All language subtitles for Nothing.Good.Ever.Happens.2016.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Pretty chilly out today.

- Little bit.

- Could be worse.

- Could be a lot worse.

- Not so bad.

- I can't complain.

Nobody would listen anyhow.

Would you mind if I touched your face?

- Okay.

- Thank you for that.

- No problem.

- Well I gotta get going now.

- Bye.

- Hey.

- I never said that.

♫ All of the people who
would rather be by themselves

♫ Aren't inherently unhappy ♫

- Sometimes I look up at
the moon, and I wonder,

is someone else looking up
at the same moon at the same

time with me?

And do they wish they were dead too?

♫ Let me a few things off of my chest ♫

I'm Neil Michael Adler.

Where do I start?

I'm Jewish, well, my Dad's
Jewish, so, I'm half Jewish.

Actually to people that like
Jews I'm not, but, to people

who hate Jews, I'm definitely Jewish.

Regardless, I'm fairly certain
that God did not choose me.

I'm kind of sad, not really
sad, I just mean, I can be

sad at times, I've always
felt like this was my default,

but, I look at a flower and I get sad.

I have a great kiss and it makes me sad.

Can't exactly tell you why,
but, this is just the way I am.

I do enjoy life, sadness is
just kind of like a companion.

I've got my own business and I like that.

I paint which is awful, but, I like it.

Most importantly though, there's Amanda.

She's my little slice of Heaven.

She keeps me honest and
makes me a better person.

With her, everything stays together.

It's almost easy.

I know a lot of people say
you shouldn't put all of your

eggs in one basket, well I'm
here to tell you, those people

have shitty baskets.

They don't have Amanda.

♫ You can find me at the show

♫ I'll be sitting in my car

♫ Pretending I'm not noticed

♫ Pretending that I'm fine, I'm fine

♫ You can find me at the show

♫ I'm a little bit too
early again so I'll just

♫ Be over there and I can feel
you staring but I feel fine

♫ I'm not fine, I don't even
know what that word means

♫ Though I'm not fine,
I'm not fine, I'm not fine

♫ You can find me at my place
on the corner doing my best

♫ Not to come up nervous so I look fine

♫ Maybe a little tired but fine

♫ You can find me where I work

♫ Where I just turn my emotions off

♫ Unless you wanna see the
real thing you'll get fined

♫ And you look fine

♫ And I'm not fine

♫ I don't even know if that
word signifies a meaning

♫ No I'm not fine, I'm not fine

♫ I'm not fine

♫ I'm not fine

♫ I'm a little afraid
that this is what okay is

♫ That I'm not fine

♫ I'm not fine, I'm not fine

♫ And no I can't come to your party

♫ There are just gonna
be so many people there

♫ And they would be happy
and they would be drunk

♫ And they would tell
me how awkward I walk

♫ What's a fate worse than that ♫

- I was hoping that was you.

I know it's been hard but
I got something for you.

It'll take great care of you.

- I don't wanna know.

- It's home made.

- I won't be drinking that.

- Trust me, when I fractured
my elbow I drank two glasses

and I didn't feel shit.

- I don't want it, I'm just
gonna stay here, clean my place

and try not to think about
it, it's what guys do.

- So I'm gonna leave this right here.

I care about you, stay strong angel.

- Yep, bad as it looks.

Can you hear me?

- Daniel Madigan Memorial,
we pumped your stomach,

you're going to be okay.

- Yes, you drank bleach.

You slept through most
of your suicide watch,

how do you feel?

- It was an accident.

- I'm sure it was.

- God damn it, I didn't mean to.

Honestly you're probably looking
at court ordered therapy,

same thing happened to my
sister's daughter, she's a mess.

Well maybe you know her,

her name's,
- Can I speak to my doctor

please?
- Alright, but watch your tone

unless you like your sponge
baths rough.

So what seems to be the problem?

- I was just trying to explain
that I didn't try to kill

myself, it was all an accident.

- Well, let's take a look.

Nope, you attempted
suicide, says so right here.

- I know you feel pressured to be here.

- Yeah, the court ordered me
to, so yeah, I'd say that's

some pressure.

- But I want you to open up
to me, I really know I can

help you.

- I didn't try to kill myself.

- So you're telling me that
the day your girlfriend of six

years moves out, you
accidentally drink bleach after

drinking yourself stupid?

- I thought I was drinking more alcohol.

- That's not what happened.

- Are you embarrassed
because you didn't succeed?

Is it because it wasn't
a very manly way to die?

You must have changed your
mind since you called 911.

Do you feel like a coward?

- Fuck you.

You're supposed to be there for me,

you're supposed to be my friend.

But you know what?

Now you're just a fucking bummer.

Fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Shouldn't we get this fire going?

- Absolutely, man.

- That's kindling.

- Relax, they're just

children's letters to Santa.

Nobody reads these letters.

It's fine, I already removed the stamps.

- It's just like killing a
piece of childhood though.

Then your childhood is dead, get over it.

- Maybe I'll just get some
face time with Amanda.

Maybe we can talk it out.

She just left out of nowhere.

- Yeah dude, we were happy
and then she was just gone.

- She wouldn't answer, so I'm
just gonna have to find her

when she's out.

- I guess stalking is a slightly
better idea than killing

yourself, but only slightly.

- I make a living doing art for clients.

It's great not having a boss.

Instead I have about 40 bosses.

I always have to keep gaining new clients.

It's a pretty simple five step process.

Step one, look presentable.

Step two, be prepared.

Step three, doubt yourself.

Step four, cheese burgers.

Step five, properly hide the
fact that you are just a child

that never grew up the same
way everyone else must have.

You must lie to this person or
persons to make them believe

that you aren't actually two
eight year olds on each other's

shoulders underneath a long coat.

They must believe the lie.

- Yeah, yeah, I like it.

I like it a lot.

Tell you what, though.

I would like it more if it
was a bit more blue, yeah?

- Okay, I mean, it is blue.

More.

Not like royal blue, just, you know, blue.

- Alright.

- Hey baby.
- Hi.

- Yeah.

Okay.

- Are you really that surprised
that there was someone else?

