Original subtitles

Movies.

Vaginal. Anal.

Blowjob. Handjob. Footjob.

Coed. Amateur.

Milk. Reality.

Gangbang. Blowbang.

Beanbag. It's true. I once had a girl open her vagina and we threw beanbags

We had a good time.

I've shot.

Alt. Public sex. Private sex.

Twins. Big boobs.

Big butts. Big glitz.

Ball busting. Pink eye.

Interracial. grannies, teabagging, teabowing, planking, Tony dancing,

boosting, salad tossing, seafood insertion, moon pies,

boy girl, girl girl, boy boy girl, boy girl, midget girl, homeless man, turkey

drumstick.

Boy boy.

What am I, a pervert?

Of course not.

But I needed some work.

So I went to pitch a movie at Pain in the Ass Productions.

It was a great movie. A brilliant movie.

Night Train to Bonner Town.

And those bastards laughed in my face.

So I told my wife, for justice, we must go and see Don Corleone.

Justice Hornet. She would have been the star of the movie. They said no, so

she's really bummed.

I run the largest porno distribution company in the world.

I have all the big titles.

I have everything from anal to zanal.

Anyway, bonus time.

On this day of my daughter's honeymoon sex tape release party, I will grant you

one favor.

What is it you want me to do?

This I cannot do.

But I'll give you anything. Anything you want.

Okay, I'll do it.

What? You said I can have anything.

I want you to bring your wife over later so I can play Mythbusters with her.

She can play Myth.

Shit.

Now, where are my sons at?

Thank you.

Found something.

Good year.

um um

Oh, my

God.

Does it feel good?

Oh, fucking love that.

Shit.

I think I'll take my procedure.

Take you right there.

I'm done, sir.

That's the tip.

I want you all ready.

Michael. Yeah.

It happens every time my sister fucks a new husband.

Does she get married a lot?

Yeah. You count the nerdy older guy in part two.

And Rocky.

What about your brothers? Where are your brothers?

I don't see them around.

But there's my older brother, Sonny, which we probably just cut from him

some random porn girl.

And then there's Fredo.

My lovable, dim -witted, un -betraying family, and un -helping the enemy to

me out in the future, brother.

I love you.

Are you having fun, Kay?

Yeah.

Don... Don Julio.

Don Julio.

Michael, why is this... scary man over there talking to himself.

That is a scary man, Kay.

He has a cock the size of a baseball bat.

And he plays every girl like it's the World Series.

He ever strike out?

Only if she prefers tennis.

His name is Luca Bazzi.

My father calls upon him when he needs a good cocksmith to be in one of his

movies.

He's been the star of such movies as In the Ass Out the Mouth, Stiff Up a Lip,

And the big sleep, Triple X.

He played sleep.

That's a true story.

That's my family, Kay.

That's not me.

That can never be me.

Probably never ever could be me. I can't see how it could be me.

Probably impossible.

It's not me, Kay.

It's not me.

Never me, Kay.

Never ever me.

Never me, Kay.

Never me.

Me.

Hey!

Hey, you world -famous porn star, Jenny Fontaine.

Yeah.

My father is her godfather.

I have a problem, godfather.

My pussy's not going to stay tight forever.

You're right, Jenny.

Eventually, it's going to look like two pieces of raw bacon wrapped around a

knuckle. And every time you walk, it's going to make a sound like...

Loose

pussy is nature's corduroy.

A month ago, a producer said he was going to make a porn.

The biggest porn ever.

Jack, triple X parody.

And the main character was a girl like me.

A slut.

Yeah, exactly.

And she had to fuck 20 guys. And then after, she says, I'm so happy I had to

order all these pizzas.

And I'm happy that I didn't have money to pay for them.

And then she goes off and fucks the plumber with a strap -on.

You can act like a man?

I think so.

But that's not the problem.

He won't give me the part.

He said my blowjobs are subpar.

My lips look subpar to you?

Not to my penis.

What's his name?

Putt. That figures.

I'll take care of it.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

Somebody stole my animal head collection.

There's a horse head under here.

It'll be the best horse head you've ever had.

Oh.

Oh my gosh.

Bitches, you're fucking nuts.

My God.

when you're done with it.

Good touch.

Will you tell me when you come?

I'm about to fucking cum, I'm not funny.

Let me see it go in your mouth.

Thank goodness you're alright.

