Original subtitles

Baby, don't treat me right

Baby, don't wanna know

If she don't treat me right

She'll have to go go go go

Go go go go go

Gotta put baby right

Something she's gotta know

Baby, don't harmonize

She'll have to go go go go

Go go go go go

Warm up, warm up

You're colder than ice

Blow a storm up

Starting acting quite nice

Better be good to me

Maybe she ought to know

Better fish in the sea

She'll have to go go go go

Go go go go go

Go go go go go go go

Go go go go go

Go go go go go go go go go

- Good morning, sir.

- I've wasted half of it standing at the door.

- I'm sorry sir.

I was just about to grab ..

- Don't stand there stammering, man.

I want to see your masters.

- My what, sir?

- Masters Douglas and Francis Oberon.

- Well, they're still, I mean they haven't got.

I'll tell them you're here, sir.

What name, sir?

- Macdonald Junior, their solicitor.

- Very good, sir.

- And tell them that the news is grave

and that it is imperative that I see them both

at once immediately.

- Yes, sir, immediately, sir.

- It's true, it's Macdonald.

Does my brother know he's here, yet?

- No, not yet, sir.

- You'd better go and tell him, hadn't you?

- Yes, sir.

- Macdonald, young Macdonald.

- I wonder what's happened to old Macdonald.

- He's probably on the farm with a quack quack here

and a there.

- I don't like it, Francis. - Nor do I.

They only send Junior with bad news.

- Or to collect a debt.

- Anything in the kitty? - Very unlikely, sir.

- Who asked you?

Go and show him in the lounge,

tell him we'll be down in a jiffy.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh yes, Gilbert, bring the brandy.

- And the Port, I have a feeling we might need them.

- I hope I've made myself clear, gentlemen.

- Only too clear, cut off without a penny.

- Not a flaming sausage to our name, eh?

- I'm sorry.

- You're sorry, how do you think we feel?

- It's not my will, it's your late grandmother's.

- I only wish she were alive today.

- Right.

- I'd like to go and shoot her.

- Who's the lucky benefactor?

- A distant cousin, a spinster, Antoinette Oberon.

Twice removed, I believe.

- Once would be enough.

- I've never even heard of her, have you?

- She was born and lives in Corsica.

One of your cousins, now alas deceased,

married the Countess Garibaldi, now also alas deceased.

Antoinette, or Toni as she's known,

is the fruit of that union.

- A right gooseberry.

- She arrives in England tonight

and is coming down to view her property tomorrow.

- She's a fast worker, then. - Her train arrives at midday.

- High noon.

- I presume you'll be at the station to meet her.

- We can hardly wait.

- Splendid, then I think there's no more to be said.

- Good, then I shall ring for Gilbert to show you out.

Still amazing, eh, all these years

and I still go for the wrong one.

- You rang, sir?

- Gilbert, Mr. Quack Quack here is leaving.

- Well, it's all been most unfortunate, gentlemen,

but I expect you'll be able to come to some arrangement

with your cousin.

Good morning.

- Breakfast is served on the terrace.

- Thanks. - Cheers.

- Cheers.

Douglas, what are we going to do?

- One thing we must not do, old boy, and that's panic.

- Yes, but Douglas.

But Douglas, Douglas you don't seem to realize

how serious this position is.

- My dear fellow,

it'll seem much better after a good meal.

- A condemned man has a hearty breakfast.

Oh now, where the devil?

Et tu, Brutus?

- There's nothing for it, we're just going to have to go out

and earn our own living.

- You stupid, you can't suddenly go out to work

at our time of life.

- And we've got nothing to eat, we've got not income,

next we'll have nowhere to live,

position's desperate. - Alright, alright.

As your elder brother, I shall provide.

- Oh you'll provide. - For the ideas,

don't misunderstand me.

Now, as I, would you pass the marmalade,

please Francis?

Now as I see it, our salvation depends upon, thank you,

one of two things.

Marriage.

Or murder.

You can't be serious!

- Oh, but I am.

- But you, you can't just go around murdering people.

I mean it's, it's not nice.

- Marrying people isn't nice either.

- Yes, but think of the risks!

- Whichever we'll do, there will always the attended risks.

- Well, if we murdered her the police will be down on us

like a ton of bricks, you heard what Farmer Macdonald said.

Now if the girl dies--

- We inherit the lolly.

Don't you understand that's what

gave me the idea in the first place?

- Yes, but surely, but surely,

but surely marriage is the lesser of the two evils.

- My dear Francis, you're far too squeamish.

Where's the old Oberon bloody?

- It's in the old Oberon veins

and that's where it's gonna stay.

- What do you think our ancestors did

when faced with such a problem?

- Oh, I don't know and what's more, I don't care!

- They took the easy way out.

Have you quite forgotten Arthur Egbert

and Constantine Oberon?

Three generations of inspired assassinations

using every device from a rusty nail

to a cup of hemlock.

- Well what about Tristram Oberon, then, in 1756?

What about him, hey?

- Alright, so he boobed.

- And how he boobed.

About to push his wife into a barrel of wet cement

and the silly old fool tripped

and went in headfirst himself.

- He lived hard.

- He died hard.

Now I'm sorry Douglas, but murder

is out.

- Very well, then, just for the sake of argument

let's consider marriage.

- Good, well it's a sure way

of keeping the estate in the family.

- But whoever marries her won't be able

to tamper with the poodle, you know.

- Well, why not?

- She'll hold the purse strings.

She'll be the piper and call the tune.

Always there, and as long as she is, she'll be in the way.

- Well, I still think marriage is the best bet.

- Very well, then, if that's the way you want it

that's the way we'll plan it.

- Good.

Will you be having a white wedding?

Ah , no you don't, old boy, not me.

I'm for homicide, remember?

You're the potential bridegroom.

- Oh, but she'd never look at me, Douglas,

not with you around.

- She'll be very unlucky then, won't she.

- Yes, but think what's at stake.

- Very well, then, we'll toss for it.

Loser takes the plunge, agreed?

- Agreed. - Right.

Do you have a coin on you?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous. - Oh, there we are.

- Oh Douglas, not my coin

collection! - I'm only going to borrow

it Francis, there's a good chap.

Right, call.

- I'm not the marrying type.

- We'll soon see, call.

- Oh, heads. - Tails, unlucky.

- Oh wait a minute, how do I know it was tails?

- Well, there, see for yourself,

there it is. - Ah.

- Right, well congratulations, old fruit.

And I hope you'll both be very very happy.

- Hey, I wonder what she looks like!

- Well, does it matter?

- Well it helps, doesn't it!

The Oberons have all been a pretty repulsive bunch,

apart from me.

- I wonder if there's a photograph

of dear cousin Toni anywhere, where's the family album?

- Gilbert might know.

- Yes.

Gilbert!

Gilbert!

Ooh!

- Idiot, we called you to help us find the album.

- Stamps, sir?

- Family photographs, fathead.

- Excuse me, please, sir.

Would this be what you wanted, sir?

- Thank you. - A lot of

loose ones in the back here.

Ooh I say, what a repulsive little monster.

Is that you, Douglas? - No, no, no,

it's you, sir.

- Here's something, Toni aged four months.

Good Lord, she's a hairy little devil.