- Yes.

You didn't see that coming?

- Well her Facebook did always
say that she was bisexual,

but I just thought she did
that to seem more likable.

- She didn't have like, jet
black hair and piercings,

did she?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- That's Miha, she works at
the Brew Hut, she's awesome.

- Oh I'm sure she's so great.

Where's my burrito?

- Oh, sorry, hot lesbo action

always throws my concentration.

- The knife to cut my food.

- Oh, I didn't get you one, you know.

- So you stopped me from
getting a plastic knife because

I can kill myself with it?

Seriously?

- You're right, I'm never caring again.

- Are you upset because
she doesn't have a penis?

And you feel like you don't
have a penis, and you thought

she left you because you don't
have a penis, but now that

she's with someone else without
a penis, you feel like she

should be okay being
with you without a penis?

- Oh shit I'm sorry man, excuse me,

I'm sorry.
- Yeah, excuse you.

Were you too busy thinking
about the sale on black hair

dye to pay attention
to where you're going?

- Okay, just take it down a
notch buddy, like we don't need

to do this, you don't need to
come at me talking about black

hair like this.
- Just walking along minding

my own business and you just run into me.

- Okay man, I know, and
I'm sorry, are you hurt?

- Yeah, I am hurt, your
actions affect other people,

not that you care.

- Um, you're right, you're right, so uh,

you have somewhere to go tonight?

- Like, can I call a friend
for you, like a family member,

anything, can I?

- Alright buddy, there are
organizations around here that

help people that are in your
certain situation, and that's

okay, that's fine, I mean--
- I'm not homeless.

- Wait, wait.

Are you Neil?

- No.

- Aww, dude, you're totally Neil.

Ah God now it makes so much more sense.

Even though I'm not really
too sure that was the best way

to go about it, but
that's okay, that's okay,

I understand--
- Yeah well you stole her

away from me.

- Look man, if you still want
to be with someone in love

with you anymore, then you've
got bigger problems to worry

about than me.

- Well.

Give me your phone?

- No just, just trust me,
trust me, I'm just putting my

number in here, okay, uh, that
way, you know, if you need

to talk, I can listen, okay?

- Oh so I'm supposed to talk
to the girl who stole my

girl friend about my problems?

- Hey man, if you have a better
idea then go with that one,

okay?

Take care of yourself.

- Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!

Okay, you gotta be reasonable.

Just think reasonably, logic and reason.

Alright, so, right, okay.

If I can't figure out my
problems by the time this Chinese

food is gone, I'll just die.

That's it, I'll be nothing, period.

♫ Life's too hard

♫ And when I'm hurting

♫ You say you cannot keep control

♫ Cannot keep your hands off me

♫ So what's that mean?

♫ What are you seeing? ♫

Right.

Hey.

Would you still love me
if I wasn't an artist?

- Probably not.

(knocking

- Uh no, I'm just waiting for
the Chinese place to open.

- I own the place.

Don't be racist.

- Okay.

You know when my parents
retired, I took this place over.

- Yeah I know you only ever
hear of white people adopting

Asian kids, right?

- I didn't mean it like that.

- Don't sweat it man, I've heard it all.

My parents actually did
pretty well by this place, so,

I ended up going to an
expensive prep school.

That was fun.

- I was a Jewish kid.

- Don't piss me off or I'll do your taxes.

- So, you love my lo mein so
much you'd wait out all night

in the parking lot for it?

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Well, it's a family recipe.

I think it's the best in town.

I think our authentic
stuff's even better, though.

- That sounds great.

- I could whip you up some
duck blood if you want?

- No I'm actually gonna
pass on that, I think.

You doing okay?
- Yeah.

- Comfort food's kind of a
funny business, you catch people

at their best and at their worst.

People celebrate their job
promotions with egg rolls,

they also amend broken hearts with them.

- Makes sense.

- I'm gonna whip you up the
biggest plate of lo mein

you've ever seen.

- Thanks.

- It's on the house, too.

- You don't have to do that.

Well just promise me something.

- I don't want to see
you here all the time.

Start making a difference for
yourself today, accept help.

- It was totally from a fortune cookie.

- God I hate you.

- I know.

- Okay, here you go.

- Nope, two.

Tolerance has gone up.

- But not my tolerance
for blacks, right Jew boy?

- Dave's go to for ice
breaking has always been

hilarious racism.

- Yeah I know.

- Well hey, I'm happy
that you came out though.

Does it feel good to get out of the house?

- I get out of the house.

- He never leaves.

Except to get take out or
have meltdowns on lesbians.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

- No man, don't worry about it, it's fine.

Hey let me talk to you
something real fast.

I just want you to know that
I understand what it's like

to be upset and in pain.

Look man I have made countless
mistakes, probably more

than you have.

Look.

- Okay.

- So when I was younger, I went
through a lot of pain trying

to figure who I was.

The only thing that made sense to me

was taking it out on myself.

- Yeah dude, like cutting.

I mean I don't have any
scars, I never did it,

but I thought about it.

A lot.

So have you thought
about like, I don't know,

doing something to distract
yourself like, I mean,

you're a painter, aren't you?
- Yeah.

- That's the problem with
making your hobby into your job.

It kills the relaxation factor.

- He's right.

- Well then let's hope that
no one starts paying you to

make girls uncomfortable at
the public library, Dave.

- Maybe I should meet somebody.

- Yeah, dating could be fun.

I mean, if you're ready for it.

You know what?

I am actually on this
really great dating app.

Let me text it to you real fast.

- No, that was purely sexual.

Be an adult.

- I've been on the app
for a while and I love it.

- Yes.

Okay come on, let's take a picture.

Whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing?

- Yeah, and this app is
strictly photo based man, so you

have to make it count.
- You were doing duck face.

Don't do duck face, fuck face.

- He helps in his own way.

Okay, here.

Try a high angle and smile.

You don't have to poop.

- Nope.

- Just think of the Holocaust.

- Asshole.

- Okay, do you think we could
make it just a little bit more

eye catching?

- Yeah I'm sure I could pump it up.

