Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:03,840
BLEEP
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:05,760
BLEEP
3
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,880
You're probably wondering
why I'm buying so many bananas.
4
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,240
BLEEP
5
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,560
There's a game called
Kingdom Scrolls,
6
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,280
and there's a section
called the Endless Maze,
7
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,640
and I'm attempting to become
the first person ever
8
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,360
to complete it entirely on...
9
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,000
..bananas. Correct.
BLEEP
10
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,240
I know. Sure. Lots of questions.
11
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,080
Basically, I attach
an earthing cable to myself.
12
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,920
When I touch the fruit,
it sends a signal to the keyboard.
13
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,800
Bunches on the left cover
directions.
14
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,360
Bunches on the right, attacks,
spells and defence.
15
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,840
"Why would you do that?" You might
ask yourself, quite rightly.
16
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,760
To that I would say, because
someone on a forum I sometimes read
17
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:49,040
said I probably...couldn't do it.
BLEEP
18
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,320
"But, Nicky, why would you book
five days' annual leave
19
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,120
"just to prove a point
to someone you've never met?"
20
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,760
And to that I would say,
because I am spiteful,
21
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,800
lonely...
22
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,280
and pathetic.
23
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,400
And with that...
24
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,920
And with that... Oh.
25
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,400
And with that...
26
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,200
he took his bananas and never did
darken her checkout again.
27
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:27,360
Adieu, milady.
28
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,440
LAUGHTER
29
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,720
Oh, Meg! You're...
30
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,640
not in your room.
Well observed, Alison.
31
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,920
Spilled yoghurt drink on my
swivel chair.
32
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,400
No,
obviously.
33
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,360
Tried drying it with a hairdryer.
34
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,920
Now my whole room
smells like hot raspberries.
35
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,240
So this is Simon.
He's in the orchestra.
36
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,360
Easy, Simon.
37
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,160
Tell him what you do, Meg,
on the computer.
38
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,320
I'm a hunchback.
Ah.
39
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,040
She's trying to save the Ninth
Kingdom from the Hive Mother.
40
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,240
You probably have
an image of it being a bit...
41
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,920
But to her, it's real.
42
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,160
It's like
having a life, in a way,
43
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,920
because we've been out,
44
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,320
but YOU'VE been out as well,
haven't you, Meg?
45
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,960
And
who's to say which one's more real?
46
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,280
Cos we might all
end up like Meg one day -
47
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,080
blobs on a futon,
attached to a computer.
48
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,760
It's coming.
49
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,280
It will happen.
50
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,480
So any plans for Valentine's Day?
Yup.
51
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,240
I'm just gonna sit here and wait
52
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,560
for the yoghurt to dry
on my swivel chair.
53
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,720
Meg, we were gonna
cook something together.
54
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,760
Don't mind me. I'm not even here.
The vessel's empty.
55
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,440
Physically I'm here, but mentally
Right.
56
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:03,640
Could you be mentally somewhere else
but also physically somewhere else?
57
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,360
I need this, Meg. I need to quench.
58
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,400
Is that what we're calling it now?
Quenching?
59
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,760
I wouldn't know since my nubbin
scabbed over and dropped off.
60
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,120
I'll go when my chair's dry.
61
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,120
Let me see if I can fix it
with a towel.
62
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,480
So, Valentine's Day. What's the
plan, then, Simon? What?
63
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,440
Have dinner, then fuck
Sorry?
64
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,880
The question is, though, fucking
before dinner or after dinner?
65
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,840
Cos fucking's a bit like cheese.
66
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,240
It can either be a starter
or a pudding.
67
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,600
I'm just gonna...erm...
68
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,960
I managed to blot most of it up
with a towel.
69
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,920
Safe.
70
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,920
Have a good night, love pets.
71
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,800
Oh.
72
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,800
WIND HOWLS
73
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,600
USMAN: I can't believe
you actually did it, Nicky.
74
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,920
The Endless Maze on bananas!
Total madman.
75
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,040
What can I say? It was a triumph
of human spitefulness.
76
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,400
Because somewhere out there
is a person...
77
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,080
and I can't remember his username
78
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,320
cos I lost the link, but he is
feeling pretty stupid right now.
79
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,960
Yeah, cos he's the idiot
in this story,
80
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,960
not you, the man who was crying
81
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,800
on the landing at 4am
stomping on bananas.
