Original subtitles

Maggie, I know I messed up in the past, but I'm ready to be with you.

I'm all in.

I really want to believe you.

Do it.

Chester?

It's not a falsehood. It's detected.

Oh.

This is what we're doing today? I thought we were going to that ghost milk

cream place. You didn't think that? This is, of course, what we're doing today.

I'm going to ask you questions while you're hooked up to a lie detector,

what makes this time any different?

I went to therapy.

That's true.

Ayahuasca therapy.

We're talking doing the work for 12, 13 hours in a treehouse in Van Nuys. How do

I know you won't just disappear?

I really, really, really like you, Maggie.

That's true.

Wow.

Now tell me how attracted you are to my friends on a scale of 1 to 10.

We'll start with Emma.

Could we start with somebody else?

So, how's it going with Rick?

Yeah, it's going really great. Really great.

Well, what about Shaw?

I don't know if Shaw likes me back, okay? This could all be in my head.

But I know what I have with Rick.

It's real.

Yeah. He's a great guy.

He's great.

Rick is really good for right now. Oh, wow. Okay? Look, he's cute and he's fine

and light and dumb. But that's good. I can focus on my career without any

distractions. We're rooting for you. Praying for you. Lighting candles for

Hey, why is that degenerate Rick Silver back on my bed?

Because I asked him to stay. You can't trust him, okay?

Actually, I can.

Because he really, really, really likes me.

And he said so during a three -hour polygraph.

All that proves is he can lie for an entire season of British television.

They're trained by the CIA to be able to beat the polygraph. It's like one of

the first things that they learn.

Okay. You are going to have to get used to this, Dad, because Rick took a

sabbatical from the CIA to stay on the base and work on the relationship with

me. This guy comes from a morally bankrupt cult that is doing a slow,

burn of the entire planet, okay?

Stupid and evil is not what I had in mind for my daughter. No, I'm ignoring

And look who is texting me.

You up?

Maggie, it's 11 a .m., but he spelled you out.

Progress. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have got to go because I am

up.

Conway, I know you want to get rid of Rick Silver just as much as I do. And

down for however we can get him off of this base short of, like, felony

although I do know a guy.

I know a guy. Me. All right, listen.

Here's the deal.

Maggie is in a platonic emotional affair that is going nowhere.

So, like we all do, she called a hot, dumb sex guy.

So, who's Mr. Platonic?

Okay, that is not relevant.

All you need to know is that Rick Silver is bad for Maggie. I'm not buying this

whole CIA sabbatical thing. They don't do sabbaticals. No. It's like the hokey

pokey with the CIA. You're either in or you're out. So, you know what?

I'll call them, CIA.

Hey, get me Langley operations, okay? Yes.

This is Colonel Patrick Quinn. I would like to discuss the whereabouts of one

your field operatives, a Rick Silver.

Oh, you snitch? Not really snitching. I'm snitching at a bunch of snitches who

are snitching out of snitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. CIA has me on

hold. What?

They have terrible customer service.

Corporal, what are you doing?

I wasn't masturbating.

What? I made a promise to myself and the laundry room spirits that I wouldn't

defile their sacred space.

And that is why I'm wearing oven mitts. Now, I meant, why are you sleeping here

and not in the barrack? I can't sleep there because Gideon's watching Gilmore

Girls at full volume.

We're always going to Yale. It's not even a good season.

So I had to go searching for a different place to sleep.

Then I came across this little Goldilocks situation.

I was like... Whatever. You can't sleep here.

Then why is there a bed?

with a framed photo of your family.

This is your bed, isn't it? This is just a temporary situation, all right?

Celeste is still moving her stuff out of our place, and I got to steer clear or

whatever. No judgment here. At all.

Good. Now, normally, I do have a thing about being a little spoon, but I think

you need to be comforted more.

Get in here. What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

We're not going to be spooning. Up. You could sleep in the laundry room, but the

office is mine. Let's go. Out. Out. Okay.

Hey, you forgot your oven mittens.

Oh, you can keep them. They actually don't work.

All right, let's go.

Good evening, Colonel.

Looking for this?

I found all five.

It appears I missed one.

Why so many guns?

