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I never meant to hurt you.
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That's not what this is about at all.
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You are nothing more than a lying sack
of shit.
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That was the moment I realized I'd never
been more in love with Gina French.
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Okay, so it wasn't exactly a highlight
in my relationship with Gina.
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But, you know, for a while there, the
two of us had a pretty good thing going.
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We'd spend Friday nights at home,
hanging on the couch, watching TV.
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We used to play together like five -year
-olds.
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We took care of each other like family.
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She knew how to make me laugh.
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And I was there when she needed to cry.
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Gina was the girl in my life.
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And I was the guy in her.
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Everything was perfect between us.
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Except for one very, very important
thing.
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Our sex life.
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What was wrong with it, you ask?
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Well, how about the fact that we didn't
have one?
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00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:46,950
That's right, like so many foolish guys
before me, I'd fallen into the friend
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zone early on.
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I mean, I spent five years of my life
doing everything a boyfriend would do
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without the benefits of actually being a
boyfriend.
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And when it came time for Gina and I to
evolve, it nearly cost us our entire
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relationship.
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Case in point.
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But to understand how we got to this
point, we had to go back in time a few
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weeks.
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Your feet smell like ass.
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That's my nail polish from out there.
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Smells like ass.
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Your rope smells like ass. You haven't
washed in like six months.
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Why would I? I mean, you always do all
the laundry.
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Lazy slobs don't score girlfriends.
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I'm not trying to score a girlfriend. In
fact, I have plenty of options.
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Oh, yeah?
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Well, then, please explain why there is
an unopened, about -to -expire box of
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00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,770
condoms in your sock drawer.
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00:03:57,150 --> 00:03:58,810
What were you doing going through my
sock drawer?
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I was putting away your laundry.
40
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:05,910
Well, I must say I'm very flattered that
you still keep tabs on me.
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00:04:06,350 --> 00:04:07,350
Lets me know you care.
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00:04:07,510 --> 00:04:12,010
You know what I like? That you bought
the Magnum size like you really need it.
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Want me to show you?
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You're a bull thing!
45
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What's up, sister?
46
00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:23,030
Oh my god, I think it's happening!
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You think what's happening?
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Dad called me from work. He said he has
something really important to talk to me
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about. Good or bad, really important.
50
00:04:28,910 --> 00:04:29,930
I think this is it!
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00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:33,250
I think after ten years of dating, he's
finally going to ask me to marry him! Oh
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my god!
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I can't hear the TV over your shrieking.
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Wendy's getting married!
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Bring all the divorce papers.
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Call me the second it happens.
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Oh my god, I don't believe it. I'm going
to be a bride. A bride!
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00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:54,430
My only dilemma now is trying to figure
out the perfect guy that's about to
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propose to me outfit. I'm thinking maybe
a black lingerie. Or what about white?
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Definitely white.
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White. Because that's more bridal.
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home and I'm going to be in pajama
pants. I'll talk to you soon, okay? Love
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Love you.
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Okay, bye.
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I'm going to be a bridesmaid.
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00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:21,220
Oh, wow. Well, congrats. It's only taken
him 10 years.
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00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,720
Well, maybe he wasn't ready until now.
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00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,480
Gina, a guy's ready when he's with the
right girl.
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You kind of figure that out within the
first year of dating, so if he's kept
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waiting this long, he was just looking
out for something better to come along.
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00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:36,340
That is so not true. true.
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00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:40,000
Mac adores Wendy. He was just waiting
for things to get more settled in their
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lives.
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Come on, Gina.
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We're guys. We don't think like that.
We're very simple creatures.
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00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:50,660
And in the simplest of terms, Mac is a
total dick, and Wendy's an idiot.
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Wendy is not an idiot.
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00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:57,180
Gina, ten years, that's longer than
World War I and II combined.
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To wait for anybody that long is total
desperation.
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Idiot. My sister is not an idiot.
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00:06:04,570 --> 00:06:05,990
And she doesn't wait around for anyone.
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00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,670
Honey, I'm home.
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I'm in here.
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Hello, my beautiful girl.
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These are for you.
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Thank you, go ahead.
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This is for later.
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What's later?
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Don't worry about it.
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I can't help it. I just don't know
what's going on in your head.
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00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:43,280
You really do ask way too many questions
sometimes.
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But you said it was important.
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It is important.
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What's even more important is right now
we get naked and we make up.
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00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,320
Just so beautiful, guys.
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00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:35,279
Oh, my God.
