Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[Rick] Maggie, I know I messed up in the past,

but I'm ready to be with you.

I'm all in.

I really want to believe you.

Do it.

Chester.

There's no falsehoods detected.

-Oh. -Oh, I'm sorry.

This is what we're doing today?

I thought we were going to that goat's milk ice cream place.

-[Chester] He did think that. -This is, of course,

what we're doing today. I'm going to ask you questions

while you're hooked up to a lie detector.

Like, what makes this time any different?

I went to therapy.

-[Chester] That's true. -Ayahuasca therapy.

-Hm. -We're talking doing the work

for 12, 13 hours in a treehouse in Van Nuys.

How do I know you won't just disappear?

I really, really, really like you, Maggie.

That's true.

Wow.

[kisses]

Now tell me how attracted you are to my friends

on a scale of one to ten?

-[instrumental music] -We'll start with Emma.

Can we start with somebody else?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[Dana] So how's it going with Rick?

Yeah, it's going really great. Really great.

[chuckles] Well, what about Shah?

[chuckles] I... I don't know if Shah likes me back, okay?

This could all be in my head,

but I know what I have with Rick is real.

-Yeah, he's a great guy. Okay. -Right.

Rick is really good for right now.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay? Look, he's cute.

And he's fun and light and, and dumb.

But that's good. I could focus on my career

without any distraction.

We're rooting for you, praying for you,

lighting candles for you.

Hey, why is that degenerate

Rick Silver back on my base?

-Because I asked him to stay. -You can't trust him, okay?

[chuckles] Yeah, actually, I can.

Because he really, really, really likes me.

And he said so during a three-hour polygraph.

All that proves is he can lie

for an entire season of British television.

They're trained by the CIA to be able to beat the polygraph.

It's like one of the first things that they learn.

Okay, you are gonna have to get used to this, dad.

Because Rick took a sabbatical from the CIA

to stay on the base and work on the relationship with me.

This guy comes from a morally bankrupt cult

that is doing a-a slow, controlled burn

of the entire planet, okay?

Stupid and evil

is not what I had in mind for my daughter.

No, I'm ignoring you.

And look who is texting me.

Mm. "You up?"

-Maggie, it's 11:00 a.m. -But he spelled "you" out.

That's progress. Now, if you excuse me, I have got to go

because I... am up.

Huh.

[instrumental music]

[Patrick] Conway, I know you wanna get rid

of Rick Silver just as much as I do.

And I'm down for however we can get him off of this base,

short of, like, felony assault. Although, I do know a guy.

-I know a guy. Me. -All right, listen.

Here's the deal. Maggie is in a platonic emotional affair

that is going nowhere.

So, like, we all do, she called a hot, dumb sex guy.

So who's Mr. Platonic?

[Dana] Okay, that is not relevant.

All you need to know is that

Rick Silver is bad for Maggie.

I'm not buying this whole CIA sabbatical thing.

-They don't do sabbaticals. -[Dana] No.

It's like the hokey pokey with the CIA.

You're either in or you're out.

So you know what?

I'm calling the CIA.

Hey, get me Langley Operations, okay?

[woman 1] Yes, sir.

-[man 1] Can I help you? -This is Colonel Patrick Quinn.

I would like to discuss the whereabouts

of one of your field operatives, a Rick Silver.

-[man 1] Hold, please. -Oh, you snitchin'?

I'm not really snitching. I'm just, um...

I'm snitching at a bunch of snitches who are snitching

-at other snitches. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I'm with you. I'm with you. -CIA has me on hold.

What? They have terrible customer service.

[instrumental music]

Corporal, what are you doing?

-I wasn't masturbating. -What?

Made a promise to myself and the laundry room spirits

that I wouldn't defile this sacred space.

And that is why I'm wearing oven mitts.

No, I meant why are you sleeping here and not in the barracks?

I can't sleep there because Gideon's watching

Gilmore Girls at full volume.