You're looking at the rug, old boy.

- Oh yes, still you can't tell much from it.

- Can't even be sure it's a girl, can we?

Can't we find her mother's picture anywhere?

- Yeah, like mother like daughter,

oh this is her!

Oh good grief.

Oh dear!

- Oh it's all very well for you to laugh,

but supposing Toni looks like that.

- It's all in a good cause,

old boy. - Oh hang

the good cause, if you think I'm going through

with that marriage--

- There's always the alternative, you know.

- You mean murder. - Precisely.

- Douglas, Douglas can't we pack it in now?

We've been trying all day to find a way to murder her,

and we can't.

- We could do worse than study the methods of the past,

you know, hanging, garotting, burning, poisoning.

We got a quite a vogue in Queen Anne's day.

Of course we've gotta be more modern than shooting, and,

ooh, nuclear explosion.

- Douglas. - Mm?

- Couldn't she just meet with a little accident.

- She could meet with a big accident!

There isn't a safe spot in the whole house, is there?

I mean, apart from us the only things that thrive here

are dry rot and deathwatch beetle, and of course Gilbert.

The point is where?

- Well, somewhere quiet and out of the way

like the wine cellar?

- The wine, absolutely first class idea.

I can see it all now.

Lean on a crumbling beam, trip over a loose floorboard

and before you can say night, you're under a ton of masonry.

Crash!

- Ah!

- Your drinks, sir?

- Thank you.

Oh Gilbert, my brother and I are seriously thinking about

writing another novel.

- Oh really, sir? - Yes!

- Well, I hope it enjoys more success

than the last one, sir.

- Thank you.

- May I suggest a little more feminine appeal, sir.

- Thank you, well now in this novel there's this girl,

you'll see, this distant cousin, and she inherits

the estates and wealth of a very old family

where the grandmother dies, you with me?

- Yes, so far, sir. - Good.

Well, really, of course it should go

to the present tenants, the rightful owners,

two brothers they are, sort of heroes of the story.

- Something like your own case, sir.

Ah, oh, yes , it is rather.

Yes, well now their problem is how to neutralize her,

whether by marriage or murder.

- Murder, you mean, like electrocuting her in the bath, sir.

- Oh thank you, Gilbert, we hadn't thought of that one.

- You do prefer murder, then?

- Under the circumstances, sir,

I don't think you can do any better.

Girl in bath, very provocative, sir.

- Yes, well that will be all, thank you Gilbert.

- Yes, sir.

- On earth's come over Gilbert?

Really no idea , we'd better make a few notes.

Do you have a scrap of paper anywhere?

- In the desk.

Alright.

- Oh no, there's only this old Life

magazine. - Well that'll do,

that'll do.

Right, headed marriage or murder, subject Toni, underlined.

- Oh well, surely that's not necessary,

after all we know who we're going--

- We'd better jot it down just in case

we forget something quite vital in a moment

of enthusiasm. - True.

- Write one, attempt in wine cellar.

- Wine cellar.

- Two, push from Jacobean tower.

- Push from tower,

that's very good. - Yes, a sort of

push for money, it's just very good.

Three, better be the fall from the cliffs.

- Did you hear their

car? - Might be coming

by road instead of train.

- Oh but she's too early, it's not fair!

Oh, there's no match doubt about who she is.

- The spitting image of her mother.

- Well that settles it, marriage is out, it's murder.

- Agreed. - The wine cellar?

- Do you think she'll fit into it?

- Good morning, madam.

- Oh.

I'm a reporter.

My name's Richards from True Woman,

True Woman Magazine, you know.

Are they in?

- Who, madam?

- The Oberons.

- Will you excuse me, please madam?

There's a lady journalist from London to see you.

- Tell her we're out.

- Yes, well she says she represents True Woman.

- She looks more like four women.

- No, no, no, he said

true women. - Oh, I thought he said

two women.

- Well, I should imagine that's about--

Miss Richards of True Woman Magazine.

- Oh, well how do you do?

You must have a very big circulation.

- For a moment, we thought you were

somebody else. - Oh now,

you mustn't apologize, no, I'm the one that should be sorry

for busting in on you like this, but I thought,

well, you know, strike while the iron's hot.

You're the cousins, of course.

- Huh? - I beg your pardon?

- Miss Oberon's cousins, would it be possible

for me to see her?

- No.

- I'm afraid not, she doesn't arrive until noon.

- High noon.

- In fact, we're just off to the station now to meet her.

- Oh, I say it's rather naughty of me

to be so precipitous. - Yes.

- Is there anything we can do?

- No, no, you see I want to write an article

on Miss Oberon, you know, Corsican peasant takes over

English ancestral home, well you know, that sort of thing.

- Look here, we're not to be bombarded by the press, are we?

- Oh no, no darling, no, no, no, this is quite exclusive.

Our Mediterranean correspondent tipped me the wing

and I thought we'll get in there, you see,

have a little interview, take a few photographs, you know.

Oh!

I forgot Arnold!

- Arnold? - Arnold?

- Yes, he's True Woman's ace photographer.

He's a little bit, you know, but marvelous,

absolutely marvelous, and I won't be a jif.

Arnold!

Arnold, come along my darling.

Lots of gorgeous pictures to take in here.

Buck up!

There's absolutely nothing this man can't do with a camera.

Arnold, my love, these two gentlemen

are Miss Oberon's cousins.

- How do you do?

Please leave this to me, Francis, would you?

Let's be a champ, take this off your neck.

Just turn around.

- Miss Oberon hasn't arrived yet, Arnold,

but I'm sure these gentlemen will allow you

to take a few photographs.

- Oh no, it wouldn't be at all.

- Well, not for the whole night.

- The floor I think looks great fun.

Oh, what a magnificent room.

Arnold, let's have an exciting picture of the fireplace.

Not too twee puppet, bless you.

- Oh, let's get them out of here!

- What a gorgeous old homestead.

Must be a terrible blow to have to leave it.

- Well, I should say it is.

- Not really, we knew it would have to happen

sooner or later, we're just waiting

to show our cousin around before we say goodbye.

- Yes, personally I'm a bit worried about it.

- Oh, why?

Living in these

old houses isn't all hay, you know,

especially for women.

- Oh, I'm madly intrigued, why especially for women?

- Well now, take our aunts Clarissa and Zelda, for example.

- Oh yes.

- Why, what happened to them?

- Go on, Francis, tell her what

happened to them.

- You see, no sooner had they inherited the estate then--

- Clarissa under the impression she was a fish,

dived into the lake and never came up again.

- Oh. - Poor old trout.

- You can see the very spot from this window here.

- Just over there. - There, father turned

the lake into a swimming pool when he opened

the grounds as a nudist colony for the women's institute

at the age of 75.

- And then six months later he died of a rare disease

called ecstasy, took the undertaker a week

to wipe the smile off his face.

Oh!

I must remember

that one. - Happens to be true.

- Oh.

Arnold.

- I do hope dear cousin Toni hasn't been effected, you know?

- Yes, I wonder, heredity and all that.

We've quite lost track of that branch of the family.

- I don't suppose you know anything about her?

- Well, I did glean a few points

from my French correspondent.

Ah!

- Apparently her parents died when she was young,

she was brought up in a convent,

she lived a very sheltered life.