Because I'm an American, that's why. Who the hell are you supposed to be, buddy?

Alistair McLeod, MI6.

Oh, God.

Gross. You have a problem with MI6?

Yeah, I do, okay? The only thing worse than a CIA spy is a British spy.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah. You guys are all emotionally closed -off eunuchs. CIA's famous for

drugging and bugging, but you guys, you're famous for peeping and creeping.

We prefer peeking and sneaking.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

Pervs. I know what you guys do. You lurk in the shadows. You stare in the

bedroom windows while your tiny little clammy British hands are doing God knows

what inside those stupid trench coats.

Yes, your call to Langley, um...

Kicked over a hornet's nest, old chap. The CIA agent going AWOL at Stroopstorff

begs a lot of questions. AWOL? Your agency tasked me as Netherlands station

chief to find answers.

What did you find, old chap?

I found this at a dead drop beneath the bench on your base an hour ago.

Schematics of the base. There is a mole right here in the heart of Stroopstorff.

And with your call, we suspect... Rick Silver.

I knew it!

I knew he was a double agent.

Oh, my God. I've been waiting for this day. I'm going to get my seventh gun.

so fast.

We need proof.

So, we stand outside his window every night for six months of peeping. I mean,

peeking. Six months? They could be married in six months. Or worse, calling

other partners.

The only faster way is to act like the cowboys of the CIA, as you say, with

their drugging and bugging. Yippee -ki -yay, Mr. M. I think that's what we're

doing.

Colonel, thank you for this late -night scotch you invite.

Yeah.

I thought it was a good time for a little sit -down. Yeah, man, it's nice

a welcomed guest, especially since last time I was drugged and bugged. And this

time, I put truth serum in your scotch.

Again? Yep. When are you going to realize we're on the same side? We're

really on the same side, Rick.

As a matter of fact, unfortunately, I'm on his side.

Who? Yeah.

MI6. Oh, you know him? He's a posh, impotent peeper. You've seen one, you've

seen them all.

Mr. Silva, I am here on behalf of your agency.

Calmly answer my questions, and you may walk free.

How do we know if it's working?

Our scientists have engineered a gastrointestinal starting pistol.

I'm so sorry. That was me. That was not the chair. That was definitely me.

Oh, snap.

You got me on that pure, uncut English truth serum, huh?

How much did you give him? One drop? No, one bottle. I wanted to make sure it

worked. I saw a dead alien in a freezer.

I poked its toe. At least, I think it was its toe. But the guys I was with

laughed, so...

It might have been something else.

Hey, have you seen Rick?

He texted me, meet me in the teen center, P .S. I'm evil.

It was me.

That makes sense. Okay, listen, time to say some hard truths about this guy.

He's a mole, and he's spying on our base. And what proof do you have? I have

full confession.

Hmm.

Baby, baby, baby!

Oh, your dad dosed me with truth serum.

You need...

A hobby.

Mr. Phillips, are you the spy in Spoonstall?

No. What?

See, you didn't put the folder in the dead drop.

No, I did not.

The CIA informed us you were able.

Yeah, they put me on travel restriction for causing a scene at the airport. I

didn't want to take off my flip -flops going through TSA. It is a thong sandal.

Like, check it with your eyes, bro.

Point is, you didn't lie on the polygraph like my dad claims.

Um...

Actually, Dad was right. Aha!

See? What did I say? Let's go.

About what?

Go. Come on.

I don't really, really, really like you.

I love you.

Oh, my God!

Really? I can't lie.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Colonel? British dude with no sack, thank you both for giving me the push

needed to finally open up my heart to you.

Hey.

Ah. Hold the right clothes on.

Do you have a sack?

Ah. Oh, we were wondering.

Nice. We're in a tight spot, old chap. You think?

Now she's in love with Brick Silver more than she's ever been before, and we

have no mole, and we have no suspects.

Yes, and because of your American yippee -ki -yay, we're now up the River Thames

without a sculling -all. Oh, so it's my fault? You know what? Just give me all

the tooth serum you have. I'll take care of it.

What are you doing, Poplockus? Great.

You're awake.

I could really use some company, man. I am not used to sleeping alone.

Yeah, neither am I.

Awesome.