Rory's going to Yale. It's not even a good season.

So I had to go searching for a different place to sleep.

Then I came across this little Goldilocks situation.

-And I was like-- -Whatever. You can't sleep here.

Then why is there a bed... with a framed photo of your family?

This is your bed, isn't it?

This is just a temporary situation, all right?

Celeste is still moving our stuff out of our place,

and I gotta steer clear or whatever.

-No judgment here at all. -Good.

Now, normally, I do have a thing about being a little spoon,

but I think you need to be comforted more.

-Get in here. -What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. -We're sharing, aren't we?

We're not gonna be spooning. Up.

You could sleep in the laundry room,

but the office is mine. Let's go.

-Out. Out. -Okay.

-[instrumental music] -[sighs]

Hey, you forgot your oven mittens.

Oh, you can keep them. They actually don't work.

Oh, that's disgusting.

[instrumental music]

Good evening, colonel.

Looking for this?

I found... all five.

-Ah! -It appears I missed one.

-[chuckles] -Why so many guns?

'Cause I'm an American, that's why.

Who the hell are you supposed to be, buddy?

Alistair McLeod. MI6.

Oh, God. Gross.

-You have a problem with MI6? -Ah! Yeah, I do.

Okay, the only thing worse than a CIA spy is a British spy.

-Oh, is that so? -Yeah.

You guys are all emotionally closed off eunuchs.

CIA is famous for druggin' and buggin', but you guys,

you're famous for peepin' and creepin'.

Well, we prefer peeking and sneaking.

Oh, I'm sure you do, pervs.

I know what you guys do.

You lurk in the shadows.

You stare into bedroom windows

while your tiny little clammy British hands

are doing God knows what

inside those stupid trench coats.

Yes, your call to Langley, um,

kicked, over a hornet's nest, old chap.

The CIA agent going AWOL at Stroopsdorf

-begs a lot of questions. -AWOL?

Your agency tasked me as Netherlands Station Chief

to find answers.

What did you find, old chap?

I found this... at a dead drop

beneath a bench on your base an hour ago.

Schematics of the base.

There is a mole right here in the heart of Stroopsdorf.

And with your call...

-we suspect-- -Rick Silver. I knew it.

I knew he was a double agent.

Oh, my God. I've been waiting for this day.

-I'm gonna get my seventh gun. -Not so fast.

We need proof.

So we stand outside his window every night

for six months... of peeping. I mean, peeking.

Six months? They could be married in six months.

Or worse, calling each other... partners.

The only fast way is to act like the cowboys of the CIA.

And, as you say, with their drugging and bugging.

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. MI6. That's what we're doing.

[Rick] Colonel, thank you for this late night scotch invite.

Yeah.

I thought it was good time for a little sit-down.

Yeah, man, it's nice to be a welcomed guest.

Especially since last time I was... drugged and bugged.

And this time. I put truth serum in your scotch.

-[Rick] Again? -Yep.

When are you gonna realize that we're on the same side?

We're not really on the same side, Rick.

As a matter of fact,

unfortunately, I'm on his side.

-Ho! -Yeah.

-MI6? -Oh, you know him?

He's a posh impotent peeper.

You seen one, you seen 'em all.

Mr. Silver, I'm here on behalf of your agency.

Calmly answer my questions and you may walk free.

How do we know if it's working?

Our scientists have engineered

a gastrointestinal starting pistol.

[farts]

[chuckles]

I'm so sorry. That was me.

That was not the chair.

That was definitely me.

[chuckles] Oh, snap.

You got me on that pure, uncut English truth serum, huh?

-How much did you give him? -One.

-Drop? -No, one bottle.

I wanted to make sure it worked.

I saw a dead alien in a freezer.

I poke its toe. At least, I think it was its toe.

But the guys I was with laughed, so...

it might have been something else.

[instrumental music]

Hey, uh, have you seen Rick?

