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00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:03,900
Chappelle's Show.
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Chappelle's Show.
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00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:07,370
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
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00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,100
Ow.
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00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,710
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
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00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:13,440
Whoo-hoo.
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00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,610
Yeah, yeah.
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Let's start
the show.
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(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
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00:00:26,490 --> 00:00:29,490
(cheers & applause)
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00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:35,560
Hey, man.
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00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,730
Welcome,
everybody.
13
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,070
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
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00:00:39,070 --> 00:00:40,800
I can't believe I'm still
on the air,
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00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,100
this is incredible.
16
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But I've been having fun
since the show came out, man.
17
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I've been going out to, like,
parties and stuff,
18
00:00:46,010 --> 00:00:47,740
feeling like a big shot.
19
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And I was out at a club,
I don't know if y'all knew this,
20
00:00:49,910 --> 00:00:53,380
did y'all know that Jay-Z
has a vodka out now?
21
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(man)
Yeah, Armadale.
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Yeah,
what's it called?
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Armadale!
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00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,420
Armadale,
for shizzle.
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Anyway...
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00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:03,790
Yes,
I didn't know that, man.
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00:01:03,790 --> 00:01:05,960
These rappers is getting
off the hook with it.
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00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,400
These guys are really
the new entrepreneurs, man.
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They got clothes,
they got vodkas.
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And then I stayed
home the other day,
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and you know, when you at home,
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you see commercials
you don't see in the daytime
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that you might see in
the nighttime?
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You're not going to
believe some of the commercials
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these guys got.
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I got 'em, I tape 'em,
here goes one right here.
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Hey, what's the matter?
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Pam, do you you have
anything sanitary?
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I'm all out
and my flow is heavy.
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Do I?
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Girl, I got something
that'll keep your flow
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motherfucking
tiz-ight!
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Motherfucking tiz-ight?
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What's up, ladies?
My name is Damon Dash,
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the CEO of Roc-A-Fella
Records,
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and Roc-A-Fella's about
to get all up in that ass...
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with Roca-pads.
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Roca-pads
is 30% more absorbent
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than the leading brand.
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So if your period is droppin',
then, we catch it,
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y'know what I mean?
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It's the Roc,
holler!
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You feeling
fresh now?
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Ooh, for shizzle,
my bizzle.
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What are you doing?
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What?
Nothing.
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(dash) So, if your bum is
leakin', you need to be seekin'...
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Roca-pads.
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It's the Roc.
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(cheers & applause)
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It's incredible...
it's incredible, man.
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I mean, these dudes are
into everything.
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Now, you think that
that's the worst of it?
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Check this one out.
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No, I'm serious,
look.
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(gasping)
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It's real shitty
down here.
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Oh, my... it's Redman.
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Hey, hey, where do you
get these stains from
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with your stinkin' ass?!
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It's just so hard
to keep my toilet white.
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Well, baby, that's why I got
the new toilet freshener.
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My shit
is da bomb, bitch.
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I'm telling you!
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Redman...
well, how does it work?
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Well, the motherfucker
works, like,
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spray it in the toilet,
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and the enzymes and shit
collaborate together,
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and make some kind of mixture
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and get all that shit,
you got celery and lima beans
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and corn and chicken bones
and shit in here.
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It was yummy going down.
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You need something,
why not call on your man?
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Holler!
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(announcer)
Redman Potty Fresh,
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the only toilet bowl cleaner
with enzymes and shit
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that collaborate together
to make some kind of mixture
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that gets your toilet bowl
sparkling white.
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You got those
awful stains out.
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Flush the toilet with
your pancake ass, bitch!
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Oops, sorry.
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(Redman) Hey, Redman Toilet
Freshener, I'll get the brown out.
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(dinging)
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I don't know if you guys watch
those old NFL films.
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They inspire me.
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And I think they should
also honor regular people
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the same way that they honor
these warriors of football.
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I want to honor the people
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who get booty under
tremendous circumstances.
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So, right now I present
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"Great Moments
In Hook-Up History."
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(narrator)
At the Areola 54 Bar and Grill,
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during the cold November
of 1999,
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23-year-old Martin Johnson
had but one thing on his mind:
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A piece of ass.
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That was
a big night for me.
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I'd been on an eight-week
losing streak, man.
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I needed to pull out
a win and I needed it then.
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I don't think so.
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After a night
he chalked up to bad calls,
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with time running out,
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Johnson had one last
fleeting stab at glory.
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(woman) Bartender, I
would like another drink.
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Ashley Evans,
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affectionately known throughout
the league as "Smashly" Evans,
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was putting
the finishing touches
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on a "newly single" party
with her friends...
