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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:23,970 [action movie theme plays] 2 00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:29,420 ? Astro Blaster! ? 3 00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:32,260 ? And the Beavermen, aah ? 4 00:00:32,290 --> 00:00:34,190 [radio DJ] McCreary with the song of the summer, 5 00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:36,160 "Astro Blaster and the Beavermen." 6 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,860 Still playing at a theater near you. 7 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:39,860 Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man. 8 00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:42,330 That creepy old preacher guy looks like my stepmom. 9 00:00:42,370 --> 00:00:44,930 Sunday morning, Whispering Woody on Z-100. 10 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,800 Here all day. Can't do Hands Across America, 11 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,300 but that does not mean 12 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,640 that I can't hand you two tickets 13 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,340 to see Major Murder defend 14 00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:53,610 his intercontinental championship title. 15 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,370 Worldwide wrestling coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena 16 00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:56,810 - in New Jersey. - [bell dings] 17 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,550 The 100th caller wins. 18 00:00:58,580 --> 00:00:59,990 [singers] ? Rocking at the speed of light ? 19 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:03,860 ? The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ? 20 00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:08,660 ["I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz playing] 21 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,840 [line ringing] 22 00:01:19,870 --> 00:01:21,700 [phone rings] 23 00:01:23,070 --> 00:01:24,140 China Taste. 24 00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:25,740 Yes. Can I get, uh, 25 00:01:25,770 --> 00:01:27,480 some General Tso's chicken, please? 26 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:28,710 Sorry, no Tso's. 27 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,480 No Tso's? Did the chickens escape? 28 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,150 No, we're still doing breakfast for the next hour. 29 00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,750 - Breakfast? - [chair creaks] 30 00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:37,990 Then can I get two scrambled eggs? 31 00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:39,690 - Toast or fruit? - Ew. 32 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,520 Toast. Burn that fruit before somebody eats it on accident. 33 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,190 Absolutely no fruit. Anything else? 34 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,230 Can I get an orange juice? 35 00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,400 Never fruit, but somehow OJ's okay. 36 00:01:50,230 --> 00:01:51,940 Uh, and a pork roll, 37 00:01:51,970 --> 00:01:53,440 - egg and cheese. - [clanks] 38 00:01:53,470 --> 00:01:55,270 Bagel with cream cheese and any other cheese 39 00:01:55,310 --> 00:01:57,080 - you sees, please. - [scoffs] 40 00:01:57,110 --> 00:01:59,550 He's a poet and he didn't even know it. 41 00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:00,610 Anything else? 42 00:02:00,650 --> 00:02:01,910 Yes. 43 00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,720 Six and a half almond cookies 44 00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:05,810 and your hand in marriage. 45 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:12,060 Who is this? 46 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:15,120 Well, it's not Brian David. That guy's a pud. 47 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,300 He... he sure is. 48 00:02:18,330 --> 00:02:21,400 I haven't heard from you in a long time, Brian David. 49 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:23,370 - What are you doing? - Calling Melody Barnegat 50 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,530 and I'm making a Morton's jelly donut. 51 00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:27,240 Toaster oven or microwave? 52 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,940 I don't have a toaster oven or a microwave, Richie Rich. 53 00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,640 Jesus. Do you guys have a robot maid 54 00:02:32,670 --> 00:02:34,210 in your mansion, Miss Millionaire? 55 00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:36,980 Shut up. Did you really call to order all this food? 56 00:02:37,010 --> 00:02:38,610 No. 57 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,410 I was calling to talk to you. 58 00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:42,920 Oh, yeah? Why? 59 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,750 Uh... 60 00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:48,590 Was wondering... 61 00:02:49,860 --> 00:02:51,630 Do you wanna go to the movies with me today? 62 00:02:53,030 --> 00:02:54,960 You can-- You can totally say no. 63 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,030 Okay. 64 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,640 Uh, s-seriously? 65 00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:01,000 Mm-hmm. 66 00:03:01,710 --> 00:03:03,100 Uh, hold on one second. 67 00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:09,610 [breathes deeply] 68 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,080 Cool. 69 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,990 Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2. 70 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:16,050 Uh, because Tobe Hooper didn't direct? 71 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,760 - Who? - The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 72 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,460 He made the first Poltergeist even though most people think it was Spielberg. 73 00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:25,260 You sure know a lot about movies. 74 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:26,820 But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you 75 00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:28,430 because I'm supposed to go with my mom. 76 00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:29,860 Your mom? Why? 77 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,110 Oh, first one's like her favorite movie ever. 78 00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:35,170 She says it's because she likes ghost stories, 79 00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,510 but I know she's lying. 80 00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,040 Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist? 81 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,540 My aunt was drunk one night 82 00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:42,210 and she said that when my mom was in eighth grade, 83 00:03:42,250 --> 00:03:43,610 she went to the school dance with the guy 84 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,280 who plays the dad in Poltergeist. 85 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,950 So that's why she likes the movie so much. 86 00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:50,260 Oh, my gosh. She probably gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job. 87 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,020 I'd be so mad you said that right now 88 00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:56,230 if I wasn't so impressed you remember the guy's name. 89 00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:58,530 You sure know a lot about movies. 90 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,560 I know there's a movie you and me gotta go see 91 00:04:00,590 --> 00:04:01,930 that your mom will love. 92 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,630 "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 93 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,740 Remember when we were in the pool last summer? 94 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,340 Do you wanna touch 'em? 95 00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:15,480 Uh, you mean... 96 00:04:15,510 --> 00:04:18,150 [quietly] when I almost let you get to second? 97 00:04:18,180 --> 00:04:19,850 Well, yeah, 98 00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:22,350 but this was right before that. 99 00:04:22,390 --> 00:04:24,320 - [Melody] Marco. - [Brian] Polo. 100 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,320 - [Melody laughing] Marco. - [Brian laughing] Polo. 101 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,990 - [Melody] Marco. - [both laugh] 102 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,530 Why do you wear your shirt in the pool? 103 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,000 Because my tits are bigger than yours? 104 00:04:34,030 --> 00:04:38,170 You should take your shirt off in the pool, just one time. 105 00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:40,100 You should take your shirt off everywhere, 106 00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:41,270 - all the time. - [scoffs] 107 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,880 You're so funny. 108 00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:44,440 All short people are funny. 109 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:46,080 [radio playing] 110 00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:47,910 It's too loud. I'm reading. 111 00:04:47,940 --> 00:04:51,040 Mom, tell Brian David he's not short. 112 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,380 How about I tell him to get off my daughter instead? 113 00:04:53,420 --> 00:04:55,720 He's not on me. I'm on him. 114 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,750 Get off that boy or the only thing you'll be on is punishment. 115 00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:02,790 Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat? 116 00:05:03,490 --> 00:05:04,860 Bucklick. 117 00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:07,630 Holy shit! Your mom just called me a butt-lick! 118 00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:10,540 She said "Bucklick", with a K. 119 00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:13,070 - [Brian laughs] - It's-- it's a book series my mom loves 120 00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,910 about a wisecracking detective whose name is U.B. Bucklick. 121 00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:18,280 You be a butt-lick. 122 00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,410 - You be a butt-lick. - You be a butt-lick. 123 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,420 [laughing] You be a butt-lick. 124 00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:28,180 ?? 125 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:42,190 Do you wanna touch 'em? 126 00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:46,470 [cat yowls irritably] 127 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:48,240 I totally shoulda touched 'em. 128 00:05:48,270 --> 00:05:50,310 You totally shoulda. 129 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,910 It's, like, the biggest mistake I ever made. Shh. 130 00:05:53,950 --> 00:05:55,320 So why didn't you? 131 00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:57,610 Well, I wanted you to think I was a nice guy. 132 00:05:57,650 --> 00:05:59,580 I did think you were a nice guy 133 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,480 until you stopped calling me. 134 00:06:01,510 --> 00:06:04,780 Well, I'm calling you now because there's a Bucklick movie, 135 00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,750 and we totally gotta go see it together. 136 00:06:06,790 --> 00:06:09,290 No way. They made a Bucklick movie? 137 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,430 Ch'yeah, uh, 138 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:11,750 they-they showed a preview for it 139 00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:13,320 when I saw Top Gun. 140 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,370 It looks really funny, and it's playing in Atlantic. 141 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,500 Wait, then we gotta go. 142 00:06:18,530 --> 00:06:20,910 [speaking Chinese] 143 00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:22,040 [replies in Chinese] 144 00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:26,210 [quietly] Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick? 145 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,970 There's a 2:15 show. 146 00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:29,610 I can't do 2:15. I get off at 2:00 147 00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,510 and then I need to go home and shower before I go out 148 00:06:31,550 --> 00:06:32,950 because I smell like an egg roll. 149 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,710 Uh, we could go to the next show at 4:30. 150 00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:37,550 We could, couldn't we? 151 00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:39,780 We should, shouldn't we? 152 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,320 "Could", to "should". 153 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,460 Wow. You move fast. 154 00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:44,960 Except in the pool. 155 00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:46,560 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [chuckles] 156 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,190 - So, you wanna go? - [oven door clanks] 157 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,830 Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick. 158 00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:54,700 Sweet. Then I'll see you 159 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,070 at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat. 160 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,420 I'll see you at the 4:30 movie, Brian David. 161 00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:04,880 B-Bye. 162 00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:12,150 [exhales deeply] 163 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,520 There is a God. 164 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,560 [soft techno music playing] 165 00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:32,450 Off to get the new Starlog. 166 00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:35,780 It's kind of brisk out. 167 00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,310 A very unassuming day. 168 00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,650 Nothing fantastic happening. 169 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,760 ?? 170 00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,560 [Brian] Morning, Cookie. 171 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,830 [Cookie] Mr. B.D. 172 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:32,470 Uh, you on the schedule today? 173 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,960 Nope. I'm gonna go sit on the dock 174 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,340 and read the new Starlog, 175 00:08:35,370 --> 00:08:37,410 then I'm going to the movies. 176 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:38,880 Man, you and your movies. 177 00:08:40,180 --> 00:08:42,280 Shit's not real, you know. 178 00:08:42,310 --> 00:08:44,180 Like that movie E.T.? 179 00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:46,080 That never happened. 180 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,350 That movie Conan? 181 00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:49,910 Never happened. 182 00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:51,220 That movie Gandhi? 183 00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:53,380 Shit never happened. 184 00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:56,630 I'm pretty sure Gandhi happened. 185 00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:01,460 Well, that shit happened for three hours, 186 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:02,700 so I stopped watching it. 187 00:09:05,230 --> 00:09:07,600 You heard that new Run-D.M.C. album? 188 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,700 - Fresh. - Super fresh, right? 