Original subtitles

After 15 years as a journalist, I've learned it's important to grab the

attention with a catchy headline.

Here's mine. Local woman, 37, ruins own life.

Five years ago, Nel Serrano threw away a promising career to move to London for

a man.

I'm sleeping!

She went all in on love, until a drop kicked her in the face.

Now she's back, trying to stay hydrated.

But hey, who needs a promising career?

A fairytale wedding?

Or clean underwear when you can wear bathing suit bottoms.

Again.

The good news is, the weird roommate I met on Craigslist is extremely back and

not passive -aggressive at all.

Oh, also, he makes me walk his dog.

Unfortunately, he's the shy pooper.

The dog, not the roommate. That's gross.

And all this made me late for my first day back at my old job. But at least I

got the last parking spot.

So things are looking up.

More on this ongoing disaster as it unfolds.

Or late. But I told everyone that your phone was still set on UK time and that

you were donating blood. Okay, so act kind of woozy. What if I act hungover?

What if I am hungover? So I got you a plant for your first day. Hey. Of my old

job? Yeah, and some pens for your birthday.

Oh, because I'm another year older. Sports section. No, because I love you,

baby. No stealing, girls.

You are not the boss of me. True. But I am the boss of you.

Is it weird? It's weird that either of you are the bosses of anybody, really.

Well, technically, she is the boss of the lifestyle section, so that doesn't

really count.

Oh, I'm Mr. Metro. I have to edit a six -part series about the changes in the

zoning by Liza.

I'm sorry, don't you have a meeting to go to about, I'm going to say, sandals?

Look, bitch.

Actually, I am late to a meeting about sandals.

Coffee later?

Yep.

So, what are you going to put me on?

City beat?

Crime beat?

The deadbeat.

Oh, my God, you're putting me on obituary.

Here's your new office.

Ta -da.

Ew.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie. This is a closet.

That seems generous.

Look, you've got to jump back in somewhere now.

It's right here. Your first obit.

Monty Waxberg, a musician you may know for his most famous jingle, the Yum Yum

Bubblegum song. I hated that song as a kid.

Don't judge a person by their jingle, Nell. Everyone has a story.

And it's your job to find it.

And don't touch that pipe.

It'll strip your skin.

This is on me.

Give me one sec.

Oh, here, give me that.

Oh, see?

This is why I love you. Still not a party.

Nope. Your air horn's broken. That is because it is a breath pump.

Do you remember when these boobs were for, like, flashing people? Now they are

for feeding people.

What happened to me?

You became a badass working mom.

Who? Made two of my favorite little humans.

Yeah, I should warn you, Tilly still likes to wear her flower girl dress to

school every day in case that's a trigger.

Way to punch it down, Tilly.

So, when you are ready to talk about Philip, I have a bunch of nasty things

written in my journal that I am so excited to share with you.

Oh, I don't want to do that. You know what I want to do for my birthday? I

want to...

Throw down like we used to and pretend it's not going to take me three days to

recover. Okay? Okay.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Hide me. Oh, uh -oh. Nope. Hide me. What? Why? Where? What?

Who? In scotch tape.

Oh.

Now you can't call her that anymore, okay? Lexi is your boss now, and as

as it sounds, we have actually become... I will smack your face, work friend.

What? We hate her.

I know. I'm so sorry. The only reason why she has this job is because her dad

owns the newspaper and half of Pasadena. Yeah, I know. She's a little rich and

weird, and she thinks that Old Navy is a branch of the military, but when you

are a working mom, it is hard to meet other working moms.

What? No, what about Tina from Metro?

She used to always talk about her kids. It was sweet.

They were dolls.

Everyone's really worried about Tina.

You shouldn't have.

I just hope there's no cherries in this one.

It's caramel.

Did you go to Stanford?

Yeah.

Why are you eating the chocolates I got for my girlfriend?

I got them for my birthday and I thought you got them for me. No.

Gross.

I'm going to San Diego without chocolate to visit my girlfriend.