- Awesome, because I was
thinking like a bird but like a

powerful bird, like a blue
jay and it's just, it's eyes

are piercing, it's coming at
you, you know, something to

tell the people, we're smart,
we're capable and we're

understanding, you know?

Like any great bird.

- Right.

- A bird, a bird, like a
blue jay but it's powerful,

you know?

Something to tell the
people what we're all about.

- You're a landscaping company.

- Yes.

- I don't want a bird,
I want a powerful bird,

that tells the people we're
coming for you, you know?

Does that make sense?

- Yes.

- Bird.

- Come on dude, paycheck,
paycheck, come on, be there.

Nah, dog.

- Alright time for a flaw check.

Minimal acne.

Hairline not receding enough yet.

Eyes could be wider.

Teeth.

Well I did the best I could.

I'd say I'm rocking my substandard
genetics at about 110%.

Here goes nothing.

Door's open.

- Hey it's Neil from the internet.

- I hope so.

Have a seat, stay a while.

- Oh I'm in medical school
so that's basically my life.

Do you do college?

- No, I didn't even finish
high school.

- Cool.

So do you want to have sex?

I can't stay up all night
until we get to it organically.

- Yeah, sure.

- Tomorrow is my happy day, I
get to sleep in until 10 AM,

then study, I don't have
to put pants on ever.

Not even once.

- I just thought maybe--

- It's 10:30.

- Okay, Breaking Bad time.

- I'm studying to be a doctor,

I miss out on pop culture stuff.

You're welcome to leave or stay here.

- Cool.

♫ When a car drives by
my heart starts to pace

♫ I'm trying to go sleep
but it just ain't the case

♫ Took me so long to see all these things

♫ And I'll be damned if
my phone never rings ♫

Time to get some real work done.

♫ Anywhere for you, it's true

♫ I'm waiting and waiting for you

♫ Just you

♫ Waiting and waiting for you

♫ All night

♫ I'm waiting and waiting
for you to make it alright

♫ When you were beside me it felt so good

♫ Slept better than I knew I
could, before it was hard ♫

It's just so wild to feel this way.

I know it's sudden, but, she
just makes me feel all crazy,

makes my chest feel funny
just thinking about her.

- You were with your last
partner for a long time.

New things are exciting.

- It's more than that, she's
just really honest and direct.

- Just Fridays mostly.

Mostly?

- Only Fridays, she's in
medical school, so she doesn't

have a lot of free time.

- Not exactly, but you know,
it's hard being a doctor.

- Yeah, but I mean, I had
lots of boyfriends when I was

in medical school, it wasn't
that difficult to keep up.

- I was kind of a slut
now that I think about it.

- Good to know.

- I just think it would be good
for you not to put all your

eggs in one basket, especially
after you've had a huge

life event.

- You know, the killing yourself thing.

- I told you I didn't do that.

- And I told you I don't believe you.

I just think you should fill
your time with other things

until you see her again.

- I guess so.

- Plus you met her on a hookup app.

- It's not just for hookups.

- Yeah, it is.

I joined and it was like being
dipped in a piranha tank.

- Not anymore, I'm not pathetic.

♫ They say the dead don't talk

♫ Why are you not shutting up

♫ Because you're done
with him you're dead to me

♫ And the dead don't talk

♫ Gun fire ♫

- Hey man I haven't seen you lately.

- Yeah I just kind of stay in a lot.

- Yeah I know you've been going
through a tough time lately.

- It's on Twitter.

- Of course it is.

Good to see you, kiddo.

- It's been too long, I feel
like it's been too long.

It looks like you're doing good.

I tried to call a few times after I heard.

- Thanks, I'm doing alright though.

- Honestly, I am way too
young for someone I slept with

to die.

I mean, even if it was
back in high school.

- So far so good, I mean, my
brakes aren't making a funny

noise so there's still hope.

- No I'm all good.

- Hey, I thought that was you.

- Oh hey man.

- Oh man I love you.

I hate you.

- Nice to see you too.

You know, I swear she used to like me.

- She never liked you.

- Uh, third grade,

she ate my glue.
- I think she just liked

the taste of glue.

- We broke up.

- Yeah.

- Oh, sorry.

Still doing the design work on the side?

- Actually I went full
time a couple years ago.

So with the painting and the
graphic design I'm actually

doing alright.

- Yeah man, I can never do what you do.

Creating stuff for other people,

it's gotta be hard.
- No you just gotta find

something you like in what they like.

- Oh I'm sure.

Look I'm not trying to put you
down, I mean, I wish I could

sell out.

- Thanks.

- Well listen man, I really
gotta get going but hit me up

sometime, we need to catch up.

- Cool.

I'm still safe.

- Alright I'm almost finished,
I said 8:30 and it's 8:28.

- Pretty strict schedule
for personal life.

- Well my stepdad used to
say that you need to live how

other people won't so you can
live how other people can't.

The parenting acumen of Attila The Hun.

But it's work as it can't be beat.

Be right back.

Just a second.

Give me a drum roll.

A drum roll please.

- I just don't understand
why he'd treat me like that.

- Sounds like an asshole.

- We've been friends forever.

We met in grade school and
starting painting together.

- Aw that's cute.

- I just feel like maybe I
hurt his feelings or something.

- Maybe.

- Nope, my friends are pretty cool.

- We should all hang out.
- And it's time for Breaking

Bad.

Yup.

- Come on just one check, just one.

Of course not.

♫ If you don't like the
gifts then you should leave

♫ Hate this sort of
thing then you should go

♫ Wish leaving was like ♫

- I just gotta talk to you
about something real quick.

- So today's gonna be my last day, and uh,

I'm out this bitch.

That was supposed to be Back in Black.

- Okay.

- I don't know.

- Uh, so, today, I'm not
gonna be back after today,

and you're a terrible boss,
so, I'm gonna go out on my own

and I'm gonna be better for
it, and that's about it.

- Okay.

- Alright.

- Oh yeah.

That's enough for today.

Man I should really black
all these things out.

Wait, no, that's a really
sad thing to think.

Yikes.

Hello?

No, I'm not doing anything.