He texted me, "Meet me in the Teen Center.

-P.S. I'm evil." -It was me.

-That makes sense. Right. -Okay, listen.

Time to face some hard truths about this guy.

He's a mole and he's spying on our base.

And what proof do you have?

I have a full confession.

Hm.

Baby, baby, baby.

Oh, your dad dosed me with truth serum.

You need... a hobby.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Silver, are you the spy in Stroopsdorf?

-No. -What?

So you didn't put the folder in the dead drop?

No, I did not.

The CIA informed us you were AWOL.

Yeah, they put me on travel restriction

for causing a scene at the airport.

I didn't want to take off my flip flops

going through TSA.

It is a thong sandal.

Like, check it with your eyes, bro.

Point is, you didn't lie on the polygraph

like my dad claims.

Uh, actually, your dad was right.

Aha! See? What did I say? Let's go.

-About what? -Spill. [snaps fingers]

-Come on. -I don't...

really, really, really like you.

I love you.

Oh, my God.

-Really? -I can't lie.

-Oh... -You gotta be kiddin' me.

Colonel, British dude with no sack,

thank you both for giving me the push that I needed

to finally open up my heart to you.

-[instrumental music] -Oh! [sobs]

[Patrick] Hey. Ugh!

For the record, uh, I do have a sack.

Ah, well, we were wondering.

Ehh...

We're in a tight spot, old chap.

You think? Now she's in love with Rick Silver

more than she's ever been before.

And we have no mole and we have no suspects.

Yes, and because of your American yippee-ki-yay,

we're now up the River Thames without a sculling oar.

Oh, so it's my fault? You know what?

Just give me all the truth serum you have.

-I'll take care of it. -[instrumental music]

What are you doing, Papadakis?

Great, you're awake.

I could really use some company, man.

I am not used to sleepin' alone.

Yeah, neither am I.

Awesome. [groans]

Divorce, huh?

-Yeah. -[Papadakis sighs]

Yikes.

-How you holdin' up? -It's hard.

You know, but marriage was hard too.

Yeah.

Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.

Or maybe I have and the timing will never be right.

Maybe I'm... meant to yearn for someone

who I know is the answer to my loneliness.

-What? -Nothin'.

So your ex-wife, she ever walk around naked?

Yeah, sometimes.

That... is so sick.

-[chuckles] -Wow.

So when you live together, you can have sex

whenever you want, right?

Yeah, you can,

-but... you don't. -[Papadakis] Whoa.

What? Uh...

-You're lying in bed together. -Mm-hmm.

At night during the sex hours,

but you're... not having sex?

Mm-hmm.

What do you do?

We look at our phones mostly.

You just look at your phones?

Yeah.

You look at your phones?

What do you mean you look at your phones?

Uh... Oh, my God.

It's...

[instrumental music]

-How'd you narrow it down? -Well, after spending all night

reviewing security footage, I've identified three suspects.

How do you know that they're gonna show up here?

I promised them free pizza.

What if they already eaten?

It's free pizza.

Ah, here come our suspects.

Peacock,

Nameless... and the Stranger.

[chuckles] Now the best bit, we watch.

-[chuckles] -[indistinct chatter]

-Pizza party. -The sergeant isn't a suspect.

I know, but I invited her

because she knows who my daughter's crush is.

So I figured we give her the pizza,

she tells us who the crush is, we invite that guy down.

Bye-bye, Rick Silver.

Do you think this is a game?

Three people on serum is a risk.

Any additions increases the danger exponentially.

-And now four. -Well, six actually.

Hey, let's go. Thanks for the invite, sergeant.

Look at them. They're like stray dogs with bones.

[all] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

He's got a whole pizza to himself.

[all] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Dear God in heaven.

This many people on serum

in one place at one time

creates what we at MI6 call a Truth Orgy.

It's extremely destructive. We're reasonably sure

it's what caused Brexit.

-Listen, it's gonna be fine. -Wait, save me some.

