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1
00:00:00,881 --> 00:00:03,625
FRANK: Kirstie is taped
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,910 --> 00:00:07,110
Morning, Thelma.
What are you doing?
3
00:00:07,109 --> 00:00:10,185
Scratch-offs.
It's my only ticket outta here.
4
00:00:11,140 --> 00:00:15,775
That's it, I quit. That woman
no understand "no" means "no."
5
00:00:15,773 --> 00:00:19,294
- I was reaching for the pepper mill.
- In my pants?
6
00:00:19,740 --> 00:00:22,074
I don't know
where you keep it!
7
00:00:22,863 --> 00:00:26,420
Thanks for playing
"You've Been Groped by a Celebrity."
8
00:00:28,299 --> 00:00:32,606
- I really am gonna miss his sticky buns.
- Yeah, you and me both.
9
00:00:33,857 --> 00:00:36,977
Hey, Maddie, uh, do you feel
like maybe hanging out today?
10
00:00:36,976 --> 00:00:39,479
I saw there's
a street art exhibit at Moma.
11
00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:42,037
Or, Prada is having
a big handbag sale.
12
00:00:42,036 --> 00:00:44,601
Doesn't that sound, like,
a thousand times funner?
13
00:00:44,788 --> 00:00:47,623
That doesn't even sound
two times funner.
14
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:52,848
Hey, the lobby is crawling with paparazzi.
They thought I was Roberto Benigni.
15
00:00:52,846 --> 00:00:56,306
They're not gonna go away until they
get a glimpse of their Madison Banks.
16
00:00:56,318 --> 00:00:59,255
Damn you,
life in a fishbowl.
17
00:00:59,379 --> 00:01:01,842
Thelma, go out and tell them that
they can only have two photos,
18
00:01:01,841 --> 00:01:03,659
- ...and then they've got to leave.
- Oh, my God.
19
00:01:03,659 --> 00:01:06,840
Oh, my God, three cherries!
You go tell 'em, Banks.
20
00:01:06,839 --> 00:01:08,414
I'm free!
21
00:01:09,244 --> 00:01:11,648
Um, that's actually
an apple.
22
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,315
Two photos.
Right away, boss.
23
00:01:14,315 --> 00:01:16,354
No, no, no, no, no.
They're not even here for you.
24
00:01:16,354 --> 00:01:18,895
Kathy Griffin is looking
at the penthouse next door.
25
00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:20,650
Kathy Griffin?
26
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:23,830
That publicity-starved troll?
27
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:27,350
She is awesome.
28
00:01:27,350 --> 00:01:31,372
Anyone who can make Ryan Seacrest cry
is okay in my book.
29
00:01:32,455 --> 00:01:35,454
I can't believe Kathy Griffin
might be our neighbor.
30
00:01:35,453 --> 00:01:37,890
You see?
Even Arlo is outraged.
31
00:01:38,052 --> 00:01:42,684
Outraged? No, I love her.
And why are you so upset?
32
00:01:42,683 --> 00:01:45,823
Oh, is it because
she's a bigger star than you?
33
00:01:48,446 --> 00:01:52,437
And with that, little Arlo was
given up for adoption a second time.
34
00:01:54,442 --> 00:01:57,441
[Upbeat jazz music]
35
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,297
36
00:02:00,357 --> 00:02:03,175
Season 1, Episode 5
"The Girl Next Door"
37
00:02:03,174 --> 00:02:06,174
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:02:06,173 --> 00:02:08,864
How long can a normal person
look at an empty apartment?
39
00:02:08,864 --> 00:02:11,714
I wouldn't know.
I don't work with the normal.
40
00:02:27,184 --> 00:02:30,372
Well, look at that. Been here five
minutes, already I have a stalker.
41
00:02:31,464 --> 00:02:33,885
I'm sorry. You probably
didn't recognize me.
42
00:02:33,924 --> 00:02:38,625
- Madison Banks, theatrical legend.
- Kathy Griffin, today's news.
43
00:02:38,748 --> 00:02:40,162
Ah.
44
00:02:40,162 --> 00:02:41,665
Yes. I know
who you are.
