All language subtitles for Four Weddings and a Funeral s01e05_English

NARRATOR: Previously on "Four
Weddings and a Funeral"...

� Your father and I
have been happy

to help you out
the last couple of years,

but after that
extravagant wedding,

we have reached our limit.

� I'm staying, Mom.

� I admire your tenacity,
because we're cutting you off.

� Oh, God.

� Your father told me
that you're interested
in an arranged marriage.

� Fatima.
� Kash.

[stammers]
We can shake hands.

� Great.
[both laugh]

AUGUSTA: Giles looks
in good spirits, at least.

Is he all packed
and ready for boarding school?

� Actually, Giles isn't going
back to Cragscross on Monday.

� What Giles really needs��

� What Giles needs
is to be with his mother.

ZARA:
My name's Zara.

I'm a Virgo by birth,
Gemini by choice,

and I'm looking for love.

� And that's what I wish
for all of you��

that you find someone

who makes you
a better version of you

than you would ever be
on your own...

who you'd be
utterly lost without.

� I'm in love with you, Maya.

[mellow instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping
in the distance]

� [inhales deeply]

[chuckles softly]

[man groans]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

� Hey.

� Morning, Duffy.

♪ ♪

Oh, uh��

� I was just grabbing
my glasses.

MAYA: Oh.
DUFFY: Could you, actually?

Thanks.

[gasps]
Holy shit, Maya?

� [chuckles]

DUFFY:
I'm late.

Sorry.

� So...
what's the play here?

Do we talk about this?

� Yeah, no,
we definitely should, right?

It's just��if I'm not at Peath
when they boys wake up,

they go full�on
Lord of the Flies.

One time they flushed
an entire kid down the toilet.

Maybe we can talk
about this tonight

over, um, dinner?

� Uh, sure.
� Yeah?

� Mm�hmm.

� Great.

I'll see you tonight.

� Great.
� Okay.

♪ ♪

Bye.

♪ ♪

� Oh, nice to see you, Duffy.
� [chuckles] Yeah.

� Are you sure
you can't stay for breakfast?

I have cinnamon rolls.
� Oh, yeah, sorry.

Got to make a train.
� Oh, well, well...

I hope enjoyed your stay here
at Chez Amour!

[chuckles]

[door closes]
Maya, Maya!

I can't believe
I am sitting on the bed

where you and Duffy had sex.

[giggles goofily,
imitates squeaking]

� Oh, my God,
stop being a loser.

� No, this is amazing.

You are finally
with someone nice.

� It's not just someone.
It's Duffy.

� So?

� I've known him
since we were 18.

His mom did my bunion surgery.

AINSLEY:
But he's in love with you.

He's always been
in love with you.

Haven't you at least thought
about it?

� Sure, I've always thought
he was cute.

And then he'd show up
to graduation in a Jedi outfit,

and I'd be like,
"Uh, never mind."

� Okay, is that worse than Ted?

Or that jerk who cheated on you
with that girl

who looked exactly like
his sister?

� Derek.
He's actually in jail.

� Why, because he
and his sister��

� Insider trading.
� Ugh, boring.

You don't even date
interesting jerks.

Look, you have known
Duffy forever,

so you know
what a good guy he is.

Isn't it worth
just a little shot?

Let me ask you one question��
� The sex was...good.

� "Good."
That's it? "Good"?

� Okay, fine, it was great.
� I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, my God, yes, yes!

[imitates squeaking]
� Stop it!

� Oh, my God, I don't know
where that pillow's been.

Stop!

[light indie rock music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter,
phones ringing]

� Mate, Zara's a TV star.

CRAIG:
Reality TV?

Relax, this will be over soon.

Zara won't last a week
without her phone.

� I don't know. She's already
everyone's favorite.

Basheer thinks
she'll end up with Duncan,

the guy who teaches
blind children

because the seeing ones
find him too attractive.

Sorry, mate.
I wasn't thinking.

� [sighs]
It's all right.

I mean, people don't really
find love on this show, right?

KASH: Well, the people who won
Love Chalet last year

are already on baby number two,
so��oh, my God, sorry.

Fatima's obsessed
with this stuff.

She was telling me about it
all last night.

� Oh, that's the third time

I heard you mention
Fatima today.

Do I hear mosque bells?

� It's hard to tell
with these chaperoned dates.

We're not even allowed
to hold hands.

� I don't know
what to tell you, man.

Zara and I had sex
on our first date

before the main course arrived.

God, I miss her.

GEMMA: Can you believe Giles
and I took the Tube here?

It was quite a thrill.

Someone drew a phallus
on an advertisement.

� Mummy, I have eight kills!
All headshots!

� Oh, that's wonderful,
darling.

He never told me things
like that before.

[upbeat pop music playing
over speakers]

� So...

are you two doing okay?

� All things considered.

Giles is relieved not to be
going back to Cragscross.

