Original subtitles

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Alex, darling, Andy and I are not the only people here.

This is our moment.

You bet. It's a once in a lifetime moment.

And these moments are gonna sell like hotcakes.

Good for you, my dear Melissa, and very good for me.

Yeah, Alex, why don't you spread yourself around?

I'd like to get some photos of my buddies for the scrapbook.

For the police archives?

Okay, Andy, I'll leave you in peace for a minute.

Where's your best man? Uh, Dennis.

Probably with the second most beautiful girl in the place.

You know, Mrs. Hays,

watching Andy and your daughter dance

gets me to thinking about my own wedding reception.

It was in an Italian restaurant.

And we waltzed to the music of Vinnie Scavelli and his Paisanos.

I held Mrs. Columbo in my arms

and she was as light as a moonbeam.

Oh, how nice.

Did I meet her?

Uh, no, ma'am, she's not here.

She had to go to Chicago to look after her mother.

She fell and broke her hip.

Your wife?

No, ma'am, her mother.

(GASPS) Oh, poor thing.

She was having fun at the time, ma'am,

learning how to skateboard.

Oh, how nice!

Excuse me, Lieutenant. Mrs. Hays.

Cindy, I'd like you to meet Lieutenant Columbo, the groom's uncle.

ALEX: Look this way.

Very nice. Hey, Cindy. How are you feeling, Mrs. Hays?

Oh, not too bad, thank you. Now, everybody, do sit down.

Alex, this is Lieutenant Columbo,

Andy's uncle.

How do you do? And this is Alex.

He's the one who discovered Melissa.

He made her famous.

I had that pleasure. Last summer.

I was shooting a fashion layout in Malibu.

Melissa had just come down from Seattle.

She was on the beach with friends. I thought she was stunning.

I wound up taking more shots of her than the professional models.

When I showed the stuff to the head of the agency, that was it.

She took off like a rocket.

I never saw it happen so quickly.

Mrs. Hays, I was just telling your husband what a great reception this is.

Well, most of it was Melissa's planning.

And, of course, Sheldon paid the bills.

Sure did!

A few more dollars, we could have built another shopping mall in Seattle.

(CHUCKLES)

ALEX: Come on, Cindy, let's snap a few.

Who knows, you may be my next great discovery.

Louise, my darling, it's way past your bedtime.

Remember what the doctor said.

That medication is a nuisance.

Yes, dear. Come on.

We're just going upstairs.

Are you all right, Mother?

Oh, I'm fine, darling.

Just a little tired.

We'll talk in the morning, won't we?

We'll pop in before we leave.

Louise, sleep well.

Everything's been so lovely.

I'm very proud of you both.

Good night, my darlings. Good night.

(SIGHS)

You haven't danced all evening.

It's been more fun watching you.

You're not going to get away with that.

Come on. (ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Andy, you're a lucky son of a gun.

Don't I know it. She's quite a gal.

I just had a thought.

Where I come from,

it's customary for the buddies of the groom

to kidnap the bride on her wedding night.

Sergeant, what do you think?

Is that so?

Yeah, it's a hoot.

Andy, you better keep an eye on her.

Well, don't you try anything, unless you want a broken neck.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I'm gonna go talk to a couple of the other guys.

Plus, I gotta keep 'em away from my girl.

You don't think that joker would get up to anything, do you?

He was just kidding.

But I'll keep an eye on him, anyway. Do that.

Get a load of Fred Astaire.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Hey, where did you learn this stuff?

Mrs. Columbo taught me.

She loves to dance.

It's about the only exercise I get.

She wears me out.

Well, go, baby, go!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

I faithfully promised the newlyweds they'd be out of here by 11:00.

They're leaving first thing in the morning for a place

where even the tabloids won't discover 'em for a couple of weeks.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Melissa, my dear,

your mother's upstairs resting,

but we both want you to know that we are full of

joy and pride for our beautiful daughter,

and for this fine young man, Andy, whom we welcome into the family.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Continued happiness to you both.

May you prosper and multiply.

That last is a request for a grandchild.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I think we should have a word from the groom's uncle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lieutenant Columbo.

(ALL CHEERING)

Andy, if my sister, Mary,

and your father, Dan, were still with us,

I know that they would be just as delighted

with Melissa as I am. She's...

Well, she's just special.

And come to think of it, she's not a bad dancer, either.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, Mr. Hays, you and Mrs. Hays aren't losing a daughter,

you're gaining a police force.

(HOOTING)

Andy, Melissa,

health and happiness to you always.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you.

We love you all.

ALL: (SINGING) For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Nobody can deny

That nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

Nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny Nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny Deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

No, nobody can deny Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

Hold it!

Great. Andy, do me a favor.

One picture I don't have, for old time's sake.

Me and Melissa.

Be my pleasure. Is it...

It's all ready.

Thank you. For everything.

You're welcome.

And one for me.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

ALL: Bye!

Gosh, you're beautiful.

Why does this feel so strange?

I know, it does, doesn't it?

Mrs. Parma.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

We're like a couple of moonstruck kids. Yeah.

Go take a shower. Oh!

Let me get out of this.

Oh. Yes.

Please.

Right away, ma'am.

ANDY: (SINGING) For I'm a jolly good fellow

For I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

That I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

That I'm a jolly good fellow, oh, yes, I am

Jolly good fellow

I'm a jolly good fellow

No, nobody can deny

(HUMMING)

(SCATTING)

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

I'm all yours, Mrs. Parma.

