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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,200
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,100
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:06,970
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:08,240
Chappelle's
Show.
5
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:09,540
Oww.
6
00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:11,710
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
7
00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:13,440
Whoo-hoo.
8
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,040
Yeah, yeah.
9
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:20,380
Let's start
the show.
10
00:00:20,580 --> 00:00:24,290
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
11
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,890
Hey, hey!
12
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,790
Clippity-clappity,
clappity-clap!
13
00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:33,400
I've gotta
tell you guys,
14
00:00:33,430 --> 00:00:37,730
when I'm not doing this show
I play a lot of video games.
15
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,500
I don't know if you guys are
into them a lot,
16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,940
but I love video games,
anytime, all the time.
17
00:00:42,970 --> 00:00:44,710
I make love to my wife:
"Get off me."
18
00:00:44,710 --> 00:00:47,710
Turn on Playstation.
19
00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:49,040
I just want points, man.
20
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,210
My whole life's like
Vice City, man, look.
21
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:52,950
It's crazy, man,
you'll see.
22
00:00:52,950 --> 00:00:54,690
Look, just look at this.
23
00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:58,590
I'll see you, baby.
24
00:00:58,590 --> 00:00:59,420
Bye.
25
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:00,720
Bye-bye.
26
00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:14,170
(car honks)
27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,640
Sorry, I need this!
28
00:01:17,670 --> 00:01:19,370
What are you doing?!
29
00:01:19,410 --> 00:01:21,110
Not if I can
help it.
30
00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:22,410
(gunshots)
31
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,150
Ow! Oh!
32
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,390
(machine gun firing)
33
00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:41,060
The name's Chappelle.
34
00:01:45,830 --> 00:01:48,870
Bye, baby,
I'll see you later.
35
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,610
I love ya!
36
00:01:55,380 --> 00:01:57,550
(applause)
37
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,520
I was recently overseas
in Japan.
38
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,220
I'm not braggin'.
39
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,420
I got a lot of respect
in Japan.
40
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,460
I've never been treated
so well by people.
41
00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:15,360
I would say that I was loved
and feared at the same time.
42
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,100
I have footage
of my vacation,
43
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:20,640
and I would like to share it
with you right now.
44
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,870
(melodramatic music playing)
45
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,080
(loud rumbling)
46
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,850
(screaming)
47
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,690
Ahh...
48
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:48,300
(funkier music playing)
49
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:50,030
Ohh!
50
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:20,400
(coughing)
51
00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:30,400
All y'all right here,
I got something for ya.
52
00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:32,670
I got something
for all y'all.
53
00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:35,580
Oh, no, he pull
his pants down!
54
00:03:36,010 --> 00:03:37,750
Ta-daaa.
55
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:43,390
That's no snake, honey.
56
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,990
It's raining
it's pouring...
57
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,130
(siren blaring)
58
00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:02,900
Oh, snap!
59
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:05,070
I thought you was
locked up.
60
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,240
(roaring)
61
00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:16,790
You have
a problem, huh?
62
00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:20,690
Ooh!
63
00:04:26,330 --> 00:04:28,930
Oh, no!
64
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,100
(squish,
Godzilla roars)
65
00:04:34,570 --> 00:04:35,870
Yee!
66
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,040
(electricity buzzing)
67
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,080
Yah!
68
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:49,750
Yeah!
69
00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:51,920
I'm from the streets, bitch!
70
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,900
Oh, no!
71
00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:18,810
Oh, ooh!
Hot, hot!
72
00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:24,020
Oh, no, not stick.
73
00:05:24,050 --> 00:05:27,060
Ahh! Ahh!
74
00:05:27,090 --> 00:05:29,660
Ah!
75
00:05:29,690 --> 00:05:32,260
(romantic
piano music playing)
76
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,900
Um...
77
00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:41,400
I'll call you sometime or
come around or something.
78
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,410
I'll be back.
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00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,310
(roar)
80
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:51,780
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
81
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,850
We'll be right back, folks,
with more Chappelle's Show.
82
00:05:54,850 --> 00:05:56,550
So don't go anywhere.
83
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,060
Man, I'm bored.
