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SouthParkNews.net
La Fabrique
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{\pub}{\pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch!
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00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:45,711
Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
4
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:50,800
You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
5
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,844
You're overreacting,
you stupid Swedish cow!
6
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,640
Then why the fuck
are you getting text messages
7
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,809
from some low-life hooker
on Thanksgiving?
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00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,145
God, shut up!
Shut up!
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00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,689
Where are my fucking pills?
10
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,276
Take more Vicodin, Tiger!
That'll help!
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00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,487
- Will you just listen to me?
- Listen to this!
12
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,907
You fucking whore!
13
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:19,495
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
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00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,040
I'm getting the fuck away from you!
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00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,962
Open the door, you motherfucker!
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00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,841
Chase after me in the car, Kenny!
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00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,427
- What are you {\*guys }doing?
- {\*Dude, }Check it out.
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00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:37,221
It's EA Sports
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox.
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00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,728
- Fuck you, cunt!
- Stop breaking through the window{\*, Kenny}!
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00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:45,187
I'm gonna crash!
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00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,862
Look what you did, you crazy bitch!
22
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:56,032
Serves you right, you cheating turd!
23
00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,245
- {\*Dude, }Was that a combo move?
- Yeah, {\*dude, }I fucked you up!
24
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,206
{\*Dude, }Here come the cops!
We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie!
25
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,959
I didn't know golf games
were this cool!
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00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,586
Yeah, {\*dude, }EA Sports
outdid themselves this time.
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00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,130
{\$CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL
AND PREVENTION}
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00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,135
I've gathered you together here
because you are the best minds
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00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:16,635
our country has to offer.
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00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,389
As you have all seen on the news,
our country is facing a major crisis.
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00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,100
And we need to find out
what's causing it. Why!
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00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,396
Why are rich successful men
suddenly going out
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00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,773
and trying to have sex
with lots of women.
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00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,152
Tiger Woods
was only the most prevalent,
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00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,779
but our data shows
that the numbers are growing.
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00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:37,115
David Letterman
and before that, Bill Clinton.
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00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,657
There is a pattern here{\*, people}.
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00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,911
Why would a man who's famous
and makes tons of money
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00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:45,415
use that to try and have sex
with lots of different women?
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00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,919
And these rich celebrities
have perfectly good wives at home!
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00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:52,213
Why would they even think
of sex with others?
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00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,339
Dammit.
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00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,175
I want answers.
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00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:59,929
We believe that it may be
an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
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00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:01,972
Sex a woo-hoo?
46
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,851
It's a new phenomena
we don't completely understand yet.
47
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:07,604
But it seems to make people...
different.
48
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:11,691
Of course, we {\*all }know the normal {\*healthy }male
thinks only of sex occasionally
49
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,318
and has no desire
for sex with multiple partners.
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00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,986
Of course.
51
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,447
- Definitely true.
- {\*Yes, }We all know that, go on.
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00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,283
But in the sex addict,
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00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:24,162
their {\*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts
of wanting more and more.
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00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,916
The mere sight of an attractive woman
can make him think about sex with her.
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00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,293
But what about love?
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00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:34,005
How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
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00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,801
What could be causing
this outbreak of sexual addiction?
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00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:41,429
It could be caused
by something in the water supply.
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00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,306
- Perhaps even by global warming.
- Or cooling.
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00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,519
If so, then the disease
could start to affect our children.
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00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,229
That does it.
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00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,192
I want health screenings
at all our nation's schools.
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00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:58,154
We need to find out if {\*any }young people
might be carrying this disease.
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00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,366
Good afternoon, students.
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00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,034
We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
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00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,496
It won't take long,
and will be relatively painless,
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00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,707
but we need to see
if any students are showing symptoms.
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00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,835
In a moment, I am going
to show you a suggestive picture,
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00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,922
and {\*then }I am going to ask you a question
about the picture.
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00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:18,549
All right. Ready?
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00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,717
Here we go.
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00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:22,928
What?
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00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,556
Jesus, dude.
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00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,976
Holy Moly.
What's that, between the lady's legs?
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00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,059
It's all bushy!
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00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:32,063
Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
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00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,732
I'll then ask a question
which you'll answer on the paper{\* provided}.
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00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,860
I've never seen that part of a lady!
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00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,612
Do they all got a hedge like that?
Do they?
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00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,905
Okay, very good.
