All language subtitles for Kirstie s01e09 When They Met.eng

Kirstie is taped before
a live studio audience.

[Alarm beeping]
Fire! Fire!

- I got it!
- Not the alarm. The oven!

Right!

Ow! [Extinguisher hissing]

I'm sorry.

Ever since I played the Scarecrow
in high school, I'm terrified of fire.

And scarecrows.
And high school...

Here's something else
for you to be afraid of.

- Oh, jeez.
- Oh! What did you do?

I was trying to make a
birthday cake for Arlo.

A cake...? You don't know
how to make ice cubes!

Well, don't they come
with the refrigerator?

Don't worry.
I've got it covered.

What do you think?

I think that this is the first birthday
that I'm spending with my son,

and if you think I'm gonna
give him a store-bought cake,

you don't know
Madison Banks.

Oh! Sink cake.

I don't care how long it takes
or many people have to die.

I am giving my son a cake
made by his mother.

Oh, my God!
Why did you people let me ruin it?

Frank, stop eating it.

Oh... We have to glue this together.

Oh...

God! His birthday's
gonna be a disaster!

No, it isn't, because...

Who knows you
better than anyone?

Wow.

Ice and cakes?

My God, this refrigerator
is amazing!

[Upbeat jazz music]

Season 1, Episode 3
"Arlo's Birthday"

Synced by chamallow & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

Arlo just texted,
and he'll be home any minute.

- [Gasps] Hey, hey, hey!
- [All] Surprise!

- Happy Birthday.
- Hey, hey.

Wow! I can't believe
that you remembered.

Of course, we remembered.

[Laughs]
And look, look, look.

I got you a present
for every year of your life.

Happy 19th birthday, Arlo.

- You know I'm turning 27.
- Not when she's turning 39.

Oh.

All right. It's gift opening time.
Sit down.

All right. I'm gonna give you...

I'm gonna give you this one,
because I know you'll love it.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

[Laughs] Let's see here.

- Uh, a purse?
- No, not a purse.

It's a man's action bag.

For the man on the go.

Where's he going,
to a gay rodeo?

Maddie, thank you. I love it.
It's great. [Laughs]

It's kind of like carrying
a flat football.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, don't open another one yet.
I have a surprise for you.

I've wanted to give you this
since you were a little boy,

but I never had a chance, so...
Here goes!

Thelma, please tell me
you see that too.

Where's the birthday boy?

Hey, little fella.
"Honk, honk."

Hey, you don't look anything like the ad.

And just for the record,
you're not honking anything.

My ex-wife got the horn
in the divorce.

Which is ironic, 'cause
she was never horny. "Honk."

For my first trick,

who would like to pull
a banana from my pants?

But you better be of age.
I'm not going back to the slammer.

Oh, boy.

Where do you folks
like to throw up?

Right out here.

[Thud] Oh!

Is it me? 'Cause I thought
he was great.

Wow. Thank you. That...
Was not what I was expecting.

All right, Arlo. To make up for that,
let's see your birthday cake.

Oh, look at this. Yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, this leather is so supple.

- Would you stop mauling that thing?
- Oh, I can't help it.

[Sniffs] Mmm.

The smell of a fresh man bag
resting against your chin.

Here's your favorite...

- Strawberry layer cake!
- Oh! Oh, no.

I'm actually allergic
to strawberries.

How did I not
know that?

Probably didn't come up during those
seven hours you spent raising him.

Look, the thought was enough. Thank you,
Maddie, so much for all of this.

The man bag, the drunk clown,
the deadly cake.

It's all really more than any
27-year-old could wish for.

Thank you.

- It's 19.
- Right.

So listen, I'm... I'm really sorry.

I didn't know
you were gonna do all this,

and I've actually made plans
with some of my friends, so...

Plans? Can't you
just blow them off?

I mean, you haven't
opened your gifts yet,

and the party's just
starting around here.

We're gonna gather
around the piano,

and I've got my Cole Porter
songbook.

Oh, look at the time... [Laughs]

They're all waiting for me,
so I should probably get...

Um...

Look, you'd probably hate it.

The bar's really loud,
you can't even talk...

- But if you really want to...
- Yes, thank you. We'd love to come.

I'm really sorry, Arlo. Your mother
does not understand the "empty gesture."

No.

Please. Come.

You see? He wants us to join him.
Let's join him.

He sounds like a hostage
reading a ransom note.

Will you stop it?
I think I know my son.

Oh, wait, honey,
don't forget your action bag.

Look out, ladies.

[Loud dance music]

There he is.
Argo in the house!

- Argo.
- Argo!

Argo...? I've been calling him
"Arlo" for a month.

