Original subtitles

"The Good Thief" by Pasquale Festa Campanile

I can say that I spent all my life walking.

Naturally, when you travel in a carriage with servants, you are a traveller.

But when you go on foot like me, you are a bum ...

Nobody trusts you.

You are like a pumpkin a field of cabbage!

I was on the road since the day I entered mother's room at a bad time.

I wasn't even ten years old.

Now it's full ...

And now it's empty. This is empty and that is full.

Look!

Now, me, ... the great magician Kaldeo

I'll turn water into wine ... !

It is enough to say the magic words ...

Abracadabra .....

Come wine ... and the water goes...

Thus miracle occurs ... !

Water is turned into wine!

What wonder .... !

These are the famous fart silencers.

Take one in the evening and one at night and they smell will go away.

And rather than a "Prriin" noise...

you get smooth sounds ...

almost musical ....

The uncomfortable sounds you sometimes release in public will vanish.

Husbands won't disturb wives with nasty smells...

and will not be accused of vulgarity.

That way, people become more pleasant, and peace in the family.

All for only two shekels !

Who wants to buy silencers... ?

Things always can go wrong ... A blade of wind raised my clothes.

They've seen the pumps I use to fill the wine...

Goodbye, miracles ... ! They took all the money away.

For a while, it would be better to change the show.

Help me! The Lord will return in tenfold !

Give to the poor ... !

A man with three hands! It is a rare phenomenon ... !

- He stole my purse ... ! - Get him ... !

Why not? Who keeps track of the guests at a wedding?

I feel the smell of three kinds of pie, roast lamb ...

- ...fig pie ... - Got a good nose, buddy!

- Are you a member of the house? - Yes, the groom is my brother ...

- ...the youngest! - And how come I don't know you?

- I am the uncle of the groom. - You understand "groom"?

I said "bride"! Brother of the bride!

- Then I should know you! - Why, are you the bride?

- I am also her brother! - Excuse me... too many relatives.

Today is holiday, we do not want to sin. Sit down at the poor's table!

Me, to sit with the poor? Well ... !

At least we can watch! You know what Baracuc says?

If your teeth don't have anything to eat, at least feast your eyes!

I'm sure they will bring something to eat!

This is for you!

- What happened? - There are more guests than I thought.

- There's no more wine! - Oh, well!

They fear spending and get married!

It is good food?

Sorry?

- What did they say? - I do not understand anything!

The groom's friend, that Jesus said to come to the reservoir.

True, if the wine has ended, you can stil drink water.

- There's plenty of wine! - It's true!

- These people are nuts! - The tank is filled with wine!

Come on, pour! Fill it!

- Are you dreaming? - Get out of here!

One moment, I want to know how and I ...

Usually the best wine is served at noon.

But we hold it out until now!

Listen to me a little! Now after a successful trick...

I you tell me where does this wine come from?

How should we know? Jesus said to go to the reservoir ...

- When I came it was full of water ... - I know, but now is full of wine.

- It's a miracle! - A miracle! What miracle?

I am a professional. How much did Jesus pay you to help him?

Nothing. Now go!

I know how to do tricks like that, too.

- I know a trick like that! - Go faster!

Take your things and go!

Miserable fanatic!

Miracle ... !

Crazy religious fanatics!

- Who is this Jesus? - What?

I invented that trick, transforming water into wine.

Do you know him?

Jesus does not work with a hidden canteen under your clothes.

He works with large amounts! I never seen anyone succeed like this.

And he did it almost in hiding...

He missed the point... which is to stupefy people.

I no longer understand anything!

Hello ... !

- Peace be with you! - It was with me before!

- Who are you? - My name is ... Ca... Caleb

Listen, Cacaleb!

No, only one Ca, then leb!

Caleb!

Do you know that the show is not free? Pay up or hand me a robe.

You want a robe? I'll get it!

Found it!

What's your name?

My name is Deborah! You already watched me for five shekels .

You know you're not that bad, Deborah?

You're also touchin me for 5 shekels and that makes 10!

Can you pay me?

Of course, don't worry!

Kissing makes it 15 shekels !

Let me know when I get to fifty!

Let's see, the double bottom is here ...

The hinge is here and there is the safety.

So when I open it, the little water on top mixes with the wine below and the trick is done.

You always talk to yourself?

Yes, the prophet Baracuc says who talks to himself is always right.

That's the trick Jesus used to turn water into wine.

I understood everything, Deborah. I'm a genius.

You're not a genius. What you saw was a miracle.

What miracle? What do you know? You only talk 'cos you have a mouth.

I know Jesus!

- Can you introduce me? - If you want to... !

My friend Marta has a cousin who is the nephew of his father.

He's a carpenter from Nazareth!

- Jesus healed me! - He's a healer now!

What did you have, a belly ache?

- I had leprosy! - Dropsies ... ! I understand!

What ... LEPROSY?

Go, assassin! You ruined me! Leprosy!

I told you that he cured me!

Stay away, stay away!

Do not get close, you understand?

I know that now is useless, after I held you in my arms...

