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1
00:00:00,975 --> 00:00:03,609
Kirstie is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,642 --> 00:00:06,060
- Morning.
- Morning.
3
00:00:06,109 --> 00:00:10,863
And what is that flaming
ball of light in the sky?!
4
00:00:10,893 --> 00:00:15,007
It's called the sun.
It's been all over the news.
5
00:00:15,477 --> 00:00:19,012
Hey, "true blood."
Here's your schedule.
6
00:00:19,027 --> 00:00:21,446
I'm taking two days off, remember?
7
00:00:21,477 --> 00:00:24,062
Didn't I just give you
time off to go to that spa?
8
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:29,449
"Spa"?
My appendix burst in a cab.
9
00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:32,948
Look, I made things
"Madison Banks" simple for you.
10
00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:37,233
Beauty appointments are in blue,
performances in black.
11
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:38,730
And what is all this in red?
12
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:41,031
Drinking and slutting around.
13
00:00:41,064 --> 00:00:43,348
- Sorry, Arlo.
- That's cool.
14
00:00:43,364 --> 00:00:46,983
If it weren't for the red,
I might not be here.
15
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,181
Look, I don't know
what I might have said
16
00:00:48,198 --> 00:00:50,533
in a moment of gin-soaked generosity,
17
00:00:50,565 --> 00:00:54,318
but cannot possibly spare you now.
It is crazy around here.
18
00:00:58,982 --> 00:01:03,069
Okay. Does this have
anything to do with me
19
00:01:03,117 --> 00:01:05,518
asking for time off
to see my ex-husband?
20
00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:08,786
[gasps]
Duke Bainbridge is in town?
21
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,545
And people pay to see that acting?
22
00:01:12,777 --> 00:01:15,019
Hey, I didn't know you
were married to a Duke.
23
00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:16,686
Oh, he's not that kind of Duke.
24
00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:22,073
- My Duke is a world-class athlete.
- More like a world-class pig.
25
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,373
Every time he swoops into town,
he leaves poor Thelma in a puddle.
26
00:01:26,404 --> 00:01:28,020
And I have to book all
my own appointments.
27
00:01:28,037 --> 00:01:32,460
The last time he was here,
my eyebrows looked like caterpillars.
28
00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:36,023
Maddie always hated Duke,
but he was my first love.
29
00:01:36,038 --> 00:01:37,873
We had our daughter together.
30
00:01:37,905 --> 00:01:39,706
Sure, he cheated on the road,
31
00:01:39,739 --> 00:01:44,537
but you marry Kobe Bryant,
you know what you're getting into.
32
00:01:44,706 --> 00:01:45,689
[doorbell rings]
33
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,857
[gasps] That's him.
34
00:01:49,623 --> 00:01:52,859
Hey, babycakes.
35
00:01:54,157 --> 00:01:58,637
Kobe Bryant?
More like Kobe Beef.
36
00:02:01,409 --> 00:02:04,327
Duke, you look fantastic.
37
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,376
I've never seen you so buff.
38
00:02:06,410 --> 00:02:11,964
Well, it's probably my new regimen.
14 hours of sleep every night.
39
00:02:11,993 --> 00:02:16,247
Call me when you get up to 24.
I'll send flowers.
40
00:02:16,294 --> 00:02:18,879
This is Arlo, Maddie's son.
41
00:02:18,911 --> 00:02:21,045
Thelma tells me you're
a big-time athlete.
42
00:02:21,078 --> 00:02:25,832
Yeah, a professional pool player.
Easy!
43
00:02:25,862 --> 00:02:28,747
Athlete has to protect his instrument.
44
00:02:28,796 --> 00:02:31,798
Athlete...
I don't think it's a real sport
45
00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:33,196
if you can dangle a
cigarette from your mouth
46
00:02:33,213 --> 00:02:34,697
while you're playing it.
47
00:02:34,713 --> 00:02:39,533
I'm sorry. My profession takes skill.
You play pretend for a living.
48
00:02:39,547 --> 00:02:44,418
"Oh, there's a gentleman
caller at the door. Dee-dee."
49
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,799
I beg your pardon.
