Original subtitles

You're a virgin, aren't you?

Come on, Alice.

You're 18 today and you're supposed to be my wife soon.

At least let me try out the goods first.

Why should I become your wife?

You are as charming as a plug and there's nothing about you that impresses

Well, let me show you what I can do with my tongue.

Maybe that will impress you.

Oh.

Oh my.

Oh yes.

I've never seen this.

Could it be Alice?

I can't tell. Just watch.

I guess I should put this on.

Maybe this will help me get out of here.

Where the hell am I?

I think it is home.

Who's there?

Oh, my God.

Who's there?

Show yourself.

Are you Dee, Alice?

Now, how would I know?

You see, I just knew that wouldn't work.

Well, there's one way we can definitely find out.

How's that?

The Hacker.

You're all very late for the party.

What took you so long, harebrained? We got here as fast as we could.

And I take it you're Alice.

Well, that apparently is the subject up for debate, Mr. Hatter.

I think.

I'll know the Alice when I see her. And I'm feeling you just might be her.

Excuse me?

Taller than I remember, and of course a little fuller of breath with kind

features, soft skin.

Regrettably, you're still headless, unfortunately.

Excuse me? Based on Copperfieldology, you are undeniably, unequivocally the

Alice. How can you be sure? How can I be sure of those tits? Uh, thank you, I

think. Now grab.

I think it's time to go.

Mm -hmm.

I hate to spoil you, Alice, but it is your birthday, so I got you a present.

me? I do love presents.

I have a feeling you'll love this one especially.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Tweet. Twat. How about that? While I'm fucking you.

You're turning my seven and an eight into a nine and three quarters.

I'll give you a place to hang your hat.

And in my hat you'll go.

Night, yes.

What's happening?

Oh. Where is she?

I beg your pardon, but I haven't been with your mother in quite a while.

Where is the girl they call Alice Hatter? Alice? I haven't seen her.

Perhaps if I brought you before Her Majesty the Queen, it might serve to jog

your memory.

There's an interesting idea.

From what I've... heard, she's more apt to remove someone's memory than to jog

it, but if you think that will work, I'm willing to try it on a strictly part

-time basis.

Enough of this!

I mean, where's the girl, you imbecile?

If I knew I'd be there, have you seen those tits?

Shut up. You've got no information, and you're too crazy to fuck. So what use

are you to me?

Guards, off with his head. Your Majesty, I beseech you.

What?

Your head, it's so large, sexy, and beautiful.

It begs to be hatted.

Hatted? Of course, you deserve to be hatted.

Your Majesty, you're beautiful. When was the last time you treated yourself to a

new crown, some new jewels, something slimming, perhaps?

Go on.

Well, that's about it.

If you don't kill me, then I'll make you a hat or two.

Fine with me.

Take him away.

Not again.

What a drag.

Oh, what do I do now?

Oh, the chat.

How did you get in here? What are you? Tell me now.

I'm not a what.

I'm a who.

That's a strange name.

A who?

It's a good thing you're so beautiful. Come here, young lady.

Yes, your majesty.

I don't know what you're doing here, but I'm glad you are, because I need

someone to fuck.

Oh, who, me?

So tell me, have you ever been fucked by a queen before?

Oh, you're never going to get away.

He doesn't like my choice of hats.

We've got to get out of here.

Here, here.

I haven't gotten it right yet. Give me a week.

A week?

We have to leave now or they'll kill us. Kill us?

I thought they were starting to like me.

What do I have to do to make you leave, Hatter? The only way for us to get out

is for us to acquire the Vorpal Dildo. It's our only chance.

What?

You don't know about the Vorpal Dildo?

Why, it's the enchanted sexual device that will bring harmony to Wonderland.

You're crazy.

It's hidden somewhere in the castle. It's the only way to escape.

It's your destiny.

Right. All this needs is a feather.

I'll be back later.

Or maybe some blue sequins.

Are you still here?

You're crazy.

Right then. Let's review.

Without the Vorpal Dildo, there will never be harmony in Wonderland, so no VD

means no harmony.

Okay, I'll go find it.

Mm -hmm.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Hmm. Sequence or pattern?

Wait, I've got a great idea. How about neon instead?

Yes! That's it.

Now I just need to get some neon gas and get it excited.

Yes. That'll be lovely, won't it?

Earl Grey, eat your heart out.

Speaking of Earl Grey, how about a little tea? That would be nice. Oh, yes.

I'll never get out of this place.

Why can't I just wake up from this terrible dream?

Tell me, why are you so anxious to get back to the waking world?

Oh, you scared me. Don't be afraid, my dear. I assure you I can be very gentle.

I'm sure the Queen will be pleased. Oh, my poor dear, what the Queen doesn't

know could fill a book.

Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.

Of course, it's just at the end of the hall. You can't miss it.

Oh, you wanker.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Think. Hmm. About everything.

Oh?

Oh.

Ah. Huh.

Oh. Oh.

Yum yum.

I love you.

I don't know.

What?

What?

What? What?

to be awakened in the morning, my queen.

It's just a tip.

Can you be so sure, Michael?

The guards are right behind her. We must protect her.

We're trapped!

Oh, good morning,

my little sister.

And good morning to you, my dear sister. Hopefully you come in peace.

May I ask you, what brings you and your army here to my castle today? Give me my

dildo! I'm the older sister, and it's mine!

Oh, dear sister, it is Alice's destiny.

It is her fate to awaken the enchanted vorpal dildo. It always has been.

Wait!

What?

It wasn't just...