Original subtitles

You weren't supposed to keep a key.

Do you have insurance coverage?

What if something happened to your loved one?

That was one of the things we agreed to, Freddy.

That I'm not supposed to keep a key to my own house?

This is not the house you live in anymore.

(SIGHS) Let's just get this over with, all right?

I don't have a lot of time.

Freddy, what was so important that it couldn't wait?

Nance, we got a lot of things to discuss, all right?

My lawyer says he sent the final decree to you over a month ago

and you haven't signed it yet. I'd like to know why.

Freddy, I have got a date, and I'm not even half ready.

And, you know, I regret that I ever agreed to this.

What, the divorce?

No, not the divorce.

So, what's the big deal? I mean, just come back another time.

No! Nance, I'm here, okay? (SIGHS)

We're gonna talk.

I thought you wanted to get this over with.

I do. I just don't understand why it has to be now, this minute.

So, what time is the date?

Do you mind if I finish my hair while we talk?

Go ahead.

Thank you! You're welcome.

I haven't signed because we agreed (HAIR DRYER WHIRRING)

On something that's not in the papers.

(INAUDIBLE)

Can you hear me?

Freddy, can you hear me?

FREDDY: Loud and clear.

Well, why did you renege?

We agreed that you have to pay your debt.

Mmm-hmm.

What?

You mean our debt.

No, I mean your debt.

You borrowed that money, not me.

I mean, you just had to have all that equipment.

Wow. Look, we have discussed this, Freddy,

and then you agreed, I think,

"Great! Well, now it's final."

But then, you change your mind.

I mean, how many times do we have to go over the same thing?

FREDDY: Huh.

NANCY: (SCOFFS) It never fails.

Just when I'm ready to go out,

something always comes up.

Huh. I hate being rushed like this.

Hey, five bucks.

Did you say something?

You know, this isn't just me talking, Freddy, but my lawyer.

That debt was acquired by you,

on your own, as an individual.

FREDDY: Yeah, all me.

Geez.

Prior to our marriage.

Yeah, by about six weeks.

NANCY: What?

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Freddy, I can't hear you if you don't speak up.

Freddy?

Come on, 11. Come on, 11.

(SIGHS) Come on, 11.

Come on, baby, yeah.

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes, come on, 11. Come on, please.

Please, yes, come on.

Come on, give me 11. Give me 11.

Come on, come on.

Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(EXCLAIMS) Yes!

Freddy? (CLEARS THROAT)

Lottery. Mmm-hmm.

How'd you do? Not bad.

(STUTTERING) I picked three, won five bucks.

Oh. Do you... You play? You buy a ticket?

No. No.

You know, I... I think your hair looks nice that way.

Freddy, it's one thing to split our assets 50-50,

but I don't think I should be asked to go 50-50 on your debt.

I mean, it was never my obligation. Is that so?

Well, that's just not the way I see it, Nance. That's obvious.

No. You know, it's like this money that I borrowed,

the debt that we're talking about,

was so that I could set up a photography business.

You know, the same business that we lived on

for three years while we were married.

You know, it's the same business

that I still break my back trying to run.

Oh, please. It's the same business that allows me

to pay you money every month,

while we argue over this silly divorce that you wanted.

(STUTTERING) You know, it's the same business that bought this house,

and your robe, and this furniture,

and probably even these ridiculous-Iooking slippers.

Freddy! No, no, Nance. Here's the thing.

You know, if you don't see it that way, that's fine,

because I'm not gonna fight you on this.

I'll spend just as much money on legal fees

trying to collect from you

as if I just assumed your half of the debt.

So it's over, okay? Okay.

Divorce granted. I'm gonna change the papers.

Case closed. Good night, good luck.

Have a nice date, have a nice life.

Freddy?

(LAUGHING) Oh, God!

Yeah!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTING)

Here, hold it.

That's it, touch it,

feel it.

Feel the history.

From the year 1674, from Mother Russia.

A gift to the czarina at sweet 16, from her father.

Oh.

A total of 18 karats of emeralds.

The setting is platinum, of course.

The artistry is magnificent, you can see that.

The craftsman must have been an inspired man.

Certainly a God-gifted one.

Mrs. Weatherford, Mr. Weatherford,

this is more than a unique piece of jewelry.

It takes my breath away, Mr. Lamarr.

Your breath and the education of the grandchildren.

Our grandchildren have parents, darling.

Thank the good Lord.