189 00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:11,610 Chilly most. 190 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,140 Gandhi definitely happened. 191 00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:14,480 It didn't happen! 192 00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:15,610 No, it definitely happened. 193 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:16,720 Star Wars did! 194 00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:31,700 [soft music playing] 195 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:39,140 May 25th, 1986. 196 00:09:39,170 --> 00:09:40,370 [seagull squawks] 197 00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:42,700 Today is a big day. 198 00:09:42,740 --> 00:09:45,680 I finally called Melody Barnegat 199 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,240 and invited her out to the movies. 200 00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:53,110 Why, you ask? [sighs] 201 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,760 One word. 202 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,450 Love. 203 00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:03,520 I got a 24-karat case of love. 204 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:09,030 [pop music playing] 205 00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:29,580 Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast! 206 00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,050 It's not for breakfast. 207 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,280 It's for you guys to bring to the movies. 208 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,090 - [pan clinks] - This is movie bacon? 209 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,090 It's cheaper than that rip-off candy counter, 210 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:41,460 and bacon's better for you than all that popcorn. 211 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,800 - [Brian] Hmm. - You're growing boys. 212 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,170 You need bacon to build big, strong hearts. 213 00:10:48,670 --> 00:10:50,740 [sings theme song] ? Coo roo coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ? 214 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:53,710 "Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie and this is my brother Doug." 215 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,380 - "How's it going, eh?" - [hums reply] 216 00:10:56,410 --> 00:10:59,450 - Is that my movie bacon? - Ah! Don't touch it yet. 217 00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:02,580 I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first. 218 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,660 Are we really gonna be 219 00:11:05,690 --> 00:11:07,730 sneaking around the movies all day? 220 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,150 I heard that Danny Banks got caught doing that last week 221 00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:11,760 and they banned him for life. 222 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,560 Danny Banks isn't as slick as us. 223 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,630 But Bucklick is rated R. 224 00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:18,660 We do not look old enough to get into a rated R movie. 225 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:19,730 We gotta... 226 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,160 because I called Melody Barnegat this morning 227 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,580 and told her we were going. 228 00:11:23,610 --> 00:11:26,170 You talked to Melody Barnegat this morning? 229 00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:28,410 Well, was that before or after the donut? 230 00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:30,480 Before. I asked her out. 231 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,110 She's coming to the 4:30 movie with us. 232 00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:35,110 You asked Melody Barnegat out on a movie date? 233 00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:36,820 - Brothers? - Brothers. 234 00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:40,190 - Do you care? - I don't care. 235 00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:41,450 But guess who will? 236 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,030 Melody Barnegat? 237 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:55,140 Merry Melody Barnegat? 238 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,800 Yes, Melody Barnegat. 239 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,840 Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny! 240 00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:00,340 She's a cheerleader. 241 00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:01,810 She's younger than us. 242 00:12:01,850 --> 00:12:03,650 By one grade, and she would've been in our class, 243 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,520 but she missed the cutoff date by a month 244 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,010 because her birthday is in November. 245 00:12:07,050 --> 00:12:08,890 Dude, you know when her birthday is? 246 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,120 Well, holy shit, Billy Idol. When is the white wedding? 247 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,130 What do you got against Melanie Barnegat, okay? 248 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,720 She's super sweet. 249 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,860 She's super short. 250 00:12:17,890 --> 00:12:19,220 She's not much shorter than me. 251 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,730 She's shorter than the Mets chance 252 00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:22,460 of making it to the playoffs this year. 253 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,030 - Oh, my God. - [Belly] I don't know, Burn. 254 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:26,470 Mets beat the Padres 5-4 last night. 255 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:29,130 Yeah, and the Padres beat the Mets 7-4 on Friday. 256 00:12:29,170 --> 00:12:30,480 What's your point, Bell? 257 00:12:30,510 --> 00:12:31,970 Yeah, but the way they're playing, 258 00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:33,650 they're saying the Mets could go all the way. 259 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,340 The Mets have as good of a chance 260 00:12:35,370 --> 00:12:37,080 of making it to the World Series 261 00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:40,820 as Bri does of making it with Midgety Barnegat. 262 00:12:40,850 --> 00:12:42,720 Melody Barnegat's not a midget. 263 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,320 She's fresh, and I'm gonna ask her out. 264 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:47,480 - You already did. - To the movies, but, 265 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,360 after we see Bucklick, I'm gonna... 266 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,190 ask her out, ask her out. 267 00:12:51,220 --> 00:12:52,520 Like, to go steady. [sighs] 268 00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:55,560 What? 269 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,560 Wha-- [stammers] 270 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,940 Why? 271 00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:01,270 Why? Because we made out in her pool last summer. 272 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,500 Yeah, one time! With your shirt on! 273 00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:07,440 And all you almost got was a little bit of titty. 274 00:13:07,470 --> 00:13:10,010 And very little, might I add, because she is... 275 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,340 fairly flat-chested. 276 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,380 Ch'yeah. She's not flat-chested. 277 00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:15,450 [Burny] Oh, so you're the expert now? 278 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:18,090 Look, Bri, baby, 279 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,690 I've gone with way more girls in the pool than you have, 280 00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:23,330 all right? With my shirt off. 281 00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:26,190 I've been thinking about asking Melody out all year. 282 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:28,730 She's really smart. She thinks I'm funny. 283 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,190 Oh, she can't be too smart if she thinks you're funny. 284 00:13:32,230 --> 00:13:35,440 Like washing your truck three times a day is some sign of intelligence. 285 00:13:35,470 --> 00:13:38,750 Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring the Truckster into this, okay? 286 00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:41,210 You can actually get inside of the Truckster, 287 00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,810 which is way more than you'll ever be able to do 288 00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,710 with Melody Barnegat. 289 00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:47,880 Bri, she's beneath you. 290 00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:50,090 I'm trying to get her on top of me. 291 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:52,820 For what? 292 00:13:52,850 --> 00:13:54,690 For sex, Burny! 293 00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:57,320 But-but you're-- you're the guy, Bri. 294 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,560 You get on top of her, right? 295 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,330 - I gotta teach him everything. - But I'm always laying down when I jerk off, 296 00:14:03,370 --> 00:14:05,100 - so I don't think I can bust a nut any other way. - Ew! 297 00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:06,730 Hey! Hey! Come on! 298 00:14:06,770 --> 00:14:10,140 You think I wanna hear about your nasty jerk-off techniques? 299 00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,140 No, I don't! 300 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,500 - The match... - Major Murder promo! 301 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:16,480 You gotta learn how to be a man, Bri. 302 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,180 Be a man like Major Murder. 303 00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:19,820 [theme song playing on TV] 304 00:14:19,850 --> 00:14:23,350 - Like Major Murder. - Yeah, like Major Murder. 305 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,120 Major Murder is not a man. 306 00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:28,120 He's a fictional character. 307 00:14:28,150 --> 00:14:29,860 He's got character. 308 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:31,690 Especially when he's in the ring kicking ass. 309 00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:34,530 [indistinct TV chatter] 310 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,360 Call the police, because there's gonna be a murder 311 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,470 in New Jersey, wrestling fans. 312 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:42,610 Coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena in East Rutherford, 313 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,270 the Master of Disaster himself, 314 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,040 the Savage Soldier, 315 00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:49,810 it's Major Murder! 316 00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,280 - Is this thing on? - Yes. 317 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:56,150 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 318 00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:58,550 - [Burny grunting] - Aw, hell, Mad Brad. 319 00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:02,190 You hearing me, Believer? 320 00:15:02,230 --> 00:15:05,220 Major Murder's got his orders to kick your ass. 321 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,600 So I'm gonna storm those cheeks 322 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:10,740 like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah! 323 00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:12,670 [Brad] Now, Major, it sounds to me 324 00:15:12,710 --> 00:15:14,730 like you intend on holding on 325 00:15:14,770 --> 00:15:18,040 to your intercontinental championship title. Is that right? 326 00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:19,280 If you gotta ask, 327 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,670 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 328 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,850 - [bike revs] - At ease, ya sleaze. 329 00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:30,490 Major Murder says 330 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,120 dis... missed! 331 00:15:34,530 --> 00:15:35,930 Well, there you have it. 332 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,990 Let's all be thankful that the Major fights 333 00:15:38,030 --> 00:15:40,160 for the side of these United States 334 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,900 and not those Soviets. 335 00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:44,430 Major Murder is bad to the bone! 336 00:15:44,470 --> 00:15:47,440 The guy literally rides a camouflage motorcycle, 337 00:15:47,470 --> 00:15:49,200 for God's sakes. 338 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,400 He would never be dating little Melody Barnegat. 339 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:52,900 You can bet your ass on that. 340 00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:56,180 Because she's a teenager and he's, like, 100 years old. 341 00:15:56,210 --> 00:15:58,280 You would never say that to his face, 342 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,740 'cause he'd put the Grip of Death on you. Huh. 343 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:03,050 [as Mad Brad] Even though he was 17 years old... 344 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,020 [normal voice] Burny O'Donnell still believed wrestling was real! 345 00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:08,120 - [all chuckle] - Yeah. 346 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,630 - Is wrestling not real? - Hey! 347 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:10,800 [Burny] Can you rip the grip? 348 00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:12,060 - Say wrestling's real! - Get off me! 349 00:16:12,090 --> 00:16:13,390 Say wrestling's real! 350 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,260 - [thuds] - Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'? 351 00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,070 - [thuds] - [grunting] 352 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:24,440 ["I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan playing] 353 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,830 [song continues] 354 00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:53,740 - [Burny] I ain't doin' it. - [Belly] Why not? 355 00:16:53,770 --> 00:16:55,940 [Burny] 'Cause the idea of everybody touching everybody's disgusting. 356 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:57,400 - [Brian scoffs] - [mumbles indistinct] 357 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,800 Burny mistakenly believed 358 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,570 "Everybody Touching Everybody's Disgusting" 359 00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:03,410 was the original name for Hands Across America. 360 00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:06,280 - [Belly] Brothers? - [Brian] No, Bells. I'm just mocking Burny 361 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,080 for being against Hands Across America. 362 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,050 - Ah, hands across my dick. - [laughs] 363 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,430 Can't believe they're not playing Poltergeist 2 here. 364 00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:16,020 Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be as good as Poltergeist 1. 365 00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:18,990 It's not "Poltergeist 1." It's still just Poltergeist. 366 00:17:19,030 --> 00:17:22,130 When they make a sequel, they don't suddenly stick a number on the first flick. 367 00:17:22,170 --> 00:17:25,800 Sometimes I wanna stick a power cable in your big mouth, 368 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,600 like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2. 