50
00:02:50,916 --> 00:02:53,384
So what?
One lousy Tony.
51
00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:55,834
I've got the Mosconi cup.
52
00:02:55,866 --> 00:02:59,585
So big, you can soak your feet
in it after a rough tournament.
53
00:02:59,633 --> 00:03:03,336
Too bad it's not big
enough for you to bathe in.
54
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,051
Oy! There he is.
55
00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:08,553
Pharaoh of the felt,
sultan of the side pocket.
56
00:03:08,585 --> 00:03:11,220
- Hello, Francis.
- Hey. Uh-uh.
57
00:03:11,252 --> 00:03:12,502
Yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]
58
00:03:12,535 --> 00:03:15,137
Hey, Arlo, you see this guy?
59
00:03:15,169 --> 00:03:17,036
He can jump over the six
to kiss the frozen two
60
00:03:17,052 --> 00:03:18,703
and bank it crosstown all day long.
61
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,588
Wow, that's impressive.
Or terrible.
62
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:24,255
I don't really know the game.
63
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:26,388
Thelma, you can have the day off,
but I want you back tonight.
64
00:03:26,421 --> 00:03:28,171
Oh, come on. Really?
65
00:03:28,204 --> 00:03:30,339
Yes.
The last time you saw him,
66
00:03:30,371 --> 00:03:32,853
you reeked of bourbon
and cue chalk for days.
67
00:03:32,886 --> 00:03:38,622
- Hang on, I don't drink bourbon.
- Oh. Maybe the bourbon is me.
68
00:03:38,673 --> 00:03:40,891
Come on, Duke, let's get out of here.
69
00:03:40,923 --> 00:03:42,590
- Okay.
- Want to get something to eat?
70
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:47,393
Yeah, but I'm on my training diet.
Is there a Popeyes nearby?
71
00:03:47,424 --> 00:03:49,425
Hey, you sure I
can't give you a lift?
72
00:03:49,475 --> 00:03:50,975
You still smoking the skunk?
73
00:03:51,007 --> 00:03:54,894
Well, just a little bit every day,
so it doesn't become a habit.
74
00:03:54,925 --> 00:03:59,145
- We'll get a cab.
- Okay.
75
00:03:59,175 --> 00:04:02,144
[upbeat jazz music]
76
00:04:06,428 --> 00:04:09,252
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
77
00:04:09,643 --> 00:04:11,043
[laughter]
78
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:13,044
Another glass, milady?
79
00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:17,347
You never called me that before.
Or poured my wine.
80
00:04:17,378 --> 00:04:21,181
Or drank wine that wasn't beer.
81
00:04:21,211 --> 00:04:24,347
Thelma, I'm sorry I wasn't
a better husband to you.
82
00:04:24,379 --> 00:04:27,064
I've really been regretting
that a lot lately.
83
00:04:27,096 --> 00:04:29,514
Wow. Listen to the new you.
84
00:04:29,546 --> 00:04:31,046
Maddie won't believe this.
85
00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:33,548
- And we're back to Maddie.
- Did I tell you?
86
00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:36,917
She texted me last night
at 3:00 A.M. to switch her
87
00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:40,267
white noise machine from
ocean waves to babbling brook.
88
00:04:40,415 --> 00:04:42,549
And she doesn't have babbling brook,
89
00:04:42,565 --> 00:04:45,901
so I had to make the noise myself.
90
00:04:45,932 --> 00:04:48,851
You've been complaining
more about Maddie than usual.
91
00:04:48,883 --> 00:04:50,484
Are you sure you're happy here?
92
00:04:50,516 --> 00:04:53,718
'Cause from where I sit, that
woman treats you like a slave.
93
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:58,604
That's not true. If I save
enough, I can buy my freedom.
94
00:04:58,650 --> 00:05:02,720
Listen, Thelma, I've been
looking back a lot lately.
95
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:05,403
And there's a reason
I needed to see you this trip.
96
00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:08,104
There is?
97
00:05:08,152 --> 00:05:12,689
Thelma, my womanizing
days are behind me now.
98
00:05:12,719 --> 00:05:15,688
I'm ready to make
a big change in my life.
