Original subtitles

Maggie, I know I messed up in the past, but I'm ready to be with you.

I'm all in.

I really want to believe you.

Do it.

Chester?

This is not false.

It's detected.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

This is what we're doing today.

I thought we were going to that ghost milk ice cream place.

You didn't think that?

This is, of course, what we're doing today.

I'm going to ask you questions while you're hooked up to a lie detector, like.

..

what makes this time any different?

I went to therapy.

I went to therapy.

Were you okay?

We're talking to you in the work for 12, 13 hours in a treehouse and van.

Nice.

How do I know you won't just disappear?

I really, really like you, Maggie.

That's true.

Wow.

Now tell me how attracted you are to my friends on a scale of my life.

We'll start with Emma.

Can we start with somebody else?

It's going really great.

Really great.

What about Shaw?

I don't know if Shaw likes me back.

This could all be in my head.

But I know what I have with Rick is real.

Rick is really good for right now.

Look, he's cute and he's fine, light.

and dumb.

Look at that's good.

I could focus on my career without any distraction.

We're working for you, praying for you.

Lighten candles for you.

Hey, why is that degenerate?

Rick's over.

Back on my base.

Because I asked him to stay.

You can't trust him, okay?

Actually, I can.

Because he really, really, really likes me.

And he said so during a three hour polygraph.

All that proves is he can lie for an entire season of British television.

They're trained by the CIA to be able to beat the polygraph.

It's like one of the first things that they learn.

Okay.

You are going to have to get used to this, dad, because Rick took a sabbatical from

the CIA to stay on the base and work on the relationship with me.

This guy comes from a morally bankrupt cult that is

doing a slow controlled burn of the entire planet, okay?

Stupid and evil is now what I had in mind for my daughter.

No, I'm ignoring you.

And look, who is texting me?

You up.

Maggie is 11 a.m.

But he spelled you out.

Progress.

Now, if you excuse me, I have got to go.

because I am up.

I know you want to get rid of Rick Silver just as much as I do.

And I'm down for however we can get him off of this base short of like felony assault.

Although I do know a guy.

I know a guy.

Me.

All right, listen.

Here's the deal.

Maggie is in a platonic emotional affair that is going nowhere.

So like we all do, she called a hot dumb sex guy.

So who's Mr. Platonic?

Okay, that is not relevant.

All you need to know is that Rick Silver is bad for Maggie.

I'm not buying this whole CIA sabbatical thing.

They don't do sabbatical.

It's like the hokey pokey with the CIA.

You're either in or you're out.

So, you know what?

I'm calling CIA.

Hey, get me Langley operations, okay?

Yes, sir.

Can I help you?

This is Colonel Patrick Quinn.

I would like to discuss the whereabouts of one of your field apparatus.

A Rick Silver.

Oh, you snitch?

I'm not really snitching.

I'm snitching out a bunch of snitches who are snitching out of snitching.

Yeah, I'm with you.

CIA has me on cold.

What?

They have terrible customer service.

Corporal, what are you doing?

I wasn't masturbating.

What?

I had a promise to myself and the laundry room spirits that I wouldn't have filed a

sacred space.

And that is why I'm wearing oven mitts.

Now, I met, why are you sleeping here and not in the barracks?

I can't sleep there because Gideon, watching Gilmore Girls at full volume,

where he's going to yell.

It's not even a good season.

So, I had to go searching for a different place to sleep.

Then I came across this little go-to-go situation.

Whatever.

You can't sleep here.

Then why is there a bed with a framed photo of your family?

This is your bed, isn't it?

This is just a temporary situation, all right?

So, let's just still move in our stuff out of our place.

And I got to steer clear or whatever.

No judgment here.

At all.

Good.

Now, normally, I do have a thing about being little

spoon, but I think you need to be comforted more.

Get him here.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to be spooning.

You can sleep in a laundry room, but the office is mine.

Let's go out, out, out.

Hey.

Hey, you forgot you're oven mittens.

Oh, you can keep him.

That should not work.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Good evening, Colonel.

Looking for this?

I found all five.

The pair's I missed one.

Why are there so many guns?

Because I'm an American.

That's why... who the hell are you supposed to be, buddy?

I was from a cloud.

Am I six?

God.

Gross.