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00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,533
Now, what color...
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00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,036
was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand?
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00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,665
Write down your answer, please.
What color was the handkerchief
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00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,207
in the nice lady's hand.
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00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,254
Did you see the bush on that lady?
What the heck was that?
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00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,465
Very good.
Turn your answers over, please.
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00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:03,052
Gee wiz, it was like
almost up to her belly button.
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00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,345
All right, now.
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00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:07,598
Who answered
that the handkerchief was yellow?
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00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,019
Very good.
Very good indeed.
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00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,521
Now I'd like to see, who answered:
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00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:15,273
"What handkerchief?"
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00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,199
You three boys, please come with me.
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00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:28,661
I didn't see a handkerchief.
Did you see {\*a handkerchief}it, Kenny?
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00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:31,039
Fuck no, I wasn't looking
at any handkerchief!
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00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:38,546
I'm sorry{\* boys}, but I'm afraid you three
have tested positive for sex addiction.
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00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:40,715
- What?
- Oh no!
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00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,132
Who fucking cares.
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00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,301
{\*We are going to}We'll have to send you home,
I'm afraid.
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00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,429
Wait, we're sex addicts?
Are you sure?
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00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:51,309
Our nice lady with a handkerchief test
is {\*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough.
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00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:55,104
{\*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous
to have around normal{\*, well-adjusted} students.
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It was just...
so big and bushy, sir!
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- Why does it look like that?
- So what happens to us now?
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00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,032
A life of desperation and anguish,
I'm afraid.
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00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,868
Your addiction will start off slowly,
magazines, Internet sites.
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00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:12,747
But {\*then }as you keep chasing your high,
your tastes will get more {\*and more }dangerous.
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00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:16,334
{\*Most likely, }You'll end up {\*going the way of}like David Carradine
and Michael Hutchence.
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00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,335
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
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00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:21,130
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
What's that?
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00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,633
I don't want to go
into too much detail, but...
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00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,677
you choke yourself with a belt{\* around your neck},
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00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,887
while masturbating,
dressed up like Batman{\* or something}.
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00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,347
Then you pass out{\* from lack of air},
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00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,683
and apparently, it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
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00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,018
Really?
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00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,855
I don't wanna have
to buy a Batman costume!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past {\*several }days
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00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:44,612
we have been screening {\*our nation's }schools
for signs of sex addition.
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00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:47,365
The results of our tests
are troubling, to say the least.
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00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,699
Dr. Tonton?
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00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:53,204
In fourth graders, 5% of male students
were found to be sex addicts.
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00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,165
By sixth grade,
the number goes up to 30%.
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00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:57,709
At high schools,
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00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,837
nearly 91% of male students answered
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00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,296
"What handkerchief?"
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00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,800
We're facing a sex addiction epidemic
in our country.
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00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,052
Young people all over America
are infected
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00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,012
and at an extreme risk to themselves
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00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,182
and to the people around them.
They're leading lives of secret pain.
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00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,101
And so, these infected boys
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00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,729
will soon be secretly wishing
they could be having sex
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00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,938
all the time
with lots of different people?
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00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,273
It appears so.
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00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,276
The poor bastards.
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00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,196
But what about us,
normal healthy adults?
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00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,239
Are we at risk of exposure?
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00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,616
We don't believe so.
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00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:34,370
In adult males, for whatever reason,
{\*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic
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00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:36,830
amongst rich,
successful celebrities.
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00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,791
However,
we are still collecting data.
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00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:43,379
{\*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man
to {\*go out and }have sex with everyone he could?
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00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,424
Whatever is causing this outbreak,
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00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,094
we guarantee we will find it.
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00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,388
Kenny, it's time for dinner!
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00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,190
Sunset and evening star,
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00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233
and one clear call for me!
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00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,610
And may there be
no moaning of the bar,
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00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,197
- when I put out to sea.
- {\*Oh }My God, it's true.
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00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,824
But such a tide
as moving seems asleep,
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00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,951
too full for sound and foam,
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00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,496
when that which drew
from out the boundless deep...
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00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,455
There!
It was like that!
154
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,208
It looked just like that!
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00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,462
Just like this but smaller!
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00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,590
{\*And }Right {\*in the place}where her underwear
should have been!
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00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,466
If I trim it down, it'll look right.
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00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:30,885
Butters, stop it!
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00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,011
But this is
what I keep seeing in my head!
