Original subtitles

The first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Here goes nothing.

Yes.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Are you him?

I'm just a man, just like you.

Now, please, don't let me stop you. Go fuck yourselves.

Did Jesus just tell us to fuck ourselves?

Yeah.

Amen.

Oh my God.

This motherfucker.

Nice outfit.

What the hell are these?

Puka beads and some shit like that?

The fuck is that?

What sort of God are you praying to, son?

Shit's ridiculous.

You need a ride or something, hippie?

You're looking there all weird and shit. What the fuck's wrong with you?

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, this motherfucker.

Oh, really?

The fuck did you just say to me?

Yeah.

You like that, you fucking hippie?

Huh?

Yeah.

Get him good.

Hey, hey, hey.

Pick up your hat there.

What are you boys doing beating up on this here hippie? No, just having a

bit of fun, Sheriff.

Come on, Mark. I heard about those murders over in Terralingua.

Thought that this here might be your man.

If you didn't even call him that, you fucking hippie faggot.

Just a man.

Yeah, a fucking burning man, you freak.

Hey, hey, hey, boys, boys, boys.

Boys be getting along now. I'll take care of this from here.

Go on.

Just doing our duty, Sheriff. You better believe in Jesus.

You're about to meet your maker.

What's your name?

Is that blood?

You got blood on you?

It was an accident, huh?

I was crucified.

Say what?

I was crucified to a cross and left to die.

Six hours later, I did.

Is that so?

With my 20 years as a West Texas Ranger,

I've heard enough bullshit from hippies like you.

High as shit.

Spewing out all that crystal fairy nonsense out of your truly fucking

Usually I can tune you out.

The one thing I can't tune out is when someone blasts me as my Lord Jesus

Christ. Amen.

So.

And you using my Lord and Savior as a personal alibi

for an axe deal with a family?

Well, that's about the most blasphemous shit I ever heard.

So now this is happening.

You shall not take the Lord thy name in vain, for the Lord be guiltless.

If you take his name in vain, that's Exodus 27.

So you want to be crucified, huh?

Well, I'll nail you right to the cross.

I forgive you, Bernie.

How'd you know my name?

Huh? You a talker?

Huh?

I know how to take care of you talkers. We'll do it technique style.

Oh, Jesus.

It's the Lord Almighty on himself.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

What have I done?

Oh, God, I'm going to be sick.

You took the man, Vernon.

Same as you.

Please forgive me.

Forgive me. Oh, my Lord.

You're forgiven.

How about that blowjob?

I said go fuck yourself.

Adios mio, as your grandma used to say. You are such a little slut. Everyone

knows you're the town whore. I don't think Jesus himself could save you.

You want to know what Jesus would say if he could come back and see the way that

you fucking raggedy bitch treat me?

No. He'd start throwing up. Because you're gross, Mama, and I hate you.

Ow! And don't you never come back!

Oh, Jesus.

Where are you now, Lord?

Where are you when I need you the most?

I thought it was in the evening.

Don't you?

Oh, I want you to.

You gonna be a good little man?

I want you to be a good little man and put in that pussy.

Be a good little hot dog.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, just a little bit more.

Just a little bit more.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good boy little hot dog.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Fuck me like that.

Fuck me like that, bad little hot dog.

Yeah, real deep. You give it to me hard like that, you Mr.

Bad Mr. Hot Dog.

Bad. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Just like that.

Just like that.

Oh, yeah. He's just a good little nasty little hot dog.

you doing home?

Where's your hat and your glasses?

I don't need them no more. I've seen the light, Beth.

I've seen the light.

What are you going on about?

What the hell is the hippie in our yard?

Hey, hippie, go.

We're doing something. He's looking towards us.

What the hell?

Shoot him.

I'm throwing away my gun. You're doing what?

Bitch.

Where are you going, Martha?

You think I can't spot a whore from a mile away?

I can sure smell you from about two miles away.

You're an asshole. I'm not working. I'm going home.

Ah, well, we just got done beating up some old dirty -ass hippie. It's got our

dicks harder than fucking rebar.

Feel that shit.

Yeah, feel that shit. Feel that, Martha.

Turf's here. Got an even bigger problem.

His dick's so hard, it might turn Pentecostal. That shit sure as hell hurt

pants. God, you're an asshole.

You said you'd call me...

And you never did. And trust me, we need to talk.

Later, all right?

Right now, I'm so fucking horny, I can't even think straight.

But we only got a little bit of money. Just enough for one of us. So we'll flip

a coin for you this time, girl.

Yeah, how about this?

Heads I win, tails you lose.

Yeah, I like that. You like that? That's good, right?