99
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,273
- Hello, I'm home.
- Spoiler alert.
100
00:05:19,321 --> 00:05:23,824
- What?
- No, I'm alerting you the spoiler's home.
101
00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:27,941
Ew. Filthy pool hall
jacket on my silk sofa.
102
00:05:27,988 --> 00:05:29,505
[thud]
103
00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,528
Okay, visiting hours are over.
Chop-chop.
104
00:05:47,561 --> 00:05:50,980
Put down the shotgun, pappy.
He's leaving.
105
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:56,731
- Duke, what were you gonna tell me?
- Uh, we'll talk later.
106
00:05:56,879 --> 00:05:59,680
And hopefully, we won't.
107
00:05:59,695 --> 00:06:01,679
- Good night.
- Good night.
108
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,563
[door closes]
109
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,564
Always the hostess.
110
00:06:05,613 --> 00:06:07,897
I'm making myself a cup of hot cocoa.
111
00:06:07,946 --> 00:06:09,447
Wait, wait, wait.
I'll make it for you.
112
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,014
You're gonna make me cocoa?
113
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:14,149
Yes, you always make it.
We've been together 15 years.
114
00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:16,365
It's time I showed you
how much I appreciate you.
115
00:06:16,698 --> 00:06:18,365
Have a seat.
116
00:06:20,398 --> 00:06:22,899
All righty. Hot cocoa coming up.
117
00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:25,483
Now you might have to walk
me through the tricky parts,
118
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:29,202
like where the cocoa is
119
00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:32,368
and how one might
turn it into hot cocoa.
120
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,118
Just let me do it.
121
00:06:35,151 --> 00:06:40,038
So you want to come hang out
in my room and watch beaches?
122
00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:42,486
Like girlfriends do when
they're totally happy
123
00:06:42,517 --> 00:06:45,203
with their situation and
don't want to change a thing?
124
00:06:46,235 --> 00:06:49,788
- Okay. What the hell is up?
- You can't marry Duke.
125
00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:52,120
What?
W-what are you talking about?
126
00:06:52,153 --> 00:06:54,654
I found a ring in his jacket.
He's going to ask you to marry him.
127
00:06:54,686 --> 00:06:57,288
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
That's what he was going to tell me!
128
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,738
What should I do?
129
00:06:58,788 --> 00:07:01,322
I mean, he says he's changed,
but has he really changed?
130
00:07:01,353 --> 00:07:04,740
- Who changes? People...
- Oh, snap out of it!
131
00:07:04,788 --> 00:07:08,741
He's terrible for you.
Besides, we've got a great thing here.
132
00:07:08,789 --> 00:07:11,123
Oh, I know what this is about.
133
00:07:11,156 --> 00:07:14,742
You're afraid you're gonna lose
your little lapdog assistant.
134
00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:16,741
That is a damn lie!
135
00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:20,659
Although I am still
waiting for my cocoa.
136
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:25,027
Don't bother to call me later.
The babbling brook is broken.
137
00:07:25,041 --> 00:07:27,409
You know what,
Duke was right about you.
138
00:07:27,458 --> 00:07:29,859
He is not!
139
00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:34,378
What did he say about me?
Did he mention my new hair color?
140
00:07:34,409 --> 00:07:36,994
You don't want me
to have my own life.
141
00:07:37,026 --> 00:07:39,360
You know, I didn't know
what I was gonna do,
142
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:40,744
but you decided for me.
143
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:45,130
I'm going over to Duke's
and tell him I'm gonna marry him.
144
00:07:45,161 --> 00:07:49,047
No, you're not.
Give me that.
145
00:07:49,078 --> 00:07:51,296
Are you crazy?
Let go of my coat!
146
00:07:51,328 --> 00:07:53,529
No!
147
00:07:53,545 --> 00:07:57,181
You are making a huge mistake.
148
00:07:57,412 --> 00:08:00,798
You're too matchy-matchy.
149
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:02,581
[door closes]
150
00:08:06,530 --> 00:08:09,532
[whistling]
151
00:08:10,798 --> 00:08:12,248
[shouting]
152
00:08:15,531 --> 00:08:16,915
Go! Go!