Melissa?

Lis?

Mulrooney, that joker. I'll kill him.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Bar here.

ANDY: Is there a Detective Dennis Mulrooney there?

Anyone by the name of Dennis Mulrooney?

Yeah, that's me. Excuse me.

Yeah? Dennis.

Hey, Andy. Where's Melissa?

You took her, didn't you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it easy, buddy.

Not guilty. I was just joshing about the kidnapping.

I got more important business on my mind.

Yeah, well, she's not here. Where is she?

Well, maybe she forgot something, came down to pick it up,

got into a conversation with somebody.

There's still a lot of people down there.

It's a nice party. You want me to look around?

No, I'm coming down. You're coming down?

I'll be right there. Okay.

(SIGHS)

Melissa...

COLUMBO: I nearly escaped, but Melissa's dad, Mr. Hays,

nailed me for some advice on where to open one of his malls down here.

What do I know?

He was asking for good low crime areas. That's a tough one to answer.

He's quite a guy. Great talker.

I couldn't get away from him.

He was moving in on Sergeant Goodman as I was leaving.

Glad you had me paged.

I was kind of surprised that you'd want to see me

tonight.

What's the matter?

Smell this.

It's chloroform.

Melissa's gone. Somebody took her.

Somebody what?

Kidnapped her!

Andy, what are you saying?

It happened when I was in the shower.

When I came out, she was gone.

And this was here?

Yes.

What was she wearing?

ANDY: Everything's here.

She must have been in her underwear.

When did it happen?

Look, I told you, I was in the shower.

How long?

Uh, not long.

No valuables taken.

Only the most valuable thing in the world.

What's this doing here?

That I found on the floor.

The other is missing.

Where was it?

Uh, right there.

Where was the wad with the chloroform?

That was by the drapes.

What time did you go in the bathroom?

Let's see, we got up here about 11:15,

then we talked for a bit, not much.

(SIGHS) Then she told me to go take a shower.

Told you? We were just joking.

We just both felt foolish for some reason.

Someone listening outside the door might have heard her say that.

Say what? "Take a shower."

If he heard it, he'd know you were in there.

No, it's not forced.

Prints from the handles won't be much use.

You've used 'em a couple of times since then.

(SCORNFULLY) I'm real sorry about that, Officer.

Okay, Andy, okay.

He wouldn't carry an unconscious woman

out this way through the hotel.

He might have sneaked her into one of these rooms nearby, or...

He'd be much more likely to carry

an unconscious woman down the fire stairs.

An unconscious woman?

Hold this. We don't want it self-Iocking on us.

Unconscious woman?

That's Melissa you're talking about.

My wife.

You're my uncle, for Pete's sake. She's related.

He could have taken Melissa out this way.

That's what I'm checking on.

How long were you in the shower?

Ten minutes or so.

Did you hear anything?

I was in the shower, enjoying myself, singing.

What could I hear?

Okay, Andy.

So you got out around 11:30, 11:35?

ANDY: Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, chances are he came this way.

Let's get back to the room.

COLUMBO: It seems like Melissa's dad has plenty of money,

so whoever did this could have done it for ransom.

On the other hand, you being a cop, it could involve you.

(SIREN WAILING)

It could have been revenge.

Revenge?

You put some guys behind bars. Used a gun on a couple of 'em.

Somebody might want to get even.

You got a cigarette?

I thought you gave 'em up.

I did. You got one?

Got these.

Thanks.

Hell of a wedding.

Get on the phone and call Sergeant Goodman.

Tell him I'd like him in on this. And Mulrooney.

Goodman's big on kidnapping.

Have him call the lab, get somebody over here to dust for prints.

Ask him to lay on a phone tap.

I'll clear it with the hotel.

You guys go over everything you know.

I'm gonna take a look outside that fire escape.

Hey, Andy. Yeah?

Hang in there. We'll find her.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Front desk.

Please put me through to Mr. Dennis Mulrooney at the bar.

(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING)

(CAT MEOWING)

BILL: Who the devil is it?

Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.

You're a cop. Where's your uniform?

I'm a plainclothes detective.

You got any ID?

I'd sure like to talk with you for a few minutes, if you don't mind.

I'm Bill Bailey. Come on in.

Is this the kitchen of a restaurant?

They like to call it that.

That's smoke grease on the window.

Disgraceful, ain't it?

What do you do here, Mr. Bailey?

I'm the cleaning man.

Some of that dirt? Never come off.

But it'll be a darned sight better when I get through with it.

What time did you start work tonight, Mr. Bailey?

Call me Bill, like in the song.

People are always asking me,

"Why don't you go home, Bill Bailey?"

They all say it like nobody ever thought of it before.

What time did you start, Bill?

10:00. But these people don't even notice me.

Don't give me the time of day.

They seem to think I've never been here.

Where do you live, Bill?

West LA, off Pico. 134 Neptune Street.

Did you happen to see anybody out in the yard

sometime after 11:00?

You mean people? I never seen anybody.

But you did see something.

Yeah. A van. A white van.

The driver had backed it all the way into the alley.

That's what made me notice it.

Most of the delivery men pull in head first,

then they back out when they're through unloading.

What kind of deliveries do they make after 11:00 on a Sunday?

Nothing that I know of.

You got some kind of interest in that van?

Was it stolen?

No, just a routine investigation, Bill.

Did you see the driver?

I told you, I didn't see nobody.

Heard the van backing in.

By the time I looked out the window,

the driver had gotten out and walked away.