82
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,320
Exactly, Meg.
83
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,880
Everything's pointless. We just
ascribe our own meaning to things.
84
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,480
Who's to say it's any more or less
85
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,680
pointless than...running the London
Marathon for four years?
86
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,520
OK, Nicky. Is this about your
brother?
87
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,280
HE SCOFFS AND LAUGHS
88
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,960
No, Meg, this is not
about my brother.
89
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,880
This has absolutely nothing to do
with my brother.
90
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,600
HE LAUGHS
91
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,160
This is about my dad,
92
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,640
and I cannot wait to see his face
when I tell him what I've achieved.
93
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,280
OK, I'm out of here.
94
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,120
My wife's made me a big Valentine's
95
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,760
lunch - steak, cheesecake, the whole
nine yards.
96
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,520
Ah, good for you.
Don't choke, will you!
97
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,800
RHYTHMIC BONKING
Oh, perfect(!) They're doing it!
98
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,240
Alison and Simon are doing it!
99
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,760
That is so passive-aggressive.
Is it?
100
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,120
That is passive-aggressive bonking.
101
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:13,200
Alison is basically
rubbing her vagina in my face.
102
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,960
Happy Valentine's Day, Meg.
103
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,320
Valentine's Night and I'm punching
a wooly mammoth to death with my
104
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,880
bare hands while Alison just
wafts her clit about!
105
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,840
Well, like I always say, it's only
depressing if you think about it.
106
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,680
Tell my mother I love her cos
I'm about to wank myself to death!
107
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,160
Hey, Russell.
108
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,040
Have you seen this?! There is
Kingdom Scrolls pornography!
109
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,960
There are drawings of the characters
110
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,640
but they're all dirty! Like proper
muck!
111
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,800
I'm looking at them right now -
Yeah, we know.
112
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,680
It's Kingdom Scrolls hentai,
and it's old.
113
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,400
There are some talented artists
114
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,960
out there. These dicks
are almost photo-real.
115
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,280
I can't stop jerking off,
116
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,960
though there's basically
nothing left down there.
117
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,600
You know an inhaler, when you squirt
it
118
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,080
in the air? My dick does that now
every time I climax.
119
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,200
No sperm, not any more,
not for days.
120
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,720
Just...pfff.
121
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,720
It just goes pfff,
and it makes a kind of thin mist.
122
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,560
My banjo string is round my ankles.
123
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,400
My foreskin looks like a battered
piece of calamari!
124
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,200
Sorry. Russell,
Yeah.
125
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,840
Plus it's Valentine's Day, so it
126
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,160
only feels right to be jerking off
over drawings of sexy fairies.
127
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,480
RHYTHMIC BONKING QUICKENS
128
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,720
So, listen, Russell.
129
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,240
I never did give you
those combat lessons.
130
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,800
Maybe we could head out
OK, sure.
131
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,920
I'm back. What did I miss?
132
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,080
Usman? I thought
you were having lunch.
133
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,800
Yeah, I had it. I just wolfed it.
134
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,280
It's got to be a record. I don't
135
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,640
think anyone's ever eaten steak
that quickly.
136
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,640
Man, that is sitting heavy.
137
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,640
This is taking way too long.
138
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,280
I've got to go. I've got dinner
at my parents'.
139
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,880
MAMMOTH ROARS
140
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,720
ALL: Hurray!
We killed it!
141
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:58,440
So, how are those radiators?
I don't suppose you bled them?
142
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,680
It's really not that difficult.
It is for me, Dad.
143
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,240
Last time I tried bleeding
the radiators,
144
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,520
I spewed molten hot fluids all over
my hands and torso.
145
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,960
And I actually cried.
I know you did, Son.
146
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,960
Ah. Right.
147
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,120
Obviously.
148
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,760
Your brother's back in training.
Doing the Boston Marathon next.
149
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,240
He's already raised
about 4,000 in sponsorship.
150
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:27,320
Well, I completed a game
on bananas, Dad.
151
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,800
Don't know what that means, Son.
152
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,520
You don't need to know what it
means.
153
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,160
I am the first person in the world
to do this.
154
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,040
Mark Chapman was the first person
155
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,280
in the world to shoot John Lennon,
so...
