Original subtitles

Mrs. Barnes, I'm finished.

I'll be back week after next to clean out the filter.

Hey, don't go. Put some oil on my back. I need some slime back there.

Wait a minute. Have a drink first.

Well... Here, have a drink.

I'm sure you don't have anything else to do today.

No, it was the last stop.

Have a seat.

I'm not going to buy it.

Thank you.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, if you don't clean those pillars out about once a month, they

get kind of hard and dirty.

Pretty filtered.

Wait now, don't go.

Marie,

I got it.

Well, well, Mohammed, you finally decided to come to the mountains with

You ran out of locations I see.

I was just watching one of my old movies on television.

Mrs. Barnes?

Yeah? Can I ask you something I've been wanting to ask you for a long, long

time? Sure you can.

I mean, you won't get offended or nothing.

No.

What's your first name?

Agnes.

Oh.

It's my mother's name.

I gotta go.

I'll be back next week to clean the filter.

Okay.

I'm just fine.

Better than I felt all week.

What's that supposed to mean, Agnes?

Are you on the booze again?

I told you to lay off that stuff.

If I lay off the sex and booze, what's left I can't sing.

Honey, what you need is something to occupy your time, like tennis or

golf. I prefer the swimming pool.

What do you do for kicks?

Now, Agnes.

You know I haven't had my hands on anything strange for a whole year.

Ever since my brother gave you that big plus job, you've been shooting on

location.

You don't have any reason to say something like that about Maggie Agnes.

You have absolutely no reason to call her a tramp.

Why, she's just a kid.

Fresh out of college.

She was born a business.

You know, like becoming a strip girl.

A strip girl she already is.

And pretty fresh.

Come off it, Agnes.

She's a damn good secretary.

And you know it.

In fact, she is absolutely sensational.

Mama can be sensational, too, if you give her half a chance.

Who wants to lay your mama?

You know what I mean, idiot.

Now let me tell you something else, Talpanova. Unless you get your fanny

lot more often at a reasonable hour, that

aspiring script girl, secretary of yours, better learn a lot more tricks.

Like how to finance your expensive taste.

Because unless you're home tonight on time for...

A service call.

This little script girl is going to write a whole new scene.

Now, Agnes, you know there's only one person in the whole world for me.

Now, now, here's this.

Be home on time tonight.

Or don't come home at all. And I mean it.

I think she means it this time, doll.

We'd better cool it. Like now.

If Vance never finds out you've been two -timing him with his sister, he'll

bounce you right out of here.

Oh, that guy is a real bastard.

The only way to cool Mr.

Garrick is to frame him so he wouldn't dare make a move.

Yeah.

As executive director of Flagstone Films, he has a lot more to lose than I

Remember that near scandal with the Italian actress at the Cannes Film

Yeah.

That's it.

His weakness for young broads.

Oh, Mary Magdalene, I know why Christ liked you.

You're a real sharp chick.

What do you mean they don't answer?

It's after lunch. Ring again, damn it!

I came up the hard way.

All we ever had was Nickelodeons to bring him in when I was a kid. And we

enterprising.

We had imagination.

Today all these robots we call producers can do is take a successful idea and

kill it.

A true genius.

A man that recognizes a good idea.

or that little extra match that distinguishes a potential star from an

run -of -the -mill performer.

Take that jerk husband of my sister's. He actually thinks he's a producer just

because I let him put a fancy title on the door.

You'd think all it takes to be a genius is just to stick a title on the door.

Right, Chief.

I mean, some idiots just do think that way.

Now, what do you think of little Hannah, Chief?

Wouldn't she make a beautiful little Indian squaw and red -run the buffalos?

Well, let's see. What's your name again, little lady?

Hannah Grimes, Mr. Garrick, sir.

I was runner -up for Miss Chattanooga Falls.

And I played the lead in a 1968 Civic Light Opera performance, Carousel.

And I was second -best dart thrower in the...

1916. Hannah Grimes. Not a bad American homespun grassroots name.

I like it.

Yes, that's good.

Of course, you realize dart throwing and beauty contests hardly put you in line

for the kind of abuse, both moral and physical, you may experience here in

Hollywood.

You've got to be very careful who you confide in.