369 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,000 I like how they killed Jaws better in Jaws 1. 370 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,010 Belly, it's just Jaws. 371 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,610 Unless we're talking Godfather 2, 372 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,710 Escape From the Planet of the Apes, or Empire, 373 00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:38,150 no sequel's ever as good as the original. 374 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,010 All right, well, as long as that creepy little chick's 375 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,480 coming back from Poltergeist 1, I'll be there. 376 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,220 [imitating character] "Cross over, children! 377 00:17:45,250 --> 00:17:47,690 All are welcome." 378 00:17:48,830 --> 00:17:50,160 Melody Barnegat's mom-- 379 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,230 Ooh! I'm so sorry. Um, Melody Barnegat's mom 380 00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:54,400 went to a dance with the dad from Poltergeist 381 00:17:54,430 --> 00:17:55,890 - when she was in eighth grade. - Oh, yeah. 382 00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:58,170 - I bet she jerked him off! - That's what I said. 383 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:01,070 Oh, then why did you ask her to come to the movies today? 384 00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:03,140 Melody's mom's not coming to the movies with us. 385 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,740 Not her mom. Melody. Why is she coming with us? 386 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,640 Because I like Melody Barnegat. 387 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,720 Ah, you don't know shit about women, Bri. 388 00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:12,310 - Oh, my God. - I do, right? 389 00:18:12,350 --> 00:18:13,920 And I know she's not the woman for you 390 00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:16,520 because she's not a woman at all. 391 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,810 She's a little girl. 392 00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:20,550 Melody Barnegat is not a little girl, Burny. 393 00:18:20,590 --> 00:18:22,720 - She's like a lady. - Ah, yeah. 394 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,660 Like the creepy lady from Poltergeist 1. 395 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,750 It's just Poltergeist! 396 00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:27,160 Who wants some more of Mom's bacon? 397 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,230 Put that away till we get inside, bacon bits. 398 00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:30,800 Oh, shit. Here comes the car. 399 00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:33,900 ["I Feel For You" continues] 400 00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:35,110 [car honks] 401 00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:47,450 That car blows. 402 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,550 No way! It's like a Batmobile. 403 00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,020 Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show. 404 00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,420 I read in Starlog, they said they're gonna make a new Batman movie. 405 00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:56,390 [scoffs] It'll flop. 406 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:58,960 Nobody's ever gonna pay to see a Batman movie. 407 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,540 What a disgusting town. 408 00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:06,470 [scoffs] 409 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,510 ["I Feel For You" continues] 410 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,140 Get someone out here and make sure 411 00:19:14,170 --> 00:19:16,750 none of these disgusting poors touches my Moviemobile. 412 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,210 Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh. 413 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,980 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, 414 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,820 where the movies come to play. 415 00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:27,950 When we get inside, remember, 416 00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:29,390 we're getting tickets for Astro Blaster 417 00:19:29,430 --> 00:19:30,890 because Bucklick and Dental School 418 00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:32,390 are both rated R. 419 00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:35,730 I can drive a car at 17 and join the army, 420 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,660 but I gotta wait till I'm 18 to see rated R movies. 421 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,500 Might as well live in Russia. 422 00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:43,470 [as Yakov Smirnoff] In Soviet Union, 423 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,980 you don't see R-rated movie. 424 00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,680 R-rated movie sees you. 425 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,780 "Ah, what a country!" 426 00:19:49,810 --> 00:19:51,140 [giggles] 427 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,350 I need new friends. 428 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,450 Hi. 429 00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:00,360 Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 430 00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:03,560 [dispenser clanks, whirs] 431 00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,660 Can I get, uh, one ticket 432 00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:11,770 to Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 433 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,270 [coins clink] 434 00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:16,700 - [sighs] - [dispenser clanks, whirs] 435 00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:21,610 - Hey, girl! - [coin clinks] 436 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,120 Can I get, uh, one ticket to, uh, 437 00:20:24,150 --> 00:20:26,350 - "Ass-blaster"? - [velcro ripping] 438 00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:30,350 'Cause, uh, you know, that's what the ladies call me. 439 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:32,050 [seductively] Ass-Blaster. 440 00:20:32,930 --> 00:20:35,660 [dispenser clanks, whirs] 441 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,690 [both hiss in pity] 442 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:44,660 She was playing hard to get. 443 00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,400 Okay. Um, we'll save seats. 444 00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:48,770 You get in line? 445 00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:51,570 - That look like it hurt. - She gave me a look. 446 00:20:54,010 --> 00:20:56,110 You can't give them cut-sies when they get back. 447 00:20:57,050 --> 00:20:59,150 What do you care? We're behind you. 448 00:20:59,180 --> 00:21:00,880 Well, I'll tell my dad. 449 00:21:00,910 --> 00:21:03,880 [mocking] Oh, you'll tell your dad. So what? 450 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,180 I don't care what you tell your dad, little kid. 451 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,420 - Dad. - Hmm? 452 00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:12,460 He showed me his privates. 453 00:21:13,460 --> 00:21:15,370 - He did what? - I-I-- 454 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:18,800 Have fun. Don't run. 455 00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:21,240 Have fun. Don't run. 456 00:21:21,270 --> 00:21:22,900 [mocking] "Have fun, don't run." 457 00:21:26,610 --> 00:21:27,740 Have fun. 458 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,480 [serenely] And I hope you die. 459 00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,390 Have fun. Don't run. 460 00:21:38,420 --> 00:21:40,520 You had to mess with Manager Mike. 461 00:21:40,550 --> 00:21:42,720 I'm not scared of that spaz. 462 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,250 Now if he sees us in Bucklick, 463 00:21:44,290 --> 00:21:46,590 he'll remember us as the guys from Astro Blaster 464 00:21:46,630 --> 00:21:48,960 - who made fun of him. - Oh, the "guys"? 465 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,730 You mean "the guy"? 'Cause you didn't say shit. 466 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,700 I'm trying to be incognito 467 00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,740 so we can sneak into the other movies all day 468 00:21:56,770 --> 00:21:58,410 - after we see this one. - Oh. Uh-huh, 469 00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,570 and how many times have you seen Astro Blaster? 470 00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:01,810 Fourteen times. 471 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,380 Oh. And you wonder why you don't get laid. 472 00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:06,910 I don't get laid 'cause I'm Catholic. 473 00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:09,490 I'm Catholic! That don't stop me from getting laid. 474 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,890 I even did it in the church basement one time. 475 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:15,220 [Brian] Is the church basement what you call your sphincter? 476 00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:16,790 [Burny] You're a sphincter. 477 00:22:20,870 --> 00:22:22,430 Uh, where is Bells? 478 00:22:22,460 --> 00:22:23,770 [tapping on glass] 479 00:22:28,210 --> 00:22:30,610 - Uh, what the hell? - I got thrown out. 480 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,940 - For what? - For being a little sex fiend. 481 00:22:34,670 --> 00:22:36,080 Are you with that pervert? 482 00:22:36,110 --> 00:22:38,910 Uh, I mean... 483 00:22:38,950 --> 00:22:40,990 - We go to the same school. - You're such a sellout. 484 00:22:41,020 --> 00:22:42,480 That pervert's our boy, Belly. 485 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,650 Well, your boy Belly's been bounced. 486 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:46,260 You wanna join him, be my guest. 487 00:22:46,290 --> 00:22:48,360 But keep the door closed. Don't let my AC out. 488 00:22:48,390 --> 00:22:51,960 [loudly] You touch my car, I call the cops! 489 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,160 [louder] You touch my car, 490 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:55,830 I call the cops! 491 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,270 You can't hear me? I can't hear you. 492 00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:02,000 I won. [scoffs] 493 00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:05,640 [muffled] Meet me out back. 494 00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,840 [muffled] Meet me out back. 495 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,010 Jesus. Meet me out back. 496 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,660 [sighs] All right. 497 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:22,390 Can you get me some Twizzlers? I'll go get Bells. 498 00:23:22,430 --> 00:23:23,690 Can I eat you one of your Twizzlers? 499 00:23:23,730 --> 00:23:26,060 [chuckles] You can eat this Twizzler. 500 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,300 Ah. S'up, Stank? 501 00:23:33,340 --> 00:23:36,040 - Oh, hey. S'up? How you doing? - Good. 502 00:23:36,070 --> 00:23:39,370 D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV couple of months ago? 503 00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:41,870 - Yeah. - Oh, man. 504 00:23:41,910 --> 00:23:43,480 I can't stop thinking about that movie. 505 00:23:43,510 --> 00:23:45,070 - It was crazy. - So good, right? 506 00:23:45,110 --> 00:23:47,510 I couldn't believe that Rocky lived. 507 00:23:47,550 --> 00:23:49,490 - Yeah. - E-even so, I was like, 508 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,380 "That movie's... [stammers] really hard to follow." 509 00:23:53,420 --> 00:23:56,330 You know, 'cause it's like, it was like you think he's gonna be dead 510 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,260 'cause he's all, like, bloody and stuff. 511 00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:00,390 Then he's just like... [sings fanfare] 512 00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:01,560 Just like... 513 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,700 - [imitates blow landing] - Whoa! 514 00:24:03,730 --> 00:24:05,570 And then-- But then the other guy was like... 515 00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,270 [imitates blow landing] And there's blood and all this spit. 516 00:24:08,310 --> 00:24:10,540 [imitates spit spraying] 517 00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:13,000 - Yeah. - And it all came out. 518 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,740 - [chuckles] - It-it was cool. 519 00:24:14,770 --> 00:24:16,670 Remember when the blonde guy... 520 00:24:16,710 --> 00:24:18,220 The Ru-- He's Russian. 521 00:24:18,250 --> 00:24:19,520 I don't know where he's from, 522 00:24:19,550 --> 00:24:21,750 but he-he's just like... [imitates punch] 523 00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:23,680 I don't think it matters where he's from. 524 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,750 [chuckles] A-and then-- 525 00:24:25,790 --> 00:24:29,360 and-and-and he just, like, punched him so hard. 526 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,860 - Remember that? - Yeah. It was the climax. 527 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,230 He climaxed? 528 00:24:33,270 --> 00:24:35,630 No, it was the climax of the film. 529 00:24:35,660 --> 00:24:38,300 Yeah, it was so cool. [chuckles] 530 00:24:38,340 --> 00:24:40,670 But I just thought it was kind of fake. 531 00:24:43,070 --> 00:24:44,700 [chuckles] 532 00:24:44,740 --> 00:24:46,240 What, for free? 533 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,150 You know I don't got any bread. 534 00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:51,110 Ah, but you got bacon. 535 00:24:58,020 --> 00:24:59,710 Did you see my new Stryper jacket? 536 00:24:59,750 --> 00:25:00,780 Oh, cool. 537 00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:02,390 - Rock on. - Yeah. 538 00:25:02,430 --> 00:25:04,920 Well, not-- No, actually. 539 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,600 Rock on without the horns, 'cause... 540 00:25:07,630 --> 00:25:09,870 - [taps thigh] - Hell is for pussies. 541 00:25:11,210 --> 00:25:13,500 It's for-- Heaven's where it's at. 542 00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:15,500 H-have you been saved? 543 00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:17,470 - What? - Have you been saved? 544 00:25:17,510 --> 00:25:19,310 - By Jesus? - [scoffs] 545 00:25:19,340 --> 00:25:21,240 No, by Tony Danza. 546 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,810 Yeah, by Jesus. 547 00:25:22,850 --> 00:25:26,110 Um, I-I guess. I'm an altar boy and I go to church. 548 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,010 Good for you. So I guess we'll be in heaven together, 549 00:25:29,050 --> 00:25:31,520 spitting down on all those heathens. 550 00:25:31,550 --> 00:25:33,020 - Yeah. - [both chuckle] 551 00:25:33,050 --> 00:25:35,330 You're not doing Hands Across America either? 552 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,190 - Nah, not this year. - Yeah. 553 00:25:37,220 --> 00:25:39,490 I asked a bunch of people, but, um... 554 00:25:39,530 --> 00:25:40,920 Yeah, I... 555 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,700 No one wanted to do it with me. 556 00:25:42,740 --> 00:25:46,160 They already had people that they were doing hands with, so... 557 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,310 I mean, I understand, 'cause it's kind of like 558 00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:50,670 you have to know somebody really well 559 00:25:50,710 --> 00:25:53,440 to, like, stand next to somebody 560 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,310 and, like, give them a hand job. 561 00:25:55,340 --> 00:25:58,610 But you know, just for bringing people together, 562 00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:00,690 it's, like, kind of a lot to ask, I guess. 563 00:26:05,650 --> 00:26:07,150 - Here we go. - Thanks. 564 00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:13,460 How many previews do you think we get? 565 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,020 It's always three. 