� Mm.
� He starts Peath in two weeks.

� Peath? That's perfect.
Duffy can keep an eye on him.

� Yes, I agree.
It's not ideal.

But I'm more concerned
about my role.

How am I gonna help Giles
with his homework?

And what do I pack him
for lunch?

Steak?

Raisins?
I'm overwhelmed.

� Oh, girl, my mom used
to pack me cottage cheese

and a picture of Miss America
for inspiration.

You're gonna be fine.

� Oh, I just want Giles
to be okay.

He still insists on sleeping
in my bed every night.

He's very fragile right now.

� Mummy, I've killed them all!

I've won!
[vocalizing goofily]

Yeah!
� Sweet, isn't it?

GILES: Yeah!
[vocalizing]

Yeah!

[mellow piano music playing]

� Thank you.
� Thanks.

♪ ♪

� Duffy��
� Hey, last night was��

Whew.
Yeah, um��no, please.

You go, you go.
� No, please, after you.

♪ ♪

� Look, I obviously like you,

and I obviously have
always liked you

and not just because
you look like you.

I think you're really smart,

and I think you fight
for things that matter.

Do you remember
when you convinced us
to occupy Wall Street

and I almost died
of trench foot?

� Yeah, I remember that.

[chuckles]

� I don't have any regrets
about last night

except that I wish I would've
told you how I felt sooner.

I guess I was just afraid

that you wouldn't feel
the same way.

And seeing you now,
I realize that you don't,

and I really wish I would've
let you speak first.

Oh, my God.

� Duffy, you're one
of my best friends��

� Hey, no, I get it.
It was a one�time thing.

We shall never speak
of it again.

Could we get the check, please?

� Duffy,
will you let me finish?

♪ ♪

You're one
of my best friends...

� Yeah.

� Which is why...

I feel like this could be
really good.

♪ ♪

I�I want to give it a try.

♪ ♪

� Wait, are you serious?
� [chuckles]

Yeah.

� Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Just to be clear,
you're talking boyfriend
and girlfriend, right?

� [laughs]
Yes.

� Okay, yeah.

No, I would��I would
really love that as well.

TV HOST:
It's week two of Love Chalet,

and things
are really heating up.

[funky pop music]

♪ ♪

[song continues playing on TV]

♪ ♪

MAYA: Come on!

� I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh. [grunts]
� Yes, thank you.

DUNCAN: Here, let me feed you
some fondue.

� Mmm.

That's delicious.

I can't eat too much cheese.
It inflames my colon.

DUNCAN:
I love learning
more about you.

Did you know
I'm an aspiring bartender?

� No.
� Mm�hmm.

� That's so cool.
� I know, right?

� Duncan, you smell amazing.

DUNCAN:
Thanks, I'm using a new scent.

ZARA: Really?
DUNCAN: Yeah.

PAUL: I knew you'd been
using my cologne!

I write my name on the bottle
for a reason, dimwit.

What, you can't read
or something?

DUNCAN:
Hey, you know I can read.

I just told you I started
Percy Jackson.

PAUL: You and Percy
both got a lot in common,

'cause you're both thieves.

� Hey, dude, spoiler alert!

Don't you get it?

I just wanted
to smell like you.

I love the way that you smell.

PAUL: You do?
DUNCAN: Yeah.

I love everything about you.

[intimate music]

[both gasp]
MAYA: Oh, nice.

DUFFY:
I did not see that coming.

God, this show is so great.

GARRETT: You're the smartest
girl in here, Zar.

You did really great solving
that sexy snow puzzle today.

ZARA: I cheated.
[laughs]

I bribed the producer
to tell me

which ice chest
had the thong in it.

� Wow.

Wow, I never would've
thought to do that.

� I just really,
really wanted to win.

� Why?

Do you just, like,
really like puzzles?

� No, because the prize
was this date with you.

GARRETT: Oh.
ZARA: [giggles]

♪ ♪

� [scoffs]
[TV beeps]

QUEEN:
Zara's found love.

Good for her.

[upbeat pop music]

[bells jingle]

� ♪ Ooh�ooh�ooh ♪

♪ Ooh�ooh�ooh ♪

� Oh, that spells "breath,"
honey, which is gross.

You need an E on the end
for "breathe,"

which is merely trite.

� Do you think I like selling
decorative letters, Tony 2?

I know they're basic,

but they also pay
our R�E�N�T.

� Point.

[bells jingle]

AINSLEY: Oh, hi!
[gasps]

Isn't today Giles' first day
at Peath?

� I just dropped him off.
AINSLEY: Well, how'd it go?

� Oh, what you'd
expect, really��

crying, screaming,
running off to hide in a tree.

Giles was even worse.
� It'll get easier.

For both of you.
� I hope so.

And to be honest, I could use
a little peace and quiet.

I'm so sick of Giles
making us watch

these dreadful films
made of drawings.