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And I would like a man.
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When the bartender
took away her keys...
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00:05:01,060 --> 00:05:04,100
Can anybody take this drunk,
horny, crazy woman home?
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At that moment, Johnson
heard the eminent whistle
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from the train of destiny.
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(train whistle)
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As the pass went up,
Johnson sprung into action.
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00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:30,120
It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th
interception of the year,
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living up to his reputation
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as one of the bad boys
of the league.
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Johnson was crushed.
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But they say perseverance
is the hallmark of a champion,
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and Martin Johnson had it
in spades.
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After a night of bad calls,
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Johnson finally got a penalty
in his favor.
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Johnson
employed a trick play,
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one he hadn't used since
his high school days.
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00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,890
Hey, hey,
you forgot your scarf.
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00:05:57,890 --> 00:05:59,680
But it wasn't her scarf.
137
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,220
Young Ashley didn't even own
a scarf,
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but was
too drunk to realize it.
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00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,260
Will you take
me home?
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00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:06,880
Oh, yes, yes,
I will.
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00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,730
When opportunity and quick
thinking meet,
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the way
they did that fateful night...
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Good evening, sir.
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...that's a Great Moment
In Hook-Up History.
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(cheers & applause)
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Hey, guys, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
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How's this?
Go!
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(speaking in Arabic)
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00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,030
(thinking) Man, of all
the flights to be on,
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I gotta ride with them
terrorist sons of bitches.
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00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:51,380
I got my eye on you,
Al Qaeda.
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00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:56,440
(thinking) What are those
negroes doing in first class?
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Must be rappers.
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00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,980
I'd better keep
an eye on Sara.
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00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:07,260
(thinking) Me no trust-em white man.
157
00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:09,440
Me better not
go to bathroom.
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00:07:09,460 --> 00:07:11,160
White man will
steal my seat
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00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,760
and call it
"Manifest Destiny".
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00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,800
(snorting)
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("America the beautiful"
playing)
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You know,
I'm glad to see that...
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that there are so many different
kinds of people here.
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You guys
can't see at home...
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at home in the wide shot,
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00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:46,760
it just looks like a bunch
of black people, but it's not.
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It's a patchwork,
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a multl-ethnic,
multl-cultural patchwork.
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Now, America's the same way.
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And I know a lot of you
white people at home
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might've had a feeling,
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like, you have questions
for your black friends
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that you want to ask 'em,
but you're afraid to ask.
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00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:04,980
You don't want to alienate
yourself or, maybe,
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get beat the fuck up.
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00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,650
Well, I wanna promote
conversation and dialogue,
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so I went on the streets
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and gave people
the opportunity
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to ask all the questions
that made them so curious.
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00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,730
And I got comedian
Paul Mooney...
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00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:25,330
(audience)
Whoa!
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...to answer
these questions for 'em.
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00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,140
If you don't know
Paul Mooney,
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he was a...
he was a writer
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for Richard Pryor
for many years,
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00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:36,640
and some say one of the best
comedians working today.
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Well,
one thing's for damn sure,
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he's an unofficial
sociologist.
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Ladies and gentleman,
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it's time
for "Ask A Black Dude".
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Can black guys jump high?
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00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,600
Yeah, black people
can jump high.
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00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:57,870
You gotta jump,
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00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:01,370
gotta do something when you're
running from the police.
195
00:09:01,370 --> 00:09:04,400
(accented) I ask you, why
you walk like this, huh?
196
00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:07,010
All you, always,
all you black guy, why?
197
00:09:07,010 --> 00:09:09,610
(mimicking) Why you act
like a doo-det-det-det...
198
00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:11,340
black people walk like that
'cause we have style,
199
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:13,080
we got flavor, we got rhythm.
200
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,820
I mean, the black man
in America
201
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is the most copied
man on this planet, bar none.
202
00:09:18,690 --> 00:09:20,450
Everybody wanna be a nigger,
203
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,060
but nobody wanna be a nigger,
how about that question?
204
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:24,790
Carol Channing just admitted
she was a nigger,
205
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:27,390
the rest of 'em need to
break down and admit it too.
206
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,560
Yeah, why we black people
like to smoke so much weed?
207
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:30,860
Can you tell me why?
208
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:33,000
Well, I have a question
for that nigga.
209
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,770
Well, where are your teeth,
nigga?
210
00:09:34,770 --> 00:09:37,340
Black people
just like to party.
211
00:09:37,370 --> 00:09:39,520
They have that in their blood.
212
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,580
And sometimes they can go
overboard and it's real sad.
213
00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:43,880
And don't ask me about drugs,
214
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,610
ask Whitney and Bobby,
don't ask me that question.