156
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,920
Fine. Forget it, Dad. Doesn't
matter.
157
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,240
What I mean is - why don't you show
me how it works?
158
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,880
You know, the game.
159
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,640
Oh, sure.
160
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,280
Be nice for us
to do something together.
161
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,720
When you get home tonight,
Yeah?
162
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,680
Cos I know
you're not really into football.
163
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,320
Or rugby.
164
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,080
Anyway, love...
165
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,280
Golf. Boxing. Tennis.
166
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,320
Archery. Hockey.
167
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,280
Is this where we do our
combat lessons?
168
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,920
Kind of, yeah.
169
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,760
Uh... What is this?
170
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,520
This, young Paduwan,
is the future of fucking.
171
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,760
It's early days. We're still
waiting on the tech to catch up.
172
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,600
But give it five years, seriously,
173
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,920
the next generation of smart
vibrators will change the world.
174
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,320
Then you sync that up to some 4K VR
porn with a pair of haptic gloves
175
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,800
and you get your Bluetooth love egg
involved, and, well...
176
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,680
no-one will ever have to
touch anyone ever again.
177
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,120
That's...
178
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,880
I know it is,
and that's within my lifetime.
179
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,200
I've never seen
anything like this before.
180
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,880
Is that a cat wanking off a robot?
This is an outlaw server.
181
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,240
It's hosted outside of
international waters.
182
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,240
Apparently it's run from an oil rig
off the coast of Zimbabwe.
183
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,200
And who's this guy?
Oh. That's Mitchell.
184
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,080
He does that.
185
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,960
In fact, IRL he's a professor
186
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,920
of macroeconomics at Liverpool
University.
187
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,320
You wouldn't think it, would you,
the way he's doing that?
188
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,280
Hello, Professor.
AVATAR JABBERS
189
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,760
Anyway, Meg, in regards
to these combat lessons...
190
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,160
Look, I'm not gonna
butter this up for you
191
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,920
but for various reasons, some of
192
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,680
which are relatively questionable,
193
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,880
I'm basically bursting at the seams
tonight.
194
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,080
My downstairs is like a burrito
with too much filling in it.
195
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,520
Do you understand
what I'm saying, Russell?
196
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:55,240
Sorry, I'm finding it quite hard
to concentrate with this guy er...
197
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,360
SMACK
198
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,960
Great. Let's fuck.
199
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,800
So this is my castle.
200
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,760
14 bedrooms, plus a dungeon.
201
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,160
Has the capacity
to house 20 adult slaves.
202
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,720
Do you want one?
203
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,480
Have a slave.
204
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,840
SLAVE GROWLS
205
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,200
What do I do with it?
We could just kill it.
206
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,760
That'd be a nice father-and-son
thing to do, wouldn't it?
207
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,960
See? That was fun, wasn't it?
208
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,680
Hurray! We killed a slave.
209
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,680
Well...
You could, but I would beat you.
210
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,720
DAD SCOFFS
How could you beat me?
211
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,920
I'm a muscly wizard.
You're a child in a cape.
212
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,840
It's a cloak, Dad. And I'm not a
child.
213
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,520
I've just got very narrow shoulders.
214
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,760
Fight me. Come on, do it.
215
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,160
This is penalty shootout
all over again.
216
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,640
Dad, I told you! I can't
217
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,680
do penalties because the net
in the goal makes my eyes strobe.
218
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,320
Come on, Nicky. Fight me.
219
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,080
Be a man for a change.
220
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,600
OK. Do you know what, Dad?
221
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,520
I am gonna bleed you
like a radiator.
222
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,320
THUNDEROUS NOISE
223
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,440
ROBOT VOICE: Battlestone activated.
224
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,200
Right. What are the buttons?
225
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,400
Fuck the buttons!
Time to die, Dad!
226
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,800
Ha!
227
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,800
What in the hell...?
228
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,640
Alison.
229
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,960
I killed my dad, Alison.
230
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,400
I killed him.
231
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,040
And do you know something?
232
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,080
It felt amazing.
233
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,560
So this is Simon.
234
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,640
I killed my dad, Simon.
Mm-hm.
235
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,440
You ARE talking about the game?
236
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,720
It's like something
from a fairy tale.
237
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,560
I killed...my father.
