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South Park News La Fabrique

What's wrong?

Nothing. Just leave me alone.

You've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break.

Something's going on.

It's just...

that essay that Garrison assigned us.

"What I wanna be when I grow up?"

I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up.

Why not?

Because I wanna be something that I know I can never be.

Tell us.

I wanna be a NASCAR driver.

When I see the car races on TV, the loud engines, the peeling wheels,

it's so cool.

- If you wanna drive NASCAR, you can. - Right.

Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver!

Look at me.

You really think someone like this,

can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver?

You can change things about yourself.

No, I can't. I'll always be like this.

- No, you don't know that. - Come on, I have to face facts.

NASCAR is for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes.

- What? - I'll never be poor and stupid enough.

Not just poor and stupid people like NASCAR.

Really?

- You love NASCAR, huh? - Yeah, I love NASCAR.

I told you guys. It's hopeless.

You are poor and you are stupid.

I know you're trying to make me feel better,

but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack.

You are so retarded.

Thanks, but even if I was, I'd still be too rich.

How are you rich? Your mom pays for everything.

You guys really think I could do this. You really believe in me.

I believe that you're a broke, ignorant, idiot.

Then maybe I can make myself believe it too.

Thank you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream.

The guys have been talking to me, and they've got me pretty pumped up.

I'm psyched. I'm about to do something big.

But I'm gonna need your help. Can you get psyched?

- I'm psyched. - Get really psyched up.

I'm really psyched.

Let's do this. I'm psyched.

I'm going to become a NASCAR driver. I'm going for the gold.

NASCAR?

I know, I'm not poor and stupid, but I can change that.

I want you to take all my money.

Every bit of it. $58.32.

- You're giving away all your money? - Just get rid of it.

Spend it, and don't ever let me have it back.

From this moment on, I am poor, like Kenny.

- You sure you want to do this? - I told you I'm serious.

This is my shot.

I'm gonna get as poor and stupid as I possibly can.

Alright, folks. Thank you all for supporting NASCAR.

So cool!

Who's ready for Saturday's big race?

We are really excited to be part of the fastest growing sport in America.

I am thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized

as a respected, legitimate sport.

Excuse me.

I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much.

So I went out and bought you all

$58 worth of canned food and blankets.

You're welcome.

I helped the needy.

I tell you what. It's raining cats and dogs outside.

Mostly cats.

I just wish I brought an umbrella.

- Did you give away all my money? - You don't have a penny left.

You're poor as shit.

- Why are you hanging upside down? - I need to get stupid.

I'm getting all the blood to my head and watching Two and a Half Men.

That's a hot girl over there.

Sure, she's hot. She's wearing a sweater.

- Feel stupid yet? - Not yet.

When a woman isn't feeling fresh, she turns to Vagisil.

God dammit. Another Vagisil commercial?

To stop feminine itching and relieve vaginal odors.

Fucking gross!

All those ladies have stinky vaginas?

If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor.

In some cases, it can lead to short-term memory loss.

For the freshest, cleanest feminine area...

Did you hear that?

In some cases, it can lead to short-term memory loss.

Oh, my God.

We need Vagisil.

Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength,

Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes.

Gee wiz! There's vagi-everythings.

Which one do I use to kill brain cells?

Buy me one of each of them.

- I'm buying? - I'm totally poor.

- Did you forget? - But I...

I didn't bring any money. I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil.

God dammit!

Alright, keep a lookout. I'll try it here.

Make sure the cashier doesn't see me.

- Is anybody coming? - No, you're good.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God! I feel kind of stupid.

Really?

- I'm feeling totally stupid. - That was fast.

Grab what you can, and let's go. I'm ready.

We are just seconds away

from the start of the Denver 300!

Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir?

Your wife is on the phone. She just got raped.

- What? - She got raped a lot.

- You gotta talk to her. - Oh, my God!

Sweet! Nice work.

Go be my spotter, so we can win this thing.

Are you sure you can do this?

Don't worry. I'm totally poor and stupid.

Ready for NASCAR.

Let the race begin!