97
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,700
Oh, my God.
98
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,100
Oh,
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00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,020
my
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00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:51,600
God. Oh, my
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00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:52,600
God.
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00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:38,420
Oh, my God.
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00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:08,920
Wow.
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00:20:25,070 --> 00:20:26,070
Baby, baby, baby
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Oh, shoot.
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00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:34,100
Oh, my God, baby.
107
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,340
Yes. Oh, yes.
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00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:27,520
to me about well first off you know that
I love you right second
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of all this relationship really isn't
working for me anymore what I
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mean we've been dating for what like 10
years now I need a break I need to play
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the field explore the unknown what
unknown you know what I mean
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00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:57,320
break or like a break break let's just
call it a parting of the ways but we
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had sex yeah but that was something for
you to remember me by but you brought me
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flowers and champagne a bon voyage gift
one journey ends
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00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:16,300
and another one begins but
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we used to be friends all right
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00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:36,580
You do realize that most of the people
that do this whole online dating thing
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are batshit crazy, right?
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00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,500
Oh, my God.
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00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:43,040
Some girl left a voicemail on his phone
saying the mover's dropping off her
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stuff on Monday at 9 a .m.
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00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:49,700
He's moving in another girl and I just
moved out? How ridiculous is this?
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00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,100
It's about as ridiculous as the fact
that you're still checking his
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Do you think he's sleeping with her?
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Okay, stop.
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00:23:58,540 --> 00:24:00,520
You guys need to get over yourselves.
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00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,780
Kevin, you have an almost expired box of
condoms in your drawer.
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00:24:05,140 --> 00:24:09,540
And Wendy, you spent ten years of your
life in love with a total dickweed.
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00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:12,620
It's time to move forward, not
backwards.
130
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:15,820
Hey, what are you doing?
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00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,660
Deleting his number from your phone.
132
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,960
It's time all three of us get back in
the dating scene.
133
00:24:22,780 --> 00:24:23,780
Don't go anywhere.
134
00:24:24,220 --> 00:24:25,220
What are you doing?
135
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:26,760
Stay out of my sock drawer.
136
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:28,340
I'm getting my last...
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00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,480
They still have access to Facebook, so
I'll be okay.
138
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:45,220
I couldn't think of anything less
appealing than venturing into the world
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00:24:45,220 --> 00:24:46,780
online dating. All the rejection.
140
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:50,360
All the criticism. Just didn't sound
like my idea of fun.
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00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:56,900
Not to mention how unnerving it would be
if BigJohnson69 or MeSoFunny32 actually
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showed up to pick Gina up for a date.
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00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:02,580
But unable to say no to her, I went
along with it.
144
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For about a day.
145
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:05,720
Seriously, bro. I'm telling you.
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00:25:06,510 --> 00:25:07,890
The best thing that's ever happened to
you.
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00:25:10,430 --> 00:25:17,230
You know how easy girls who date online
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are?
149
00:25:18,730 --> 00:25:22,790
Well, Gina's not easy, so... Yeah.
150
00:25:23,490 --> 00:25:24,950
Even the most uptight ones.
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00:25:25,270 --> 00:25:27,650
Start sending little winky faces and
shit.
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00:25:27,890 --> 00:25:29,090
Girls eat that shit up.
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00:25:29,510 --> 00:25:31,070
Start to loosen up.
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00:25:31,810 --> 00:25:32,769
I mean, shit.
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00:25:32,770 --> 00:25:34,970
I made a profile, like, what, two, three
months ago?
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00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:39,080
My house, revolving door of pussy, okay?
157
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:47,060
Well, Gina's also not uptight. And
weren't you still in a relationship
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with Tiffany two or three months ago?
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00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:50,940
Yeah. So?
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00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:56,380
Because a guy's in a relationship, does
that mean he can't have a little fun on
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the side?
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Sue me, I'm a dick.
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00:26:01,540 --> 00:26:02,540
Clearly.
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00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:04,800
Seriously, Chief.
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00:26:05,379 --> 00:26:09,580
Whenever you decide to put your little
profile up, let me know.
166
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It's very important to help you out.
167
00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:15,140
I think I'm going to be okay. I think
I'll be fine.
168
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:21,320
If I need help, I'll just ask Gina. I
mean, she's probably gotten like a
169
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,320
emails already, so I'm good.
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00:26:25,660 --> 00:26:26,660
I'm sure she has.
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00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,320
Gina.
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00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:31,460
Gina is up.