You looked out that window?

Yeah.

I'm used to looking through it

when I hear something real interesting outside.

Sometimes the hotel bellhops

sneak the chambermaids out in the back

when they think nobody can see 'em.

I can barely see the hotel from here.

But you say the van was white?

Yeah. What part of it I could see.

What part was that?

The back end, where the doors are.

Was there any writing on it?

Nothing as I could see. It was white.

But I can tell you what time it left. Exactly 11:30.

How would you know exactly?

I was taking off my watch

so I could scour the pots and pans,

and I heard the van doors open and shut,

like something was being loaded in the back.

Did you look out the window again?

No, sir, I didn't.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

ANDY: (SINGING) For I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

(DOOR CLOSING)

I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny Oh, nobody can deny

No, no one will deny it 'Cause I'm a jolly good...

(WHISPERS) Quiet!

(MUFFLED SINGING)

(GRUNTING)

COLUMBO: How long will it take to lay in that phone tap, fellas?

Fifteen, twenty minutes.

Can someone call in while you're working on it?

You bet. Any call comes through, we'll hear it.

If it does, let Detective Parma take it.

MAN: You got it, Lieutenant.

It's usually soon, you say, Robert?

That's the pattern.

Kidnappers, they like to gloat a while. Not too long.

The adrenaline's pumping, they want the money fast.

They want to get to you while you're still in shock.

But you'd be surprised how many kidnappings for ransom

we never even hear about.

People pay up,

and if the kidnapped party's safely returned,

that's the end of it.

Yeah, sure. I give them my cop's salary,

they hand over Melissa right away?

Great ransom.

Top models make all kinds of money, right?

Yeah, but Melissa's only been in the business 18 months

and most of what we saved went into the house we bought.

Her dad's got plenty, right?

He told me he owns eight shopping malls.

Yeah, and about half the other real estate in Seattle.

There was an article on him in the LA Times.

When are we gonna tell him what happened?

Well, there's no point in opening that can of peas just yet,

and his wife's not too well. Leave 'em in peace until there's no choice.

If it's ransom, we'll hear soon enough.

If it's something else, let's work on it.

Any notes? Threatening letters?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

JOE: Fingerprints!

Oh!

Hi, Joe. Glad it's you. We're kind of in a real hurry here.

All I need is the door.

Forget the handles, we all touched them plenty.

Hit the door surface and the door frame.

Somebody carried somebody out this way,

they might have put out a hand for support.

Now, when you're done here, do the same thing to the fire escape

down the corridor to the left.

Door, walls, the works. Okay?

JOE: You got it, Lieutenant.

And, Joe, ask the boys at the lab to put a rush on it for me, will you?

No problem.

There's no sense letting this stuff go to waste.

Anybody? I'll get it.

Andy, you want some? Thanks.

Revenge.

You guys come up with anything on that while I was gone?

Andy blew a guy away a few years ago.

Tell the Lieutenant, Andy.

Well, about three years ago, and this is long before I met Melissa,

I was dating this girl. Sharee was her name.

One night, we were in a club in North Hollywood

and some drunk came busting up to the table

and asked Sharee how it felt to be dating a cop

while her husband was doing time.

Who was the guy, the drunk?

Albert Wagner.

Yeah, but I found that out later.

Right then I let the club bouncer take care of him.

But driving home, Sharee told me it was her ex-husband, Billy,

the drunk's brother, who was serving the last couple weeks of his sentence.

He sure got out on time.

One late night, the two of them jumped me, right outside my apartment.

Cracked a rib, busted my head before I could get my gun out.

Billy tried to take it from me and I had to shoot him.

Died right there in his brother's arms.

What happened to him? The brother, Albert.

He swore he'd get back at me if it was the last thing he ever did.

The judge gave him three years

for Assault Two, Class D felony.

Andy you say this was three years ago? ANDY: About.

All through here, Lieutenant. I'll go hit the fire escape.

Thanks, Joe.

Sergeant, will you check if Wagner's out?

Sure. As soon as these guys clear the out line.

How's it coming?

Four or five minutes.

You know what's on this, don't you, Andy?

Yeah, by heart.

"Be my guest. Love, M."

M for Melissa.

She left that for me as a surprise. What about it?

Guest is what it's about. Suppose it was a guest that did this.

Suppose it was somebody at the wedding.

No, they were all family and friends.

All of 'em? How many do you know?

Well, most of them were Melissa's.

A whole lot from the magazine business.

Editors, models.

But how many do you know?

About 20%.

See what I mean? We're gonna have to check 'em all.

Where's the guest list?

I don't have it. You don't have it?

We made it out and gave it to Mr. Hays.

Parents of the bride.

Yes, it's the parents of the bride

that send out the invitations to a wedding.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Hays.

What the heck, Lieutenant? It's almost 1:30.

Under normal circumstances,

I wouldn't bother you, but this is kind of important.

Well, it better be.

My wife overdid it tonight. She's extremely unwell.

I've given her some medication, but I don't want to disturb her.

Can't it keep?

I'm afraid not, sir.

(SIGHS) Come on in.

We'll talk in my bedroom. Shh.

Around here.

So, what's on your mind this time of the night?

Mr. Hays, I have a great deal of respect for you,

so I'm not gonna beat the bush.

Your daughter was kidnapped.

Melissa was abducted from the bridal suite

shortly after they went upstairs tonight while Andy was in the shower.

We know she was chloroformed.

For now, we don't know who did it, but we're working on it.

