All language subtitles for Everybody Hates Chris_S01E01_Everybody Hates The Pilot.en-us.dialog

[***]

NARRATOR:
1982.

That was the year I turned 13.

Before I was a comedian,
I thought the coolest thing

that would happen to me
was being a teenager.

I was going to have women,
money, stay out late...

I thought it was going
to be the bomb.

'Sup?

He's here!
Chris is here!

Yo, Chris!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[CHANTING]
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

NARRATOR:
Boy, was I wrong.

Chris!

Get in the bathroom and wipe
the pee off the toilet seat!

Disgusting!

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

JULIUS:
Come on, y'all, let's go.
We got to move.

NARRATOR:
When I was 13,
my mother convinced my father

to move us out
of the projects.

She always said, "'Project'

"is just another word
for 'experiment.'"

In a lab, the government
gives rats cheese.

In the projects, the government
gives people cheese.

Dad...

can we stop at McDonald's?

You got some
McDonald's money?

Julius, the kids
have to eat.

They ain't got
to eat McDonald's.

We got some bologna in the back.
I'll pull over.

NARRATOR:
My father Julius always kept
bologna handy just in case.

We get one combo meal.

Drew gets the burger.
Tanya gets the fries.

Chris, you can
have the drink.

NARRATOR:
One time, I just got ice.

[***]

NARRATOR:
We moved to an apartment
in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

Now, had we known
that Bed-Stuy

would be the center
of a crack epidemic,

I guess we would've picked
someplace else.

Bed-Stuy even had
its own motto:

"Bed-Stuy, do or die."

Look at that.
Look at that, look at that.

NARRATOR:
Those are some of the guys
that are going to die.

If I ever catch
any of y'all

spray-painting
on anybody's wall,

I'mma put my foot
so far up your behind,

you'll have toes for teeth.

Get inside.

NARRATOR:
That's my mother Rochelle.

She had a hundred recipes
for whooping ass.

Boy, I will slap the caps
off your knees.

I will knock you
into last night.

I will slap your name
out the phone book

and call Ma Bell
and tell her I did it!

NARRATOR:
That's my younger brother Drew.

There's nothing worse
than having a little brother

that's bigger than you.

My sister, Tanya,
was the youngest

and would do anything
to get me in trouble.

Chris, clean that mess up.

Tanya did it.
Uh-uh!

ROCHELLE:
Did I ask you that?

NARRATOR:
Since I was the oldest,

I had to be
the emergency adult.

If you smell smoke, and you
think the house is gonna

catch fire, get your brother
and sister and get out.

If you smell gas and you think
the house is gonna blow up,

get your brother and sister
and get out.

If you smell smoke and your
brother catches on fire,

get your sister
and get out of here.

NARRATOR:
Fortunately,
the house never caught fire

and neither did my brother.

Mom, why is it
that Drew and Tanya

get to go to school
in our own neighborhood,

but I have to go all
the way to Brooklyn Beach?

NARRATOR:
Brooklyn Beach was
a poor Italian neighborhood

on the other side of town.

It was just like Bed-Stuy:

take away the gangs,
add the mob.

Because the junior
high school around here

is like a hoodlum factory.

Now, those white kids,
they get an education.

NARRATOR:
Not a Harvard-type education,

just a not-sticking-up-
a-liquor-store type education.

Hey, Dad.
Hi, baby.

What's up?
Oh, what's up, Dad?

Hey, Daddy.
Hey, baby.

NARRATOR:
Tanya was
my father's favorite.

What's wrong with
your oatmeal?

Chris made
it too lumpy.

NARRATOR:
And she knew it.

You don't
have to eat it.

JULIUS:
I know you're not
gonna throw that away.

Eat that.

That's 30 cent
worth of oatmeal.

NARRATOR:
My father always knew
what everything cost.

That's a $1.09 in the trash!

That's two dollars on fire.

That's 49 cent of spilt milk

dripping all over my table.

Somebody gonna drink this milk.

