Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Ow.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(cheers & applause)

Hey, man.

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

I can't believe I'm still on the air,

this is incredible.

But I've been having fun since the show came out, man.

I've been going out to, like, parties and stuff,

feeling like a big shot.

And I was out at a club, I don't know if y'all knew this,

did y'all know that Jay-Z has a vodka out now?

(man) Yeah, Armadale.

Yeah, what's it called?

Armadale!

Armadale, for shizzle.

Anyway...

Yes, I didn't know that, man.

These rappers is getting off the hook with it.

These guys are really the new entrepreneurs, man.

They got clothes, they got vodkas.

And then I stayed home the other day,

and you know, when you at home,

you see commercials you don't see in the daytime

that you might see in the nighttime?

You're not going to believe some of the commercials

these guys got.

I got 'em, I tape 'em, here goes one right here.

Hey, what's the matter?

Pam, do you you have anything sanitary?

I'm all out and my flow is heavy.

Do I?

Girl, I got something that'll keep your flow

motherfucking tiz-ight!

Motherfucking tiz-ight?

What's up, ladies? My name is Damon Dash,

the CEO of Roc-A-Fella Records,

and Roc-A-Fella's about to get all up in that ass...

with Roca-pads.

Roca-pads is 30% more absorbent

than the leading brand.

So if your period is droppin', then, we catch it,

y'know what I mean?

It's the Roc, holler!

You feeling fresh now?

Ooh, for shizzle, my bizzle.

What are you doing?

What? Nothing.

(dash) So, if your bum is leakin', you need to be seekin'...

Roca-pads.

It's the Roc.

(cheers & applause)

It's incredible... it's incredible, man.

I mean, these dudes are into everything.

Now, you think that that's the worst of it?

Check this one out.

No, I'm serious, look.

(gasping)

It's real shitty down here.

Oh, my... it's Redman.

Hey, hey, where do you get these stains from

with your stinkin' ass?!

It's just so hard to keep my toilet white.

Well, baby, that's why I got the new toilet freshener.

My shit is da bomb, bitch.

I'm telling you!

Redman... well, how does it work?

Well, the motherfucker works, like,

spray it in the toilet,

and the enzymes and shit collaborate together,

and make some kind of mixture

and get all that shit, you got celery and lima beans

and corn and chicken bones and shit in here.

It was yummy going down.

You need something, why not call on your man?

Holler!

(announcer) Redman Potty Fresh,

the only toilet bowl cleaner with enzymes and shit

that collaborate together to make some kind of mixture

that gets your toilet bowl sparkling white.

You got those awful stains out.

Flush the toilet with your pancake ass, bitch!

Oops, sorry.

(Redman) Hey, Redman Toilet Freshener, I'll get the brown out.

(dinging)

I don't know if you guys watch those old NFL films.

They inspire me.

And I think they should also honor regular people

the same way that they honor these warriors of football.

I want to honor the people

who get booty under tremendous circumstances.

So, right now I present

"Great Moments In Hook-Up History."

(narrator) At the Areola 54 Bar and Grill,

during the cold November of 1999,

23-year-old Martin Johnson had but one thing on his mind:

A piece of ass.

That was a big night for me.

I'd been on an eight-week losing streak, man.

I needed to pull out a win and I needed it then.

I don't think so.

After a night he chalked up to bad calls,

with time running out,

Johnson had one last fleeting stab at glory.

(woman) Bartender, I would like another drink.

Ashley Evans,

affectionately known throughout the league as "Smashly" Evans,

was putting the finishing touches

on a "newly single" party with her friends...

And I would like a man.

When the bartender took away her keys...

Can anybody take this drunk, horny, crazy woman home?

At that moment, Johnson heard the eminent whistle

from the train of destiny.

(train whistle)

As the pass went up, Johnson sprung into action.

It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th interception of the year,

living up to his reputation

as one of the bad boys of the league.

Johnson was crushed.