153
00:08:16,965 --> 00:08:20,334
Who are you...
[yells]
154
00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:21,750
Who are you talking to?
155
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,385
Kid, we got a situation.
A bird got in the house.
156
00:08:25,416 --> 00:08:27,217
What's the big deal?
It's just a bird.
157
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:28,417
"Just a bird"?
158
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,702
These bastards are
descended from dinosaurs.
159
00:08:31,717 --> 00:08:33,918
Their brains... they
got smaller and smaller,
160
00:08:33,967 --> 00:08:38,221
- but their rage grew.
- Okay.
161
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,803
All right, I'm going in.
Cover your eyes.
162
00:08:40,835 --> 00:08:44,504
To birds, they're a delicacy.
163
00:08:44,535 --> 00:08:45,719
If birds had restaurants,
164
00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:47,670
they couldn't stock
enough human eyeballs.
165
00:08:47,702 --> 00:08:49,553
Aah!
166
00:08:52,221 --> 00:08:53,504
[gasps]
167
00:08:53,536 --> 00:08:55,588
Oh, my god.
168
00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:57,305
[gasps]
169
00:08:57,337 --> 00:09:00,206
Maddie's Tony....
170
00:09:00,222 --> 00:09:03,040
I killed it.
171
00:09:08,223 --> 00:09:10,593
[knock on door]
172
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,808
Thelma, uh, this
really isn't a good time.
173
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,425
I just had a huge fight with Maddie.
174
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,892
Look, Duke.
175
00:09:19,924 --> 00:09:22,092
I know what you were going to ask me
176
00:09:22,141 --> 00:09:24,392
when she came in and interrupted us.
177
00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:27,510
- You do?
- Yes.
178
00:09:27,541 --> 00:09:28,675
And I want you to know...
179
00:09:28,708 --> 00:09:31,877
Ah, sweet mystery of life
180
00:09:31,893 --> 00:09:33,894
That you have not changed one bit.
181
00:09:33,926 --> 00:09:36,228
You're still a damn womanizer.
182
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,212
at last I found you...
183
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:47,346
Okay, you may have
changed a little bit.
184
00:09:59,197 --> 00:10:02,149
Gay...
185
00:10:02,181 --> 00:10:05,650
- Gay?
- Gay.
186
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:10,084
- Super gay.
- What? When?
187
00:10:10,898 --> 00:10:14,184
I guess deep down
I always knew I had feelings.
188
00:10:14,199 --> 00:10:16,867
It's just hard for someone
who was raised like me
189
00:10:16,899 --> 00:10:18,367
to come to terms with them.
190
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,518
But now that my folks
and my priest are dead,
191
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:24,190
I figured it was time.
192
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:28,903
So all those women on the road...
193
00:10:28,951 --> 00:10:32,070
Dudes.
194
00:10:32,118 --> 00:10:36,178
- And you and Kevin are...
- Engaged.
195
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,703
We're registered at Crate & Barrel.
196
00:10:37,736 --> 00:10:40,571
No one's gotten us the fish tureen yet.
197
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:43,806
We're tying the knot
tomorrow, and that's what
198
00:10:43,804 --> 00:10:46,989
I was about to tell you
when Maddie came home.
199
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,537
And then it's the honeymoon.
200
00:10:48,571 --> 00:10:50,372
I've been saving myself.
201
00:10:50,404 --> 00:10:52,288
Not really. Wink.
202
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,573
Kev, dial it down just a notch.
203
00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:58,022
- All right?
- Oh, sure.
204
00:10:58,039 --> 00:11:00,240
- Can you give us a moment?
- Of course.
205
00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:04,859
at last I found me...
206
00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:10,543
Look, Duke.
I gotta ask.
207
00:11:10,574 --> 00:11:13,292
Was it... me?
208
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:17,711
No way.
You are all woman.
209
00:11:17,742 --> 00:11:21,378
- Yeah.
- That was the problem.
210
00:11:21,409 --> 00:11:23,526
All that traveling to pool tournaments
211
00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:27,128
left me a lot of time to
have some soul-searching,
212
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:31,288
and one day, I could no
longer ignore the real reason
213
00:11:31,285 --> 00:11:35,413
I liked having a stick
sliding through my hands all the time...