84
00:06:03,090 --> 00:06:06,960
I gotta go to
the Chappelle Show.
85
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,560
You know, folks...
86
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,600
tonight is actually
a very special night.
87
00:06:12,630 --> 00:06:15,640
I was in negotiations
with Comedy Central
88
00:06:15,670 --> 00:06:19,140
to do a one-hour special...
much like I did on HBO.
89
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,440
Very excited about it,
90
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,180
and then, suddenly the
negotiations fell apart
91
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:23,910
'cause they didn't have
the money that I wanted.
92
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:25,610
They won't budge.
93
00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:27,380
But they did, they did
come up with enough money
94
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:30,820
for me to do
a two-minute special.
95
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,550
Yes, and tonight,
96
00:06:32,990 --> 00:06:34,760
you are the lucky crowd
that gets to see it.
97
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,060
So everyone,
just sit tight.
98
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:37,360
I'm gonna go in the back
99
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:38,660
and we're gonna start
shootin' this puppy.
100
00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,920
All right,
let's get it goin'.
101
00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:49,470
(funky music plays)
102
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,420
Ladies and gentlemen,
103
00:08:08,450 --> 00:08:12,750
give it up right now
for Dave Chappelle!
104
00:08:12,790 --> 00:08:15,790
(cheers and applause)
105
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,070
Whassup?
106
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,240
How y'all feelin'?
107
00:08:29,270 --> 00:08:33,170
I gotta get right into it, I
don't have a lot of time now.
108
00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:36,180
I wanna talk about the war.
109
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:40,080
I wanna tell y'all how
I really feel about the war.
110
00:08:40,110 --> 00:08:42,720
Y'all ready to hear how
I feel about the war?
111
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,320
Y'all ready to hear
how I feel about Bush?
112
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,050
Well, this is
how I feel...
113
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:47,890
(buzzer)
114
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,650
Thank you very much,
good night!
115
00:09:15,650 --> 00:09:17,390
Fuckin' pay me!
116
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:30,400
Chappelle's Show.
117
00:09:30,430 --> 00:09:33,440
Better not bring
your kids.
118
00:09:33,870 --> 00:09:35,170
Hey, guys.
119
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:42,980
Do any of you guys watch
those documentaries on HBO?
120
00:09:43,010 --> 00:09:45,180
Those, uh,
"Hookers and Johns"?
121
00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:46,880
(audience)
Yeah.
122
00:09:46,910 --> 00:09:49,950
Did anybody see that one,
"Pimps Up, Ho's Down"?
123
00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:51,650
(light applause)
124
00:09:52,090 --> 00:09:53,420
I just seen their new one,
125
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:55,120
and I got an advanced
copy on it,
126
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,020
you're gonna love it.
127
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,290
Check it out.
128
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,250
Yeah, you know
what I'm sayin'?
129
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,560
Like, real hatin', man,
that's like an art form, man.
130
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,720
You know, it's like,
you like a born hater.
131
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:33,290
You know, like myself,
a lot of cats think they hatin'.
132
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:35,500
I mean, I'm mad
at everything, man.
133
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,230
Brother got a nice car...
134
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:38,970
"Man, why you got a car?
I only got one car.
135
00:10:38,970 --> 00:10:41,130
"Why you got three cars
or a wife or all that?
136
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,840
"Man, that's played out."
137
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,040
I hate on a nigga
'til he's totally broke,
138
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,040
and ain't got nothin' like me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
139
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,510
'Cause, yeah, that's what
real hatin' is all about, man.
140
00:10:51,510 --> 00:10:52,850
Hey, what's poppin',
everybody?
141
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:54,150
The evil star here,
wanna welcome you to
142
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:56,720
the Fifth Annual Player
Haters Award, uh, Ceremony.
143
00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,220
This gala affair, we, uh,
we host this once a year.
144
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,220
We honor the most
prestigious verbal abusers,
145
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:04,960
uh, on the planet.
146
00:11:07,130 --> 00:11:09,300
(heavy Korean accent)
147
00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:15,840
Again, I'm hating
all them Koreans.
148
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,540
(speaking Korean)
149
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:27,080
Is that a cut on beauty?