- And I said F a bunch of
that, and I poured the guy's

coffee down the drain.

- You see, that's exactly why
I had to get out of retail

service, the people are so stupid.

- Seriously.

- I worked at the mall, I
really didn't mind it that much.

- Yeah but you didn't work
during the worst times.

- Christmas, oh my gosh.

- That was seasonal.
- The call center was

way better.

- You don't make tips at a call center.

- You can have a tip of my dick.

- Well you would make minimum wage then.

I don't miss it.

- Punching the clock like

the rest of us normies.

- Well it's not easy, but,
honestly I'm just really

surprised it's still working out for me.

I mean, if you wanna live
under a bridge while you do it,

but that's not really my thing.

- I do alright.

- Yeah but you don't have kids.

- Or a mortgage.

- Yes.

- Are you upset because you
still don't feel like you

have a penis?

Does it make you feel
threatened in this environment?

- You don't have a penis either.

- Don't act like you know me.

- Why do you spend time with
friends that make you feel

the worst?

- Because they've been
with me through everything.

We put on our first art show
together, had our first beers

together.

I just gotta show them that
I'm still the cool guy they

used to hang out with.
- But you're not.

- Yeah I am.

- No you're not, and that's a good thing.

I only have four hours a week
to unwind, do you think we

could do that?

- Yeah, sorry.

- Suit up.

♫ I'm a lot more than that

♫ I wanna change the
world but I can't do it

♫ I wanna save myself but
I just don't know how ♫

Hey buddy.

- Oh, hey Dad.

How are you doing?

- I'm alright.
Glad to hear it.

Word got back to me a little
later than I'd like but,

I was worried,
- Dad I gotta go, I got a

lot going on, kind of busy.
Alright buddy,

no problem, but please call
me back at this number, okay?

- Alright.
I'm serious.

Call me back sometime, I miss you.

♫ And I don't live anywhere at all anymore

♫ I don't being here, I never did

♫ If I don't pack my bags ♫

- Fucking asshole.

- Actually, he fucked your mom.

- Shut up.

- It's bullshit.

And he thought about it.

I was perfectly fine with
him never even coming back

in my life ever again.

- Yeah.

After 11 years.

11 years.

- Yeah, he thought I
wasn't being realistic

about growing up.

Calls got shorter and shorter
until they just stopped

altogether miraculously
when child support ended.

- I'm sorry.

- I worked hard.

Harder than I ever thought I could.

He said I could never be what
I wanted to be and I hated

him so much for it.

I wanted to prove him wrong so bad.

Had it all planned out.

I was gonna strike it stinking
rich by the time he hit 70.

Buy the nursing home he was living in.

Replace all the staff with
immigrants and minimum wage

workers and totally
degrade his health care.

Make sure he died alone in
that thin soiled blanket.

Now what, he's just checking in?

Thinks he can just walk right
back into my fucking life

like nothing happened?

He made my childhood miserable.

He second guessed
everything about my life.

Just a macho asshole, doesn't
even deserve me as a son.

He can go fuck himself.

He can go fuck himself.

- Okay, so now that that's
done, is there anything

constructive that you
want to say about it?

- I don't know.

- Well he's probably worried
about you, since he heard

about the,

- Yeah probably.

- Call him, but let him know
that you're the one in control.

Because you are.

You're not a kid anymore.

- Yeah, you're grown as shit, man.

- You're right.

- Thank you for that, thank
you, but, I'm just afraid he's

gonna try to turn it around
on me and blame it on me

for not calling in.
- Then you tell him that

people in glass houses shouldn't
jerk off while they take

a shit.

- That actually helps.

♫ You could be doing anything
you could be rolling in ♫

My first car I drove for 11 years.

I mistreated it pretty bad.

I was always broke.

And every late oil change,
every fast acceleration,

delayed repair.

I knew I could have treated it better.

I was worried all the time
about the damage I was doing

and how it would all add up someday.

But eventually I traded
it in and it was fine.

I think I worry about
consequence too much.

I don't really know
what I'm talking about.

♫ It is real, it is real. ♫

I should be afraid of dying though.

Like really.

I'm hungry, hungry is good.

Hungry is the opposite of dead.

I am alive.

Hey buddy.
- Hey.

How are you doing?

- Fine.

- I'm glad, I was worried.

Really?

It's been 11 years, I guess
you just knew you were gonna

get around to it at some point.

- Now, now, calm down.

- Bad choice of words, I was
completely calm and then you

called, so why, what is
it and what do you want?

- You're grown up, and I
know, I don't really know you

anymore.

Who's fault is that?

You ever had something in
your life that you regret?

You know there's something
pretty big, something that

you kind of take with you wherever you go?

Something that's always kind
of in the back of your mind?

- Yeah I guess so.

- Well that's what our
relationship is to me.

I mean it got a little rough
and I stepped back, but,

stepping back was shameful.

I felt terrible about it.

So terrible I didn't call,
because, well it had been

so long.

But it just got worse, you
know, I'd wait longer, and it'd

be even more shameful.

Could have gone on forever
honestly, but, when I heard

what happened, it was sort
of like a wake up call.

I realized I wouldn't always
be able to put it off.

This is no excuse, hell,
it's barely a worthwhile

explanation, but, it's the truth.

I'm sorry, I really am.

You still there, buddy?

- Yeah, I just don't really
know what to say to that.

- If you still want to talk
to me I'll take it as a win.

- Well I haven't hung up.

- Tell me about yourself,
what are you doing for work?

- I sell paintings and do graphic design.

That's cool as hell, buddy.

- You were never really a big fan of that.

- Yeah well I'm a stupid
old man.

There are plenty of us
out there, trust me.

- What about you, what
have you been up to?

- Not that old.

You should hear me take a piss.

- It was really great, I just
never thought that me and

my dad would actually reconnect.

- Okay, I can't believe this,

you're talking about your dad now?

I can't do this, the finals
are coming up and we need

to wrap this up.

- Fun, sex and Breaking Bad,
I don't know how I could have

been more clear.

- That's what I'm into, it's awesome.

- We met on a hookup app, we
slept together on the first

date, you're putting more
into this than I want.