Come on, asshole! It takes months, years!

What you know you about it ... ? I was healthy, not suffering from anything ...

- You had to do this to me! - I told you I'm healthy! He cured me!

- He healed ... ! - You don't fool me... !

- I'm getting out of here! - Where you going? Come here, you fucker!

What are you doing, running away? You did not pay me!

What will you do with the goat? They want to kill him?

Thay'll send him to die in the desert, after they have laid all the people's sins on him.

The goat will pay for them all!

It is more convenient, right?

Better to sleep here! Tomorrow morning, at dawn ...

take on the goat precipice and drop it there.

It is a shame, a mountain goat like this is worth at least 20 shekels .

Who do you think you will buy a black goat?

You do not know that it bears bad luck?

Be good, tonight you change masters. Are you happy?

We live in a world full of surprises.

What does Baracuc say? The value of a goat is determined by its hair color.

The value of a man, by his clothes!

Who will buy you black? I won't even get a dime.

There we go ... !

- Three shekels ! - Are you joking?

- I said, three shekels ! - You never dreamed of such animal.

Twenty shekels ! Look at it! What a beautiful goat!

- Three shekels, no more! - You think that I stole him?

- Yes! - Well, I do not want to argue with you!

Let's say fifteen shekels, and it is yours!

Five!

You know business! You'll become very rich!

I'm already rich!

Okay, let's say ten shekels!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

- Didn't we say Ten?! - You said ten!

- Lucky that I am in a hurry, otherwise ... ! - What are you in a hurry?

Because .... !

I'm scared the rain might start.

Let's go ... ! We must cross the river!

What does this mean? You turned into a black goat... ?

Miracle ... !

Damnable blackguard!

Goddam you!

Looks good! I'll take it all!

- All of it? - All of it!

- How many are you at the table? - Me, myself and I, along with...

...the undersigned! The four of us!

- Which one of you pays? - I knew I ... !

You trust clothes more than people!

Enough?

Don't bother to cut it in four, I'll eat the goat all by myself.

- Take a seat, you and your friends! - Thanks!

It's you or me!

- It will be bad for us all; stealing the sacred goat...!

- It never happened. - That will only bring misfortune.

- It's true. - They got the one who committed the sin?

- The guards of the temple are looking for him. - I hope he will be caught.

He'll get what'coming to him.

God ... ! Do not say that animal was for you... !

Do not say that ... ! Please ... ! What, that's what you tell me?

Means that you have something with me ... !

Judges have already sentenced him to death.

Once they catch him ... !

Thus, it blocks my digestion, Lord ... !

Here it is! It's him!

You can take your goat back!

No thank you, I just ate!

I want my money back! The soldiers have come for your head!

For thirty years trying everything and to get you something ...

Get him ...

There are two cases in which work is not a shame.

To save your life and to avoid going to jail.

When the guards are after you, work in a place where no one can find you...

Become a poor man, with dirty hands and a dirty ass.

You are a scarecrow in a cornfield.

My only treasure was my freedom.

I am a useless ans lazy servant.

Hey, your Laziness, move! I'm paying you to work!

Why did you stop? Don't waste any more time.

If you don't do the entire field until evening you won't get any food.

That is Batuel! The man that I worked for almost three months.

He is right to be sorry. He pays me to work,

not to lose time sweating, breathing, peeing...

Bu he did two mistakes: he hit me with his cane.

andmademe confess Baracuc never existed.

That I actually took his name from the prophets Baruc and Abacuc...

And his words came from my own mind

But I found a solution to pay him back.

He pays me under the contract a carafe of water, salad and a cherry. ..

At night, I visit his pantry, which allows me to work again the next day.

Sometimes I indulge in a little drinking.

His wine is the greatest.

But afterwards, I always refill the bottle.

Pull your dress down, we are not alone!

It is hot Batuele!

I've told you a hundred times not to pass in front of the house!

Your stench preceeds you for at least 30 feet.

Master! Work produces two things!

Money and stench!

Not my fault if all the money goes to you and all the stench stays with me!

You've got a fast tongue, Caleb! You like long tongue, Caleb! Remember you're talking to, son of Elio...

... Azache his son, who was the son of Ioachim, son of Zebulon, the son of ...

I see that you remember...

Of course, Master! I'm Caleb, the son of... nobody!

Since I can't remember my dead, I always think of yours!

There's only envy in your mouth, Caleb! Admit it, you'd like to be me!

I would like to have just one thing, of everything you have, my lord!

Go into the barn and sleep!

I'm going! Come, on, Zaule!

My wine gets better day by day, and in spite of my anger.

My life is blessed. God!

You can have only one thing that belongs to my husband...

- I want to make you a gift. - Thanks, lady!

To help the poor is a duty.

It's in the law.

Damn, you're also spiritual!

I think you husband despises me a lot.

Where did you hide it, thief?

- I told you, my lord, I didn't take it. - Ho�ule!

Please don't insist, you might even insult me.

He is right, enough! I told you! I lost it!

I do not think that he took it.

I think you have it hidden somewhere!