45
00:02:41,665 --> 00:02:45,152
You're the one who got famous
making fun of the actual famous.
46
00:02:45,151 --> 00:02:47,564
All the way to the bank, bitch.
[Elevator dings]
47
00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:52,020
Oh, my God,
I love you!
48
00:02:52,019 --> 00:02:53,552
- Love you, too, baby.
- Thank you.
49
00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:55,748
Uh, not you, you.
50
00:02:55,748 --> 00:02:58,989
Kathy Griffin, I've seen your show,
like, so many times.
51
00:02:58,988 --> 00:03:00,993
You and your boyfriend?
52
00:03:01,896 --> 00:03:04,343
- No, I'm straight.
- You're the one!
53
00:03:05,511 --> 00:03:07,629
This is my son, Arlo.
54
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:11,871
We were just reunited,
and now we're inseparable.
55
00:03:12,454 --> 00:03:16,252
He's just so excited
that I am a Broadway star.
56
00:03:16,887 --> 00:03:19,316
Actually,
I'd never heard of her.
57
00:03:20,197 --> 00:03:23,146
Maddie, you've gotta get a picture
of me and Kathy Griffin.
58
00:03:23,145 --> 00:03:25,171
Sure. Just make sure
you post it everywhere.
59
00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:26,391
Okay.
60
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,236
Oh, my God,
that's awesome.
61
00:03:30,236 --> 00:03:33,049
I've gotta show Thelma and Frank,
and put this up on Facebook.
62
00:03:33,049 --> 00:03:37,029
Yeah. It probably won't get as many
likes as the one of me with my Tony.
63
00:03:38,201 --> 00:03:40,874
He's just always talking
about me and my Tony award.
64
00:03:40,873 --> 00:03:44,359
Oh, for
"Best Performance by a..."
65
00:03:44,379 --> 00:03:46,267
I'm gonna try...
"Woman"?
66
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,471
Anyway, I'm gonna meet
with my real estate agent.
67
00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:51,344
I'm gonna put in an offer
on this place.
68
00:03:51,344 --> 00:03:54,107
Oh, so you're thinking
about buying this apartment?
69
00:03:54,406 --> 00:03:58,578
Well, you know what? The forensics team
did a great job in cleaning it up.
70
00:03:59,862 --> 00:04:03,974
You know, they managed to scrub
"I'll be back" off the bedroom wall.
71
00:04:04,391 --> 00:04:07,390
Oh, so much death...
72
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,281
Well, if you're gonna be murdered,
you might as well have a park view.
73
00:04:12,190 --> 00:04:15,237
- Well, it's your funeral, Kathy Griffin.
- Mmhmm.
74
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:18,208
And I thought Mariah Carey
was the crazy one.
75
00:04:19,655 --> 00:04:21,654
Kathy Griffin
is gonna take the apartment.
76
00:04:21,654 --> 00:04:24,343
Now I'll become the butt
of every joke in her act.
77
00:04:24,342 --> 00:04:29,095
Relax. 400 famous people would have
to die for you to end up in her act.
78
00:04:33,626 --> 00:04:37,165
Are you sure I can't offer anyone
any champagne, or caviar?
79
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:41,376
- It's 10:00 in the morning.
- I have 10:15.
80
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:45,557
So, Ms. Banks,
what's this so-called emergency?
81
00:04:45,556 --> 00:04:48,665
As heads of the co-op board,
we don't normally make house calls.
82
00:04:48,665 --> 00:04:50,384
I hear you.
83
00:04:53,677 --> 00:04:55,301
Why are you bowing?
84
00:04:55,301 --> 00:04:58,300
Out of respect,
number-one neighbor.
85
00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:04,379
Well, so far, you've offered me
champagne, caviar, and racism.
86
00:05:05,422 --> 00:05:08,257
- What else is on the menu?
- My concerns.
87
00:05:08,256 --> 00:05:10,642
About the trashy,
Hollywood element
88
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:13,641
that would be around this building
if Kathy Griffin moves in.
89
00:05:14,313 --> 00:05:16,617
I said,
"If Kathy Griffin moves in."