� Cartoons?

� Mm, that's the one.

ZARA:
When our lips first touched,

it was like
lightning striking.

GARRETT: Yeah, or that
lightning that makes a sound.

ZARA: Thunder, babe.
GARRETT: Yes.

Thunder, yeah.
Like Thunder from Down Under.

You know, I was in that.
� Mm. [chuckles]

Were you?
GARRETT: Yeah.

[chuckles]
Do you know what?

Like, the first time
I kissed Zara, right?

I felt nearly as good
as when I first lifted 150 kg.

[TV beeps]

[revelatory music]

♪ ♪

� Oh, my God.

Zara's sending me signals!

� What?
CRAIG: On the show!

Zara kissed Garrett,
and I was like,

"Well, that's it.
It's over."

But then she scratched
her forehead.

� Wait, Zara kissed Garrett?

� Are you not watching?
DUFFY: No, it's DVR'd.

Maya's coming over later
to watch,

so, actually, if you could not
give any more spoilers, Craig��

CRAIG:
Duffy, shut up.

When Zara and I were dating,
we had a signal at parties

for when we needed
to be rescued

from talking to someone lame.

We scratched our foreheads.

DUFFY: Okay.

� So what I'm telling you is
that after she kissed that guy,

she scratched her forehead!

She's trying
to communicate with me, man.

She wants me back, baby.

DUFFY: Or maybe she just has
an itchy forehead.

� No way, man.

� Listen, Zara used to scratch
her forehead all the time.

Like, every single time
she talked to me.

Wait.

� What do I do?
DUFFY: Nothing.

Craig, look, next week
we'll all watch together,

and if we agree that the person
on the TV is talking to you,

then we will figure
something out.

� Okay.

Okay, yeah, t�that makes sense.

[sighs]
Thanks, man.

� Yeah, of course, pal.

Bye.

[mellow music]

� [sighs]

♪ ♪

Oh...

[bell tolls]

� [groans softly]
Hey.

What are you smiling about?

DUFFY: I was just thinking
to myself,

"If I could go back in time
and tell 19�year�old Duffy

"that one day I'd be
lying in bed next to you,

I would not believe it."

� That's what you would do
if you could go back in time?

You wouldn't, like, kill Hitler

or tell John Travolta how
to pronounce Idina Menzel?

[both laugh]
� No, no.

I would just have
a chat with myself.

Okay, I'm gonna go
to the dining hall

and get us some breakfast.

� Yes.

� Western omelet
with tater tots on the side?

� You know me so well.

� Like, too well?

You know, like you feel
you're dating your brother?

'Cause I could try
to know you not so well.

� Usually at this point
in a relationship,

I'm still waking up early,
brushing my teeth,

and then sneaking back
into bed.

� Right.
[laughs]

� Did you do that?
� No.

Oh, no, my breath is��stinks.
� You're a liar.

� No, no.
� Breathe on me.

� No, it's disgusting.
No, Maya.

[holds breath]

� I can smell the mint
from here.

[both laugh]

� I just don't want
to mess this up.

� There's nothing to mess up.

[sweet instrumental music]

♪ ♪

� All right,
I got to get those tots

before Bernard does.

MAYA: Okay.

[door opens, closes]

♪ ♪

[upbeat pop music]

[thunder rumbles]

♪ ♪

[bells jingle]

♪ ♪

� Good morning!
� Ugh, hi.

Um, I have to leave early.

I'm hosting
a Love Chalet party.

� Oh, okay, fine.

I am going to my own
Love Chalet party at Craig's,

so don't feel bad
about not inviting me to yours.

� I would never...

invite you or feel bad.

� [scoffs]
[bells jingle]

[customer sighs]

[door closes]

Ugh.
� Oh, hi.

� Hello.
� May we help you?

� Yes.
My name is Harper Dylan.

I'm going through a divorce,

and I need to decorate my home
to within an inch of its life.

� Oh.
� Hi, I'm Ainsley Howard.

It's so lovely to meet you.
This is Tony 2.

� I'm so sorry
to hear about your divorce.

� I'm certainly not.
� [chuckles]

So, um...

what can we do for you?

� I am getting
the six�bedroom town house

and everything in it
in the divorce.

Your job is to pack it
as full of stuff as you can

before the settlement is final

and before my joint account
goes poof.

� [exhales sharply, chuckles]
� [chuckles]

So, um, how would you
describe your design aesthetic?

� Expensive and spiteful.

TONY 2: Oh, my God,
I am living for you.

I was about to quit this job

before you walked through
that door.

� [laughs]

� I was hoping after 13 years

that my ex and I might be able
to part with some dignity,

but then he set
all my shoes on fire.

[both gasp]
HARPER: So the gloves are off.

He also set
all my gloves on fire.

� ♪ You've got me shook, boy ♪

� I hope you don't judge me.