Hold on, let me find a coin. I know I got one here somewhere.

Put mine in the vending machine earlier.

Damn, I never got money.

You got a coin on you? You got a coin, Martha?

Come on, we know you got money. You've been working that ass all day.

Oh, there we go. All right, let's do this. Come on. All right.

I win.

Fuck, you always win. You're damn right I do.

Next time.

All right, my friend.

Now let's go fucking in Daddy's bedroom.

Mm -hmm.

Daddy!

Mama's fuckin' a hippie!

That ain't no hippie.

That's a son of God.

Do what now?

I'm just a man.

And that was when a man shared with us his new message, the one he hoped would

save the world this time around.

A man believed that the worst things mankind came up with, serial murder,

that all these terrible, terrible, truly terrible and horrible things were

caused by nothing more than the shame that human beings attach to sex.

And that there was no good reason for it. That sexual shame was a glitch in

human construct.

And that the sooner people stopped feeling so bad about fucking, the sooner

bring heaven to earth and bliss to all mankind.

And all we had to do was... Go fuck yourself.

Why don't you come back?

To spread my new message.

And what is your message?

One that I hope will change the world for good.

And the message is... Go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself.

So go.

Come on. It's an old trick.

Go

fuck

yourself.

Maybe it's because we haven't had Jesus in our hearts, apparently.

Or in your nuts.

Well, in the meantime, why don't you take God's words and put it where your

mouth is?

Where my mouth is?

In the name of the Father.

In the name of what?

I'm going to enlighten your Holy Spirit.

Oh.

It felt real good

little sinner.

Check out my tinder stick.

I mean, I don't want to be, you know, a pervert or anything.

There's nothing wrong with perversity.

Actually, perversity can be a kind of genius.

It's just a higher sensitivity to things.

Plus, it makes you come harder.

So embrace your perversions and see them what they truly are.

Gifts from under the tree.

Can I touch it?

Well, I don't know. Can you?

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I can't believe it's not a boner.

Will it be in the new scripture?

Hmm.

The tale of the holy handjob?

It has a good ring to it.

I'll be sure to talk to my writers.

Oh, my God.

It's getting harder.

I don't know if I can do this.

Doesn't the body of Christ compel you?

I mean, it's just so intimidating. I mean, what happens when it squirts? Does

holy water get everywhere?

The Lord does work in mysterious spray.

Look.

Go forth and rejoice in the endless bliss that is God's gift.

The human organ.

Rejoice! Come here, my child.

Sheriff?

It's wonderful.

It's wonderful.

Oh, I'm so glad you boys can make it. Sir, are you feeling okay?

I'm beautiful.

Why do you ask?

Well, because it looked like you were getting baptized by a fucking

hippie.

You just hugged us and you're still hugging me.

You must be getting used to that.

You're going to be part of my family now.

Look, I don't think I can handle any of that. I can't handle any more of that.

But now you're here and you can finally meet him.

Meet him? Meet who?

The hippie?

You're talking about the hippie?

No, stop it! What are you idiots doing?

Stop. Look, man, this is a wanted criminal. He must have snuck in here

without you knowing. I apologize.

He's no such thing.

He's a piece of dog shit. Sheriff, we back this up on the... Boys, boys, boys.

This man is no criminal.

Anything but.

Vernon, you have them looking to his eyes.

You ain't looking at nothing, man.

Don't look.

Now, boys, now, boys, you need to calm down right now. I'm sorry I'm going to

have to do this to you, but you boys need to leave.

Now, just so you know...

He's going to be giving a new sermon on the mound tomorrow about 1 p .m.

You're more than welcome to come back. You guys can have a nice and calm, okay?

Don't look at me, hippie. Go on and get it. Go on and get it.

And go fuck yourself.

Is that really my baby?

Then you kill it.

Love and forgive.

For he knows not what he does.

You know, I bet that hippie faggot probably gave them all LSD.

Yeah, of course he did. I mean, why the hell else would they all be acting like

that? I mean, they all think he's Jesus or something.

I'll tell you why.

Because he's got them all believing.

And that's all the devil's got to do.

You get people believing in the wrong thing, and they will ruin themselves.

Time and time again. I've seen it.

But of course you boys know that, being all smart and stuff.

What'd you say your names were again?

Well, I'm Murfley, and this is my brother Turfley. We're Squirflies.

Murfley and Turfley Squirfley?

Them's your real names?

Well, yes, sir.

Well, don't you just put the light in the light, folks.

It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.

I am Belton Z. My friends call me Buzz.

I am a Republican, I am American, and I am also a registered gun owner.