214
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,591
balls smacking balls.
215
00:11:39,494 --> 00:11:42,797
Stop explaining!
216
00:11:42,829 --> 00:11:44,747
Oh.
217
00:11:46,129 --> 00:11:51,500
- I'm sorry.
- [sighs] No. Don't be sorry.
218
00:11:51,529 --> 00:11:55,216
I'm glad you finally
figured out who you are.
219
00:11:55,247 --> 00:12:01,035
Actually, I guess a very
awkward congratulations
220
00:12:01,048 --> 00:12:04,366
- is in order.
- Thank you, babycakes.
221
00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:05,965
[laughs]
222
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:07,716
Wait.
223
00:12:07,749 --> 00:12:12,552
Is that why we went to
see Cher for your birthday?
224
00:12:12,583 --> 00:12:15,585
Why do you think
I knew all the words?
225
00:12:19,584 --> 00:12:21,201
Seven weeks!
226
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:24,503
No, you got to be able to replace
an award quicker than that.
227
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:26,502
All right, look, I don't
want to go over your head,
228
00:12:26,534 --> 00:12:30,721
but let me talk to this Tony guy.
229
00:12:30,753 --> 00:12:32,253
Hello?
230
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,086
Hey, did you find the bird?
231
00:12:35,136 --> 00:12:37,871
Forget about the stupid bird.
We got bigger problems.
232
00:12:37,886 --> 00:12:39,420
So you have any luck in Times Square?
233
00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:43,006
Oh, yep.
Problem...
234
00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:44,421
solution.
235
00:12:46,638 --> 00:12:49,039
- World's greatest dad?
- Yeah.
236
00:12:49,055 --> 00:12:50,756
I thought we could
replace the word "dad"
237
00:12:50,805 --> 00:12:53,706
with "performance in
a musical or comedy."
238
00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:57,225
Wow.
You really did think this through.
239
00:12:57,256 --> 00:12:59,391
What, are you "wacked?"
240
00:12:59,423 --> 00:13:01,257
We're not going to fool her with that!
241
00:13:01,306 --> 00:13:03,307
Thelma?
242
00:13:05,373 --> 00:13:06,924
Where's Thelma?
243
00:13:06,974 --> 00:13:08,925
I don't want to let her suffer anymore.
244
00:13:08,974 --> 00:13:12,177
I'm ready for her to apologize.
245
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,676
- Well, she's not here.
- What?
246
00:13:14,708 --> 00:13:16,375
I saw her in the
lobby, like, an hour ago.
247
00:13:16,393 --> 00:13:18,811
She was all gussied up and talking
about going to City Hall.
248
00:13:18,842 --> 00:13:21,560
Oh, my god.
She's gonna elope with Duke,
249
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:24,595
and this is all my fault.
Frank, get the car!
250
00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:27,547
We've got to stop her from being happy.
251
00:13:33,261 --> 00:13:35,512
[applause]
252
00:13:35,544 --> 00:13:37,312
Oh, my gosh.
I am so nervous.
253
00:13:37,345 --> 00:13:39,230
- I'll be right back.
- Hurry.
254
00:13:39,262 --> 00:13:44,600
You had to say that?
You know I have a shy bladder.
255
00:13:44,646 --> 00:13:46,713
Thelma, I'm so glad you're here.
256
00:13:46,730 --> 00:13:50,767
I never thought I'd say this,
but that guy completes you.
257
00:13:55,431 --> 00:13:57,098
Oh, my god. No. Thelma!
258
00:13:57,148 --> 00:13:58,265
Thelma!
259
00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,566
Thelma! Thelma!
260
00:14:00,599 --> 00:14:03,067
- Maddie.
- I object!
261
00:14:03,099 --> 00:14:06,384
- No one asked if anyone objected.
- But they will, and I do.
262
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,517
You are about to
make a fool of yourself.
263
00:14:08,549 --> 00:14:10,851
And I'm proud to do it.
264
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,718
You cannot marry these two people.
It is just wrong.
265
00:14:13,734 --> 00:14:15,384
- Come on now.