150
00:11:27,110 --> 00:11:31,420
The player haters ball
gives us an opportunity
151
00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:35,760
to hate on a diverse array
of mark-ass marks,
152
00:11:35,790 --> 00:11:38,360
trick-ass marks,
punk bitches
153
00:11:38,790 --> 00:11:41,480
and skip-scap skanks
and scallywags...
154
00:11:41,830 --> 00:11:45,500
ho's, heifers,
hee-haws and hula hoops.
155
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,070
Man, you oughtta
take that cane
156
00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:50,070
and beat whoever
made that suit to death.
157
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,810
(laughs)
158
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,970
Why don't you vacuum
that coat, man?
159
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,710
Well, well, well!
160
00:11:55,740 --> 00:12:00,920
The most diabolical haters
this side of the Mississippi.
161
00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:03,120
Buc Nasty, what can i
say about that suit
162
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,990
that hasn't already been
said about Afghanistan?
163
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,020
It looks bombed out
and depleted.
164
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:13,060
And of course,
the so-called "beautiful".
165
00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:16,130
Why don't you click your heels
together three times
166
00:12:16,130 --> 00:12:18,270
and go back to Africa?
167
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,870
And as for you,
Boss Hogg,
168
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:24,340
very insulting what you
said about my coat.
169
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:26,970
It's made out of your
mother's pubic hair.
170
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,680
Quite shitty.
171
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,750
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take my throne
172
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,750
'cause I'm a shoo-in...
173
00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:36,920
for hater
of the year.
174
00:12:36,950 --> 00:12:39,550
The Player Haters Ball
is not always about
175
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,120
hating on
one another.
176
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,730
We play games
with each other, too.
177
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,330
Like our annual
Photo Flip.
178
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,630
Oh.
Damn.
179
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:49,930
Oh my God.
180
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,130
Little-ass teeth?
Nigga got dolphin teeth.
181
00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:53,840
Arsenio Hall teeth!
182
00:12:53,870 --> 00:12:56,470
He always says he doesn't want
anyone to see him shine,
183
00:12:56,470 --> 00:12:59,040
but the nigga
looks shiny to me.
184
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:02,940
Looks like Malcolm X before
he converted to Islam.
185
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:05,110
Next.
186
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:06,450
Thank you, Miss Effie.
187
00:13:06,450 --> 00:13:09,050
Good lord, almighty,
it's Osama Bin Laden.
188
00:13:09,050 --> 00:13:11,220
That motherfucker pumped
my gas in my car
189
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,920
on the way over here.
190
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:15,990
That's ironic, because
I take yoga classes from him.
191
00:13:15,990 --> 00:13:18,130
Next picture, please.
192
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,600
I like the song the girl sings,
"Papa, Don't Preach".
193
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,360
I got a song
for you too, bitch.
194
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,530
It's called,
"Daughter, Don't Sing".
195
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:28,540
Next picture, please.
196
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:30,710
It's Boy George!
197
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,910
Now, that man right there
I'd hate to fight.
198
00:13:32,910 --> 00:13:36,340
She wears underwear
with dick holes in 'em.
199
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:41,590
(man)
Now to present the award
200
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:45,020
for Player Hater
of the Year... Ice T.!
201
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,620
(booing)
202
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,560
You look like
Bill Cosby on crack!
203
00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:53,290
I'd like to welcome
all you ignorant-ass bitches,
204
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,900
critics, complainers,
disgruntled rappers,
205
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:58,030
ha, and racists especially,
206
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:01,070
to the Ninth Annual
International
207
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,670
Player Haters Ball!
208
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,840
Oh, man,
hate, hate, hate...
209
00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:08,040
(audience chanting)
Hate, hate, hate, hate...
210
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,040
Hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate.
211
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:12,780
Oh, man, you corny!
212
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,950
Next nigga say somethin'
while I'm talkin'
213
00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:17,150
is gettin' shot,
please believe that.
214
00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:19,290
Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
215
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,460
So without further ado,
216
00:14:21,490 --> 00:14:24,960
let me give you the nominations
for Player Hater of the Year.
