Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

AH!

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

WE HAVE AT LAST GOT SHOT OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

THEY MET A BRITISH SUBMARINE IN THE ESTUARY,

AND BY NOW THEY WILL BE SAFELY BACK IN ENGLAND.

THERE WAS OF COURSE A LAST-MINUTE HITCH

WHEN THE PERISCOPE OF THE SUBMARINE

BURST THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE ROWING BOAT

CONTAINING THE COLONEL,

LIEUTENANT GRUBER AND CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.

THEY WERE LAST SEEN SWIMMING FOR THE SHORE.

I WILL NOT BE TO BLAME.

I WAS A LONG WAY FROM THE SCENE,

STROKING THE LADIES' ROWING EIGHT.

( knocking )

FOR ONCE I AM GLAD SHE IS HERE.

NOW THAT THE BRITISH AIRMEN HAVE GONE, I CAN TELL HER

THAT I AM FINISHING WITH THE RESISTANCE

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

NOW MICHELLE, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE:

I AM FINISHED WITH THE RESISTANCE.

THE RESISTANCE ITSELF MAY BE FINISHED.

MICHELLE HAS GIVEN ME NEWS SO GRAVE

THAT I LOOK 10 YEARS OLDER.

YOU ALWAYS LOOK 10 YEARS OLDER.

THE AIRMEN FAILED TO MEET THE SUBMARINE.

THEY HAVE BEEN CAPTURED.

OH MY GOD. WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY WERE APPREHENDED BY TROOPS OF THE COLONEL.

- ( both sigh ) - IF THEY SHOULD CRACK,

THEY MAY REVEAL THAT WE HAVE BEEN HIDING THEM,

AND THEN OUR LIVES WOULD NOT BE WORTH...

( snaps fingers ) THAT.

WE MUST COLLECT ALL THE MONEY WE CAN FIND AND LEAVE AT ONCE.

NO-- NO.

FOR THE MOMENT YOU ARE SAFE.

THEY ARE WITH THE ARMY, AND THEY WILL NOT BE ILL-TREATED.

THEY WILL REVEAL ONLY THEIR NAME, RANK AND NUMBER.

BUT WHAT IF HERR FLICK SHOULD GET HIS HANDS ON THEM?

THEN YOUR COVER WILL BE BLOWN.

THERE WILL BE NO TIME TO ESCAPE.

DO NOT WORRY. I WILL MAKE SURE

YOU ALL GET SUICIDE PILLS.

OH, THANK YOU.

THERE ARE GERMAN TROOPS MARCHING ACROSS THE SQUARE!

MY GOD, WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO?

NOW DO NOT LOSE YOUR HEAD.

THEY MAY ONLY BE COMING TO BOOK A TABLE.

WITH MACHINE GUNS?

MICHELLE, BE-- WHERE HAS SHE GONE?

I EXPECT SHE HAS GONE TO GET THE SUICIDE PILLS.

RENE ARTOIS, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

AND YOU, MADAM, I HAVE ORDERS TO TAKE YOU

TO THE OFFICE OF THE COLONEL VON STROHM

FOR INTERROGATION.

OH, WELL, IT WILL BE NICE TO SEE THE COLONEL AGAIN.

LOOK, DO YOU MIND IF WE JUST POP INTO THE KITCHEN?

JUST TO GET OUR HATS AND COATS, OF COURSE.

STOP! YOUR SERVANTS CAN BRING THEM. MARCH!

WOULD YOU TELL YOUR MAN TO BE CAREFUL WHERE HE'S PUTTING HIS SCHMEISER?

( knocking on door )

THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE HERE.

GOOD. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

SHOW THEM IN HERE.

GRUBER, THEY ARE PRISONERS.

YOU DON'T SHOW THEM IN.

YOU SEND THEM IN!

SEND THEM IN HERE!

- HELLO. - HELLO

YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED, PADDLING A TIN BATH

DOWN THE ESTUARY.

WE KNOW YOU ARE BRITISH AIRMEN.

NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

- WHAT'S HE SAYING? - I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T SPEAK A WORD OF THE LANGUAGE.

NO SPEAKY GERRY.

- WHAT DOES HE SAY? - I HAVE NO IDEA.

ME, I HAVE-A THE PHRASEBOOK READY

FOR WHEN I LEAD THE INVASION OF THE ENGLAND.

I ASK THE QUESTIONS.

ASK THEM THEIR NAMES.

WHOT... IS YO URE...