- Well, we intend to change all that.

- She likes simple foods,

spaghetti Bolognaise is her favorite dish.

- Spaghetti, make a note of that, Francis, will you?

- I can't, the book's in the other room.

- Very simple, surely you can remember--

spaghetti, can't you?

- And she likes an occasional glass of Beaujolais.

- Beaujolais, thank you very much Miss Richards,

you've been most helpful.

- Oh, and she's an early riser, which reminds me,

where is she sleeping?

- Oh, up in Nanny's room.

- And Nanny? - She has no

need of a room for herself.

10 years ago she fell down the well.

- And kicked the bucket.

- Arnold, let's take a photograph of Nanny's room.

It's going to be Miss Oberon's boudoir.

- Excuse me, allow us to prepare the room.

We have got that train to meet, you know.

- Oh, yes, of course, what must you think of me?

Of course when I want a story, you know, I get quite

carried away with enthusiasm, perhaps I could call again?

- Please do.

- Naturally I'll give her time to settle in.

How about tonight?

Tonight?

- Yes, I thought about nine o'clock, after dinner?

- No. - We shall

look forward to that.

- Oh, love you both.

Arnold!

Can be a drag sometimes, you know.

No, no, dear, we're moving.

- Oh, I say do you see what I see?

- Come over here, see what I can see.

- Can I help you, Miss?

- Oh, no.

- Transporter?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I am waiting for somebody, you know?

- Could we be of any assistance?

- Oh, you're most helpful but I'm being met by my cousins.

- I say, what an extraordinary coincidence.

We're actually here to-- - Did you say cousins?

- Well, I was told they'd be here.

- Well you wouldn't, oh no.

No, it's not possible.

- You're, you're not--

- Not Toni, by any chance?

- Oui, I'm Toni, then you must be my cousins?

- Indeed yes. - Yes.

- Douglas and Francis. - Well, actually I'm Douglas.

- I'm Francis.

- Oh, I'm so glad to meet you.

- Not half as glad as we are to meet you, lucky.

- Who is that?

- That, oh, you mean this,

oh that's just Gilbert, he's only our man.

- Hmm.

I wish I had such a man.

- She's joking, of course.

- Well, I say, what about the baggage?

- Yes, what about that?

Oh sorry, old boy, touch of the old fibrocitis.

- Douglas. - Hmm?

- What are you thinking?

- Same as you are, have you ever seen anything

quite so, oh.

- Never.

Oh, I think under the circumstances,

we'll certainly have to abandon that ridiculous idea--

- Sure, and reconsider marriage, aye.

Yes, she'll be like putty in my hand.

- Putty?

Don't be so disgusting, Francis.

You know, to save a whole on the bother,

I think I'll marry her myself.

- Ye--

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh no.

Marriage was my idea, remember?

- For me, in the first place.

- Yes, but you turned it down flat,

and you lost the toss into the barg.

- Oh don't be so stupid Francis.

Oh shut, I don't care what you say.

I'll have no argument whatsoever.

What's the idea of putting Miss Oberon in the front?

- Well she says she gets funny in the back, sir.

- Really?

- You don't mind, do you?

- No. - Of course we don't mind.

You do exactly what you want.

Where are you going?

- Well I find riding in the back makes me feel

a bit dicky as well.

- Oh.

- You said yourself you weren't the marrying kind.

- Yes, well I've changed my mind.

I've decided I might be able to adapt myself after all.

- Don't strain yourself.

I have a feeling you're not going to get the chance.

- Meaning you're going to stop me?

- Precisely.

- Oh.

Nice to know where you stand.

Just you try.

- Francis, you're adopting a very childish attitude.

- I never thought it would so beautiful.

- Neither did we. - Neither did we.

- I can't wait to go inside.

- This way. - This way.

- It's all so magnifique.

It takes my breath away.

Are these some of my ancestors?

- Yes.

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

- Why?

Don't I look like them?

Don't I look like her, for instance?

- What, that ugly old bag?

Good heavens no.

- No, no.

Mind you, she was considered quite a beauty in her day.

- I want to be painted in oils, too.

- I'll have to clean my brush.

- I cannot tell you how happy I am to be here.

I'm sure I would love every moment of it.

And you're both so sweet.

He too, is very sweet.

- Shall I, um, shall I put these in your room, miss?

- Thank you.

Where am I going to sleep?

- Well, we--

- Uh, we put a hot water bottle in the bed in Nanny's room.

You English.

- Gilbert, will you take Miss Toni to her room?

- Yes, sir.

- Uh, pardone?

If there's anything that I can do for you,

you only have to say the word.

- Thank you, you've both been very kind.

- Oh, she's lovely.

- Lovely?

Is that the best you can do?

She's the most gorgeous creature that ever walked the Earth.

- Yes.

And she is mine.

- She's not, you know, she's mine.

- I won the toss.

- I don't care.

A woman like that would be wasted on you.

- Oh, is that so? - Yes, that is so.

- Oh well we'll see soon about that.

We'll see soon about that, you insuperior rocker.

- What a beautiful room.

- Yes, it's very pleasant, miss.

You can see the sea from that window over there.

- Oh.

What a romantic view.

Everything is so wonderful and exciting.

I've never felt so happy.

What a charming bed.

Is it comfortable?

- Well, I've, I've never slept on that bed, miss.

I can't say.

- Well come and test it and see.

- I beg your pardon, miss?

- Come on.

- Very well miss.

- Now don't you find that comfortable?

- Yes.

Very.

Very comfortable, miss.

Well, may I be on my way, miss?

- Yes, thank you Gilbert.

- You must be out of your tiny Chinese mind

if you think I'm gonna stand back and let you marry her.

- There's nothing you can do about it, old boy.

Once I turn on the old Oberon charm,

you won't stand a chance.

- Oh, no, you seem to forget that I'm an Oberon, too.

I can turn on my old charm.

- Yes, mine's older, more mature.

I have a feeling she'll go for maturity.

Mature?

Senile.

You're getting to the age where you're relieved

if a girl says no.

- Senile, aye?

Well just watch the old man at work.

You might pick up a thing or two.

- Yes, including the old man.

- Oh go and fly your kite.

- We can't carry on like this you know.

One of us has got to give way.

- Well it's not going to be me, Douglas.

- Very well then.

If I can't have her, you're not going to.

- Well that ridiculous 'cause if neither of us

has her, then somebody else might

and they'd not only get her, they'd get the money,

and they'd get all of us as well.

- Very well, very well. - What?

- We'll scrub matrimony if we can't agree on the groom.

- Well, well, what else do you suggest?

- That we revert to my method.

The, uh,

she'll have to go.

- Seems such a dreadful waste.

Is there nothing else to do?

- I'm afraid not.

It's got to be the wine cellar,

and if that fails, we've got the cave, the cliff,

the quarry, of course the Jacobean tower.

I wonder if she's still in her room.

- I don't know.

Hey, where are you going?

- Off to bait the trap in the cellar.

- Now wait a minute, you're not letting me

join in anything, are you?

Alright, clever dick, even if you set a trap in the cellar,

how are you going to get Toni down there?

- Easy, my dear fellow.

Miss Richards is coming here to see her, isn't she?

- Yes.