90
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,616
[Gasps]
91
00:05:18,756 --> 00:05:20,811
We couldn't get
near the building,
92
00:05:20,811 --> 00:05:24,137
with all the paparazzi
and trashy, Hollywood element
93
00:05:24,136 --> 00:05:26,248
yelling for Kathy Griffin.
94
00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:30,609
What's this gonna do
to our property values?
95
00:05:30,609 --> 00:05:33,133
- I was supposed to say that part.
- No, you weren't.
96
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:35,130
Go on, Thelma.
Tell them what happened next.
97
00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:37,410
They ripped my blouse!
I felt so violated!
98
00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:42,600
See? How do you
like it?
99
00:05:43,232 --> 00:05:46,881
Well, as much as this wasn't fun,
I think we're done here.
100
00:05:46,882 --> 00:05:51,498
No, no, no. You can't approve her.
Please, as one mother to another.
101
00:05:51,497 --> 00:05:55,017
- I can't have children.
- Oh. Well, you could adopt.
102
00:05:55,016 --> 00:05:58,258
- You can get one that looks just like...
- Shut it down.
103
00:06:00,116 --> 00:06:03,861
For your information, we've already
approved Kathy Griffin's application.
104
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,554
She's moving in
this weekend.
105
00:06:05,554 --> 00:06:07,631
Well, if she's moving in,
then I'm moving out.
106
00:06:07,630 --> 00:06:08,840
Great.
107
00:06:09,111 --> 00:06:11,952
They ripped my blouse!
I felt so violated!
108
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,472
[Door closes]
109
00:06:14,473 --> 00:06:16,842
I told you
we needed more rehearsal!
110
00:06:17,324 --> 00:06:20,605
111
00:06:20,619 --> 00:06:23,884
Come on, Maddie.
That's the beauty of New York.
112
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,803
You never
see your neighbors.
113
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,856
That family below us, they had
a bear in their apartment.
114
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,854
For a year, you thought
it was your stomach growling.
115
00:06:33,097 --> 00:06:36,027
You work at night,
she works all the time.
116
00:06:36,026 --> 00:06:38,141
You're never even
gonna catch a glimpse of her.
117
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:41,767
Oh, yeah, really? Well, what about
her stupid housewarming party?
118
00:06:41,766 --> 00:06:43,501
"Girls, gays, and gimlets."
119
00:06:44,091 --> 00:06:49,534
We got invited to her movie night, too.
"Chicks, flicks, and dicks."
120
00:06:51,632 --> 00:06:53,889
See, now we have
theme parties and rhyming.
121
00:06:53,889 --> 00:06:57,024
I do not like the direction
this building is headed in.
122
00:06:58,829 --> 00:07:00,813
Oh, hi. Where
have you been?
123
00:07:00,813 --> 00:07:03,555
I was just having coffee
with Kathy Griffin.
124
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:07,134
Oh, so now
she's Kathy Griffin.
125
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,420
She was always
Kathy Griffin.
126
00:07:10,668 --> 00:07:12,972
Then we went to go see
that exhibit at Moma.
127
00:07:13,082 --> 00:07:15,983
Moma?
But I'm your moma.
128
00:07:16,512 --> 00:07:19,842
- You said you didn't want to go.
- I don't remember saying it like that.
129
00:07:19,841 --> 00:07:23,737
And get this... after I told her about
how you got me fired from my last job,
130
00:07:23,736 --> 00:07:27,436
she said she can get me hired
backstage on her next comedy special.
131
00:07:27,435 --> 00:07:30,703
I mean, how lucky are we
that she's moving in next door?
132
00:07:32,439 --> 00:07:36,062
I can't believe it. I've been trying
to connect with that kid for years.
133
00:07:36,061 --> 00:07:37,735
He's been here a month.
134
00:07:39,012 --> 00:07:40,698
Really?
Just a month?
135
00:07:41,464 --> 00:07:45,213
Well, whatever. It seems like we would
have found something in common by now.
136
00:07:45,212 --> 00:07:47,186
I mean, what does he see
in Kathy Griffin?
137
00:07:47,186 --> 00:07:50,451
Well, she's young and hip
and makes people laugh.
