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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,200
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,070
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:06,070 --> 00:00:06,970
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:07,840
Chappelle's Show.
5
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,100
Ow.
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00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:11,710
Woo hoo hoo.
7
00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:13,010
Woo hoo.
8
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,610
Yeah yeah.
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00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,210
Let's start
the show.
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00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:24,750
(announcer) Give it up right
now, for my man, Dave Chappelle!
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(applauding)
12
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,930
Oh... yes!
13
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,960
Hey, thank you,
brother, thank you.
14
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:34,700
All right, everybody.
15
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:37,300
Have a seat, man,
let's all relax.
16
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:39,030
Thanks for coming back.
17
00:00:39,030 --> 00:00:41,200
Welcome to
Chappelle's Show.
18
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,970
You know, we've been getting a
little flack in the press.
19
00:00:42,970 --> 00:00:44,670
I don't know if you
guys have seen some things
20
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:47,310
that were written calling us
controversial,
21
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:49,290
which I was surprised about.
22
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,780
That's the thing
about being on TV,
23
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:53,380
you just never can say what
you wanna say, man.
24
00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:55,120
'Cause, if I said
everything I thought
25
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,850
it would just freak
America out.
26
00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:59,450
You wouldn't wanna
hear a young black dude
27
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:02,060
saying half the things
I be thinking.
28
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,220
The only way people would
listen to the stuff I think
29
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,660
is if a pretty white girl
sang my thoughts.
30
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:12,000
And I actually happen to
have a pretty white girl here.
31
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,200
Pretty white girl,
come on out.
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00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,900
She's in my contract.
33
00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:17,210
(cheering)
34
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,240
Good evening,
pretty white woman.
35
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,410
Thank you for being here.
36
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,860
I have some things
I need to get off my chest.
37
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:38,460
Crack was invented
and distributed
38
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:44,970
to intentionally
destroy the black community.
39
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,170
AIDS was too.
40
00:01:54,940 --> 00:02:00,150
The police never look for
Tupac and Biggie's murderers.
41
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,790
Fuck the police.
42
00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:10,990
(applause)
43
00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:20,100
What ever happened to that
recount in Florida
44
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:26,610
O.J. didn't do it.
45
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:33,980
On second thought,
yeah he did.
46
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,220
Gay sex is gross.
47
00:02:42,660 --> 00:02:46,130
Sorry I just
find it to be gross,
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00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:54,370
unless of course
they're lesbians.
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00:02:58,270 --> 00:03:02,180
I like lesbians.
50
00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:08,680
I like
lesbians.
51
00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:13,460
for real,
I like lesbians.
52
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:17,790
But I digress from
my point...
53
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,870
All Chinese
people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe.
54
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,370
So do white people.
55
00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:36,010
Pretty much
anyone who isn't black
56
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,480
looks alike to me.
57
00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:49,460
Oh I want to stick
my thumb in J-Lo's butt
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00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,040
I wouldn't mind sticking
a finger or two
59
00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:06,810
up that singing
white girl's butt either.
60
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,750
Call me on my cell, 917...
61
00:04:20,690 --> 00:04:24,160
(applause)
62
00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:34,140
And now it's time
to collect ad revenue
63
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for Comedy Central.
64
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,510
(cheering)
65
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:50,190
Revenue they don't
share with my black ass.
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00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:54,090
(cheers & applause)
67
00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,600
Real sex, street interviews,
take one!
68
00:05:00,630 --> 00:05:03,230
(cameraman) Sophia, what's the
craziest thing you ever did sexually?
69
00:05:03,230 --> 00:05:05,830
Um, the craziest thing
I ever did sexually...
70
00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:07,570
Oh, oh, oh,
okay, okay, okay...
71
00:05:07,570 --> 00:05:10,170
One time, I had a three way with
these two guys in college
72
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:12,770
and my sorority sisters
were, like, cheering me on.
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Yeah, that'd be it,
that'd be it.
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00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,110
(cameraman)
What about you, sir?
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00:05:17,110 --> 00:05:20,980
Craziest thing
I ever did sexually?
76
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,180
That'd probably be having sex
with old Gangbang here,
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00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:24,890
without a rubber.
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00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,050
We're fuckin'
done, man!
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00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:27,960
This date is over!
80
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,260
Wait a minute,
hold up.
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00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:30,960
I'm gonna kill you.
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Get off me.