215
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,750
(laughing)
216
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,190
"Everybody wanna be a nigger,
but no one wanna be a nigger."
217
00:09:58,190 --> 00:10:00,330
Oh, my God.
218
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,800
Nigger, I am gonna get
cancelled for sure.
219
00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:06,840
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break
220
00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:09,870
and we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
221
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,170
(cheers & applause)
222
00:10:15,510 --> 00:10:17,680
Ha-ha!
Go ahead!
223
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:25,950
Good evening and welcome to
inside Chappelle's Show studio.
224
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:28,520
We're here tonight
to celebrate the career
225
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,290
of a brilliant,
young man.
226
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:32,860
Comedian,
actor, artist, magician,
227
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:35,900
and, some would say,
228
00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:38,500
a smooth, pimped-out player
from the streets
229
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,100
that knows how to get his.
230
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,300
Please, welcome,
David Chappelle.
231
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,010
(applause)
232
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,380
Thank you.
233
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:55,020
It's overwhelming, I'm so used
to taping a comedy show.
234
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,180
This is...
this is incredible.
235
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,530
Thank you, William.
236
00:10:58,890 --> 00:11:00,650
You've done
over 74 films.
237
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,810
We'll cover what time
allows.
238
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:07,130
David, in 1987,
you burst onto the scene
239
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:08,900
with one of the most
auspicious debuts
240
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,170
in modern times.
241
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,370
I'm talking, of course,
about your portrayal
242
00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:13,650
of Private Jackson
243
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:16,270
in "Fighting Charlie
with Mr. Charlie".
244
00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:17,540
Yeah.
245
00:11:17,570 --> 00:11:21,010
(applause)
246
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,610
Thank you,
thank you.
247
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,950
Here it is, your breathtaking,
Oscar-nominated performance.
248
00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,990
(Chappelle)
Ahh...
249
00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:35,760
ahh... ow,
Little help!
250
00:11:35,790 --> 00:11:37,930
Ahh!
251
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,400
Damn, dog, what
took you so long?
252
00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:43,570
They got me, ahh!
253
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,730
Who you calling?
254
00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:47,900
Who that,
the police?
255
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,540
Tell 'em I got shot by some
Chinese gangsters.
256
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,240
I can describe 'em.
257
00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:54,410
Mmm, hello,
police?
258
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:55,710
(man)
Jackson!
259
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:57,040
Get out of here,
he's too far gone.
260
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,310
Word?
261
00:11:58,350 --> 00:11:59,650
It'll be all right,
soldier.
262
00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:02,250
You made America proud,
you're a damn hero, son.
263
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:04,820
Hey...
hey, you sneakin'.
264
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:06,990
You might as well just shoot
yourself in the stomach
265
00:12:06,990 --> 00:12:08,320
and come lay
down with me.
266
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,020
They're gonna see you.
267
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:13,490
I was sneakin'
the same way, Sarge.
268
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:15,660
Ahh!
269
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:19,570
Permission to carry out
one last mission, sir?
270
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,740
What is it, soldier?
271
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:25,210
Permission to die,
Sarge.
272
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,530
Permission granted.
273
00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:28,710
You report to heaven
at 0-800 hours,
274
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:30,440
and that's
an order, soldier.
275
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,050
I'll tell 'em,
"Uncle Sam sent me."
276
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,480
Why, God, why?!
277
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,090
Don't ask God...
ask Nixon.
278
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,560
Why, Nixon, why?!
279
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:46,460
Ow!
Death!
280
00:12:46,490 --> 00:12:49,930
I'd love some pussy
before I go, ahh...
281
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,530
(applause)
282
00:12:55,570 --> 00:12:56,900
After "Mr. Charlie",
283
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,070
you took what many considered
the role of a lifetime
284
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,810
when you played
the Duke of Yorkville
285
00:13:00,810 --> 00:13:02,940
in "Improper Inquisitions".
286
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:06,410
(applause)
287
00:13:06,450 --> 00:13:10,750
Let's take a look.
288
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,660
(British accent) My lady,
my lady, don't run from me.
289
00:13:14,690 --> 00:13:16,820
My lady... hey!
290
00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:19,430
My lord, I need to know,
291
00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:22,030
'twas there another
maiden in our bed?
292
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:23,770
Sayeth what?
293
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,240
It appears as though
my lady has been rummaging
294
00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:29,400
through my things...
295
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:35,910
and foundeth her...
her birthday present early.
296
00:13:36,340 --> 00:13:39,380
Yes, surprise!
297
00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:42,420
Lieth not,
my lord, I prithee.