I'm glad to hear that.

Why wasn't I informed earlier?

One reason was out of consideration for your wife,

and the other was that I felt that

it served no useful purpose until I had more information.

I'm a big boy. I could have taken it.

Yes, sir. No matter, no matter.

Well, the first thing that comes to mind is ransom,

she being the daughter of a rich man.

No doubt if you're working on it, as you say,

you've taken that under consideration.

Let me make it crystal clear.

If there's a ransom demand, whatever amount, I'll pay instantly.

No questions asked.

But let me emphasize. No police histrionics.

I'll pay.

When my daughter's returned, then, and only then,

you can go in with guns blazing. You understand?

Clearly, sir.

Now, what is being done?

Everything possible.

One thing you can do to help, Mr. Hays.

I need the guest list

in order to check out everyone that was at the wedding tonight.

You suspect it might have been someone already in the hotel?

We don't know anything for sure,

but that's one area we need to follow up.

Well, let's not waste anymore time.

Time, I imagine, is of the essence in these matters.

Yes, sir, time is everything.

Now, here are names,

addresses, telephone numbers

of everyone who received an invitation. Complete.

Thank you.

May I ask you, Mr. Hays, who took that photograph?

SHELDON: Alex.

Alex?

He was at the wedding and the reception, wasn't he?

It's in the garden of our home, in Seattle.

(CRYING) Oh, Melissa.

Well, good hunting, Lieutenant.

I'll keep you informed, sir.

I appreciate that.

But I want you and everyone else involved

to make sure not a word of this reaches my wife.

Nothing in the papers, nothing on TV, none of that.

It would kill her if she heard about this in her present condition.

Understood? I promise you to keep it quiet, sir.

Thank you.

Anybody call?

Nothing yet. But I checked on Wagner.

He's been out a couple of weeks.

I'm on my way to a snitch I know.

You ever meet him? His name's Comfort.

No, but I heard of him. Tubby, isn't it? Tubby Comfort?

Yeah, he's got the dirt on every crook in town.

Makes a nice few bucks on the side informing on 'em.

Spends half his nights in some Arabian steam bath.

Let's see if he has anything on Wagner. That the list?

Yeah. How was Hays?

Tough. He's something else. I'll see you.

Yeah.

The photographer was called Alex.

Looked like he never stopped taking pictures.

What was his second name?

Varrick. Alex Varrick. Why?

We're gonna need photos of everybody to match faces with names

until everybody at the wedding is accounted for.

While I'm away, you guys go through this list.

You check all the names you know.

If you don't know 'em and you know somebody who might know 'em,

call 'em.

Use the spare phone.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

(WHISTLING STOPS)

(CUPBOARDS CLOSING)

(WATER POURING)

(CHAIR DRAGGING)

(METALLIC CLANKING)

(KNIFE SHARPENING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(KEYS RATTLING)

(DOORKNOB CLICKING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

MAN: Melissa, my love.

(LAUGHS)

When I remove the tape, don't scream.

It would be useless to scream.

This place is not near to anyone who could hear you.

Only me.

Behind the black paint is hollow glass building blocks.

Like this.

And these are excellent insulation against sound.

Screaming would only strain your vocal chords

and it would irritate me.

So please, my love, don't do it.

Because if you irritate me,

I may be tempted to use the blade on you

and I don't wanna do that.

Not yet.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry I had to tie you up. It was necessary at the time.

Oh, be...

Be still.

The least hurtful way to do this is with one quick pull, hmm?

(GRUNTS)

See?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Oh!

(TREMBLING)

Speak to me, my love.

I adore hearing that lovely voice in those commercials of yours.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

I've made us some tea.

Would you like some?

Darjeeling.

It's very nice.

(GASPING)

Where's Andy?

Andy?

Where is my husband?

You have no husband,

because the marriage has not been consummated.

But with regard to the man

I saw go through that bogus wedding in the church,

(LAUGHS) I left him in the shower.

He should be dry by now.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know that he's a policeman?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Well, I read all the marriage announcements.

Detective Andrew Parma. Mmm-hmm?

What do you want with me?

I'm devoted to you

and I desire your love.

And you will give it to me.

Now, your tea will be getting cold.

Don't tell me you're not thirsty. Come on, have a cup. Hmm?

Water.

I'll have some water.

(IN SING SONG VOICE) Silly, silly.

(GASPS) Light.

Can I have some real light in here?

I don't like the dark.

Please.

Perhaps.

Yes, perhaps you'll be nicer to me then?

(DOOR LOCKING)

(MELISSA GASPING)

Right on Wilshire, left on Sunset, right on Laurel.

This guy lives in the Hills.

Tubby, where the hell are you?

(TUBBY DRUMMING)

TUBBY: I never forget a face and I never forget a voice.

Do I have the pleasure of welcoming Sergeant Goodman?

Bear to the right a few degrees

and you will discover the fount of all knowledge.

(LAUGHING)

It must be over 200 degrees in this place.

Oh, the heat is good for you.

Melts the fat.

Cut the fat jokes, Tub.

I got a rush job for you. Wagner, Albert.

He had a brother called Billy. He...

Until he tried to take a cop's gun away from him.

Mmm. Delightful family.

I hear that his sweetheart of a brother

got out early for good behavior.

Do you want Albert's address

so you can add it to your Christmas card list?

How'd you guess?

(LAUGHS)

$100 of the taxpayers' money on account,

to cover the phone bills for my secret numbers.