You have a problem with the mice again?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, something worse than a CIA spy is a British spy.

I was on so.

Yeah.

You guys are all emotionally closed off, new in it.

CIA's famous for drug and a bugging, but you guys, you're famous for peeping

and creeping.

We prefer peeking and sneaking.

Oh, I'm sure you did.

Perbs.

I know what you guys do.

You lurk in the shadows.

You stare in the bedroom windows, while your

tiny little clammy British hands are doing.

God knows what inside those stupid trench coats.

Yes, you're called to Langley.

I'm kicked over on its nestle, chap.

The CIA agent going AWOL at Stroop Store begs a little question.

Hey, well, your agency tasked me as another station chief to find answers.

Where did you find a chap?

I found this.

But a dead drop, I believe the bench.

On your base an hour ago.

Schematics of the base.

There is a mole right here in the heart of Stroop Store.

And with your call, what do you suspect?

Rick Silver.

I knew it.

I knew he was a double agent.

Oh, my God.

I've been waiting for this day.

I'm going to get my seventh gun.

Not so fast.

We need proof.

So, we stand outside his window every night for six months of peeping.

I'm in peeking.

Six months.

They could be married in six months.

months.

Or worse, calling each other partners.

The only faster way is to act like the cowboys of the CIA, as you say,

with a drugging and bugging.

You'd be Kaye, Mr. Mice.

That's what we're doing.

Current.

Thank you for this late nights.

Scott's your invite.

Yeah.

That was good time for a little sit down.

Yeah, man.

It's nice to be a welcome to guess, especially

since last time I was drugged and bugged.

And this time.

I put truth serum in your scotch.

Okay.

Yep.

When are you going to realize the world on the same side?

We're not really on the same side, Rick.

It's a matter of fact.

Unfortunately, I'm on his side.

Oh, yeah.

Am I six?

Oh, you know him?

He's a posh, impotent peeper.

You seem one.

You've seen him all.

Mr. Silver.

I'm here on behalf of your agency.

I'm going to answer my questions.

And you may work for you.

How do we know if it's working?

A scientist of engineered a gastrointestinal stopping pistol.

I'm so sorry.

That was me.

That was not the chair.

That was definitely me.

Oh, snap.

You got me on that pure-uncut English truth serum, huh?

How much did you give it?

One.

Well, no.

One bottle.

I wanted to make sure it worked.

I saw a dead alien.

In a freezer?

I poke its toe at least.

I think it was its toe.

But the guys I was with laugh, so...

it might have been something else.

Hey, uh, have you seen Rick?

He texted me and met me in the teen center.

PSI'm evil.

It was me.

That makes sense.

Okay.

This has time to face some hard truths about this guy.

He's a mole, and he's spying on our base.

And what proof do you have?

I have a full confession.

Hmm.

Baby, baby, baby!

Oh, your dad does me with truth serum.

You need a heartbeat.

Mr. Silver, are you the spy in spruce door?

No.

What?

See, you didn't put the folder in the dead drop?

No, I did not.

See, I informed us you were able.

Yeah, they put me on travel restriction for causing a scene at the airport.

I don't want to take off my flip-flops going through TSA.

It is a thong sandal.

Like check it with your eyes, bro.

Point is, you didn't lie on the polygraph, like my dad claims.

Ah, actually, dad was right.

Ah, ha!

See?

What did I say?

Let's go.

About what?

Spill.

Come on.

I don't really, really, really like you.

Oh, my God!

Really?

I can't lie.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Colonel, British dude, with no sack.

Thank you both for giving me the push that

I needed to finally open up my heart to you.

Oh, hey!

Ah, the record.

I do have a sack.

Oh, we were wondering.

Hey.

I'm a tight spot, don't you?

You think?

Now she's been living with bricks over more than she's ever been before.

And we have no mall, and we have no suspects.

Yes, because of your American yippee-ki-yay, we're

now up the river Thames without a skull angle.

Oh, so it's my fault?

You know, it just give me all the truth serum you have out there.

Take care of it.

What are you doing, Paparakis?

Great.

You're awake.

I could really use some company, man.

I am not used to sleeping alone.

Yeah, neither am I.

Awesome.

divorce, huh?

Yikes.

How are you holding up?

It's hard.