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00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,474
{\*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it?
{\*We're going to}We'll end up {\*just }like Kenny!
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00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,393
If I can just see it again,
I'll be fine!
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00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:40,811
{\*Butters, }Stop!
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00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,981
- Leave me alone!
- Stop it!{\* Stop!}
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00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,195
Oh God!
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00:08:50,237 --> 00:08:51,530
Help us!
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00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,747
{\pub}{\pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive.
167
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,333
{\pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here.
168
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,627
{\pos(192,245)}Concentration is key.
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00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:08,381
{\pos(192,245)}You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
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00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,424
{\pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it!
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00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:13,710
{\pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck?
How many?
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00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,472
- Dude, I clocked you!
- I told you this game was sweet{\*, dude}.
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00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,726
{\pos(192,245)}Hang on.
I'm switching to a seven iron.
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00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,065
Man, I lost another endorsement!
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00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:28,317
- How'd you do that?
- Hit A and X together.
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00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,069
{\pos(192,245)}Round 2.
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00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,654
{\pos(192,245)}Fight!
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00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:34,824
You're going down, Elin!
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00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,992
I don't think so{\*, dude}.
I got the prenup power up.
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00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,744
{\pos(192,245)}Prenup power up!
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00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:42,456
{\pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak!
When did you get that power up?
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00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,792
All right, sex addicts!
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00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,212
What other destructive behaviors
did we engage in,
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00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,631
which lead to our ultimate downfall?
185
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,175
Anyone have another example?
186
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:55,636
Let's see.
How about... David!
187
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,306
Having sex with employees.
188
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:03,185
Sex with employees,
definitely a danger there.
189
00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,520
What else?
Mr. Clinton?
190
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,065
Putting cigars in girls' vaginas.
191
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:12,028
Very good, Billy.
Cigars in vaginas.
192
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,029
Not the best idea there.
193
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,740
Watching Internet porn
all day every day?
194
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,618
Spot on, Charlie Sheen.
195
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,495
Excessive Internet porn.
196
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,040
Now, the reason
we are making this list
197
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,417
is that we have new members today!
198
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,836
I want you all to welcome
Kyle and Bummers!
199
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,802
Would you care
to share your stories with us, boys?
200
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,223
{\*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict.
201
00:10:41,348 --> 00:10:43,809
I'm so scared.
I haven't even told my mom yet.
202
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,228
Does your mom have big tits?
203
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,105
Sorry.
204
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,231
Me, I just...
205
00:10:49,356 --> 00:10:51,567
I just can't stop thinking
about bush.
206
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,110
I heard that.
207
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:56,113
{\*I mean, }It's like... What is it?
What does it mean?
208
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,823
Why would there be a bush{\* right there}?
209
00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,741
Is it a live bush?
Are there berries?
210
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,078
Mr. Duchovny,
please stop jerking off.
211
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:03,913
Gee wiz.
212
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,957
To better understand
the sex addiction outbreak
213
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,294
we have been running tests
on chimpanzees.
214
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:13,673
{\*You can see that }This entire community of specimens
are getting along normally,
215
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,590
some pairing off,
others on their own.
216
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,301
{\*Now, }See this chimp here.
217
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,846
An average, normal adult male.
Blending in seamlessly with the others.
218
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,433
Now watch.
We are going to give it a lot of money.
219
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,310
Go ahead.
220
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:48,707
My God!
221
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:10,020
The subject is now isolated
and shunned.
222
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,732
Incredible.
And what is it doing now?
223
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,442
Making a public apology
on its talk show.
224
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:20,531
Alrighty!{\* Now,}
225
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,367
We all know the destructive behavior
226
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,453
that got us
into this predicament, don't we?
227
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,249
What is the main thing
we've all learned to avoid?
228
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:31,208
{\*Yes, }Tiger!
229
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,253
Avoid drugs and alcohol?
230
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:39,174
No, Tiger.
You still aren't getting it.
231
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,054
In order to make sure
we are no longer destroying our lives
232
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,098
with any of these behaviors,
we must avoid...
233
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,266
Anyone?
234
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,185
Avoid getting... Anyone?
235
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,477
Caught.
236
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,354
Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone?
237
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,772
Getting caught.
238
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:56,192
Very good!
You are all here in therapy
239
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,735
because you got...
240
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:58,819
caught!
241
00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:01,696
{\*So, }How to we avoid getting caught?