NARMY?

NARMY? I DON'T HAVE A NARMY.

I HAD A NANNY ONCE.

PERHAPS HE MEANS "MUMMY."

"WHAT IS MY MUMMY?"

SHE'S IN THE W.V.S.

THEY MAKE SOUP AND THINGS.

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

YOU HAVE-A LOST ME...

MUMMY, MUMMY-- AH.

IT MEAN

"PRESERVE THE BODY OF EGYPTIAN QUEEN."

REALLY?

HE'S VERY LIGHT-SKINNED.

WE DEMAND TO BE SENT

TO BRITISH PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

- CAMP, CAMP! - YES, YES. CAMP, CAMP...

AH, HERE IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?

HMMM!

THE CAFE OWNER AND HIS WIFE ARE HERE.

AH, GOOD. THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

BRING THEM IN.

BRING THEM IN HERE!

STAND HERE WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU.

NOW ASK THEM IF THEY KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

DO YOU KER-NO

THESE A PEEOPALY?

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

I THINK HE WANTS US TO IDENTIFY THEM.

WE... NO... KNOW

PEEOPALY.

HE DOES NOT KNOW MRS. PEEOPALY EITHER.

THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE.

WE WILL HAVE TO FIND AN INTERPRETER.

LOCK THEM IN THE CHATEAU.

GRUBER, TAKE THEM IN YOUR LITTLE TANK.

YES, COLONEL.

COME ALONG.

- Colonel: AND GRUBER-- - YES, COLONEL?

DO NOT LET THEM ESCAPE.

OF COURSE, COLONEL. I WILL KEEP THE EGYPTIAN

IN THE FRONT WITH ME.

MAY WE GO NOW, COLONEL?

YES, FOR THE TIME BEING.

BUT I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE

THAT THEY'RE TELLING THE TRUTH.

IF THE GENERAL FINDS YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THEM,

I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU.

COLONEL, WE KNOW NOTHING.

I'M SURE WE WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THEM,

IF WE HAD SEEN THEM BEFORE.

ESPECIALLY IN THOSE SUITS.

GET OUT!

COLONEL, WILL YOU BE REQUIRING YOUR USUAL TABLE TONIGHT?

( shouts ) GET OUT!

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A LOOSE "NO."

( knocking on door )

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

HEIL HITLER!

QUITE.

LANCE CORPORAL HELGA,

YOU WERE GIVEN THIS LUXURIOUS ROOM

IN ORDER TO SEDUCE HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO

INTO A QUICK MARRIAGE,

TO ENABLE YOU TO SPY ON HIM ON OUR BEHALF,

TO TRACK DOWN THE RESISTANCE

WHO HELPED THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

YOU WILL BE AWARE THAT OUR TROOPS

HAVE CAPTURED THE BRITISH AIRMEN,

AND THEY ARE NOW IN THE NORTHEAST TOWER

AWAITING COLLECTION BY ARMY INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS FROM BERLIN.

YOU ARE, THEREFORE, NO LONGER REQUIRED TO MARRY HERR FLICK.

OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

THIS BEING THE CASE, YOU WILL NO LONGER NEED THE ROOM.

YOU WILL VACATE IT BY MIDDAY.

OH, DEAR.

BUT I'VE GROWN SO USED TO IT.

( sobs )

FORGIVE MY SALTY TEARS,

BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN USED TO SUCH LUXURY,

BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A POOR WIDOWED

BAVARIAN STRUDEL-CHOPPER.

IT WILL BE VERY HARD TO RETURN

TO MY UNSPRUNG TRUCKLE BED ABOVE THE BAKERY,

WITH THE HEAT,

AND THE CHARCOAL FUMES,

AND THE BEER WITH THE BAKERS.

DO NOT GO ON. I, TOO, WILL BE CRYING.

YOU MAY KEEP IT FOR ONE MORE NIGHT.

OH, GENERAL, HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

PREPARE A LIGHT DINNER FOR US.

I WILL BRING THE CHAMPAGNE.

( knocking on door )

HERR FLICK. WHY HAVE YOU CREPT UP THE CREEPER?

ORDERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO THE GUARDS FORBIDDING MY ENTRY,

BUT NOTHING COULD KEEP ME FROM YOU.

I HAVE BEEN SLEEPLESS EVER SINCE YOU PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO ME.

I ACCEPT.

I'M AFRAID I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT?

CAN I BELIEVE MY EARS?