238
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:28,160
I like saying it like that.
"Father" instead of "dad".
239
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:32,960
I killed my father. How many people
can say they've done that?
240
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,920
Everyone WANTS to do it, obviously.
241
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,560
Do they?
242
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,600
Cos my dad's 60 and he's lovely.
243
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,560
I don't want to tempt fate, Alison,
244
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:47,240
but I think I might have just fixed
all my dysfunctions in one go.
245
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,040
Yeah.
Yeah.
246
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,760
I think I might be normal now.
247
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,280
Right, OK, Nicky. Let's not rush
No, I know. Sure.
248
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,080
It's not like I'm normal like...
I dunno...Simon.
249
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,280
I'm not Simon normal.
250
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,320
But more normal than before.
251
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,280
And more confident.
252
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,840
Like I could just... get a new
253
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,920
haircut without even phoning round
all the hairdressers
254
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,560
to see which one sounded
the least intimidating.
255
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,880
In fact, I might just
cut it myself right now,
256
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,560
give myself a normal haircut,
like Simon.
257
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,320
Maybe don't. Maybe...
258
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,960
sleep on it.
259
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,920
Hey, Simon.
260
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,880
Nice coat, Simon.
261
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,760
How would you like to one day
262
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,520
get a pint of drink in a pub
with me, Simon?
263
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,760
Yeah.
264
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,280
Hey! Russell.
265
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,000
So that was...
pretty wild last night.
266
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,080
What was?
267
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,600
You know, the...the humping.
268
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,480
In the game.
(Squoiking the dirty words.)
269
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,240
Er...it's not ringing
any immediate bells.
270
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,800
Yeah, no, OK, sure, yeah.
271
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,560
See you later.
272
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,600
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
273
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,400
Fuck me.
274
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,760
What's that?
Fuck me on the heath.
275
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:32,760
Bend me over a rune
stone and ram me like a portcullis.
276
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,000
So sorry. Will you excuse me one
second?
277
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,720
Hey, Meg.
Russell. How can I help?
278
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,200
We were just talking on the thingy.
You and me.
279
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,920
You were talking about
the rune stones just now.
280
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,720
Portcullis?
281
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,280
OK, this is actually quite simple.
I want to bang you in the abstract.
282
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,960
I want to bang the idea of you.
Yeah.
283
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,360
No, not really.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
284
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,560
Conceptually, I want to bang you.
285
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,200
Like, if I close my eyes
right now...
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
286
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,840
OK, yeah. I quite want to bang
Russell.
287
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:22,000
And then when I open them...
OK, yeah, no, definitely don't.
288
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,480
No, totally, I get it. Yeah.
289
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,520
When you can't see me, thumbs up.
290
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,680
When you can see me...
291
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,400
It really is
as simple as that, dude.
292
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:39,040
Great. So, I'll see you back out
there. Back on the field of battle.
293
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,120
Not if I see you first.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
294
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,360
Smash me, Russell.
Smash me like a stack of poppadoms.
295
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,440
What?
296
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,120
Usman! Are you still on?
297
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,960
What time is it there?
298
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,760
It's like one in the morning.
It's like four in the morning.
299
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,040
I've got to tell you
about my evening.
300
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,840
I came back from the store, and
this guy Wade, from my wife's work,
301
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,520
he's mowing my lawn!
302
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,960
He ended up cooking dinner
for the whole family.
303
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,520
Then he put the girls to bed
and read them a story.
304
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,680
I can hear them upstairs together -
Wade, my wife, the girls -
305
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,480
and they're all just laughing.
306
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,920
Meanwhile, I'm downstairs
crafting eternity crystals.
307
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,680
It doesn't get much better
than that. Mind-blowing.
308
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,480
Son, it's your dad.
I want a rematch.
309
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,760
HE SIGHS
Sorry, Usman.
Excuse me one second.
310
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,840
I just need to go murder my father.
Again.
311
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,960
DRAMATIC MUSIC
312
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
CLANKING AND CRUNCHING
313
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:48,920
Shit!
314
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,440
Where were we?
315
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,080
Oh. Look at that.
316
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,760
I'm still holding his head.
317
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,800
Ooh, I know. Let's do penalties.
318
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,400
Yeah, hi. You sent me a mouldy pear
319
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,440
in my online shopping
about six weeks ago.