138
00:07:50,450 --> 00:07:52,068
Well, I'm...
139
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,515
Make people laugh.
140
00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,253
She means intentionally.
141
00:07:58,508 --> 00:08:02,768
Oh, please. She makes fun
of celebrities. How hard can that be?
142
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:05,045
Hey, Lindsay Lohan,
143
00:08:05,045 --> 00:08:07,779
why don't you go to a party
and have some liquor?
144
00:08:08,043 --> 00:08:09,817
Ka-pow!
Gimme another one.
145
00:08:10,368 --> 00:08:11,716
Meat Loaf.
146
00:08:12,328 --> 00:08:14,183
That's who you give me?
147
00:08:15,285 --> 00:08:17,656
Maddie,
Arlo loves you.
148
00:08:17,655 --> 00:08:20,036
There is no way
that woman can replace you.
149
00:08:20,036 --> 00:08:21,525
- Right, Frank?
- Yeah, yeah.
150
00:08:21,525 --> 00:08:23,140
When you think about it...
151
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,170
Right, you've already been replaced
by his adoptive mother.
152
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:34,178
Oh, my God,
life is so cruel.
153
00:08:34,418 --> 00:08:37,770
I'm being abandoned
by the kid I abandoned.
154
00:08:38,297 --> 00:08:40,296
I want my son back.
155
00:08:40,296 --> 00:08:41,848
Roddy McDowall.
156
00:08:42,296 --> 00:08:45,441
What? No, I'm giving you
another shot!
157
00:08:45,995 --> 00:08:47,700
- What...?
- Maddie...
158
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:50,459
You haven't lost him.
That's ridiculous.
159
00:08:50,458 --> 00:08:52,387
So why doesn't he
want to hang out with me?
160
00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:54,495
Look, if anything,
you should be happy
161
00:08:54,495 --> 00:08:59,216
that your 26-year-old son doesn't want
to go handbag shopping with his ma.
162
00:08:59,458 --> 00:09:01,706
Why don't you do
something he loves.
163
00:09:02,012 --> 00:09:03,938
Something he loves?
164
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,190
You really think it's safe
165
00:09:12,190 --> 00:09:16,060
to do a Civil War reenactment
in Central Park, at night?
166
00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:19,518
With swords...?
167
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:23,237
It's safer
than without a sword.
168
00:09:24,303 --> 00:09:27,829
Come on, you know that
Arlo loves all this nerdy crap.
169
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,265
I mean, he has these
reenactments every weekend.
170
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,675
Remember when we had
to pick him up in Gettysburg
171
00:09:32,674 --> 00:09:34,969
'cause somebody
stole his pants?
172
00:09:36,222 --> 00:09:39,912
Halt, who goes there?
A dirty German?
173
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:43,302
Wrong war, Professor.
174
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:48,497
- Hey, look at you guys.
- Yeah, Arlo, go get dressed.
175
00:09:48,495 --> 00:09:52,816
We're gonna go in the Park, and we're
gonna reenact that famous battle of...
176
00:09:53,568 --> 00:09:55,766
"Two-lamps-ah."
177
00:09:58,713 --> 00:10:03,571
As pivotal as that battle was, I was just
on my way out to go for a little walk.
178
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,115
Or maybe a run.
179
00:10:05,278 --> 00:10:07,374
Wait a minute,
you don't run.
180
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:11,491
You would not run if a giant ball
was rolling at you.
181
00:10:12,331 --> 00:10:15,564
Okay, fine. I was gonna go
over to Kathy Griffin's party.
182
00:10:15,563 --> 00:10:18,665
- I know you're not crazy about her...
- No, no, no, it's fine.
183
00:10:18,664 --> 00:10:20,662
If that's where you wanna go,
it's fine. Go.
184
00:10:20,732 --> 00:10:23,284
Okay, great.
Well, don't wait up.
185
00:10:23,283 --> 00:10:26,427
And, for the record, those
are not period-correct, but...
186
00:10:26,427 --> 00:10:27,994
Beat it, nerd.
187
00:10:30,685 --> 00:10:31,927
God...
188
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:36,595
Why would he want to go hang out
at some celebrity party,
189
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:40,041
when he could hang out with his own
mother when she's dressed like a man?
