Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Ow.

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Yeah yeah.

Let's start the show.

(announcer) Give it up right now, for my man, Dave Chappelle!

(applauding)

Oh... yes!

Hey, thank you, brother, thank you.

All right, everybody.

Have a seat, man, let's all relax.

Thanks for coming back.

Welcome to Chappelle's Show.

You know, we've been getting a little flack in the press.

I don't know if you guys have seen some things

that were written calling us controversial,

which I was surprised about.

That's the thing about being on TV,

you just never can say what you wanna say, man.

'Cause, if I said everything I thought

it would just freak America out.

You wouldn't wanna hear a young black dude

saying half the things I be thinking.

The only way people would listen to the stuff I think

is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts.

And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here.

Pretty white girl, come on out.

She's in my contract.

(cheering)

Good evening, pretty white woman.

Thank you for being here.

I have some things I need to get off my chest.

Crack was invented and distributed

to intentionally destroy the black community.

AIDS was too.

The police never look for Tupac and Biggie's murderers.

Fuck the police.

(applause)

What ever happened to that recount in Florida

O.J. didn't do it.

On second thought, yeah he did.

Gay sex is gross.

Sorry I just find it to be gross,

unless of course they're lesbians.

I like lesbians.

I like lesbians.

for real, I like lesbians.

But I digress from my point...

All Chinese people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe.

So do white people.

Pretty much anyone who isn't black

looks alike to me.

Oh I want to stick my thumb in J-Lo's butt

I wouldn't mind sticking a finger or two

up that singing white girl's butt either.

Call me on my cell, 917...

(applause)

And now it's time to collect ad revenue

for Comedy Central.

(cheering)

Revenue they don't share with my black ass.

(cheers & applause)

Real sex, street interviews, take one!

(cameraman) Sophia, what's the craziest thing you ever did sexually?

Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually...

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay...

One time, I had a three way with these two guys in college

and my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on.

Yeah, that'd be it, that'd be it.

(cameraman) What about you, sir?

Craziest thing I ever did sexually?

That'd probably be having sex with old Gangbang here,

without a rubber.

We're fuckin' done, man!

This date is over!

Wait a minute, hold up.

I'm gonna kill you.

Get off me.

Chappelle's Show. Ow.

You know, uh, in the quest to get paid

I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen,

which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it.

I'm gonna have my own phone line

like Miss Cleo, you understand?

But I'm gonna do mine real.

You see?

Miss Cleo lies, she's phony.

I've got a nagging suspicion that bitch ain't Jamaican,

you know what I'm saying?

(laughing)

I couldn't prove it.

But check mine out.

(woman) Dave Chappelle's Educated Guess Line.

Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.

He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes

dictate our futures.

(woman's voice) My boyfriend says my butt's too big.

Why would he say that?

My old boyfriend liked it just fine.

Okay.

Okay, have you gained weight?

No.

Okay, so your current boyfriend is white.

Oh my gosh, yes!

Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he?

Oh my god, how did you know that?

Because a brother can't get enough of that ass.

Hold up, I'm seeing something...

It's your parents!

Oh, god.

They're angry, real angry!

They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they?

Oh, my god, there's no way you could have known that

unless you knew me!

Or if I dated four white girls myself.

Thanks for playing.

Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you.

(man with foreign accent) Hello, is this Dave Chappelle?

All right, I'm hearing an accent.

You from south of the border?

You amaze me, man!

Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel?

It is!

Bam!

All right, all right go ahead, dog.

So, David, I was driving on the freeway.

Stop... driving.

You drive a pickup truck, don't you, Miguel?

Yes, I do.

And you don't have insurance, do you?

No, I don't.

Bam!

Sometimes, Dave will talk with a phony baloney Jamaican accent.

(Jamaican accent) The cards don't lie!

Lord have mercy!

Hello?

(woman) Collect call from a correctional facility,

will you accept the charges?

Yes, I will.

Go ahead, sir.

All right, before you even say anything,

you black, ain't you?

(man) Yo, this nigga is off the hook!

Wait a minute, I see something!

What?

You getting out of jail!

Say word, son!

You're walking out, you are free as a bird!

Hold up.

I'm seeing something... it's six weeks later...

You going right back in the jail

for the same shit.

What kinda psychic...

(dial tone)

Call this number now, and let Dave

or one of his educated guessers tell you your future.

It's only 99 cents for the first minute,

2.50 each additional minute.

You can't afford not to have your future read

based on stereotypes.