WHEN I WAS ASLEEP LAST NIGHT

ON THAT VERY BED,

I WAS SUDDENLY AROUSED BY A PRICKLY FEELING.

WHERE?

ALL OVER.

AT THE END OF THE BED STOOD THE GHOSTLY FIGURE OF A MONK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS A MONK?

HE WAS WEARING ROBES,

AND COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.

- THE ROBES? - NO, THE WHOLE MONK.

HE POINTED AT ME WITH HIS FINGER

AND HE SAID,

"DO NOT DO IT."

"DO NOT...

DO IT!"

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THE TIME?

NOTHING. I WAS TRANSFIXED.

THEN, HE CROSSED TO YOUR PICTURE ON THE TABLE,

POINTED AT IT, AND SHOOK HIS HEAD LIKE THIS.

( whispers ) OOH!

I REGARD IT AS AN OMEN.

YOUR STORY HAS SENT A SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE.

I WAS TOLD ONCE, BY AN OLD GYPSY

WHO I WAS INTERROGATING,

THAT ONE DAY ONE OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

WOULD KNOCK AT MY DOOR.

YOUR STORY HAS REMINDED ME OF AN EXPERIENCE

THAT HAS HAUNTED ME EVER SINCE.

MAYBE THE KNOCK IS NEARER THAN YOU THINK.

- ( banging on door ) - MY GOD! THEY ARE HERE!

IT IS VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HERR FLICK, I CAME AT ONCE.

I DISCOVERED THE GENERAL IS HOLDING

THE BRITISH AIRMEN IN THE EAST TOWER.

WE MUST INFORM BERLIN AT ONCE.

COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I'M NOT SURE WE SHOULD PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION

TO YOUR SEE-THROUGH MONK.

IF HE SHOULD APPEAR AGAIN,

CALL ME AT ONCE,

AS THERE ARE ONE OR TWO QUESTIONS

I SHOULD LIKE TO ASK HIM.

HERR FLICK, HERR FLICK,

THERE WILL BE NO TIME FOR THE GESTAPO IN BERLIN TO ACT.

ARMY INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED

TO COLLECT THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

THEY ARE TO BE PUT ON THE TRAIN FOR BERLIN IN THE MORNING.

THEN WE MUST ACT TONIGHT.

COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN, TO OUR QUARTERS.

KEEP STILL OR I SHALL STICK A PIN IN YOU.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

THESE ARE THE BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES

FOR THE WEDDING OF MY MOTHER.

WHO IS PAYING FOR ALL THIS?

YOU ARE.

IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY.

- ( sighs ) - MADAME EDITH,

THERE IS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT UP HERE.

IT IS TIGHT AT THE BOTTOM

AND LOOSE AT THE TOP.

SHE MUST HAVE READ THE MEASUREMENTS UPSIDE DOWN.

MADAME LENARE WILL HAVE TO COMPLETELY REMAKE IT.

BUT THAT WILL MEAN MORE EXPENSE.

NO NO. I CANNOT AFFORD IT. HERE, BIND THESE IN.

JUST PUT A BIT OF LACE ON TOP. IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

I WILL NOT HAVE IT.

THEY WILL BOTH HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY REMADE.

RENE, AVERT YOUR EYES.

AND STOP LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.

( faux French accent ) GOOD MOANING.

( both shriek )

I DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE A STRIPTOOSE.

QUICK, BEHIND THE SCREEN, BOTH OF YOU.

RENE!

I WILL SHOW MY MOTHER HER WEDDING DRESS.

OH, SHE WILL FLIP HER LID.

I HOPE SHE DOES NOT THONK THAT I AM A POOPING TIM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE HAD A MASSAGE FROM MICHELLE.

YOU ARE TO TELL LONDON THAT THE EARMEN

ARE BEING KIPT IN THE COSTLE.

HE MEANS "KEPT IN THE CASTLE."

GET ON WITH YOUR DRESSING.

THEY ARE TO BE ROSCUED, AND SHE HAS A PLIN.

IT WILL BE REVILED AT A LATER DOT.

WELL, AS LONG AS THE PLIN DOES NOT INVOLVE ME...

RENE, IT IS THE TIME FOR SPEAKING TO LONDON.

WELL, I CANNOT WORK THE MECHANISM

OF THE NEW AERIAL, SO HARD BUN.

I CAN WOK THE MICHANOSM,

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN IT DIN.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOU HAD BETTER FOLLOW MOO.