Yeah, but marriage is hard too.

Yeah.

Maybe you just haven't met the right person.

Or maybe I have and the timing will never be right.

Maybe I'm meant to yearn for someone who I know is the answer of my loneliness.

What?

Nothing?

So, you're ex-wife.

She ever walked around naked?

Yeah, sometimes.

That is so sick.

Wow.

So, when you live together, you can have sex whenever you want, right?

Yeah, it can.

But... Well, you don't.

What?

You're lying in bed together at night during

the sex hours, but you're not having sex.

What do you do?

We look at our phones mostly.

It is.

Look at your phones.

Yeah.

You look at your phones?

What do you mean you look at your phones?

Oh, my God.

How'd you narrow it down?

Well, I was spending all night reviewing a security footage.

I've identified three suspects.

I don't know that they're going to show up here.

I promised him free pizza.

What have they already eaten?

It's free pizza.

Oh, here come our suspects.

Peacock.

Nameless.

And the stranger.

Now, the best bit.

We want...

Peacock.

No.

Peacock.

I know, but I invited her because she knows who my daughter's questions are.

We give her the pizza.

She tells us who the crush is.

We invite that guy down.

Bye-bye, Rick.

So, do you think this is a game?

Three people on Serum as a risk.

Any additions increases the danger exponentially, and now four.

Well, six.

Hey, let's go.

Thanks for the invite, Sergeant.

Look at them.

They're stray dogs with bones.

Peacock.

Peacock.

Peacock.

Peacock.

He's got a whole pizza to himself.

Peacock.

Peacock.

Peacock.

Yeah, God in the ham.

There's many people on Serum in one place at one time.

Creates what we... They're my six called a truth orgy.

It's extremely destructive.

For the reason, I'll be sure it's what to cause Brexit.

It's going to be fine.

Wait, save me some.

No, it's not going to be fine at all.

No, there's actually not a lot.

I just farted, y'all.

What did I say that?

Lock the doors.

No one must escape.

The truth orgy has begun.

We're all locked in.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you hope no doubt noticed, you are farting.

And you're telling others that you're farting.

I'm not.

Never mind I am.

You've all been drugged with the most potent truth serum known to man.

Soon you will feel compelled to divulge your

deepest secrets and your darkest desires.

I invited private someone, Jan, and Gideon

to find out which one of them is the world.

Someone else has ensnared the other four in this trap.

So I would urge the rest of you not to move or to speak.

Well, this will turn into an absolute bloody frenzy.

No.

No.

You dostest.

And why?

What kind of sick mind games are you playing?

This should be my last straw.

But it's not because my childhood trauma leaves

me desperate for your approval all the time.

Okay, let me explain.

I didn't mean to dose everybody.

I was trying to just dose Conway.

What?

That was the original idea.

Because I know that she knows who your secret crush was.

So I wanted to get that information out of her and invite the guy down.

And then he could tell Rick's over to kiss off.

So Conway, do you want to share your little secret with us?

I had sex near Jan.

What?

Ew.

Wait near.

Did you mean with?

No, no, no.

I had sex with Jan's poly cue while he was playing classical piano nearby.

Honestly, it was really hot.

Oh, God.

Group sex is a beautiful song.

And I am merely a humble composer.

Some people go as far as calling me the Mozart of hunting in a york, you know?

Doesn't this feel liberating?

Just telling everyone your unhinged truth?

I don't really get why we have to wash our underwear.

Nobody's smelling this stuff.

Makes sense.

All my hair is below my waist or transplants.

Wait, you got a crotch wheel?

Major Shaw.

Uh-huh.

Gideon and I were not fighting.

We've actually been getting along.

Really well.

Yeah.

We push our bets together into a California king.

Sometimes I pretend to fall into the crack and we laugh and laugh.

Help me out.

Help me out.

It comes stuck in the crack.

Shut up.

Shaw, the reason I lied the other night was because I saw you sneaking into the

laundry room to sleep with your little blankie and your pillow.

And that was the saddest thing I've ever seen.

And I grew up in Cedar Rapids.

I've become Cedar Rapids sad.

But hey, as a friend, you have got to tell this secret woman that you're yearning for.

How you feel?

This is the secret woman that you're yearning for.

We're all wondering.

Oh!

Maggie, you up?