190
00:10:41,048 --> 00:10:43,711
Yeah, he's weird that way.
191
00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,647
That's it.
I give up.
192
00:10:48,187 --> 00:10:51,512
Now I have to sit here, listening
to that thumping music
193
00:10:51,511 --> 00:10:54,510
from Kathy Griffin's
housewarming party.
194
00:10:54,876 --> 00:10:57,709
Thelma, go call in
a noise complaint.
195
00:10:57,798 --> 00:11:00,028
Say you heard gunshots!
196
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:02,374
I'll take care of it.
197
00:11:02,419 --> 00:11:04,600
This is a job
for the General.
198
00:11:05,237 --> 00:11:09,236
And if I don't come back,
tell my kids I died a coward!
199
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,160
[Thud]
200
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:18,909
201
00:11:19,841 --> 00:11:24,247
So I told Justin Bieber take his shirt
off, and I told Miley, "Cut your hair."
202
00:11:24,246 --> 00:11:27,769
[Laughs] This is hilarious.
You should put that in your act.
203
00:11:27,768 --> 00:11:30,610
Honey, this is my act.
You each owe me 32.50.
204
00:11:30,609 --> 00:11:32,108
[laughter]
205
00:11:32,242 --> 00:11:33,912
Excuse me.
206
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,090
Excuse me, man.
207
00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:37,238
Aah...
208
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,212
F-Troop, glad you made it.
209
00:11:40,002 --> 00:11:42,111
- Where's Norma Desmond?
- She's next door.
210
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:46,311
She's trying to get some rest, and you've
got to... is that a Banana Daiquiri?
211
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:47,579
You want a shrimp puff?
212
00:11:47,579 --> 00:11:50,438
Uh, no, no, don't distract me,
because I need you to...
213
00:11:50,756 --> 00:11:55,055
Is that guy doing close-up magic?
I love to be fooled.
214
00:11:55,657 --> 00:11:58,468
Something tells me
that's not that hard to do.
215
00:11:59,226 --> 00:12:00,857
So what do you want?
216
00:12:00,857 --> 00:12:04,224
Well, Maddie, she needs you
to do something about... oh.
217
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,479
Oh, I love this song.
218
00:12:05,479 --> 00:12:06,679
[Pulsating dance music]
219
00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:08,093
Come on! Crank it up!
220
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:09,854
Yeah!
221
00:12:13,218 --> 00:12:16,450
Man... The music
just got louder.
222
00:12:18,474 --> 00:12:20,458
Are you bopping?
223
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:24,470
They said the rhythm
was gonna get me, and it did.
224
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,553
You think Arlo's having fun
over there?
225
00:12:30,473 --> 00:12:32,234
Probably not.
226
00:12:33,643 --> 00:12:34,971
Wait, you got to hear this.
227
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:38,060
So a few days ago, I see
Maddie taking out her trash.
228
00:12:38,059 --> 00:12:39,672
I'm not saying
she's a big drinker,
229
00:12:39,672 --> 00:12:42,671
but I redeemed her vodka bottles
and bought a new Jaguar.
230
00:12:42,671 --> 00:12:45,670
[Laughter]
231
00:12:45,855 --> 00:12:48,486
How about this kid,
who she gave up for adoption,
232
00:12:48,485 --> 00:12:50,377
and was crazy enough
to get back with her?
233
00:12:50,377 --> 00:12:52,700
- I mean, what are you thinking?
- I don't know!
234
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,080
She makes me sleep
in a gift-wrapping room!
235
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,605
And she's never even
given anyone a gift!
236
00:12:57,604 --> 00:12:59,604
[Laughter]
237
00:13:01,190 --> 00:13:03,835
If I hear Arlo laugh
one more time...
238
00:13:03,835 --> 00:13:06,629
Wow, this is really upsetting you.
You know what?
239
00:13:06,628 --> 00:13:08,985
I'm going next door, and
I'm gonna bring him back.
240
00:13:09,505 --> 00:13:12,688
No, don't. If he wants to be
over there, let him be over there.