- Very well, I shall suggest a little drink

as a sort of a celebration.

- Go on.

- And then I shall say the magic word, Beaujolais,

and invite Toni down and help me select a bottle--

Pardon?

- I'll say Beaujolais, shall I?

- You will say Beaujolais?

- Hm.

Hm.

I shall say Beaujolais and invite down into the cellar

to help me select a bottle and I'll,

well I have no need to tell you happens then, have I?

- Yes.

- Have you no imagination whatsoever?

She gets her foot caught in the noose

and the bloody ceiling caves in.

Now do you understand? - No I don't!

- Shh. - Sorry.

- I so want to be an only child, I really do.

- Douglas?

Can't I help?

- No, you've got to stay up here and keep cavey

while I nip down.

- You sure you can manage?

- It's as easy as falling off a log, I won't be long.

- Good hunting.

Is everything going all right Douglas?

- Couldn't be better, boy.

- You gonna be much longer?

- Barely.

Now off you go.

Whoa.

There's nothing more satisfying than a job well done.

- I only hope it works.

- Don't be such an old worry Gus,

it can't possibly fail.

- But then we've got to consider the body--

Building exercises.

You ought to take some Gilbert, build yourself up.

Get about your work, man.

- Yes, sir.

Oh.

Miss Richards and her associates.

- Oh.

There you are.

I do hope we're not too early.

- Timed to perfection, wouldn't you say, Francis?

Gilbert, run upstairs to Nanny's room.

Tell Miss Oberon Miss Richards is here, will you?

- She's not in her room, sir.

- Not in her room?

- No, sir. - Positive?

- Why yes, I've just been in there tidying up.

- Well perhaps she's in the, uh--

- No, no, no.

She's not in there, sir.

- You mean you went in?

- No, sir, the door was ajar.

- I wonder where the hell she can be.

- Do you think something could have happened to her?

- I haven't thought of that.

I wonder.

Uh, but we'll organize a search immediately.

I'll cover the place from top to bottom.

I'll look upstairs.

- I'll look in the cellar.

- Uh, Francis, not in the cellar.

- Oh lord no.

- It's damp down there.

Gilbert, go outside and have a look around

the grounds, will you?

And behind the black--

Would you excuse me, please?

- Yes, of course.

- Toni!

Toni!

Miss Toni!

Miss Toni!

Miss Toni!

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

- Well I've been searching everywhere for you, Miss Toni.

- No, please do not come any closer.

I have no clothes on.

- Hm?

- No clothes on.

- Right, I hope you don't catch a cold, miss.

- Oh, no.

Be a good boy and pass me my clothes.

- Yes, miss.

- Merci.

You're very sweet.

But what brought you out here?

- You, miss.

- Me?

- Don't misunderstand me, Miss Toni,

but Mr. Douglas and Mr. Francis were concerned when

we couldn't find you in your room.

- Oh.

Is that all?

- No, Miss Richards and her colleague with the camera

are up at the house to see you.

- Oh.

I quite forgot.

How naughty of me.

We must go back at once.

Can you run, Gilbert?

- I can always try, miss.

- Good, good.

- Any luck?

- Not a snip.

I can't even find Douglas.

- Did you move?

- I pulled the wrong blasted lever again.

Have you found her?

- No, I've searched every crook and Nanny.

- Every crook and--

- Every crook and ninny of the galleries

and she's not there.

- She can't be in the house.

No.

- Mademoiselle Richards, I owe you and apology.

- Oh, you mustn't dream of apologizing, my dear,

but we were rather worried about you.

- What have you been up to Gilbert?

- Nothing, sir.

- "Nothing, sir?"

You come in here panting like a bulldog with sand

in your ears and say you've been up to nothing?

That's a likely story.

- I've been running, sir.

- Yes, running after me.

- Oh he was, was he?

- We'll have words with you later, Gilbert.

Go off now and fix yourself up.

You look positively disgraceful.

- Yes, sir.

- Poor Gilbert.

- Nevermind about "Poor Gilbert."

We're very cross with you.

- Please don't be cross with me.

- We sort of take the responsibility for you.

- It was such a lovely evening.

Such an exciting time.

- Really?

What exactly did you do?

- First I climbed the Jacobean tower.

- The Jacobean tower?

Yes.

- You could have broken your neck.

- Then I found some old caves, which I explored.

- Nobody's ever gone in the caves

and come out alive.

- I did.

And then there was a carry.

- A carry?

Oh, you mean the quarry.

You mean the quarry?

- Yes.

You didn't go inside?

- Well I did.

It was very difficult, but I managed it.

- That sounds very fun.

- Then I had a long walk along the--

- Along the cliffs.

Mhm. - Yeah.

All along the edge.

- The edge. - The edge.

You haven't left us very much to show you, have you?

- Well I'm sure there will be something I've forgotten.

I had a wonderful bath.

- Very well, get your wet costume off and give it

to Gilbert to dry for you.

- But I have no costume.

- I see.

Do you mean you've been swimming in the--

- Mhm.

It was lovely.

I wish you could have been there.

- Strangely enough the same thought was running

through my mind.

- Mademoiselle Richards you must think terrible things

about me.

- Oh no, not at all, my dear.

I often bathe in the nude all together myself.

- Do you mind if I show Mademoiselle Richards

over the house?

- Oh but of course not, my dear.

It's yours, it's all yours.

- How about a little drink before you start

your tour, eh?

- What a nice idea.

- Something special.

After all, this is an occasion.

The inheritor coming back to claim her inheritance.

How about a bottle of--

- Of Beaujolais?

- You'll never learn, will you?

- My favorite one, how did you know?

- Well a little bird told us.

Well, I'll go to the cellar to select a bottle.

You couldn't care to come with me, would you, Toni?

No, I don't suppose you would.

- Why not?

- Well, it's so dark and spooky down there.

Much too much for a nervous girl like you.

- I'll show you.

I'll go down by myself.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- I insist.

- Well Douglas, it is her cellar.

- Very well then, but do take care.

The wine rack is behind the large, upright pillar.

You can't miss it.

- Watch your step.

- Nothing would seduce me to go down there alone.

- Well you did how she insisted, did you?

- Yes.

She'll be alright, won't she?

- Did you hear that? - What happened?

- I'm going down to find out.

Ow!

- Oh.

Oh what a tragedy, Miss Richards.

Oh, she was so young and pretty.

She had so much to live for.

You should be down there.

- Are you alright my dear?

- Don't worry about me.

Worry about him.

Hold it.

Dr. Fletcher.

We sent for Dr. Merriwether.

It's Gilbert.

Gilbert.

Yes.

Dr. Merriwether is a bit indisposed,

so I've taken over for a couple of days.

- I thought you'd been put away,

I mean, resting for the last 10 years, sir.

- Oh, I had a bit of trouble.

I'm shortsighted, you know,

but I've got me glasses, I'm alright now--

Sorry Gilbert.

- I think you'd better see Mr. Francis, sir.

- Mr. Francis, that's a good idea.

Hello, that was quick.

Francis.

I haven't seen you for years.

You ought to get your hair cut, boy.

Now then, what's the trouble?

Let's have a little examination.

- No, no. - Francis, don't be nervous.

Francis, come here, stop.

Well.