Ben Roethlisberger.
242
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,202
Don't screw girls
in the public bathrooms?
243
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,412
When they ask you
for money, pay them.
244
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,538
Good{\*, yes}.
245
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,790
Hang on.
246
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,250
We shouldn't be learning
how to not get caught.
247
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,961
We have to take responsibility
for our actions.
248
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:21,634
What the fuck are you talking about?
249
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,262
We have to accept
that we have a problem
250
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:27,723
and put the blame
completely on ourselves.
251
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,684
{\*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really
even a disease.
252
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,361
{\*Yeah, }It's me.
253
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,613
We've got a turd in the punch bowl.
254
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,283
I repeat, we have a turd
in the punch bowl.
255
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:52,122
Mr. President, in every test
the results were the same.
256
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,416
The monkeys who were given cash
always acted out
257
00:13:54,541 --> 00:13:56,836
their sexual addiction
to dangerous levels.
258
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,463
It appears that money
has a direct effect
259
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:01,632
on the viruses ability to develop.
260
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:05,594
So we must keep our nation's youth
away from money and success.
261
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:06,762
No good{\* Mr. President}.
262
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,558
Because we've learned that sex addicts
will find ways to make money
263
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,477
and become successful
in order to feed their addiction.
264
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:17,106
{\*You mean }Boys will start working
towards being rich and successful
265
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,941
just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
266
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:24,155
That's why we decided
to look at the cash itself for clues.
267
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,615
We tried to find something
in hundred dollar bills
268
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,118
that could explain
why this is happening now.
269
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,996
Then we looked at the backside
and found this.
270
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,249
Independence Hall,
271
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,083
the birthplace of our country.
272
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,004
We believe something is happening
at Independence Hall
273
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,256
that gives money its power over men.
274
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,841
Independence Hall,
275
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:45,592
Independence Day,
276
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,093
aliens.
277
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,388
Gentlemen,
278
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,474
I might know what's causing
the sex addiction outbreak.
279
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,518
This is highly classified,
280
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:57,271
but in 1947,
a flying saucer was discovered
281
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,064
in Roswell, New Mexico.
282
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,776
Two deceased alien {\*bodies }were recovered
and hidden from public knowledge.
283
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,945
They carried a virus with them,
284
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:09,116
{\*a virus }that{\* apparently} was only barely stopped
from spreading all over the country.
285
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:13,662
And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
286
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:16,832
{\*one }originating from Independence Hall
causing rich successful men
287
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,833
to have sex with lots of women?
288
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,588
It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
289
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,720
{\pub}{\pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry
290
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:32,556
{\pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible
and selfish behavior.
291
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,101
{\pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed
all of you.
292
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,771
{\pos(192,240)}Some have speculated
that my wife somehow hurt
293
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,814
{\pos(192,240)}or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night.
294
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,234
{\pos(192,240)}It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that.
295
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,612
{\pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
296
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,072
{\pos(192,240)}You motherfucker!
297
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,909
I should have never married you!
298
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,827
- Stop it!
- A porn star?
299
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,954
You screwed a porn star?
300
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,916
{\*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number
on my cell phone?
301
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,542
{\*Yeah, }Back in that water level.
302
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,546
Is Kyle still
at sex addiction therapy?
303
00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:06,172
That must be really intense.
304
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,054
{\*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now?
305
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:17,309
We are on our way to help take care
of your diseases once and for all!
306
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,978
Good,
'cause I really can't take it anymore.
307
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,231
Don't worry. As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
308
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,942
As soon as what's dead?
309
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,777
- Jesus!
- He just doesn't get it!
310
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,572
The infected alien
that they just discovered is hiding out
311
00:16:30,697 --> 00:16:32,241
at Independence Hall!
312
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,838
Entrance is clear, Mr. President!
313
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,717
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,
let us handle this.
314
00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:52,302
Right side clear!
315
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,637
We must be careful.
316
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:56,849
The alien could have cast
some kind of spell of invisibility.
317
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,685
Which would mean
that the alien is also a wizard.
318
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,478
{\*Yes!}It explains everything!
319
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:05,149
A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species.
320
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:07,901
Causing all the men
to become sex addicts.
321
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:08,902
Enough!
322
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:11,488
We've to find the wizard alien
and break his spell!
323
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,866
Okay, okay.
All right, hang on guys.