MAMA, IS IT NOT BEAUTIFUL?

OH, IT IS.

IT IS STUNNING!

OH, I SHALL KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

AND NOW, MAMA, ABOUT THE HYMNS FOR THE SERVICE.

I THOUGHT, "ROCK OF AGES..."

MMM, ERNEST WOULD ENJOY THAT ONE.

"LOVE DIVINE, ALL LOVE'S EXCELLING,"

HMM... HOW DOES THAT GO?

( singing badly ) ♪ LOVE DIVINE ♪

♪ OR LOVE'S EXCELLING... ♪

OH, YES, I REMEMBER IT.

( both singing badly ) ♪ LOVE DIVINE ♪

♪ OR LOVE'S EXCELLING ♪

♪ JOY OF HEAVEN ♪

- ♪ TO EARTH COME DOWN... ♪ - ( dogs howling outside )

SHUT UP! YOU'VE SET THE DOGS OFF NOW.

SHUT UP. WOOF, WOOF! SHUT UP.

RENE, WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU THE FUZZ?

I HAVE COME TO WOK YOUR ROODIO.

THE CONTROLS ARE IN THE CUPBOARD.

I WILL PRESS THE LIVER.

( moaning )

AM I NEVER TO BE LEFT IN PEACE?

( creaking )

FANNY! THE EARTH IS MOVING!

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

I WILL NOW ENGORGE THE OTHER SWOTCHES.

NO NO NO. EDITH, REMOVE THE KNOB.

( Fanny moaning )

OH, NOT AGAIN, NO.

( whirring )

I HOPE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN ON THE HONEYMOON.

WHY NOT? NOTHING ELSE WILL HAPPEN.

( on radio ) Hello, Nighthawk. Hello, Nighthawk.

Pass your message.

EDITH, WHERE IS THE CODEBOOK?

OH, RENE, THE MICE HAVE EATEN IT.

LOOK.

Pass your message. pass your message.

HELLO, LONDON.

THE MICE HAVE EATEN THE CODEBOOK.

"The mice have eaten the codebook."

I will look it up.

IT IS NOT CODE. IT MEANS THE CODEBOOK IS FULL OF LITTLE HOLES.

We'll have to charge you for a new one.

GIVE IT TO ME.

JACK AND JILL ARE IN THE NICK.

NIGHTHAWK'S IN A FUNK.

IF YOU CALL WITH NO REPLY,

IT MEANS HE'S DONE A BUNK.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, FAIRFAX,

WE COULD CUT OUR RUBBER SUITS UP INTO STRIPS,

TIE THEM TOGETHER INTO A SORT OF ELASTIC BAND,

SECURE THEM TO THE PILLAR, AND JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON.

- GOOD POINT. - AND IF WE WENT RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE

WITHOUT UNIFORMS, WE COULD BE SHOT AS SPIES.

I'VE GOT ST. MICHAEL ON MY Y-FRONTS.

THE NAZIS ARE NOT INTERESTED IN RELIGION.

( knocking on door )

( mutters ) WHO IS THIS?

WE ARE NOT OPEN.

OH, LIEUTENANT.

LET ME IN, QUICKLY. I DO NOT WISH TO BE SEEN VISITING YOU.

COME IN.

RENE, YOU KNOW THAT I AM VERY FOND OF YOU,

SO I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING THAT MAY SEEM, AS IT WERE,

OUT OF CHARACTER FOR A GERMAN OFFICER.

I DO NOT SUPPOSE IT WILL.

IF WE ARE SEEN, WE COULD BE IN SEVERE TROUBLE.

LOOK, DO NOT DO ANYTHING HASTY, LIEUTENANT.

WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE A COGNAC WHILE WE TALK ABOUT IT?

EDITH--

THERE IS A SOLDIER OUTSIDE. QUICK, HIDE BEHIND THE BAR.

WELL, I-- YVETTE, WE HAVE CUSTOMERS.

- GET DOWN. - ( yelps )

THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE TO BE

SKILLFULLY INTERROGATED IN BERLIN.

THEY WILL REVEAL THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HELPING THEM.

BUT LIEUTENANT, I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED IT.

RENE, YOU AND I KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING,

AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING.

THIS IS TRUE, YES.

IF THEY ARREST YOU, THEY WILL FIND OUT THE HIDING PLACE

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN KLOMP.

I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.

TO THIS END, I MUST DO SOMETHING.

HERE. TAKE THESE.