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00:26:33,290 --> 00:26:35,030
We got soundproof walls, buddy.
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She's going to be knocking boots all
over that house in no time.
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00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,460
You need yourself a good profile pic.
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Check shot. Girls love check shots.
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00:27:14,820 --> 00:27:16,860
Something that shows off the body a
little, you know?
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00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:22,160
Being as you don't really have much of
one, you're going to need to start
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00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,160
hitting the gym.
180
00:27:23,300 --> 00:27:25,860
Yeah, working out. Hitting it hard.
You're going to be working out with me,
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okay?
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00:27:27,620 --> 00:27:29,000
All right, we're going to go pump some
iron.
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00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,520
We're going to go pump some chicks.
184
00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:34,620
Right.
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00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:36,620
Can't wait.
186
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,040
No, you can't.
187
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:50,260
I'm gonna need to take this one, so you
guys chill out, all right?
188
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,340
You gonna be all right, sweetheart,
without me?
189
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,160
Man, I can't believe that guy works in
human resources.
190
00:28:00,420 --> 00:28:01,420
Yeah, I know, right?
191
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,900
Dating online for an average -looking
guy, well, it's about as much fun as
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00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:15,280
getting hit in the nuts with a steel
pipe.
193
00:28:16,220 --> 00:28:18,040
Not that that's ever happened to me
before.
194
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:23,140
But the thing is, average guys, we don't
get hot girls.
195
00:28:24,020 --> 00:28:29,740
I mean, unless said average guy has
either A, a lot of money, or B, a lot of
196
00:28:29,740 --> 00:28:32,200
fame, which I have neither of the two.
197
00:28:32,780 --> 00:28:36,800
So I figured instead of taking a bunch
of unwanted criticism,
198
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:42,050
I just do what every average Joe does
when he tries online dating.
199
00:28:47,950 --> 00:28:52,010
The problem with being terribly good
-looking is, well, absolutely nothing.
200
00:28:52,690 --> 00:28:54,990
I felt like a celebrity with all the fan
mail I got.
201
00:28:56,890 --> 00:28:58,990
The chicks were throwing themselves at
me.
202
00:28:59,210 --> 00:29:03,630
I got boob shots, butt shots, even a
video of a girl masturbating to my
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00:29:03,630 --> 00:29:04,630
picture.
204
00:29:04,850 --> 00:29:06,490
It was a guy's dream come true.
205
00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:09,930
I mean, every one of these girls wanted
a piece of me.
206
00:29:16,730 --> 00:29:17,250
It
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00:29:17,250 --> 00:29:24,710
was
208
00:29:24,710 --> 00:29:28,750
the world's greatest joke against the
world.
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00:29:29,850 --> 00:29:35,910
Until the one person I never wanted to
make a joke of found herself unknowingly
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00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,400
The butt of it.
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00:29:42,340 --> 00:29:43,340
Kevin Anderson.
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00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,840
So, you think you can pull a fast one on
your best friend, huh?
213
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,820
Well, you are sadly mistaken.
214
00:29:54,300 --> 00:29:55,980
How long did it take you to figure it
out?
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00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,800
About two seconds.
216
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,240
God, that's pathetic. I'm really that
obvious?
217
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,020
Why would you even do it to begin with?
218
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:08,360
Well, because.
219
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:13,120
Name one girl that would find me
attractive in a sea of dudes with six
220
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,340
I've got more like a keg.
221
00:30:15,660 --> 00:30:18,440
So you just pulled your entire profile
off the site?
222
00:30:19,460 --> 00:30:20,359
Wait, what?
223
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:24,360
I took your username last night for
awesomeness.
224
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:25,760
Nothing stood up.
225
00:30:26,260 --> 00:30:27,560
Did you cancel it?
226
00:30:27,860 --> 00:30:30,280
That's like $30 you just flushed down
the toilet.
227
00:30:33,270 --> 00:30:34,890
It's okay. I understand.
228
00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:37,350
Virtual dating isn't for everyone.
229
00:30:37,650 --> 00:30:41,290
But for what it's worth, I think a lot
of girls would have thought you were
230
00:30:41,290 --> 00:30:42,229
pretty cute.
231
00:30:42,230 --> 00:30:43,069
Oh, yeah.
232
00:30:43,070 --> 00:30:44,090
With this face.
233
00:30:44,630 --> 00:30:46,270
Yeah, with that face.
234
00:30:52,970 --> 00:30:53,970
You're pretty awesome.
235
00:30:54,950 --> 00:30:55,950
So are you.