All right. Guys, this is Maddie,
my birth mom.

Yes, Madison Banks.
Yes, that Madison Banks.

But for tonight, let's all
just pretend like we're equals.

[Laughs] Wow. I see
what you mean about her.

Yeah. And this is
Thelma and Frank.

- Hi, guys.
- You can call me Frank.

All right, everybody. Who's drunk enough
to get this karaoke night started?

[All cheering] Karaoke? You
didn't tell me there was karaoke!

Yeah.

It's the best thing to come out
of Japan since Hello Kitty.

I hate karaoke.

Well, that's about to change. Sign us up.
I'll get drinks.

Okay. But if I get sloppy drunk
and start hittin' on young guys...

Let me.

So, um... How long have
you guys known Arlo?

Oh, we practically
grew up at his house.

Oh, so then you know
his adoptive mother?

Oh, yeah. Everybody loved Lorraine.
We all wanted her to be our mom.

Remember she used to make the most
amazing homemade birthday cakes?

- Yeah.
- [Quietly] So she said.

Actually, Maddie threw me
a really great birthday today.

[Laughs] Yeah. Show 'em
your action bag.

- No, no. They don't need to...
- Oh, show 'em your bag.

Nice. Is that where
you keep your tampons?

[Laughter]

You guys see the man bag? It's got
a separate pocket for his rape whistle.

[Laughter]

That's right. It also has
room for his diaphragm.

[Laughs]

What? I thought we were all
giving each other the business.

All right. Get liquored up, especially
you, 'cause we're three songs away.

- You didn't get yourself a drink, Frank?
- Aw, no, no. I never mix booze and weed.

I'm a chauffeur,
not an airline pilot.

So how do you like his friends?

They couldn't shut up about how
perfect his adoptive mother was.

I mean, I can't even find
a way to bond with him.

It's like we have
nothing in common.

Hmm. Well, I've seen you both tear
into a bag of kettle corn pretty good.

Okay, first up,
we got a birthday boy.

Arlo Barth! Oh!

- What did you guys do?
- Get up there!

[Laughter, chatter]

Oh, Arlo, honey.
So you're gonna go sing?

I have to.
They signed me up.

Okay. Oh, my God.
He's gonna humiliate himself.

Everyone, everybody, look,
it's his birthday, so don't laugh.

He's had a really hard life.
He'll die if he eats a strawberry.

[Music starts]

[Song ends]

Wow. When he sings, it's...
It's like music.

- Yes!
- Wow, he is really good.

Of course, he's really good.
He came from inside me.

There've been a lot of guys inside you,
but they can't hold a note that long.

[Laughing]

You were amazing, really...

You know, Arlo, I still am speechless.

I mean, your voice...

You never told me you
were good at anything.

Thank you very much,
but it's just karaoke.

What you have is a gift.

You should do something with this.
You could be a star.

- [Laughs] Are you serious?
- This is a career.

- Why is this so important to you?
- Because you have talent.

And it's the first thing
we have in common.

Before I heard you sing, it was like
we were from two different planets.

It took karaoke to make
you feel like we're related?

I know.
Isn't it wonderful?

I know so many people
in the music business.

No. I don't want to be
in show business.

[Gasps]

If this wasn't a public place,
I'd turn you over my knee.

You could change your life
with this voice.

Thelma, Frank, tell him.
You could change your...

- I like my life the way it is.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Do you know what some people
would do for a chance to be famous?

I don't know. Maybe give up
their kid for a part in a play.

You know who else
gave up his only son?

God.

And you don't see people
giving him crap for it, do you?

You're comparing
yourself to God?

Only in the sense that
we're both public figures

who made questionable
parenting choices!

What? I... [Muttering]

Look, about last night,
let's just make an agreement.

That this is the second to the last
time I'm ever gonna bring this up.

Now, after you've cut
your demo tape...

[Muffled]

Okay, fair enough.
You're right.

We've just started to get to know each
other, and no one likes to be pushed.

We're good, Maddie. Let's just move on.

Could you just give me a second chance
with the birthday celebration?

We'll just do something easy, you know?
Like go out for a cup of coffee.

Okay. As long as a clown car
doesn't pick us up, I'm in.

Oh, then let me
make a call.

Just kidding.

A recording studio.
You've got to be kidding me.

You said
we were going for coffee.

On my mother's life, there was
a Starbuck's here two weeks ago.

And I assume you two
are in on this as well.

We're merely sheep.

[Bleating] Baaaaah.

They just wanted to be here
to support you...

In your shining moment.

You're not listening to me, Maddie.

I got to take a walk.

- Arlo, why...
- All right, I'll go after him.