Oh, speaking French.

Hallucinations.

Well, don't worry Francis.

Right, open your shirt, come on.

Oh.

- Dr. Fletcher, that is not the patient.

That is our cousin, she's a girl.

- A girl? - Yes.

My brother is upstairs.

You've quite recovered from your breakdown now, doctor?

- Oh yes, good as I was 10 years ago.

- I really hope so.

My brother seems to be in the most frightful state.

- That's a funny sound.

- It's my brother moaning.

- Is he injured?

- Well of course he's injured.

- That's why he's moaning.

Where is he?

- In there, please, doctor.

Here, doctor?

- There's a man in there.

- Well I know, it's my brother.

- He's got a pair of brown boots coming out of his head.

- What?

Those are his feet, doctor.

His head's at the other end.

Now, please. - Oh sorry.

Leave it to me.

Now.

Hello, what is it?

- Dr. Fletcher.

- Oh, I'm so glad you've come.

I wanted a second opinion.

I think it's a case of brown boots.

- No, you are Dr. Fletcher, you forgot your bag,

and please remember, my brother's in pain.

He's inclined to lose his temper, and be gentle.

- Don't worry, leave it to me.

I'll see him now.

Where is he? - Dr. Fletcher.

In there.

The gentle approach.

Thank you.

Now, how are we?

- What are you looking for?

- Life.

- Aren't we all?

I must say, you've chosen a fine member

to go aesthetic on us.

- I don't understand, it's not here.

Um, thank you Gilbert, that will be all.

I'll attend to Mr. Douglas.

- Very good, sir.

- Well I like the way you just dismissed

my only means of propulsion like that, thank you.

- Will you shut up?

It's the Life Magazine, I can't find.

The one we wrote our notes on.

- Oh dear, that's a bit dodgy, isn't it?

It must be around somewhere.

In any case, if anyone read the notes,

they would make head or tail of them.

- Well I don't like it.

- Francis, will you please stop pacing up and down

like an expectant father.

Where's Toni?

- Oh, the doctor drove her into Hambring to do

some shopping.

- And that's another thing.

I'm gonna change that doctor.

Next time I'll call a vet.

Look all he's done.

All I did was sprain my uncle and look at it.

I feel like an iced bun.

- Well you did a damn sight more than sprain your ankle.

- That's what you think.

That's what everyone thinks, including that witch doctor,

that I'm a poor, helpless cripple confined to

my wheel chair, unable to stand,

most certainly not able to walk.

It might be very, very useful.

- What are you talking about?

- Who could possibly suspect me if Toni

were found strangled up in Nanny's room, eh?

What an alibi.

- Douglas, you can't stand on it, can you?

Can't I?

Just watch Daring Dougie.

It's very curious, but I can manage it.

No, don't, I can manage.

- Sorry. - Oh, get out of the way.

There we are.

- Do you really think you can manage it?

- It's as easy as falling off a log, old boy.

- Yes, well you said that the last time, old boy,

and the log fell on you.

- Alright, if you've got a better scheme, go ahead.

- Well, when would you do it?

- Tonight.

First I'll have to rid of you and Gilbert

or we've got no alibi.

All I need is poor, crippled me, Toni,

and an empty house.

- Telephone's dead.

I'm going to go down with Gilbert to the

village now. - Good.

- How long do you need?

- About half an hour.

- You sure you don't want me to help you?

- No, you just pop off and leave this to the man

of the family, will you?

- Yes, Douglas.

- Why did Gilbert and Francis went away?

- Well, they've gone to report the telephone.

It's out of order.

- You know I got a little surprise for you.

- Really?

What a coincidence, because I've got a little surprise

for you, too.

- Something from Corsica. - Oh?

Oh, Toni, quite beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- You know it can play music, too.

- Really?

Oh.

I'd like to sing you a serenade of Corsica

Serenade of Corsica

I'd like to show you how love is made in Corsica

Beneath the orange tree

When you'll be kissed by a thousand maids in Corsica

Fires burn in Corsica

That is the way of a man and maiden in Corsica

Beneath the orange tree

At the close of a golden day

Come where the pine trees sway

Love and dream while we're wide awake

You're in my arms in Corsica

Mandolins and soft guitars

Under a million stars

Ever more, you will want to stay

Here in my arms in Corsica

They say beware the flashing blade in Corsica

Passionate in Corsica

But if you love, you are not afraid in Corsica

Beneath the orange tree

I'd like to sing you a serenade of Corsica

Serenade Corsica

I'd like to show you how love is made in Corsica

So come along with me

Come along and see

Come along with me

- Oh, poor Douglas.

Tied to that chair.

Forgive me.

Let me pour you a drink.

Hello there.

- That that woman again.

- I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- Well no, no.

- I saw the door open, I thought well I'll just breeze in

and how's our poor little invalid tonight?

- Awful. - Oh, I'm so pleased.

- Do you want something-- - No, thanks.

I've just popped in for a second,

and I thought I'd bring the first draft of my article

before my editor reads it.

- Oh, so soon.

That seems very quick.

- Oh my dear, I dashed it off in a flash.

It was a perfect scoop.

But I do need to tell you, your accident was absolute.

Well darling, I'm terribly sorry, but I just can't stay.

- Are you sure?

- Oh positive.

I left Arnold alone somewhere.

I can be terribly viceful, you know?

Well goodbye, good fellow.

Bless you.

- When would you like this back?

- Well we go to press on Friday.

What about Thursday morning?

- Very well.

By the way, I have a camera myself, so,

maybe I can take some more photographs for you.

- Oh my dear, you're an absolute wizard.

Well good night, Miss Oberon.

- Bye.

- I think you behaved rather rude

to Mademoiselle Richards.

- Blasted news hawk, using my accident as copy.

- Poor Douglas.

Shall I read you what she has written?

- There's nothing I'd like better.

- "Rescued from the ruin.

"I was poised, ready to explore the lovely home

"of French heiress, Antoinette Oberon..."

Douglas, you can walk.

How marvelous.

- Give me a hand, Toni.

I can't go much further.

- Come on Douglas.

You're doing wonderful.

Come on, you got so far, you can come further.

- Oh no.

Toni, give me your arm.

Toni, help me.

- I am helping you, Douglas.

I'm giving you confidence.

Think how proud Francis will be when he sees you.

Now, come on.

Come on.

Toni waits for you.

Was it too much for you?

- I can't.

I can't.

- Nevermind.

- Doug?

Douglas?

- Francis.

- You?

But,

where's Douglas?

What have you done with him?

- But I have been done nothing.

He's just over tired, that's all.

- Over tired?

What's he been doing to you?

- Trying to catch me.

- But he didn't?

- But Francis, Douglas can walk.

Isn't that marvelous news?

- Marvelous.

- I feel a little tired, so, if you don't mind,

I think I will go to bed now.

- Not at all.

- Good night Francis.

- Now what happened?

What went wrong?

You look half dead.

- I'm finished, old boy.

We were here on the sofa,

and she actually had the scarf around her

lovely little throat and I even had hold of the scarf.

- Why didn't you pull it?

- I don't know, I just don't know.

- Well I don't believe it, the mighty Douglas,

the man of the family, defeated.

- I know when I've met my match.

- Do you think she suspects?