83
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:38,330
Chappelle's Show. Ow.
84
00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:42,240
You know, uh,
in the quest to get paid
85
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:44,870
I have devised a new scheme,
ladies and gentlemen,
86
00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:47,880
which is not an easy
thing to do, but I've got it.
87
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,480
I'm gonna have my
own phone line
88
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,250
like Miss Cleo,
you understand?
89
00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,820
But I'm
gonna do mine real.
90
00:05:54,850 --> 00:05:56,120
You see?
91
00:05:56,150 --> 00:05:58,720
Miss Cleo
lies, she's phony.
92
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:02,220
I've got a nagging suspicion
that bitch ain't Jamaican,
93
00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:03,520
you know
what I'm saying?
94
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,400
(laughing)
95
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:10,000
I couldn't
prove it.
96
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:12,170
But check mine out.
97
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:16,070
(woman) Dave Chappelle's
Educated Guess Line.
98
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,270
Dave Chappelle is
not a psychic.
99
00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,870
He is merely a racist,
who believes that stereotypes
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00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,580
dictate our futures.
101
00:06:23,010 --> 00:06:25,180
(woman's voice) My boyfriend
says my butt's too big.
102
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,510
Why would he say that?
103
00:06:26,510 --> 00:06:28,250
My old boyfriend
liked it just fine.
104
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:29,950
Okay.
105
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:31,290
Okay, have you
gained weight?
106
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,120
No.
107
00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:34,760
Okay, so your current
boyfriend is white.
108
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,460
Oh my gosh, yes!
109
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,660
Yeah, and your old boyfriend
is black, ain't he?
110
00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,830
Oh my god,
how did you know that?
111
00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:43,860
Because a brother can't get
enough of that ass.
112
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,030
Hold up,
I'm seeing something...
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It's your parents!
114
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,170
Oh, god.
115
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,770
They're angry, real angry!
116
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:54,240
They kicked you out for dating
a black dude, didn't they?
117
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,010
Oh, my god, there's no way
you could have known that
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00:06:56,010 --> 00:06:57,400
unless you knew me!
119
00:06:57,710 --> 00:06:59,480
Or if I dated
four white girls myself.
120
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,820
Thanks for playing.
121
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:05,520
Dave Chappelle's
insights will astound you.
122
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,720
(man with foreign accent)
Hello, is this Dave Chappelle?
123
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,160
All right, I'm hearing
an accent.
124
00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:11,190
You from south
of the border?
125
00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:12,890
You amaze me, man!
126
00:07:12,930 --> 00:07:15,530
Oh, hold on, there...
is your name Miguel?
127
00:07:15,530 --> 00:07:16,800
It is!
128
00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:17,670
Bam!
129
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,430
All right, all right
go ahead, dog.
130
00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:22,040
So, David, I was
driving on the freeway.
131
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,610
Stop... driving.
132
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,370
You drive a pickup truck,
don't you, Miguel?
133
00:07:26,370 --> 00:07:28,510
Yes, I do.
134
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,240
And you don't have
insurance, do you?
135
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,550
No, I don't.
136
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:32,850
Bam!
137
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,750
Sometimes, Dave will talk with a
phony baloney Jamaican accent.
138
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,350
(Jamaican accent)
The cards don't lie!
139
00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,090
Lord have mercy!
140
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,820
Hello?
141
00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:45,460
(woman) Collect call from
a correctional facility,
142
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,760
will you accept the charges?
143
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:47,630
Yes, I will.
144
00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:48,900
Go ahead, sir.
145
00:07:48,930 --> 00:07:50,660
All right, before you
even say anything,
146
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:51,970
you black, ain't you?
147
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,570
(man) Yo, this nigga is off the hook!
148
00:07:54,570 --> 00:07:56,270
Wait a minute,
I see something!
149
00:07:56,270 --> 00:07:57,140
What?
150
00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,470
You getting
out of jail!
151
00:07:58,470 --> 00:07:59,740
Say word, son!
152
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,810
You're walking out,
you are free as a bird!
153
00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:03,650
Hold up.
154
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,280
I'm seeing something...
it's six weeks later...
155
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,850
You going right back
in the jail
156
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,590
for the same shit.
157
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:11,490
What kinda psychic...
158
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,750
(dial tone)
159
00:08:12,790 --> 00:08:14,520
Call this number now,
and let Dave
160
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,520
or one of his educated
guessers tell you your future.