(Jamaican accent) Call me now for a bumble-cluck reading!

(mumbling)

Hey, y'all,

flippity-flap, flippity-float, flippity-fleep,

here comes some jokes!

(announcer) For years, we've all watched celebrities accepting awards

get played off by the house orchestra

when their speech runs on too long.

My parents were really disappointed

when I dropped out of school for that year,

but I felt like I really just needed to find myself.

Word?

But then, you know, I was like, you know what?

Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know?

Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up,

she said, "girl, you have got to get down to Emery,

down to Hotlanta!

I was like Gina, number one,

why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me?

You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too.

Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to...

with "The Wrap It Up Box,"

you've got that same power, right in your pocket.

So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology,

and made a lot of friends and had a really good time!

So that was college, how about you?

From the makers of the Home Stenographer comes

"the wrap it up box!"

It's like being the director of an awards show

everywhere you go!

(pounding gavel)

Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers.

The crime you've committed was very serious,

and before I sentence you,

I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record...

What the hell?

Yo, the sign is real simple, "b",

it says, "wrap it up."

Wrap that shit up, "b"!

I don't think that's a good idea.

Man, you want some too?

You'd better wrap it up!

(pounding gavel)

You'd better wrap that gavel up, "b"!

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I was telling you.

With "The Wrap It Up Box," things will come to an end

at the perfect time...

whenever you want them to.

I'm gonna rock it tonight!

Have you ever felt this in your life?

I'm taking you on a journey, girl!

(moaning)

Psych!

Psych, you thought I was done didn't you?

It ain't over.

(music playing)

For real? Not even close?

Not even close.

Hold on, now, hang in there with me.

How about that?

Hey, can you read?

Wrap it up.

You need to wrap it up!

Wrap it up! (moaning)

That's a wrap!

Woo!

"The Wrap It Up Box," in stores now!

Available at all Walbogs.

Stop skipping your remedial class.

It's the finals, you're gonna need it to pass

and you don't need these big Brooklyn feet in your ass.

So keep my name out your mouth

and your mind on your task.

And if you think that I'm talking about you

in these bars.

If the shoe fits, shut the fuck up,

and walk it off.

It's Brooklyn.

Yeah, yes.

Hey, welcome back, gang.

Yes, welcome back.

Now, I don't know how many of you guys are from my generation;

the Pepsi generation, Generation "X", they called us.

I refer to us as the Reagan babies.

Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug-awareness week, right?

Now, I don't know if you guys know at home

what drug-awareness week is.

That is a week of drug education for children in schools.

And at the end of the week,

to really drive the point home to the youth,

they always have a real, live crackhead

come talk to the kids.

I know that was the case at my school.

And tonight, we have a tape of just such an event.

Please enjoy.

He's been away for a while but he's back around.

Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

The goofiest crackhead in the town.

Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

He kicked his habit back in the joint,

now he's back on point.

Look out crack, here I come!

(crashing)

He's finally home he's Tyrone.

(narrator) This week, Tyrone visits a local middle school

to promote drug awareness.

We have a very special surprise today.

Let's hear it for Tyrone Biggums!

(applauding)

Hi, kids!

Thank you very much, teacher!

It is truly an honor and a privilege

for me to be here at Pinehurst school,

or whatever your school is called, today.

I say it's a privilege,

because it's a violation of my parole to be around children.

But enough about that.

Hello, little boys and little girls.

Mm, mm, mm.

Kids, y'all are looking at a dead man.

I should not be in front of you today!

Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life.

I started doing drugs when I was little, just like you, fellow.

Me and my friends would go home

and smoke marijuana after school.

Can you say marijuana?

(all the children) Marijuana.

That's what I was smoking.

Sometimes, dipped in embalming fluid.

And me and my friends would laugh and giggle

and eat all the cookies!

It was terrible.

Terrible.

I can definitely say,

he was the absolute worst anti-drug speaker

in the history of drugs.

Then I upgraded to a little drug called acid...

very inexpensive and affordable.

Even young children could afford it... it's so bad.

I did two hits of that and Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo

and all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room

and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours.

God damn, talking about...

Tyrone go clean up your room.

And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this,

ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo

and then, he basically told them

where and how to buy the stuff.

We all know we can sneak into our mama's room

when she's sleeping,

and take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse,

run on down to Third Street, catch the "D" bus downtown,

and meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez...

We know that!

And we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb!

Kids, drugs is all around you.