But they say perseverance is the hallmark of a champion,

and Martin Johnson had it in spades.

After a night of bad calls,

Johnson finally got a penalty in his favor.

Johnson employed a trick play,

one he hadn't used since his high school days.

Hey, hey, you forgot your scarf.

But it wasn't her scarf.

Young Ashley didn't even own a scarf,

but was too drunk to realize it.

Will you take me home?

Oh, yes, yes, I will.

When opportunity and quick thinking meet,

the way they did that fateful night...

Good evening, sir.

...that's a Great Moment In Hook-Up History.

(cheers & applause)

Hey, guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

How's this? Go!

(speaking in Arabic)

(thinking) Man, of all the flights to be on,

I gotta ride with them terrorist sons of bitches.

I got my eye on you, Al Qaeda.

(thinking) What are those negroes doing in first class?

Must be rappers.

I'd better keep an eye on Sara.

(thinking) Me no trust-em white man.

Me better not go to bathroom.

White man will steal my seat

and call it "Manifest Destiny".

(snorting)

("America the beautiful" playing)

You know, I'm glad to see that...

that there are so many different kinds of people here.

You guys can't see at home...

at home in the wide shot,

it just looks like a bunch of black people, but it's not.

It's a patchwork,

a multl-ethnic, multl-cultural patchwork.

Now, America's the same way.

And I know a lot of you white people at home

might've had a feeling,

like, you have questions for your black friends

that you want to ask 'em, but you're afraid to ask.

You don't want to alienate yourself or, maybe,

get beat the fuck up.

Well, I wanna promote conversation and dialogue,

so I went on the streets

and gave people the opportunity

to ask all the questions that made them so curious.

And I got comedian Paul Mooney...

(audience) Whoa!

...to answer these questions for 'em.

If you don't know Paul Mooney,

he was a... he was a writer

for Richard Pryor for many years,

and some say one of the best comedians working today.

Well, one thing's for damn sure,

he's an unofficial sociologist.

Ladies and gentleman,

it's time for "Ask A Black Dude".

Can black guys jump high?

Yeah, black people can jump high.

You gotta jump,

gotta do something when you're running from the police.

(accented) I ask you, why you walk like this, huh?

All you, always, all you black guy, why?

(mimicking) Why you act like a doo-det-det-det...

black people walk like that 'cause we have style,

we got flavor, we got rhythm.

I mean, the black man in America

is the most copied man on this planet, bar none.

Everybody wanna be a nigger,

but nobody wanna be a nigger, how about that question?

Carol Channing just admitted she was a nigger,

the rest of 'em need to break down and admit it too.

Yeah, why we black people like to smoke so much weed?

Can you tell me why?

Well, I have a question for that nigga.

Well, where are your teeth, nigga?

Black people just like to party.

They have that in their blood.

And sometimes they can go overboard and it's real sad.

And don't ask me about drugs,

ask Whitney and Bobby, don't ask me that question.

(laughing)

"Everybody wanna be a nigger, but no one wanna be a nigger."

Oh, my God.

Nigger, I am gonna get cancelled for sure.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break

and we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

(cheers & applause)

Ha-ha! Go ahead!

Good evening and welcome to inside Chappelle's Show studio.

We're here tonight to celebrate the career

of a brilliant, young man.

Comedian, actor, artist, magician,

and, some would say,

a smooth, pimped-out player from the streets

that knows how to get his.

Please, welcome, David Chappelle.

(applause)

Thank you.

It's overwhelming, I'm so used to taping a comedy show.

This is... this is incredible.

Thank you, William.

You've done over 74 films.

We'll cover what time allows.

David, in 1987, you burst onto the scene

with one of the most auspicious debuts

in modern times.

I'm talking, of course, about your portrayal

of Private Jackson

in "Fighting Charlie with Mr. Charlie".

Yeah.

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Here it is, your breathtaking, Oscar-nominated performance.

(Chappelle) Ahh...

ahh... ow, Little help!