161
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,730
It's only 99 cents for
the first minute,
162
00:08:19,730 --> 00:08:21,460
2.50 each additional minute.
163
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,200
You can't afford not
to have your future read
164
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,900
based on stereotypes.
165
00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:28,840
(Jamaican accent) Call me now
for a bumble-cluck reading!
166
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,540
(mumbling)
167
00:08:32,710 --> 00:08:33,580
Hey, y'all,
168
00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:35,310
flippity-flap, flippity-float,
flippity-fleep,
169
00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:37,050
here comes some jokes!
170
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,110
(announcer) For years, we've all
watched celebrities accepting awards
171
00:08:40,110 --> 00:08:41,850
get played off by
the house orchestra
172
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:44,410
when their speech runs on
too long.
173
00:08:44,420 --> 00:08:45,750
My parents were really
disappointed
174
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:47,450
when I dropped out
of school for that year,
175
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,660
but I felt like I really just
needed to find myself.
176
00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:50,760
Word?
177
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,260
But then, you know,
I was like, you know what?
178
00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:54,400
Let me just go to Howard like
my father, you know?
179
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,730
Well, then, my girlfriend
Gina, she called me up,
180
00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:58,770
she said, "girl, you have
got to get down to Emery,
181
00:08:58,770 --> 00:08:59,630
down to Hotlanta!
182
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,340
I was like Gina,
number one,
183
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,100
why are you calling me up,
trying to confuse me?
184
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,840
You know
Spelman's in Atlanta, too.
185
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,280
Second of all, you know I'm
vacillating here, trying to...
186
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,010
with "The Wrap It Up Box,"
187
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:13,560
you've got that same power,
right in your pocket.
188
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,680
So then I just went to Howard,
where I majored in sociology,
189
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,850
and made a lot of friends
and had a really good time!
190
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,420
So that was college,
how about you?
191
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,830
From the makers of
the Home Stenographer comes
192
00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:29,530
"the wrap it up box!"
193
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,600
It's like being the director
of an awards show
194
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,880
everywhere you go!
195
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,600
(pounding gavel)
196
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,540
Young man, you've been found
guilty by a jury of your peers.
197
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,140
The crime you've committed
was very serious,
198
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,440
and before I sentence you,
199
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,050
I'd like to say a few words
about your arrest record...
200
00:09:46,050 --> 00:09:47,320
What the hell?
201
00:09:47,350 --> 00:09:49,520
Yo, the sign
is real simple, "b",
202
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,650
it says, "wrap it up."
203
00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:53,390
Wrap that
shit up, "b"!
204
00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:55,930
I don't think that's
a good idea.
205
00:09:55,990 --> 00:09:57,290
Man, you want some too?
206
00:09:57,290 --> 00:09:58,630
You'd better
wrap it up!
207
00:09:58,630 --> 00:10:00,330
(pounding gavel)
208
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,100
You'd better wrap
that gavel up, "b"!
209
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,100
That's what I'm
talking about.
210
00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:06,870
That's what
I was telling you.
211
00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:09,870
With "The Wrap It Up Box,"
things will come to an end
212
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:12,040
at the perfect time...
213
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,810
whenever you want
them to.
214
00:10:13,810 --> 00:10:16,810
I'm gonna rock it tonight!
215
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,450
Have you ever
felt this in your life?
216
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,620
I'm taking you on
a journey, girl!
217
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:25,920
(moaning)
218
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:26,790
Psych!
219
00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:28,990
Psych, you thought
I was done didn't you?
220
00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:30,260
It ain't over.
221
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:33,730
(music playing)
222
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,330
For real?
Not even close?
223
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,370
Not even close.
224
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,570
Hold on, now, hang in
there with me.
225
00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:42,670
How about that?
226
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:43,740
Hey,
can you read?
227
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:45,440
Wrap it up.
228
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,210
You need
to wrap it up!
229
00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,340
Wrap it up!
(moaning)
230
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,680
That's a wrap!
231
00:10:53,710 --> 00:10:54,980
Woo!
232
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:01,060
"The Wrap It Up Box,"
in stores now!
233
00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:02,390
Available at all Walbogs.
234
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:04,120
Stop skipping your
remedial class.
235
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,290
It's the finals,
you're gonna need it to pass
236
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,460
and you don't need these big
Brooklyn feet in your ass.