- I just had something
interesting to talk about.

- You're gonna get hurt
if you keep doing this.

It's not what you want.

- It's exactly what I want, I love this.

I like it casual.

- I think what you want is a girlfriend.

- I had a girlfriend, for years.

I'm not looking for anything serious.

- You should spend your time
trying to find someone who

wants to do these things with
you, you're wasting your time

with me when you could be
meeting people or making art.

You want to spend your life
with someone and there's no

shame in that.

But if you keep hanging
out with the wrong people,

you're gonna lose all this
time and you won't even know it

until it's gone.

- Wow.

You're right.
- I know.

- I just can't believe
you put it so simply.

- Smart girls can like sex too, you know.

- Yeah I deserve that.

♫ Heartbreak, heartbreak ♫

The worst is going to sleep
after something bad happens.

So I don't.

♫ Heartbreak, fucking heartbreak

♫ Fucking heartbreak ♫

I have an incredible
amount of sauce packets.

Save a couple every time I go out to eat.

They're always there when I need them.

Sometimes I forget they're here
because I don't really need

them so I throw them away.

It's because they're free so who cares?

I spent a lot of time learning
that sauce packets and I

have a lot in common.

♫ Just make it loud enough
to raise the fucking dead

♫ I'll never get your voice out of my head

♫ Heartbreak, heartbreak ♫

Is it weird sometimes I
forget I'm not a vampire?

Yes, that's, that's weird.

- That's the name of the
game, easy come, easy go.

Except, you know, come's
spelled different.

- Right.

- I met this one girl on
the app, she was really into

daddy-daughter play, so we
did it, and then I never spoke

to her again.

I figured since her dad
left, I would just commit

to the role.

- I just really liked her.

- Yeah that's why you swiped right.

- No not like that, like,

I thought we really got
along well together.

- But, she just wanted to hook up,

because that's what the app's for, right?

- I guess so.

- No, not exactly.

- There's no room for
unclear shit in dating.

You've gotta have it down pat.

How can you ever get what
you want if you don't ask?

- I guess I never really
thought about it like that.

- Do you think I would
ever get to pee on a girl

if I didn't ask?

- And we're back to normal.

- Hey, it's a horrible
and disgusting metaphor,

but it's still a metaphor.

- The heart is the strongest
muscle in the human body,

and it can take just about anything.

- Yeah.
- Once I was locked out

of the house, the new lock
and deadbolt were my divorce

papers being served.

She kept my guitar, got my guns.

And I'm pretty sure if I
still hadn't had my bike,

I'd be done.

But the funny thing is, that
was so terrible, but now,

today, I have to really
think to even remember it.

Back then that was the
end of the goddamn world.

I remember riding my bike
away on the highway with tears

in my eyes.

I was three or four years
older than you are now.

I was positive my life was over.

And I went back to the
clubhouse and slept on the couch

by the pool table.

It was grim shit, and I woke
up the next day and apparently

I just went forward, always forward.

- I guess that's a good way to look at it.

- You know no matter how bad
things are, just remember,

you aren't sleeping on a couch
that smells like biker piss.

So you're doing alright.

- No way, too rough on the prostate.

When you get to be my age,

everything you think about is down there.

You think maybe, later in the year

I could maybe come out and visit?

It's cool if you don't
want me to, I understand.

- No yeah, it's cool, we can't
wait another 11 years, right?

- No, we certainly can't.

Let me see if any of my old
buddies are still in town that

I can crash with.

- Just stay here.

- Yeah, I mean, I have a couch
and it doesn't smell like

biker piss.

I just really don't want
to hear I told you so.

- Therapists never say I told you so.

That's pretty much just implied.

Any developments with your father?

- Yeah, we talked.

And he also made me feel
a lot better about stuff.

He's coming to visit.

- That's excellent, how
does it make you feel?

- Nervous.

Kind of scared to see him

because things aren't going so well.

- Fear is just excitement
wearing a fake mustache.

- I guess so.

Going to see my old friends again tonight.

- That's not entirely true.
- Right.

But back to your father, this
new development is going to

help you immensely.

It's safe to say most of
your problems stem from your

relationship with your father.

- Well that just makes
me feel like a cliche.

- You're absolutely cliche.

Artists pretty much all
tied back to the parents

one way or another.

We're all the same?

- Virtually.

Artists are simple, they
just want to be complicated.

Now pharmacy tech or something?

Those people are seriously fucked up.

- It's the first sketch I've
done in the last couple weeks

that I've actually liked.

Think I'm gonna paint it.

- Well I mean, it's not terrible.

- Yeah, I just really don't like it.

- It's not particularly,

- You know I was thinking
it's, it's more like,

it's not interesting.
- Like we've seen it before.

- Oh definitely.

- And I didn't really like it
the first or the second time.

- Exactly.

- So, big shot artist, you
gonna buy us some drinks?

- Yeah, drinks would be
sweet, like old times man.

- Yeah, sure.

♫ He's got no time for
his life or his friends ♫

My artwork gets a raw deal,
that's all I'm saying.

- Hey man, I mean, it's
a bullshit business.

No one gets paid.

- It's not easy getting paid.

- Well, we aren't all like you.

All you ever do is talk about yourself.

Always trying to get attention.

- It's about the work, not us.

- I bet the whole suicide
thing was just a way to get

attention for his shit.

- Dude.

- I've had a few too many man.

It's probably time for
us to Uber out of here.

- Yeah, we'll call you up man.

- Thanks for the drinks.

- I'm a fucking joke.

- No you're not.

- You're my buddy, you've
always been my buddy.

- Thanks.

- Well let me tell you
something about Steve and Wayne.

They're two boys that
grew up to be mean men.

And you know they're just
jealous of you, you know that,

right?

- You're not washing dishes
or working at a drive through

liquor store, you're actually
doing something you enjoy,

whether you're willing to admit it or not.

- I just feel like, every
time I start to like myself,

everyone stops.

- It's not true.

We take for granted the people
that love us, and we remember

the ones that hurt us,
it's just human nature.

- Yeah I guess so.