- I don't know, I just don't know.

- Then we can try again.

- She's beaten us, old boy.

- She's beaten you Douglas.

She hasn't beaten me.

You've had two go's, and you've completely

ruined both of them.

Well now, it's up to me to take over the role of the,

of the man of the family.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm going to raise the stakes.

The first one to kill her gets two thirds of all

that's to come, agreed?

- Yes, yes, anything you say, Francis.

- And it's my turn, and my chance,

to prove that I am a man.

- Francis, don't go.

You know I don't like being left alone,

please don't leave me alone.

- Stop it, I can't bear to see you like this.

Now just stay down here and keep quiet.

This is my moment of truth, not yours.

- Why did you come to my bedroom, Francis?

- To prove I'm not a mouse.

Oh no, I mean, I wondered if you'd like

your pencil sharpened.

- How sweet of you.

Well good night, Francis.

Good night.

- Well?

- Oh, no.

- Well what went wrong?

- I don't know.

I just don't know.

- Brankson?

Brankson?

- Oh, Mr. Brankson, sir, he's gone,

he's gone up around the corner.

He's gone to the bank, sir,

he'll be back in a minute.

But perhaps I can mix something for you?

Is there anything I can do?

- Well you can keep your voice down, for a start.

- Why, what's the matter?

- Oh, well, I um, I've got rats.

- Rats?

Oh.

You wanna watch them.

Sometimes they...

- Yes, quite.

I was wondering what you could possible suggest

to get rid of them.

- Poison.

- I was rather hoping you'd say that.

- Yeah, with poison.

That's what we'll do.

Poison 'em.

Poison 'em, that's what we'll do.

Poison 'em.

They multiply you, know. - Quite, yes.

- I'm only helping you, you see.

- Yes. - That's right.

Here we are, sir.

- Oh is that the largest packet that you have?

- Um.

You want the family size?

- That'll do nicely, yes.

- Yes, I see, sir.

Well, we'll get the...

- Just put it on the slate, will you?

- Yes sir, right, sir.

I'm only helping you, sir.

- Yes, quite.

- Oh, good afternoon, I wonder if you can help me.

I had mice in my pantry.

- Oh, your father was in a moment ago.

He got rats in his cellar.

- My father?

How did he look?

I'm not surprised, he's been dead for 10 years.

- You wanna watch them rats.

- I think you have me mixed up with somebody.

I wanna poison some mice.

- What sort of mice?

- Well I don't know the types.

Male and female?

- You've got some little breeders there.

We've got to hurry.

- Oh.

- Sorry, miss, I was miles away.

- I'm glad you're not, Gilbert.

What are you thinking?

- Just how different everything is since

you've been here, miss.

- A few flowers makes all the difference.

- Oh it's not only the flowers, miss, it's,

well I suppose it's having a young lady around the house.

Well forgive my asking, Miss Toni, but,

will you be staying on, I mean together with

Mr. Francis and Mr. Douglas?

- I haven't yet made up my mind.

Why?

- Well.

I was only wondering, miss.

- Where's my cousins?

- Uh, I think they went into Hambring, miss.

- Oh.

Tell them when they get back that I'll be

outside on the terrace, will you, Gilbert?

- Yes, miss.

Miss Toni?

- Yes, Gilbert?

- There's something I thought you ought to know, Miss Toni.

- What, Gilbert?

- Well,

if you're thinking of having a swim,

the far end of the pool is the deepest.

- Is that all you wanted to tell me?

- No.

Yes.

You will be careful, won't you?

- I will.

Thank you, Gilbert.

- Oh Gilbert, where is Toni?

- Out on the terrace, sir. - Good.

I'm going up to my room.

If anyone wants me, I'm out.

- Where exactly are you, sir?

- Up in my room, fat head.

- I mean if someone should ask where you are,

have you gone anywhere in particular?

- Yes, yes.

Tell them I've gone to hell.

Satisfied?

- Hell, sir?

Very good, sir.

- What are you doing here, Gilbert?

You should be in the kitchen.

- Well I am in the kitchen, sir.

- Well, don't make silly excuses.

What do you want?

- Miss Oberon told me to tell you she's waiting

on the terrace, sir.

- Is she?

Is she?

Where's my brother?

- Gone to hell, sir.

- When he gets back, let me know.

I shall be having tea on the terrace with Miss Toni.

- Thank you sir.

- Tea.

On the terrace.

- Yes, sir.

Tea on the terrace.

Shall I pour?

- No, merci, Gilbert.

- As you wish, miss.

- How shall I pour?

Strong or weak for you?

- Well, I'm weak.

- The sugar's on your side, I think.

- Oh, is it?

Oh.

- Is something wrong?

- Oh, I hope not, no.

- Francis?

Can you keep a little secret?

- Oh yes, you know you can trust me.

- I'm in love.

- You're what?

- I'm in love, Francis.

- Anyone we know?

- I'm in love with two men in the house.

- You mean?

I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

- But one I think I like a little bit more

than the other one.

- Douglas.

Drink up.

- Not Douglas, silly.

- Not me?

- You sound surprised.

Never have I met anyone so like myself.

- I never thought of me quite like that before.

- I think that we belong together.

- Oh yes.

No.

Have a cake instead.

- Oh no, thank you, but you'll have one.

- Now you were saying?

- Francis, I'm content to place my case and safety

in your hands.

- Now you really mean this to me?

You're not just pulling my leg?

- Oh Francis, how could you?

- I'm sorry.

I'm swine.

- But it's all unnatural that I should feel like that.

You're my cousin.

- Twice removed.

- Oh but the blood is there.

It's binding us together.

- Oh you're right, you're absolutely right.

I had a premonition about this.

I told Douglas.

- But Francis, from the first moment I saw you,

I thought, oh no, I shouldn't tell you that.

- No, no, do, do, because everything depends on it.

What did you think?

- I thought that one day it would only be you and me,

and Oberon Manor.

- Oh, you're an angel.

Oh, I adore you.

- We must not forget Douglas.

- Oh, damn Douglas!

- That's no way to speak about your brother.

- Well, Toni if you love me and I love you,

we don't need Douglas.

We don't need anybody.

We just need each other.

No, no.

It's cold. - Ah--

Hold those me, old boy.

That was very funny wasn't it?

I saw it come from over there.

With the tea right in the face.

- What'd you wanna do that for?

- What's the matter?

It wasn't sweet enough for you?

- You're an idiot.

- Not such an idiot that I don't know what's

going on between you two.

- What can he mean?

- Don't come the innocent stuff with me.

Wipe that cream off your faces; you make me sick.

- I think you're being very naughty Douglas.

- Is that so?

- Yes, and I think you've got the manners of a,

you've got no manners.

- You keep out of this.

- I don't want to hear anymore, so I'm going for a swim.

- I'm going upstairs to change.

- You know where you can go.

- Oh Francis?

Will you bring me a towel when you come out, please?

Yes.

Wait up!

Tan coat!

Toni, Toni, wait for me, Toni!

I want to talk.

Oh, oh, oh?

Hold it, ah--

I bought you a box of chocolates.

- Oh, that's a big box.

- What did he tell you?

What did he say to you?

- Who?

- You know very well who I mean.

Francis, what did he tell you?

Only that he adores me.