298
00:13:42,850 --> 00:13:46,320
The last maiden that accused
me of lying,
299
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:51,090
I stuck my foot betwixt
her buttocks so ravagely...
300
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,390
Ahh!
301
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:58,900
That it broketh off and snappeth
as the twig doth snap!
302
00:13:58,930 --> 00:14:03,670
So, my lady,
I invite thee
303
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,140
to come and watch me
unsheath my sword
304
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:11,050
and swing it
and swing it upon thee!
305
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:12,780
Bringeth!
306
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:16,250
Ooh, oh, ow, oh...
307
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:22,320
Oh, oh... oh,
well...
308
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,060
Hmm...
309
00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:26,360
It seems as though
the boudoir,
310
00:14:26,660 --> 00:14:28,430
perhaps,
won't be necessary.
311
00:14:28,430 --> 00:14:31,000
I've soiled my pantaloon.
312
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,330
I'm going to get
a bowl of cereal.
313
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,240
You get some rest,
ta-ta.
314
00:14:34,470 --> 00:14:36,240
Bip-i-dee-bop...
Bip-i-dee-bop...
315
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,240
(applause)
316
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:40,980
Thank you.
317
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,710
David, I've spoken
to many actors
318
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:44,040
who have played
the physically challenged.
319
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:47,020
When Daniel Day-Lewis
saw your performance
320
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:49,680
in "Little Foot, Long Foot",
he threw up.
321
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,250
In the movie,
you played Stanley,
322
00:14:52,290 --> 00:14:54,890
a handicapped man with
a heart of gold.
323
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:57,020
It's visual poetry.
324
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:57,890
Thank you.
325
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,000
(Chappelle)
Short foot...
326
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,130
Long foot...
327
00:15:06,170 --> 00:15:09,600
Little foot...
328
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,770
Long foot...
329
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:13,070
Ahh!
330
00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:15,140
(man)
Sir, let me help you.
331
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:20,880
Ahh, get your damned hands
off of me!
332
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,480
But, sir,
the wet floor...
333
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,650
Shut up... oh!
334
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,160
Ahh!
335
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:39,970
I don't need
your damn pity.
336
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,000
Aah!
337
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,080
Ahh!
Hey, ahh, get away!
338
00:15:49,110 --> 00:15:50,840
Sir, I don't want you to
slip on my skateboard.
339
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:54,280
Shut your damn mouth,
you pothead!
340
00:15:54,320 --> 00:16:01,220
(audio in slow speed) Aah... aah... aah!
341
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:19,010
May I have
a double cheeseburger...
342
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,610
a large fry...
343
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:27,680
and something cold
to drink?
344
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,150
(applause)
345
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,600
And a cherry pie!
346
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:50,240
(applause continues)
347
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:52,410
And a milkshake!
348
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,610
Aah!
349
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:01,950
(applause)
350
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:05,420
Dave Chappelle,
thank you.
351
00:17:05,450 --> 00:17:06,750
Thank you,
thank you.
352
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:08,890
(applause)
353
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,660
(man) Chappelle's Show. Ow.
354
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:19,300
Ehoo!
355
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:23,200
Whoo, oh, snap!
What's up, dog?
356
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,670
If you let one drop hit
this motherfuckin' waverunner,
357
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,880
I'm a kick
your motherfuckin' ass.
358
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,010
Deborah?
359
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,610
Oh, girl,
I should shit on you.
360
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,820
Hey, when you're done,
close the motherfuckin' lid
361
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,950
'cause we got some business
we got to take care of,
362
00:17:37,950 --> 00:17:39,290
you know what I mean?
363
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:42,010
I should pee on y'all
like R. Kelly.
364
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,530
I would like to
thank my studio audience.
365
00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:51,650
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching the show.
366
00:17:53,130 --> 00:17:54,470
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
367
00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:55,340
(horn honks)
368
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:57,040
Hi,
thank you.
369
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,580
Roca-pads is 30
more absorbent
370
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,280
than
the leading brand...
371
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,450
I can't say that
(bleep).
372
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,220
"If your period
is droppin'...
373
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:10,970
(laughing)
we catch it."
374
00:18:11,350 --> 00:18:15,260
I can't say that sh...
Yo, let me see that...
375
00:18:15,290 --> 00:18:17,460
Roca-pads
is 30 more percent absorbent
376
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:18,760
than the leading
brand.
377
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,030
(man)
30% more.
378
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:21,360
I know how to read, man.
379
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,100
What the (bleep) is
wrong with you?
380
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,800
You're so
young, Jackson.
381
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,100
I'm only 19.
382
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:26,970
19?!
383
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,140
N-n-n-n-
nineteen.
384
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:31,320
Red, is my career
down there?
27154
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