� Oh, no,
I would never judge you.

I was recently left
at the altar,

so, hmm, I get it.

� I have a feeling
you and I are going to be
very good friends.

� Mm.

CRAIG: Thanks.

[cell phone chimes]

[exhales sharply]
I got to run.

I got people coming over
to my house soon.

What are you up to tonight?
� Nothing.

Fatima canceled our date

because her nani has to watch
Britain's Got Talent.

She's in love with the guy
who plays piano with his feet.

� [laughs]
You know what?

I'm having people over
to my house tonight

to watch Love Chalet.

Why don't you come?
� Yeah, right.

What about Ainsley?
� No, she bailed.

It'll be just you, Maya,
Duffy, and my kale salad,

just in case Duffy orders
from that Thai food place
that I hate.

� Maya will be there?
And Duffy, too?

Yeah, I'll try and make it.
CRAIG: Awesome.

Hey, and do you mind
bringing napkins,

ice, paper plates,
plastic forks,

and two microwavable�safe
serving bowls?

What?

I'm not good
at throwing parties.

Zara used to do it.

♪ ♪

I'm still wrapping my head
around this.

� I know, I know.
It's crazy, right?

� It's amazing.
� [chuckles]

� Now we've both seen
Duffy naked.

[both laugh]

So how's it going?

� Uh, it's good.

I mean, it's weird 'cause
we've known each other forever,

so we've kind of skipped

the, like, awkward,
nervous, excited part.

But it's good.

� As long as you got
that spark,

nothing else matters,
you know what I mean?

Like, that feeling that maybe
if you were separated

by time or space
or a reality show,

you'd still be destined
to be together.

TV HOST: Hello,
and welcome to Love Chalet.
CRAIG: Oh, shit, it's starting.

Duffy!
� Yep.

CRAIG: Move your ass!
TV HOST:
This scene is so hot...

it's gonna melt mountains.
CRAIG: [exhales deeply]

[funky pop music playing
on TV]

♪ ♪

CONTESTANT:
I like your bag, Zara.

ZARA: Oh, thanks.
I got it on TheRealReal.

CONTESTANT:
What you keep in there?
All your secrets and lies?

� Oh.

ZARA: You don't have to be
so mean.

You're not here
for the right reasons.

[sighs]

CRAIG: Yes!

See? Look!
That's it!

She gets into an argument and
instantly scratches her head!

That's her saying,
"Craig, please come get me."

� Look, dude,
you obviously really miss her��

� No!

I know you think I'm crazy,
but I'm not, okay?

This is magic couple ESP.

It's like our hearts
are two Bluetooth devices

paired together.

DUFFY:
Yeah, yeah... [mumbles]

[TV beeps]
� [sighs]

♪ ♪

GARRETT:
Hey, what's up, Zar?

ZARA: Catriona is being
unnecessarily confrontational.

GARRETT:
Hey, listen, don't cry, love.

She's just mad
because Ronnie took Nigella

on his one�on�one
s'mores date, all right?

Come here.
� All right, now, here we go.

Scratch time.
[laughs]

[saucy pop music playing
on TV]

[smooching on TV]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

Anytime now, Zar.
Just scratch your head.

Come on, now, girl.

ZARA: Oh, Garrett,
you're amazing.

� Is dry�humping a hot dude
one of your signals?

[door opens]
KASH: Hey, Craig.

BASHEER: Special delivery��
two studs.

And we bought you
eco�friendly paper products.

Ba�ba�ba�bam�bam.
For you, brother.

KASH: Hey, Maya.
Everyone.

Um, Craig invited me.
Hope that's okay.

I brought my mate, Basheer.

� My name's Basheer,
AKA DJ Foreplay.

Or if you're in
the mobile phone business,

people call me the 4G OG.

Trademark pending,
so don't use that, yeah?

� I'm Duffy.
This is my girlfriend, Maya.

� It's nice to meet you.

� That's��
that's your girlfriend?

� Yes.

� The lady sitting next to you
is your girlfriend?

DUFFY: Yes.
� Congratulations, big man.

Gives me hope.
I'm gonna get it started, yeah?

[melancholy music]

� [groans]

[TV beeps]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[cup clinks]

♪ ♪

[bottle clinks]

� [sighs]

♪ ♪

� [clears throat]
It's good to see you.

� Yeah, you too.

� Maya?
� Yeah?

� Forgot your drinks.

� Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I just��I just
decided I wasn't thirsty.

You can take them if you want.
KASH: Thanks. I'm good.

� Oh, no, sorry, isn't alcohol,
uh, haram, right?

Is that it?
� Uh, yeah, it is.

But, no, I drink.
Just not tonight.

We've got a long drive
back to Hounslow.

� Oh, uh, you're still living
with your dad?

� Uh, yeah.

Still at home.

But not in, like,
a sad man�child way.

