Original subtitles

The Mayor will give a state-of-the-city address in an hour.

I cannot overstate the delicacy of this.

P.c. watchdogs will be out in full force,

particularly after the Mayor's performance this weekend.

Mike, it was essential

that he attend that unity pride day.

By jumping up on that stage and performing with that rap band,

he showed those kids he understood their world.

Carter, I've got nothing against rap music.

I happen to like "the rap music."

But whether it's rap, country and western, or a damn show tune,

the Mayor should not be singing any song called "yo bitch."

Skateboard accident.

I've seen you dislocate your shoulder

running for an elevator.

Stay off the skateboard.

This little monster comes barreling down the sidewalk,

so I manage to avoid him, right ?

But I'm thrown off-balance,

and his kid sister nails me with her big wheel.

So technically, it's a big wheel accident.

Those things come equipped with hand brakes,

so if I were you I'd be asking myself,

"was it really an accident ?"

Looking back at the past 12 months

I've been in office...

I can point with pride to the many accomplishments

of my administration.

Crime is down.

You are now less likely to be murdered

or violently assaulted on the streets of this city...

...than at any other time

in the past 20 years.

At the same time...

we are experiencing a cultural renaissance.

Once again, New York is a mecca

for filmmakers, musicians,

writers, and television producers.

And, uh...

...this both contributes to our tax base

and attracts thousands of visitors

to our city each year.

Now, if it wasn't for...

Please, dude, I said I was sorry.

You think this...

...means I'm sorry ?

This was a state-of the-city address

seen by millions of New Yorkers,

and do you know what our message was ?

Crime is down, jobs are up,

and the Mayor hates deaf people.

Back off, pal. I'm just a temp.

Ha ! Just a temp !

And, you ! Where did you find this guy ?

Temp agency.

Paul, I'm thinking of having you replaced with a monkey.

Why did the agency send you over, anyway ?

His resum� said he knew sign language.

He lied on his resum�, Mike ?

It would appear so.

You guys telling me

you never lied on your resum� ?

Never. Nope. No.

Not a chance. Not me.

Nope. Not me, either.

Uh, I'm still gonna get paid for today, right ?

Oh, yeah. The, uh, "check is in the mail."

So, what exactly is the purpose of this meeting ?

Sarah Edelman is coming by

from the New York coalition for the hearing impaired.

I'm trying to make an overture to the deaf community.

She's deaf ?

Yeah, Paul. Makes for a better overture.

So how come Stuart gets to go and I don't ?

Because we're trying to actually accomplish something.

Because Stuart knows sign language.

You just worry about getting better.

Claudia staying at your place,

taking good care of you ?

Ho ho ! Is she ever !

I have 2 words for you gentlemen... sponge bath.

You know what Claudia's doing, Paul ? She's nesting.

Nesting ? That's right.

Next, her earrings will be on your night stand,

her toothbrush in your medicine cabinet.

She'll show up at your door with a bunch of twigs in her beak.

Oh, wow. That can only mean one thing...

Claudia wants to lay her eggs in my apartment.

Oh, she'll lay them in your apartment,

but they're gonna hatch in a house

you can't afford on long island.

We'd like to convey our sincerest apologies

for the events that took place this morning.

Can she understand me ?

Yes. She understands.

Gee, Stu, how'd you ever pick that up ?

Well, that was easy. Thanks for coming up. It's always nice

dealing with somebody who is so understanding.

No, she understands you because she reads lips.

She does not, however...

understand how this administration

thinks it can get away with a

simple, empty, insincere apology.

Because it's always worked before ?

Yeah... ok, Mike.

I think I've warmed her up.

Why don't you bring this one home ?

Nice meeting you, ma'am.

Uh, please.

Ms. Edelman...

uh, may I call you Sarah ?

Go for it.

Sarah, we're well aware that words alone

cannot undo the hurt and pain

that we've inflicted upon these most valued members

of our community.

What'd she say ?

"Can you believe this..."

followed by an expletive referring to cow dung.

Ok.

Sarah, uh, I'm gonna level with you.

We screwed up.

And... and I don't have a good excuse ready.

She appreciates your candor...

but she thinks

that anything less than a public apology

would be viewed by the hearing impaired community

as a slap in the face.

You got it. And if it makes you feel any better,

feel free to slap Stuart in the face.

No. That's not funny.

If I can add on a personal note,

it's always great to reach out to members

of the hearing impaired community,

though may I add, in this case,

it's particularly great.

She says that politicians are always trying

to charm her, but in this case,

it's particularly annoying.

Charming.

It's particularly charming.

Aren't our resum�s supposed to be kept confidential ?

Why, Mr. Heywood ? You have something to hide ?

No.

When were you a clerk for the united nations ?

Hmm ?

Oh ! That.

Um, actually, it was the model united nations,

you know, in high school.

Ohh ! It was a very big deal.

Paul, between your junior and senior years,

you ran a re-election campaign

for Sheik Taranchi of Jordan ?

