Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?
92
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,330
And then they divorced...
93
00:04:13,350 --> 00:04:14,650
she was humping on
black chairs,
94
00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:17,250
she went crazy when she
got away from him.
95
00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:21,560
Okay, I've always wondered why
black guys shave their heads.
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00:04:21,590 --> 00:04:24,190
I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair,
97
00:04:24,190 --> 00:04:25,890
and I could never figure out
98
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,530
why so many of them
shave their heads.
99
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:29,800
It's just a fad.
100
00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:31,530
Now, white folks wear
bald heads, too.
101
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You know they ain't gonna
let a nigga have nothing.
102
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We wore naturals,
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they took that,
they take everything.
104
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They took
Tina Turner.
105
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,640
They took Michael Jackson.
106
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,280
They took James Brown...
they gave him back.
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00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,410
Who else they take?
108
00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:46,440
Lionel Richie.
109
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,450
Oh, they'll
take stuff from you.
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00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,490
They will take, they won't
let us have too much fun.
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That's what I told
some black people
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the other night at my show.
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I said,
"don't get too fond of me
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'cause white folks'll come in
and take me."
115
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:01,900
They only want niggas
to have a little bit of fun.
116
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:04,060
I get to talking
some mess on your show,
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they'll take your show,
they'll fix you, too.
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Woo!
119
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That Paul Mooney
is something!
120
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,980
I can't believe this is
actually happening.
121
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R. Kelly actually sent over
the "Piss On You" remix.
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(man)
What?!
123
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:24,450
I'm serious!
124
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:27,060
For real, look!
125
00:05:27,490 --> 00:05:29,220
Normally
I don't do this,
126
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:30,990
but I'ma hit y'all off with
a little taste of the remix.
127
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:32,690
Y'all ready?
Here we go.
128
00:05:32,690 --> 00:05:34,460
I pick you up
from the club.
129
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,200
Take you home
to make some love.
130
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,330
Got a surprise,
close your eyes.
131
00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:40,590
I'm gonna
cover you with suds.
132
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,310
I'm gonna give you
some poo-poo.
133
00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:47,040
I'm gonna give you
some pee-pee.
134
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,780
I'm gonna give you
some doo-doo.
135
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:50,910
Wash it down
with some wee-wee.
136
00:05:50,910 --> 00:05:54,410
This is the remix edition
of the song about pissin'.
137
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,150
I got that peein'
leakin', reekin'
138
00:05:56,150 --> 00:05:58,720
and there's juice
in the kitchen.
139
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:03,490
Yeah... that's how it goes
at an T. Kelly party.
140
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,960
I sip Cris'...
141
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,000
you drink piss.
142
00:06:10,030 --> 00:06:11,770
"I Wanna
Piss On You" remix.
143
00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:13,470
You heard?
144
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:14,800
You know, I'm serious.
145
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,230
I really do
want to piss on you.
146
00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:18,670
(applause)
147
00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:20,440
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
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00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:23,280
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
149
00:06:25,610 --> 00:06:27,780
Chappelle's Show. Ow.
150
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,120
Hey, gang.
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00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:34,720
Boy, so much to talk
about tonight.
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00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,760
I've been watching the,
the History Channel a lot.
153
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,490
The History Channel,
154
00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:41,660
it gives you perspective
on a lot of things.
155
00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:43,000
For instance,
gang violence
156
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,170
is something that I never
really understood.
157
00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:46,470
And then I was watching
the History Channel
158
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,200
and they just
came with it, man.
159
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,770
They really
enlightened me.
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00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:54,680
(host) Welcome to "The
World's Greatest Wars".
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We've reviewed
The Civil War,
162
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:02,050
World War II
and The Gulf War.
163
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:06,820
But now, we turn your
attention to a classic war
164
00:07:06,850 --> 00:07:12,030
that took place right here
on American soil.
165
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:16,360
For the last 20 years,
on Chicago's South side,
166
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,140
a violent war has been waged
between two bitter enemies,
167
00:07:21,170 --> 00:07:25,910
the 19th Street Gangsters
and the River Terrace Crew.
168
00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:30,250
The war began in 1982 over
a pair of basketball shoes.
169
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,720
But not just
any basketball shoes.
170
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:37,620
These... were Nikes.
171
00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:39,350
"Ay, dog, ay,"
172
00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:41,960
Earl "The Snake" White
called out
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00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,560
after a rival member
of the 19th Street Gangsters,
174
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,730
General Cornrow Wallace,
175
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,330
made minor contact
with his shoes.
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Ay!
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00:07:51,530 --> 00:07:53,230
Ay, dog, ay.
178
00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:55,640
You stepped
on my sneaker, man!
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00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,670
The Snake knew then that
he would have to fight him.
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00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:00,180
Aah!
181
00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:02,480
Ah, aah!
182
00:08:02,510 --> 00:08:03,650
What you got?
183
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,950
Oh! Aah!
184
00:08:04,980 --> 00:08:07,120
(mocking)
Aah! Aah!
185
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:10,150
Get that shit
off my sneakers!
186
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:12,320
(clucking,
cooing)
187
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,690
The Snake was down,
but not out.
188
00:08:19,730 --> 00:08:21,900
He returned to
the Crew's clubhouse
189
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:25,330
and rallied the troops
with a most impassioned speech.
190
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,530
Some mark-ass trick just
stepped on my sneakers
191
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:29,700
and poured morton salt
all over 'em.
192
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:31,840
Are y'all
ready to ride?
193
00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:33,140
Robble, robble.
194
00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:34,470
(all)
Robble, robble!
195
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,080
Let's ride on these fools
at their own barbecue.
196
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,650
Wasting no time,
the Crew commenced
197
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,380
stomping on
people's sneakers
198
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:44,020
to let them know
who ran the projects.
199
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:47,890
General Cornrow Wallace
pulled out a gun...
200
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,960
unheard of, at that point,
in street fighting.
201
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,230
(gunshot)
202
00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:54,430
A resident called 9-1-1
immediately.
203
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:57,470
Police showed up promptly
four hours later.
204
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,900
Cornrow was sentenced
to seven years in prison.
205
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:04,810
His time there would be
formative, to say the least.
206
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,980
(clucking,
cooing)
207
00:09:07,010 --> 00:09:10,010
His roommate in jail was a man
named Tyrone Biggums,
208
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:12,210
who regaled Cornrow
with stories
209
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:14,780
of a new way
to make cocaine.
210
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,390
It's called crack!
211
00:09:17,420 --> 00:09:18,690
It's great!
212
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,200
And it's so
simple to make!
213
00:09:21,290 --> 00:09:23,060
All you need
is some cocaine
214
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:24,760
and some baking soda...
215
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,390
and I think I tasted
egg and cinnamon.
216
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,400
Whoever sells it
is gonna be rich!
217
00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:33,900
Cornrow immediately alerted
his friends on the outside
218
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,600
via a letter.
219
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,800
(man reading slowly)
"Yo.
220
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:41,240
"Y'all niggers need
to cook up cocaine
221
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:46,880
"with... ba-king powder
and sell it.
222
00:09:46,910 --> 00:09:50,790
"All the best, Cornrollup.
223
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:54,420
P.S. (coos)"
224
00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:56,890
They immediately started
cooking the stuff up
225
00:09:56,890 --> 00:10:00,360
and selling it on what little
space they still controlled.
226
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,960
They had made hundreds
of thousands of dollars
227
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,670
in mere weeks.
228
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:07,730
In no time, Snake and his crew
followed suit.
229
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:11,610
The money made fueled what
became a heated arms race
230
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,270
between the two groups.
231
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:15,510
(gunshots)
232
00:10:15,540 --> 00:10:17,680
(explosion,
Snake laughs)
233
00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:19,450
The violence escalated
every year,
234
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,580
finally peaking in 1989
235
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:25,050
when the 19th Street Gangsters
sustained a massive loss
236
00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:27,690
at the battle of
the Kool Moe Dee concert,
237
00:10:27,690 --> 00:10:31,130
which took place at...
a Kool Moe Dee concert.
238
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,890
Newly released from prison,
239
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:36,330
revered General Cornrow Wallace
was shot dead.
240
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,500
The funeral was somber
241
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:41,970
and filled with Cornrow's
signature bird call.
242
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,140
(all cooing)
243
00:10:44,570 --> 00:10:47,030
The funeral passed
without incident
244
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,090
but what the crew did next
245
00:10:49,340 --> 00:10:52,380
appalled even
the hardest thugs.
246
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:54,550
The crew went
to the graveyard
247
00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:57,590
and dug up General
Cornrow Wallace's body,
248
00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:01,060
absconding with it
to their hideout.
249
00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:03,220
The incident was videotaped
250
00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:06,290
and sent to members of
the 19th Street Gangsters.
251
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,860
Hey, fool, we got
your leader.
252
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,170
Look at us.
253
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,330
High five!
High five!
254
00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:14,530
Look at these
pretty clothes there.
255
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:17,970
Get his shoes,
look at them pretty shoes!
256
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,580
Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.
257
00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:24,050
Robble, robble
robble, robble.
258
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:28,850
Tensions between
the Gangsters
259
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:31,890
and the 19th Street Crew
rage to this day.
260
00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:34,490
Most of the original members
of the gangs
261
00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:37,060
are either dead
or in jail.
262
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:41,400
But we did speak to one member,
Earl "The Snake" White.
263
00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:44,900
Ironically, he now works
at a friendly Shoe Source
264
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,070
in a strip mall on
the exact location
265
00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:50,070
where the Cardinal Projects
once stood.
266
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,370
All right!
267
00:11:51,810 --> 00:11:55,310
Snake, knowing what you do now,
was it all worth it?
268
00:11:55,310 --> 00:11:57,450
Yeah, it was a tragedy!
269
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,610
Can you repeat
the question?
270
00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:02,680
For the History Channel,
I'm Jeff Frankel.
271
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,390
Good night.
272
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:07,420
(applause)
273
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,060
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
274
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:13,930
but we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
275
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,660
So don't go anywhere.
276
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:23,040
Ha-ha, go ahead!
277
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,980
Hey, gang, welcome back.
278
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:33,880
Welcome back.
279
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:35,650
So here at Chappelle's Show.
we like to show people
280
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:38,220
the real versions
of movies.
281
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:40,420
Okay, so I got
another one for you.
282
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,590
Today we're gonna do
"Deep Impact".
283
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,890
I don't know
if you've seen it.
284
00:12:43,890 --> 00:12:46,460
This was where Morgan Freeman
was the black President.
285
00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:49,500
An asteroid was speeding
towards Earth,
286
00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:51,700
and he had to
figure out a way
287
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:55,140
to solve the problem
and save humanity!
288
00:12:55,170 --> 00:12:58,170
I wonder what would
really happen, hmm?
289
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,510
Please be seated.
290
00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:07,280
Hello, America.
291
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,880
As you all know, there's an
asteroid the size of Maine
292
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,490
speeding towards Earth
as we speak.
293
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,520
I'd like to take a moment
out of the day to, uh,
294
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,160
address the allegations
that this is somehow
295
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,430
my fault.
296
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,100
Firstly I'd like to say
297
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:28,970
that these allegations are
absolutely and 100% false.
298
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,570
Secondly,
and most importantly,
299
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:35,480
I'd like to say that you
motherfuckers disgust me!
300
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:38,080
You're goddamn right
I said it.
301
00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:39,410
If you knew just
one of the things
302
00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:41,150
I was sworn
to secrecy to,
303
00:13:41,150 --> 00:13:43,320
you would buckle under
the goddamn pressure.
304
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,620
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
305
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:46,320
Like what?
306
00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:48,490
How about this.
307
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,390
I have here in my hand
the cure for AIDS.
308
00:13:52,430 --> 00:13:56,730
We've had this
for 25 years.
309
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,470
Have a great weekend.
310
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,500
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
311
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:04,100
Well, I have somebody
I'd like you to meet.
312
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:06,270
Come on up here, Paula.
313
00:14:06,310 --> 00:14:09,740
America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula.
314
00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:12,350
And here's Paula again.
315
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:14,550
And here's Paula
one more time.
316
00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:17,550
We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle
317
00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:19,720
some 19-odd years ago.
318
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,920
Not only that, we added
a pinch of black genes
319
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,060
so that they could
do things like this.
320
00:14:24,060 --> 00:14:25,360
Hit it, girls.
321
00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:27,960
Running through
the raindrops
322
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,570
wishing that
you won't stop...
323
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,770
that'll be enough,
thank you very much.
324
00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:34,040
All right, baby.
325
00:14:34,470 --> 00:14:37,070
Oh, hold on, Paula.
326
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,810
It's the cure
for AIDS.
327
00:14:38,810 --> 00:14:41,840
Sorry about
last night.
328
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,040
Freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
329
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,210
Or you think you can
still handle my job?
330
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:48,380
Because if you're cocky and you
think you got hold of this,
331
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:50,550
I got some more
information for you.
332
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:53,150
Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy?
333
00:14:53,150 --> 00:14:54,890
Yeah.
Who killed Kennedy?
334
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:56,620
You ready for
the truth, America?
335
00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:58,330
Here it comes.
336
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,500
Oswald killed Kennedy.
337
00:15:00,530 --> 00:15:03,560
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald
killed John F. Kennedy,
338
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,570
alone and
by himself.
339
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,600
With a magic bullet.
340
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,370
That's right, the bullet
was actually magical,
341
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,640
magic does exist.
342
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,280
We've known about this
for some 2,000 years.
343
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,580
I'm not finished yet,
344
00:15:16,580 --> 00:15:18,310
I have some more information
that might startle you.
345
00:15:18,310 --> 00:15:20,450
The R. Kelly sex tape.
346
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,050
That wasn't R. Kelly,
it was me.
347
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,460
That's right,
348
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,520
I urinate on people
when I have sex with them.
349
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,290
I'm a disgusting human being
and I apologize
350
00:15:28,290 --> 00:15:31,290
to the people who
I've hurt and peed on.
351
00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:33,030
Bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I?
352
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:34,360
I'm really on a roll
and I don't care
353
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,500
because the world's
going to end any day now.
354
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,260
So I might as well
introduce you
355
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,000
to a good friend
of mine, Bibble.
356
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,390
Bibble, come on up.
357
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:42,600
(man)
Oh my God!
358
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,310
Is that an alien?!
359
00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:48,640
America, this is Bibble.
360
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,280
Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away
361
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,850
in a galaxy
called Nebulon Five.
362
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,480
And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology
363
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,090
we've seen
over the last few decades:
364
00:15:59,090 --> 00:16:01,690
Cell phones, pagers,
Playstation 1 and 2.
365
00:16:01,690 --> 00:16:03,860
You might think it was the
Japanese who are responsible,
366
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,560
but anyone in the know
367
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,730
knows that it was Bibble,
fo' shizzle
368
00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,060
and all 'bout Bibble.
369
00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:11,910
'Cause only Bibble
can keep it so real.
370
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:15,100
Hey, uh, Bibble, is
the spaceship ready?
371
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,870
(electronic voice)
Aye, aye.
372
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,170
I'm ready to
get out of here.
373
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,910
Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave,
374
00:16:19,910 --> 00:16:21,610
but before we go
I just want to say,
375
00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:23,380
there's no hope for
the Planet Earth.
376
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,110
There's no way to
stop the asteroid
377
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,410
and you're all
gonna die.
378
00:16:26,410 --> 00:16:28,120
Everyone except for me.
379
00:16:28,150 --> 00:16:30,320
And of course, Bibble,
who's been so kind
380
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,490
to let me accompany him
on his spaceship.
381
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:35,090
And I'm bringing those three
cloned white women with me.
382
00:16:35,090 --> 00:16:36,370
Good-bye, America.
383
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,120
I hope you all die
in a fiery death
384
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:40,290
when the meteor
hits next Tuesday.
385
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,030
Come on, Bibble,
let's get out of here.
386
00:16:42,030 --> 00:16:43,730
(man)
Oh my God!
387
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,900
Aye, aye.
388
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:48,940
(applause)
389
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:54,610
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
390
00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:56,340
But please,
don't go anywhere
391
00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,480
'cause we'll be right back.
392
00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:04,120
Look at that.
393
00:17:04,550 --> 00:17:08,020
Turn on your TV,
what you gonna see?
394
00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:13,220
I would like to thank
the studio audience.
395
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:15,430
I would like to
thank you at home.
396
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:18,430
You see, because
I keep saying...
397
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:19,730
Hi.
398
00:17:19,770 --> 00:17:21,030
Hey, what's up, man?
399
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,340
We just got a call,
looks like you're having
400
00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:23,240
a lot of fun out here.
401
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:24,540
Just having
a blast, baby.
402
00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:26,710
Yeah, we, uh,
we are the white guys.
403
00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:28,880
And we've come
to take over your show.
404
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,450
What do you mean,
are you...?
405
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,080
Well, we already
got Paul Mooney.
406
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,380
Now we gotta
take you.
407
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:36,650
You took Paul?
408
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:37,980
Yeah...
oh, and by the way,
409
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,290
could you people
stack the chairs
410
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,590
on the way out,
please?
411
00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:41,890
Thank you so much.
412
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:43,190
Hey, wait a minute,
wait.
413
00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:44,490
Get a picture of me
and David before we go.
414
00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:45,590
Oh, sure, sure.
415
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,660
Yeah, my daughter's
gonna love this.
416
00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:47,930
Oh, Hannah, yeah?
417
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,700
My daughter thinks
you're really funny.
418
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,430
Okay, we got him
now, huh?
419
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:53,170
Is this still live?
Can we cut that?
420
00:17:53,170 --> 00:17:56,600
Yeah, the mic's on...
but, hey, hold on there...
421
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,340
Help!
422
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,810
Help!
423
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,410
What y'all
clapping for?!
424
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:05,710
Help!
425
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,010
Watch your step.
426
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:09,430
This ain't no skit,
bitch, help!
427
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:13,960
I'm rich, bi-atch!
428
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:14,860
(horn honks)
429
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,300
Hi, thank you!
430
00:18:21,330 --> 00:18:23,500
Good night,
Cornrow Wallace.
431
00:18:23,530 --> 00:18:25,390
Watch out
for the wolves.
432
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,910
Is it mornin' yet?!
433
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:36,540
I pee on people when
I have sex with them.
434
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:37,810
(laughs)
435
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,150
Can I say
"pee on people"
436
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,310
or is standards
gonna kill me?
437
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,480
That's right, I spray
people with urine
438
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,180
during sexual encounters.
439
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,390
Surprise, surprise,
right in your eyes.
440
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:49,090
You're right,
that's much lighter.
441
00:18:49,090 --> 00:18:50,830
(crew laughing)
31503
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