- You remember after graduation,
the girl that dumped you?

The heavy one?

- Yeah.

Except it was spelled Flour.

Total space cadet.

- Space cadets are nice.

She was stupid.

Like ragefully stupid.

- You remember how when she
broke up with you and she

hated you, you chased her so hard?

I know that was stupid, right?

Feel any better?

- A little bit.

I'm sorry.

My Dad's coming to see me
tomorrow and I think it's just

messing with my head.

The motorcycle one, the
one you haven't spoken to

in 10 years?

- Yeah.
- Oh my God,

everything's gonna be
okay, you're gonna do this,

oh my gosh.

You know I love you right?

- Yeah.

♫ Just laugh ♫

Just stay cool, yeah, you
haven't seen the guy in a long

time but it's not a big deal.

Just keep it together, be normal.

It's nothing, just pretend
he's a mail man or something.

Like you know him but you don't know him.

No biggy right?

No, it's no biggy.

It's going to be cool.

Shit, did he hear me?

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck.

- Yeah, I'm great.

- I was worried this was gonna be awkward.

- Not at all.

This should be pretty comfortable I think.

- Falling asleep while you're sucking on

a glass titty a lot, huh?
- Yeah.

- Well, just as long as you're
not doing it while you're

cranking one off, sheets are fresh, right?

- Fresh as monkey's breath.

- Good enough for an old man.

- If you want to watch TV
or something, I can show you

how the remote works.

Anyway I wanted to chat
with you for a while.

I can see you're on edge,
I hope I'm not being

too disruptive.

- No, it's not you.

- Because you know, I mean, I get it,

there's been shit between us.

- Yeah but, I'm glad you're here.

- So uh, what's trying to
push it's way up your colon?

- I was, I saw some friends last night

and they treated me like shit.

- They just hate my art and they...

- Alright, you can spill it.

- Nothing's ever good enough.

Nothing's ever cool enough.

- Not really.

- Well I mean, gotta
be at least one of them

that's president of the
United States, right?

- No.

- Huh.

Strange.

- They're really talented though.

- So talented that they
gotta keep you in your place

so you don't hold a mirror up
to their bullshit existence.

- I don't know.

- Well in the words of a great
poet, they can suck a dick

up until they hiccup.

You know I used to have
friends like those, never had

anything nice to say, always
picking everything apart.

You know what happened with them?

They're all dead.

Well not literally, I mean, I don't know.

But their life sucks so hard
they should be living in

a Taiwanese whorehouse.

Toxic people, dump 'em.

- You're not wrong.

You okay?

- I'm so sorry.

I know I should have been
there to give you advice,

and try to make you
laugh when you were hurt.

God I am such a piece of shit.

I should have grown up
about the whole thing.

- It's okay.

- No it's not, don't make
excuses, stop making excuses.

I have been making excuses my whole life,

and it has got to stop now.

I wanna be your Dad.

I'm old and I'm broken.

And I know you shouldn't take
me in, but I'm hoping you

suffer a lapse in good judgment.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry.

I loved you since the day you were born.

You came out, I saw that
you were as perfect as your

mother was.

I just hope you might be willing
to learn to love me back.

I know I'm late, but I'm here.

- I'm really glad you called.
- Look I had to.

Once I realized that someday
I wouldn't be able to.

I just hope you'll never do
anything like that again.

- I didn't try to kill myself.

- It was an accident,
but nobody believes me.

I was cleaning my house drunk,
and, the bleach bottle looked

exactly like the bottle that
my buddy brought over filled

with this nasty homemade liquor.

I took a sip and dialed
911 as I was passing out.

- That is a hell of a thing.

I'm just glad you didn't
do it on purpose, oh God,

I haven't done stupid shit
like that in my whole life.

You alright?

- Yeah I'm okay.

- Good.

Well, I guess this old man
better get to sleep before he

blubbers all over you some more.

- Yeah it's getting late.

- Hey.

I love you buddy.

- I love you too.

- Yeah.

♫ Tell yourself nothing's wrong

♫ Better to be alone ♫

- Yeah.

♫ Things could only get better ♫

Just a sec.

♫ Never say, never say ♫

Damnit, I had a box.

- I want you.

- I have condoms down
here, hold on a second.

- 9/11 was an inside job.

What the fuck?

Are you kidding me?

It's time to wake up old man.

Hey I've got some Bran cereal,

I know you old dudes like Bran.

Hey.

Hey.

♫ This is my favorite
thing that's against me ♫

Yeah, my dad is not moving.

I just found him this way,
I don't know what to do.

♫ Sit in my car and ♫

Get my address and please send somebody.

He's cold, I don't know what to do.

- Hey I'm here if you need anything.

Anything you want.

- Okay.

Or we don't have to talk,
we can just sit here and be

hanging out, or if you
want we can watch a movie.

- I don't know.

- I can lay in bed and hold
you until you fall asleep?

- I'd really like that.

- Hey, I have to work at 8
but I'll stay until then okay?

- Okay.

- I'll just sneak out
after you fall asleep.

- I didn't know you had so
much experience sneaking out

of beds in the morning.

- Only in my youth.

Come here.

- I wrote you a song.

I hope you like it.

♫ Neil's an asshole

♫ He's a piece of shit

♫ Neil sucks dick

♫ He sucks penises

♫ And I hope he dies

♫ He needs to die, die, die

♫ Neil's an asshole

♫ Neil is Jewish

♫ And that's not the worst part

♫ Because he's a fucking asshole ♫

Thank you!

- I love you.

- I love you, buddy.

- Wasn't such a bad guy.

- I know.

You should go to the funeral.
- I can't.

- Sure you can.

You make your own schedule,
you're a big shot.

- It's too far of a drive.

- Now don't act like
you couldn't use a trip.

Drive out there, it'll be good for you.

I'll even pay for it.

- I can handle the trip, Mom.

- Well, at least get a good
dinner while you're gone.

- Can't stop, won't stop.