Ahh!

Damn, dog, what took you so long?

They got me, ahh!

Who you calling?

Who that, the police?

Tell 'em I got shot by some Chinese gangsters.

I can describe 'em.

Mmm, hello, police?

(man) Jackson!

Get out of here, he's too far gone.

Word?

It'll be all right, soldier.

You made America proud, you're a damn hero, son.

Hey... hey, you sneakin'.

You might as well just shoot yourself in the stomach

and come lay down with me.

They're gonna see you.

I was sneakin' the same way, Sarge.

Ahh!

Permission to carry out one last mission, sir?

What is it, soldier?

Permission to die, Sarge.

Permission granted.

You report to heaven at 0-800 hours,

and that's an order, soldier.

I'll tell 'em, "Uncle Sam sent me."

Why, God, why?!

Don't ask God... ask Nixon.

Why, Nixon, why?!

Ow! Death!

I'd love some pussy before I go, ahh...

(applause)

After "Mr. Charlie",

you took what many considered the role of a lifetime

when you played the Duke of Yorkville

in "Improper Inquisitions".

(applause)

Let's take a look.

(British accent) My lady, my lady, don't run from me.

My lady... hey!

My lord, I need to know,

'twas there another maiden in our bed?

Sayeth what?

It appears as though my lady has been rummaging

through my things...

and foundeth her... her birthday present early.

Yes, surprise!

Lieth not, my lord, I prithee.

The last maiden that accused me of lying,

I stuck my foot betwixt her buttocks so ravagely...

Ahh!

That it broketh off and snappeth as the twig doth snap!

So, my lady, I invite thee

to come and watch me unsheath my sword

and swing it and swing it upon thee!

Bringeth!

Ooh, oh, ow, oh...

Oh, oh... oh, well...

Hmm...

It seems as though the boudoir,

perhaps, won't be necessary.

I've soiled my pantaloon.

I'm going to get a bowl of cereal.

You get some rest, ta-ta.

Bip-i-dee-bop... Bip-i-dee-bop...

(applause)

Thank you.

David, I've spoken to many actors

who have played the physically challenged.

When Daniel Day-Lewis saw your performance

in "Little Foot, Long Foot", he threw up.

In the movie, you played Stanley,

a handicapped man with a heart of gold.

It's visual poetry.

Thank you.

(Chappelle) Short foot...

Long foot...

Little foot...

Long foot...

Ahh!

(man) Sir, let me help you.

Ahh, get your damned hands off of me!

But, sir, the wet floor...

Shut up... oh!

Ahh!

I don't need your damn pity.

Aah!

Ahh! Hey, ahh, get away!

Sir, I don't want you to slip on my skateboard.

Shut your damn mouth, you pothead!

(audio in slow speed) Aah... aah... aah!

May I have a double cheeseburger...

a large fry...

and something cold to drink?

(applause)

And a cherry pie!

(applause continues)

And a milkshake!

Aah!

(applause)

Dave Chappelle, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

(applause)

(man) Chappelle's Show. Ow.

Ehoo!

Whoo, oh, snap! What's up, dog?

If you let one drop hit this motherfuckin' waverunner,

I'm a kick your motherfuckin' ass.

Deborah?

Oh, girl, I should shit on you.

Hey, when you're done, close the motherfuckin' lid

'cause we got some business we got to take care of,

you know what I mean?

I should pee on y'all like R. Kelly.

I would like to thank my studio audience.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching the show.

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

Roca-pads is 30 more absorbent

than the leading brand...

I can't say that (bleep).

"If your period is droppin'...

(laughing) we catch it."

I can't say that sh... Yo, let me see that...

Roca-pads is 30 more percent absorbent

than the leading brand.

(man) 30% more.

I know how to read, man.

What the (bleep) is wrong with you?

You're so young, Jackson.

I'm only 19.

19?!

N-n-n-n- nineteen.

Red, is my career down there?