So please remember to walk Arthur.

and use compostable poop bag instead of telling the dog just to hold it. And if

you raise the heat above 68, the nest will alert me. Aye, aye, Captain.

Do you have any plans for your birthday?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to throw a massive rager, and I'm thinking getting a couple of kegs

and maybe even a reggae band, and I'm going to do it right over there by your

Peloton. No, you can't do it here. We have an agreement. Your lease

states that any guests need to be pre -authorized.

You're joking?

Obviously, dude. What do you have, like Asperger's or something?

I do.

You do?

Oh my God, I am so sorry I said that.

I don't.

You thought I had Asperger's?

I mean, kinda.

I do.

Alright, have a good weekend.

Oh, thank you.

Wow, 14 bucks for a cocktail.

You know, back in the day, we used to make LSD in the bathtub and give it away

for free.

Oh, damn, I miss the 90s.

How come your nose is buried in your phone?

Honestly, I was wondering if my ex -fiancé was going to bother to wish me a

happy birthday, but so far he hasn't, so... You know the best way to get over

someone?

Get under someone else.

Awesome. Thank you for your wisdom.

Hey!

There she is, my birthday girl!

Yes!

Okay, I know you said no presents, but we thought by the gas page catch a

something. Oh, you mean... Condoms and scratcher? Because you're going to get

lucky this year.

And we're going to have a great time tonight no matter who else shows up.

Who else is coming?

Hi, squirrel friend.

Sorry I'm late.

Well, I hope it's not too weird that I crashed your birthday.

Oh, not at all. We're co -workers.

Well, not exactly co.

Kidding.

Although technically that is accurate. I mean, I am your boss. Great.

But I just want you to know that I'm going to strive to be a different kind

boss than my father was. I mean, he was just so...

aloof and out of touch.

And if I learned anything after I broke my back during the Olympic dressage

trials, it's that you are only as strong as the horse you're riding.

And you, you are my horse.

Hey, Lexi. Am I being weird and entitled again? Yeah, when you refer to us as

your horse. See, this is why I need you.

Oh my gosh, that reminds me. One weekend during quarantine when our families

potted together.

Oh.

You guys partied together?

We did, and it was such fun.

I know a lot of people say they didn't enjoy the pandemic, but I really

Anyway, one night, Sam and I got into Le Sauvignon Blanc, and she got really

honest with me about how I can come off to people, and I'm just very grateful to

have a friend like you in my life.

I got you.

Nobody knows if nobody... You're okay with her being here, right?

Totally. Yeah.

I guess I just didn't realize you guys were like friends' friends.

I know.

But it's fine. You just want me to do it for her, yeah?

You got it. Yes. Okay, so I got us two tickets to the Underground this Saturday

night. It's 80s prom night.

I thought I'd wear my wedding dress. You can wear your maid of honor dress.

Nice. We'll get the muse out of it. I would love to do it. It's just that

Saturday night, I have some plans.

Do you plan to like me? Yeah, I do. I do.

Don't go breaking my heart.

We both got it. It was us both there.

Let's give it up for Dennis and Scotch Tape.

Scotch Tape? Oh, yeah. It's the nickname we gave you. You know, just a little

inside joke between old friends. No, no. Slow down.

Why? Come on. Scotch Tape. Because you're stuck up. Get it?

We also thought you were Scottish.

You screamed one day, and it sounded like Braveheart. I was like, Scottish?

Come on. You think it's funny, right?

I'm not the only one.

Yeah, totally.

I'm just going to get my bag.

All right.

Another round of drink?

And the fridge has been open too long.

How did I end up here?

Well, it's true.

You never really know where life is going to take you.

Don't you come any closer or I will kill you.

Don't bother.

I'm already dead.

Are you here to kill me?

Please don't do that. Please, please don't do that. No, I am not here to kill

you. My name is Monty Waxburg.

Yummy, yum, bubble gum.

Juicy, juicy fun.

Ta -da.

C 'est moi.

Nope. Nuh -uh. No, I do not see dead people. No, no, no, no, no. This has

got to be the chili cheese fries and the cake and the five cocktails. Maybe they

have gummy I ate. Go easy there, Keith Richards.