566 00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:16,930 I hope we get The Fly. 567 00:26:18,540 --> 00:26:20,270 I hope we get Aliens and Labyrinth. 568 00:26:24,340 --> 00:26:26,070 [thoughtful music plays] 569 00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:32,680 [narrator] Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace, 570 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,790 and she is unlike any nun you've ever met. 571 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,920 - Hey, guys. - Hi. 572 00:26:39,950 --> 00:26:41,020 - Hi! - She's young. 573 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,220 - She's fun. - [laughs] 574 00:26:45,460 --> 00:26:47,520 [indistinct chatter] 575 00:26:50,100 --> 00:26:52,200 Yes! Yes! High five! 576 00:26:54,060 --> 00:26:56,270 And she's got a secret. 577 00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:02,910 They stole all the food for the orphans! 578 00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:04,180 What are we gonna do? 579 00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:07,080 [dramatic music] 580 00:27:07,110 --> 00:27:09,620 To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage, 581 00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:13,220 this naughty nun will develop 582 00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:15,360 some filthy habits. 583 00:27:15,390 --> 00:27:17,390 [saxophone music plays] 584 00:27:19,790 --> 00:27:22,030 [narrator speaking] 585 00:27:22,070 --> 00:27:25,270 How come the nuns were never secret hookers when we were in school? 586 00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:28,800 One time I pulled my pud to the thought of sex with Sister Anne. 587 00:27:28,830 --> 00:27:30,540 [breathes deeply] 588 00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:32,610 Was guilty as hell afterwards. 589 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,300 You're gonna burn, sinner. 590 00:27:34,340 --> 00:27:35,710 Hey, don't tell anybody I told you that. 591 00:27:35,740 --> 00:27:37,080 Who would I tell? 592 00:27:37,110 --> 00:27:39,310 You're out here swimming around in a toilet bowl. 593 00:27:39,340 --> 00:27:41,490 But you're a nun. Not a hooker! 594 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,450 Well, maybe God wants me to be both! 595 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,390 - [sax music resumes] - [narrator] A nun by day... 596 00:27:46,420 --> 00:27:48,460 Ready? Yeah! [laughing] 597 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,820 [narrator] ...and a hooker by night. 598 00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:53,290 Hey, Sister! 599 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,160 I got something for your poor box! 600 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,840 Let's see what's under that wig. 601 00:28:03,510 --> 00:28:05,380 - Oh, hell, no! - [knife clinks] 602 00:28:05,410 --> 00:28:06,780 - [screams] - [screams] 603 00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:09,310 - [narrator] Say a prayer for... - [laughing] 604 00:28:09,350 --> 00:28:12,310 [people clamoring] 605 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,350 [narrator speaking] 606 00:28:19,390 --> 00:28:20,480 Rated R. 607 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:22,920 We're definitely seeing that. 608 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,660 Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers 609 00:28:24,690 --> 00:28:25,790 when we were in school. 610 00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:27,160 Number one, I already said that. 611 00:28:27,190 --> 00:28:29,090 And number two, one time Burny jerked off 612 00:28:29,130 --> 00:28:30,430 thinking about sister Anne. 613 00:28:30,470 --> 00:28:31,660 - [laughs] - Dude! 614 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:34,240 [insects chirring] 615 00:28:34,270 --> 00:28:38,100 [uneasy music plays] 616 00:28:38,140 --> 00:28:41,040 [man breathing gruffly] 617 00:28:47,550 --> 00:28:49,760 [woman panting] 618 00:29:05,540 --> 00:29:07,400 - [blade plunges] - [man roars] 619 00:29:09,410 --> 00:29:11,540 "The Health Nut"? Huh. 620 00:29:11,580 --> 00:29:13,200 Get outta here with this shit. 621 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,140 Well, they banned it in Scandinavia. 622 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:17,510 That slasher isn't fit 623 00:29:17,540 --> 00:29:19,980 to wipe the blood off the blades of Leatherface, 624 00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:21,710 Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger. 625 00:29:21,750 --> 00:29:24,310 You haven't even seen the movie yet, Judge Wapner. 626 00:29:24,350 --> 00:29:26,380 I don't need to see the movie, 627 00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:28,360 'cause I'm the greatest horror movie expert 628 00:29:28,390 --> 00:29:29,860 you've ever met. 629 00:29:29,890 --> 00:29:31,230 Stupid piece of shit. 630 00:29:32,460 --> 00:29:35,060 Question for the expert. 631 00:29:35,100 --> 00:29:37,830 Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 632 00:29:37,870 --> 00:29:40,400 Leatherface, and Michael Myers? 633 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,040 My man, Jason Voorhees. 634 00:29:42,070 --> 00:29:44,000 [imitates buzzer] The correct answer to the question 635 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,110 "Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 636 00:29:46,140 --> 00:29:48,150 Leatherface, and Michael Myers?" is... 637 00:29:48,180 --> 00:29:49,740 the audience! 638 00:29:49,780 --> 00:29:51,410 - We all win. - [clicks] 639 00:29:52,910 --> 00:29:53,820 Idiot. 640 00:29:56,050 --> 00:29:59,750 [cheerful '80s music plays] 641 00:29:59,790 --> 00:30:00,790 [thuds] 642 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,450 Morning, gorgeous. 643 00:30:06,490 --> 00:30:09,100 Morning. What'cha havin'? The usual? 644 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:10,530 [loud sigh] 645 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,300 I gotta unload before I reload. [chuckles] 646 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,970 [sighs heavily] 647 00:30:24,110 --> 00:30:25,980 [horror movie music plays] 648 00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:27,640 - [zipper unzips] - [grunts] 649 00:30:29,420 --> 00:30:30,920 - [farts] - [groans] 650 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,220 [skittering] 651 00:30:36,250 --> 00:30:37,950 [repeated wet punches] 652 00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:39,220 Oh! 653 00:30:39,260 --> 00:30:40,560 [screams] Oh, my God! 654 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:41,790 Oh! 655 00:30:41,830 --> 00:30:45,500 [screaming] 656 00:30:45,540 --> 00:30:47,670 [urgent music plays] 657 00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:49,140 [thumping] 658 00:31:03,050 --> 00:31:04,650 [alien speech] 659 00:31:04,690 --> 00:31:05,920 [screams] 660 00:31:05,950 --> 00:31:07,290 [roars] 661 00:31:10,220 --> 00:31:12,960 So they crawl up your butt. 662 00:31:12,990 --> 00:31:15,230 Oh, Mr. Wizard over here. 663 00:31:16,230 --> 00:31:18,260 I can't believe this place is so empty. 664 00:31:18,300 --> 00:31:19,440 When did this come out? 665 00:31:19,470 --> 00:31:21,830 Astro Blaster? Back in March. 666 00:31:21,870 --> 00:31:24,600 Remember, we snuck into Highlander after we saw Astro Blaster? 667 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,700 I remember Burny missing half of Highlander 668 00:31:26,740 --> 00:31:29,170 because he was feeling up Susie Bukachyk the whole time. 669 00:31:29,210 --> 00:31:30,980 Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic, 670 00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,850 she only let me touch her left titty. 671 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,050 That's why he calls her the "Kurgan." 672 00:31:35,090 --> 00:31:36,280 Why? 673 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:37,720 [dramatic voice] "There can be only one!" 674 00:31:37,750 --> 00:31:39,150 - [laughs] - S... 675 00:31:39,180 --> 00:31:40,880 - Sorry. - It's starting. 676 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:42,490 [chuckles] 677 00:31:43,700 --> 00:31:45,730 ? Astro Blaster ? 678 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:47,160 ? And the Beavermen ? 679 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,600 ["Astro Blaster and the Beavermen" playing] 680 00:31:56,070 --> 00:31:58,700 ? Astro Blaster ? 681 00:31:58,740 --> 00:32:01,240 ? Friend to the Beavermen and the Beaverwomen ? 682 00:32:05,780 --> 00:32:07,490 [whispers] It's Jessica Court. 683 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,150 [Burny chuckles lightly] 684 00:32:09,180 --> 00:32:10,380 [whispers] Watch this. 685 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:13,020 [thuds] 686 00:32:13,050 --> 00:32:14,890 You got Burned. 687 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,220 Burny! 688 00:32:16,250 --> 00:32:17,690 Who the hell is this? 689 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,530 Oh, this is Burny. I graduated with his brother. 690 00:32:20,570 --> 00:32:22,830 Uh, Burny, this is Randi. 691 00:32:22,870 --> 00:32:25,830 - Where are you from, hon? - "Hon"? 692 00:32:25,870 --> 00:32:27,500 I'm from the Bay Area. 693 00:32:27,540 --> 00:32:29,030 Bay Avenue? 694 00:32:29,070 --> 00:32:30,370 San Francisco. 695 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:31,600 Oh, we met at school. 696 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:32,940 Ah. 697 00:32:32,970 --> 00:32:34,580 So, how's college? 698 00:32:34,610 --> 00:32:36,540 Is it all orgies in the dorms? 699 00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:38,380 Dorms? We don't live in the dorms. 700 00:32:38,420 --> 00:32:39,610 - My God. - Shh. 701 00:32:42,090 --> 00:32:44,750 I'm Damocles of the Beavermen, damn it! 702 00:32:44,790 --> 00:32:46,920 And that means one damn thing. 703 00:32:49,430 --> 00:32:50,960 I rule the beaver. 704 00:32:50,990 --> 00:32:52,490 You haven't seen this yet? 705 00:32:53,730 --> 00:32:55,060 No. Did you? 706 00:32:55,090 --> 00:32:57,260 Yeah. It's stupid. 707 00:32:57,290 --> 00:32:59,200 Like, stupid fun? 708 00:32:59,230 --> 00:33:01,710 Eh. Mm, it's not as stupid fun 709 00:33:01,740 --> 00:33:04,640 as you and me making out to Goonies. 710 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,240 Oh. And it was in the same theater. 711 00:33:07,270 --> 00:33:08,770 - Yeah. - Hmm. 712 00:33:08,810 --> 00:33:10,810 Maybe we should take a little walk down memory lane 713 00:33:10,850 --> 00:33:12,110 in the back row, huh? 714 00:33:12,150 --> 00:33:13,610 - No way. - [chuckles] 715 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,150 I'm here with Randi and Barbara. 716 00:33:15,190 --> 00:33:16,550 So? 717 00:33:16,580 --> 00:33:18,850 I'm here with Brian and Bells. Who gives a shit? 718 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,520 - You know you wanna. - [taps chair] 719 00:33:28,430 --> 00:33:30,560 - [whispers indistinctly] - [groans, mutters] 720 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:33,770 Excuse me. I'm gonna be, uh, just right back. 721 00:33:33,810 --> 00:33:35,300 You're just flat leaving us? 722 00:33:35,330 --> 00:33:37,140 Is there a Brian David here? 723 00:33:38,510 --> 00:33:40,980 - I'm looking for Brian David. - [audience shushes] 724 00:33:41,010 --> 00:33:44,170 Holy shit, I can't hear the movie! 725 00:33:44,210 --> 00:33:46,440 Eat shit, asshole! 726 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:47,780 - Brian David. - [audience clamors] 727 00:33:47,810 --> 00:33:50,410 Come see the manager in the lobby, ASAP. 728 00:33:50,450 --> 00:33:52,920 Brian David. Brian David. 729 00:33:52,950 --> 00:33:53,950 Should I go? 730 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:56,820 Godspeed. 731 00:33:58,730 --> 00:34:00,430 [chair rattles] 732 00:34:00,460 --> 00:34:03,130 I'm terrified by what's about to happen. 733 00:34:08,330 --> 00:34:10,630 Uh, I'm Brian David. 734 00:34:10,670 --> 00:34:13,010 So I'm on the phone with my Paramount rep. 735 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:14,340 That's Paramount Pictures, mind you. 736 00:34:14,380 --> 00:34:16,380 Godfather, Godfather Part II. 737 00:34:16,410 --> 00:34:18,650 And all of a sudden, the operator interrupts us 738 00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,210 with an emergency breakthrough 739 00:34:21,250 --> 00:34:22,420 from your mother. 740 00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,620 Mom, uh, w-what's wrong? 741 00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:30,150 You are giving this cat a bath when you get home tonight. 742 00:34:31,020 --> 00:34:34,360 You made an emergency breakthrough to tell me that? 743 00:34:34,390 --> 00:34:36,360 That's how filthy this cat is! 744 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,810 Cats are self-cleaning, Ma, and they hate water. 745 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,340 No, that's only in cartoons, Brian. 746 00:34:42,370 --> 00:34:46,880 Okay, I'll give the cat a bath when I get home, um, I promise. 747 00:34:46,910 --> 00:34:48,670 - But I gotta go. - Oh, okay! 748 00:34:48,710 --> 00:34:51,210 Big important man doesn't have time to talk 749 00:34:51,250 --> 00:34:53,840 to his mother who gave birth to him. 750 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,910 You know, I lost one before you and one after you. 751 00:34:56,950 --> 00:34:59,190 I can't really talk about my dead ghost siblings, Ma. 752 00:34:59,220 --> 00:35:01,190 The manager is waiting for his phone back. 753 00:35:01,230 --> 00:35:03,060 Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note 754 00:35:03,090 --> 00:35:04,650 from your cousin Allison, 755 00:35:04,690 --> 00:35:06,590 which just came in the mail today. 756 00:35:06,630 --> 00:35:08,900 I sent a wedding present to that dummy 757 00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:11,200 after she eloped with some twerp. 758 00:35:11,230 --> 00:35:12,760 Listen to this BS! 759 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:14,370 Pardon my French, Blessed Mother. 760 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,600 Listen to this. "Dear Aunt Grace, 761 00:35:16,630 --> 00:35:18,270 Thank you for the wedding present. 762 00:35:18,310 --> 00:35:20,780 We love the bed linens from Bradley's, 763 00:35:20,810 --> 00:35:22,380 but when we opened the package, 764 00:35:22,410 --> 00:35:25,250 there were two fitted sheets and no top sheet. 765 00:35:25,290 --> 00:35:28,880 It's a little hard to sleep between two fitted sheets, 766 00:35:28,910 --> 00:35:32,280 so we're gonna bring them back and get a correct set. 767 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:34,580 Thank you so much, Allison." 768 00:35:34,620 --> 00:35:36,460 [scoffs] "It's a little hard 769 00:35:36,490 --> 00:35:38,090 to sleep between two fitted sheets." 770 00:35:38,130 --> 00:35:39,460 Well, then don't get married! 771 00:35:39,490 --> 00:35:41,200 Ma, the manager's staring at me 772 00:35:41,230 --> 00:35:42,970 because, uh, we're tying up the phone. 773 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,030 Well, tell him to hold his horses. 774 00:35:45,070 --> 00:35:46,460 I'm not telling him that. 775 00:35:46,500 --> 00:35:48,800 You don't have to. I can hear her. 776 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,140 He can hear you, Ma. 777 00:35:51,180 --> 00:35:53,580 That means both of you can hear me when I say, 778 00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:55,410 "Get off the phone 779 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,210 or I'm ejecting you from the theater!" 780 00:35:58,240 --> 00:35:59,410 I gotta go, Ma. 781 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,120 Well, I love you, tiger. 782 00:36:01,150 --> 00:36:02,440 Okay, I'll see you tonight. 783 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,080 Oh, okay, Fonzie. 784 00:36:04,110 --> 00:36:06,380 Too cool to say "I love you" back to your mother? 785 00:36:06,420 --> 00:36:07,650 I'm in public, Ma. 786 00:36:07,690 --> 00:36:10,590 Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public 787 00:36:10,620 --> 00:36:12,160 bringing you into this world. 788 00:36:12,190 --> 00:36:14,770 Tell her you love her, Fonzie. 789 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,700 I love you. Goodbye, Ma. 790 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,770 Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin. 791 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:25,570 I don't care about your family ties, Alex P. Keaton. 792 00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:28,340 This isn't the party line where the action never stops 793 00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:31,110 for 89 cents a minute. This... 794 00:36:31,150 --> 00:36:33,020 is a business phone. 