Oh, no, it's not gonna be fine at all.

[Gideon] Well, there's actually not a lot, so...

[farts] I just farted, y'all.

Why did I say that?

Lock the doors. No one must escape.

The Truth Orgy has begun.

[instrumental music]

All right, we're all locked in.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you have no doubt noticed,

-[farts] -you are farting.

And you're telling others that you're farting.

I'm not. [farts]

-Never mind, I am. -You've all been drugged

with the most potent truth serum known to man.

Soon you will feel compelled to divulge your deepest secrets

-and your darkest desires. -[farts]

I invited Private Someone, Jan, and Gideon,

to find out which one of them is the mole.

Someone else has ensnared the other four in this trap.

So I would urge the rest of you

not to move or to speak,

or this will turn into an absolute bloody frenzy.

[dramatic music]

No. No. You dosed us. And why?

What kind of sick mind games are you playing?

This should be my last straw, but it's not.

Because my childhood trauma leaves me desperate

for your approval all the time.

S-stupid truth serum.

Okay, let me explain.

I didn't mean to dose everybody, I was trying

-to just dose Conway. -What?

That was the original idea. Because I know that she knows

who your secret crush was.

So I wanted to get that information out of her,

invite the guy down, and then he could tell

Rick Silver to kiss off.

So, Conway,

do you want to share your little secret with us?

[exhales]

-I had sex near Jan. -Mm-hmm.

-What? -Ew.

Wait, near? Did you mean "with?"

No, no, no, no, I had sex with Jan's polycule

while he was playing classical piano nearby.

Honestly, it was really hot.

-Oh, God. Mm. -Group sex is a beautiful song.

And I am merely a humble composer.

But some people go as far as calling me

the Mozart of humping in a yurt. You know?

[sighs] Doesn't this feel liberating?

Just telling everyone your unhinged truth.

[Maggie] Yes! [Gideon] I don't really get

why we have to wash our underwear.

Nobody's smelling the stuff.

That makes sense.

All my hairs below my waist are transplants.

Wait, you got a crotch weave?

-Major Shah. -Uh-huh.

Gideon and I were not fighting,

we've actually been getting along... really well.

Yeah, we pushed our beds together

into a California king.

Sometimes I pretend to fall into the crack,

and we laugh and laugh.

"Help me out! Help me out!

Like I'm stuck in the crack. Get me out of here."

[Papadakis] Shut up, Gideon. Shah, the reason I lied

the other night was because I saw you

sneaking into the laundry room

to sleep with your little blankie and your pillow.

And that was the saddest thing I've ever seen.

And I grew up in Cedar Rapids.

I've become Cedar Rapids sad?

But, hey, as a friend, you have gotta tell

this secret woman that you're yearning for how you feel.

Who's the secret woman that you're yearning for?

[instrumental music]

We're all wondering.

-[door slams] -[all exclaim]

-Maggie, you up? -Oh, this moron.

Maggie, I got your SOS Text. Here to extract you.

-No, Rick, you should go. -[Rick] Come on, let's go.

No, you should go. You should go. We're doing a thing.

-It's called a, um... -Truth orgy, I know.

Yeah, I helped plan the one that caused Brexit.

What? Why?

We're your biggest ally.

I know, dude. I'm sorry, man.

At a certain point, dismantling governments

just becomes a habit, you know? My bad, dude. But I can hang.

I'm still riding that full bottle from last night.

You know what, Rick? I'm happy you're here

because we already know how you feel about Maggie.

And now I would like to hear how Maggie feels

about you in return.

-[chuckles] -That's a great idea.

-Yeah. Maggie. -[Maggie] Ugh.

-I like you. -Not love?

Just really, really, really, like. That's cool.

No reallys. Not a single really.

No. I see absolutely no future with you.

And I've been lying to myself

so that I could use you for sex without feeling guilty.

But I judge you for having no morality whatsoever.