Uh, baby,
did you see this?

Mm. Oh, I paid this.

It says you paid half.
I know.

I gave you all the money.

How come you only paid
half the bill?

I cannot even believe that
you're asking me that.

I'm asking you
a question.

I'm trying to find out
what's going on--

No, you're not.
You're questioning my judgment.

You act like there's not a big
red bill sitting on the table.

Okay, fine.
You do it, then.

I will. I am. Fine.
Okay. Good. Fine.

NARRATOR:
My parents taught me love
is never having to say:

"Kiss my ass!"
Where the stamps at?

NARRATOR:
I was never cool growing up.

The coolest thing about me

was this pair
of white sneakers I had.

Oh, no, no, no.

You are not going to school
in those sneakers.

NARRATOR:
Believe it or not,
there was a time

when you couldn't wear sneakers
everywhere.

Why? Everybody else
wears sneakers.

Because you look raggedy.

And plus,
you have an assembly today.

Boy, you done lost your mind.

NARRATOR:
My mother hated raggedy.

She always said it's better
to be poor and neat

than rich and raggedy.

I think she said that
because we were poor.

Here.
Wear Drew's good shoes.

I hate these shoes.

Everybody will make fun
of me at school.

You've been going there
for a week.

You don't know everybody.

NARRATOR:
I was the only black kid
at the school.

They know me.

NARRATOR:
This is so embarrassing.

How come he's
wearing my shoes?

'Cause you only have
one pair of feet.

Chris, don't fool around
after school.

I need you to be here
to let Drew and Tanya in, okay?

You won't be here?
I got to work today.

But you know the drill.

Yeah, yeah,
I know, I know.

Daddy's gonna be asleep,
don't wake him up till 5:00.

That's right. Chris.

You got your bus pass?

Yeah. Um...

somewhere around here.
Mm-hmm.

You keep on.
You lose this bus pass,

and your behind is gonna be
walking to school.

Oh.

Here's two dollars for lunch.
Thanks.

All right.
Now, be good.

CHRIS: I will.
Bye, Mommy.

Bye, baby.

Hold your sister's hand.

Don't go in the street.

NARRATOR:
Keisha was the girl next door.

At 13, I didn't know
a lot about sex,

but I knew she had something
to do with it.

Hey, Drew.
NARRATOR:Drew?!

What's up, Keisha?

You know her?

Yeah.

NARRATOR:
Drew was so cool,
he got girls at 10

that I couldn't get
until I was 30.

Listen, when y'all
get to the house,

don't ring the bell
or knock on the door.

Just wait, okay?
Whatever.

What if I have to go
to the bathroom?

Go at school.
That bathroom is so nasty.

Listen,
if you wake up Daddy,

he's gonna punch me
square in the face.

And if he does that,
I'm gonna punch you in the face.

And then he's gonna kill me
and wind up in jail.

Now, do you want Daddy
to go to jail?

No.
[MOCKINGLY] No?

[NORMALLY]
All right, then!

NARRATOR:
Even when my mother got mad,

she still made
my dad's dinner.

...have this on my mind.

NARRATOR:
...vegetables, potatoes,

and his favorite:
a big piece of chicken.

I had to take two buses
to school every day.

Was the junior high school
across the street

really that bad?

[GUNSHOTS]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

NARRATOR:
Much like rock and roll,

school shootings were also
invented by blacks

and stolen by the white man.

My first bus
was the 26.

I read the newspaper
every single day.

I learned more
on the way to school

than I learned at school.

My next bus was the 44.

I was the only black person
on the bus.

And nobody would sit
next to me.

I mean, nobody.

If you think she's mad now,

wait till her daughter
brings home O.J.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

NARRATOR:
My mother thought
going to a white school

meant I would get
a better education

and I would be safer.

Wrong!

That's Joey Caruso,

a little thug with a big chip
on his shoulder.

You know,
I managed to avoid him

before I wore these shoes.

Nice shoes, Bojangles.

Bojangles?