795 00:36:33,050 --> 00:36:36,350 And that business is show business, 796 00:36:36,380 --> 00:36:39,790 as in lights, camera, and action. 797 00:36:39,830 --> 00:36:41,990 - [phone rings] - Oh. See? 798 00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:43,820 People trying to call. 799 00:36:43,860 --> 00:36:46,000 Atlantic Cinemas, where the movies come to play. 800 00:36:46,030 --> 00:36:48,190 Manager Mike speaking. How can I help you? 801 00:36:48,230 --> 00:36:49,300 It's your mother again. 802 00:36:50,460 --> 00:36:52,200 - Hello? - You hung up. 803 00:36:52,230 --> 00:36:53,630 I thought we were done. 804 00:36:53,660 --> 00:36:55,010 Since when don't you wait 805 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,140 to hear me say "I love you too"? 806 00:36:57,170 --> 00:36:59,030 The manager was staring at me. 807 00:36:59,070 --> 00:37:01,110 You could be riding your bike home tonight 808 00:37:01,140 --> 00:37:02,940 and get run over by a bus. 809 00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:05,540 And as you die there in the gutter, you'd realize 810 00:37:05,580 --> 00:37:07,450 that you missed your last chance 811 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,320 to hear your only mother say "I love you." 812 00:37:10,350 --> 00:37:12,450 Ah-- I don't want that! 813 00:37:12,490 --> 00:37:14,460 You don't want what? Me to get hit by a bus 814 00:37:14,490 --> 00:37:17,360 or me to have regrets when I die from getting hit by a bus? 815 00:37:17,390 --> 00:37:19,360 Christopher Columbus! I don't even wanna think 816 00:37:19,390 --> 00:37:20,790 about you getting hit by a bus! 817 00:37:20,830 --> 00:37:22,730 Well, then why'd you say-- Can I go now? 818 00:37:22,770 --> 00:37:24,330 [sighs] How's the movie? 819 00:37:25,030 --> 00:37:28,200 I don't know! Because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 820 00:37:28,910 --> 00:37:30,070 Who's that? 821 00:37:30,110 --> 00:37:31,840 - Your son. - The short one? 822 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,510 - [gasps] - Oh, my God. 823 00:37:33,550 --> 00:37:36,740 Crumbs! You think he's not self-conscious enough already? 824 00:37:36,780 --> 00:37:39,020 - I thought he was at the movies. - He's there now. 825 00:37:39,050 --> 00:37:41,010 Ask him if the movie is any good. 826 00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:43,690 Your father wants to know if your movie's good or not. 827 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:45,420 I don't know, 828 00:37:45,460 --> 00:37:48,490 because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 829 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,320 Listen, I-I love you, but I gotta go. 830 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,260 I love you too, tiger. 831 00:37:53,300 --> 00:37:56,560 W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what about me? 832 00:37:56,590 --> 00:37:58,270 Yes, I love you too. 833 00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:00,170 Ah, not that. What does Igor say? 834 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,200 I'm in public, Dad. 835 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:03,770 What does Igor say? 836 00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:09,880 [as Igor] Good night, Master. 837 00:38:09,910 --> 00:38:10,950 [chuckles] 838 00:38:10,980 --> 00:38:12,780 [both laugh] 839 00:38:12,820 --> 00:38:14,450 I made him do the Igor. 840 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,120 You're not from around here, stranger. 841 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,790 Why, you don't even have buck teeth. 842 00:38:21,630 --> 00:38:23,520 Or a tail. 843 00:38:23,550 --> 00:38:25,260 I'm from Earth. 844 00:38:25,290 --> 00:38:26,690 You're from Earth? 845 00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:28,730 Yes. I'm Astro Blaster. 846 00:38:28,770 --> 00:38:30,190 Astro Blaster? 847 00:38:30,230 --> 00:38:33,360 Yeah. I'm the drummer in a Van Halen cover band. 848 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,740 [Burny panting] 849 00:38:39,270 --> 00:38:42,940 Man, my mom made an emergency breakthrough to talk about the cat. 850 00:38:42,970 --> 00:38:44,980 [scoffs] Can you believe that shit? 851 00:38:47,220 --> 00:38:48,910 I said, "can you believe that shit?" 852 00:38:51,110 --> 00:38:52,950 She called to tell me how she give the cat-- 853 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:55,880 Oh, my God, you guys-- 854 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:57,820 You guys were doing it right here? 855 00:38:57,850 --> 00:39:00,060 I-in front of Astro Blaster? 856 00:39:00,090 --> 00:39:02,900 - A-and the Beavermen? Oh! - [chair rattles] 857 00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:05,230 In a Van Halen cover band? 858 00:39:05,270 --> 00:39:07,670 Yes. It's a big deal. 859 00:39:07,710 --> 00:39:09,140 It's a big deal? 860 00:39:09,170 --> 00:39:11,300 Yeah, I just said that. 861 00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:12,970 You just said that. 862 00:39:13,010 --> 00:39:14,940 [chair rattles] 863 00:39:14,970 --> 00:39:17,070 Burny's having sex during the movie. 864 00:39:17,110 --> 00:39:18,980 The guy's got no respect for cinema. 865 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:22,310 Am I right, Bells? 866 00:39:23,650 --> 00:39:26,460 - Bells? - [snoring] 867 00:39:29,390 --> 00:39:31,790 - [grunting] - [chair rattling] 868 00:39:31,830 --> 00:39:34,800 [panting] 869 00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,730 [gulping] Mmm. 870 00:39:40,230 --> 00:39:43,540 [slurping] 871 00:39:45,340 --> 00:39:46,480 What'd I miss? 872 00:39:48,750 --> 00:39:49,680 Jesus. 873 00:39:52,810 --> 00:39:55,020 Here's the beef, okay? 874 00:39:55,650 --> 00:39:59,550 We've nearly depleted our entire strategic popcorn supply. 875 00:39:59,590 --> 00:40:00,890 Do you know what that means? 876 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:01,960 No. 877 00:40:01,990 --> 00:40:03,950 That means I have to call 878 00:40:03,990 --> 00:40:06,720 every theater in a ten-mile radius 879 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:08,460 offering crazy money 880 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,830 to buy their crappy popcorn, 881 00:40:10,860 --> 00:40:14,340 only to get laughed at and mocked by managers 882 00:40:14,370 --> 00:40:18,000 telling me I can't hack it in the movie biz. 883 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:21,140 But just when scuzzy old Strathmore Cinema-- 884 00:40:21,180 --> 00:40:23,980 the home of the cruddiest corn in the country-- is saying yes, 885 00:40:24,020 --> 00:40:26,920 and I am swallowing my pride 886 00:40:26,950 --> 00:40:28,990 to close a deal, 887 00:40:29,020 --> 00:40:30,180 all of a sudden... 888 00:40:33,060 --> 00:40:35,120 I get an emergency breakthrough. 889 00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,420 I'm really sorry about my mom. 890 00:40:37,460 --> 00:40:39,260 It's not your mom this time. 891 00:40:39,300 --> 00:40:41,660 Hey, hey. Have fun. Don't run. 892 00:40:41,700 --> 00:40:44,530 - Hello? - Hey, Brian, it's Melody. 893 00:40:44,570 --> 00:40:46,230 I'm sorry to call you like this. 894 00:40:46,260 --> 00:40:48,400 - Is something wrong? - A little. Um, 895 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,230 I can't go to the 4:30 movie with you 896 00:40:50,270 --> 00:40:52,240 because my mom says I gotta stay home for supper. 897 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:53,940 But she said I can go after I eat. 898 00:40:54,570 --> 00:40:55,740 Yeah? 899 00:40:55,780 --> 00:40:58,040 Okay, that's-- that's awesome, uh... 900 00:40:58,070 --> 00:40:59,780 Bucklick plays again at 7:15. 901 00:40:59,820 --> 00:41:03,320 I'll be there around 7:00, as soon as I'm done with dinner. 902 00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:04,920 You want me to bring you a pork chop? 903 00:41:04,950 --> 00:41:06,950 [lisping] "Pork chopsh and appleshaush. 904 00:41:06,980 --> 00:41:08,660 Isn't that shwell?" [chuckles] 905 00:41:10,490 --> 00:41:12,460 What? 906 00:41:12,490 --> 00:41:14,290 That's from The Brady Bunch. 907 00:41:14,330 --> 00:41:18,600 Wow. You sure know a lot about movies and TV shows. 908 00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,400 Hey, I'll see you "latey," Peter Brady. 909 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,800 Bye. [chuckles] 910 00:41:26,570 --> 00:41:28,710 Sorry. 911 00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,980 [imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce." 912 00:41:31,820 --> 00:41:32,850 God. 913 00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:38,420 Worst moment of your life was the day your mom found out 914 00:41:38,460 --> 00:41:40,950 she could make an emergency breakthrough. 915 00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:43,790 That wasn't my mom. That was Melody. 916 00:41:43,820 --> 00:41:45,960 She called you at the movies? 917 00:41:45,990 --> 00:41:48,260 [As Jessica Walters] "Oh, play Misty for me." 918 00:41:48,290 --> 00:41:50,560 She did tell me she can't come to the 4:30 movie. 919 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,170 Oh, yeah? Good. 920 00:41:52,210 --> 00:41:53,770 So she's coming to the 7:15 show. 921 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:56,240 What? Now she's coming to Dental School? 922 00:41:56,270 --> 00:41:58,410 There's gonna be a ton of titties in that movie, all right? 923 00:41:58,450 --> 00:42:00,170 I'm not trying to be looking at naked ladies 924 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,080 while I'm sitting next to a girl. 925 00:42:02,110 --> 00:42:05,140 Well, I was gonna say we could go to the 4:30 movie of Dental School, 926 00:42:05,180 --> 00:42:07,650 and then we all see Bucklick at 7:15. 927 00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:10,290 Why are we moving the schedule around 928 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,820 for Melody Barnegat? Hmm? [scoffs] 929 00:42:12,850 --> 00:42:15,380 We're supposed to be seeing movies today. 930 00:42:16,350 --> 00:42:18,790 You see a lot of this movie from behind Jessica Court 931 00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:20,350 - or what? - Okay. S-s-s-see, 932 00:42:20,390 --> 00:42:23,200 that's different, okay? That wasn't planned. 933 00:42:23,230 --> 00:42:25,700 That's what you'll say about the kid she's gonna have in nine months. 934 00:42:25,730 --> 00:42:28,870 Ch'yeah, right. I wore a rubber. 935 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:30,770 Who brings rubbers to the movies? 936 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,640 - I do. - Why? 937 00:42:32,670 --> 00:42:34,970 Because what if the movie sucks? 938 00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:37,710 You walk out. You don't pull out. 939 00:42:37,740 --> 00:42:39,680 If I'm wearing a rubber, 940 00:42:39,710 --> 00:42:41,590 why would I pull out? 941 00:42:46,090 --> 00:42:49,360 There's a damn force field around that damn fortress. 942 00:42:49,390 --> 00:42:51,060 We need to bail out now. 943 00:42:51,100 --> 00:42:52,990 I'm not coming, Damocles. 944 00:42:53,020 --> 00:42:54,570 What in the damn hell? 945 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:56,290 Look, we only got one shot at this, all right? 946 00:42:56,330 --> 00:42:58,000 So I'm gonna stay here and steer the ship. 947 00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,900 Damn it, man! Why? 948 00:42:59,930 --> 00:43:01,830 Back on Earth, I'm just a drummer 949 00:43:01,870 --> 00:43:03,870 in a Van Halen cover band, man. 950 00:43:03,910 --> 00:43:08,550 Okay, but here in space, I can be so much more, Damocles. 951 00:43:08,580 --> 00:43:10,810 I can be the kind of guy I always wanted to be. 952 00:43:10,850 --> 00:43:13,340 I can be the kind of guy they call a hero. 953 00:43:13,380 --> 00:43:17,420 Well, since you've made your damn mind up about it, 954 00:43:17,460 --> 00:43:21,080 then I, Damocles of the Beavermen, 955 00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,530 do hereby swear by the eternal Morning Wood 956 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,090 that you, Astro Blaster of Earth, 957 00:43:27,130 --> 00:43:31,530 are the bravest damn hero in the damn galaxy. 958 00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:34,710 Where I'm from, there's a name for people like that. 959 00:43:35,740 --> 00:43:37,140 They're called Americans. 960 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,710 Van Halen cover band! 961 00:43:41,750 --> 00:43:44,180 I'm gonna wake up Belly. The movie's almost over, 962 00:43:44,210 --> 00:43:46,880 so he's gotta go hide in the bathroom before the lights come up. 963 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:52,380 Get off my bacon! 964 00:43:52,420 --> 00:43:54,630 - Nobody's after your bacon. - [Brian sighs] 965 00:43:54,660 --> 00:43:56,960 Go hide in the bathroom, meet us in Dental School. 966 00:43:56,990 --> 00:43:58,760 But then I'll miss the end of the movie. 967 00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,360 So? You already slept through half of it anyways. 968 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:02,760 Now go. 969 00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,560 And don't let Manager Mike see you. 970 00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:08,300 Stealth. 971 00:44:11,230 --> 00:44:13,640 [chuckles] I love this part. Look. 972 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:17,440 A drummer always does it for the beaver. 973 00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:21,150 [flushing] 974 00:44:21,190 --> 00:44:22,480 [door opens] 975 00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:24,620 [indistinct chatter] 976 00:44:24,650 --> 00:44:26,450 [door creaks, closes] 977 00:44:39,830 --> 00:44:44,040 [chuckling] 978 00:44:52,150 --> 00:44:53,720 "Sex poo." 979 00:45:03,860 --> 00:45:05,260 [belt buckle jingling] 980 00:45:05,300 --> 00:45:07,790 [Belly gasping, panting] 981 00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:09,330 For the beaver! 982 00:45:09,370 --> 00:45:10,930 ? Astro Blaster! ? 983 00:45:10,970 --> 00:45:13,800 - [yells] Van Halen! - ? And the Beavermen, aah ? 984 00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:17,630 - [music continues] - Van Halen! Van Halen! 985 00:45:20,010 --> 00:45:22,410 Why do we always have to sit through these stupid credits? 986 00:45:23,580 --> 00:45:25,610 Remember when we saw Young Sherlock Holmes? 987 00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,850 And at the end of the credits they had one more scene? 988 00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,810 That was one in a million movies, 989 00:45:29,850 --> 00:45:31,320 and that flick flopped. 990 00:45:31,350 --> 00:45:33,020 So they're never gonna be doing an after-credits scene 991 00:45:33,050 --> 00:45:34,420 in a movie ever again. 992 00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:38,360 See? Waste of time. 993 00:45:41,270 --> 00:45:42,730 We're going for snacks? 994 00:45:42,770 --> 00:45:44,730 - What if Manager Mike sees us? - Screw that guy. 995 00:45:44,770 --> 00:45:46,660 He's probably porkin' the popcorn. 996 00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:49,540 Huh? Bopping your baloney in a public bathroom?! 997 00:45:49,570 --> 00:45:50,910 Open the door, Tommy. 998 00:45:50,940 --> 00:45:53,870 Mashing your monkey?! Noodling your nugget?! 999 00:45:53,910 --> 00:45:56,180 You are banned for life, playboy. 1000 00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:57,780 You disgust me! 1001 00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,520 Masturbating in a public area 1002 00:46:02,550 --> 00:46:05,190 is only fun for one person. 1003 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:07,390 Write that down, Philip. 1004 00:46:13,890 --> 00:46:15,770 [no audio] 1005 00:46:19,030 --> 00:46:20,430 [muffled] Meet me out back. 1006 00:46:22,470 --> 00:46:24,070 Meet me out back... 1007 00:46:24,110 --> 00:46:25,570 again. 1008 00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:33,210 Enjoy the movie. 1009 00:46:35,550 --> 00:46:36,940 Dick. 1010 00:46:36,980 --> 00:46:38,510 [scoffs] Hi. 1011 00:46:38,550 --> 00:46:40,960 Go away, little girl. This movie's rated R. 1012 00:46:41,730 --> 00:46:45,360 I know. I just wanted to ask a question. 1013 00:46:45,390 --> 00:46:47,090 Why are you talking to me? No one talks to me. 1014 00:46:47,130 --> 00:46:48,500 Yeah, b-but, I mean, but you-- 1015 00:46:48,530 --> 00:46:50,100 Is it awesome to work here? 1016 00:46:50,130 --> 00:46:53,200 Is it awesome to work here? No, it sucks to work here. 1017 00:46:53,230 --> 00:46:54,700 But you get to see all the movies. 1018 00:46:54,740 --> 00:46:57,300 Movies suck. This movie sucks. 