237
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,760
So keep my name
out your mouth
238
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,500
and your mind on your task.
239
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:12,800
And if you think that I'm
talking about you
240
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,070
in these bars.
241
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,800
If the shoe fits,
shut the fuck up,
242
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,700
and walk it
off.
243
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:17,970
It's Brooklyn.
244
00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:29,680
Yeah, yes.
245
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,720
Hey,
welcome back, gang.
246
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:35,320
Yes, welcome back.
247
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,960
Now, I don't know how many of
you guys are from my generation;
248
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,830
the Pepsi generation, Generation
"X", they called us.
249
00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:44,460
I refer to us
as the Reagan babies.
250
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:48,770
Anyone who grew up around Reagan
had drug-awareness week, right?
251
00:11:48,770 --> 00:11:50,970
Now, I don't know if
you guys know at home
252
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:53,110
what drug-awareness week is.
253
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:57,450
That is a week of drug education
for children in schools.
254
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,210
And at the end of the week,
255
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:02,250
to really drive
the point home to the youth,
256
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:04,420
they always have a real,
live crackhead
257
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:06,990
come talk to the kids.
258
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,460
I know that was
the case at my school.
259
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:14,150
And tonight, we have a tape
of just such an event.
260
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,100
Please enjoy.
261
00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:19,170
He's been away for a while
but he's back around.
262
00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,900
Y'all tell anybody,
I'll kill you!
263
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,170
I'll kill you!
264
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,370
The goofiest
crackhead in the town.
265
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:26,940
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
266
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:29,140
He kicked his habit
back in the joint,
267
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:30,010
now he's back on point.
268
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,310
Look out crack,
here I come!
269
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:33,010
(crashing)
270
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,050
He's finally home
he's Tyrone.
271
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,990
(narrator) This week, Tyrone
visits a local middle school
272
00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:42,120
to promote drug awareness.
273
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,160
We have a very
special surprise today.
274
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:49,060
Let's hear it for
Tyrone Biggums!
275
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,100
(applauding)
276
00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:54,270
Hi, kids!
277
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,470
Thank you very much,
teacher!
278
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:03,810
It is truly an
honor and a privilege
279
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,720
for me to be here at
Pinehurst school,
280
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:11,620
or whatever your
school is called, today.
281
00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:13,380
I say it's a privilege,
282
00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:17,700
because it's a violation of my
parole to be around children.
283
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,860
But enough about that.
284
00:13:19,890 --> 00:13:22,900
Hello, little boys
and little girls.
285
00:13:22,930 --> 00:13:25,930
Mm, mm, mm.
286
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:30,270
Kids, y'all
are looking at a dead man.
287
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,310
I should not be in front
of you today!
288
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:40,250
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life.
289
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:45,020
I started doing drugs when I was
little, just like you, fellow.
290
00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:46,750
Me and my
friends would go home
291
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,920
and smoke marijuana
after school.
292
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,660
Can you say marijuana?
293
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:53,260
(all the children)
Marijuana.
294
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,030
That's what I was smoking.
295
00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:56,760
Sometimes, dipped
in embalming fluid.
296
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,370
And me and my friends would
laugh and giggle
297
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,100
and eat all
the cookies!
298
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,370
It was terrible.
299
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,110
Terrible.
300
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:05,440
I can definitely say,
301
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,440
he was the absolute
worst anti-drug speaker
302
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,610
in the history of drugs.
303
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,520
Then I upgraded to
a little drug called acid...
304
00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:16,720
very inexpensive and affordable.
305
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,190
Even young children could
afford it... it's so bad.
306
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:24,060
I did two hits of that
and Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo
307
00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:27,130
and all my favorite cartoon
heroes came to my room
308
00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:32,300
and ate cookies with me
and sang songs for 16 hours.
309
00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,900
God damn, talking about...
310
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:41,840
Tyrone go clean up
your room.
311
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,610
And Mickey Mouse was
doing the bass line like this,
312
00:14:43,610 --> 00:14:48,350
ba ba ba boo,
ba ba ba boo
313
00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,820
and then, he basically
told them
314
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:54,020
where and how
to buy the stuff.
315
00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:57,060
We all know we can sneak into
our mama's room
316
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,360
when she's sleeping,
317
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,960
and take $5, $10,
maybe $20 out her purse,
318
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,560
run on down to Third Street,
catch the "D" bus downtown,
319
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,600
and meet a Latin American
fellow named Martinez...