Not everybody can be trusted to respect your rights as Miss Barrett, or for that

matter, myself.

The important thing is, what have you done in films?

Well, well, I'm not Mr.

Garrick. I just got picked up by Miss... She means she's new to films, Chief.

A novice, you might say.

But very willing.

Very anxious to please.

If you know what I mean.

Hannah's gonna be just great.

Why don't I leave you two alone?

We can get better acquainted.

What do you want me to do, Mr. Garrett?

Well, it depends on what you do best, young lady.

How old are you, Hannah, anyway?

Fourteen.

Mom says I should tell everybody I'm eighteen, though, because I'm awful big

my age.

You sure are big. Mighty big, Hannah.

Now let's get down to business.

I think you're going to play the part of an Indian squaw, and since they wore

rather brief costumes... I know.

I know. Miss Barrett said that... Probably the first thing you'd want to

see my body.

I got nice tits.

At least my pa always used to think so.

They used to suck on.

I guess that's why they're so big.

That new bra really itches my skin bad.

I don't like to wear anything at all underneath my dress.

These bikini pants fit too.

I think that skin should breathe.

It's a crime to keep it all confined and underneath all kinds of stuff.

It's not natural.

I don't think people ought to wear any clothes at all.

Do you, Mr. Garrick?

No, well, yes, perhaps later tonight, maybe.

Mom always said I had beautiful pins.

There's a...

Awful lot of bowlers at home this time.

Like to spread my pen.

Quite a few that make strikes.

If you know what I mean.

What do you think, Mr. Garrett?

Well, I... I don't know. I'm a pretty good bowler

myself. If I do... Want to see my better fly, Mr. Garrett?

Yes, I mean, what do you mean, a butterfly?

My butterfly, right here on my thigh.

Oh. Isn't it pretty?

It's my birthmark.

Boys down home used to make bets on who'd be the first to make my butterfly

No, no, it can't be happening.

I've read about it in books and dime novels.

I've dreamed about it.

It never really happened. Not to me. Not for real.

I do believe you're talking to yourself.

And you're sweating, too.

Yeah. Poor baby.

Had a hard day, haven't you?

Yeah. A real hard day.

I can feel it.

Oh, God damn, son.

It feels good.

Does Big Daddy want something soothing to suck on, huh?

Mm -hmm. That's right.

Take it in your mouth and suck it, baby.

Yeah.

What?

I bet if little Hannah spread her legs really big and wide, Big Daddy'd have

something hard and round to put inside.

Wouldn't he?

Huh, baby?

You want to?

Oh,

yes. Oh, God. Oh,

God damn, Sam. That feels good.

Oh, sweet baby.

Oh, God.

Does Big Daddy like fucking little 14 -year -old Hannah?

Yes. Little 14 -year -old Hannah that's going to run straight to the Hollywood

Police Department.

Mr. Garrick would like Miss Barrett in here with the contract, please.

Thank you.

Miss

Barrett.

Big Hollywood producer here was just showing me how he recognizes talent.

Weren't you genius?

Damn it, Hector. That broad can't act her way out of a paper bag.

Oh, man, little snakes.

Now, Fenway, let's not get overdramatic about this.

After all, it's just another horse opera.

Who the fuck is gonna notice?

The Indians, damn it.

Just for this picture, can't you give Garrick an Indian mistress?

They ought to call this movie Two for a Buck.

Here comes the lady in question.

Right on schedule.

Hi, gang. Hi, Vinnie. How are you all?

We all are just fine. Just fine.

You're looking enormously well, both of you.

You're just jealous.

Yours should be so big.

Don't I wish. Don't I wish.

Plastic bulbs.

Oh, goody. Hey, where's the new leading lady?

I heard she's sensational.

Anson says she's a hell of an actress.

He said they were trying to think of a new name for her. You know, something

more exotic.

Hey, Jasper, what does the kid look like? Good heavens, who do you think I

like, Criswell?

I don't know what she looks like. I've never seen her.

I hope she looks better than her real name, Hannah Grimes.

Sounds dirty, doesn't it?

Please, Jasper, give the kid a break. She's only 18.

If she's old enough to vote, she's old enough to know better.

And I intend to be the first to teach you the ropes. I mean, lariats. Well, I

guess I'd better get on the horn and see where our Mr.