You cannot comment because you are not real.

So I, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna go to my room and I'm gonna lock the door. And

I'm gonna put a bunch of heavy boxes in front of it. You know, not because I

think that you're real, but just because, uh...

Um, I need the cardio. And when I wake up in the morning, you are going to be

gone. Good night!

Morning.

Daybeck, how did you get back the boxes? I have no idea. I've never been dead

before. Also, I haven't had to pee since I died.

which frees up a lot of time.

Company. Come in.

Are you okay? I just got home and I heard you scream.

You know... Yeah, I'm okay. Good. Will you clean the living room, please?

Because it's filled with condoms.

Duh. Yeah, what do you think?

Okay,

night.

Fun fact.

You're the only one that can see me.

No! Yep.

No! Yep. No!

Oh, my God. I know I've been sad lately.

And maybe even a little depressed, you know? And I haven't really been taking

good care of myself. Maybe I just need to do more exercise.

Oh, okay. Why don't we go for a bike ride?

No, thank you. I need my air.

Hey, Siri, check them.

Sorry, I got over -served last night. Can we grab a cup of coffee later?

You don't want to eat here. Two words.

Cockroaches. No!

Go, go, go, go, go. Help. Get out of the car. This is the guy that killed me.

What? Just kidding.

It was prostate cancer.

Stop following me.

Enough. What do I have to do to get you to leave? I don't know.

I have no idea why I'm here. No rules, no instructions. It's very poorly run.

Okay, I've seen the movies. There's got to be some magic words that I can say to

get you to move on. Oh, like, I absolve you of your messed up life.

night caroline my messed up life yes your messed up life i don't know if you

remember but i've been writing about you and you're a dead twice divorced

wannabe musician wrote one jingle that made me hate bubblegum uh -huh and what

about you i've been around you for about 24 hours and i can tell you're no prize

you drink too much you're jealous of other people's happiness and you

just run away from any difficulty in your life

I'm not doing this. I'm not getting psychoanalyzed by some dead person.

V, you're running away.

I am not. No.

No.

Great. Thank you. I just missed Sam's call.

Hey,

I got your text.

Last night got a little out of hand.

I mean, I know it was funny how we used to not like Lexi, but she's been a great

friend to me while you've been gone.

She is also the boss.

So if I were you, I would think about apologizing.

Anyway, I guess we'll talk later.

So what are you going to do now?

Well, this is quite the office, like.

Whoa.

Ah, yes, that's the horse that bucked me, Todd. I keep it as a reminder of my

failures. Wow.

So what can I do for you?

I wanted to drop off some apology donuts. Last night I wasn't at my best

wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I promised to be more professional from now on.

Did you steal these from the break room? No, why?

Several have bites taken out of them and it says break room on the box.

Then yes, I did.

Okay, sorry, bye.

That was a pretty half -assed apology.

I mean, obviously you have something you'd like to say to me, so be a

Give me the full story.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I have an idea.

Let's take 30 seconds and tell the other person exactly what we think of them

with no repercussions.

Huh? I'll go first.

I think you are a sloppy drunk.

Oh, wow. You're just going to go right in there. Well, I think your

with your horse is inappropriate. I think that shirt looks like it was

from Wet Seal. I took the bites out of those donuts.

You still work in newspapers.

You work in newspapers.

I knew you didn't want me at your birthday party, but I invited myself

I don't think you're good enough to be friends with Sam.

When Dennis asked me to hire you, I said no.

You gave up a promising career to chase after some guy, and when it doesn't work

out, I'm supposed to pick up the pieces?

I only changed my mind when Sam told me you were in a sad spot and really needed

to catch a break.

I hired you for her.

But I am your boss, and if you don't perform, you will be the first to go,

it won't matter who you're friends with.

Okay, good to know.

I really don't think that's a fun game, by the way. That's a lot better if

you're playing with your family.

Are you here? Yep.

Oh. I keep closing my eyes and hoping when I open them I'll be in Madrid.