But it will serve you no purpose, for they will stay here!

- And you are leaving. - But you'll pay me!

Pay him!

Here you go ... ! The gentleman is served!

Get the win! Can't you see the bottles are empty?

Wait, you must bring flour too. Take that box and put flour in it!

Move faster, I can't do everything myself!

Do you mind if I stay a moment with you?

I am curious to see how you will succeed to eat it alone.

I'll do it... !

I just want a little rest. Have you seen my wife?

- Faster, you're wasting time ... - She talks too much.

I know!

You won't believe if I tell you she was mute up until a month ago.

- Really? - Yes, from birth.

That Jesus guy stoped here, the one with the miracles.

even if there is no need ... He put his hands on her head ...

He touched her tongue ... and he said: If you believe in me, talk!

- She believed ... ! - Come help me move this ... !

How much did Jesus pay you to tell this story?

What do you mean? He gave me nothing.

- He didn't ask for anything. He works for free. - Sure ... !

I would be willing to pay 500 drachmas to the one who makes her like before.

The Roman soldiers are arriving!

My Mistress will be here shortly.

She will need to rest in the house. Prepare her a room!

- It's a great honor for us! - We're dying of hunger.

Bring us something to eat!

Let's sit at that table.

That Jew is eating alone. Maybe you should eat with him.

I see that you treat yourself well, buddy! You want to eat it all alone?

I do not know why, but everybody asks me this.

- Please ... make yourself at home! - Thank you!

If you want to grab a snack ... !

Excuse me...

How was he going to eat it all alone?

Look what I do! I provide lunch for Roman soldiers.

- A man wants to speak to you! - What does he want?

- Says he has a complaint! - A complaint, really?

- Let him in! - Let him in, let him in ... !

Honored lady, the soldiers in you escort ate my lunch.

Jewish slave ... !

They misunderstoond I invited them.

Jewish slave ... !

I hope that there is no problem to pay my lunch. Jewish slave ... !

What a cute bird! Diversified and interesting conversation.

- Jewish slave ... ! - You can not do it to shut up, Miss?

Guys like him can cause revolutions

You are funny, Jewish slave ... !

My name is Caleb, lady. But do not tell the parrot!

I'm called Appula. I am the daughter of Tiberius Alarium Marcus.

And I am Caleb, son of nobody.

I hope you don't have anything agains sons with unknown fathers...

we can start a conversation, illustruos Appula.

You can cut the formalities...

and just call me Appula ...

- He stays? - I stay, I stay ... !

What kind of payment you thinking of Caleb?

I ...

By Hercules' balls! This is a pearl ... !

It is very beautiful. You make one every day?

It is written. Pearls of wisdom come out of the righteous man's mouth.

Or maybe a thief's! You stole it, didn't you?

You can tell me. I love thieves! I'm married to one, the best in the area.

- After me ... - Governor Ruffo.

Well then...

- Two! - Have you many other?

- 24! - 24 ... !

Frankly, we hope to recover them through the other exit, illustrious lady, but ....

I have not eaten for two days and you know ...

Approach, Caleb! You know what I like?

- A thief's smell turns me on! - Really?

- Roman slut... ! - He always tells the truth!

- Kiss me, Caleb! - With pleasure, lady!

Take care not to swallow other pearls!

Another one.... !

They are very beautiful!

- Worth at least 50 drachmas. - I'll give them to you!

Caleb, no, there is no need to make me presents.

I know, but at least once in life want to do the giving!

Okay, I will accept. But only because you have stolen them.

I told you that I have a weakness for thieves. And not only for them ...

Even for stolen things. I get a strange feeling

If you want to make me happy, make them roll on my back.

A and a, more ... ! Put them all, please ... !

Tell me about Rome!

You dream to go to Rome, too?

It is true that the town has more than 10,000 people?

Ten times more. Even more than that... !

It is true? It is not possible!

- The pearl, Caleb ... ! - Yes, yes!

- A town like that does not exist! - Oh, but it does!

It's like a brothel. Full of movement, of discord, confusion ...

Everybody yells, screams, runs...

Rome is the only city in the world in which can have a career without working.

- It's my town ... ! - With a beautiful body, you can make a fortune in Rome.

Simply go to Baths. Every bigshot is there.

And there are women - and even some men -

who would go nuts for someone like you.

How much should I pay to become a Roman citizen .... ?

Only 20.000 drachmas. Take them to my husband and he'll give you citizenship.

20,000 drachmas? He's a thief!

A great on, I just told you!

- Where can I find money? - Come on, Caleb ....

- You are a thief, right? - Yes, but ... !

You can steal it... !

Soon, the smell of thief became stench and the lady sent me away.

And so I lost the pearls! It is written: The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away!

In a night of love I won then, As in another I lost them.

I'm still hungry ...

Sheep .... ? Line up .... !

I'll catch the last one!

Gotcha! How big it is ... ! Be nice ... !

Stop!

You are a dog ... ?

Accursed impostor ... Get outta here!

You are just a dog. You should go like a sheep... !