- What?
266
00:14:15,401 --> 00:14:17,518
No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out, hear me out.
267
00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:19,402
My name is Madison Banks.
268
00:14:19,435 --> 00:14:23,104
You might know me from stage and film.
Less so film.
269
00:14:23,151 --> 00:14:27,822
Anyway, to marry these
two people is a travesty,
270
00:14:27,852 --> 00:14:31,321
a mockery of the sacred
institution of marriage.
271
00:14:31,352 --> 00:14:33,103
Have they no shame?
272
00:14:33,153 --> 00:14:35,655
When I think of them in holy matrimony,
273
00:14:35,687 --> 00:14:38,823
it makes me want to vomit.
274
00:14:40,987 --> 00:14:42,571
And who are you?
275
00:14:42,605 --> 00:14:45,156
This is Kevin, the
man I'm about to marry.
276
00:14:45,189 --> 00:14:49,075
- Big fan.
- Thank you.
277
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:53,991
- Wait. He's...
- Super gay.
278
00:14:56,607 --> 00:15:00,493
Well, then I take back
most of what I just said.
279
00:15:00,523 --> 00:15:04,159
So let's all join in
together and congratulate
280
00:15:04,191 --> 00:15:06,575
Kevin and Duke in their new marriage.
281
00:15:06,608 --> 00:15:08,242
[claps]
Who-whoo!
282
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,410
Yeah, up with gay marriage!
283
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:14,368
Right, guys?
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
284
00:15:14,992 --> 00:15:17,944
[muttering]
285
00:15:20,872 --> 00:15:23,623
It was so nice to meet you, Thelma.
286
00:15:23,655 --> 00:15:26,790
And thanks for the fish tureen.
287
00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:30,441
I'll be right with you...
Mrs. Bainbridge.
288
00:15:30,456 --> 00:15:34,807
I swore you wouldn't
make me cry. Oh!
289
00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:37,992
Thelma, you're a great lady.
290
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,492
I swear, if I wasn't gay,
I'd marry you all over again.
291
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:44,409
You always know the
right thing to say.
292
00:15:44,441 --> 00:15:47,881
And then you go past it.
293
00:15:47,941 --> 00:15:50,159
Duke, I just want to say
from the bottom of my heart...
294
00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:52,109
Can it, ham bone.
295
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,375
[mouths silently]
296
00:15:53,409 --> 00:15:55,493
You better treat this little lady right,
297
00:15:55,542 --> 00:15:59,879
or I'll be back, and we'll
fix these highlights too.
298
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,079
I told you you were
gonna embarrass yourself.
299
00:16:07,111 --> 00:16:10,881
Oh, just so you know, I
was only looking out for you.
300
00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:13,496
We're a lot like these other couples.
301
00:16:15,046 --> 00:16:17,297
Well, not them.
302
00:16:17,329 --> 00:16:18,663
But you know what I mean.
303
00:16:18,713 --> 00:16:21,164
We've got kind of a
marriage thing going on.
304
00:16:21,212 --> 00:16:22,212
And you know what, sometimes,
305
00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,465
I can be a bit of a crappy husband.
306
00:16:24,497 --> 00:16:27,666
Why are you the husband?
307
00:16:27,714 --> 00:16:31,783
Because I make more money,
and I'm significantly taller.
308
00:16:31,797 --> 00:16:33,131
But you know what?
309
00:16:33,164 --> 00:16:34,948
I'm not gonna take you
for granted anymore.
310
00:16:34,965 --> 00:16:37,300
And I'm gonna give
you more vacation days.
311
00:16:37,332 --> 00:16:42,219
- I'm even gonna unplug the Thelma cam.
- I'm sorry, the what?
312
00:16:42,249 --> 00:16:46,385
The point is that I
don't want us to be unhappy.
313
00:16:46,417 --> 00:16:51,471
I never said I was unhappy.
Crazy as it is,
314
00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:54,920
you're my...
[muffled] best friend.
315
00:16:54,951 --> 00:16:58,471
Really?
I'm your... [muffled] best friend?
316
00:16:58,502 --> 00:17:02,588
Yeah.