How will I know when drugs around,

you might be asking.

Well, I'll tell you, use your magic markers.

What you think this is some kind of crayon?

No.

Take that cap off and sniff it. And you be high.

And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old.

You!

You know what dog food tastes like?

Do you?

It tastes just like it smells...

delicious!

I'm gonna show you how I go to the bathroom.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha!

(farting)

I thought the worst was over.

I was mistaken.

That, children, was the first time

I sucked a dick for crack.

But it wouldn't be the last.

Why, one time, I seen Martinez...

I'm trying to say something.

Thank you for that lovely and moving and graphic story.

You're welcome, teacher bitch!

I'm not finished, but that's all right.

Um, can I get cash for this?

I got some errands to run,

and I don't think I'm gonna make the bank.

Um, uh, uh...

It's my money, bitch!

I earned it!

Give me my speaker's fee!

Thank you, kids!

Goodbye!

He's been away for while but he's back around.

The goofiest crack head in the town.

He kicked his habit back in the joint.

Now he's back on point.

He's finally home, he's Tyrone.

(cheering)

Oh, my gosh.

Just so all you know, that's not real doo-doo.

I don't want to upset you.

It was a Snickers Bar,

we melted it.

The funny thing was, the dude that does the props

was melting the snickers bar for the sketch...

It's candy, you know, he's melting it.

But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like...

All right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

but don't go nowhere,

because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man.

The mighty Mos!

Stick around for more Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Better not bring your kids.

Hey, gang, welcome back.

Welcome back, man.

We are hanging in here, having some fun.

Please make some noise for my brother, Mos Def!

(cheering)

Pull up to your spot on low.

Shine brighter than all of the cats that got on glow.

Lay in the cut like they're not gonna know.

'Cause if I gotta make a move dog,

they're not gonna know.

This door marked private this is not for show.

It's Mos Def what you call real for sure.

Is they what you call gangster?

Hell no.

They get a little pinch and go snitch to the poor.

They all talk fast but they all think slow.

I'm most definite not think so.

Flood your city with the black ink flow,

and my crew ain't scared to let them things go.

So stop with the nonsense

like he conscious.

I'm just awake dog. I'm doing great dog.

I don't play games I don't player hate y'all.

Get it straight or get the fuck up out my face dog.

I'm like the second plane that made the towers face off.

This shit will let you know

it's really not a game dog.

Your grind and my grind ain't the same dog.

I'm the catalog you the same song.

So cool and old school like A-4.

doing the little mommies winding up their waist for

the one that real niggas got their hand raised for.

Me and D. Chappelle got it yellow taped off.

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

to the streets, to the beats,

the bitches, the niggas, the women, the children,

the workers, the dealers, the addicts, the killers,

the quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close.

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

to the edge, back, middle, and front.

Strong back shit lifting it up

from the big and the small.

I'm like J. Brown, getting involved.

And when I'm letting off a round don't get in the cross.

Have your preacher man talking low getting his cross.

Tell the wild card boy not to get off their horse

before they find out the town law is strictly enforced.

It's a real bad way to get your name in the source.

Test the limits of a dangerous force.

You ended up dumb, famous, and gone.

Your people shouting out your name in their song.

Pouring liquor on the day you was born.

Buying paint to put your face on the wall.

Come on fall back

it's no need for all that. It's all good.

We all here going all out.

All live all day listen when the song say...

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

to the streets, to the beats

the bitches, the niggas, the women, the children,

the workers, the killers, the addicts, the dealers,

the quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close.

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

to the edge, back, middle, and front.

Strong back shit lifting it up

from the big and the small.

I'm like J. Brown getting involved.

Now get yours.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang, diggy boom boom.

Bang it, bang it boom bang, diggy boom.

My man, Meek, hooked this up.

Yeah.

It's the bomb. It's pretty hot, right?

Yeah.

Now get close.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang diggy boom boom.

Good.

Yeah.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, Mos Def.

Mos Def.

I'd like to thank my guest, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,

everybody that helped me out this week.

I gotta say that he...

Yo, Chappelle!

Yo, wrap it up, "b"!

That's it, you're done, man!

Wrap it up, "b"!

You're done, wrap it up!

Right.

We'll see you next week!

(cheers & applause)

I'm rich, bi-atch!

(horn honking)

Hi, thank you!

Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

Oh!

Get out the way!

Go on, go on!

Ow!

(Dave Chappelle) Lick your fingers.

Crack!

Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life!