Go back to the herd !

It's better to go. I'm so hungry...

...I'll forget you're a dog and I'll eat you like a sheep.

Go ... it's better ... !

A dog ... ! Moron ... !

Go away, I don't want you... !

Look at this ... !

Are you going already? What can I do with a dog like you?

Go ... !

- How much can I get for his skin? - He died of old age?

No, pneumonia, he was still yound. Can't you see his smooth fur?

Poor guy! I cared for him a lot!

Well! Two drachmas for you affection and three for the dog. Total of five drachmas.

You want money, or not? It is good? We concluded the business!

One, two, three, four and five!

Bravo, Joshua! Run!

Thief! Punk ... !

Grab the thief ! Stop him !

I showed you this one! Can't you remember ? And these too !

You've learned the cards, let's start again! Be careful!

One! Wag your tail ... ?

Yes ... ? Bravo ... !

Two ... ! Raise your leg ... ! This one ... !

Bravo! That was two.

Three ... ! What do you do ... ?

The other leg ! Bravo, Joshua! I understood, enough!

Number four ... ! The right ear!

Right. .. bravo ... !

You always win, by God ... !

A little luck and lot of... memory!

Maybe also many tricks... !

- Show them to me, you fuckin' Jew! - They are not marked.

Want you to know why I always win?

My dog sits behind you and show me what cards you have in hand.

Where there's crowd, people don't pay attention to their purses.

Let's go to work, Joshua!

Jesus, Jesus ... !

Jesus ... Jesus ... !

Jesus ... !

- Yeah, let's see Jesus ... ! - Jesus, Jesus ... !

Please be quiet! The Master will come soon!

Jesus ... ! Jesus ... !

Who are they? What do they want?

They want Jesus to heal the poor crippled!

He's getting tired of lepers and mutes...

Soon, he'll start raising people from the dead!

Leper! What do you want? Go! Every time I see you...

Please shut up, have you no respect for anyone?

Who, for that ... ?

He is the Messiah ... !

Yes, the Messiah ... ! In Judea there's a prophet born each day and a Messiah each year.

- Please go away? My skin itches... - Silence!

Yes, yes ... the silence!

Do you believe in God?

- Yes, I believe... ! - You faith saved you!

Get up and walk!

It's a miracle!

- He cured him... ! - Jesus ... !

- He cured him... ! - You are healed!

Jesus... !

Messiah ... ! He's made a carrier fast enough!

- Yes, Caleb ... ! - I used a good trick!

- No, Caleb! - No, Caleb .... !

- It's a miracle ... ! - Yes, Caleb!

Yes, Caleb! No, Caleb ... ! Of .... !

It is faith, understand? Faith is the one that heals people!

He only puts in the force in his eyes.

You saw his eyes? They make you lose control.

And when he looks at you, you feel powerless.

- It's like... - What do you want from me?

Why are you walking after me? Can't you see that I have a dog?

- Yet you owe 50 shekels! - I don't have it! Come another day...

Write me a letter! Go... !

Get up and walk ... ! Get up and walk ..... !

Boy, do you believe in God?

- Yes, I think .... ! - Well ... I'll try it...

How was it... ?

Get up ........ and walk!

You won't get up? Even though I said so!

Get up and walk!

- Look me in the eye! Get up... ! - Yes, sir ... !

Not like this .. !

You told me to get up, how can I without the crotches?

I can show you how to do it! Look! Like this !

- If Jesus would say it, you'd get up! - Help ... !

Do not scream, you'll ruin it ... One moment ... !

Wait a minute! I can explain everything ...

Stop your ... ! Slow down ... !

Stop it .... !

Hey! Deborah is there?

I am talking to you! Can I see her?

Today it is closed. Go away!

Closed? What do you mean?

If you're in the mood, find yourself a goat, a donkey or a horse and do it!

Okay, I understand. But sometimes I also need a woman.

Else I forget how to do it!

- Get lost or I'll break your head in! - Okay, okay ... !

What are you doing, sending away my customers?

And this... ?

- What do you mean? - I had 70 dinars in this bag.

- My money ... ! - You stole it, I saw you... !

I've stolen it, so ... they're mine! Which means I paid you!

- This is your law? - Yes!

If I stole from you, they're my money now.

So ... you still haven't payed me, Caleb!

You know what? I'll take my pay myself ... !

- Let me go ... ! - You'll see ... !

- Stay put... ! - No ... !

Good... !

Get up, silly... ! Let's go!

I want to make love to you!

- You want money? Didn't you like it? - Even if I liked it, it's not free.

Yes, it is not the same ... !

You have the highest sense of profession.

You really are a whore, Deborah!

If you wanted it too, why did you hit me?

That way, I wasn't you who took me by force. I gave you permission.

Caleb ... !

What are you doing here, Caleb?

I study the eyes!

Think about it! Looking someone in the eye and he can do whatever you want.

That is power! Yet it is only Jesus who has it.

What do Jesus' eyes have that mine don't?

Your eyes are beautiful, silly! Only that they're always laughing... !

Even if you're bored.