320
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,920
No, I won't hold.
I want eight pears.
321
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,480
I don't know why eight. It's just
322
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,840
a number I picked out of my head,
and now I want it.
323
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,920
OK. Bye.
324
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,840
Nicky, did you just
demand eight pears?
325
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,640
I just demanded eight pears.
326
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,640
They're coming tomorrow.
327
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,880
Meg, you know
when I killed my father?
328
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,760
Yes, I do, because you talk
about it all the time.
329
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,080
I think I might be invincible.
330
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,520
Yes, it is.
331
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760
I bought a new coat, like Simon's.
332
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,240
It just looks really weird.
333
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:51,560
You even look...
sort of passable for a human.
334
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,440
It's a bit like if the Elephant Man
335
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,800
grew a hipster beard and got some
tattoos
336
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,480
and you put him in skinny jeans
and a beanie hat,
337
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,280
you'd be like,
"Yeah. Sort of. Maybe."
338
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,880
What I'm saying is,
339
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,320
you should basically
take it off right now and burn it.
340
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,360
I like it.
341
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,760
Oh. And, Meg...
342
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,040
Yes, Nicky?
343
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,800
I...
344
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,240
Nothing.
345
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,120
Nicky, you wouldn't be about to
do anything stupid, would you?
346
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,040
Like, I dunno,
cut your own hair or...
347
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,800
tell Meg that you're secretly
in love with her?
348
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,040
Yeah. OK, Alison.
349
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,440
Because that's exactly where I am
in my series arc.
350
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,160
I'm ready to tell Meg
that I love her.
351
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,840
HE SCOFFS
Grow up, Alison.
352
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,040
Right. I might go for a run.
353
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,280
How far is a marathon?
354
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,920
So your dad tells me you've been
playing your game together.
355
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,480
That's right.
356
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,520
Dad?
357
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,560
Did you want to tell her
what we've been doing?
358
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,400
Happy to, Son.
359
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,680
Nicholas teabagged me.
Oh! What's teabags?
360
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,200
Well, first he's cut my head off.
361
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,960
Then he sort of...
just did that, over my head.
362
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,440
Like he's tapping his bollocks
on my face.
363
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,800
I thought it'd be nice
for us to do something together,
364
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,280
but he just keeps killing me
365
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,040
and then tapping his bollocks
on my face,
366
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,640
so I think I'll stop
playing it now.
367
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,160
Sorry for teabagging you, Dad.
368
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,920
I didn't think.
(It's all right.)
369
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,080
So, who wants to carve?
370
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,680
Very funny(!)
371
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,600
I'll carve.
HE SHARPENS KNIFE
372
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,800
How do you mean, very funny?
I mean I'm carving.
373
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,400
You don't think I can carve?
Son, I've seen you carve.
374
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,800
You can't carve.
375
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,320
That's funny, cos I seem to
376
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,600
remember carving you up pretty good
out in the Flatlands.
377
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,680
Well, this is reality, Son.
378
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:38,400
Is it, though, Dad?
Is THIS reality? Is it really?
379
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,840
I'm carving.
380
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,400
Not
until I've carved the meat, Dad.
381
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:49,960
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
382
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,040
Boys...
383
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,560
You do it in chunks.
384
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,280
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
385
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,240
I won't do it in chunks.
386
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,600
I'll do it in slices,
like we all like!
387
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,240
DRAMATIC MUSIC
388
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,600
It's my house. I'll carve.
389
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,720
I'm the more proficient with the
390
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,840
blade, as I clearly demonstrated
on your face, neck and head.
391
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,880
Give me the meat, Son.
392
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,040
I can do it, Dad!
393
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,200
Never!
394
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,560
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
395
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,960
Now...
396
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,160
..shall I be mother?
397
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,080
Usman! Have you seen Meg?
One second.
398
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:57,120
Hey, Wade! I think
Daria has an assignment!
399
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:01,080
Yeah. If you don't mind taking
a look, that would be tremendous!
400
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,560
Sure thing, Usman!
Come here, honey!
401
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,680
Sucker.
402
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,760
I think she went to the House
of the Jade Moon. Her and Russell.
403
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,360
AVATAR JABBERS
Eurgh!
404
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,240
HE MUTTERS
30243
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof