All language subtitles for Kirstie s01e01 Pilot.engg

Kirstie is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

[Applause]

[Cheering]

- You were wonderful.
- Both: Thank you.

Both: She meant me.

Thank you for coming.

- Can I get a picture?
- Over here, Madison!

- [Phone rings] Frank speaking.
- Maddie freezing.

Where the hell are you, Frank?
It's 10 degrees out here.

I can't feel my face,
and it's not the Botox.

I'm two minutes away.
I just got a little held up.

Frank, you're not taking people on tours
in the backseat of my car again, are you?

No, I'm stuck in traffic, right in front
of the fabulous Radio City Music Hall,

home of the world-famous Rockettes.
[Camera shutters clicking]

- Frank!
- I'm gonna be there in a minute.

Should I pick you up anything
at the world-renowned Carnegie Deli?

[Horns honking]

I want you here when I'm ready.

Bring me a corned beef.

Oh, oh, that's my phone.
That's my phone!

[Screams] Ow, my eyes!

Why would you pepper-spray me?
I was just giving it back to you.

You weren't pepper-sprayed.
You were Chanel-ed.

You're Madison Banks,
right?

That depends.
Are you litigious?

No, but I'm pretty sure I'm the kid
you gave up for adoption 26 years ago.

Ow, son of a bitch!

[Upbeat jazz music]

Season 1, Episode 1
"Pilot"

Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com

- Thelma, Thelma.
- Relax.

Frank called, and he told me
you were bringing home a guest.

I set the lights in your room to make
you look as alluring as possible.

They're off.

No, no, Thelma, something
really weird happened.

Whoa, not bad.

You're what they call
back home "lottery rich."

This is your date?

You're seeing the eye doctor
tomorrow.

Hi, I'm Arlo.
Arlo Barth.

I'm Thelma Katz,
Miss Banks' personal assistant.

Oh, sorry.

My hands get real sweaty
when I'm nervous.

- Actually, all of me does.
- Oh.

Don't touch my back.

Arlo, Arlo, come here.

Why don't you go
in the kitchen?

My personal chef will make you
anything you want.

You have a personal chef,
a driver, and an assistant?

You're like a white Oprah.

Did you tell her yet?
Isn't it incredible?

Tell me what?

That kid who came in with
her, he came out of her.

Okay, hold it.

You mean that's the baby
you gave up for...

Whoa, wait a minute.

Thelma knew that you had a kid
that you gave up for adoption,

but you didn't tell me?

- What gives?
- Frank, you're my driver.

We have
a professional relationship.

Professional?

I cut you out of your spanx
every night in that car.

Maddie, that kid
you brought home,

he just told me he's the one
you gave up for adoption.

Oh, the cook knows too.

Well, apparently,
I'm good enough

to hold your weed in the airport
but not your secrets.

[Breathing heavily]

God, I'm hyperventilating.

Thelma, do that thing you do
to calm me down.

- What thing?
- With the glass and the alcohol.

This isn't happening.
Maybe it's not even him, right?

I don't know.
He's got your boobs.

Just calm down, okay?
Let's just figure this out.

We gonna kill him?

Why would we kill him?

Well, I'm just saying
I used to drive for 50 Cent.

I know how this movie goes.

Oh, oh, here you are. I got lost
and ended up in a workout room.

I have a workout room?

So, Arlo, let me see
how I can put this delicately.

Are you some scumbag con man
looking for a quick payday?

Look, I get it.
You want proof.

I figured you would.
Here are the papers.

I didn't even know
I was adopted.

I just found them in my mother's things
after she passed away last month.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Say something nice.

Dead mom?
What are you gonna do?

Would you excuse us
for a sec?

I can't believe
she has a kid.

So what's she like?
Is she a cool boss?

Both: Eh.

- Whoa, whoa, is that...
- Chill, brother, it's medicinal.

Don't tell your mother,
but I'm half blind.

I hate to tell you, Maddie, but
these adoption papers look legit.

"I relinquish all rights
to my child.

Love and light,
Madison Banks."

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It can't be him.

Look at me.
I'm pretty.

Oh, wait a minute.
I just remembered something.

The baby had
a very specific birthmark.

Great.
Where is it?

Yes, sir,
that's your baby.

Oh, my God,
you are him.

This is blowing my mind.

You're my biological mother.

You know, I think
we have the same nose.

Not unless we have
the same surgeon.

Oh, before I forget,
I've got something for you.

Oh, my God, this is his revenge.
He's got a gun!

No, it's just
a gift I made.

[Groans] Oh.

Boo!
[Screams]

He's twisted.
I like him.

I'll just open this
a little later.

So are you
into Civil War reenactments?

I do those, like,
once a month.

At the battle of Gettysburg,
I played dead for 13 hours.

The trick?
Eyes open, no blinking.

Yeah, exactly like that.

You know, Arlo, I'm not exactly
sure what you're looking for.

Do you have any questions
you'd like to ask me?

Yeah.
Why'd you give me up?

At least he didn't ask
for a kidney.

I figured you got pregnant in high school
and were too young to handle a child,

so with tears in your eyes, you made
the toughest decision of your life.

Close.

I was 24, and I'd just been offered
the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,

and I wanted
to be a star.

But with tears in my eyes,

I made the toughest decision
of my life.

Oh, and my father?

Oh, could have been
any number of guys

in a summer stock production
of Jesus Christ Superstar.

- Any number?
- Well, not any number.

There were only 12 apostles.

So, Arlo,
tell us about you.

Well, I live in Trenton, New Jersey,
and I work at The Glazed Hole.

Is that a gay bar?

The gays love me.

No, it's a doughnut shop.

Doughnuts love her too.

So that's your life, working
at the glazed hole?

I guess.

I mean, not everyone's meant
to be a star.

Some people just live
and then die.

Oh, Arlo, look.

I had a lot of doors slammed in my face
when I was starting out. [Gasps]

My Tony...

Is that the right position?

Perfect.

But what I'm saying is
that I believed in myself.

I knew I had
something inside me.

Like she said, it could have
been any number of guys.

The point is
that Wednesday night,

I am opening
in my 14th Broadway show,

and I didn't have to sleep
with anyone for the last five.

I've never even been
to a Broadway show before.

Do you think
I could come and see it?

Um...

Oh, and I was wondering
if next week,

you wanted to come out to Newark to watch
me in the battle of Chancellorsville.

Newark...?

And I know it's a long shot,
but since you're a celebrity,

I was hoping maybe you could
pull a couple strings

and get us on Family Feud.

Oh, Arlo, I'm gonna be
really, really busy

with this play for a while,
so you know what?

Why don't we
just stay in touch?

- Oh, um, okay.
- Okay.

Oh, and if you have any more questions
for me, here's my autobiography.

- Well, uh, thanks.
- Take care.

You're unbelievable.

You treated him
like he was one of your fans.

That is your kid.

That chapter of my life
was over long ago.

I'm not revisiting it.

You know, I still remember the day that
I handed him over to the social worker,

and I kept thinking
to myself,

this is when you can change
your mind and take him back.

And I didn't.

I'm not a mother.

[Upbeat jazz music]

[Piano music]

[Doorbell rings]

Mm, excuse me.

- Hey!
- Holy crap.

- Thelma, it's back.
- The herpes?

No, Arlo. He's here.
And these are my best friends.

It's not the time for a sweaty,
doughnut-making skeleton

to fall out of my closet.

Maybe he hasn't lit
the world on fire yet,

but I think that boy
is a diamond in the rough.

Go on, open the door.

So, Arlo,
what brings you here,

past two doormen
and a security camera?

Is this a bad time? I left
my backpack here last night.

By the way,
I love your hair.

You look just like
Marge Simpson.

- Um, are you having a party?
- No, I'm not having a party.

Bye, Maddie.
Great party.

Cool, I get to meet
all your friends.

It's not really a party.
It's more of a business meeting.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, look, Frank,
Arlo's here.

Hey, kid.
Great to see you.

I'm telling you,
I can still kill him.

Arlo, let's go
in the kitchen.

Wow, these tiny beans are a little
salty, but I'm digging 'em.

- Great. They're $300 an ounce.
- Worth it.

Who is this young man?

I don't recall seeing you
at any of Maddie's parties.

- Jeffrey Sheppard, actor.
- Arlo Barth, reenactor.

And how do you
know Maddie?

He's my...
hey, that fat girl looks drunk.

Where?

Uh, I'm getting kind of a weird vibe.
Do you not want me here?

Oh, don't be silly.

It's just, you're not
quite dressed for the occasion,

but I have this jacket
for you to wear.

Oh.

- But this is a waiter's jacket.
- And you make it work.

I'm not stupid,
you know.

I can see
what's going on here.

- You're embarrassed by me.
- Embarrassed...?

Listen, I'm starting to think that
this whole thing was a dumb idea.

Maybe we should just go back
to not knowing each other.

It was interesting
meeting you.

[Clears throat]

What?

He wanted to go,

and he's leaving with $2,000
worth of caviar in his belly.