What are you laughing at, you?

What's the big idea, Caleb? Again ... ?

I paid for the entire night...

It's not over yet, so let's take advantage of it...

Caleb! You do know your debt is growing, right?

- How? I gave you ten pounds in advance. - But you got twenty in nature.

Will you give me a discount?

That way, you will never escape me ...

Please, Deborah, give me ten shekels in nature ...

- No Caleb, please ... ! - Five .... !

- Three ... ! - No, please .... !

One .... !

Did you steal it to eat it or to play with it?

Shut up ... !

I've done it, Deborah!

I hypnotized it ... ! I hypnotized it ... !

In my eyes, I have a power no will can overcome.

I have the power of Jesus! Look!

It's just a chicken, I think you should to try a larger animal.

I'll try! It will be the same thing... !

- Is that big animal good? - Good ... !

Caleb, I was talking about the sheep!

And I was talking about the shepherd!

I'll do it. Watch what happens!

You are a child ... You are cold .... !

It is very cold .... !

Your feet are frozen... now you start to cry...

You call your mother ... Go on, call her!

Oh, heavenly vision! Don't be scared, most beautiful lady!

I don't want to hurt you! Don't be afriad!

Please, do not run! Wait!

Wait, my butterfly! You are a gem from Paradise!

Don't deny my eyes the beautiful vision of your fragility...

Let me touch you! Wait...

What heavenly miracle ... !

Ahaa! Go on, you animals!

Stubborn as mules!

What's going on? What are you looking at?

A moment ago, two ships were about to sink.

There was a big storm on the lake ... !

Peter was in one of the boats and his brother Andrew in the other.

- Who are they? - Disciples of Jesus!

Oh, yeah? And Him?

- I don't know! - Maybe he could turn the lake into wine!

That way one could die happy!!

Jesus came. He saved them! He barely arrived and the storm ended.

- I saw everything. - Look, Caleb, can you see it too?

He's walking on water...

How can he do that ... ?

That man will be the death of me!

What are you looking at?

What do you want from me? Leave, leave me alone!

I'll get you sooner or later!

I will uncover all your tricks.

Except for the eyes ...

Who says floods are a heavenly punishment? It's not true at all!

If the herds wouldn't have drowned, I would never have been able...

...to buy the sheep from that shepherd for a piece of bread. It was a blessing.

- There! I'll go on alone! You wait outside! - Why?

Why? You know very well why!

I'll come too, or they might screw you over!

- They'll screw you too ! - Now you're worried about my virtue?

I don't care about your virtue...

- But I don't want to be forced to fight for you. - You'd fight the Romans for me?

Tell me something! Are you or aren't you my woman?

I'm noone's woman!

Enough! You stay here! It's an order!

Hey, you! I haven't seen you before.

What are you selling?

- The sheep, sir! They're healthy and strong! - And dead .... !

I wanted to save you the trouble.

You'll have to pay only a few extra drachmas.

110 drachmas for each sheep.

Al right ... ?

Too much? Okay, let's say 80 drachmas and it's a deal.

Where are you from, Jew?

I am from Galilee, sir!

You don't happen to be one of those zealots who want us all dead, do you?

You poisoned these animals to kill all of us at the garrison, didn't you?

What are you talking about? They were healthy, until they drowned. I saw them myself.

Shut up, you filthy Jew!

You know what to do with animals when we don't know why they died?

I told you they drowned...

- We bury the dead sheep ... ! - Shut up, he must say it.

You know what ... ?

Dig, dig, Jew .... !

I am from Galilee, sir!

Stop for a moment!

Show us your pecker ... !

It is true that it's naked ?

You mean, circumcised? Yes, it is!

It is true that it's shorter?

No, they cut the newborns. They have only a half-pecker... !

- No, sir! - Show it to us!

I do not think that you are interested. I mean, gentlemen!

Only if you have Greek tendancies...

I mean, if you like men ... !

Take it out... ! Or I'll make you regret it!

Well, if you ask me nicely... !

- Una tantum ... ! - Good ... !

You also speak Latin!

I know only a few words, sir! Never the ones I need.

We have to do you justice, Jew!

You showed us yours, now we'll show you ours!

- No, no .... ! - Am I right ... ?

There's no need to trouble yourself.

I mean it!

Now we'll return you the sheep!

Don't you want to bury me with the sheep, oh, valuable soldiers?

- Go! - Get out of here ... !

- Faster, run away... - Yes, yes...

Come, Joshua!

Run, run .... !

Deborah, Deborah ... !

Deborah ... !

Where is the girl who was here?

- You saw that girl waiting here? - I saw her going in that direction!

Everybody leaves me today! Even you, Joshua!

Things went badly today, my friend!

I'm glad you're a fine observer!

It is a shame to bury the animal. I give you five drachmas for its skin.

If you go faster, your skin will not be worth even one drachma.

You saw that, Joshua?

Well, Joshua, we mush say we lived out time together!

Do you remember how many times you played dead?

But now it's for real ... !

Let's try it again!

No... You got tired of so many tricks... !

And you're right!

Goodbye, Joshua!

I have visited all brothels in the region.

But this one was surely different. Deborah might've hid in a place like this.

No, wait!

I need some information.

But I won't waste your time. Here!

- What do you want to know? - I'm looking for a girl ...

She might work here ... !

- Her name is Deborah. Do you know her? - Yes, of course!

- So she's here! - But it's now het turn. I think she sleeps.

Please do me a favor! Get her here!

Tell him I need to talk to her. It is something urgent.

Okay, wait me here. Who should I say is looking for her?

Tell her I sold all the sheep to the Romans...

... and now, I am rich. She'll understand!

I've bben looking for you for months! I do not know why you left me.

And you end up in a brothel...

You are truly a whore, Deborah, but I love you.

I don't know what to do without you ...

And I'm alone too. Joshua is dead!

Come back to me, Deborah!

- I'll pay you. - Who are you?

My name is Deborah, but I don't believe that we met.

Excuse me, it was a mistake!

Have you heard? He tells us to feed all them all with three fish a two loaves of bread.

You see, non-believer? He's knows what he's talking about. It's enough for everyone.

What are you doing all here?

We're listening to the words of Jesus!

But where is he?

What are you listening from here? You couldn't even hear trumpets from here.

Thanks!

- Is it enough for me too? - Certainly, it is enough for everyone!

The more people come, the more food appears.

- Thank you, you are very generous! - Thank Jesus.

- Why, he bought it? - They all saw it ... !

They are the few fish and two loaves of bread.

Jesus blessed them, and now it's enough for everyone.

You saw that with your own eyes?

No, Jeremiah told me, he was closer.

Yes, Jeremiah .... !

It's not the first time Jesus performed this miracle.

If it is a miracle ...

... the bread could be more fresh and the fish could taste better?

- Nobody has complained so far. - Of course, it's free ... !

Anyway, since tonight dinner is on Jesus, then Jesus be praised!

- Who are you, what do you want? - Do not worry, my friend!

- Who are you? - You seem very poor.

Aren't you?

Since I was born!

If you want to give me money ... The Lord will return it tenfold!

For this I came.

It's yours now!

I can't understand why!

Jesus told me: if you want to get in the kingdom of heaven, give everything to the poor

- And you ... ? - I want to get into the kingdom of heaven .

- Are you crazy? - I've never been saner!

What do you know about it... ?

Have you ever been poor? You do not know anything!

They'll hunt you, they'll mistreat you, they'll persecute you, beat you...

Then you'll repend and send your guards to find me.

Well, if you are afraid ... I'll find someone who can accept the money ... !

No, no ... !

I was just saying...

So you accept ... ?

I'll take that risk!

How many can there be? Fifty, one hundred ... ?

There may be a hundred thousand ....

Maybe even a hundred fifty thousand drachmas ...

I'm rich ....

I don't owe him anything. I did him a favour.

Who knows if he's repented for repenting?

For a while, I'll pretend to still be poor...

I'll stay put for a while, until my conviction expires, and...

...I'll become a "CIVIS Romanus" and to think that I hate Romans ....

I knew it! The rich man repented!

That is yours! I knew it!

What can I do with this shit? I want you!

You are thin, but robust.

Who are you?

I catch slaves for a stone quarry.

I have another question. How much will you get for me?

- At least six pieces of silver! - Six pieces of silver?

Raise the stones in front of you! Do it fast!

Caleb, what are you doing here?

I came to steal gems, illustrious lady! And you ... ?

The quarry belongs to Ruffo, didn't you know?

No ...

What are you doing? Please ... !

Please, not there .... !

Leave me alone... ! Please tell her to stop!

- I can't stand it anymore! - Shut up, slave!

I told you so, didn't I?

Leave him alone, it was my fault! I'll take him... !

Everything that was until now, it was good ... My master, Aristide fron Cirene, says...

You have to enjoy ourselves without becoming slaves of joy ...

- Do I speak well, my dear? - Excellent, Divine Ruffo ... !

That fellow from Nazareth... This ... Jesus!

He says partying is wrong ... !

- Sure it is a subversive concept ... ! - Excellent, Divine Ruffo ... !

However, he isn't preachin nor practicing violence like the zealots,

- ... but love. - Excellent, divine Ruffo!

You must approve when I give you the signal!

Excuse me, divine Ruffo! I don't understand how it works!

Love is more powerful than violence.

Because it doesn't try to replace a power with another...

But to remove the concept of power ...

Excellent, Ruffo ... !

You do not approve what they say ... ?

Excuse me, but if you change the sign every time, I get confused...

Where did you find this lout, Appula?

In a stone quarry, baby. Yet he cannot behave, excuse him!

Lega�i him next to the she-wolf and give him 10 lashes!

You even can you eat until after dessert, divine Ruffo!

You should choose more carefully on those who frequent your bed, Appula.

- Am I right? - Excellent, divine Ruffo!

Caleb, Caleb ... !

My poor thief... !

Deborah ... ! They caught you too?

I play the she-wolf... for Ruffo's entertainment.

I'm out of here only when he wants to...

- Says he feels like he possesses Rome! - Stop thinking about that, Deborah!

What's important is we found each other.

You are right!

- Who are you? Why are you unlocking me? - Shut up!

Stop wasting time, Caleb! You can go far!

The horses are ready for you with supplies.

In this bag, there are 15,000 drachmas.

But you do not owe me anything.

Not really. I must pay you for 24 marvelous pearls.

Leave at once!

- What is it? - We could go around!

No, wait! You see that man over there?

I know who that is. I saw everything he did to you!

I followed you and I hated you...

- ...for everything they did to you! - You hated me... ?

- That's why I ran! - I have an idea, Deborah!

I want to do myself a favor !

That's, baby ... ! Yes .... !

Yeah, baby ... !

So good. .. !

Where are you?

Where are you ... ? Where did you go?

I'm an idiot! I'm the biggest jack-ass in the world ... !

I am stupid... ! I am ... !

- Who are you? - It's me!

- Where did you come from? - You haven't seen me because I was invisible.

You saw a girl who was here before? The girl who is gone!

I caught her sleeping and I fucked her!

It's my seventh in three days...

- I haven't done it so much in my entire life! - Tell me everything!

I'll explain everything to you if you put down that sword.

See this bottle?

It is filled with a miraculous ointment! I got it from a caldeean magician!

You must rub it on all your body. After a moment, you become invisible.

Leave and don't say anything to anybody!

I will, but ... ! You cannt use the ointment, because...

There's a little secret that will cost 500 drachmas.

- Give me the secret! - Give me the money!

Now take your clothes off! I'll explain it to you!

You must rub it well on the whole body!

And you must say the fowlest words that come to your mind.

Loud and with conviction.

- For example... Pig, asshole, shithead ... - What ... ?

- You have to say: I am a pig, an asshole... - I cannot!

I cannot do this. I am a Roman soldier!

Well, keep your money, and I'll take back my ointment.

Well ... !

You must strip of all! You must be naked!

It is better, huh?

- I'm a sheep in heat! - I'm a sheep in heat ...

- I am a worm! - I am a worm ...

- I'm an idiot! - I am an ... idiot!

- I am a shitting asshole! - I am a ... shitting asshole!

I am a roman piece of shit ... !

I'm a roman piece of... shit!

Loud and clear!

- I am a roman piece of shit ... ! - Hey, it works ... !

- I can't see you hand. - What?

That one!

- I am a ... ? What ... ? - What you want! It's your choice!

I am a bastard!

- I'm a bumpkin! - Bravo! A bumpkin!

- I'm sick! - A sick one ... !

- I can't see you anymore! - But I can see myself!

Of course! You have to! It's the others that can't see you!

When you want to become visible again, just say a lot of insults again, loud and clear...

And it's over ... !

Who is it?

Have evil spirits returned ... ?

Devil... ! Go away... !

Go away, Satan ... ! Go away... !

Go away... !

You saw how he fell into the trap? Let's see what happens!

- Only a little more and we're done ... - Come on, girls, only a little more...

Hey .... !

You pig ... ! Look at this one... !

Shameless, he's naked...

- Get out of here, you fucker! - I am an idiot ... !

I am a shithead... !

Go away, you bastard... !

That is for Joshua!

Why can't we live like the others?

You mean, why not work?

I want to stop!

That is a bad life, Caleb, we're never in peace!

Are you never tired of running ... ?

You can not stop the wind in a bag and water in a basket! So says Baracuc!

Okay, I'll try!

Then let's go to Bethany! At my friend Marta's.

There you can rest and think, ok?

- Who is Marta? - Lazarus' sister!

And I guess Lazarus is Martha's brother!

- Good, how did you guess? - I tried ... ! I guessed... !

You need to stop that!

- What? - Playing the magician, the prophet...

Stop with all your tricks ....

I don't understand, you like Jesus so much but you don't want me to be like him?

I want to do that promise you'll stop thinking about Jesus.

And you won't try to do the things he does!

He is much better than me ...

It is better for you not to have anything to do with him.

Never ever!

Do you know ... ! I can give him two, three good advice.

- I can help him. - Enough ... !

Enough, Caleb!

What are you doing? Are you crying?

Don't cry!

Okay, okay, I will retire...

Alright... ?

Jesus can do it alone!

Are you happy?

- Do you remember ? - Who lives from memory is already dead ...

So says Baracuc!

Stop it, you and your Baracuc have beend the death of me...

I didn't manage to get you off me for a second, you leech!

- Me? - Yes, you ... !

- Looks who's talking, the leeching thief! - Leeching thief, eh?

- And you ... ? - Deborah ... !

- Dear Deborah! - Marta ... !

What happened? You're crying...

Lazarus is very ill, we fear for his life!

Let Jesus come here!

- Shut up, Caleb! - I tell you why he's not coming!

This time, no trick wouldn work.

That one is really dead!

I saw him myself and I am sure.

Caleb, Caleb, Jesus is here!