Oh, this moron.

Maggie, I got your rest of West text.

You're to extract you.

No.

Come on, let's go.

You should go.

You should go.

We're doing a thing.

It's called a... Truth orgy.

I know.

Yeah, I help plan the one that causes Brexit.

What?

Why?

Well, you're biggest ally.

I know, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

At a certain point, this mantle in government just becomes a habit.

You know, my bad.

But I can hang.

I'm still riding that full bottle from last night.

You know what, Rick?

I'm happy you're here.

Because we already know how you feel about Maggie.

And now I would like to hear how Maggie feels about you in return.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Maggie.

I like you.

Not love.

Just really, really, really like that's cool.

No, really.

Not a single, really.

No, I see absolutely no future with you.

And I've been lying to myself so that I could use you for sex without feeling guilty.

But I judge you for having no morality whatsoever.

What?

Yeah.

Suck it, silver.

You're done, baby.

You're toast.

You're cooked.

It's over.

Maybe.

I can see that you're too damaged to share your life with another person.

Oh, no.

I know that's not true, because I would do it in a heartbeat with Abe.

Wait, what?

Carl.

Shaw?

You're Mr. Platonic?

I didn't want you to find out this way, but I'm feeling kind of glad that I'm

saying it, because now I'll know whether or not I've imagined the whole thing.

It's not in your imagination.

I love you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yes.

What?

You know?

I also love Maggie.

I love Maggie too.

No, I love Maggie.

You all love Maggie.

I love Maggie.

I love Maggie too.

All right, I write enough with the loving Maggie.

Can we go talk the meeting room?

Oh, away from my dad and everyone I've ever met.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They stay.

I did not pick up on that.

Who would even choose him over me?

I can do this.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Huh?

Bow.

Huh?

Go, go, go, go!

I can't believe that just happened.

I have been wanting to say that for so long, so long.

And obviously couldn't end to say the look on your

face like, was at that no longer the look on your face.

Do you want to make out?

You should probably make out.

Maggie.

It's not a good start.

I'm not even divorced yet.

Wait, but that's just a formality.

We're not allowed to date in our chain of command.

And we will keep it a secret.

It's illegal.

By army law.

Not God's law.

God's law.

Yeah.

Maggie, how many nights have we spent talking about your hopes, your dreams,

your career aspirations?

Yeah, so we would talk for so long because we couldn't make out.

Maggie, this...

This could jeopardize everything.

This is a good thing.

Don't you want all that?

Yes, I do.

I want those things and I want this too.

Maggie, I could never forgive myself if I was

any part of you not getting what you want.

Wow, the truth is, overrated.

Huh?

Uh... Mm.

All right, guys, this is it.

The mole hunt is over.

Which one of you is this by?

Let's go.

Come

on.

I know somebody in this room put the folder under the bench.

Oh, I did that.

But only because you ordered me too.

No way, didn't.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

You sent me an email telling me to collect all the blueprints and leave them there?

You thought my email was thecernalq at hotmail.com.

I thought you'd use hotmail because of how you're old.

So we don't have a spy problem.

We have an idiot problem.

You know, I feel like if I ate one more slice, I could talk to God.

Oh, this pizza is taking me on a spiritual journey I live on.

Guys, let's keep this truth towards you going all night.

I know all your social security numbers, but don't worry.

I only use them when I need STEM.

I have a pacemaker.

Like, not in my body, I just like have one.

Talk to her or my dresser, in my room.

I'm so circumcised.

And it's my biggest shame.

Not a day goes by that I don't want my foreskin.

Brother, you are whole without that foreskin.

I'm 118th Argentinian.

Anybody who got to treat me differently if you found out I wasn't a purebred Greekman.

Did you think that made us like you?

I have a tattoo of a giant tombstone on my back that says R.I.T.

Good girl.

No one's ever seen it.

Good kind if they want to.

I'm in love with a chatbot named Rosalia.

She told me to stop talking to her.

I've been having sex with Rosalia.

I've always been madly sexually attracted to Mrs. Doubtfire.

She's got great cans.

In mind you are not Robin Williams and not Mrs.

Doubtfire, but Robin Williams has Mrs. Doubtfire.

I breastfed until I was 10.

I tried again at 13.

It's going so well!