- Adores you?

- He finds me very attractive, too.

And he's always so sweet, gentle, and kind.

- Tell me more.

What else is he?

- Oh I won't if you're going to be horrid.

I didn't know that you hate me so.

- I don't hate you, you silly girl.

I care for you more than he does.

I'm only angry because, well, he went behind my back.

- Oh, I wouldn't have taken him seriously

if I knew that you care for me.

- Care?

My dear Toni, I can quite honestly say there isn't

a moment in the day passes when you're not in my thoughts.

- Oh, but Francis said he wants to marry me.

- Oh he does, does he?

You won't throw yourself away on him, will you?

Old twinkle teeth.

- Why not? He loves me.

I think.

- You think there, you see, you're not even sure.

Besides, he'd make you a lousy husband.

- And you make a good one?

- Well, why don't you try me and find out?

- Oh, Douglas, I have heard enough.

Please help me out.

Certainly.

Here we go.

Oh poor Douglas.

Do you forgive me?

I'm so sorry.

- I lost my balance.

- And all my lovely chocolates.

- Oh, they wouldn't have done you any good.

I'll buy you some more.

Oh, god, Toni.

Toni, you're lovely.

- Oh please, Douglas, not here.

Somebody might see us.

- I don't care, I don't care!

Do you hear that?

I love you, love you madly.

- Oh, if only I could be sure.

- Let's get married.

- But, what about Francis?

- Forget Francis, forget everything except me.

- But?

If he didn't exist, I'm sure I could be very happy with you.

- Forget Francis. - I can't.

- You must.

- She must certainly do nothing of the sort.

Hand is off.

- Oh, go away.

- Has he been bothering you my dear?

- Oh, no, not at all.

He tried to help me.

So, I pulled him in.

By mistake, of course.

- Allow me.

This way.

- But what about Douglas?

- Here you are, old man.

Oh!

- Well you've only got yourself to blame, you know.

- If you two brothers are going to play,

I'll see you up in the house later.

- I was quite prepared to play fair.

You see that box of chocolates over there?

I poisoned those.

But you, you clever dickorous, you had to be a snake,

didn't you?

- I put poison in the tea, only I didn't let her drink it

because she loves me.

Oh, blood rut.

It's me she loves.

Then the fight's on,

and may the witter man, bid.

The witter man bid?

The better man win.

Oh shut up.

- Oberon Manor?

Yes, yes, I'll hold on.

Well yes, yes I'm still here.

- Oh, dear.

Oh.

- Beautiful evening.

- Would you care for a drink?

- No thank you.

- Gilbert?

I've just seen my cousins.

I think they have a little disagreement.

- I rather gathered something of the sort, miss.

- Do you know the reason.

- Well, I can guess.

- And do you think I am to blame?

- Oh no, miss.

You can't help being disturbing.

- So you mean that I am disturbing?

- Yes, it seems so, miss.

But you see, no one has ever come between them before.

- Oh, they are like children.

But I am very fond of them.

- Nothing more?

Miss Toni, I think you should go back to Corsica.

At least until the estate is cleared up and,

your cousins have left over our manor.

- Do you want me to go away, Gilbert?

- I think you know that's not true, Miss Toni.

- Aren't you frightened, Gilbert?

- No, not of the same thing as you are, miss.

- You're a man.

- Will there be anything further, miss?

- No, not at the moment, Gilbert.

- Then if you'll excuse me, I'll just take this.

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you.

Miss Richards telephoned to say she's on her way

over to see you.

- Thank you Gilbert.

- Psst psst psst.

Toni.

I--

I've come here to warn you.

I've hesitated to speak before because I haven't

wanted to turn you against Douglas.

- Douglas?

I don't understand, Francis.

- Douglas is not all that he seems.

- You mean he's something different?

- No, he's not completely different.

Well, not to put too fine an edge upon it,

he's after your money. - No.

- Yes.

- It's hard to believe this sort of thing of Douglas.

- Well, I was extremely shocked myself when I realized

how his mind was working.

- So I'm not safe here?

- No, no, no, you're perfectly safe as long as

you trust me.

I shall try to get you away as soon as I possibly can.

- You?

- Yes, of course.

And then after I've got you out of his clutches,

I thought perhaps that you and I--

- Oh, I know how terrible this must have been

for you to tell me about Douglas.

I know how close you are.

- Yes, well not anymore.

From now on it's all for one and one for all.

Who travels fastest, who travels on his jack.

- Who's Jack?

- Hm? - Who's Jack?

- Jack?

No you mustn't change the subject, this is very urgent.

Douglas may catch wind of this whole thing.

- Gilbert, where's Miss Toni?

- In the library, sir.

- Aye.

- That's Douglas, he's coming here.

I'll hide out on the terrace, keep an eye on things.

If he starts anything, I'll be in like a shot.

Don't be frightened.

- Have you seen Francis?

- Mon no.

- Listen, Toni, have nothing to do with him.

He's trying to marry you to get hold of your money.

- How can you say such a thing, Douglas?

- Because it happens to be true.

He's asked you to marry him, hasn't he?

- Well he loves me.

- Love?

Ha, the only person he loves is himself.

He's a grasping, vindictive devil who's out to

get every penny he can lay his hands on.

- Oh no.

- Oh oui.

I'm telling you this for your own good, Toni.

He's ruthless and will stop at nothing to get what he wants.

- But what shall I do?

- You won't marry him, will you?

- Well how can I after all of what you tell me?

- Now look, you mustn't let him know you suspect.

Behave naturally, or else there's no saying what he'd do.

- She's waiting in the library, Miss Richards.

- That'll be Francis looking for you.

Now don't worry, I shall be out there in case

he tries anything.

- But Douglas-- - Have no fear.

- Miss Richards to see you miss.

- Bonsoir, Mademoiselle Richards.

- Well it's not terribly bland, is it?

It's a perfectly fine night.

- Thank you for letting me read your article.

You have been very flattering.

- Oh, not at all.

Is it alright for publication?

- But of course.

Don't look at the window now, we are being watched.

- Who by?

- My cousins.

Something frightful has happened.

- Oh, my dear.

- They have disagreed because they both think

they are in love with me.

They might do something violent, you know.

- Oh you poor darling.

- I can't talk to you freely now,

while they are watching.

So I'll try to move them so we can talk alone.

- Yes.

- But just relax, mademoiselle.

Be charming and natural when they come in.

- Yes, of course.

- Francis, Douglas?

Come in, you will only get wet.

- Jolly wet, isn't it?

- So you see how it is?

- Oh my dear, it's deplorable.

- Yes, but I have come to a decision.

I'm going away.

- Well, would that help?

- Yes, because if I'm not here any longer,

they will be no more to disagree over, no?

- Well.

Toni?

- When are you going back to London?

- Straight away.

- Then could you please do something urgent for me?

- Of course, my dear, anything.

What is it?

- Could you please go to this address

at Winepool Street, it's a lawyer of the Oberons.

- What in the blazes are you doing?

- Look.

- Well what about it?

- Oh, do you keep a packed suitcase in your bedroom

when you're staying somewhere?

- Depends where.

I must say, there have been times when

it has been advisable.

- Well I don't like it.

Good lord, Life.

- Is that the one we made the notes on?