236
00:30:57,590 --> 00:31:01,070
Okay, so check out this guy.
237
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,700
I sent him an email this morning.
238
00:31:06,020 --> 00:31:07,020
Oh.
239
00:31:09,340 --> 00:31:10,340
It's really Steve.
240
00:31:11,180 --> 00:31:12,680
We have so much in common.
241
00:31:12,900 --> 00:31:17,880
We have the same taste in books and
music and movies and food.
242
00:31:18,180 --> 00:31:21,420
And he's kind of like a... Kind of like
you and me. Kind of like a soulmate.
243
00:31:22,420 --> 00:31:23,420
You know what I mean?
244
00:31:23,780 --> 00:31:28,200
Well, I mean, Gina, I wouldn't get too
hung up on a guy you haven't met yet,
245
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,440
right? I mean, he could be an 80 -year
-old grandmother for all you know.
246
00:31:32,060 --> 00:31:33,220
He's no grandmother.
247
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:36,760
I bet he's knitting you a sweater and
some mittens right now.
248
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,160
Kevin, let me enjoy the idea of this,
okay?
249
00:31:40,420 --> 00:31:45,080
From the sound of his profile, he's
exactly what I need right now. And he's
250
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:46,080
totally hot.
251
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:50,900
Great. Of course, he could turn out to
be a total nutjob psycho in person, but
252
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:54,380
on paper, this is the guy I'm gonna
marry.
253
00:31:55,820 --> 00:31:56,820
I'm kidding.
254
00:31:58,100 --> 00:31:59,500
Netflix and takeout tonight?
255
00:32:00,389 --> 00:32:04,430
Ah, well, you know, that's assuming
you're not busy on a date with your
256
00:32:04,430 --> 00:32:06,730
husband. Hmm, I'll let you know.
257
00:32:07,410 --> 00:32:08,590
Hey, you do that.
258
00:32:39,180 --> 00:32:43,540
So, uh, looks like your boy Kevin over
there's got a bit of a crush on you.
259
00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:47,100
What?
260
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,840
I mean, you're staring at the guy like I
stare at the new receptionist's ass.
261
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:54,080
That's my sister.
262
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:55,940
Well, then your sister has a nice ass.
263
00:32:57,460 --> 00:32:59,820
So, uh, you hook up with any of these
online chicks yet?
264
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:02,480
Dude, it's only been a week.
265
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,900
Cut me some slack, okay? No, I haven't
hooked up with any chicks yet.
266
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:08,360
Well, hop on it, bro.
267
00:33:08,910 --> 00:33:09,809
Let's get going.
268
00:33:09,810 --> 00:33:10,930
These chicks are wild.
269
00:33:11,210 --> 00:33:14,290
Let me tell you, I got some stories.
Make your head spin, okay?
270
00:33:15,370 --> 00:33:16,510
Okay, check this out.
271
00:33:16,750 --> 00:33:18,010
A little teaser for you.
272
00:33:18,550 --> 00:33:19,509
Zookeeper chick.
273
00:33:19,510 --> 00:33:20,510
Worked at the zoo.
274
00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,030
Had a nut fetish.
275
00:33:22,690 --> 00:33:27,490
The things this chick would do to my
nuts, you have no idea. She filled my
276
00:33:27,490 --> 00:33:30,070
sack with light, I'm telling you. You
have no idea.
277
00:33:30,770 --> 00:33:32,910
Oh, hello, Jesus.
278
00:33:34,030 --> 00:33:35,030
Hello, John.
279
00:33:35,770 --> 00:33:37,970
Hi, Bunny. What are you doing here?
280
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:39,560
Good to see you.
281
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:44,420
On the way to an open house. First need
to talk privately now.
282
00:33:44,980 --> 00:33:46,980
Yeah, okay. Yeah, we can talk.
283
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:51,660
John, I only have 20 minutes. I need for
you to take me somewhere private
284
00:33:51,660 --> 00:33:55,260
quickly. Okay, well, there's a bathroom.
285
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:57,100
I'll follow you, okay?
286
00:33:58,460 --> 00:34:00,560
You're going to listen to me, and you're
going to listen good. You understand?
287
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,400
Yeah, I mean, I know I was a good
listener.
288
00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:13,580
Look John, I've been thinking and I just
want to say I'm sorry that
289
00:34:13,580 --> 00:34:14,580
I fucked my boss.
290
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,500
Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
291
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,300
Don't you feel like you're second best?