324
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:16,327
{\*I mean }Come on,
this is getting a little ridiculous.
325
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:17,578
Wizard alien?
326
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,163
We all know
what's going on here, don't we?
327
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,792
Whenever a story breaks
about some rich {\*famous }guy going around
328
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:27,504
and having sex with tons of girls,
we all {\*want to }act like we don't understand it.
329
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:28,630
But we do.
330
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,215
We're guys, you know?
331
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,593
Our brains are wired
to strive to be the alpha male,
332
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,136
{\*and }get all the women that we can.
333
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,138
{\*I mean, }Look where we are!
334
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:39,058
Even Benjamin Franklin
screwed everything that moved,
335
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,350
because he could.
336
00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:43,645
We don't have to condone
what these rich famous people do,
337
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:46,231
but we can at least admit
that given the same temptations
338
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,234
and opportunities
that somebody like Tiger Woods has,
339
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,778
a lot of guys
might do something similar.
340
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,327
We have a turd in the punch bowl.
341
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,120
Turd in the punch bowl.
342
00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:03,123
What are you doing?
{\*Come on!}Where are you taking me?
343
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,584
Ten city blocks have been shut down
344
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:08,921
because an alien is believed
to have taken refuge here,
345
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,422
in Independence Hall.
346
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,509
By all accounts
the alien is also a wizard,
347
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,886
who could very easily be
the cause of the outbreak
348
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,096
of sex addiction in our country!
349
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,227
{\*Mr. President!}Here they are!
350
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,730
This is the boy I told you about.
351
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,232
- And his friend, Bummers.
- Son,
352
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,694
we were told that you think
sex addition can be controlled,
353
00:18:32,819 --> 00:18:35,113
that it just takes restraint.
Is that true?
354
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:39,242
I just think I'd rather control it
instead of blame it on anything.
355
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:41,119
Amazing!
356
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,872
{\*Then }The wizard alien's spell
might not have any power over him!
357
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:47,251
- He could draw the bastard out!
- Quick! Give that boy a gun!
358
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,878
- What?
- You better take one too!
359
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,339
{\*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell!
360
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:55,175
- The bastard has gotta be upstairs!
- What bastard?
361
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,553
The alien wizard hiding out here!
Come on, we've got to...
362
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,057
What the hell was that?
363
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,268
I got a bad feeling about this.
364
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,441
- {\*Oh }My God, there it is!
- It's the alien wizard!
365
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,693
It's gonna get you boys!
Shoot it!
366
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,116
- Shoot it, boys!
- You have to shoot it!
367
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,912
{\*Shoot it }Again!
It's still alive!
368
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,791
You gotta reload!
369
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,004
Keep firing, boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
370
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:37,342
- Keep shooting it!
- Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
371
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,309
My God, they've done it!
372
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,649
{\*Look!}The sex addiction!
It's leaving my body!
373
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,693
I can feel it!
I'm free!
374
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,320
We are healed!
375
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:02,075
We watched
376
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,828
as sex addiction
ran rampant through our country.
377
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,705
It devastated families.
378
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:11,084
But once again,
our great country has risen up as one.
379
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,795
The wizard alien is dead.
380
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,131
Sex addiction is no more.
381
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,675
And if a rich celebrity
is caught again
382
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,469
trying to screw lots of women,
383
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:23,263
we'll now know it isn't
because men are just like that,
384
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,516
it's because a wizard alien
has cast his mighty spell.
385
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,981
I'm so glad it's over, Sharon,
aren't you?
386
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,734
We are now with the young boys
who helped stop the alien.
387
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,905
{\*Boys, }How does it feel
to be free of your illness?
388
00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:42,949
I guess it feels great.
389
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:44,242
Thanks.
390
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,829
Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
391
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,582
I finally paid a lady
to show me hers.
392
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,709
You wanna know
what's under that bush?
393
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,754
Nothin' but a pair
of sick joker lips!
394
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,757
{\pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured,
395
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,969
{\pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire
to have sex with anyone,
396
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,386
{\pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife.
397
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,514
{\pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful,
398
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,475
{\pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
399
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,560
{\pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys.
400
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:17,776
{\pos(192,240)}So I officially announce
my return to golf!
401
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,958
What the hell?
This game's all boring now.
402
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,543
{\*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting?
403
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,380
{\*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit
a dumb little ball around?
404
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,257
Golf is stupid again.
32966
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