Everybody went to the tomb of Lazarus. Let us go as well!

He came a little too late.

Let's go!

Look at that, he moved the stone that covers the grave!

Lazarus, come out!

He''s crazy! I helped bury the dead with my own hands.

Lazarus is more dead than dead!

Lazarus ... !

Lazarus has risen from the grave... !

It can't be him! Its not possible!

No... !

It can't be true!

No ... !

I've been looking for him for a few weeks. First, in Efreim desert...

Then up and down in Galilee...

He stayed far from towns and rarely showed himself.

Always followed by his disciples.

I know he stopped at Ghetsimani.

Jesus ... ! Don't worry, I'm a friend!

My name is Caleb!

It's not important. I just want you to listen to me!

I've been watching you for some time...

I mean ... and I am also a professional.

Your tricks are excellent. Even I haven't understood them.

But I think that you lack ...

practical purposes ... ! You're a zero at that ... !

No offence, but you made some mistakes.

For example, getting into politics. I can't talk with the priests...

And I am of Galilee, just like you. And I am condemned to death, too.

It seems that we have the same destiny ...

Let's get out of here together!

I'll take you with me to Rome. We can not do much here ...

Think about it, Rome ... ! I already made plans!

You keep doing your tricks, but I'll manage you.

Think about it! After all you've done, you're still a bum, cursed and persecuted ...

Jesus ... !

Answer ... !

At least to educate me ...

But, you''re full of blood ... !

God ... ! Sorry ... !

You are full of blood ... !

Caleb ... !

I came back for my money, what did you think?

Let it not go to your head ...

I want to buy a bed. Of cedar, with goat leather and fabric from the Levant.

- And satin pillows! - Yes, ma'am. Satin pillows!

In this way, we'll run out of money.

Let them run out. If you do not spend it, is as if you don't have any.

Baracuc says: Money that stays in the box are worth less than stones.

You should have married Baracuc!

Yes,but he doesn't have those lovely eyes and certain curves where I would like...

- You like that? - It's him!

- Be careful, Caleb! - Yes, it's him!

You must arrest him. This man is a thief. He sold me a dead dog, but it was alive ...

And he stole five shekels from me.

Do you want five shekels ? I give them back with interest.

This time, you go to jail. Get moving!

- What will happen now? - Nothing ... ! Do not you worry!

Buy the bed yourself. And don't forget the goat leather ... !

You know something, buy it from him!

Be careful, don't let him cheat you! You know, these businessmen are all thieves!

It couldn't be true...

It was too beautiful...

Women ... I have treated them for what they are...

- Jewish, Phoenicians, Romans ... - You had a Roman woman?

And what a Roman woman! I won't give names...

I don't like to brag...

And who would believe me I had the wife of Governor Ruffo?

I met her when walking in Judea ...

She wanted to take me to Rome ..

But I don 't like people in high society ... I'm not used to them...

I like the dust in out streets...

- They arrested Jesus of Nazareth! - Jesus of Nazareth?

Yes, the one who makes miracles!

What miracles? Tricks !

- Even I know some of them ... - Did you know him?

A great man, but it went to his head.

He had great success, if only he'd have listened to me...

I told him to quit...

I told him not to quarrel with priests! But nothing... ! Stubborn...

And now they arrested him. I do not want to and get the same fate as him...

Now he will make another miracle, dying for us.

It is said that to celebrate his death, they will release us all...

- Are you sure, who told you? - Romans!

Is it true that we will be release?

If Pilate can convict Jesus to death, there will be an amnesty.

I'm sorry for him. But as you Romans say: "mors tua, vita mea"!

You must admit he had it coming. He stirred some spirits!

He will be crucified along with two thieves.

You are a thief, right? Maybe they'll pick you!

Who, one of them ... ? Hahahaha!

But they did choose me...

I think this is the last journey I take...

I am one of the two unfortunates who must die on the cross.

All because of Jesus!

Jesus ... !

At least I'm dying for my own sins... For stealing that scapegoat...

I'm here to ... as they say ... Form the picture ... !

To make it look like Jesus is a common criminal...

Not a man convicted because of his ideas ...

For that, they will kill him along with two thieves...

There were many in prison, but they had to choose me!

I think I have something special, like a pumpkin in a field of melons ...

You are a blasphemer...

As you see, he found someone to carry the cross for him...

Some people are born with the gift to be served...

- Caleb ... ! - Deborah!

Caleb ... !

I love you ... ! I love you, Caleb ... !

Don't be sorry for me ... ! It is true that I die young ...

You even had my fate in your hands...

It doesn't matter! I was always a free man ...

Even in prison and even here on the cross ...

I suffered from hunger, from thirst misery...

They beat me...

And I had a woman like you... !

I had fun. I wouldn't have been a good husband, Deborah!

Aren't you the Christ? Chosen by God?

If you're so good, why aren't you saving us from this torment?

- Get off the cross! - Leave him alone!

He has never done anything wrong!

Caleb ... ! Today you will be with me...

...in the Kingdom of Heaven ... !

Thank you! But you go first!

The End