Divorce, huh?

Yikes.

How are you holding up?

It's hard.

You know, but marriage is hard, too.

Yeah.

Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.

Or maybe I have, and the timing will never be right.

Maybe I'm meant to yearn for someone who I know is the answer to my loneliness.

What? Nothing.

So, your ex -wife, does she ever walk around naked?

Yeah, sometimes.

That is so sick.

Wow.

So, when you live together, you can have sex whenever you want, right?

Yeah, you can, but...

You don't. What?

You're lying in bed together at night during the sex hour, but you're not

sex. What do you do?

We look at our phones mostly.

You just look at your phones?

Yeah.

You look at your phones?

Oh, my God.

How'd you narrow it down?

After spending all night reviewing security footage, I've identified three

suspects. How do you know that they're going to show up here? I promised them

free pizza.

What have they already eaten?

It's free pizza.

Ah, here come our suspects.

Peacock, Nameless, and the Stranger.

Now the best is.

We walk.

Pizza party. Pizza party.

What's wrong with the suspect?

I know, but I invited her because she knows who my daughter's crush is. So I

figured we'd give her the pizza. She tells us who the crush is. We invite

guy down.

Bye -bye, Rick. Do you think this is a game?

Three people on serum is a risk. Any additions increases the danger

exponentially. And now four.

Well, six, actually.

Hey, let's go!

Thanks for the invite, Sergeant.

Look at them. They're like stray dogs with bones.

Pizza! Pizza!

Pizza! He's got a whole pizza to himself.

Pizza! Pizza!

Pizza! Dear God in heaven, this many people on serum in one place at one time

creates what we at MI6 call a true sport. It's extremely destructive.

We're reasonably sure it's what caused Brexit.

It's going to be fine. Wait, save me some.

Oh, no, it's not going to be fine at all.

Well, there's actually not a lot.

I just farted, y 'all.

Why did I say that?

Lock the doors. No one must escape.

The truth orgy has begun.

All right.

We're all locked in. Ladies and gentlemen, as you have no doubt noticed,

farting. And you're telling others that you're farting. I'm not.

Never mind, I am. You've all been drugged with the most potent truth serum

to man. Soon you will feel compelled to divulge your deepest secrets and your

darkest desires.

I invited private someone, Jan and Gideon, to find out which one of them is

mole. Someone else has ensnared the other four in this trap.

So I would urge the rest of you not to move or to speak, or this will turn into

an absolute bloody frenzy.

No, you dosed up. And why? What kind of sick mind games are you playing?

This should be my last straw. But it's not because my childhood trauma leaves

desperate for your approval all the time.

Okay, let me explain. I didn't mean to dose everybody. I was trying to just

Conway. What? That was the original idea. Because I know that she knows who

secret crush was.

So I wanted to get that information out of her, invite the guy down, and then he

could tell Rick Silver to kiss off.

So... Conway, do you want to share your little secret with us?

I had sex near Jan.

What? Ew.

Wait, near?

Did you mean with?

No, no, no, no. I had sex with Jan's polychule while he was playing classical

piano nearby.

Honestly, it was really hot.

Oh, God. Group sex is a beautiful song, and I am merely a humble composer.

But some people go as far as calling me the Mozart of humping in a yurt, you

know?

Doesn't this feel liberating, just telling everyone your unhinged truth?

I don't really get why we have to wash our underwear.

Nobody's smelling the stuff.

That makes sense.

All my hair's below my waist, a transplant.

Wait, you got a crotch weed?

Major Shaw?

Uh -huh? Gideon and I were nuts.

fighting we've actually been getting along really well yeah we push our beds

together into a california king sometimes i pretend to fall into the

we laugh and laugh help me out help me out shut up gideon shah the reason i

lied the other night was because i saw you sneaking into the laundry room to

sleep with your little blankie and your pillow and that was the saddest thing

i've ever seen i grew up in cedar rapid i've become cedar rapid fan But hey, as

a friend, you have got to tell this secret woman that you're yearning for

you feel.

This secret woman that you're yearning for?

We're all wondering.

Maggie, you up?

I was just a moron. Maggie, I got your SOS text. I'm here to extract you. No,

Rick. You should go. You should go. We're doing a thing. It's called a...

orgy. I know.