That's not what
your mother called me

when I was tap-dancing
in her drawers last night.

[STUDENTS GASP, EXCLAIM]

NARRATOR:
I know you think I'm crazy,
but if I let him

get away with that,
he'd be doing it all year.

Now, I couldn't beat him,

but I thought maybe
I could out-black him.

What?
Did I stutter?

[STUDENTS EXCLAIM]
Do you know who I am?

You step on
my shoe again,

and I'mma tell you
who I am.

[STUDENTS EXCLAIM]
I don't play that.

I'm from Bed-Stuy, boy.

I'll bring half of
Marcy up in here.

I will beat
your butt so bad,

you're gonna need
crutches in your sleep.

NARRATOR:
Hey, this might work.

You know what else
I'm gonna do--

[CROWD GASPS]

What's your name?
Chris.

I'm Dr. Raymond,
your new principal.

Now get off my feet.

[SNICKERING]
RAYMOND: That's funny?

That's not funny.

What's your name, son?

Caruso.

Fix yourself up
next time you come to my school.

See those shoes?

They say something.

They say, "I'm a student.

I want to learn."

I want more of that...

and less of this.

[***]

Don't bump into me again.

NARRATOR:
Even though Caruso
was messing withme,

getting embarrassed
made him even madder.

So you know what's coming next.

This isn't over, nigger.

NARRATOR:
Oh, he got away with calling me
nigger that day.

But later in life,
he said it at a DMX concert

and almost got stomped
to death.

Hey, are you really from
Bed-Stuy, do or die?

Yeah.
You ever been shot?

No.
Well, at least not yet.

I'm Greg.
I'm Chris.

NARRATOR:
Greg Wuliger
wasn't my first choice

for a friend,
but mutual ass-kicking

seemed to bring
people together.

Cool shoes.
Thanks.

You know, if that
was the new principal,

who was the old one?

I didn't touch her!

I don't know what you're
talking about. Ask anybody.

NARRATOR:
Mr. Palmer was accused
of doing something

we can't tell you about
because of the network censors.

The school settled
the lawsuit out of court,

and he's not allowed
to teach anymore.

If he moves to your
neighborhood,

you'll get a warning.

Back at home, my father
should have been in bed,

but he'd rather
lose sleep than money.

What are you doing?

I'm paying the bills.

See? It says $40,
I'm paying $40.

And that's exactly why I don't
let you pay the bills.

[***]

Where are you going?
To work.

Is Chris gonna be home
in time to wake me up?

Can I see in the future?

What's wrong with you?

[DOOR CLOSES]
Probably can see in the future.

NARRATOR:
By lunchtime, I was starving.

GREG:
I'm gonna go
get a hot dog.

I'm gonna get
a slice of pizza.

Got my money...

[***]

Give me back my bus pass.

You want it?
Take it, you little...

After school, Satchmo.

NARRATOR:
After school, I had a plan.

Th-This is crazy.

Man, it's a school fight. School
fights only last a minute,

'cause somebody always
comes and breaks them up.

All I have to do is get
in the first punch,

somebody'll stop it.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Fight! Fight! Fight!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

What're you waiting
for, Corn Bread?

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

This'll be over any minute.

[***]

[***]

Is somebody
gonna stop this?

[GROANS]

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait for me!

Thank you. Thank you, yeah.

Come on, ma'am, come on.
I got a schedule. Let's go...

Wait! Wait! Hold up!
Hold up! Wait!

There's a kid
trying to catch...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I see...

Wait, wait,
wait, wait-- Ow!

[GRUMBLING]

Bet you don't get me tomorrow.

I bet I do.

You do...
Yeah, go sit down.

Cut that out, you bunch
of hoods! Back off!

NARRATOR:
I was still hungry,
but I was almost home.

What could go wrong now?

Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

NARRATOR:
That girl's trying
to get me killed.

Daddy! Dad--

Girl, you don't want
Daddy to go to jail.

I told her to quit.

I have to go to the bathroom.
I told you to go at school!