$200 more

when I make your dream come true.

I really appreciate this, Mr. Varrick, and I'm sorry about having to...

Oh, what's the problem, Lieutenant?

I'm afraid I can't go into details. I can say

it involves one of the Hays.

Mrs. Hays? She looked pretty sickly to me.

No, to the best of my knowledge, Mrs. Hays is all right,

for the time being.

Mr. Hays? He is in some trouble.

And it might get worse.

What do you mean, "It might get worse"?

Emotionally and financially.

What does that mean? Can't you tell me something else?

I can say that it's serious.

Well, I like the guy.

Dotes on Melissa.

Wanted her to be a doctor before the fame happened.

Never even squawked. Gave her all kinds of support.

Yes, he's very fond of her.

Does Melissa know about this?

It would be best to keep it from her.

Well, what can I do?

I want copies of all the photos that you took at the wedding.

Church, reception, group pictures in particular.

What would you do with them if you had them?

Eliminate everyone who can be recognized.

I hope you'll help me with that.

All unknowns will be considered suspects.

My studio and lab are up here.

I have a session with Eileen Hacker at 8:00 this morning.

Maybe you met her at the reception.

The toughest editor in the business.

She's doing a six-page spread on the wedding

and she's got a deadline.

You're in luck.

My assistant's processing the stuff right now.

MAN: You were absolutely right.

The lamp does make it much nicer.

It's much more cozy.

That's it.

I knew you'd be thirsty with that awful tape on your mouth.

Have some more.

(DRAGS CHAIR)

I think I'm being very considerate.

Have a cookie.

How long are you going to keep me here?

That's better. Let's converse. We'll be civilized.

Um...

How long? In this room?

Till 3:00 in the afternoon and then we'll prepare.

3:45 was when my mother said she was married,

and that's precisely the time that we'll do it.

Do what?

You'll see, my love.

It'll be glorious.

It's a pity my mother can't be here to see it.

(YAWNING) Where's your mother?

She's had her throat cut.

She's in heaven, my love. She's waiting for us.

Did somebody kill her?

Uh, yes. My father.

He was a doctor, a surgeon.

Very famous.

I was gonna be a surgeon myself.

But some things are just not meant to be. (CHUCKLES)

Tell me about it.

He was a beast. He was

always bullying my mother, making her cry.

One day I heard them fighting in the bedroom.

That was the worst time.

I was eight years old, listening at the door,

and I heard her screaming.

Then it stopped.

And I ran into the room and there she was, she was laying on the bed.

It was all blood up here.

He'd cut this wide open with one of these.

Really?

And then he saw me and he did the same thing to himself.

That's it, my love, you rest.

I dissolved a sleeping pill in the mug before I brought it in.

It's very quick, very strong.

I'm going to have half of one myself.

Make me sleep a while.

And then I'll go to my work and we'll be refreshed.

We must be refreshed for the ceremony, mustn't we?

Lieutenant, these are the last two blown up group shots you asked for.

Mr. Varrick, I know you're tired, sir.

One more question.

Would you say everyone who was at the church and reception

is covered by the photos you're giving me?

Well, with these and the bunch over yonder, they're covered plenty.

Alex, if you want to have everything ready for your meeting,

I'd better get back to work. I have some catching up to do.

I surely appreciate the extra time you're spending.

Don't mention it. Nice wedding.

Mr. Varrick, when Mr. Hays hears about this,

he's gonna be as much in your debt as I am.

Well, I hope it works out for you both.

Yes. One more thing.

What's that?

Would you mind marking all the people you recognize

in these two new photographs?

Then I can snooze for an hour?

I hope so.

You know, these are wonderful for marking photographs.

Would it be all right if I borrowed one to take with me?

You know what, Lieutenant? Be my guest.

(YAWNING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(CAT MEOWING)

Check this guy against yours.

MULROONEY: I got this guy. You got this guy on your list there?

My sister, Marsha Finch. Her son and daughter, Mark, Veronica.

COLUMBO: Veronica.

And son, Mark.

Marsha Finch, children.

SHELDON: And this is Nathan Smyth, my accountant.

His wife, Rebecca. Melissa's godparents.

Nathan Smyth and Rebecca.

This is the last of everyone that my wife and I knew.

I better get back. She may be awake.

I left a note saying that I'd gone to the exercise room.

And another, shall we say, white lie, will be needed.

She's expecting Andy and Melissa to stop by before they go to the airport.

What time is it?

6:40, sir.

Doesn't look very promising for a ransom call, does it?

Well, you never know, sir. Indeed.

Morning, fellas.

Andy, what've you got?

Three faces unaccounted for.

One man, two women.

And you circled all the singles, like I said. Yep.

Sergeant? Two unidentified men. Singles. All circled.

That's three men, two women.

One man, one woman.

That's four men, three women.

Unidentified. I don't have any of those.

I have five singles.

We've covered everybody, right?

Cops, other friends of Andy's?

With the help of Varrick, we've accounted for

Melissa's friends, magazine people, models,

designers, editors, makeup and hair people,

everybody she invited.

And with the help of Mr. Hays,

we've accounted for family and friends,

husbands and wives, other couples.

What are we left with?

We're left with a bunch of identified singles

and seven faces nobody knows.

Four men and three women.

Look at this.

Here, "Norman Aylesbury. Single. Bring partner."

Here again, see it?

"Brenda Mosley. Single. Bring partner."

That leaves five singles on this page,

all with the same remark.

"Bring partner."

Three there, six there.