THEY ARE THE KEYS TO THE CHATEAU.

DO YOU WISH ME TO HIDE IN YOUR ROOM?

ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

THIS ONE FITS THE SMALL WEST DOOR OF THE CHATEAU.

THIS ONE FITS THE CELL IN THE EAST TOWER.

GET YOUR WIFE TO BAKE A TART.

HIDE THE KEYS INSIDE

AND HAVE IT DELIVERED TO THE AIRMEN.

THEY ARE VERY HEAVY.

THIS IS WHY I AM ORDERING THEIR FOOD FROM YOU.

WITH MADAM EDITH'S PASTRY, NO ONE WILL SUSPECT.

Gruber: IF THE AIRMEN COULD ESCAPE,

IT WOULD BE TO THE BENEFIT OF US ALL.

I WILL SAY NO MORE.

RENE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR,

BEHIND THE BAR, WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

HE HAS COME HERE AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK.

RENE, I MUST LEAVE AT ONCE.

YES, GO THE BACK WAY, LIEUTENANT.

IF YOU ARE QUESTIONED, DENY EVERYTHING.

RENE, WHAT IS IT YOU ARE TO DENY

IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT IT?

HE THINKS THAT ONCE IN BERLIN,

THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL TALK AND WE WILL ALL BE IN TROUBLE.

NOW HE HAS GIVEN ME THESE KEYS.

THIS ONE IS FOR THE WEST DOOR OF THE CHATEAU,

THIS ONE IS FOR THE CELL IN THE EAST TOWER.

YOU ARE TO PUT THEM IN A TART.

I WILL HAVE TO MAKE HEAVIER PASTRY THAN USUAL.

THAT WILL BE QUITE AN EVENT.

( knocking on door )

OH, CAN PEOPLE NOT READ? WE ARE CLOSED!

- ( banging ) - IT IS MICHELLE.

I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN.

WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES AS UNDERTAKERS,

GO TO THE CHATEAU WITH TWO COFFINS,

TELL THE GUARDS THAT THE AIRMEN HAVE DIED UNDER INTERROGATION,

THE AIRMEN WILL GET INTO THE COFFINS,

AND WE WILL CARRY THEM OUT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - WHAT DO I THINK?

THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS SUICIDE MISSION

YOU HAVE EVER COME UP WITH, MICHELLE.

WITH A COCK-AND-BULL STORY LIKE THAT,

WE WILL NOT EVEN GET PAST THE GUARDS.

WE DO NOT NEED TO.

WE HAVE THE KEY TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE CASTLE

AND THE KEY TO THE CELL.

THEN IT IS SETTLED. WE MOVE ON THE CHATEAU TONIGHT.

BIG MOUTH.

VON SMALLHAUSEN!

YES, HERR FLICK?

IN 30 MINUTES FROM NOW, WE ARE GOING TO THE CHATEAU

DISGUISED AS GERMAN OFFICERS

TO COLLECT THE BRITISH PRISONERS.

WHY ARE YOU NOT DRESSED?

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

THEY HAD TO ALTER THE UNIFORM TO MY SIZE.

IT IS PROMISED IN 10 MINUTES.

GO AND COLLECT IT, AND MEET ME AT THE CHATEAU.

DO NOT BE LATE.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THERE IS THE DOOR.

THE COAST IS CLEAR.

RENE--

IF WE ARE SPITTED, IT WILL NOT

BE OOZY TO RUN, CURRYING A CIFFIN.

WE WILL PROBABLY END UP IN A CIFFIN. COME ON.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

MY DICKY TICKER.

I DO NOT THINK I SHOULD ENTER THE CASTLE.

THE STAIRS WILL BE TOO MUCH FOR ME.

WELL, I THINK YOU ARE SHOWING A YELLOW STREAK.

GUARD YOUR TONGUE, MONSIEUR.

I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF BRAVE UNDERTAKERS.

- ( laughs ) - OUR HONOR IS SACRED.

- YOUR HONOR? - STOP RABBITING AND FOLLOW RENE.

SEE? THE KEY FITS.

( creaks )

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER GETTING OUT OF BED.

HAVE THEY NEVER HEARD OF THREE-IN-ONE IN THIS CHATEAU?

( gramophone playing )

( singing ) ♪ I CAN'T HELP IT... ♪

YOU DANCE DIVINELY, GENERAL.

OH, SO DO YOU, HELGA.

IT MOST BE MOST UNUSUAL FOR A GENERAL

TO BE DANCING WITH A LANCE CORPORAL.