292
00:34:23,980 --> 00:34:27,679
No, I don't. I've never been second
best.
293
00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:46,230
Well, I had to do it. It was on my
bucket list.
294
00:34:47,350 --> 00:34:48,350
Yeah.
295
00:34:48,570 --> 00:34:50,969
I can understand that, I guess, you
know.
296
00:34:51,389 --> 00:34:52,850
Gotta honor your bucket list.
297
00:34:53,310 --> 00:34:54,889
Which is why I did it.
298
00:34:55,449 --> 00:34:57,570
But now I'd like to try to be with you
again.
299
00:35:00,070 --> 00:35:05,690
Like... Is that, like, more than just
friends, or...? Yeah.
300
00:35:06,810 --> 00:35:08,850
More than just friends, you moron.
301
00:35:09,850 --> 00:35:10,850
Look, I...
302
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:15,480
I know this whole cheating thing seems
like a pattern with our neighbor and
303
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,100
that bartender and the UPS guy and my
boss.
304
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:20,960
But things are different now.
305
00:35:21,740 --> 00:35:25,680
And, um, I'll never cheat again. I
promise.
306
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:32,180
Does that mean, like, this time's, like,
for the long haul or, like, forever?
307
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:33,520
Well, okay.
308
00:35:33,740 --> 00:35:40,120
John, you know I don't like labels. So
instead of, like, forever, um...
309
00:35:40,540 --> 00:35:44,320
How about we put it more like, for as
long as the universe allows.
310
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:48,700
I can deal with that.
311
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:50,000
Yeah?
312
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:54,960
Hmm?
313
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,920
And you know what the best part about
infidelity is?
314
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:01,440
What's that?
315
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:03,640
Hot makeup sex.
316
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,520
Well, now I finally get to check
something off my bucket list.
317
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,020
What's that? Fucking in a lady's room?
318
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,800
I came back together with you.
319
00:36:18,780 --> 00:36:21,560
Let's not ruin this by talking, okay?
320
00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:28,720
Oh, no.
321
00:39:30,060 --> 00:39:32,100
Oh, good to know.
322
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:30,840
What did you want?
323
00:43:52,140 --> 00:43:53,580
I like that one.
324
00:43:54,380 --> 00:43:55,960
I like it when I do that.
325
00:45:07,150 --> 00:45:08,109
Oh, baby.
326
00:45:08,110 --> 00:45:09,330
Oh.
327
00:45:11,790 --> 00:45:13,190
Oh.
328
00:45:14,650 --> 00:45:15,650
Oh.
329
00:45:18,010 --> 00:45:19,410
Oh.
330
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:44,100
are on the table at 7 no problem and
don't forget that red wine I like I
331
00:54:44,100 --> 00:54:50,920
got a bottle done and no watching that
Project Runway I cannot
332
00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:53,340
stand that shit no Project Runway
333
00:55:10,819 --> 00:55:11,638
Nothing, man.
334
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:12,640
Nothing. Nothing.
335
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:27,640
Any of you guys know how to make a good
sniffle?
336
00:55:40,110 --> 00:55:41,730
You know, this online dating thing
sucks.
337
00:55:42,490 --> 00:55:45,810
I've gone on two dates now, both of
which were with guys that were 40 years
338
00:55:45,810 --> 00:55:48,130
older and 80 pounds fatter than their
pictures.
339
00:55:49,550 --> 00:55:51,590
Come on, now. You can't give up hope.
340
00:55:51,810 --> 00:55:53,190
You've got to give it more time.
341
00:55:53,570 --> 00:55:54,850
Time? Who's got time?
342
00:55:55,070 --> 00:55:56,970
Life is passing me by. I'm going to end
up alone.
343
00:55:57,730 --> 00:55:58,790
Who wants to go get drunk?
344
00:55:59,950 --> 00:56:02,070
I can't. I have to wake up early
tomorrow.
345
00:56:03,110 --> 00:56:04,110
Kevin?
346
00:56:06,290 --> 00:56:07,290
No.
347
00:56:07,950 --> 00:56:08,950
You guys suck.
348
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:26,900
I've been waiting for her to leave.
349
00:56:27,220 --> 00:56:29,020
No kidding. When is she moving out?
350
00:56:29,240 --> 00:56:33,260
I told you. As soon as she starts dating
again, it feels good enough to live on
351
00:56:33,260 --> 00:56:34,238
her own.
352
00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:35,580
That could take a year.
353
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:37,040
It's happened.
354
00:56:37,260 --> 00:56:38,260
I'm not kidding.