1019 00:46:57,340 --> 00:46:59,110 Half the town and their mother is here. 1020 00:46:59,140 --> 00:47:01,910 Which is fine, 'cause Americans have no taste. 1021 00:47:01,950 --> 00:47:04,610 You know why? 'Cause Americans have no future. 1022 00:47:04,650 --> 00:47:06,440 America sucks. 1023 00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:09,580 Now, please, run along. Change your diaper. 1024 00:47:09,620 --> 00:47:11,990 - We don't have a future? [stammers] - What are you doing? 1025 00:47:12,020 --> 00:47:13,950 - Don't-- [stammers] - What's going on with your hands? 1026 00:47:13,980 --> 00:47:15,650 - Why do you think America sucks? - You're being really jumpy. 1027 00:47:15,690 --> 00:47:17,960 - Since-since when? - Why are you coming so close to me? 1028 00:47:17,990 --> 00:47:19,490 Haven't you even seen The Day After? 1029 00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:22,960 If Russia decides to nuke us, we're done. 1030 00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:26,400 Kaput. Kentucky fried chickens. [exhales] 1031 00:47:26,430 --> 00:47:28,800 And I actually welcome it. I say bring it. 1032 00:47:28,830 --> 00:47:32,480 Take me now, so I never have to see Dental School ever again. 1033 00:47:32,510 --> 00:47:33,840 You don't like Dental School? 1034 00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:35,580 I've never actually seen it. 1035 00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:37,910 I just hear it all day and night. 1036 00:47:37,950 --> 00:47:40,350 You're pulling your pud in public? 1037 00:47:40,380 --> 00:47:43,620 Public masturbation is only ever fun for one person 1038 00:47:43,650 --> 00:47:45,620 - at a time. - Shut up! 1039 00:47:48,820 --> 00:47:51,230 [dramatic music] 1040 00:47:53,690 --> 00:47:55,690 I mean, if Gorby gets a hot trigger finger, 1041 00:47:55,730 --> 00:47:58,500 we are Canadian bacon over here in America. 1042 00:47:58,540 --> 00:48:00,770 Just crushed. 1043 00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,840 Isn't there a shield or something? 1044 00:48:03,870 --> 00:48:06,200 [scoffs] A shield? 1045 00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:08,110 You know anything about Star Wars? 1046 00:48:08,140 --> 00:48:09,780 I know everything about Star Wars. 1047 00:48:09,810 --> 00:48:11,540 You do? So then you know everything 1048 00:48:11,580 --> 00:48:13,850 about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, 1049 00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:15,180 the Star Wars program? 1050 00:48:16,550 --> 00:48:19,820 Oh, um, what? I thought you meant-- 1051 00:48:19,850 --> 00:48:22,690 Oh, oh, you thought I meant that excruciating space opera. 1052 00:48:22,720 --> 00:48:25,720 No, thank you. You know, I thank our nonexistent God every day 1053 00:48:25,760 --> 00:48:28,160 that there will never be another Star Wars movie made. 1054 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,970 We're-- we're at the end of Star Wars. 1055 00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:33,830 You know what I mean? W-what would they do next? 1056 00:48:33,860 --> 00:48:36,910 Go back and start telling us episode one, two, and three? 1057 00:48:36,940 --> 00:48:38,340 Can you imagine if they were like, 1058 00:48:38,370 --> 00:48:40,140 "Let's break it up into little TV series"? 1059 00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:41,540 Pfft. Yeah, right! 1060 00:48:41,570 --> 00:48:44,540 I mean, you gotta be out of your mind. [laughs] 1061 00:48:44,580 --> 00:48:47,080 Like, "We wanna follow some side stories 1062 00:48:47,110 --> 00:48:48,680 of small characters." 1063 00:48:48,710 --> 00:48:50,890 Like, "Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing. 1064 00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:52,180 I wanna invest my time in that." 1065 00:48:52,220 --> 00:48:54,260 Get out of here! [laughs] 1066 00:48:54,290 --> 00:48:57,660 I don't care about that stuff! I don't even like Star Wars. 1067 00:48:57,690 --> 00:48:58,960 Gotta go! 1068 00:48:59,890 --> 00:49:01,260 What an asshole. 1069 00:49:01,290 --> 00:49:02,670 I need you to clean the men's room. 1070 00:49:02,700 --> 00:49:04,430 Somebody took a shit in a urinal. 1071 00:49:07,100 --> 00:49:09,040 "Somebody" or you, Mike? 1072 00:49:13,110 --> 00:49:14,940 - [panting] - Hmm... 1073 00:49:14,980 --> 00:49:16,410 [Burny chuckles] Oh. 1074 00:49:18,150 --> 00:49:20,280 Uh, what happened? I had him distracted. 1075 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:23,010 The place was packed. There's only one seat open. 1076 00:49:23,050 --> 00:49:27,020 Because of you and Melody, now we can't even see Dental School! 1077 00:49:27,060 --> 00:49:28,760 You don't hear Belly belly-aching. 1078 00:49:28,790 --> 00:49:29,960 Because Belly's an idiot. 1079 00:49:29,990 --> 00:49:31,520 No more bacon for Burny. 1080 00:49:31,550 --> 00:49:34,270 So? Do you think I give a shit? 1081 00:49:34,300 --> 00:49:35,760 [girl] Hey! 1082 00:49:35,790 --> 00:49:38,400 You just said "shit" in front of my little sister. 1083 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:39,700 She's only six. 1084 00:49:39,730 --> 00:49:41,030 [scoffs] 1085 00:49:41,070 --> 00:49:43,910 Get out of my face, four eyes. 1086 00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,040 Hey! What are you-- Let go of me! 1087 00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:49,440 - [girls screaming] - Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me! 1088 00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,140 - [girls screeching] - [Burny yelling] 1089 00:49:52,180 --> 00:49:54,780 Boys, boys, boys. 1090 00:49:54,820 --> 00:49:56,150 [tense music plays] 1091 00:49:56,180 --> 00:49:57,450 In the words of the tagline 1092 00:49:57,480 --> 00:49:59,250 from the Commando poster, 1093 00:49:59,290 --> 00:50:03,720 "Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay". 1094 00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:05,060 [chuckles] 1095 00:50:05,100 --> 00:50:07,760 What's wrong with you? Get out! Get-- get out! 1096 00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,000 [Brian grunts] 1097 00:50:09,030 --> 00:50:11,260 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1098 00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:13,570 [screams] Suck my left nut! 1099 00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:14,860 Not today. 1100 00:50:16,770 --> 00:50:19,110 - [door closes] - [yells furiously] 1101 00:50:20,940 --> 00:50:22,310 - [growls] - Burny, wait! 1102 00:50:22,340 --> 00:50:24,270 - [growls] - [footsteps tap] 1103 00:50:24,310 --> 00:50:26,480 Stop holding hands! 1104 00:50:26,510 --> 00:50:28,340 Where are you going? We gotta fix this! 1105 00:50:28,380 --> 00:50:29,620 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1106 00:50:29,650 --> 00:50:30,820 Because of you two, 1107 00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:32,490 I just got the shit kicked out of me 1108 00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:34,090 by three little girls. 1109 00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:35,960 Who cares? We just got banned for life! 1110 00:50:35,990 --> 00:50:37,660 Yeah. Like Danny Banks. 1111 00:50:37,690 --> 00:50:40,290 How am I supposed to take Melody to see Bucklick now? 1112 00:50:40,330 --> 00:50:42,460 Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody! 1113 00:50:42,490 --> 00:50:44,030 Man, this is all her fault! 1114 00:50:44,060 --> 00:50:46,430 How? She's not even here! 1115 00:50:46,470 --> 00:50:49,370 'Cause ever since you asked her to come to the movies with us, 1116 00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:51,470 we've been moving everything around for her, 1117 00:50:51,500 --> 00:50:52,940 and now we're banned for life. 1118 00:50:52,980 --> 00:50:55,310 [scoffs] We're banned because you picked a fight 1119 00:50:55,340 --> 00:50:56,770 - with a nine-year-old! - Bullshit! 1120 00:50:56,810 --> 00:50:59,440 We would be in that theater right now 1121 00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,180 watching Bucklick, 1122 00:51:01,210 --> 00:51:04,050 but you had to invite Melody! 1123 00:51:04,090 --> 00:51:05,960 Holy shit, what? What the hell 1124 00:51:05,990 --> 00:51:08,320 is your obsession with Melody Barnegat? 1125 00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:11,700 You're the one obsessed with Melody Barnegat! 1126 00:51:11,730 --> 00:51:13,720 We just gotta deal with it. 1127 00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:16,900 - Deal with what?! - That she's a goddamn sophomore! 1128 00:51:16,940 --> 00:51:19,460 Who cares? Big whoop! We're goddamn juniors! 1129 00:51:19,500 --> 00:51:22,060 But we're gonna be seniors in September, Bri. 1130 00:51:22,100 --> 00:51:25,000 And then you'll be all like, "Oh, Melody's a stupid junior. 1131 00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:28,570 - Doodly doodly doo!" - No, no, no. Don't-- Don't "doodly doo" me, okay? 1132 00:51:28,610 --> 00:51:30,050 You're the one that's trying to make out 1133 00:51:30,080 --> 00:51:31,740 with this little Ewok-looking bitch! 1134 00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:34,980 What are you doing? 1135 00:51:35,020 --> 00:51:36,150 What the hell are you doing? 1136 00:51:36,190 --> 00:51:38,850 - We're gonna fight. - Oh, yeah. 1137 00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:40,520 - We're gonna fight? - Yeah, we're gonna fight! 1138 00:51:40,550 --> 00:51:43,890 I'm tired of you making fun of Melody, okay? 1139 00:51:43,930 --> 00:51:45,660 So put up your dukes. 1140 00:51:45,700 --> 00:51:47,890 Put up my dukes. [laughs] 1141 00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:51,070 If I put up one of my dukes, I will kill you. 1142 00:51:51,100 --> 00:51:53,430 Come on, guys. Friends don't fight. 1143 00:51:53,470 --> 00:51:56,870 Friends?! You call this friendship? 1144 00:51:56,910 --> 00:51:59,040 He cares about his stupid truck 1145 00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:01,070 more than he cares about my feelings! 1146 00:52:02,270 --> 00:52:04,640 So let's go. Let's go! 1147 00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:06,980 Fight me. I dare you. 1148 00:52:08,950 --> 00:52:11,420 I don't fight midgets. 1149 00:52:11,450 --> 00:52:13,180 - [punch lands] - [onlookers shout] 1150 00:52:13,220 --> 00:52:15,020 [breathing shakily] 1151 00:52:15,050 --> 00:52:16,580 You do now. 1152 00:52:16,620 --> 00:52:19,360 - You stupid-- - [woman] Hey! 1153 00:52:19,390 --> 00:52:21,460 [Belly] Hey! Guys! Hey, hey! 1154 00:52:21,490 --> 00:52:23,790 Guys, stop it. Stop it! 1155 00:52:23,830 --> 00:52:26,060 - [grunting] - Stop! Stop, stop it! 1156 00:52:26,100 --> 00:52:27,370 Stop it! 1157 00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:30,270 Burny is not obsessed with Melody Barnegat. 1158 00:52:30,300 --> 00:52:31,530 Thank you, Bells. 1159 00:52:31,570 --> 00:52:32,740 He's threatened by her. 1160 00:52:32,770 --> 00:52:33,910 W-What? 1161 00:52:33,950 --> 00:52:35,270 Why the hell would I be threatened 1162 00:52:35,310 --> 00:52:36,900 by that little carpenter's dream? 1163 00:52:36,940 --> 00:52:38,910 She's as flat as a board and as easy to nail. 1164 00:52:38,950 --> 00:52:41,710 - No, she's not! - Knock it off. 1165 00:52:41,750 --> 00:52:43,810 Can't you see Brian idolizes you? 1166 00:52:43,850 --> 00:52:46,080 Idolize Burn Boy? Oh, I do not. 1167 00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:47,420 Oh, yes, you do. 1168 00:52:47,460 --> 00:52:49,090 You look up to him because he's confident, 1169 00:52:49,130 --> 00:52:50,550 which is something you can never be, 1170 00:52:50,590 --> 00:52:51,760 because you think you're too short. 1171 00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,060 He is too short. 1172 00:52:53,100 --> 00:52:54,390 He should be looking at the sky, 1173 00:52:54,430 --> 00:52:56,760 saying "Da plane! Da plane!" 1174 00:52:57,470 --> 00:52:59,170 - Do something! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1175 00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:00,660 Burny, you keep running down his dream 1176 00:53:00,700 --> 00:53:02,170 about dating Melody Barnegat, 1177 00:53:02,200 --> 00:53:03,340 all threatened by the girl, 1178 00:53:03,370 --> 00:53:04,930 just because Brian is in love with her. 1179 00:53:04,970 --> 00:53:07,470 Whoa, I never said I was in love with Melody Barnegat. 1180 00:53:07,500 --> 00:53:09,610 Uh, well, you are. 1181 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:11,250 You've been talking about her since last summer 1182 00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:13,120 'cause she makes you feel good about yourself. 1183 00:53:13,150 --> 00:53:15,020 She makes you forget that you think you're short. 1184 00:53:15,050 --> 00:53:16,610 He is short. He's a four-foot freak. 1185 00:53:16,650 --> 00:53:19,290 - Oh, and you're a control freak. - Yeah! 1186 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:21,260 So you're afraid Brian's gonna start spending 1187 00:53:21,290 --> 00:53:23,520 all his time with Melody instead of you. 1188 00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:25,290 Yeah, but you can't admit that to yourself 1189 00:53:25,330 --> 00:53:26,850 because you think being a man 1190 00:53:26,890 --> 00:53:28,660 means being tough like Major Murder. 1191 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:31,590 What's tougher than fighting your friend 1192 00:53:31,630 --> 00:53:32,860 over the woman you love? 1193 00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:36,810 I know you guys think I'm dumb or something, 1194 00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:38,700 but I am not dumb. 1195 00:53:38,740 --> 00:53:40,470 Okay, I just don't talk as much as the two of you 1196 00:53:40,510 --> 00:53:42,170 since you guys never shut the hell up! 1197 00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:44,280 Ah. 1198 00:53:44,310 --> 00:53:45,780 So that gives me a lot of time to listen, 1199 00:53:45,810 --> 00:53:48,790 and... in all the years I've been listening, 1200 00:53:48,820 --> 00:53:50,310 here's what I've learned. 1201 00:53:50,350 --> 00:53:51,980 You know movies. 1202 00:53:53,420 --> 00:53:54,950 You know women. 1203 00:53:54,990 --> 00:53:56,480 Yeah, I do. 1204 00:53:56,520 --> 00:53:58,390 But I know you guys 1205 00:53:58,430 --> 00:54:01,160 better than the two of you know yourselves. 1206 00:54:01,190 --> 00:54:05,670 So it's time for you to stop looking for Burny's approval on everything. 1207 00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:08,370 It's time for you to start letting Brian be his own man. 1208 00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:11,130 [scoffs] By all means. 1209 00:54:11,170 --> 00:54:13,540 And it's time both of you assholes apologize to me 1210 00:54:13,570 --> 00:54:15,210 for making fun of my mom's bacon 1211 00:54:15,250 --> 00:54:17,410 even though you ate the shit out of it all day! 1212 00:54:19,340 --> 00:54:20,250 You're right. 1213 00:54:34,060 --> 00:54:36,060 Eh... [scoffs] 1214 00:54:42,870 --> 00:54:45,200 Come on. Burny. 1215 00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,500 You're adults! 1216 00:54:46,540 --> 00:54:48,140 Stop touching each other! 1217 00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:53,110 [mellow pop music playing] 1218 00:55:20,140 --> 00:55:22,140 [music continues] 1219 00:55:31,020 --> 00:55:32,650 [vehicle approaching] 1220 00:55:39,860 --> 00:55:42,090 [motorcycle engine stops] 1221 00:56:00,020 --> 00:56:02,610 Hey-- hey, excuse me? Excuse me? 1222 00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,120 Oh, excuse me! 1223 00:56:04,150 --> 00:56:06,420 Holy shit, it is you! 1224 00:56:06,450 --> 00:56:07,990 You're-- you're Major Murder. 1225 00:56:08,720 --> 00:56:10,290 [in character] At ease, ya sleaze. 1226 00:56:10,330 --> 00:56:11,820 I-I-- I'm your biggest fan. I gotta be honest. 1227 00:56:11,850 --> 00:56:13,090 Um, I know all your fights. 1228 00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,690 That's a major thank you from Major Murder. 1229 00:56:15,730 --> 00:56:18,130 But, uh, I'm here to see someone really special. 1230 00:56:19,200 --> 00:56:21,300 [bird squawking] 1231 00:56:22,630 --> 00:56:24,640 Ahh. Is that your daughter? 1232 00:56:24,670 --> 00:56:26,940 [drops character] My daughter? It's my wife. 1233 00:56:26,980 --> 00:56:30,700 [stammers] I'm sorry, she just looks a lot younger than you... 1234 00:56:30,740 --> 00:56:32,180 That's depressing. 1235 00:56:32,220 --> 00:56:33,980 Do I really look that much older than her? 1236 00:56:34,010 --> 00:56:36,180 - Uh... - Just-- Must be all the steroids, 1237 00:56:36,210 --> 00:56:38,620 'cause Rosie and I went to high school together. 1238 00:56:38,660 --> 00:56:40,850 We started dating when I was a junior and she was a sophomore. 1239 00:56:40,890 --> 00:56:43,530 All my pals used to razz me about her being younger. 