Let's go, NASCAR!

- I'm not moving. - You gotta press the gas pedal.

- What's that? - There's a pedal by your right foot.

Let's go, NASCAR!

It looks like Dale Evans' car is going the wrong way.

Cool, NASCAR!

Sweet!

Fuck my ass!

All that work,

all the effort I put in,

I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.

You were as poor and stupid as you could be.

Don't you get it? It's never going to happen for me.

They're way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be.

I might as well kill myself.

- Don't ever talk like that. - I've given away all my money.

Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have,

but it still wasn't enough.

Alright, we got the X-rays back.

How bad is it, Doctor?

He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur,

torn ligaments in both knees and a level two concussion.

He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach,

- but they are all sparkling clean. - At least, there's that.

Pull the plug on me, Doctor. I don't want to live like this.

You aren't on life support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.

Donkey balls.

You are lucky to be alive, young man.

Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack, and hijacking a car for a joyride.

That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing.

Thanks, but you aren't making me feel better.

No, really.

Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves,

yours takes the retard cake.

Did you hear that? See?

- You are really stupid. - Could it be...

I only lost the race, because I wasn't poor enough?

It has to be.

- Where are you going? - Get me my coat.

We're gonna try this thing again.

You're watching Colorado Fox 11.

Next on Fox 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid?

Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan

apparently got high on Vagisil

and snuck onto the track killing eleven people.

Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday

and crashed in the lake behind me.

He was later found to have ingested this,

Maximum Strength Vagisil,

and also Vagisil Medicated Wipes.

Making NASCAR fans look pretty stupid, Tom.

NASCAR fans aren't stupid. Cartman is!

The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again,

but that this time, he will win.

That fucking asshole!

What are you doing?

I wanna show you what I've been working on.

Check it out. I thought I could give my money away.

But then I realized, what do poor people do?

Buy things with no money

by purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years.

That's how you stay poor forever. Am I right?

That's it, right?

- Fuck you! - I'm trying to get good at NASCAR.

Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR.

- I love NASCAR as much as you do. - You fucking don't!

It's so easy for you, isn't it?

I've had to become poor on my own.

I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.

What?

I had to buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years myself.

I didn't have parents to do it for me.

Look...

We shouldn't fight.

We both love NASCAR, and we're both poor as shit.

Excuse me?

My name is Geoff Hammil. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil.

Your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil,

and honestly, I don't know how to thank you.

Women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated.

I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty.

She's my muse, my flame.

We realize that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition, and so...

Vagisil has a little present for you.

Sweet!

No way. This is so tits!

Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race.

Check it out, Kenny. My very own NASCAR!

No fucking way.

And we've modified the cockpit

to be operated properly by a child.

Cool!

I got a NASCAR. So awesome, huh, Kenny?

We're live at the press conference where the drivers of Saturday's race

are gearing up and taking questions from reporters.

So what's your guys' take on the track here, any concerns?

I think it's a fine track.

The techs have done a good job of making sure

the banks are at the specs, and there shouldn't be any problem...

We like this track.

We gotta graftin' banks and specs, and it's like an oval,

so we're gonna drive straight, then we're gonna be turnin' to the left.

They're saying hot weather tomorrow.

Any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems?

Any time you're dealing with high humidity and temperatures

you compensate your brake fluid, but the plates...

Compensate yer brake fluid...

and get yer brake working so you can stop sometimes.

Excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver?

Bring it on, Earnhardt. You scared at the competition?

I'm just as poor and stupid as you.

I'm gonna drive, go fast and turn to the left sometimes.

Can we just get back to the subject of racing?

Bring it on, Danica. You dumb bitch.

Think I can't steer left better than you?

- You seemed really stupid. - Thanks, b-buds.

I can hold my own against these guys.

Little worried about Johnson, though. He seems dumber than spit.

And that Danica Patrick?

We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider.

Both of us.

Alright from the NFL, we now turn to the world of NASCAR.

People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR

are more sure today after a NASCAR driver

released bigoted statements on his podcast.

Alright, what's up NASCAR fans?