How many is that all together?

That's 15.

One, plus five, plus three, plus six. That's 15.

Yeah, 15.

We have 15 known singles that were invited to bring a partner.

Some did, some didn't.

We have seven unidentified faces.

Four men, three women.

We don't know which single brought which partner.

We're gonna have to check 'em, all 15, personally.

Call 'em, go see 'em, show 'em the photographs.

Have them identify the unidentified.

We're gonna need more guys to do the footwork.

It's time to get to the squad room.

It's a little early for the Captain, but I'm gonna call him.

See if he can spare some fellas.

(DIALING PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Andy, it's you who has to take it.

Hold it. Robert, the tape.

Got it.

This is Andy Parma.

(SIGHS)

Hold on, please. It's for you.

Goodman here.

Brother Wagner is at the Barclay Hotel, room 212.

Tubby. He's traced Wagner.

Are you sure it's him?

Jack, the night clerk, knows him.

And let's not have any trouble for Jack.

Like, he doesn't want Albert to hear who fingered him.

When did Wagner check in?

About midnight.

Alone?

With a chickie.

I'm sorry to bother you so early, Captain.

We need help.

Okay, Columbo. What's the problem?

Was the girl ambulatory?

(LAUGHING) Ambulatory?

Damn it, did she walk in or did he carry her?

Oh, why would he carry her?

On the other hand, it might have been a good idea.

Jack did say that she was spaced out.

Like she was on something.

Well, three guys could do it.

I'd sure appreciate it if you could spare 'em.

I should have been told about this earlier.

I didn't want to bother you till we had something positive.

Is there anything else I should know?

Jack said that he saw a nasty weapon

in Albert's belt as he helped the chickie up the stairs.

Right, Captain. I'll send Mulrooney over with the photos.

He'll have 'em copied. He'll tell the guys what's needed.

How long?

He'll be at the squad room, 20, 25 minutes.

So will I.

Tell him I'll expect a full report.

You'll have it, Captain.

Stop griping, Tubby. You know I always deliver.

No expense spared. Nope. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

COLUMBO: Where's Wagner?

Barclay Hotel, room 212.

You heard what I said to the Captain?

I sure did, Lieutenant. I'm on my way.

Let's go.

(SIGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(MELISSA READING)

"The tape is one of my favorites.

"See you after work.

"Soon, love, soon."

So you've gone to work, have you?

Good boy.

Oh! Andy, where are you?

Where are all those cops I married into?

(SIGHS)

Stop being silly, Melissa. Think!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

So that's your favorite music, is it?

Let's see about this window.

(GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Freeze! Police!

Don't move, you scum!

Where's my wife?

I'm gonna get you, you pig.

Talk! Or you're dead meat. Now, where is she?

COLUMBO: Hold it, Andy!

(TREMBLING)

We're the police. What's your name?

Sam. Sam?

Samantha.

How long have you known this man, Samantha?

Last night. Just last night.

Where'd you meet him?

Bar. In a bar.

What time, miss?

I don't know.

9:00? 10:00? 11:00?

The ball game was on TV.

Did you spend the evening with this man?

(CRYING) He had some stuff and I needed a fix really bad.

Shut your trap! Shut yours!

Bitch!

(MUSIC STOPS)

What were you doing before you came here?

Drinking beer.

He gave you this?

Yes. Can I have it?

Book him.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING)

(SCOFFS) I'm beginning to like that stuff.

You're cracking up, Melissa.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God! Help me, God.

Why did he let it rust? Why didn't he oil it?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Rust.

Vinegar kills rust.

Vinegar does this, vinegar does that.

Oh, thank you, Mother dear, for all the lectures, and thank you, God.

First the vinegar.

Now, let it soak, Melissa.

Don't rush it.

Give it time.

Then the oil.

You found all 15?

Yeah, with the help of these three guys.

Some of the singles weren't too happy. Still sleeping off the party.

This isn't a holiday camp. How about you three get back to your desks?

Thanks a lot, fellas.

What's the breakdown?

I marked them all on the guest list.

Nine went without partners. Six took partners with them.

Everyone's accounted for here on the guest list,

all the singles are circled and crossed

and six of the identified partners circled and crossed.

That accounts for six of the seven unknowns.

And here's the one that's left.

COLUMBO: 30 to 35. Blonde.

Last pew. Sitting alone.

Good looking guy.

Tall, about 180 pounds. Let's take a closer look.

Yeah, he's good looking, all right.

Give me.

No joy on the fingerprints?

Half a dozen different sets on the door.

All kinds on the fire exit area.

Nothing in criminal records, Captain.

I don't know what you're waiting for, Columbo.

We got one clear shot here.

Blow it up, copy it, rush it to every TV station in town, every newspaper.

You want to find the guy, that's the way to get moving on it.

I got some interest in this. Let me look at this guy close.

You bet.

Don't look good looking to me.

CAPTAIN: Me, neither.

We got no ransom call.

Nothing came through the hookup on the hotel phone.

Forget ransom.

I know what you guys have been thinking from the start,

but you wouldn't say it to me.

Well, let's not kid ourselves any longer.

Weirdo, right?

Okay, okay, okay, let's say this guy is some freak

and he sees himself on TV.

What might that make him do, Captain?

I don't like saying this to you, Andy,

but what's he gonna do he wouldn't do anyway?

It might make him do it quicker.

There's something else, Captain.

Mrs. Hays, Melissa's mother, she's a very sick woman.

She knows nothing yet.