� [chuckles]
� My dad's not been well.

Which is still sad,
but in a more traditional way.

� Oh, God, Kash,
I'm so sorry.

Is everything okay?
� Uh, yeah.

He just can't be
a 68�year�old diabetic

with a cake�based diet.

� I don't know, you kind of
just described half of America,

and we're number one.

DUFFY: Maya,
yo quiero mi margarita.

� Oh, sorry.
Yeah, it's here.

KASH: Hey, dude.
� Hey, Kash.

� Here.
� Oh, thank you.

[groans]

Oh, God, that is, like,
all tequila.

� Oh.

� Someone's trying
to get me drunk.

[rolls tongue]
[Maya chuckles awkwardly]

♪ ♪

CRAIG: Ooh. Oh.

MAYA: What did I miss?
CRAIG: We missed you.

♪ ♪

GARRETT: So tell me
about your last relationship.

ZARA:
Craig was so secretive.

It was like dating a stranger.

So, after we broke up,
I figured I might as well date

an actual stranger.

That's what brought me here.
GARRETT: Yeah.

I'm here to promote my line
of protein powder,

but I just never expected
to add mass...

to my heart.

ZARA: Aw.

[all groan]
KASH: What?

GARRETT: So, Zara, I know
Fantasy Suites are coming up,

and I just want you to know

that my fantasy
is to be with you.

♪ ♪

� Did you write that wordplay?

� No, someone said it
last season.

[both laugh]

♪ ♪

[smooching on TV]

� What are "Fantasy Suites"?

BASHEER:
Listen, you're not gonna want
to watch that, brother.

The couples share
a luxury hotel room��

bubble baths, silken robes,

a little bit of sex
as well probably.

[door opens]
AINSLEY: Hey!

Sorry I'm late,
but mama just sold
£300,000 worth of furniture

[gasps]
Oh.

� Hey, Ains.

AINSLEY:
Craig, what is he doing here?

KASH: This was a mistake. I should go.
� No, no, sit down. It's fine.

AINSLEY:
"It's fine"?

Kash is my friend.

What he did to you was awful,

but I�I can't just cut him
out of my life.

Everyone uses Facebook,

and they do all kinds
of horrible shit to us.

� Wow.

� He didn't tell us that
he was gonna be here, either.

[Kash clears throat]

� Kash you have known
for a couple of years.

I have been one of your
best friends since college.

I��

Do��

I mean, this is��
this is, like, a��

This is a total betrayal.
� Cut me some slack, please.

My girlfriend
is about to screw a guy
on national television.

� On a bed of rose petals,
if history is any indication.

� Oh, okay,
so I'm the asshole here.

Yeah.
� No.

AINSLEY: I get it, yeah.
� Ainsley��

� I get it. No.

Maya, please, come on.
CRAIG: Ainsley.

AINSLEY: Let's go.

DUFFY: Bye, guys.

Sorry, Craig.

[somber music]

[door closes]

♪ ♪

� Hey, Craig.

Do you mind if we stay?

Because I'd really like
to watch the conclusion
of this episode.

Thanks, mate.

[TV beeps]

[sultry music playing on TV]

GARRETT: All right.
ZARA: That's a big one.

GARRETT: Open wide.
[both laugh]

ZARA: Mmm, mmm.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[bells jingle]

� Oh, my God, Love Chalet.

What did Craig think?
I hope he isn't devastated.

� I don't want
to talk about Craig.

[door opens, bells jingle]
BRYCE: Are you Ainsley Howard?

� Yeah, dude.
Who are you?

� I'm Harper Dylan's
ex�husband,

and I ain't paying for any
of that shit she just bought.

� Excuse me?

� She wrote you a check
for £300,000.

You cash it,

and you're an accomplice
in a financial crime.

� Wait, what?

� My lawyer will be available
to answer any questions.

� Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

I will cash
whatever damn check I please.

Men like you think
they can screw over women

and just get away with it.

� "Men like me."
Hmm, what do you mean?

� Harper told me all about you.

You're the psychopath
who burned all of her shoes.

� Yeah, because she slept
with my brother.

Don't suppose
she told you that part?

� No, she said that, I think.

� And afterwards, I was, yeah,
really mad.

Everybody said, "Don't overreact.
Work on your marriage."

And then I tripped

on one of those little
red�bottomed pieces of shit,

and I realized I was mad.

I was allowed to be mad,
and the only thing

that was gonna help me
feel better

was to burn those shoes
into a plastic�y sludge.

� But it didn't make you
feel any better.

� Like hell.
Made me feel great.

That is, right up
until yesterday,

when I got a high�activity
alert from my bank.

� Well, I'm sorry.

That is... awful.

But this is business.

� That woman took a lot
from me.

Please, don't cash that check.

[serious music]

[bells jingle]

� [sighs]
[door closes]

♪ ♪

[bell ringing]
DUFFY: Come on, now, gents.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

� Mummy, there's a sleepover
at school Saturday,

and Sebastian's doing it,
so I want to do it.