And I'm a God -fearing Christian.

Now, you boys believe in Jesus and your Heavenly Father above?

Of course we do.

Yes, sir. Of course you do.

Boys like yourselves.

What if I told you that the devil has come to your town right now today?

The devil posing as a son of God to mislead people, to rob people,

to even kill them.

Well, mister, I'd say I'm listening.

Well, then I say I keep talking.

You boys like a good bourbon?

So...

The hippie is posing as Jesus. That's what you're saying.

And people believe him?

There's no end to the evil of this little fucker. I should know. I've been

following him forever.

Literally.

So what do we do?

I mean, we can't tell the sheriff.

The sheriff thinks the hippie's the real deal.

He won't even arrest him. Well, that's fine, okay? If you want to get the

hippie, you can't just arrest him right away.

What you need to do is you need to shame him.

You catch him in public with his pants down and get his people to hate him.

That's the only way you can stop love is with shame.

Now you get his followers to hate him so much, they'll crucify him for you.

It works every time.

At least it worked the last time.

Why are you still here? I thought I sent you out to get steaks.

I thought you were joking. Do I look like a fucking comedian?

Use the credit option.

Your mother didn't feed him pink chips when he was younger, did she?

I don't think so. I apologize for that.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, we were talking business.

Sir, what's going on?

Call me old -fashioned, but this is the way that I like to do business.

I didn't know we were in business.

No.

Really?

I know you're not as dumb as your brother.

You knew that I was coming.

You've been waiting for me your whole life.

You've been waiting for somebody to show up and take you underneath their wing

and treat you like a son.

A real son.

Have a dad that he never had before.

Now, I know you were hoping that the sheriff was going to do that. But he

did, did he now?

But I will.

And with me, you're going to get perks the sheriff would never give you.

Pussy perks.

Porn quality pussy.

Now, you like pussy now, don't you? You ain't queer.

No, sir. I ain't no fucking queer.

Sir. Of course not.

No, you're a good old boy.

You're firm.

You're rugged.

You're handsome.

You smell like oranges and juniper on a spring day.

Now listen, bud.

I need you to get the hippie.

Or else he won't die.

Ain't that right, ladies?

Bye.

Next day, a man gave his new sermon on the mound, which in our case was just

basement of our local lodge.

He had the most beautiful speech, all about how God didn't want man to be

ashamed of anything, especially sex.

That sex was supposed to be dirty, and that there was nothing wrong with that.

That God liked it when people showed creativity with their preversions, and

it was the pervs who would inherit the earth.

by helping others get rid of their shame, so that they could finally stop

killing each other and get on with loving each other instead.

But before he got a chance to say any of it, the whole day just went straight to

hell in a handbasket.

Oh, my God.

You dog dick.

You're supposed to wait for me to talk before you shoot him.

That was the plan.

I talk to the crowd, I get them to sway their opinion, and then you shoot him

and make it look like defect.

What are you trying to do? Turn him into a fucking martyr again?

What do you mean, again?

You fucking people, you're so stupid.

You can't see it unless it's right in front of your eyes, can you?

Oh, my God.

What? You murdered the son of God.

Now how is that for a revelation?

Oh, Murphy, Murphy, Murphy, you fucked up just like the Romans did.

You see, instead of letting him turn into a symbol, you should have

him. But no.

See, you talking monkeys, you can feel shame, but you don't know how to use it.

Shame is a way more powerful weapon than any bullet ever made by man.

Fortunately,

You can't have it, do not go. I'll cut you.

I guess I'll be seeing you all in hell.

Soon enough.

You can't go!

What did you do? You can't leave!

You have to come back and fix this!

Oh, I'll come back for you.

Soon enough.

Spread the word.

As many as you can.

As many people as possible.

Let them know that... There's no need to be ashamed anymore.

When they finally start, heaven will be waiting.

If you are my witness, I swear I'll spread your word.

Is there anything else?

If you're hanging a kiss on her, I would take one of those.

So then those handles over there are going to come over here, and then the

is going to come through over here, like that way, you know? And then from over

there, you're going to get that, and then we're going to come over here, and

two are going to do your thing.

And then there's tile, and the mics are over there.

You got that?

Okay. So then if you're facing that way, And then you come up her nose.

Make sure you get in both nostrils, because otherwise, what's the point?

And then it'll be good. And now, when you get to washing his wiener,

go real low and let it get nice and hard in your hand before you start sucking

on it. And then I'll come in and we'll fuck him together.

Sounds good, baby.

What do I do?

Just be beautiful.

Like he was.

All right, everyone, first position.

Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you. I love you. I love you, too, Mama.

All right, everyone.