We have a lot of laughs. [laughs]
317
00:17:02,618 --> 00:17:04,953
Mostly at your expense.
318
00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:07,954
- I got it pretty good.
- Oh. Hey, hey.
319
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:09,887
As long as we're here,
you want to make it legal?
320
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,057
You mean get a restraining
order against you?
321
00:17:14,087 --> 00:17:16,788
Already in the works.
322
00:17:16,804 --> 00:17:22,759
A little super glue and tape
and a little more super glue, huh?
323
00:17:22,788 --> 00:17:25,641
[clang]
324
00:17:25,672 --> 00:17:30,459
Well, I tried.
I should just pack my things.
325
00:17:30,473 --> 00:17:32,457
Come on, Frank, she's
not going to fire you.
326
00:17:32,473 --> 00:17:37,293
Let me tell you a little story
about the cleaning lady, Soledad.
327
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:40,959
She laid this Tony on its side
while she was dusting the piano.
328
00:17:40,974 --> 00:17:45,794
Next morning,
she's on a slow boat to Managua.
329
00:17:45,808 --> 00:17:49,127
Okay, well, that's a cleaning lady.
You're family.
330
00:17:49,142 --> 00:17:51,977
You're family.
She got rid of you.
331
00:17:53,477 --> 00:17:57,272
- Good point.
- Kid, you might not know
332
00:17:57,269 --> 00:18:00,462
this about your mother,
but she's kind of insecure,
333
00:18:00,478 --> 00:18:03,179
and this little piece
of metal validates her.
334
00:18:03,227 --> 00:18:06,847
And it just kills me that
I took that away from her.
335
00:18:06,895 --> 00:18:08,628
[laughter]
336
00:18:08,646 --> 00:18:10,463
I turn around, you're standing there.
[laughs]
337
00:18:10,479 --> 00:18:15,466
- Hey. You two okay?
- We are terrific. [laughs]
338
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,014
Hey, Maddie, can I fix you a sandwich?
339
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:21,794
Better yet,
fix us both a sandwich.
340
00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:25,066
So what are you two guys up to?
341
00:18:25,097 --> 00:18:26,981
Maddie, there's
something I got to tell you.
342
00:18:27,015 --> 00:18:28,649
No.
343
00:18:28,681 --> 00:18:30,348
It was me. I broke the...
344
00:18:30,398 --> 00:18:32,149
Aah! Birds!
345
00:18:32,181 --> 00:18:33,631
[award clatters]
Aah!
346
00:18:33,649 --> 00:18:36,633
Oh... my... god.
347
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:38,017
Oh.
348
00:18:38,066 --> 00:18:42,569
My god.
Why?
349
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,301
[screams] Why?
350
00:18:45,317 --> 00:18:50,604
Why should a dog, a horse,
a rat have life,
351
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:53,320
and thou, no breath at all?
352
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,686
I'm good, huh?
353
00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:02,655
- But your Tony...
- Yes, my Tony.
354
00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:06,856
you know, I usually only
put the Real McCoy out
355
00:19:06,904 --> 00:19:09,472
during award season...
356
00:19:09,487 --> 00:19:11,359
but it's right around the corner.
357
00:19:13,471 --> 00:19:17,324
There we are.
Now all is right with the world.
358
00:19:17,355 --> 00:19:19,490
Oh, what was it you were saying, Arlo?
You broke something?
359
00:19:19,522 --> 00:19:25,277
- I broke my high score in Donkey Kong.
- Good.
360
00:19:25,306 --> 00:19:28,525
You'll have something to
put in the Christmas letter.
361
00:19:28,573 --> 00:19:32,443
So where is that old ball
and chain with my sandwich?
362
00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:36,077
Wow. I can't believe you were
gonna take a bullet for me.
363
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:39,827
Hey, when I came into this
looney bin, you had my back.
364
00:19:39,859 --> 00:19:42,594
I was just trying to repay the favor.
365
00:19:45,391 --> 00:19:47,342
Why are you hugging me like that?
366
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:50,192
Because I am super-glued to the piano.
367
00:19:51,208 --> 00:19:53,553
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~ Addic7ed.com ~
368
00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:58,153
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