� Sorry, wait.
Who's Sebastian?

� He's my mate.

Well, he was my enemy at first,

but then a handball hit him
in the head,

and I walked him to the nurse,
and now he's my mate.

So, can I go?
� A sleepover?

GILES: Mm�hmm.
� I don't know.

� Gemma, hi.

Giles telling you
about this weekend?

� Yes, I'm just hearing
about it now.

� Spoiler alert��it's a no.

� Uh�oh. Are you sure?
The boys love it.

They sleep on the field.
We have a giant telescope.

And Peath is Anglican,
not Catholic,

you know,
if you're worried about...

you know.

� Well, I wasn't,
but thank you.

[sighs]

Well, all right.

But you're sure
you'll be okay without me?

GILES: She said yes!
BOYS: Yeah!

� So how are you?

� Oh, quite well.

As long as Giles is good,
I'm good.

And Lord knows I could use
a weekend to myself.

[inaudible conversation]

TV HOST:
Hello, and welcome
to Love Chalet.

Last week, Zara poured
her heart out to Garrett

about her secretive,
untrustworthy ex�boyfriend, Craig.

� You forgot
"backstabbing asshole."

� Is, uh, anyone watching
with Craig?

� I don't know.
We haven't spoken
in a couple days.

� He's probably watching
with his best friend, Kash.

TV HOST:
But will Zara pick Garrett

to join her
in the Fantasy Suite?

Or will it be
this week's newcomer, Liam?

I really don't envy you
on this one,

because, Zara, it's gonna get
a whole lot tougher.

ZARA: What?

[door opens]
CRAIG: Zara!

ZARA: Craig, what are you
doing here?

[both gasp]
� Oh, no.

MAYA: Oh, my God,
it's Craig in a Speedo!

� Oh, sh��

TV HOST:
Following a heartfelt appeal,

the producers have allowed
Zara's ex, Craig,

one last chance
to plead his case.

� Oh, no.
Come on, Craig.

� Zara, you said that I was
too private and secretive,

and you were right.

So here I am,
in front of the entire world,

I'm gonna tell you
all my secrets.

AINSLEY: No.
� Oh, no.

� No, no, no.
DUFFY: Oh, no.

� Craig, that's not necessary.
� No, it is the only way.

[Ainsley laughing]

[stirring string music]

I'm not 5'10".

I'm 5'8".

� Oh.
� He looks it.

� I get silicone
butt injections.

� What?

CRAIG: I sell
Magic: The Gathering cards

online under the pseudonym

"CraigtheFlyWizard...

♪ ♪

69."

DUFFY: Idiot.
AINSLEY: [laughing]

MAYA: Wow.
AINSLEY: That's so dorky!

� But my biggest secret...

is that I knew
from the first moment

that I saw you...

I was in love.

♪ ♪

[Zara gasps]

[all gasp]

♪ ♪

Will you marry me?

BASHEER: Oh!
� [gasps]

♪ ♪

� No.

My answer's no.

I can't marry you, Craig.

[dramatic music]

� [scoffs]

� No.

[mellow acoustic guitar]

DUFFY: Craig?
[knocking at door]

Open up, pal.
I'm worried about you.

CRAIG:
Go away, Duffy. I'm fine.

� Okay, yeah.

Well, I intercepted
your pizza guy

on the way up here,
so if you don't let me in,

I guess I'm just gonna
eat your whole...

gluten�free pizza
with no cheese.

Jesus Christ.

CRAIG: [groans]

Fine.

� You look great.

� I don't know
what I'm gonna do without her.

� Look, dude, I'm not gonna let
you sit here and wallow, okay?

Tonight we are going out
and getting crazy.

� "Out" like when you take me

to TGI Fridays
for the 2�for�20 deals

or "out" like the club?

� Out like the club.

[indistinct chatter]

� [clears throat]

[both speaking Urdu]

� [laughs]

FATIMA:
Hey, uh, you need a hand?

Nani's getting angry.
[both laugh]

� I have a surprise for you.
� Oh!

� [gasps]
Um...

� You said you'd never had
a cannoli.

� Yeah, I've only ever seen it
in the, um��in The Godfather.

� Go on, then.
� Oh, Kash, um, thank you.

Um, okay.

Mmm.
� Mmm?

� You know what?
It's not that good.

� What? Really?

� But I love that you brought
it for me.

� Oh.

� [chuckles] Sorry.
� Oh, um...

� Well...
� [laughs]

� You, um��you've got
a bit of...

� [laughs]
Oh, no.

Um, did I get it?

� Yeah, no.
C�come here.

[both laugh]

[sweet music]

[cell phone chimes]

[both clear throat]

Hey, my friends are going
to a club tonight.

Would you want to go?