217
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Y'all ready?
218
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,430
First up...
Buc Nasty!
219
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:32,300
(booing)
220
00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,070
Clap for me, bitch!
221
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:36,200
Buc Nasty is
nominated for...
222
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,500
getting his best friend's
wife pregnant,
223
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,010
then tricking
his best friend
224
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,580
into raising the
little motherfucker.
225
00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:45,350
Yeah, holla
at your boy.
226
00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:47,920
Damn, that's hateful!
227
00:14:47,950 --> 00:14:50,520
The next nominee
is Pit Bull.
228
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:52,250
(booing)
229
00:14:52,290 --> 00:14:55,720
Pit Bull is nominated
for calling the police
230
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,790
on the drug dealers that moved
next door to his house,
231
00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:00,960
not because it was
the right thing to do,
232
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,830
just because he was jealous of
all the money they was makin'.
233
00:15:04,830 --> 00:15:07,000
Pit Bull!
(barks)
234
00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:08,770
Finally,
the one and only...
235
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:10,910
Silky Johnson!
236
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:13,510
(boos
and applause)
237
00:15:13,540 --> 00:15:16,110
Silky Johnson is nominated
238
00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:20,450
for calling in a bomb threat
to the Special Olympics, man!
239
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,650
(audience) Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!
240
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:24,350
The winner of
the Ninth Annual
241
00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:26,120
Player Hater
of the Year Award is...
242
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,500
(man) Look like a bootleg Ice T.!
243
00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:31,290
Silky Johnson!
244
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:34,760
(booing)
245
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,060
Kiss my ass!
246
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,230
I'm the biggest hater!
247
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,910
Silky mink made out of
100% rat ass!
248
00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:49,510
Hit me, baby.
249
00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:51,710
That, of course,
was beautiful talkin'.
250
00:15:51,710 --> 00:15:53,880
Beautiful on the weekends
does stunts
251
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,450
for Little Richard
in gay movies.
252
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,490
(laughter)
253
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,960
First off, I would like to
thank God almighty
254
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:05,990
for giving everybody
so much...
255
00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:09,460
and me so little.
256
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,630
I hate you,
I hate you,
257
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:14,670
I don't even know you,
and I hate your guts.
258
00:16:14,670 --> 00:16:17,300
I hope all the bad things
in life happen to you
259
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,040
and nobody else but you.
260
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,740
(booing)
261
00:16:20,770 --> 00:16:22,910
Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
262
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,080
And as I sip my soda
263
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,680
that I'm sure
somebody spit in
264
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,150
I just would like to
say to all of you,
265
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:35,490
kiss my ass,
you rotten motherfuckers.
266
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,560
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home
267
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,590
and put some water
in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
268
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,300
Good evening.
269
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,900
(laughter)
270
00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:47,670
Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate,
271
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:49,890
hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate...
272
00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,880
(cheers and applause)
273
00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:59,350
I will be right back,
I will see you shortly.
274
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:00,680
Come back,
don't go anywhere.
275
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,300
You got more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
276
00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,590
Turn on your TV.
277
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:10,630
What you
gonna see?
278
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:12,390
I would like to thank
all of you
279
00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:14,530
for being here
with me tonight.
280
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:15,830
You're great.
281
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,030
And I'd like to thank
you at home for watching.
282
00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:22,150
Tune in next week and we'll
see you on Chappelle's Show.
283
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:26,270
I'm rich, bi-atch!
284
00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:27,240
(horn honks)
285
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:28,840
Hi, thank you!
286
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,820
Silky mama got
one big titty
287
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,330
and one little titty,
288
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,150
and they call that bitch
"biggie smalls"!
289
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,950
Hit me three times, baby.
290
00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:45,330
He looks like
a broke-ass...
291
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,360
he looks like
a broke-ass...
292
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,400
he looks like
a broke-ass...
293
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:54,870
he looks like
a broke-ass...
294
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:58,340
sexual, broke, uh,
sexual chocolate.
295
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,510
Is that the word?
296
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,680
I wish you ill,
Ice T.
297
00:18:02,710 --> 00:18:04,740
That's right,
that's right.
20433
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