Not such a sad story.

Ugh.

Wow, "The Glazed Hole" makes it
sound fancier than it is.

Excuse me?

Hello...?

- Hello?
- I hear you. I'm not ready yet. Eh.

Tanya, I finished
cleaning out the...

What are you doing here?

Arlo, after you left last
night, I felt just terrible.

That's why I drove all the way
out here to apologize.

Uh, you had Frank drive.

Yes, but my seat warmer was broken,
so I could barely sleep comfortably.

I opened the gift
you gave me.

Thank you
for the mother's day card.

I've never gotten one
before.

Or given one.

FYI, your grandmother's
a bitch.

It's too late for this.
I'm working.

Yeah, that grease isn't gonna
skim itself, lard ass.

Hey, you cannot talk to him
like that.

That's my...
You know, he's my...

Son. T-word is "son."
You can't even say it.

- Just go.
- Arlo, please.

So you're the famous actress
I never heard of

who put Captain Sweaty
up for adoption.

I can't say I blame you.
That boy is pitiful.

Hey, you're not
allowed back here.

Yeah, but you have
something right there.

- Where?
- Right here.

[Screams]

- Now it's gone.
- Are you crazy?

[Grunts]

[Shouts]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

I'm standing up for you.

Where do you get off trying to play
mother when it's convenient for you?

You wouldn't even tell
your friends who I was.

Arlo,
you don't understand.

This isn't easy for me.
My friends think I'm 36.

What about me?

I meet the woman who gave me up
when I was born,

and then
she gives me up again.

You're just this rich snob

who's so lonely, she has to pay
her employees to be her friends

because she has
no one else in her life.

Well, you know what?

You could have had someone else,
but you didn't want him.

Okay, your total
comes to $160.28.

You are so good to me.

Can I ask you a question,
Thelma?

Are you my friend, or do you just do
all these things because I pay you?

Oh, honey.

Both.

Maddie,
where's this coming from?

It's just been
in my head.

Look, you've got
to pull yourself together.

This is the
opening night.

- You need your head in the game.
- I know. I just so blew it with Arlo.

I just wanted him to give me
another chance,

and now
I'll never see him again.

Front row, in the box,
stage right.

What?
How did you get him?

Frank and I went to his place, and
I just told him he can't give up on you.

You're a diamond
in the rough too.

- So he's forgiven me?
- Well, not quite.

Took some arm-twisting to get him here,
but he's not very strong.

The rest is up to you.

[Door closes]

You know, Owen, I'm not
half the woman I used to be.

And I'm not half the drinker
I used to be.

[Laughter]

- So, darling, do you have any regrets?
- None.

Then let's get
the honeymoon started.

[Cheers and applause]

Wait!

- I have a regret.
- No, I don't think you do.

Yeah, I do.

20...

26 years ago,
I gave up something,

and I think about that loss
every single day,

and I'm so sorry.

I'm not very good
at this mothering thing,

but I think I might be able
to get better.

But I could at least
be a good friend.

And by good friend,
you mean wife,

so let's get
the honeymoon started.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!

[Applause fades]

All I'm asking for
is a second chance.

I think that you and I could
have something really special.

I think so too!

I'm willing to try,
if you are.

I am!

Who is that?

That is my son.

[Audience aws]

[Cheers and applause]

Oh.

Oh, this is the first time
we ever hugged.

I can feel
your heart beating.

And I can feel
your back sweating.

And I'm okay with that.

And now I'm not.

And listen, you inspired me.
I quit my job.

You're right. I was meant for
better things than the glazed hole.

- Yes, you are.
- I have no idea what those things are.

But that's okay.
I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna make you my project,
and not like that school in Africa.

I'm gonna finish you.

Well, we've got some
of the early reviews.

Okay, Theater Mania called you
"Bigger and harder than ever."

Wait a minute, sorry.
That's a pop-up Viagra ad.

- I got The Times.
- I can't listen.

They're gonna crucify me
for that onstage meltdown.

"Worst case scenario is
both frothy and delicious."

Did you hear? They called me
"Frothy and delicious."

- Oh, my God, we got away with it!
- Yeah!

Got away with it?
You're in a big, fat hit.

[Squeals] All right!

Come on, kid, you're coming to
your first opening night party.

- By the way, you got a suit?
- Union or Confederate?

Oh, my God, we're a hit.
Do you know what this means?

- I can stop putting booze in your tea?
- No, keep doing that.

It means that I am a successful
working mother trying to have it all.

I am so gonna score
the cover of People.

Suck it, Angelina Jolie.

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www.addic7ed.com

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