♫ I hate my hair

♫ I hate my voice

♫ But I've no choice
it's what my genes say

♫ Make me this way

♫ I guess that's okay

♫ I like my job

♫ I like my wife

♫ This is my life I guess I will stay

♫ At least one more day

♫ I guess that's okay

♫ But there are times
when I wonder if what I do

♫ Makes a difference to you

♫ Who are listening

♫ I've got no kids, I've got no progeny ♫

- Hey lonely.

- Hi.

- I'm Linda.

- I'm Neil, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- Yeah, but, this is supposed
to be rough, so, I guess

we're on track.

I have to go check on the kitchen, but,

you should text me or something.

- I will.

- You grieving or just like
eating people's cold cuts?

- No I,
- I'm just kidding, c'mon man.

No really, who are you?

- Eddie was my dad.
- No shit, you're Neil.

- Yeah.

- Good to see you man.

- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.

My bad.

I'll pick that up later.

Last time I saw you you
were as tall as my dick,

granted that's pretty tall, but,

- Yeah, your dad and I go way
back, we were inseparable,

we were together for like 30 years.

Oh and uh, that hot little
number you were talking to,

that's your half sister.

You might want to stick that
in the old brain computer.

- I will.
- Yeah, it's a little creepy.

Eddie uh, come to terms?

You guys been talking?

- We started talking, he actually
passed away the day after.

- Dude I'm so sorry.

I really am.

- Thank you.

How long are you in town for?

- Just until tomorrow.
- No.

No, stay an extra day,
come hunting with me.

- I'm not really much of a hunter.

- Hunting is code for drinking
beer and bullshitting.

Come on, what do you got to lose?

Come play with me.
- Alright.

- Yes, good.
- Okay.

- You even smell good, God
I can't wait till tomorrow.

- Yeah.

- Good.
- Yep.

- See you then.
- Alright.

- So I made a lawnmower out of watches.

It was a waste of time.

- Waste of time.

You know kid, you have what
medical professionals call

a sour puss.

I'm trying to break it for you.

So loosen up.

So.

You twist it, just twist.

There you go, so, there's two
guys on the train, they've

been eating clams all day, clams
are bad, I mean really bad.

Well it finally hit the
first guy right in the gut.

He's gotta go, so he heads
right to the bathroom, starts

shitting his guts out.

Just as that happens, clams
hit the other guy just like

punch him right in the colon,
like donkey punch him right

in the butt hole, right?

He's gotta go, he ain't got
no place to go because the

other guy's in the bathroom,
what's he gonna do?

Drops his drawers, sticks
his ass right out the window,

just as he sticks his
ass out of the window,

train goes by two hobos.

This guy starts shitting his
guts out the back, out the

window, one hobo looks at
the other and goes "Frank,

"I thought you could chew
tobacco, Jesus Christ."

- Oh my God.

I knew you were a sick son
of a bitch just like your

old man.

This wildlife ain't gonna kill itself.

You remember the dog?

- Yeah.

Back in the day, your dad had, careful.

Back in the day, your
dad had to get around,

he couldn't have you right

on the back of the bike,
you were too small.

So he got a bungee cord and
he strapped you to his chest.

Kind of like a papoose or something.

Then he'd go riding the bike,
the two of you together,

that way he could safely get you around.

- That sounds real safe.

- It's the 80s.

We didn't know kids could die yet.

Anyways, so you dad's out
riding and he's got you

strapped to his chest and he hits a dog.

Now your dad being who he is,
he didn't think it was right

just to leave a dog laying in the road.

So he took it upon himself to
scoop the dog up and go door

to door trying to find
out who owned the dog.

- That's really great of him.

- Yeah.

Yeah could you imagine the
big biker standing on your

doorstep, bloody dog in
his hand and a kid strapped

to his chest?

I mean, what a sight.

I'm surprised they didn't
call the cops on him.

- Probably too afraid to.

- Probably.

You go.

Ever hear the story about
your old man's finger?

It's this finger, you know this finger?

- I'm familiar with that,

- I don't know the story, yep.

- Well, this one night your
dad and I in the garage,

and your dad's got his head to the motor,

and some idiot turns it on.

Wasn't me.

Anyway, cuts his finger clean
off, I mean, it disappears

and we can't find it, we look everywhere.

And then finally your dad's
like look, I have to go to

the hospital, and I'm like,
I promise I will keep looking

for your finger until I find it.

- Yeah, it was sitting on a
shelf about four feet off the

ground just all nice and
pretty like it belonged there,

just chilling, just hanging out.

Had to stop by McDonald's
and stick it in a cup of ice,

should have seen the
girl behind the counter,

she freaked out.

Had to take it to the
hospital for your Dad.

- You guys had some times.

- Yeah.

Had the best of times.

- This is such bullshit.

- We all gotta die, kid.

- Yeah but right when
we start talking again,

and on my fucking couch, man.

- Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry.

- The same year my fucking
girlfriend leaves me, and,

I just feel like a piece
of shit all the time.

That right there?

That's your problem.

You gotta live with the fact
that nothing good ever happens.

- Thanks, I feel a lot better now.

- The universe doesn't give a shit.

The universe doesn't know good and bad.

We're the ones that know good and bad.

You have to make good things
happen, and you have to

appreciate them when they do.

You're responsible for
yourself, so grow the fuck up.

You understand?

Make good things happen.

And have the balls to
appreciate them when they do.

Your dad knew that.

- I know this is weird, but, um,

could I possibly use your restroom?

- I'm sorry, I don't do that.

- Well maybe, I can explain
why I'm like this and how

uncomfortable this is, I
know it's an uncomfortable

situation, down the street
here I'm a clown, I was doing a

children's party and this
little monster, I'm sorry,

your neighbor insisted that
I share a hot dog with her.

And being a vegan it's done
horrible things to my intestinal

tract, if you could, just be
a pal and just for second,

just for a second let me use the facility?

I can show you my ID.

- Fine, do whatever, it's fine.

- Oh thank you, thank you so much.

Hey dude, dude, you got any toilet paper?

- Yeah I just got some hold on a sec.

Oh dude, what the fuck?

- Hey, I'm sorry, I'm like
viciously claustrophobic,

I have to leave the door open.

But if you want me ever out of here

then please just pass the TP.