1240 00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:46,960 Ha. I-I'm sure you Major Murdered those guys, huh? 1241 00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,860 Actually, I just cried a lot. 1242 00:56:48,900 --> 00:56:51,000 I may not look like it now, but back in high school, 1243 00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:53,200 I was a very sensitive fat kid. 1244 00:56:53,240 --> 00:56:56,170 - Bullshit. - No, no, real shit. 1245 00:56:56,210 --> 00:56:57,700 You know, my name's Albert, 1246 00:56:57,740 --> 00:56:59,310 so I'd get called Fat Albert 1247 00:56:59,340 --> 00:57:01,310 because of the cartoon? [laughs] 1248 00:57:01,340 --> 00:57:02,870 Ah, Bill Cosby. 1249 00:57:02,910 --> 00:57:04,340 Now that's an American treasure. 1250 00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:06,050 [chuckles] Ah, 1251 00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:08,680 that man will always be beloved. 1252 00:57:08,710 --> 00:57:10,080 So you know, back in high school, 1253 00:57:10,110 --> 00:57:12,020 I was always very sensitive about my weight. 1254 00:57:12,050 --> 00:57:14,390 But Rosie... 1255 00:57:14,420 --> 00:57:16,560 she always made me forget I was fat. 1256 00:57:16,590 --> 00:57:18,690 She always made me feel like I was thin. 1257 00:57:18,730 --> 00:57:20,730 So you made her Mrs. Major Murder? 1258 00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:23,160 Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein. 1259 00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:25,660 Major Murder's real name is Albert Holstein? 1260 00:57:25,700 --> 00:57:28,760 Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein is a kind of cow? 1261 00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:30,200 So, uh, you know, 1262 00:57:30,230 --> 00:57:32,410 in high school, there was a lot of, uh, cow names. 1263 00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:34,740 - Cow names? - Yeah, like, 1264 00:57:34,780 --> 00:57:38,440 the Moo Man, you know, Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy. 1265 00:57:38,480 --> 00:57:39,880 You know, I'd get Hugh Heifer. 1266 00:57:41,090 --> 00:57:43,450 I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass. 1267 00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:45,510 I-I'd get Milky Tits. 1268 00:57:45,550 --> 00:57:47,390 Cow Pie. 1269 00:57:47,420 --> 00:57:50,420 Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty. 1270 00:57:50,460 --> 00:57:51,890 [Burny smacks lips] Ah. 1271 00:57:57,500 --> 00:57:59,670 - Hey. Thanks for being a fan. - [shakes hand] 1272 00:57:59,700 --> 00:58:02,170 And, uh, please don't tell anybody how I really talk. 1273 00:58:03,500 --> 00:58:05,140 Uh, or about the cow names. 1274 00:58:05,180 --> 00:58:08,810 [military music plays] 1275 00:58:11,340 --> 00:58:12,440 Yo, Major. 1276 00:58:14,150 --> 00:58:17,320 You gonna go storm those cheeks like it's Omaha Beach? 1277 00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,210 [in character] If you have to ask, 1278 00:58:19,250 --> 00:58:22,020 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 1279 00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:27,390 ?? 1280 00:58:27,430 --> 00:58:28,420 [chuckles] 1281 00:58:48,450 --> 00:58:49,690 [sighs deeply] 1282 00:58:54,850 --> 00:58:55,960 [lighter flicks] 1283 00:59:01,300 --> 00:59:02,490 [exhales] 1284 00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:12,370 What are you doing back here? 1285 00:59:12,410 --> 00:59:14,640 Your ass is banned. 1286 00:59:14,680 --> 00:59:16,710 Which means my life is pretty much over. 1287 00:59:18,850 --> 00:59:21,180 So I'm just thinking about hurling myself down the stairs. 1288 00:59:22,550 --> 00:59:24,250 Who are you, Father Karras? 1289 00:59:26,850 --> 00:59:28,790 Is that an Exorcist joke? 1290 00:59:28,830 --> 00:59:31,160 Well, it's not an Exorcist II: The Heretic joke. 1291 00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:32,830 I respect John Boorman too much. 1292 00:59:34,530 --> 00:59:36,030 You know who John Boorman is? 1293 00:59:38,030 --> 00:59:43,040 An�il nathrach orth bhais betha, do cheol d�anta. 1294 00:59:44,730 --> 00:59:46,170 Holy shit. 1295 00:59:51,940 --> 00:59:53,180 The Charm of Making. 1296 00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,480 You've seen Excalibur? 1297 00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:58,010 You think I make $3.05 an hour 1298 00:59:58,050 --> 00:59:59,910 because I can't get a real job? 1299 00:59:59,950 --> 01:00:01,980 Movies are my life, dude. 1300 01:00:02,020 --> 01:00:03,520 That's why you work here. 1301 01:00:03,560 --> 01:00:05,690 No. That's why I'm leaving here. 1302 01:00:05,730 --> 01:00:07,530 I'm moving to Providence next week. 1303 01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:08,900 What's in Providence? 1304 01:00:09,770 --> 01:00:12,230 I'm gonna the Rhode Island School of Design, 1305 01:00:12,270 --> 01:00:13,700 like Martha Coolidge. 1306 01:00:13,730 --> 01:00:16,330 Martha Coolidge, the director? 1307 01:00:16,370 --> 01:00:18,670 Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is? 1308 01:00:18,710 --> 01:00:20,670 Yeah. Movies are my life too. 1309 01:00:20,710 --> 01:00:22,250 Valley Girl is in my top ten. 1310 01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:24,070 That guy, Nic Cage, is a genius. 1311 01:00:24,110 --> 01:00:25,550 - Yeah. - Have you seen Birdy? 1312 01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,780 Oh, yeah, I've seen every Alan Parker film. 1313 01:00:27,810 --> 01:00:29,580 You know who Alan Parker is? 1314 01:00:29,620 --> 01:00:33,350 Duh. Fame and The Wall are so rad. 1315 01:00:33,380 --> 01:00:36,390 But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol. 1316 01:00:36,430 --> 01:00:38,180 I wanna be a director like her. 1317 01:00:38,220 --> 01:00:39,930 This is-- This is so cool, uh, 1318 01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:42,420 I've never met anyone who wanted to be a director before. 1319 01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:44,930 Sure you have. 1320 01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:46,230 Just look in the mirror. 1321 01:00:48,940 --> 01:00:49,840 Me? 1322 01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:52,810 A-a director? Nah. 1323 01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:54,640 I just-- I just love going to the movies. 1324 01:00:54,680 --> 01:00:56,750 Yeah, man, that's how it starts. 1325 01:00:58,570 --> 01:01:00,780 Most people come to movies to escape their lives, 1326 01:01:00,810 --> 01:01:02,920 but people like us, 1327 01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:06,610 we come here because movies make life make sense. 1328 01:01:07,860 --> 01:01:10,820 Out here, man, world's full of lies. 1329 01:01:11,690 --> 01:01:15,420 But in there, they tell the lie that tells the truth. 1330 01:01:15,460 --> 01:01:18,030 And the truth about you and me is we're filmmakers. 1331 01:01:20,100 --> 01:01:21,890 We just haven't made our films. 1332 01:01:21,930 --> 01:01:23,400 [exhales] 1333 01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:24,470 Yet. 1334 01:01:24,510 --> 01:01:26,530 [soft music plays] 1335 01:01:33,020 --> 01:01:34,680 [door locks] 1336 01:01:34,710 --> 01:01:35,720 "Yet." 1337 01:01:40,050 --> 01:01:43,060 [bright music playing] 1338 01:01:55,240 --> 01:01:56,370 Whoa. 1339 01:01:56,410 --> 01:02:02,340 [saxophone solo plays] 1340 01:02:03,910 --> 01:02:05,340 That girl's real, right? 1341 01:02:07,480 --> 01:02:08,540 Thanks. 1342 01:02:13,880 --> 01:02:15,950 Hi, Melody Barnegat. 1343 01:02:15,990 --> 01:02:17,860 Hi, Brian David. 1344 01:02:18,990 --> 01:02:20,520 You look... 1345 01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:22,160 resplendent. 1346 01:02:22,190 --> 01:02:25,560 "Resplendent"? Okay, Doctor Dictionary. 1347 01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:28,870 - Let's go see Bucklick. - Uh... 1348 01:02:29,840 --> 01:02:32,000 I-I don't think we can get in. 1349 01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:33,270 Because it's rated R? 1350 01:02:34,840 --> 01:02:36,950 Well, more because I got banned. 1351 01:02:38,080 --> 01:02:40,780 Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks? 1352 01:02:42,220 --> 01:02:43,340 Kinda. 1353 01:02:43,380 --> 01:02:45,050 So, how are we gonna see Bucklick? 1354 01:02:50,360 --> 01:02:51,550 I have an idea. 1355 01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:00,270 [door closes] 1356 01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:04,630 Huh. Strathmore Cinema City. 1357 01:03:05,570 --> 01:03:06,940 Give me a second. 1358 01:03:07,770 --> 01:03:08,780 Okay. 1359 01:03:12,810 --> 01:03:15,220 Excuse me, Manager Mike. 1360 01:03:15,250 --> 01:03:17,080 Oh, oh. 1361 01:03:17,110 --> 01:03:19,460 Little kid I just banned. Hi. 1362 01:03:19,490 --> 01:03:21,620 I wanted to ask you about that. 1363 01:03:21,650 --> 01:03:22,960 Mm-hmm? 1364 01:03:22,990 --> 01:03:26,290 I know me and my friends were obnoxious today. 1365 01:03:27,960 --> 01:03:31,130 But I stand here before you as a man... 1366 01:03:31,170 --> 01:03:32,730 Wow. 1367 01:03:32,770 --> 01:03:34,060 ...to beg you to lift the ban. 1368 01:03:34,100 --> 01:03:35,600 And why would I do that? 1369 01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:38,230 You see that girl? 1370 01:03:38,270 --> 01:03:40,240 - Yeah. - That's Melody Barnegat. 1371 01:03:42,010 --> 01:03:43,950 The raddest woman I ever met. 1372 01:03:45,440 --> 01:03:48,880 And last summer, I was too scared to ask her out. 1373 01:03:48,920 --> 01:03:52,250 But this morning, I invited her to the movies 1374 01:03:52,280 --> 01:03:55,220 at your theater, and... and she said "yes." 1375 01:03:55,260 --> 01:03:56,320 Congratulations. 1376 01:03:57,830 --> 01:03:59,620 This could be the greatest night of my life. 1377 01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:03,130 Please lift the ban this one time 1378 01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:04,790 so we can go to the movies. I mean, 1379 01:04:04,830 --> 01:04:07,770 it'd mean everything to me, and-and I'll do anything. 1380 01:04:07,810 --> 01:04:10,140 I'll-I'll even work here for free or-or something. 1381 01:04:11,540 --> 01:04:13,980 Please, sir. 1382 01:04:15,380 --> 01:04:16,540 What do you say? 1383 01:04:19,620 --> 01:04:21,410 Tsk. What do I say? 1384 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:24,510 Well, when you put it like that... 1385 01:04:24,550 --> 01:04:27,280 I say, Munchkins from the merry old land of Oz 1386 01:04:27,320 --> 01:04:29,120 belong on the movie screen, 1387 01:04:29,150 --> 01:04:31,690 not in my movie theater. 1388 01:04:34,230 --> 01:04:37,570 [laughs] 1389 01:04:37,600 --> 01:04:41,000 Hey. Hey, listen up, loser. 1390 01:04:41,040 --> 01:04:44,140 You know, you got a lot of balls calling this guy Munchkin 1391 01:04:44,170 --> 01:04:46,040 when you're short as shit yourself. 1392 01:04:46,070 --> 01:04:48,130 [onlookers gasp, laugh] 1393 01:04:48,170 --> 01:04:50,570 Wow. Tsk. Wow. 1394 01:04:52,140 --> 01:04:54,210 You remind me of my daughter. 1395 01:04:55,590 --> 01:04:58,850 I hate my daughter. 1396 01:04:58,890 --> 01:05:01,550 And you got a lot of nerve 1397 01:05:01,580 --> 01:05:04,160 talking to me like that, Minnie Mouse. 1398 01:05:04,190 --> 01:05:07,350 I'm in the movie business. I talk to studios. 1399 01:05:07,390 --> 01:05:10,630 So, you're just a little kid 1400 01:05:10,660 --> 01:05:14,370 who looks like a daughter that I can't stand. 1401 01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:15,860 So what do you know? 1402 01:05:17,010 --> 01:05:20,840 I know you don't know shit about the movie business. 1403 01:05:20,870 --> 01:05:22,980 Because if you did, you wouldn't act like such a poser 1404 01:05:23,020 --> 01:05:25,610 and drive around in your stupid-looking Moviemobile. 1405 01:05:26,240 --> 01:05:28,980 - Okay? - He's not a Munchkin. 1406 01:05:29,010 --> 01:05:30,880 He's a nice guy. 1407 01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:33,850 Something you don't understand at all because you are an asshole. 1408 01:05:33,890 --> 01:05:36,880 [laughter, applause] 1409 01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:42,730 Well, let me tell you something, little girl. 1410 01:05:42,770 --> 01:05:46,100 Now you're banned, for life too! 1411 01:05:46,130 --> 01:05:48,760 You and Bilbo Baggins here 1412 01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:51,940 are never getting inside my movie theater ever again. 1413 01:05:51,980 --> 01:05:55,700 - [patrons jeering] - Clap to that! Clap to that. 1414 01:05:57,240 --> 01:05:59,640 [outside horn honking] 1415 01:06:01,820 --> 01:06:06,120 [horn honking louder] 1416 01:06:10,330 --> 01:06:11,490 [yells] 1417 01:06:15,330 --> 01:06:16,700 Ahh! Oh, my God! 1418 01:06:16,730 --> 01:06:18,730 - [steam hissing] - Oh, my...! 1419 01:06:18,770 --> 01:06:22,860 Ahh! [yells] My Moviemobile! 1420 01:06:22,900 --> 01:06:24,240 No! 1421 01:06:25,230 --> 01:06:26,710 [yells louder] No! 1422 01:06:26,740 --> 01:06:27,910 - You okay? - Yeah. 1423 01:06:27,940 --> 01:06:29,540 - [Mike yelling] - Get inside. 1424 01:06:29,580 --> 01:06:31,540 But Burny just crashed his Truckster into the Moviemobile! 1425 01:06:31,580 --> 01:06:34,380 As a distraction so you guys can get inside. 1426 01:06:34,420 --> 01:06:36,320 So get inside. 1427 01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:47,200 Oh, this stupid car hit my truck! 1428 01:06:49,360 --> 01:06:52,790 I only had eight more payments on it! 1429 01:06:54,600 --> 01:06:55,960 Only eight! 1430 01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:59,310 Oh, my God! 1431 01:07:01,140 --> 01:07:04,570 Hey, Pat Benatar. This is a rated R movie. Can't come in here. 1432 01:07:04,610 --> 01:07:06,340 Some guy just crashed into the Moviemobile. 1433 01:07:06,380 --> 01:07:09,650 No way, really?! Ha ha! There is a God! 1434 01:07:09,690 --> 01:07:11,150 [both giggling] 1435 01:07:11,180 --> 01:07:14,180 Come here, yeah. [muttering] 1436 01:07:14,220 --> 01:07:16,990 Here! Sorry. Excuse me. 1437 01:07:17,020 --> 01:07:18,030 Excuse me. 1438 01:07:20,630 --> 01:07:22,160 Holy shit. 1439 01:07:22,200 --> 01:07:25,790 That was the most amazing thing I ever saw. 1440 01:07:25,830 --> 01:07:28,600 You totally tore that asshole a new asshole. 1441 01:07:28,630 --> 01:07:31,830 He deserves it. I hate bullies. 1442 01:07:34,140 --> 01:07:36,540 You're amazing. Melody Barnegat. 1443 01:07:41,750 --> 01:07:42,880 Took all day. 1444 01:07:43,820 --> 01:07:45,010 But here we are. 1445 01:07:49,930 --> 01:07:52,860 We're finally gonna see our 4:30 movie, 1446 01:07:52,900 --> 01:07:54,630 and nobody's gonna stop us. 1447 01:07:54,660 --> 01:07:55,890 Is that so? 1448 01:07:57,430 --> 01:07:58,800 Mom? 1449 01:07:58,840 --> 01:08:00,240 What the hell are you doing here? 1450 01:08:01,270 --> 01:08:02,800 We're here to see Astro Blaster. 1451 01:08:02,830 --> 01:08:04,570 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1452 01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:07,500 This isn't Astro Blaster. This is Bucklick, 1453 01:08:07,540 --> 01:08:09,370 and Bucklick is rated R. 1454 01:08:09,410 --> 01:08:12,180 Ooh, what are you doing here, Melody? 1455 01:08:12,210 --> 01:08:13,410 Bucklick is rated R. 1456 01:08:13,450 --> 01:08:15,010 She said she's gonna see Astro Blaster, 1457 01:08:15,040 --> 01:08:17,810 but she's sneaking into R- rated movies with this guy. 1458 01:08:17,850 --> 01:08:20,890 Oh, so much drama. We're supposed to be seeing a comedy. 1459 01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:23,550 - [stammers] - See, this is why I told you we should have gone home 1460 01:08:23,590 --> 01:08:25,390 when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing, but... 1461 01:08:27,470 --> 01:08:28,530 Wait a minute. 1462 01:08:29,560 --> 01:08:32,560 You came to see Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie? 1463 01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:34,600 You said you had to see it with me. 1464 01:08:34,630 --> 01:08:36,370 Okay, don't-don't turn this around, okay? 1465 01:08:36,400 --> 01:08:37,800 You're the one in trouble here, missy. 1466 01:08:39,270 --> 01:08:42,270 I will deal you after Bucklick. 1467 01:08:42,310 --> 01:08:44,710 Get the hell out of here before I call the manager and have you banned. 1468 01:08:44,750 --> 01:08:47,240 This is so unfair. 1469 01:08:47,280 --> 01:08:49,210 [sighs] Can you believe this? 1470 01:08:49,250 --> 01:08:51,080 I mean, it's kind of cute. 1471 01:08:52,450 --> 01:08:54,680 - Your mom looks pretty pissed. - She's pissed? 1472 01:08:54,720 --> 01:08:56,560 Well, I'm pissed too. Who does she think she is, 1473 01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:59,360 yelling at me in front of you and everybody in the theater? 