Original subtitles

From the dating capital of the world, Hollywood, California, it's The Dating

Game!

And here's the star of our show, TV's master matchmaker, Tim Schlang!

Good evening! From dancing at the discotheque to ironing shag rugs, these

single gals are all experts at dating. Good luck, gals!

Single gal number one works at a nail salon, can't stand the smell of mustard,

and her main sport is the hula hoop.

One day, she hopes to become a rich and famous Playboy bunny.

From Laguna Beach, California, meet Jackie Jean Bradford.

Well, hello there.

Single gal number two collects stuffed bumblebees and one day even hopes to own

a zebra.

She would like you to know that if she could date any one celebrity, it would

Maxwell Smart.

Okie dokie. From Sycamore Falls, Ohio, meet Angela.

Hi, Tim. You can call me Angie.

You're cute, Angie. I'm rooting for you already.

Angela, you do know that Maxwell Smart is just a fictitious character from

television, right?

Nice to meet you.

And finally, we have single gal number three.

Born in the back of a delivery truck during a full moon, our third gal says

she's shy at first, but warm as bread pudding once she gets to know you. She

holds the Beaufort County title for most eyelashes and in her spare time likes

to make unusual jewelry out of baby shoes.

From Fairchild, South Carolina, meet Debbie Rickles.

Since the beginning of our show, we've gotten hundreds and hundreds of letters

from people who want to have a chance at love, just like our enthusiastic,

eligible bachelor, who we've been keeping in a soundproof booth. Let's

out right now.

During high school, he chalked up a flock of track and field awards,

best in show. He loves doing the hokey pokey, and according to him, he's made

over 23 plaster molds of his own penis.

Currently working as a used car salesman from Sacramento, California, Paul

Robert David.

Pleasure to meet you, Paul. That's an impressive collection.

Thanks, Tim. Thanks for having me on the show.

Excellent. So, you know the rules.

You have to pick one single lady based on their answers alone. You can ask our

bachelorettes any question you like, but you can't see them until you've chosen

one. You can only hear the ladies' answers, and you're not able to see

you must pick one based on their answers alone, all right?

All right?

All right.

All right. All right.

Okay, then. Single gal number one, please introduce yourself to our mail

bachelor. Well, hello there, Paul.

Bachelor at number two.

Hi, Paul. It's nice to meet you. Um, kind of.

And number three.

The pleasure is all mine.

Well, now that you've met our lovely ladies, it's time to ask them some

questions. As soon as we return to the dating game. Brought to you by Faboosh

Laundry Detergent. When you need a swoosh in your shirt, don't settle for

pennies. Have Faboosh at the ready.

Oh, Ms. Lang, excuse me. I think I need to get a touch -up.

I'll be back in a jiffy, okay?

Sure thing. Who cares?

So, Jack, when was a good time for you to do that hobbling?

Excuse me, ma 'am. I just need a little ketchup. I get nervous when I touch

my face.

Oh, of course, sweetie.

Why are you nervous?

Sit down.

Well, it's because I've never been on television before.

Well, let me see you.

You look beautiful.

Maybe just a little powder.

You know what usually helps me when I'm nervous?

Oh, yes.

to make you go right back on stage.

Ask these lovely ladies some questions.

Paul, you ready?

Good luck.

This question is for number one.

What would you most like to have happen when I say the word abracadabra?

Poop? Where are my clothes?

Okay, right on.

What can I say, Paul?

I'm not very basketball.

No, you're not.

Okay, number two.

I want you to make the sound of the animal that best describes your

Was

that a

sheep? Uh -huh. It was really good, huh?

Okay.

Number three.

If you could have one hour with the man of your dream, who would it be and what

would you do?

Oh, heaven, Paul.

Now, I'm a lady. I cannot reveal that kind of information on television.

Oh, come on, number three.

It's a secret between you and me, I promise.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Well, Paul, it looks like she's sticking to her gun. So how about you,

contestant number one? Can you answer the question?

Well, when I was a little girl...

I would watch westerns with my daddy and my favorite characters were always the

cowboys.

Ugh!

He just walks right off into the sunset.

Wowzers in your trousers, Paul. You sure do have a hard decision ahead of you,

if you know what I mean.

And from the looks of things, you certainly do.

Paul, what's your next question?

This question is for number three.

If I called you up at 4 a .m. and asked what you were wearing, what would be

your response?

Oh, my heavens, what a question.

Come on, number three. I'm trying to give you every chance I can.