Yeah, I helped plan the one that caused Brexit.

What? Why?

We're your biggest ally.

I know, dude. I'm sorry, man. At a certain point, dismantling governments

becomes a habit, you know? My bad, dude, but I can hang. I'm still riding that

full bottle from last night. You know what, Rick?

I'm happy you're here because we already know how you feel about Maggie, and now

I would like to hear how Maggie feels about you in return.

Uh -huh. That's a great idea.

Yeah. Maggie?

I like you.

Not love?

Just really, really, really like? That's cool.

No, really.

Not a single really. No, I see absolutely no truth with you, and I've

to myself so that I can use you for sex without feeling guilty, but I judge you

for having no morality whatsoever.

What? Yeah.

Suck it, Silver. You're done, baby. You're toast.

You're cooked.

It's over.

Baby, I can see that you're too damaged to share your life with another person.

Oh, no. I know that's not true, because I would do it in a heartbeat with Abe.

Wait, what?

Girl. Sure?

You're Mr. Platonic?

I didn't want you to find out this way, but I'm feeling kind of glad that I'm

saying it, because now I'll know whether or not I've imagined the whole thing.

It's not in your imagination.

I love you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Whoa!

Yes. What?

You know...

I also love Maggie. I love Maggie, too. I love Maggie. We all love Maggie. I

love Maggie.

All right, all right. Enough with the loving Maggie. You know, can we go talk

the meeting room? Oh, away from my dad and everyone I've ever met? Yeah. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no. I'd rather they stay.

I did not pick up on that.

Who would even choose him over me?

I could do this.

Yeah! Whoa.

Pow! Huh!

Pow! Okay.

Go, go, go!

Pow! I can't believe that...

Happen? Oh, you've been wanting to say that for so long. So long. And obviously

couldn't. And to say the look on your face like... That's no longer the

look on your face.

Do you want to make out? You should probably make out.

Maggie.

That's not a good start.

I'm not even divorced yet. Why? But that's just a formality.

We're not allowed to date in our chain of command.

And we will keep it a secret.

It's illegal.

By army law, not God's law. Not God's law. Yeah. Maggie. Go on.

Maggie, how many nights have we spent talking about your hopes, your dreams,

your career aspirations?

Yes, and we would talk for so long because we couldn't make out.

Yeah.

Maggie, this could jeopardize everything.

This is a good thing. Don't you want all that? Yes, I do. I want those things,

and I want this, too.

I could never forgive myself if I was any part of you not getting what you

Wow, the truth is overrated, huh?

All right, guys, this is it. The mole hunt is over.

Which one of you is the spy?

Let's go.

Come on, I know somebody in this room put the folder under the bench. Oh, I

that, but only because you ordered me to.

No, I didn't. What are you talking about?

Yeah, you sent me an email telling me to collect all the blueprints and leave

them there.

You thought my email was thecolonelq at hotmail .com.

I thought you used Hotmail because of how you're old.

So we don't have a spy problem, we have an idiot problem.

You know, I feel like if I ate one more slice, I could talk to God.

This pizza is taking me on a spiritual journey, everyone.

Guys, let's keep this truth orgy going all night.

I know all your social security numbers.

But don't worry, I only use them when I need them.

I have a pacemaker.

Like, not in my body, I just, like, have one.

Top drawer, my dresser, my room.

I'm circumcised, and it's my biggest shame.

Not a day goes by that I don't mourn my foreskin. Brother, you are whole without

that foreskin.

I'm 118th Argentinian.

I didn't want you guys to treat me differently if you found out I wasn't a

purebred Greekman. Did you think that made us let you?

I have a tattoo of a giant tombstone on my back that says, R .I .P. Good Girl.

No one's ever seen it.

They can if they want to.

I'm in love with a chatbot named Rosalia.

She told me to stop talking to her.

I've been having sex with Rosalia.

I've always been madly sexually attracted to Mrs.

Doubtfire. She's got great can.

And mind you, not Robin Williams and not Mrs. Doubtfire, but Robin Williams and

Mrs. Doubtfire.

I breastfed until I was 10.

I tried again at 13.

Time is running out on the wall.

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