� Oh, just, um, you and me
without our chaperones?

� Yeah, like a real date.

� Yeah.
[both laugh]

Um, uh, listen, this is��

this is obviously
a really frustration situation.

I'm not proud
of the dreams I've been having.

[both chuckle]

But��but we both agreed
to doing it this way.

� Yeah, no, no, I just��
I wasn't thinking.

� Oh, but, um��but you
and Bash should go.

� No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll go another time.

� Honestly, it's fine.
Have fun.

[Urdu accent] Just don't do
anything too Western.

Okay?
It upsets me.

� Right, let's see
if your nani likes my cannolis.

� [normal voice] She won't.
[both laugh]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

� [sighs]

Well...

this is nice.

♪ ♪

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

[cell phone vibrates]

Oh, thank God.

[sighs]

LIZZO:
♪ Mirror, mirror, on the wall ♪

♪ Don't say it,
'cause I know I'm cute ♪

� Oh, there's Craig.
MAYA: Oh, great.

� Oh, shit.

There's Kash.

Ainsley's gonna flip the F out.

Maybe we should just go.

� Well, tonight's about Craig,
and we're already here.

� Yeah, you're right.
It's about Craig.

� Yeah.

LIZZO:
♪ I was born like this ♪

� Hey, guys.
� Hey, Maya.

Hey, Duffy.
� Kash.

♪ ♪

� Listen,
you look bomb tonight,
you know what I'm saying?

You're gonna
clean up, you know?

� Oh.
� I still date her.

� Oh, yeah, right.
Of course you do, yeah.

DUFFY: I do.
� Uh, I'm gonna get a drink.

Does anybody need anything?
� No need.

Bottle service, baby.
VIP, my friends.

None for me, of course.

I'm on this
sparkling apple juice.

Ba�ba�ba�bam�bam�bam.
For y'all.

� Yeah, do I��are we gonna
split this five ways, though?

'Cause I'm probably only
gonna get one drink, so��

� Don't sweat it, mate.
We're putting this
on the corporate card.

Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.

� Yeah, thank you.

Let me know
if I should pitch in.

I'll go find an ATM if it's
affiliated with my bank.

� There's no need.
� Should we dance?

� Yeah.
� We should dance.

LIZZO: ♪ Look, baby,
I'm the whole damn meal ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪
� So, no Ainsley?

� No.

LIZZO: ♪ The juice ain't worth
the squeeze ♪

DUFFY: Hey!
MAYA: Oh, hey, Gemma!

What are you doing here?

� Well, I'm not just
Ainsley's friend, you know.

I'm an essential part
of this friendship group.

� Oh, yeah.
DUFFY: Yeah.

� He isn't, though.
What's he doing here?

DUFFY: Craig invited him.
It's really annoying.

I swear, if he wasn't paying
for all of the drinks,

I would tell him to get lost.

� We were just gonna dance.
Do you want to��

� Oh, no, I'm fine.

I'll just take a seat.
DUFFY: No, no, no, no, no.

No, Gemma.
Come on.

LIZZO:
♪ I'm out here getting loose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Ya�ya�ee ♪
SINGER: ♪ Ya�ya�ee ♪

ALL: ♪ Ya�ya�ee,
ya�ya�ee, ya�ya�ee ♪

LIZZO: ♪ Blame it on my juice,
blame it, blame it ♪

� That's not a cocktail.
This is a cocktail.

� So then Fatima's nani
realized she's on a bus

to Karachi, not Lahore,

and that's how
she met her husband.

Nice, isn't it?
You're a lucky guy, you know.

Fatima's nani's a nut, brother.
� Sorry, who's Fatima?

� Uh, she's a friend of ours
from the mosque.

[peppy pop music playing
over speakers]

♪ ♪

SINGER:
♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ Baby, it is more than love ♪

♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ Baby, it is more than love ♪

♪ Our love ♪

♪ It's something ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

� What you did on Love Chalet

was one of the most romantic
things I have ever seen.

I just looked at my boyfriend,
and I was like, "You're shit."

[all laughing]

� Man, well, it's better
to sort all that out

on national telly.

I never would have turned down
your proposal.

� Well, if she hadn't,
I wouldn't be here, would I?

[all laughing]

� Hi, there. The name's
Basheer, aka DJ Foreplay.

Are you ladies happy
with your cell phone plans?

� Um, yeah,
I think we're all right.

� [chuckles]

♪ ♪

SINGER:
♪ You can be cool ♪

♪ Cool like me ♪

♪ Mm�hmm, yeah ♪

♪ You can be cool ♪

PATRON:
Hello, hello.

We couldn't help noticing
youse girls dancing
all on your own.

� We're not. My boyfriend's
getting us drinks.

PATRON 2:
Oh, your boyfriend, eh?

Well, then we'll keep you warm
till he gets back.

GEMMA: We're leaving now.
MAYA: We're good, thank you.