I promised Mr. Hays not to do it this way.

What else is there?

What time is it?

Six minutes after 9:00.

We couldn't do it before, but we can do it now.

They're open now.

What are you talking about? Who's open?

Car dealers.

There's one witness you don't know about, Captain.

This guy, Bailey.

He saw a white van at the back of the hotel,

near the fire exit about the time it happened.

All he says he saw is a white van.

But people sometimes see more than they thought they saw.

Maybe if we could jog his memory,

he could come up with something more specific.

Let me have those three extra guys.

We'll hit every dealer in town.

Get brochures of every type van.

Show 'em to Bailey. We might get lucky.

You got 'em. You three, you're with Lieutenant Columbo.

Thanks a million, Captain. Let's go.

Let's go!

ANDY: Santa Monica Boulevard, Sarge.

There's a stack of manufacturers. Nothing else for blocks.

Better than Washington Boulevard?

Yeah, they're all closer together.

What about Ventura?

No, Santa Monica's better. I live around there.

Bought my Mustang from a used car dealer on that block.

They're all there. Chevrolet, Chrysler,

Dodge, Ford, Nissan, Toyota, you name it.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

GOODMAN: What's up, Lieutenant?

I just remembered where Varrick is.

You boys carry on.

I'll know where to find you.

Just carry on.

Carry on.

Taxi!

(SIGHING) More oil, Melissa.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, come on, baby. Come on.

(GASPING)

JANET: Absolutely not, sir.

Ms. Hacker and Mr. Varrick are in conclave.

Conclave, ma'am?

Ms. Hacker has a deadline to meet

and has left strict instructions

not to be disturbed under any circumstances.

Mr. Varrick knows me. Just tell him I'm here.

She said not under any circumstances.

This is an urgent circumstance.

You're not going to arrest either of them, are you?

You must be joking, ma'am.

Of course. Come back this afternoon.

Ma'am, which door is it?

I mean, my goodness,

you don't want me to have to try all of them, do you?

Sir!

Ms. Eileen Hacker!

Forgive me, ma'am, for arriving unannounced.

Alex told me about you. He said you were the best.

Boy, look at this layout!

I'm the groom's uncle, ma'am,

and I can tell you that Melissa,

she's gonna go to the moon when she sees what you're doing for her.

Good morning, Alex.

How are you after our night together?

Alex, you know this bundle of fun?

Alex is just fine, Lieutenant.

Eileen, if you want someone to break into Fort Knox,

Lieutenant Columbo is your man.

You wouldn't guess it, but he's a police detective.

What can I do for you?

And uncle or not, will you please make it quick?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

We wouldn't wanna worry Melissa on her honeymoon, would we?

I should certainly hope not. She's a delightful girl.

And in order to avoid worrying her,

I have to pick up something from Mr...

Alex, real quick.

A little matter concerning her father.

He'll tell you about it after you meet your deadline.

I'm consumed by curiosity.

(LAUGHS) Especially about the night you spent together.

(LAUGHING) Did we... Did we miss something?

Yeah, that's it.

What? That smile, right there.

When you had your arm around Melissa with that look of yours,

when you gave your camera to Andy.

Where's that picture?

Oh, yes, the one of me and Melissa

and the other shots in the lobby.

I didn't remember myself, until I couldn't find me anywhere.

Then I realized it was on part of a roll that was still in the camera.

Here, here they are. Yeah. I can't imagine what use they'd be to you.

Oh, I love that one of Melissa and Alex.

Simply divine. That's definitely going in.

The discovery and the discoverer.

Do either of you recognize this man?

ALEX: No, I've never seen him before.

I've no idea who he is.

Uh...

Could I borrow a magnifying glass?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh...

Let me ask you,

do you think I could borrow this picture for a couple of hours?

Well, it's not one of my best.

Andy looks good, but you can barely see anything of Melissa's face.

Yeah, you can keep it. Don't you agree, Eileen?

That's a discard if ever I saw one.

Well, thank you very much, I...

I appreciate the time, Ms. Hacker. It's been a real pleasure.

And when this issue hits the stand,

I'm gonna pick not one up, two.

One for my wife. She's gonna love it.

Thanks. Alex, I owe you another.

Okay. Good luck.

That's as good as we're gonna get.

Can we see it under a magnifier?

Moving right along, Lieutenant. Moving right along.

How's it look?

Take a peek.

"R-A-M-S-E-Y."

This guy went to Ramsey College.

Know Ramsey College?

Ramsey College? Sure, I know it. It's out near Pomona.

(GRUNTING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

The evidence of a college ring is not much to go on.

I mean, there are thousands of them in existence.

Without a name, I don't see how I can help you.

Yearbooks. If he was here,

there might be a photo in a yearbook.

Possibly.

I get the feeling this is an urgent matter.

We have reason to believe he abducted this officer's wife.

The college library.

That's where you can find the yearbooks.

Thank you, sir.

Who the blazes is it?

No damn rest.

(KNOCK ON WINDOW)

What the heck are you doing here?

Nice house, Bill.

Don't give me none of that bull.

This is my sister's place.

It's a good thing she ain't here.

She'd have chewed your butt off for trying to get at me.

I'm working tonight.

Bill, how would you like to save a life?

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTS) Stupid.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

The window is wedged. It only opens a few inches.

We have to have some ventilation in this place.

Don't we, my love?

You look surprised to see me.

I had a slight problem at my work.

They let me go early.

Some people don't appreciate me as they should.