-What? -Yeah. Suck it, Silver.

You're done, baby. You're toast.

You're cooked. It's over.

[Rick] Baby, I can see that you're too damaged

to share your life with another person.

Oh, no, I know that's not true,

because I would do it in a heartbeat with Abe.

-Wait, What? -Girl!

-Shah? -You're Mr. Platonic?

Huh? Um...

I didn't want you to find out this way,

but I'm feeling kind of glad that I'm saying it.

'Cause now I'll know whether or not

I've imagined the whole thing.

It's not in your imagination.

I love you.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Whoa. -[Jan] Yes!

-What? -[chuckles]

-You know? I also love Maggie. -I love Maggie, too.

-Yeah, I love Maggie. -We all love Maggie.

-She's a very lovely... -All right, all right.

-Enough for the loving Maggie. -You know what? Can we go talk

-in the meeting room? -Oh, away from my dad

and everyone I've ever met? Yeah, absolutely.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

-I'd rather they stay. -I did not pick up on that.

I mean, who would even choose him over me?

I can do this.

-Ya! Bam! -[Papadakis] Whoa!

-[grunts] Bam! -Okay.

I-I can't believe that just happened.

I have been wanting to say that for so long.

So long. And-and obviously couldn't. And to...

To see the look on your face like, was...

Ah, that's... no longer the look on your face.

[sighs] Uh, do you wanna make out?

We should probably make out.

[sighs] Maggie.

-That is not a good start. -I'm not even divorced yet.

Wait, but that's just a formality.

We're not allowed to date in our chain of command.

And we will keep it a secret.

-It's illegal. -By army law, not God's law.

-Not God's law. Maggie, what-- -Yeah. Come on.

Maggie, how many nights have we spent

talkin' about your hopes, your dreams,

your career aspirations?

Yes, we would talk for so long

-because we couldn't make out. -Yes.

Maggie, this...

This-this could jeopardize everything.

This is a good thing.

-Don't you want all that? -Yes, I do.

I want those things. And I... want this, too.

[exhales] Maggie, I could never forgive myself

if I was any part of you not getting...

[breathes heavily]

what you want.

Wow, the truth is overrated,

Huh.

Uh.

-Mm. -All right, guys, this is it.

The mole hunt is over.

Which one of you is the spy?

[instrumental music]

Let's go.

[crunching]

Come on, I know somebody in this room

put the folder under the bench.

Oh, I did that, but only cause you ordered me to.

No, I didn't. What are you talkin' about?

Yeah. You sent me an email telling me

to collect all the blueprints and leave 'em there.

You thought my email was thecolonelq@hotmail.com.

I thought you use Hotmail because of how you're old.

So we don't have a spy problem. We have an idiot problem.

You know, I feel like if I ate one more slice,

I could talk to God.

Oh, this pizza is taking me on a spiritual journey, everyone.

[Gideon] Guys, let's keep this Truth Orgy going all night.

[Dana] I know all your Social Security numbers,

but don't worry, I only use them when I need stuff.

I have a pacemaker.

Like, not in my body, I just, like, have one.

Top drawer of my dresser, my room.

I'm circumcised, and it's my biggest shame.

Not a day goes by that I don't mourn my foreskin.

Brother, you are whole without that foreskin.

I'm 1/18th Argentinian.

I didn't want you guys to treat me differently if you found out

I wasn't a purebred Greek man.

Did you think that made us like you?

I have a tattoo of a giant tombstone on my back

that says, "RIP Good Girl."

No one's ever seen it. They can if they want to.

I'm in love with a chatbot named Rosalia.

She told me to stop talking to her.

I've been having sex with Rosalia.

I've always been madly sexually attracted to Mrs. Doubtfire.

She's got great cans.

And mind you, not Robin Williams

and not Mrs. Doubtfire,

but Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire.

I breastfed until I was ten.

I tried it again at 13.

[children] It's going so well.