That is correct.

But Jordan's a monarchy.

They don't have elections.

It was a grass-roots movement.

Janelle, when do you know you have to go to the dentist ?

You got a little toothache there ?

Yeah. I was chewing on my pen, on the end of it,

and I think I cracked my molar right in half.

Ahh.

I'll make an appointment.

Aaah !

Nikki, you got aspirin ?

Yeah, I do. I can't believe

the way you people lie on your resum�s.

Really ! When was the last time you typed 110 words per minute ?

Probably the same day you spoke conversational Farsi.

Look at this...

James Leonard Hobert III claims he can tap dance.

Were you considered cool in Wisconsin ?

If you're looking for your remotes,

I used my glue gun to put a strip of velcro on each one

and mounted them to the side of the TV.

I never used to have trouble finding my things.

What does that mean ?

Nothing. Nothing.

Before you cleaned my apartment,

I knew where everything was, and you had to ask.

Now you know where everything is, and I have to ask.

This place was a mess before I cleaned it up.

I found a half cream cheese sandwich...

underneath the sofa, on top of the magazines.

I knew exactly where it was ! I put it there !

It's gone now !

I've... I gotta shower.

Honey, let me help you.

No, no, no. I can bathe myself.

Anything I can't reach I'll just use my loofa on a stick.

Ok. Well, be careful.

Remember not to get your cast wet.

I remember. I remember.

Watch out for my bird in your shower.

What ? !

Rawwk ! Ahh !

Hiya, Mike. Back from the dentist ?

Oh, this ?

Bird in the shower.

Broke all 5 toes in my foot.

I can't believe this guy is my press secretary.

When I had my wisdom teeth out,

I was in bed for 3 days,

and I had put it off,

so by the time I got it, the roots had twisted

around and around and around...

Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

The apology press conference is all set up.

I invited a hearing impaired reporter to cover it.

Charming fellow.

This Novocain is supposed

to shield me from the pain,

and yet I still hear him.

There he is ! Hiya, Tim !

Thank you for having me here.

Thank you for coming.

What are you saying ?

What do you mean, what am I saying ?

Are you making fun of me ?

No. I'm just trying to tell you

that I'm sensitive

to the needs... feelings of the deaf community.

Oh, no.

Stuart. Damage report.

Engine number 4 is in flames, and we're losing altitude fast.

Needless to say, we're suspending beverage service

in the main cabin.

Nikki, damage report.

Ms. Edelman has quite a bit of clout.

She's organized a demonstration tomorrow outside city hall.

She's gotten support from special interest groups

with hearing impaired constituents. Check out this list.

Hey ! Gay and lesbian liberation union. That's me !

Uh, Mike, can I have tomorrow morning off ?

I assure you, in the future, our screening process for interpreters

will be much more thorough. We're going to throw out

all the applicants who don't know sign language.

As for yesterday, any of you who have had major dental surgery

can appreciate what I was going through.

Mr. Mayor, will there be a formal reprimand

of your deputy Mayor ?

This man did nothing wrong.

I mean, have we finally reached a point

where anything can be taken out of context

and cause a politically correct house of cards

to come tumbling down ?

It's like that interview I did last year

I caught all that flack for.

What was it that I referred to the Latino community as ?

Um... ahem.

Lateenies, sir.

Paul, you should see Chester.

His feathers are ruffled, his beak's quivering.

He's been in attack position all day.

You really spooked him.

I spooked him ?

Jeez, that thing practically tore my face off.

I kept waiting for Alfred Hitchcock to yell "cut."

Ok, sour puss. I'll make this quick.

I'm gonna stop by the store on my way home.

Do you want me to pick up some more

of those pudding packs you like ? No.

No pudding packs ?

No.

For god sakes, Paul. What's wrong ?

Claudia, I'm 35 years old.

I've been living on my own for almost 4 years now.

What are you saying, Paul ?

I'm set in my ways.

I'm not used to having people hanging their pets

in my shower, their clothes in my closet,

or their feminine accessories all over my sink.

My moisturizer ?

This morning I mistook it for my toothpaste.

Now everything I eat tastes like your neck.

I think I understand, Paul. I'll see you tonight.

Neck.

* o'er the land *

* of the free *

* hee ! *

* and the home *

Ok ! Fine ! Piano, 3 octave range.

Check.

All this proves is that you were

a lonely, geeky kid.

You know what, Stuart ? I wasn't lonely.

I had my music.

No, I gotta agree with the Mayor on this.

This p.c. thing is just way out of control.

I'm with Mike.

Stu, I know you're being supportive,

but when you do that, it just makes me doubt myself.

If we have to apologize every time

we unintentionally offend somebody, where does that end ?

If I'm on a street singing "girls just wanna have fun,"

as I often do,

should I apologize for suggesting

that guys just want to work ?

No, but you would have to apologize

for using the term "girls" instead of "women.'