320
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,300
We know that!
321
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,210
And we know that Martinez'
stuff is the bomb!
322
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,680
Kids, drugs
is all around you.
323
00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:17,880
How will I know when
drugs around,
324
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,010
you might
be asking.
325
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:22,650
Well, I'll tell you, use your
magic markers.
326
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:24,820
What you think this
is some kind of crayon?
327
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:26,090
No.
328
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,590
Take that cap off and sniff it.
And you be high.
329
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:33,460
And these little ones
are 10 and 11 years old.
330
00:15:33,490 --> 00:15:34,760
You!
331
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,960
You know what dog food
tastes like?
332
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,230
Do you?
333
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:41,270
It tastes just
like it smells...
334
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,000
delicious!
335
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,340
I'm gonna show you how
I go to the bathroom.
336
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,380
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
337
00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:51,250
Ha!
338
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,850
(farting)
339
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,880
I thought
the worst was over.
340
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,620
I was mistaken.
341
00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:02,090
That, children,
was the first time
342
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,260
I sucked a dick
for crack.
343
00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:06,370
But it wouldn't be the last.
344
00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:08,190
Why, one time,
I seen Martinez...
345
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,770
I'm trying to say something.
346
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,270
Thank you for that lovely
and moving and graphic story.
347
00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:16,430
You're welcome,
teacher bitch!
348
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,040
I'm not finished,
but that's all right.
349
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,180
Um, can I get cash
for this?
350
00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:22,940
I got some errands to run,
351
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,110
and I don't think
I'm gonna make the bank.
352
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:25,980
Um, uh, uh...
353
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:27,680
It's my money, bitch!
354
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,580
I earned it!
355
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:31,150
Give me my
speaker's fee!
356
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,450
Thank you,
kids!
357
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:34,620
Goodbye!
358
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,960
He's been away for while
but he's back around.
359
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,160
The goofiest
crack head in the town.
360
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,330
He kicked his habit
back in the joint.
361
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,060
Now he's back on point.
362
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:48,070
He's finally home,
he's Tyrone.
363
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,240
(cheering)
364
00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:53,710
Oh, my gosh.
365
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,340
Just so all you know,
that's not real doo-doo.
366
00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,480
I don't want to
upset you.
367
00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:00,650
It was a
Snickers Bar,
368
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,380
we melted it.
369
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,020
The funny thing was,
the dude that does the props
370
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:08,050
was melting the snickers bar
for the sketch...
371
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,760
It's candy, you know,
he's melting it.
372
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,000
But I caught him like he was
doing a thing, he was like...
373
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:18,000
All right, look, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,
374
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,300
but don't go nowhere,
375
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,900
because we've got Mos Def
when we come back, man.
376
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:23,000
The mighty Mos!
377
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,000
Stick around for more
Chappelle's Show.
378
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:32,310
Chappelle's Show.
379
00:17:32,350 --> 00:17:35,780
Better not
bring your kids.
380
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,820
Hey, gang, welcome back.
381
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:41,420
Welcome back, man.
382
00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:43,190
We are hanging in here,
having some fun.
383
00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:46,230
Please make some noise
for my brother, Mos Def!
384
00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:49,230
(cheering)
385
00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:51,400
Pull up to your
spot on low.
386
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:54,030
Shine brighter than all
of the cats that got on glow.
387
00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:56,200
Lay in the cut like they're
not gonna know.
388
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,940
'Cause if
I gotta make a move dog,
389
00:17:57,940 --> 00:17:59,240
they're not gonna know.
390
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,370
This door marked private
this is not for show.
391
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,580
It's Mos Def
what you call real for sure.
392
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,310
Is they what
you call gangster?
393
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:06,580
Hell no.
394
00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:08,750
They get a little pinch
and go snitch to the poor.
395
00:18:08,750 --> 00:18:10,950
They all talk fast but
they all think slow.
396
00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:13,120
I'm most
definite not think so.
397
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,720
Flood your city with
the black ink flow,
398
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,890
and my crew ain't
scared to let them things go.
399
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,590
So stop with
the nonsense
400
00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,900
like he conscious.
401
00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:23,100
I'm just awake dog.
I'm doing great dog.
402
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,700
I don't play games I don't
player hate y'all.