Oh, Led Zeppelin.
I drove for them once.

Or they drove me. I don't know.
Got there somehow.

Wasn't my spaceship.

Oh, my God. You know,
this mothering thing is so hard.

- It's hard for everybody.
- It wasn't for you.

Oh, Maddie.

Look, I'm gonna tell you something
I never told anybody, not even my husband.

When Fiona was four,
we were at Macy's...

- And I lost her.
- You?

But you're the most anal, controlling,
officious little dictator in the world.

Oh, I really appreciate
you saying that.

But, yes, even me.

So I was holding her hand,

and I let go for one second
to find a half-size larger shoe...

- And she was gone.
- Oh, my God.

What kind of shoe?

Maddie, it's a 20-second story.

- Stay with me.
- Okay, okay.

The point is, I found
her ten minutes later,

but during those ten minutes,
my life stopped.

I thought I was
the worst mother in the world.

Oh, God. You know what?
I felt that way the whole month.

And it's not gonna stop
for the rest of your life.

Welcome to parenting.

Come on, Arlo.
She set this whole thing up.

It's one song.
It'll mean a lot to her.

I just don't know how to deal with her.
Is she always like this?

You mean deceptive,
manipulative, entitled?

- Selfish.
- Hey! Watch it there, mister.

That's your mother you're talkin' about.

You know,
when I was searching for her,

I just assumed that she'd be
a different kind of mother, you know?

More like...
A mother.

Arlo, that woman
is a carnival ride.

And not one of those fancy ones.

No, we're talkin' rusty
bolts, and an operator on meth.

But, man, if you hold on,
you will have a ride of your life.

Or die.

I'm so sorry, Lucas. It looks
like Arlo isn't going to...

Not be awesome.
Let's do this.

Yes!

He was a little nervous, but
I gave him a shot of vitamin Frank.

Arlo, this is my wonderful and
talented friend, Lucas Kogen.

- Nice to meet you. Arlo Barth.
- [Laughs] Okay.

That's the first thing
we need to change.

And this is my driver, Frank.

Yeah, we know each other,
"Lucas Kogen".

- I don't think so.
- New Year's Eve, 2002.

The woods behind
Billy Joel's place...

Bloody mitten...?

Oh, wait. That wasn't you.

Frank Baxter.
Nice to meet you.

Okay, you wanna give a shot?
I'd love to hear this voice.

No problem. I just happen
to have brought it.

- That's all you need?
- Yeah, he's good.

Good...?

He's amazing, isn't he?

He's like a young
Susan Boyle.

So do you want to sign him today, or
do you want me to get him some press?

Slow down, Maddie.

You know, I was thinking,
after he cuts his album,

that I should get him
a publicist, right?

- Right, right.
- And sort of create a buzz.

You know, maybe do
a publicity stunt.

Like, maybe he could go to an award show
and punch John Mayer in the throat.

Maddie, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this.

The kid's got a voice, but that's it.
He's not a star.

Well, how can you say that?

You know that thing
that makes you a star?

He ain't got it.

If you don't believe me, ask somebody
else. They'll tell you the same thing.

Tell Arlo I enjoyed meeting him.

And my two cents...
Even if he's not in the business...

Change that name.

- I can't believe it.
- I'm so sorry, Maddie.

I know how much
you were counting on this.

I just don't know
how to break it to him.

Oh, you were right, Thelma.
This parenting thing is a bitch.

You want me to have
a little talk with Lucas?

There's an empty grave behind Billy Joel's
house that I may or may not know about.

Hey, where'd you go? Thelma
and Frank said you just took off.

Mmm. I just
couldn't face you.

They told me what Lucas said.
I'm really sorry.

- I know how badly you wanted this.
- Well, didn't you want it too?

To be honest, I was only doing it
because I knew how much it meant to you.

And Frank scares me a little.

Hey, we don't need a record deal to prove
that we're connected. I'm your son.

So you actually feel like
we belong to each other now?

Well, let's not get carried away.
We just met.

You have no idea how special
I wanted this birthday to be.

No, I get it. It's the first time
you get to acknowledge my birthday.

No, it's not the first time, Arlo.

Your birthday has always been
the toughest day of my year.

- It was?
- Yeah.

You know, I went into labor with you
while I was watching Crocodile Dundee.

And every year on the 24th,

I lock myself in my bedroom,

and I watch that God-awful movie,

and I pray that you
are happy and healthy.

You know, you're not gonna believe this,
but I hate that movie too.

Seriously?

No, I loved it. I had
the hat and everything.

But hey, we can always start
a new birthday tradition.

[Scoffs] And what would that be?

Happy Birthday, Arlo.

Synced by chamallow & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0