1474 01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:01,860 She's the one trying to see Poltergeist 2 without me. 1475 01:09:01,900 --> 01:09:03,260 - [inhales] - What do you wanna do? 1476 01:09:03,300 --> 01:09:06,570 Have sex and get pregnant. That'll show her. 1477 01:09:06,600 --> 01:09:09,130 - If that's what you need... - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. 1478 01:09:09,170 --> 01:09:10,900 Yeah. Wait, are you sure? 1479 01:09:10,940 --> 01:09:12,910 [exhales] Let's go. 1480 01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:16,110 She treats me like I'm a baby. 1481 01:09:16,140 --> 01:09:17,940 I can't stand it. 1482 01:09:17,980 --> 01:09:20,880 Shouldn't we get you home so you don't get in trouble? 1483 01:09:20,920 --> 01:09:22,340 No, I'm already in trouble. 1484 01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:26,680 And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be grounded for the rest of my life. 1485 01:09:28,090 --> 01:09:29,080 [sighs] 1486 01:09:33,290 --> 01:09:35,120 So I might as well enjoy today. 1487 01:09:37,470 --> 01:09:38,530 Race you! 1488 01:09:39,460 --> 01:09:40,830 - [chuckles] - What? What? 1489 01:09:47,940 --> 01:09:50,210 [panting] 1490 01:09:51,120 --> 01:09:53,110 [Melody] Doesn't it feel great to run? 1491 01:09:55,380 --> 01:09:57,840 Says someone on cross country. 1492 01:09:57,880 --> 01:10:00,650 I think I'm having a heart attack. 1493 01:10:00,680 --> 01:10:03,190 [laughs] Raise your arms above your head. 1494 01:10:06,660 --> 01:10:07,660 Yeah. 1495 01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:16,400 You ever think about what you wanna be when you grow up, Brian David? 1496 01:10:18,300 --> 01:10:19,340 Sometimes. 1497 01:10:20,670 --> 01:10:22,640 What do you wanna be? 1498 01:10:24,470 --> 01:10:25,910 I wanna be a dean. 1499 01:10:27,480 --> 01:10:29,680 Like a dean at a college? 1500 01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,990 You wanna be the guy that's always giving 1501 01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,980 Animal House a hard time? 1502 01:10:35,020 --> 01:10:36,080 No. 1503 01:10:37,360 --> 01:10:39,120 I wanna be the girl that's always giving 1504 01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:40,690 Animal House a hard time. 1505 01:10:43,530 --> 01:10:46,570 I never knew anybody who wanted to be a dean. 1506 01:10:46,600 --> 01:10:47,670 That's so... 1507 01:10:49,170 --> 01:10:50,060 weird. 1508 01:10:52,010 --> 01:10:54,040 So what do you wanna do? 1509 01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:55,910 - Well... - And don't say me. 1510 01:11:01,950 --> 01:11:03,210 I wanna be a writer. 1511 01:11:04,280 --> 01:11:05,380 Well, I think. 1512 01:11:05,420 --> 01:11:07,020 I can see that. 1513 01:11:10,030 --> 01:11:11,650 I love to read the stuff you wrote 1514 01:11:11,690 --> 01:11:13,190 in my yearbook last summer. 1515 01:11:13,230 --> 01:11:14,490 [Brian chuckles] 1516 01:11:14,530 --> 01:11:16,330 - What? - You started out making fun 1517 01:11:16,360 --> 01:11:17,860 of what everybody else said. 1518 01:11:18,770 --> 01:11:20,430 You wrote... 1519 01:11:20,470 --> 01:11:22,400 - "Have a great summer." - [chuckles] 1520 01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:25,940 "See you over the summer. Summerly yours." 1521 01:11:26,900 --> 01:11:29,680 - And then I signed it "Summer." - [both laugh] 1522 01:11:29,710 --> 01:11:31,140 I was hysterical. 1523 01:11:34,550 --> 01:11:37,250 But then you filled a whole page 1524 01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:39,980 telling me how adorable I am. 1525 01:11:42,160 --> 01:11:44,760 And how I'm super nice and smart. 1526 01:11:48,490 --> 01:11:49,760 My mom read it. 1527 01:11:51,460 --> 01:11:53,060 And she said it was beautiful. 1528 01:11:56,000 --> 01:12:00,100 So, yeah, you're totally gonna be a writer someday. 1529 01:12:02,270 --> 01:12:03,170 Man. 1530 01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:06,710 I-- How do you-- 1531 01:12:06,740 --> 01:12:08,080 You're always so positive. 1532 01:12:09,090 --> 01:12:10,910 Not as much as I'm not negative. 1533 01:12:12,320 --> 01:12:14,720 Does anything make you sad? 1534 01:12:14,750 --> 01:12:17,090 Like, what about nuclear war? 1535 01:12:18,460 --> 01:12:20,900 If the Russians dropped the bomb on us today, 1536 01:12:20,930 --> 01:12:22,330 my mom can't ground me. 1537 01:12:24,270 --> 01:12:27,300 See, you do that. You're-- 1538 01:12:27,340 --> 01:12:28,800 You're all about the silver lining. 1539 01:12:30,100 --> 01:12:31,970 Like... 1540 01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:33,840 everything went wrong for me today. 1541 01:12:34,940 --> 01:12:38,680 But then you came along and made it all better. 1542 01:12:40,020 --> 01:12:42,280 If everything went right today, 1543 01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:44,310 you and me would be watching Bucklick. 1544 01:12:46,390 --> 01:12:48,390 But this is way better. 1545 01:12:50,190 --> 01:12:51,820 Or is it almost perfect? 1546 01:12:53,860 --> 01:12:54,790 Yeah? 1547 01:12:56,230 --> 01:12:57,220 Yeah. 1548 01:13:05,140 --> 01:13:06,170 Then... 1549 01:13:09,350 --> 01:13:12,770 Will you go out with me, Melody Barnegat? 1550 01:13:12,810 --> 01:13:15,310 We are out, Brian David. 1551 01:13:16,250 --> 01:13:17,850 I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend. 1552 01:13:17,890 --> 01:13:19,690 I know what you meant. 1553 01:13:24,160 --> 01:13:25,430 But I don't know. 1554 01:13:31,430 --> 01:13:32,670 Is it 'cause I'm short? 1555 01:13:33,530 --> 01:13:35,330 Jesus. 1556 01:13:35,370 --> 01:13:37,800 Would you stop with that shit? 1557 01:13:37,830 --> 01:13:40,500 I don't think of you as short. 1558 01:13:40,540 --> 01:13:42,100 Then what do you think of me as? 1559 01:13:44,050 --> 01:13:45,610 I think of you as... 1560 01:13:48,320 --> 01:13:50,750 the most interesting guy I ever met. 1561 01:13:53,950 --> 01:13:55,790 All this stuff you talk about. 1562 01:13:57,720 --> 01:13:59,590 The way you see the world. 1563 01:14:00,760 --> 01:14:02,560 What you wrote in my yearbook. 1564 01:14:06,560 --> 01:14:07,900 You always make me think. 1565 01:14:09,870 --> 01:14:11,100 And laugh. 1566 01:14:12,510 --> 01:14:15,210 And you're like the funniest person I know. 1567 01:14:15,240 --> 01:14:16,240 Yeah? 1568 01:14:19,980 --> 01:14:21,780 The only place you come up short... 1569 01:14:22,980 --> 01:14:25,310 is in how little you know about girls. 1570 01:14:26,790 --> 01:14:29,120 Because I was gonna let you get to second base 1571 01:14:29,160 --> 01:14:30,920 in my pool last summer... 1572 01:14:32,090 --> 01:14:34,120 and then I never heard from you again. 1573 01:14:35,620 --> 01:14:36,930 Until today. 1574 01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:38,590 Yeah, but I-I've been thinking about you 1575 01:14:38,630 --> 01:14:39,900 ever since that day. 1576 01:14:39,930 --> 01:14:42,430 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1577 01:14:44,270 --> 01:14:48,510 You really expect me to believe you thought about me for an entire year? 1578 01:14:49,510 --> 01:14:51,070 Or ever? 1579 01:14:56,010 --> 01:14:57,980 Oh, my God. Are you, like, pulling it out? 1580 01:15:02,620 --> 01:15:03,960 Is that a tape recorder? 1581 01:15:05,000 --> 01:15:07,090 It's a writing thing. 1582 01:15:08,030 --> 01:15:10,400 I read that real writers use a tape recorder 1583 01:15:10,430 --> 01:15:12,700 to help them organize important thoughts. 1584 01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:15,970 Important thoughts like this. 1585 01:15:17,310 --> 01:15:19,230 - [clicks] - Beatbox Bri, take one! 1586 01:15:19,270 --> 01:15:21,100 - Um... Shit, uh... - [beatboxing on tape] 1587 01:15:21,140 --> 01:15:23,110 - Hold on, um. - [tape fast-forwards] 1588 01:15:23,150 --> 01:15:24,170 I meant this. 1589 01:15:26,720 --> 01:15:29,240 [Brian on tape] I finally called Melody Barnegat 1590 01:15:29,280 --> 01:15:32,020 and invited her out to the movies. Why... 1591 01:15:33,190 --> 01:15:34,560 you ask? [sighs] 1592 01:15:35,220 --> 01:15:36,280 One word. 1593 01:15:37,650 --> 01:15:38,660 Love. 1594 01:15:40,730 --> 01:15:42,830 I got a 24-karat case of love. 1595 01:15:42,870 --> 01:15:43,800 [clicks] 1596 01:15:50,170 --> 01:15:52,640 You're, like, the coolest girl I ever met. 1597 01:15:55,680 --> 01:15:59,470 And all I wanna do is watch movies with you. 1598 01:16:03,980 --> 01:16:06,510 I wanna watch movies with you too. 1599 01:16:10,720 --> 01:16:13,350 [both laugh] 1600 01:16:19,430 --> 01:16:22,430 [pop music playing] 1601 01:16:36,120 --> 01:16:39,550 So does this... mean we're boyfriend-girlfriend now? 1602 01:16:42,390 --> 01:16:44,730 I hope so. 1603 01:16:44,760 --> 01:16:47,730 [Brian] Because if I was ever gonna make a movie about today, 1604 01:16:47,760 --> 01:16:49,600 that's how I'd want the movie to end. 1605 01:16:50,730 --> 01:16:54,030 [Melody] Yeah? You think today could ever be a movie? 1606 01:16:55,230 --> 01:16:56,760 [Brian] As long as there are end credits, 1607 01:16:56,800 --> 01:16:58,370 and a song, 1608 01:16:58,410 --> 01:17:00,040 today could totally be a movie. 1609 01:17:03,210 --> 01:17:06,810 ["24 Karat Case of Love" by Brendan McCreary playing] 1610 01:17:10,280 --> 01:17:12,280 [Brian and Melody chattering, laughing] 1611 01:17:46,950 --> 01:17:48,250 [song ends] 1612 01:17:49,260 --> 01:17:50,480 Yes or no? 1613 01:17:51,490 --> 01:17:53,630 - I say yes. - Why? 1614 01:17:53,660 --> 01:17:55,830 Because I can tell you really wanna do it. 1615 01:17:55,860 --> 01:17:57,230 But what if I'm not good at it? 1616 01:17:57,270 --> 01:17:58,730 Then I can teach you. 1617 01:17:58,760 --> 01:18:00,100 I have experience. 1618 01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:03,410 And I'm like... a virgin. 1619 01:18:03,440 --> 01:18:04,770 - [boys laughing] - [Burny] Yeah! 1620 01:18:04,800 --> 01:18:06,170 You got that right. 1621 01:18:06,210 --> 01:18:07,570 Are we live? 1622 01:18:07,610 --> 01:18:09,740 [Burny and Belly] Yeah! 1623 01:18:09,780 --> 01:18:11,940 - Miss Melody. - Sir Burny. 1624 01:18:11,980 --> 01:18:15,110 - So, did he go in yet? - [Burny] Hmm? 1625 01:18:15,150 --> 01:18:18,080 - He's hesitating. - [boys sigh] 1626 01:18:18,110 --> 01:18:19,850 You got this. You just-- 1627 01:18:19,890 --> 01:18:22,960 - You get in there and you do it. - We'll watch. 1628 01:18:22,990 --> 01:18:25,660 Well, I definitely can't do it with everybody watching me. 1629 01:18:25,690 --> 01:18:28,960 Yes, you can. You're full of BDE. 1630 01:18:29,000 --> 01:18:29,900 Hmm? 1631 01:18:31,630 --> 01:18:33,270 Brian David Energy. 1632 01:18:33,300 --> 01:18:34,530 [laughter] 1633 01:18:34,570 --> 01:18:36,760 [Burny] That's cute. 1634 01:18:36,800 --> 01:18:39,300 Come on, Bri, bubby. The sooner you get this over with, 1635 01:18:39,340 --> 01:18:41,510 the sooner we get to go to the diner where I have a pork roll, 1636 01:18:41,550 --> 01:18:43,340 egg and cheese with my name on it. Mm? 1637 01:18:43,370 --> 01:18:45,540 They can write "asshole" on a kaiser roll? 1638 01:18:45,580 --> 01:18:47,110 [Burny chuckles] 1639 01:18:47,150 --> 01:18:49,480 See, you're funny, but you're lucky, right? 1640 01:18:49,510 --> 01:18:51,680 You're lucky that I have as much respect as I do 1641 01:18:51,720 --> 01:18:53,610 for the lovely Miss Melody here. 1642 01:18:53,650 --> 01:18:56,660 Otherwise, I-I just might have to put the Grip of Death on you. 1643 01:18:56,690 --> 01:18:58,320 - Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling? - No! 1644 01:18:58,350 --> 01:18:59,960 - No. No, we're not. - We're not. 1645 01:19:00,000 --> 01:19:01,360 - No, we're not. We're not. - Nobody's wrestling, all right? 1646 01:19:01,400 --> 01:19:03,430 Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames. 1647 01:19:05,340 --> 01:19:06,840 You ready to do this? 1648 01:19:09,110 --> 01:19:10,540 I'm nervous. 1649 01:19:10,570 --> 01:19:11,840 [Burny] Jesus, Bri, 1650 01:19:11,870 --> 01:19:14,370 we're not talking about circumcision here. 1651 01:19:14,400 --> 01:19:16,910 You're just applying for a shitty job. 1652 01:19:16,950 --> 01:19:19,070 You go in there, you fill out the bullshit form, 1653 01:19:19,110 --> 01:19:21,580 you come out, we go eat. Right? 1654 01:19:24,880 --> 01:19:26,690 What do you think, babe? 1655 01:19:26,720 --> 01:19:28,710 Yeah, come on, babe. What do you think? 1656 01:19:28,750 --> 01:19:31,680 - Yeah. babe. - Mmm. Yeah, babe. What's up, babe? 1657 01:19:32,520 --> 01:19:33,800 Uh... 1658 01:19:39,300 --> 01:19:40,490 It can wait. 1659 01:19:40,530 --> 01:19:44,070 ["24 Karat Case of Love" resumes playing] 1660 01:22:43,150 --> 01:22:46,780 [saxophone solo] 1661 01:24:23,820 --> 01:24:30,220 [singer vocalizing] 1662 01:24:33,890 --> 01:24:35,530 [song fades] 1663 01:24:37,870 --> 01:24:40,860 [soft music playing] 1664 01:25:13,930 --> 01:25:15,140 [music fades] 1665 01:25:18,430 --> 01:25:20,910 [military music playing] 1666 01:25:20,940 --> 01:25:23,940 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas 1667 01:25:23,980 --> 01:25:25,940 where the movies come to-- 1668 01:25:25,980 --> 01:25:27,750 [laughing] I'm sorry! 1669 01:25:27,780 --> 01:25:29,450 - Want some? - I'm okay. 1670 01:25:29,490 --> 01:25:30,440 [laughs] 1671 01:25:30,480 --> 01:25:31,750 [lighter lid closes] 1672 01:25:31,790 --> 01:25:33,250 [crew] Resetting. We're rolling. 1673 01:25:35,460 --> 01:25:38,080 - [grunts] - [imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce." 1674 01:25:39,060 --> 01:25:40,050 God. 1675 01:25:41,430 --> 01:25:45,060 - [laughter] - [crew indistinct] 1676 01:25:46,170 --> 01:25:48,540 - [laughs] Ow. - Oh, sorry. 1677 01:25:48,570 --> 01:25:49,740 - No! - Ah! 1678 01:25:49,770 --> 01:25:50,800 [both yell] 1679 01:25:50,840 --> 01:25:52,240 [laughs] 1680 01:25:53,840 --> 01:25:55,100 Please suck it still. 1681 01:25:55,850 --> 01:25:58,800 You're pulling your pud in public? 1682 01:25:58,840 --> 01:26:01,080 - Can I try that one more time? - [laughs] 1683 01:26:01,110 --> 01:26:04,050 It's Major Murder! 1684 01:26:04,090 --> 01:26:05,720 - [engine sputters] - Whoa! 1685 01:26:05,750 --> 01:26:07,790 Is this thing on?! 1686 01:26:07,820 --> 01:26:11,120 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 1687 01:26:13,160 --> 01:26:15,120 [blows air with a squeak] Sorry. So sorry. 1688 01:26:15,160 --> 01:26:17,560 - [laughter] - And-and what would that be, Major? 1689 01:26:17,590 --> 01:26:18,800 [Major Murder] I forgot! 1690 01:26:18,830 --> 01:26:20,330 Yes, Virginia, 1691 01:26:20,370 --> 01:26:23,170 you'd be better off believing in Santa Claus 1692 01:26:23,200 --> 01:26:24,500 than that slam tam... 1693 01:26:24,530 --> 01:26:26,140 [speaks gibberish] 1694 01:26:26,170 --> 01:26:30,010 Because Shamwell is a sham! 1695 01:26:30,050 --> 01:26:31,800 - [huffs air] - [snort of laughter] 1696 01:26:31,840 --> 01:26:33,570 A man of few words but powerful words. 1697 01:26:33,610 --> 01:26:34,780 [Major Murder] That's enough. 1698 01:26:34,820 --> 01:26:36,880 Have fun. Don't run. 1699 01:26:38,150 --> 01:26:39,350 She's my ex. 1700 01:26:41,120 --> 01:26:43,580 Two hundred "Our Father's"! 1701 01:26:43,620 --> 01:26:46,090 A Morton's jelly donut. [scoffs] 1702 01:26:46,120 --> 01:26:48,190 Jesus Christ! 1703 01:26:48,230 --> 01:26:50,260 You like this? This is real too. 1704 01:26:50,290 --> 01:26:53,590 I got this from the President of the United States of-- 1705 01:26:53,630 --> 01:26:54,930 Look at these nuts. 1706 01:26:54,970 --> 01:26:56,810 Damn it, man! Why? 1707 01:26:56,840 --> 01:26:58,170 [Astro Blaster] Back on Earth... 1708 01:26:58,200 --> 01:27:00,300 [laughter] 1709 01:27:00,340 --> 01:27:02,770 One more time. Damn it, man! Why? 1710 01:27:02,800 --> 01:27:05,610 - Did you... get it in yet? - Hmm? 1711 01:27:05,640 --> 01:27:07,050 [Melody] Mm-mm. He's hesitating. 1712 01:27:07,080 --> 01:27:08,510 - [groans] - [man] Wait, what?! 1713 01:27:08,550 --> 01:27:10,380 - [laughter] - He cut straight to it, 1714 01:27:10,420 --> 01:27:11,420 - didn't he? - [Brian] Didn't you get-- 1715 01:27:13,390 --> 01:27:15,350 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1716 01:27:15,390 --> 01:27:18,490 - [Burny] Eat shit! - [laughing] Not today. 1717 01:27:18,520 --> 01:27:19,890 Who are you, Father Ka-rass? 1718 01:27:19,930 --> 01:27:21,220 Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass." 1719 01:27:21,260 --> 01:27:22,390 Karras. Blah. 1720 01:27:22,430 --> 01:27:24,400 I'm the leader of the beavers. 1721 01:27:24,440 --> 01:27:25,730 Nice. 1722 01:27:25,760 --> 01:27:28,370 - Yes, it is. - That's actually-- 1723 01:27:28,410 --> 01:27:30,900 I kind of consider myself the same thing, doing what I do. 1724 01:27:30,930 --> 01:27:33,210 - Is that right? Well... - Yeah. It's pretty-- 1725 01:27:33,240 --> 01:27:35,300 You got a lot of ladies here, huh? 1726 01:27:35,340 --> 01:27:36,440 No. 1727 01:27:37,410 --> 01:27:40,640 [Kevin Smith] Jesus Christ, fewer things in life could be more perfect than that. 1728 01:27:40,670 --> 01:27:42,180 Give it up for the boys! 1729 01:27:42,210 --> 01:27:45,950 [cheers and applause] 126759