IN WARTIME WE TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET.

MY SERGEANT'S STRIPES STILL SEEM A LONG WAY AWAY.

IN MY ESTIMATION, THEY ARE ABOUT FROM HERE TO THAT SOFA.

( crashing )

THE HINDLE CAME OFF.

COME ON.

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

I'M SURE IT WAS NOTHING IMPORTANT.

SHOULD YOU NOT INVESTIGATE?

OH, VERY WELL.

THERE IS THE STAIRCASE.

AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE IS ANOTHER STAIRCASE.

I REMEMBER IT FROM WHEN I WAS A SERVING GIRL.

IT LEADS TO THE EAST TOWER.

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

I WAS DUSTING...

AND I KNOCKED OVER A BUST...

OF NAPOLEON.

I'VE CLEANED IT UP.

- SEE THAT I'M NOT DISTURBED. - YES, GENERAL.

GOOD NIGHT.

I CANNOT CARRY A COFFIN DOWN THOSE STAIRS

WITH MY TRICKY TRUSS.

I SHALL STAY DOWN HERE AS A LOOKOUT.

I THINK IT IS NOT THE TRUSS THAT IS STOPPING YOU.

I THINK YOU HAVE NOT THE BOTTLE.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A COWARD?

IF THE CAP FITS.

YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR, MONSIEUR.

EN GARDE.

( swords clashing )

THOSE FOOLS.

STOP THEM, SOMEBODY. THEY WILL GET US ALL SHOT.

WHAT ARE THEY DEEING?

IT IS A MATTER OF HONOR. THEY BOTH COME FROM NOBLE FAMILIES.

NOBLE FAMILIES? THEY'RE OLD BURGLARS.

STOP IT, STOP IT!

YOU WILL GET US ALL KILLED.

OH, THOSE STUPID FOOLS.

WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT?

IT IS A MATTER OF A FRENCHMAN'S HONOR.

YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HONOR?

FLOGGING YOUR MUTTON IN THE SEWERS OF PARIS.

- OOH! - OH!

OW!

STOP IT!

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYBODY?

OH, HECK!

GRUBER, WHAT'S ALL THIS RUMPUS?

IT IS ALL RIGHT, COLONEL,

JUST THE GUARDS INDULGING IN A LITTLE HORSEPLAY.

MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T DISTURB THE GENERAL.

HE WILL NOT EASILY BE DISTURBED.

( owl hoots )

I'M SORRY I AM LATE, HERR FLICK.

THEY WERE STILL SEWING ON MY MEDALS.

HOW DARE YOU WEAR THE UNIFORM

OF A FIELD MARSHAL.

IT WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT FITTED.

TRY TO BE INCONSPICUOUS.

HALT!

MY NAME IS CAPTAIN HEISENGERKIN.

I AM HERE TO COLLECT THE BRITISH AIRMEN. LET ME PASS.

I'M SORRY, I CANNOT ADMIT ANYBODY

OF A RANK LESS THAN MAJOR.

HOW ABOUT A FIELD MARSHAL?

PASS, FIELD MARSHAL.

FOLLOW ME, CAPTAIN HEISENGERKIN.

MICHELLE, I HAVE JUST HEARD SOMEBODY MOVING ABOUT UPSTAIRS.

LET US GET OUT OF HERE WHILE WE STILL CAN.

WE CANNOT YET ABANDON OUR MISSION.

WE WILL HIDE DOWNSTAIRS UNTIL ALL GOES QUIET.

SHH!

( swords clashing )

OH, NO. NOT AGAIN.

ENOUGH! STOP IT.

STOP IT, YOU OLD FOOLS.

WOULD YOU BEHAVE YOURSELVES?

GRUBER, WHAT IS GOING ON?

NOTHING OF WHICH I AM AWARE, GENERAL.

GRUBER, WHAT IS ALL THIS NOISE?

WHO ARE THESE OFFICERS?

I DO NOT KNOW. I'M VERY CONFUSED.

STAND ASIDE FOR FIELD MARSHAL VON CRANCKENFART.

YOU ARE NOT FIELD MARSHAL VON CRANCKENFART.

AN IMPOSTER. CALL OUT THE GUARD!

CALL OUT THE GUARD!

Man: CALL OUT THE GUARD!

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE CALLING OUT THE GUARD.

LET US SCARPER.

WAIT FOR MOO.

WHO'S MOO?

( theme music playing )