Oh, now what's with the face?

Some dumb reason. I thought that I would just...

Come back home and pick back up where I left off, but... Everything's changed

and I feel really disconnected from everyone.

So, what do we do then? Just sit here and feel sorry for you for the rest of

eternity? Am I in hell?

If you're with me, probably.

Oh, my God. You know, I can't listen to any more of your whining. I'm either

going to smother you with that pillow or we're going out.

Smother me.

This is so dumb.

What are we doing here? I mean, are we going to split a bruschetta?

You know you don't need those things.

I feel like everyone is staring at me, wondering what's wrong with me and why

I'm all alone in such a beautiful place.

Let me tell you something.

I was a prodigy on the piano.

I moved to California in the summer of love. I was going to make incredible

music.

And I ended up writing Yummy Yum. Oh, no, Sammy. I know.

It's embarrassing.

Because I wanted so much more.

So I got angry.

And I pushed people away.

And eventually, I climbed out of my own ass and realized that there were people

all around me, living their lives.

Not caring about what life should be, but about what it is.

And when I got that, everything changed.

I mean, look at that woman over there.

She's not self -conscious, just enjoying life as it's happening right now. You

don't have to do this.

Do what? Go to Christmas future me into thinking that if I don't change my ways,

I'm going to end up alone and all dressed up wearing some ugly turquoise

necklace. Or maybe you wear it because your husband bought it for you in Spain

for your anniversary.

Is that your wife?

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. I just can't seem to get out of my own way. I'm a mess.

Yeah, you are.

Thanks. But you know, it's okay.

Because so was I before I met Cricket.

God, I wish I could tell her once more how beautiful she is.

Excuse me.

I hope this isn't too weird, but I just thought someone should tell you how

beautiful you look tonight.

Isn't that a kick?

Thank you. And I really love your necklace.

My husband gave it to me. It's a little gaudy, but it makes me think of him.

You know, this is really out of character for me, but would it be the

thing if I asked to join you for a glass of wine?

Only if it's tequila.

I'm now.

I'm cricket.

Come in.

Hey. I got more poop bags for Arthur's business, so you're always ready.

Thank you.

Is there something else?

Technically, it's not called Asperger's anymore. It's called autism spectrum

disorder. It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people,

but... For me, it means I need structure and routine.

There's a right way to do things, and there's a wrong way to do things.

And there's not much in between.

Blank the poop back.

Yeah, kind of. But I'm an environmental lawyer, so that's just being

responsible.

The world's on fire right now.

Right. Also, I know at times I could be difficult to

live with, or so I've been told.

So have I.

So maybe we're a good match.

Well,

have a nice day.

What are the markers of a life well lived?

We tried to describe people's lives in one sentence.

She was a successful journalist.

He was an old friend and a new boss.

She was a working mom. There's too many kisses!

He was the yummy -yum bubblegum guy.

But the truth is, there isn't one sentence that can describe a life. No, I

that we're not what we're supposed to be, but I have a plan. It's taking a

little bit longer.

Because life is complicated.

Thanks, Dad.

And people aren't always who we think they are.

The real truth is, we're all a work in progress.

And so are our relationships.

The old ones we're trying to keep.

And sometimes, if we're lucky.

It's the new ones that take us by surprise. Hey, are you ready to rock our

off? Sure am. Come on, girl.

I can tell you about the agency.

Oh, please.

And since, as Monty Waxberg believed, you never really know where life is

to take you. So just open up your heart along the way and listen.

Everyone has a story if you just take the time to find out what it is.

I would tell you this is really good, but then you just want to start a union,

so instead I'm just going to upload it to publication.

Okay. Okay?

Don't let those nice words go to your head, old man.

Just trying to keep this job.

Didn't even say goodbye.

What a jerk.

Hey, I just emailed you your next assignment. A woman who ran a successful

sum restaurant in Chinatown.

On it.

I'm going to be honest because I'm deaf. Your natural deodorant doesn't work.

And why aren't you married?

Time's ticking.