But you do, don't you?

(LAUGHS)

(TREMBLING)

Your makeup's a mess.

And your hands, they're filthy.

What a shame.

Yes, you've spoilt everything.

We'll have to bring the ceremony forward.

We'll have to freshen you up,

'cause you must look your best.

And as a special treat, you'll have the pleasure

of watching me change my clothes.

We must both look our best for the wedding.

What wedding?

Ours.

I'm already married.

Not really.

You'll only truly be married when you're married to me, my love.

Anything like this?

(YAWNING) No. Wasn't that.

That's a pickup with a little camper on it,

like my sister's boy has. I'd know that anywhere.

Anything like this?

That's a bakery truck. It's too tall.

How about this minibus?

It wasn't any kind of bus at all. Didn't have all them windows.

How about this?

I don't think so.

This is 1982.

Unless the guy was the biggest dummy of all time,

he couldn't have been here after that.

Look at this.

Without the long hair.

GOODMAN: That's him. What's it say?

"Rudy 'Doc' Strassa is headed for pre-med.

"Voted most likely to dissect a friend."

He's a doctor.

The son of a bitch could be a doctor.

So there might have been a window? You never saw the front?

I told you a hundred times, I seen the back.

Did it have a window in the back

like this?

All I could see was one little window.

But there could have been two, like this?

It wasn't red, it was white.

Forget about the color for a minute. Is this the style of it?

Uh, maybe. Sort of.

Is this sort of what you saw?

That's it! That's what I seen!

Are you sure about that, Bill?

I swear on a stack of Bibles.

Look at this, Bill.

(GASPING) I'll be doggone. That's an ambulance.

Let me look.

Loosen up the left side a little. It's too severe.

I adore you with that slightly disheveled look.

Much better.

And now the lipstick.

This is one of my favorite shades on you.

Let me try.

See how good it looks with white?

We are gonna be a perfect match.

Now it's your turn.

And then after the lipstick and the mascara,

and then the eyebrows, a touch of bloom on the cheeks...

And then into the wedding dress,

and on with the nuptials.

(HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH)

Hmm?

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Thank you, sir.

Have you ever heard of anyone called Rudy or Rudolph Strassa?

MAN ON PHONE: Strassa? No, no way.

Are you sure?

(CLEARING THROAT) No, he's not a red-nosed reindeer.

All I'm asking is, did he graduate from your medical school?

I know you don't know yet, lady.

I just want to ask it one more time.

You've been checking your records for 10 minutes.

It's an easy name, under "S" for Strassa.

Well, thank you, sir. I surely appreciate that.

Perhaps you could ask around your people.

If you have any news, please call us back. Much obliged.

This was my dear mother's.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, so skittish. Like a thoroughbred.

Hmm. Be still, be still.

The sooner this is over, the sooner you'll be at peace, my love.

(SCATTING THE WEDDING MARCH)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Yes, sir, Strassa! Right! Rudy.

(CHATTERING STOPS)

He's one of your ambulance drivers, is he, sir?

You fired him this morning? I see.

So he went off with one of your ambulances last night, did he?

Would that be around 10:30?

I see.

Perhaps you have an address where we might reach him, sir.

Mmm, these are the best silk.

Pure white.

It will soon be so lovely for us in here,

when we consummate our marriage.

So close together. So very close.

And then afterwards, in the quiet moments afterwards...

I'll have to do what was done to my dear mother.

You'll hardly feel it. I'm very precise.

This is the real one.

You'll remove the fake thing from your finger.

No.

(GASPS)

Off with it, my love.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together in the sight of God to join these two people...

I, Rudolph Arnold Strassa,

take you, Melissa Alexandra Hays...

We sure got some heavy artillery in support, Captain.

You bet.

Be too bad if the guy heard us coming.

We want to get there fast, don't we?

Oh, no doubt about that, Captain.

I'll cut the sirens when we get a little closer.

That'd be fairly soon, wouldn't it?

Say it. Never.

Say, "I, Melissa Alexandra Hays, take you, Rudy..."

Never!

You can kill me, you creep, but I will never say that!

(WHIMPERING)

Not yet, my love. I mustn't complete it now.

Not yet. There's more to do.

But I will cut by degrees, if necessary, until the end.

Now, give me your left hand.

There.

Whether you say it or not, you're mine.

And now to bed.

Yeah.

Get there out of sight, surround the place,

cover doors, windows, roofs, stairwells, every damn thing.

Then, bam! Hit him all at once.

Freezes the bastards in their tracks every time.

Yeah, that's a good way to do it.

I've seen that work and I've seen people get hurt.

This might be a bit different,

it being Melissa, a cop's wife. Andy's wife.

Are you telling me my job, Columbo?

No way, Captain. No, sir.

But when, you know, so many guys in uniform

and three of them are young guys

who haven't been on the force six months,

someone might, you know, accidentally give it away.

Get to it.

How about an extra five, ten minutes before you bring in the main force?

You hold them in reserve.

We've been on this so long,

a few extra moments doesn't cost much.

How about it, Captain?

As a favor to Andy.

You're breaking my heart.

Okay, cut the sirens.

Keep that clean.

Don't want to see too much blood just yet.

Mama wouldn't like it.

STRASSA: (WHISPERING) Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Soon, my love.

Soon.

(GRUNTING)

Hold up!

(YELLING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

ANDY: Okay.

Secure the area.

(CHATTERING)

Easy, take it easy.

Easy, hon. I got you.

What time is it?