That bathroom is nasty!

Listen. We're going in.

But once we get in, I don't
want to hear any noise.

None.
Do you understand?

Yes.

[***]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[CONTINUES FLUSHING, MUFFLED]

NARRATOR:
My father always
slept in his uniform.

That way, when he woke up,
he'd be ready to go.

[FLOORBOARDS CREAK]

I know how
to pay bills.

I can pay the bills...

[LATCH CLICKS]

NARRATOR:
You may not think messing up
a pair of $40 shoes

is such a big deal,
but you have to realize

that my father's car
only cost $65.

I had to get those shoes clean.

[***]

NARRATOR:
For the first time that day,
things were going all right.

All I had to do now was keep
everybody quiet till 5:00.

[LAUGHING]

[MUFFLED LAUGHING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

Dad...

Dad.

Time to get up.

It's 5:00?

Yep.

It's not 4:59?

Nope.

No...

What job am I
going to?

You're driving a truck.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?

Hey, hey, baby.
It's Mommy.

Is your father up?

Yep.
Good, good, good.

Take his plate
out of the refrigerator

and put in the oven for him.

What plate?

The one with
the big piece of chicken.

[***]

Haven't I told you

do not eat
the big piece of chicken?

But I was still hungry.

NARRATOR:
My mother wasn't mad at me,
she was

looking out for my father.
You see how big he is?

NARRATOR:
She didn't want him
to go to work hungry,

'cause if he goes to work
hungry, he'll be grouchy,

and if he's grouchy, he might
call his boss "cracker,"

and if he calls
his boss "cracker,"

then we're living
in the projects again.

But do not eat the biggest
piece of chicken.

Do you understand?

At least you didn't
mess up your school shoes.

Now come over here
and give me some sugar.

[***]

Now go to bed.

Rochelle.

What?

Look, I'm not trying
to tell you what to do,

but I'm working hard trying
to pay for this place.

You know that.
Just because you make money

doesn't mean you know
how to spend it.

You got to know how
to work the system.

What system?

The debt system.

I run this house like they run
the country: on a deficit.

Rent is due on the 3rd.
I don't pay it till the 9th

because you don't get
your check till the 7th.

If you pay
the light bill now,

I won't have money
for the groceries,

the rent would be late and then
you'll have to work overtime.

You want to work
overtime again?

No, I don't think so.

If we don't owe people money,

we won't have any money at all.

[SIGHS]
Um...

Uh, why didn't you
just say that then?

Because you didn't ask.

Baby.

Don't "baby" me.

Come here. I'm sorry.

Okay?

Who told you to open
the mail, anyway?

Come here, pookie.

No, last time you said
"pookie," I got pregnant.

You my pookie.
You always my pookie.

No pookie.
Okay, little bit of pookie.

Love you.

I love you too, baby.

NARRATOR:
My dad always checked on us
in between jobs,

his night job
and his late-at-night job.

Dad?

Hey, man.

I thought you were asleep.

I'm sorry I ate
the big piece of chicken.

That was 89 cent
worth of chicken.

What, you didn't get enough
to eat at school?

I was still hungry.

Now I'm still hungry.

Look, next time,

eat a little something
extra at breakfast, okay?

Okay.

Here.

Now don't go pulling
this money out.

Somebody'll try to rob you.

Don't tell
your mother about this.

[***]

Everything okay at school?

NARRATOR:
I didn't tell him
about the fight.

My dad went to school
during the Civil Rights era.

After hoses, tanks and
the dog bites on your ass,

somehow Joey Caruso
didn't compare.

Yeah, it was all right.

Good. I'll see you
in the morning.

NARRATOR:
My father wasn't the type
to say, "I love you."

He was one of four fathers
on the block.

"I'll see you in the morning,"
meant he was coming home.

Coming home was his way
of saying, "I love you."

Unplug that clock, boy.

You can't tell time
when you sleep.

That's two cents an hour.

ROCHELLE:
What the hell happened
to my towel?

[***]

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now