There you go, right there.

When does a girl become a woman ?

One day with me.

Stu, I'm begging you. Jump to the other side.

Give me a break, Mike. We're a dying breed.

Who's looking out for the white, middle class, heterosexual male ?

Congress.

You know, Sarah, when you told me

not to bring Stuart because your friends knew sign language...

silly me, I took that to mean

they'd be able to interpret for me.

Thank you.

Ok, don't worry about me.

I'll just entertain myself.

* oh, girls just wanna have fun *

* that's all they really want *

* oh, girls *

* just wanna have fun *

* that's all they really want *

* some fun *

* come home in the middle of the night *

* my mama says what you gonna do with your life ? *

* oh mama dear, we're not the fortunate ones *

* 'cause girls just wanna *

* have fun *

* oh, girls just wanna have fun *

* that's all they really want *

you know what ? We should probably talk about your demonstration plan.

What ? What'd I do now ?

All right, I get what's going on here.

This is very clever.

You're teaching me a lesson

about what it's like to be excluded.

Well, not only do I not need that lesson,

I don't deserve that lesson.

So, good night. Enjoy your dinner.

Wait, Mike. Don't go.

You can speak.

No. You're hearing things.

Ok. Here are your remotes...

TV...

VCR,

cable box,

stereo,

and garage door opener.

Where are you going ?

Home. But not to worry.

I put all your dirty laundry back on your floor,

I sprayed a ring of filth around your tub,

and I even made you a half a cream cheese sandwich

and put it where I knew you'd find it.

It was nice getting to know you.

I hope you find true happiness someday.

Good-bye. Good-bye ?

Goodbye, Paul !

Claudia !

Ow... ooh !

Claudia ! Claudia ! Claudia, come back.

Come back, Claudia. Please !

Please don't leave me !

Claudia, please ! I'm getting rug burns !

Claudia ! I love you ! I love...

oh, Claudia. Oh, please, please !

The apartment seems so empty without you.

You mean it, Paulie ?

Nah, it started out rough,

but I gotta tell ya, Sarah and I are having a great time.

Yeah. Oh, listen, I gotta go. Here she comes. Bye.

You don't have to whisper, Mike.

Sorry.

Wait... how did you know I was whispering ?

You make a funny face.

You know what's great about this ?

I don't often get the opportunity

to meet someone like you,

and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known

that you're such a beautiful, charming,

intelligent woman.

Say that again.

Oh ! I'm sorry. I was just saying

you're a beautiful, charming, intelligent woman.

I understood you.

I wanted to hear it again.

Suppose I wanted to take you out for dinner.

How long would it take me to learn sign language ?

I don't know, uh, about a year.

How about lunch ?

If you don't talk with your mouth full,

we'll be fine.

You know, I hate to do this,

but it's getting late.

We'd better talk about work.

Go ahead.

Ok. You... you know what I think ?

I think you knew that our administration had no bad intentions

towards your organization.

You were just being opportunistic to further your own cause.

So ?

So I think you have to make a choice.

You can either trust me when I say

that this Mayor is good for your organization,

and while I can't make any promises,

we want to work on issues that matter to you,

or you can have your demonstration,

draw your battle lines, and take your chances.

You want me to trust you ?

Will you look at this face ?

You want me to make a decision right now ?

Uh, no. We... we... we...

we can finish our coffee.

New York is a progressive city

when it comes to the rights of the hearing impaired.

But be assured, we will not be resting on our laurels.

We understand your concerns,

and I'm sure our response is coming in loud and clear.

Now, I don't

literally mean loud and clear.

What I means is, um...

I know what you mean.

Thank you for your understanding.

Uh...

this means horny.

Ok. Well.

This means horny.

I'll make a note of that.

Time !

20 seconds. A new record.

Ah, you don't know how many women have said that to me !

All right, outta the chair. Outta the chair.

Mike, I gotta go to the bathroom. I need the chair back.

You're gonna have to hold it for no more than, what, 20 seconds.

On your mark... get set...

hold on, Mike, please ?

Go ! And he's off !

Flaherty looks strong.

Coming up to the first turn !

He negotiates it with ease ! Look out, pal.

Hey, good-looking ! How you doing ?

And around we go ! Look out, people.

Mike Flaherty, king of the wheelchairs

looking good as he goes into the final stretch

on his way... to...

...victory.

I'm wondering, why do you have the college

that you graduated from, but not whether you got a B.A. or a B.S. ?

I didn't ? Let me write that in.

Why don't you put down B.S. ?

'Cause you didn't graduate from college, did you ?

No, I did. I did ! I was there for 4 years.

Who's gonna stay a fifth for 2 lousy gym credits ?

Certainly not the guy who's gonna buy us beer for the rest of the night.

Aah !

Well, that was a treat.

I do what I can. Why is there no music ?

Mmm. Jukebox is broken.

Say, sport, is that gonna be much longer ?

Hey, don't ask me, man.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

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