Oh nice hand off, thank you
so much, thank you so much.

Hey, dude, you okay?

- Yeah, I mean, besides this whole thing.

- You kind of look a little
bleary eyed, like bloodshot.

- I'm fine, I just really
don't want to talk about it

like this.

- I'm sorry, I never met
anybody who didn't poop before.

You ought to be in the
Guinness Book of World Records

or something for that one.

Really, you're not looking
too good, I, you know,

I read people for a living,
if anything I can do to

be of assistance here, I can
be like, think of my as your

poop priest doing a confessional
for you and,

come on, spill your guts
while I spill mine.

- I'm fine, things just
haven't been panning out.

Is it like, boyfriend
problems, girlfriend problems?

- You have to find something
bigger to love than that, man,

that's how you find happiness.

Before I realized I was a performer,

I used to sell insurance.

And it was okay, you know,
it paid pretty good, but,

I woke up every just so goddamn sad.

You have anything in your
life that you could just wrap

your heart around and
get into and hold onto

as like an anchor?

- I mean, I paint and I draw.

- Well there you go, that's kind of cool.

- Yeah, but I do it for a living,

and it kind of gets a little mundane.

- You just gotta ask yourself
two questions in life.

Speaking of number 2,

will doing what you love make you happy?

- I guess so.

- Well then the next question
is that, do you want to

be happy?

Man seriously, thanks, you
saved my, don't worry, I washed

my hands by the way.
- I know, I saw,

and thank you.
- Thank you so much, man.

All in a day's work.

By the way, you've got mail.

- Thank you.

Yes, yes.

- So, are you going to tell me

why you missed our last appointment?

- I went to the funeral.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, it did.

- I'm glad to hear that, is
there something else on your

mind that's putting you in a bad mood?

- I can't stop thinking about the guys.

I just always thought they
were here for me, and now

I really don't know.

- Let's try an exercise.

Pretend I'm your friends
that have hurt you.

Say to me what you want to say to them.

- Isn't that something you
do with eight year olds?

- I can give you a juice box afterward.

Just try it, just open your
mouth and let it come out.

- Well I'm pissed.

Come into my life and then
judge everything about it.

- Well, you do stupid things,
like try to kill yourself.

- I didn't...

- They are saying this to you.

When I was low, when I was depressed.

When I couldn't get out of bed.

You laughed at me.

You made fun of me because
I couldn't get shit done.

You didn't think I heard
about it but I did.

So what did I do?

I got up.

And now you hate me
because I'm doing too much.

I can't win.

I pick myself up on my
own, and that's fine.

But I don't deserve to die.

I don't deserve to die.

So fuck you.

Fuck off.

Because I got everything I need.

- Don't give them what you just gave me.

They don't deserve it.

- Right.

- Is there anything else
you need to get out?

- Hey.

- I just need to talk to you real quick.

- Sure.

- You're a great friend.

And I think about you all the time.

So I think we should go out to
make a lot of sense together.

- I really appreciate that.

But I like us as friends.

Not really looking for
anything more than that.

It's okay.

- Yeah, I just better get going.

- Sorry, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

- I really am okay.

Being friends with you is a
pretty great consolation prize.

I just got some important
stuff I gotta take care of

so I'll talk to you later okay?

- Take care.

No excuses.

♫ How do you do what you do
after dealing with what's done

♫ Smiling statues standing ground

♫ While I turn tail and run

♫ How do you do what you
do with the trap cards

♫ You're dealt

♫ Turning deuces into kings
while dealers bite the felt

♫ Oh no not me I can barely talk

♫ Oh no not me

♫ I can't chew the book ♫

- It's open.

- I'm gonna need a tip for
delivering in this neighborhood.

Is it done?

- Yeah, have a look.

Is it good?

Oh my God, dude, this is great.

- I think you're just asking
to be a dick, you know you

can paint good and shit.

- Hey do you guys mind
if we watch Breaking Bad?

I've kind of been rewatching it.

- Yeah.
- Whatever man.

- Yeah in the fridge.
- Cool.

♫ It's much more comfortable

♫ My fingers are not much
to be happy with a dollar

♫ This is not a time to be
overly impressed or proud

♫ These are not the lyrics you
were hoping I'd scribble down

♫ Everything sounds so
sweet until it's on the page

♫ Oh everything sounds
amazing until you're living it

♫ But it's another city
with nothing to eat

♫ It's another town with
nowhwere but my car to sleep

♫ It doesn't sound so ridiculous
until I say it out loud

♫ Everything sounds so strange
when I try to explain it

♫ Oh everything sounds this
crazy until you're living it

♫ But I'm highly adaptable

♫ Dum, dum, dum, dum

♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal

♫ Da da dum, da da dum

♫ No, no, there is no problem

♫ It's just that everything
sounds self destructive

♫ Until you see it

♫ Finally seen that
look on strangers faces

♫ And I'm doing my best
not to crack a smile

♫ Because maybe I get
a little satisfaction

♫ Being looked down on

♫ Like a fuck up, like a piece of trash

♫ Because god fucking
dammit I know what I am

♫ And I like to be right, yeah

♫ Da da dum, da da dum

♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal

♫ Da da dum, da da dum

♫ No, no, there is no problem

♫ It's just that everything
sounds self destructive

♫ until you see it

♫ And the days pass like seconds

♫ And the nights, they take years

♫ And your voice is
thousands of miles away

♫ And I wish I didn't have
to keep explaining myself

♫ Like this it wanes my confidence

♫ I wish it weren't the truth

♫ I don't believe in myself

♫ I'm afraid that I
don't believe in myself

♫ It doesn't actually matter what

♫ The lyrics to the song even are

♫ If I don't believe in myself

♫ Then how can I expect any better?

♫ Two, three, four

♫ Da da dum, da da dum

♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal

♫ Da da dum, da da dum

♫ I swear I'm doing alright

♫ It's just that
everything sounds so fresh

♫ When I open my mouth

♫ And everything seems so alright

♫ When no one's around.

♫ Everything is just perfect

♫ I promise

♫ How I wish that were true

- Miracles happen every day.