403
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:28,270
Get it straight or get
the fuck up out my face dog.
404
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,470
I'm like the second plane that
made the towers face off.
405
00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,770
This shit
will let you know
406
00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:33,470
it's really not
a game dog.
407
00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:35,240
Your grind and my
grind ain't the same dog.
408
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,790
I'm the catalog you
the same song.
409
00:18:37,810 --> 00:18:40,240
So cool and old
school like A-4.
410
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,620
doing the little mommies
winding up their waist for
411
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,190
the one that real niggas got
their hand raised for.
412
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,390
Me and D. Chappelle
got it yellow taped off.
413
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:49,960
Don't push me
'cause I'm close
414
00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,720
to the streets,
to the beats,
415
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,030
the bitches, the niggas,
the women, the children,
416
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:55,190
the workers, the dealers,
the addicts, the killers,
417
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,760
the quiet, the livest,
the realest, and that's close.
418
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,530
Don't push me 'cause
I'm close
419
00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:01,670
to the edge,
back, middle, and front.
420
00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:03,440
Strong back shit
lifting it up
421
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,140
from the big and the small.
422
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:06,470
I'm like J. Brown,
getting involved.
423
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:08,640
And when I'm letting off a
round don't get in the cross.
424
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,240
Have your preacher man talking
low getting his cross.
425
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,410
Tell the wild card boy
not to get off their horse
426
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:16,020
before they find out the town
law is strictly enforced.
427
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,590
It's a real bad way to
get your name in the source.
428
00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:20,350
Test the limits of
a dangerous force.
429
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,090
You ended up
dumb, famous, and gone.
430
00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:24,260
Your people shouting out
your name in their song.
431
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:25,990
Pouring liquor on
the day you was born.
432
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,730
Buying paint to put your
face on the wall.
433
00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:29,000
Come on fall back
434
00:19:29,030 --> 00:19:31,600
it's no need for all that.
It's all good.
435
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,570
We all
here going all out.
436
00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:35,970
All live all day listen
when the song say...
437
00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:38,140
Don't push me
'cause I'm close
438
00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:40,270
to the streets, to
the beats
439
00:19:40,310 --> 00:19:41,570
the bitches, the niggas,
the women, the children,
440
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,780
the workers, the killers,
the addicts, the dealers,
441
00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:45,510
the quiet, the livest,
the realest, and that's close.
442
00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:48,080
Don't push me 'cause
I'm close
443
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,850
to the edge,
back, middle, and front.
444
00:19:49,850 --> 00:19:51,990
Strong back shit
lifting it up
445
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,290
from the big and the small.
446
00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:55,020
I'm like J. Brown
getting involved.
447
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,060
Now get yours.
448
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,090
Bang it, bang it, boom bang,
diggy boom boom.
449
00:19:58,090 --> 00:20:00,660
Bang it, bang it
boom bang, diggy boom.
450
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:01,990
My man, Meek,
hooked this up.
451
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:02,830
Yeah.
452
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,600
It's the bomb.
It's pretty hot, right?
453
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,430
Yeah.
454
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,040
Now get close.
455
00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:09,370
Bang it, bang it, boom
bang diggy boom boom.
456
00:20:09,370 --> 00:20:10,640
Good.
457
00:20:10,670 --> 00:20:12,810
Yeah.
458
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:13,710
Yeah, right?
459
00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,710
Yeah, Mos Def.
460
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:21,050
Mos Def.
461
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,120
I'd like to thank my guest,
Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,
462
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,290
everybody that
helped me out this week.
463
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,590
I gotta say that he...
464
00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,290
Yo, Chappelle!
465
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,620
Yo, wrap it
up, "b"!
466
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,360
That's it,
you're done, man!
467
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,500
Wrap it up, "b"!
468
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,260
You're done,
wrap it up!
469
00:20:36,260 --> 00:20:37,530
Right.
470
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,430
We'll see you
next week!
471
00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:46,210
(cheers & applause)
472
00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:51,850
I'm rich,
bi-atch!
473
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:52,750
(horn honking)
474
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,010
Hi, thank you!
475
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,860
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
476
00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:08,330
Oh!
477
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,660
Get out
the way!
478
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:10,930
Go on, go on!
479
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,230
Ow!
480
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:14,730
(Dave Chappelle)
Lick your fingers.
481
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,340
Crack!
482
00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:26,550
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life!
34450
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