I don't know about ya'll, but this Obama is pissin' me off.

So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind.

Today I'm gonna be dippin'...

Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream.

That's a big digger right there.

So I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out.

I found this Obama

wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline.

What the fuck is up with that? That's fucking gay.

Fucking gay as hell.

Ya'll know my pit boss, Butters.

- Obama's fucking gay. - He's fucking gay as hell.

Pisses me off.

So ya'll be sure to catch us in our next race.

We're about as poor and stupid as they fucking come,

so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday.

Obama's gay as hell.

If you ask me, that's all the proof we need

that NASCAR really is just for the poor and the stupid.

Fuck it!

The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the year.

Lots of speculation in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman.

We're joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil,

Geoff Hammil.

Why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver?

Vagisil is very excited to be part of the NASCAR phenomenon.

You know, I first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty.

She is my muse, my flame.

Wherever Patty goes, her smile lights up the room.

Her vagina, on the other hand, makes it uninhabitable for weeks.

The race is about to start. Let's kick it back down to the track.

Gentlemen, start your engines!

Alright, start yer engines. What's that mean?

That means you flip the switch that says "engine."

Is he stupid, or what?

He's a champion alright.

Check your bag, please, sir.

See, this won't do.

You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track.

Come on!

NASCAR is trying to change its image.

It's people like you that are giving NASCAR a bad name.

Whatever. Fuck you.

You might be able to buy one in the gift shop.

The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car.

I'm gonna press the gas pedal, and I'm gonna go forward.

NASCAR, yeah!

This is just the pace lap. You don't go full speed yet.

Just a pace lap. Gotta hit the brake.

The fuck are you doing?

Fuck you, Danica Patrick!

You ain't half as dumb as me. Gas pedal!

Son of a bitch!

Ain't nobody can stop me.

It looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers

and taken them out of the race.

The other drivers won't be happy about this.

What do you think, Mr. Hammil?

Vagisil is a company that stands behind its product.

We want women to know that Vagisil is effective,

safe for use every day.

Every day.

Every day.

And available nationwide.

Be careful. About 100 yards,

there's a wrecked car.

- Watch it on the right side. - I see it.

You see that? Danica Patrick tried to get in my way.

That pisses me off.

That's fucking gay as hell.

Comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to steer left.

Get out of the way, you idiots. I'm tryin' to win this damn thing.

There you go. You're back on the track.

I'm back on the track.

What the...

What are you doing?

Fuck you!

- Get off my car. - Pull over!

Our friend Kenny is trying to break the windshield.

Ain't that just gay as hell.

We're trading paint!

It's so easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?

I have to prove myself.

I fucking hate you!

Sorry, I'm winning this race.

With the brake. Bye!

There's a little boy on the track!

It appears that all the other drivers have crashed,

and only the Vagisil car remains.

Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hammil.

This is such a great day for Vagisil.

Our product awareness will be at an all-time high.

Feminine odor must be treated diligently,

very diligently.

Patty?

It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Johnson's car.

What?

Ma'am, you are on an active racetrack.

This is extremely dangerous.

Let me talk to her.

Patty, what are you doing?

Patty, pull over the NASCAR.

You're acting irrationally.

Patty, did you forget to take your medication?

You know how you get when you don't use it.

There should be some in your purse, my muse.

You dumb bitch!

Butters, this bitch is trying to wreck my car.

I know. That pisses me off.

That's fucking gay.

Fucking gay as hell.

Patty, you are my muse and my flame.

They're neck and neck approaching the finish line.

Fuck my ass again!

It's celebration for the Lowe's team.

How could you?

You've ruined us. You've ruined Vagisil!

You fucking lose!

Go ahead. I deserve it.

I thought I could just waltz onto a race track and do the same.

But I owe you an apology.

The truth is I'm just to smart.

And I'll always be successful and have money.

I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR.

It's time to give up.

Give me back my money.

The $58.32 I gave you, I want it back!

But you said I had to...

You better have it. You always try to screw me over!

But you said to take your money...

I don't know.