Yeah, she didn't have scabies like I thought.

No, actually, I mean because of all the violence starting to break out.

Oh, well, ignore that last part.

Michael, we got this this morning.

What is it?

It's a Sicilian message.

It means, Luca Bazzi sleeps with the bitches.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

Holy fuck.

You don't have to ask me.

Oh yeah.

They're coming to my car. Yes.

I love going all over the house.

Yes. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Fucking come on.

Let's take a fucking shower. I gotta go to work.

So, have you heard anything about

Pop's condition?

Yeah, it's still inside.

Shit. I was hoping that... Look, Mikey, we were all hoping that Tom here would

be smart enough to build a time machine so he could go back in time and stop Dad

from being shot, but he wasn't.

Thanks a lot, stupid.

Well, where's Dad now?

Look, I don't want to say this so anybody can hear, because anybody could

snitch.

He's in the hospital.

Well, I'm going to go protect him then.

You haven't exactly shown any signs of violent tendencies, but sure, why not?

Wow, that was a bad idea.

I can't believe the cops are on Fluxo's payroll.

It's a good thing you were able to fight them off. Man, I bet that was an

amazing scene.

Damn lots of intention.

It was amazing.

A real pulse pounder.

I feel sorry for anybody who didn't see that scene.

We know Flexo's in bed with McConsky, the chief of police.

And he wants to meet me.

So we should set up a meeting and I should take him out.

They're going to frisk me.

So we should find out where the meeting's going to be and plant a weapon

in advance.

Maybe the bathroom.

When they least expect it.

And then what, you take care of them?

Yeah. Okay, so that's the plan then. You're going to get up, you're going to

excuse yourself, and you're going to go to the bathroom. Say if I don't have to

go. Then you drink lots of water.

Okay. Okay? And then, when you're in there, you go tinkle. Then you flush the

toilet, you get out, and you wash your hands. Don't forget to use soap.

Then you're going to dry your hands off, you're going to find the piece, and

we're going to tape it underneath the toilet. That's a good idea.

It's Tom's idea.

Makes up for the time machine fail.

And remember, when you're done, just drop it and walk out.

How long will I have to be gone for?

At least 69 days.

Still glad you wanted to meet Michael.

I mean, after what happened with your father.

Sometimes it's good to forgive and forget.

You know, for business.

Well, you did say it was an accident.

Oh, it was.

My guys drift on their guns, accidentally shooting your father.

113 times in the back?

Yeah, the streets were slippery.

Now you have me here.

What business do you want to discuss?

I'm going to speak Italian to Mike now.

Whoever turns you on.

What's the matter? Why you no like me?

What do you mean? I like you a lot.

Why you no do business then?

Okay, deal, deal.

Deal's good.

Deal's very good. Deal. I'm so happy.

I love meatballs.

You love meatballs? You love meatballs. I love meatballs.

You got Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro.

What's the matter?

Excuse

me. I

need to use the bathroom.

What the?

Yeah, fuck.

Don't fuck.

Don't fuck.

Get up.

Get up.

Don't fuck.

Oh

Something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm here to claim my share of the fortune.

So we got this friend from Kenya. He sends me an email, right?

And he's saying that all of his money is tied up in customs, which is no

problem. Because all he needs is 500 bucks to get his money out of customs.

And that's perfect for me. Because I totally got 500 bucks right now.

Tell the prince to transfer my share to my checking account.

Have him call my accountant, Michael Goldstein.

Thanks.

Michael, you... Me.

Us. What happened to us, Michael?

One day everything was happy and the next day you just vanished.

I moved without telling you.

I didn't vanish.

What am I, a magician?

Sorry.

But I'm back, Kay.

I'm back because my family's dying off.

I know I heard about your father.

I'm so sorry.

Choking on an orange slice is not the way he wanted to go.

But I'm back.

And you and me could pick up where we left off.

But I'm scared, Michael.

Of what?

Of...

Clowns with axes.

And you.

Me?

I'm scared that you'll turn out the way that your father was.

Fat?

That'll never happen.

I have a high metabolism.

No, not fat.

You know how he was.

I'm not my father.

That'll never be me.

I'm Michael.

And I will always be inside you.

And you will always be inside my heart.

Oh, Michael.

Fuck, I jerked that cock around inside my pussy. Give it to me. Give me

that dick.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck. So fucking good.

You're so fucked.