241
00:13:13,394 --> 00:13:15,607
Let's just be adults
about this.
242
00:13:20,179 --> 00:13:23,179
Maddie, what are you doing?
Are you crazy?
243
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:25,403
I have got to hear
244
00:13:25,402 --> 00:13:28,937
what that red-headed devil
is saying to my son.
245
00:13:29,625 --> 00:13:30,961
Get up here,
Thelma.
246
00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:33,579
I don't want to get up there!
I'm afraid of heights!
247
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:35,225
That's not
even a real thing.
248
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:40,352
- Come on, I need you for balance.
- Oh, my...
249
00:13:41,823 --> 00:13:45,952
I miss when the Civil War thing
was the dumbest idea of the night.
250
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:50,986
- Mary and Joseph!
- Oh, stop it! You're Jewish.
251
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:54,942
Here we go. Don't look down,
just look up. Just look up.
252
00:13:55,494 --> 00:13:59,783
Hey, look at those people over there.
Are they having sex?
253
00:14:01,249 --> 00:14:03,592
Either that,
or he's killing her.
254
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:07,272
Oh, well. None of our business.
Okay, almost there.
255
00:14:07,271 --> 00:14:10,517
Thelma, oh, my God, stop pulling on me!
You're gonna make me lose my balance.
256
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,150
- Sorry, I'm trying not to die!
- BOTH: Oh, my God.
257
00:14:14,148 --> 00:14:17,623
[Screams]
258
00:14:17,996 --> 00:14:22,012
Oh, my God! Maddie, Thelma,
are you guys okay?
259
00:14:22,144 --> 00:14:24,088
[Gasping]
260
00:14:24,141 --> 00:14:25,822
I'm alive!
261
00:14:26,969 --> 00:14:29,828
You owe me
some serious overtime!
262
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:35,137
Oh, my God. The movie of my life,
flashed before my eyes.
263
00:14:35,136 --> 00:14:38,614
I was so good...
I should have been nominated.
264
00:14:39,134 --> 00:14:41,133
Oh, nice of you
to drop in.
265
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,132
I think I got my piano up here
the same way.
266
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,190
[Laughs]
267
00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:48,340
- What are you laughing at?
- Well, she just compared you to a pi...
268
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,612
Nothing.
269
00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:54,128
Lucila, please get spider-man and
her friend some hors d'oeuvres.
270
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,792
This is my chef.
I couldn't live without her.
271
00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:01,172
A female chef? What's the point?
Unless that's your "thang."
272
00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:05,628
- Shrimp puff?
- Uh, shrimp puff...
273
00:15:05,628 --> 00:15:07,626
Uh, yeah, that's me.
[Laughs]
274
00:15:07,626 --> 00:15:10,511
I also answer to crab cake
and muffin top.
275
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,007
Oh, you're so funny.
276
00:15:13,016 --> 00:15:16,939
I'm Arlo. I live right over there.
Penthouse "B."
277
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:21,619
I'm Lucila. Hey, have
you taken a gift bag?
278
00:15:21,618 --> 00:15:24,617
You know, this party's sponsored
by Suave Professionals.
279
00:15:24,616 --> 00:15:29,611
It creates brilliant salon-style shine,
right in your own home.
280
00:15:29,980 --> 00:15:32,202
- Hey, Arlo.
- Uh, not now, Griffin.
281
00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:34,654
Right.
You like chicks.
282
00:15:35,991 --> 00:15:39,950
Oh, look at this.
Arlo found a new, shiny object.
283
00:15:39,948 --> 00:15:40,996
Mmhmm.
284
00:15:40,997 --> 00:15:43,086
And I think
I just solved my problem.
285
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:47,594
- I'm an evil genius.
- Well, you're half right.
286
00:15:52,541 --> 00:15:55,024
287
00:15:55,964 --> 00:15:58,963
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hey, uh, no breakfast for me.
288
00:15:58,963 --> 00:16:01,547
- Kathy and I are going to...
- Hello, crab cake.
289
00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:03,646
Oh! Hi...
290
00:16:05,502 --> 00:16:08,959
- What is she doing here?
- She's our new chef.
291
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,879
You're welcome.