Anson Garrick's new prize is hiding out.

Excuse me, girl.

Come on.

This way.

No.

But she should be on her way within about an hour or so.

They sent her to have her hair dyed.

Yes.

They picked a new one this time.

Italian name, I think.

Or is it Spanish?

Hell, I don't know.

Has Garrick arrived in Italy yet?

He's on his way to London.

Seems the tower fell over.

No, not the real one, silly.

The one they built on the Prince and the Pauper set.

My God.

His new bride must be furious.

Did you know that the day they were married in Naples, he had to come home

board meeting?

And now, she's on her way here, and he has an emergency in Europe. Oh, my God.

Oh, that poor little gal.

Isn't that a riot?

She's practically a new bride.

She hasn't been in this country since they were first married.

And when she finally gets her visa, they cross each other in mid -Atlantic.

He's gonna be furious.

Her cablegram arrived just as his plane was taken off.

Which reminds me.

If you see my wife, I'll bet she's fit to be tied.

Your wife?

No.

Agnes is fine.

I think she's finally beginning to learn how to get along without you.

Yes, Vinny, old boy.

She's learning real fast.

Real fast.

Yeah? Who is it?

What's going on?

Jesus Christ.

Hello!

Come on in.

How come you're so late?

Oh, your hair's all wet.

You must be freezing.

Yes, I am very cold and very wet.

You must be Mr. Burns.

Yeah, Mr.

Barnes. Here.

What happened to you? I think we better get some dry clothes on you.

Well, what do they call you now?

Call?

Yeah, what is your name now, Hannah?

Not Hannah, Carla.

I'm so cold that... Lost my suitcase on the plane.

Wait a minute. I'll fix you up. Don't worry.

Desk?

Yeah. I want it single.

Right now.

You're kidding.

What's the rain got to do with it?

Aw.

Damn it.

Looks like you've got to spend the night here, sweetheart.

Good, it's better than nothing.

Mr. Garrett, where is he? I was told he'd be here.

I mean, on location.

Right, right. He just had to fly off to London.

Don't worry.

You're in good hands.

I'm Garrett's right -hand man.

Here, why don't you just go in there and freshen up, okay? Go ahead.

degree. Uh, Barnes is the name.

Executive producer of Flagstone Films.

Mr. Anson Garrick, that big, fat, no good son of a bitch.

He's the biggest one of them all.

Yeah, baby.

When he saw you, I'm sure he had something really good in mind.

You can make book on that.

Boy, you're going to look great in buckskins, kiddo.

Well, if I have to wear what you call buckskins, I might as well get used to

idea.

Anyway, I never wear anything to bed.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Wow. Skin must have freedom to breathe, don't you think?

What I wouldn't give to be a goose pimple.

Why, you are absolutely gorgeous.

Old Garrett sure does know how to do a good casting job, I'll say that.

I've got to take my hat off to him.

He sure does know how to pick them.

For now, you could make me feel more at home.

I'm still cold.

Which side of the bed do I get?

Well, here.

You get here, and I'll just sleep down at the end of the bed, okay?

Is this the quickest way to make it in the film business, Mr. Barnes?

Don't worry about that.

You've already got the job.

I was promised fringe benefits.

Are you one of them?

Well, that depends on the way you look at it.

Why, is my fringe showing?

No, but something else is.

You are a big producer.

Aren't you, Mr. Burns?

It's Barnes.

Would you teach a beginner how to make it in the business?

Well, anything for art.

Besides, I owe it to Flagstone Film.

being a star.

No doubt about it.

You've got enthusiasm.

Is it the right thing, Phil?

As far as I'm concerned.

He's going to drive them wild this time.

Tastes so good.

Wow.

They teach you girls in Europe.

It looks like they don't teach people in America.

And I thought Lassie was hard to handle.

But Mr.

Garrick, I tell you, Hannah Crimes, or whatever her new name is, hasn't been to

the location yet.

I'm at the motel now, and nobody knows where she is. The last we heard, she was

under the hair dryer.

No, B has no idea.

Damn it!

Everybody seems to be missing. I finally get to Rome and Mrs. Garrick's already

flown back to the U .S.

Yes, I heard.

That's too bad.

I tried to phone Mrs. Garrick at your home, but Jarvis hasn't heard from her

either.