PATRON:
Hey, just once dance, then.

MAYA: Hey! Hey!
� I'm a nice guy, I promise.

DUFFY:
Hey, what's going on?

PATRON 2:
Oh, the boyfriend returns.

Oh, good choice.
He's so cute.

� Hey, hey!
� Don't touch him!

� Hey, that's assault
in any court in the land, pal!

� Yeah? And what's the waitress
gonna do about it?

� Well, first,
I'll put down these drinks.

� Oy, dickhead,
they're not interested.

Take the hint
and get out of here.

� And take your tiny
little knob with you as well.

� Oh. Uh�oh, uh�oh.

We seem to have upset
the terrorists.

[both laughing]

♪ ♪

[overlapping shouting]

GUARD: Move, move, move!
Hey, hey, hey!

GEMMA: Are you all right?

� Yeah, the bouncer really did
a number on my shoulder.

when he pushed me
for no reason!

� What's that, then?
� Well, what did you say?

MAYA: Here.

Put this there.
� [grunts]

� [clears throat]
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[engine revving]

� Well, help him in, man!
CRAIG: Oh.

� Craig.
� Okay, yeah.

Come on, take your time.
Take your time.

Watch your step.
Watch your step.

BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif?
KASH: Yeah, I'm good.

BASHEER: Are you okay, Kashif?
KASH: I'm good, let's go.

DUFFY: Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, wait, wait!
I'm still here!

[tires squealing]

� Do you want to share a cab?

� Yeah, sure.

� Hey, I could really use
some company tonight.

CRAIG: [chuckles]
Well, um...

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

Um...

why don't you take this one
and I'll, uh��

I'm gonna take the next one.
� But why?

� Uh...

I got something
I got to...do.

♪ ♪

� Well, it all got a big dodgy
there toward the end,

but all in all, I needed that.

Thank you, Duffy.

� What?

� Thank you...

for inviting me out.

I was alone at home
missing Quentin

and feeling, well, alone...

And this helped.

� No problem.

I'm glad you came.

� You do know you can do better
than Maya, don't you?

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

� You know, if you hadn't
gotten to that guy first,

I would have
kicked his racist ass.

� Oh, really?
� Yeah.

� Where'd you learn
to fight��prison?

� Worse. High school.

I worked in
an Oakland McDonald's.

Hey, two packets of ketchup
per customer.

� Oh, okay.
� Yeah.

♪ ♪

� I still think
about when we first met.

♪ ♪

BASHEER: Yo, I done finally
found parking.

Bloody hell.

These hospital car parks
are a bloody rip�off, eh?

It's not right, bro.

My brother has
just been through

a racially motivated dust�up.

Should be some kind
of discounted rate
for that trauma.

� Right, yeah.

� In fact, who is in charge
of the parking around here?

Big man, is it you?

Taking the piss, isn't it?

[sighs]

♪ ♪

� Don't you love these?
So full of whimsy.

And you can spell anything.

� I know,
isn't the alphabet amazing?

� Mm.

[peppy pop music playing
over speakers]

[door opens, bells jingle]

AINSLEY:
Oh, what?

I didn't cash
your check, homey.

You want me to go find it
in the trash?

I can, because I can
no longer pay

my cleaning service
to empty it.

� No, I came to say thank you.

♪ ♪

� Oh.

� And if you're��
if you're available,

I'd like to hire you.

I don't have a town house,

just a two�bedroom
bachelor pad.

And I'm hard to work with.

� Yes, yes, we'll do it.
No questions asked.

We desperately need the money.

� Fine.

We can come over tonight
to give you an estimate.

It will be very high.
� Done.

But it can't be tonight.

I'm watching
the Love Chalet finale.

TONY 2:
Mm�hmm.

♪ ♪

Mm�hmm.

� [chuckles]
Sure.

TV HOST: Hello, and welcome
to the Love Chalet finale.

GARRETT: Zara...

meeting you has been
the best thing

that's ever happened to me.
[Zara chuckles]

GARRETT: And when that
motorcycle crash

ended my exotic�dancing career
I just thought, like...

"What is the point?"
You know?

♪ ♪

But now I know.

The point is you.
[both chuckle]

Zara...

will you do me the honor
of being my wife?

� [gasps, laughs]

[knocking at door]

CRAIG:
Damn it, Duffy.

Duffy?

[grunts]

� Hi, Craig.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat jazzy music]

[women vocalizing]

♪ ♪

SINGER:
♪ What makes up the man ♪

♪ I choose to love? ♪

♪ Time to understand ♪

♪ This man I love ♪

♪ What secrets
does he keep from me? ♪

♪ Too many times he's sorry ♪

♪ Still I choose to love him ♪

♪ I choose to love him ♪

♪ Something in my heart ♪

♪ Keeps sending me crying ♪

♪ ♪

MAN:
Go to bed.