My response would be a flannel. and you go back to sleep, you naughty man.

Okay.

Contestant number two.

If I was Santa Claus and you were sitting on my lap, what would you ask

Well, that's easy. I would ask you for ten wishes.

dead dog Jupiter to come back alive.

Angie, I'm guessing nobody explained Santa Claus to you growing up, did they?

I guess not.

Okay, so contestant number one, if I promise not to get fresh with you on

our first date, what will you promise me? If you promise not to get fresh with

me on our first date, I promise you I will.

Oh, wow.

Okay, number three. If I gave you a dime for every boy you've kissed, where

could you look for to take me on a date?

Well,

um, the most expansivest place in town.

Whoa, Nellie, I did not see that one coming.

I'm full of surprises, Tim.

Yes, you are.

Well, we're just about out of time, but... when we return from commercial,

here will ask one final question of the contestants before he chooses his date.

Brought to you by Bilko, hair in a can.

For the discerning gentleman who can't afford a toupee, Bilko has got you

covered.

Your bald spot, at least.

You scared me, kiddo.

I didn't mean to. I just wanted to tell you what a huge fan I am, Mr. Schling.

I used to listen to your radio show when I was giving my pet chinchilla dust

bath. You're not a duck, Angie.

Quack, quack.

Quack, quack is right. I bet you're into some freaky shit, aren't you?

I'll tell you what. Why don't you come to my dressing room and I'll show you

my...

Eight -track collection. Wow.

Really? Sure.

Wow.

Your dressing room is really nice, Mr. Shang.

Oh, you know, years of hard work and dedication, blah, blah, blah. So, you

many fellas?

Well,

I don't have too many girlfriends because, you know, other girls think I'm

or something.

And, um, my mother thinks I'm too promiscuous.

Does she now?

Yeah.

I don't see what the big look you do is, though.

I'd just like to do it.

Do... it?

Yeah.

See you next time.

Don't break my dressing room, please.

It's so big it barely fits down my throat.

Oh, so it fits somewhere else then.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's even better in the picture.

Oh, that's right.

I'll go freshen up. He's got a sexy voice.

I wonder which one of us scouts is going to choose.

Oh, come now. After your display, you really have to wonder.

You won't be on the edge of your seats much longer, Adi. Our bachelor is about

to choose his final date. But before he does, he has to ask one last question.

Paul, you ready?

What's your question?

I have one final question for number one.

If you were my wife, what would be your favorite smell?

Morning, noon, or night?

If I were your wife, my favorite smell would be morning because it would be the

smell of the eggs and coffee I'd make for you before you go to work.

We're going to answer it.

Well,

time's up. Paul, you've asked your final question, and now it's time to make a

decision. Do you think you can do it?

Heck yes, I'm ready.

All right, audience.

Will it be Bachelorette number one, the wannabe Playboy Bunny, Bachelorette

number two, the Freaky Duck, or Bachelorette number three, the beautiful

Southern Belle?

Who's it going to be, Paul?

I choose number one.

you meet your date. It's time to meet the gals you didn't choose.

Come on over, Debbie.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

You too.

Okay, contestant number three, Angie, come on over.

There you have it. After we return from the break, you'll finally get to see

Paul meet his amour.

Hey,

Debbie.

You okay?

After all, it's just a game.

Well... It's just... He was so dreamy, and...

I guess I just don't have the same sex appeal as Jackie.

Oh, come on. I think you're plenty sexy.

See, really.

Oh,

goodness.

I had no idea.

Well, you know, it's tough being against you, huh?

It's good man.

wearing your mustache right, are you?

What's the method?

Don't keep your makeup too messed up. You don't want to look like a whore for

the game show.

See you back, sweetheart.

should we have to get back to the show?

Welcome

back

to the exciting conclusion of the dating game.

Paul, it's time to meet your date.

Come on over, Jackie.

Okay, you two, cool it.

Or not. I don't really care. Let's hear about their date.

You and Jackie will be headed on a giant flying bird to Boca Raton, Florida,

where you'll be taking an airboat tour of the Loxahatchee Everglades, spying

pristine beaches from the backs of your couple's horseback ride, and

experiencing the rustic ambience of Lyle's Rootin' Tootin' Saloon and Motel

Truck Stop Inn.

Thanks, everybody.

Have a swell night.

Well, that's the end of the dating game where love is in the air, even if it's

windy. Tune in next week. Until then, happy dating.

I'm thinking about that cow.