No?

Anyway, he expects you to arrive tomorrow.

Well, everything will be straightened out by tomorrow, I suppose. Oh, by the

way, how's Vincent's latest turkey coming along?

The picture?

Oh, fine, just fine.

We had some technical difficulties yesterday, but everything should be

straightened out.

Yes?

Okay, thank you, Mr. Garrick.

Bye.

You got it straightened out, baby. You really got it straightened out.

don't mean to tell me our leading lady has finally arrived.

Oh, great white father who maketh the bread from grains of rice, with a

little help from his brother -in -law.

What miracle hast thou wrought this day?

Where is the little lady?

As Fenway would say, weans have a hankering to see the little filly.

Look, I now have the great honor of introducing Mr.

Anson Garrick's newest find, the most sensational discovery since Theda Berra,

Carla Montego!

You're embarrassing me. I hope I'll be good.

You've already proven how good you are.

Now let's see if you can act.

Great. She was just sensational.

Oh, what a fine.

What verve.

She's a real fine.

I hate to admit it, but I think Anson has really come up with a winner this

time.

I'm not even mad at Vinnie.

After all, who can blame a man for falling for that gorgeous hunk of woman?

Absolutely.

Maggie, you're such a sweetheart. If I was a man, I'd marry you.

Who's the new girl with B?

I don't know.

Hi, B.

Hi.

Hector, I've got a surprise for you.

Are you Mr. Jasper of Buffaloes Run Red?

No.

But I am the director of Red Run the Buffaloes.

After all, we're not bloody communists.

Come in, dear.

Come in.

What did you say your name was?

My real one or my phony one?

Take your choice.

What do I care?

You ought to, Buster.

She's your new leading lady.

Oh.

Hmm.

Meet Lucretia Fellini, otherwise known in Chattanooga Falls as Hannah Grimes.

I finally found her on Venice Pier living with a bunch of hippies in a

New hairdo and all.

Then who is Carlo Montego?

Who?

Gee, that means they're familiar.

Hey, anybody got a joint?

And all Lassie ever wanted was a bone.

So, I'll take a bone.

And so, lover boy, it appears you have some explaining to do.

Yeah, Buster, what's the story?

Honest, kids, I'll be damned if I know.

I just thought Carla was the new leading lady Anson hired in Europe.

Well, you're looking at her right now, in the flesh, at a cost of 1 ,500

smackaroos weekly, son, whether you like it or not.

1 ,600 a week?

I'm only getting 500.

So that's your game, Madam Queen.

Well, I... I... Well, a girl can't get by on 10 % these days.

Have a heart, Finny.

Shit.

I should sweat it so you can be rich.

You money -grabbing dyke.

Yeah.

Well, now I've got half the story.

It was your idea in the first place.

You wanted me to frame Garrick into getting the part.

Well, who's that girl in the bathroom?

You mean me?

Miss Barrett can give you the answer to that.

Oh, my God.

Can't be.

Mrs. Anson Garrick.

Carla Montego.

You remember, we met in Italy last year.

I was bored then.

I'm not now.

Now I've found what I want, and I'm not letting him go.

Suppose we make a deal, Mrs. Garrick.

We'll keep your secret if you keep ours.

And for a weekly salary increase,

Mr. Barnes, I suggest we

all have a party to celebrate our merger.

I'll drink to that.

Okay, one drink coming up.

Pour me another.

Here you go, me and partner.

Okay. Well, I think that we ought to get comfortable.

We could.

Has anybody got a joint?

Yes, yes.

I've got one you can suck on and get high.

No, sir.

From now on, that's reserved.

No posters allowed.

Come on, girls.

I'll take your minds off a joint and really send you into orbit.

Well, Mama told me there was going to be nights like this.

I'll tell you what, Butch.

A thousand bucks a week, you'd better eat good.

Residual benefits.

Remember the words of the great prophet, little Hannah.

If you can't join them, lick them.

Yeah, sure.

Give me some of that.

Oh.

Mother boy.

What you gorgeous, luscious, sexy little hussy that I'm crazy about?

What is it? Did you tell your wife you... Do you... You know?

Shooting my location is useful.

Wrecking my ass off.

Correction, mother boy.

on location.