355
00:56:38,860 --> 00:56:40,460
Nobody's going to date her. Nobody.
356
00:56:44,420 --> 00:56:45,420
Why? What is it?
357
00:56:47,560 --> 00:56:49,860
I've totally fallen for Surly Steve.
358
00:56:50,820 --> 00:56:53,260
I mean, you haven't even met the guy
yet.
359
00:56:53,770 --> 00:56:58,870
I know, but he finally replied to my
email, and oh, my gosh.
360
00:57:00,130 --> 00:57:06,950
He's so smart, and he's so clever, and
he's eccentric, and he's soulful,
361
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:09,850
and he's got a wicked sense of humor.
362
00:57:10,610 --> 00:57:14,450
Well, those are all really good things.
That's great.
363
00:57:14,990 --> 00:57:18,230
Not to mention the guy can be a model.
He's so hot.
364
00:57:18,690 --> 00:57:20,990
Yeah, and that's what's really
important.
365
00:57:22,380 --> 00:57:26,040
He's only replied to one email, and I'm
already ready to jump his bone.
366
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:32,240
It's kind of weird. I want to know
everything about him. I've never even
367
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:35,040
him. He's like the perfect guy.
368
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:37,440
I'll imagine that.
369
00:57:42,420 --> 00:57:44,320
To come clean or not come clean?
370
00:57:44,620 --> 00:57:45,720
That was the question.
371
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:48,060
The answer wasn't that simple.
372
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:50,960
You see, in a kind of fucked up,
convoluted way,
373
00:57:52,060 --> 00:57:53,680
Gina had a thing for me, sort of.
374
00:57:54,020 --> 00:57:57,640
And I... I guess I just felt incredible
to know that was even possible.
375
00:57:58,820 --> 00:58:02,480
So the selfish part of me really enjoyed
that feeling and didn't want to let it
376
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:03,459
go.
377
00:58:03,460 --> 00:58:04,460
So I didn't.
378
00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:13,480
Dear Surly Steve, The worst thing about
me would have to be the fact that I
379
00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:14,459
don't cook.
380
00:58:14,460 --> 00:58:20,620
I am horrible with food. I ruin oatmeal,
burn eggs, I can't even microwave a
381
00:58:20,620 --> 00:58:22,380
dinner without setting something on
fire.
382
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:28,860
If I could live one day as a woman, how
would I spend it?
383
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:32,400
Hmm. Having multiple orgasms.
384
00:58:32,900 --> 00:58:34,960
The fact that your bodies can do that is
so cool.
385
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:41,200
I have six alarm clocks, all of which
are set to odd numbers.
386
00:58:41,700 --> 00:58:46,720
I have this, like, weird superstition
that waking up to an even number means
387
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:47,740
that I'll have a bad day.
388
00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:04,240
Underneath my mattress is a secret stash
of really poorly written romance
389
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:06,560
novels. Yes, it's pathetic, I know.
390
00:59:07,160 --> 00:59:09,620
But they restore my faith in humanity.
391
00:59:09,980 --> 00:59:11,760
I can't quite explain why.
392
00:59:13,980 --> 00:59:18,680
Before I die, I want to attend a monster
truck and demolition show. I like
393
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:19,680
walking destruction.
394
00:59:20,260 --> 00:59:21,900
So long as nobody gets hurt.
395
00:59:26,360 --> 00:59:27,640
When I was 12...
396
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:32,080
I wanted to name my band Misguided
Prick, but it got vetoed in favor of the
397
00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:37,820
Skunk Rockets. I did, however, grow up
to be somewhat of a misguided prick, so
398
00:59:37,820 --> 00:59:39,760
somehow it all came full circle.
399
00:59:41,140 --> 00:59:43,360
My longest relationship was only four
months.
400
00:59:43,980 --> 00:59:47,660
I've never met a guy that treated me
better than my best friend, so I figure,
401
00:59:47,780 --> 00:59:50,360
why commit to anyone serious until I do?
402
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:55,580
I think a girlfriend should always be
like a best friend that you really can't
403
00:59:55,580 --> 00:59:56,780
wait to have crazy sex with.
404
00:59:58,700 --> 01:00:03,880
Okay, this is totally out of character
for me, but I'm kind of dying to meet
405
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:06,440
you. Can we do something about that?
406
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:24,640
So after a week of flirting with Gina
over email, I quickly realized that I
407
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:26,860
weeding myself into a shitstorm of
deception.
30212
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