292
00:16:11,955 --> 00:16:15,377
Oh, didn't you need to scurry off
to your new best friend, Kathy Griffin?
293
00:16:15,376 --> 00:16:17,069
Who? Uhm...
294
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:21,086
No, no, I was coming to join
you guys for breakfast.
295
00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:24,475
- Frank, scooch over.
- Actually, I'm pretty comfortable...
296
00:16:28,485 --> 00:16:30,506
[doorbell rings]
297
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:38,941
- Banks, did you steal my chef?
- In your face, Kathy Griffin.
298
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:41,736
[Both laugh]
299
00:16:41,735 --> 00:16:42,991
Yes!
300
00:16:42,991 --> 00:16:45,680
Why are we both laughing?
I should be the only one laughing.
301
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:49,164
Well, you're really gonna be laughing
when you taste her cooking.
302
00:16:49,163 --> 00:16:51,768
I've been trying to unload
this broad for years,
303
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:54,137
but she kept
playing the frickin' violin
304
00:16:54,137 --> 00:16:57,369
about her poor family in the village
with all the earthquakes.
305
00:16:57,368 --> 00:17:00,518
Here's an idea... move somewhere
where they don't have earthquakes.
306
00:17:01,713 --> 00:17:04,692
Oh, please. Do you think
I was born yesterday?
307
00:17:04,894 --> 00:17:06,835
Not for a moment.
308
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:12,140
If she was such a terrible chef,
then how about that food at your party?
309
00:17:12,139 --> 00:17:14,258
Catered!
Are you kidding?
310
00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:19,028
I wouldn't even let my dogs eat her food,
and my dogs lick their butts all day.
311
00:17:19,916 --> 00:17:21,302
Scusi.
312
00:17:21,371 --> 00:17:25,501
Oh, Ramone. You and
your pepper mill are back.
313
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:29,022
I'm no back for you.
Miss Griffin, your breakfast is ready.
314
00:17:29,628 --> 00:17:31,910
She no treat me
like a piece of meat.
315
00:17:31,909 --> 00:17:35,774
Isn't it adorable how
he doesn't see what's coming?
316
00:17:38,295 --> 00:17:40,905
The joke's on you,
Kathy Griffin!
317
00:17:40,904 --> 00:17:44,376
His coq au vin
is not what you think it is.
318
00:17:44,659 --> 00:17:46,367
It's chicken.
319
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,196
That was Kathy Griffin.
320
00:17:51,265 --> 00:17:54,592
You won't believe the load
she tried to sell me.
321
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:59,733
Was it, by any chance, that Lucila
is the worst cook on earth?
322
00:18:00,893 --> 00:18:04,358
'Cause I think these eggs are gonna
burst out of me, alien style.
323
00:18:07,176 --> 00:18:09,177
- Anybody want more?
- No!
324
00:18:09,408 --> 00:18:11,435
I mean, no, thank you.
325
00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:16,011
You know, I want you to know
that I love you all...
326
00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:17,735
[Groans]
327
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:20,658
And I keep my will
in my glove compartment.
328
00:18:21,881 --> 00:18:25,343
You guys, stop it.
It can't be that horrible.
329
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,386
Oh, my God, ugh.
330
00:18:30,821 --> 00:18:33,175
I haven't tasted something
in my mouth like that
331
00:18:33,174 --> 00:18:35,930
since I spent the night
with Blue Man Group.
332
00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:41,031
It's true, she came home
looking like a smurf.
333
00:18:44,511 --> 00:18:47,867
- So you want me to fire her?
- What? No, no.
334
00:18:47,866 --> 00:18:51,773
She's perfect. Thank you,
Maddie, for doing this for me.
335
00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:54,517
A female chef
who can't cook?
336
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:58,027
I hope you appreciate the sacrifices
your mother is making for you.
337
00:18:58,727 --> 00:19:01,975
Oh, my blouse is caught
in the mixer!
338
00:19:02,059 --> 00:19:04,901
Oh, I do.
I really do!
339
00:19:07,255 --> 00:19:10,675
Hey, how about that?
He can run.
340
00:19:13,340 --> 00:19:16,340
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00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:20,940
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