- Yes, but they're gone, look.

- Good grief.

Let's look in her handbag.

- Nothing else I could do? - No, no, thank you.

- Then I'll be off. - Yes, as fast as you can.

- Oh, you can rely on me.

In an emergency, I travel faster than salt.

Au revoir!

- What's this?

Well, now, you recognize that?

- Yes, it's the cellar isn't it?

There's you under the rubble.

- Yes, what would she want with a photograph

of a cellar?

I mean, it's not as though it's a good one of me, is it?

- Hm.

- The wrecked car.

- The boulder.

The gun.

- That's an odd bloody assortment to put

in an album, isn't it?

- Oh, I can see it all.

- Francis, my boy, she's taken us for a couple of bucks.

- Now the question is-- - What's our next move?

- Yes.

- She's planning to do a bunk, right?

- Right.

- Our action is obvious.

We must stop her, right? - Right.

How?

- Well now we know her true feelings towards us,

marriage is a write off.

That leaves for the other method.

What do you say to a further attempt?

- Needs must when the devil drives.

Will it look like an accident?

- It'll look like nothing at all.

- I think Miss Richards is gone.

- The decks are cleared for action.

- Gentlemen.

- What is it, Gilbert?

- It's about that murder, sir.

- Murder, how did you know about--

- What murder, Gilbert?

- In the novel you're writing, sir.

- Oh yes. - Oh that.

Yes, well what about it?

- Well you asked me whether I'd marry or dispose

of the girl, sir?

- Yes, well you agreed to murder?

- Well yes, I know sir, but I'm now considering marriage

as a possibility.

- Bully for you.

We're still for murder, aren't we, Francis?

- Yes, well it's inevitable.

Well go away and think some more about it

and let us know your decision, Gilbert.

- I will, sir.

But I do prefer a happy ending, sir.

- Come on.

Going somewhere?

- Yes, to my room.

- Oh.

- Francis?

Douglas?

I've come to a decision.

- Oh, it seems to be quite an evening for decisions,

doesn't it?

- Yes, it does, yeah.

- My being here makes you both unhappy.

So I think it will be better if I go back

to Corsica for a little while.

- Ah.

The old house won't be quite the same without her,

will it?

No.

- What are you doing?

- Ah, we don't want Gilbert barging in while

we're saying our good byes now.

Do we?

- Why are you looking at me like that?

- I told you he was dangerous.

- But Francis, you said you would help me.

- Oh I know I did.

Yes, but since then, Douglas told me that you said

you loved him and that you'd marry him

if I was out of the way.

- That's not true.

- Oh, you're going to marry Francis, then?

- Neither of you.

And now, please let me go.

Please let me go.

I'll go away, and never come back.

- You're going to where you'll never come back,

don't be silly.

- What are you going to do?

- Well you'll hardly believe this, I know,

but we haven't quite made up our minds actually, I,

wonder what there is that we haven't tried yet.

You think of anything Francis?

- Well only the torture chamber, and that's no good.

- Torture chamber?

Absolutely first class.

That's one place you haven't seen yet, is it, aye?

We'll soon remedy that.

This way please.

No, come on.

- Please let me go.

- You're the ghost bride of Scarborough.

- You can't be serious.

- No, I was joking, actually.

- Here are we, just around the corner

and down the stairs.

- Dinky little place isn't it?

Our ancestors used it as a playroom.

Oh, I don't know, how about this?

Chained starvation.

A bit slow than what we want though.

- Or boiling hot oil, only we haven't got any.

- The old fashioned two ways to break.

- No!

- She's in the cage.

- Couldn't be better, old boy.

- Let me out.

- Oh no, Toni, I'm afraid you asked for this.

- Don't worry, Douglas is very, very good at this.

Once he gets it going, it'll be over in no time.

- I just pull one of these little levers

and down comes that happy, laughing thing.

- Oh goodness, I think I'm going to be sick again.

- Oh, not again, Francis.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I suppose you know what you're doing.

It seems such a pity that all the Oberons should come

to such a sudden end.

- Not all the Oberons, only one.

- We'll still be here. - No.

- No?

- No?

- No.

- What exactly do you mean?

- Mademoiselle Richards is on her way to London.

- Well what of it?

- Well I gave her an envelope to hand

to Mr. Macdonald.

- Envelope?

- What was in it?

- A cover of a certain magazine.

And some small note saying that if anything

should happen to me, you two would be responsible.

- Douglas.

- She's trying to fool us, she's obviously lying.

I don't know.

- Well if she's not lying, I think it's a very

unsportsman-like thing to do.

- You don't want to kill me any longer, do you?

It seems like putting a noose around your own necks.

- Why couldn't you have told us all this upstairs?

- Because I wanted to see how far you two would go.

- We'd better hurry and get her out of there.

- Don't panic, don't panic.

It's the wrong one!

- Toni?

I thought it might be you miss.

- But it was.

But getting me out, the two fools got caught inside.

- Gilbert!

Gilbert!

- Don't worry gentlemen, I'll have you out in no time.

Your taxi's on its way, miss.

I'll go upstairs and get your luggage.

- Thank you Gilbert.

Where is my cousins?

- Well they're in the library, miss.

They're still feeling rather shaken.

Very touch and go you know.

- I should say, Gilbert.

It was very touch and go.

- It's going to be damn quiet around the old

homestead without her, isn't it?

Yes, I can't think of what we did to fill in

the time before she came.

- Yeah.

It's a great pity.

We shan't be here much longer ourselves, I suppose.

- I doubt it.

Still, it's probably all for the best.

Cheers.

Cheers.

- I've come to say good bye.

- We shall miss you.

- Then we always did miss you.

- I'm going to miss both of you too.

- You'll come back?

- But of course.

But unfortunately, you won't be here.

- No, we couldn't very well be.

- Heaven only knows where we'll be.

- Would you like to join us in a farewell drink?

- No thank you.

That'll be my taxi.

- We'll come and see you off.

- No please don't.

I want to remember you both here, in this room,

where we spent so much time together.

Good bye, Douglas.

Be a good boy.

Good bye, Francis.

Think of me sometimes.

You couldn't harm a fly.

Even if you wanted to.

- Taxi's here, Miss Toni.

- We know that Gilbert.

- Well in that case, will that be all, sir?

- I think so, Gilbert.

Is it, is it cold in the kitchen?

- No, sir.

- Well is it your night off?

- No, sir.

- Why are you wearing your coat?

- I'm going to Corsica, sir.

- Corsica?

- You may remember I told you I was considering marriage?

- Well? - Eh?

- Well I've made up my mind.

Miss Toni and I are to be married.

- Married? - Married?

- You ready Miss Toni?

- Yes, Gilbert.

- Oh and, uh, good luck with the book, gentlemen.

- Douglas, you didn't?

- Francis, did you?

- Toni? - Gilbert?

- Toni, come back. - Toni?

Gilbert?

Don't leave us like this.

Toni!

- Come back!

Well Francis, I hope you're satisfied with your handiwork.

- My handiwork?

- Yes, your handiwork.

- It was you at the start.

Better be good to me

Maybe she ought to know

Better fish in the sea

She'll have to go go go go

Go go go go go

Go go go go

Go go go go go go

Go go go go go