And all of them gainfully employed, the last time I looked.

It's a real nice piece, Lamarr.

Let us think about it.

As you wish.

The education of his grandchildren?

Doesn't that fathead realize he'd be buying an investment?

What does he think this is, a fish market?

Am I losin' my touch, or is it just this damn recession?

Mr. Lamarr, the information from your broker just came in.

Do you want to see it?

Do I want to see it? Ha! Yeah, I want to see it.

The broker's secretary said to make sure

to tell you that he'll be in his office.

I'm dead broke.

I'm broke.

God.

Uncle Leon, I got a problem.

Ah.

I got a big problem.

Uncle Leon, you're the only person

I've ever been able to turn to, to trust.

You know that.

You tell me one of your problems,

I'll tell you one of mine.

At the end of the day, if anyone's left standing they'll win a prize.

Okay. And I start?

Go.

I just won $30 million in the lottery.

Yes, I can see how that could be a problem for you, Freddy.

No, Uncle Leon, I'm serious.

I'm sure. Uncle Leon, look at me.

I'm serious. As God as my witness,

I just won Wednesday night's lottery.

The jackpot was $30 million.

No one else has the winning numbers. The whole thing is mine.

Every penny, every cent, mine.

I got proof.

Well...

(LAUGHS) Well?

Thirty million.

30,435,885 to be exact.

Doggone, this is amazing.

I find it hard to grasp.

You're telling me.

$30 million, all goin' to my little nephew, Freddy Brower.

My favorite nephew.

I know that for a fact, Uncle Leon.

No arguments there.

(LAUGHING) Well, Freddy, my boy.

For once in my life I find myself at a loss for words.

You don't have to say anything, Uncle Leon.

I know how you feel.

You said you had a little problem here.

You were kiddin' me, weren't you?

No, sir.

I got a little $15 million problem.

You've lost me now.

Nancy.

Nancy? What's she got to do with it? I thought...

We're not divorced yet. What?

What I didn't say is, that if I go down there

to collect the $30 million,

the next thing you know, half of it's gonna wind up

in Nancy's personal bank account.

Oh.

Would you agree I have a little problem?

Let's take a walk, Freddy.

I'll think better in the fresh air.

Tell me, Freddy, who else have you told about your windfall?

Nobody.

Nobody at all? Nobody.

Look, Uncle Leon, I've been walkin' around in a daze

ever since Wednesday night.

I don't know if I've eaten, I don't know if I've slept,

but one thing I know for sure

is I haven't told anybody anything.

That's very good. Good, Freddy, very good.

Why? What are you thinking about?

A switch.

A switch?

Substitution.

What do you mean?

It's not exactly legal, I'm afraid.

We'd both be running a little risk.

But I think it's the only possible solution.

Let's hear it.

I cash in the ticket.

You?

Just as if I'd bought it.

I get the 30 million.

And then?

And then...

(LAUGHS) I give the money to you.

We can do that?

I mean, that would work?

Why not?

I don't know.

Yeah, I... I guess it would. Wouldn't it?

It's not really that complicated, Freddy.

You give me the ticket, I cash it in,

and the lottery people give me the money and I give it to you.

And Nancy never has to know.

Bingo.

All right.

This is good. I like it.

Wouldn't you rather have all the money now,

while you're still young and you can get all the pleasure out of it?

Yes.

Or would you rather have it dribbled out to you over 20 years?

No, I would like it right now, when I can enjoy it.

I'd like it right now, right here in my hand.

Well, that's your prerogative, Freddy.

It's your money. You can do whatever you please with it.

As a matter of fact,

I know some people who might be interested in a transaction like this.

Of course it could take a little time.

I probably could broker the deal myself.

You know, get a few dollars for my trouble.

I'll take care of you, Uncle Leon.

10% off the top.

That's very generous of you, Freddy, but I...

But nothing.

Now, I don't want to hear any more about that, okay?

As you wish. Many thanks.

Forget it. Okay.

You really think this will work?

I do.

You sure? I am.

Okay.

I think, though, that maybe we should have something in writing.

I mean, kind of an informal agreement about what we're doing.

In case...

Old Uncle Leon ups and drops dead,

clutchin' the winning ticket in his rigor mortis hands?

Uncle Leon, I...

Of course I'm gonna give you a letter, Freddy.

What do you think?

I wouldn't do this unless you have a written agreement.

(CHUCKLES) Now then,

I gotta know all the details

in case they ask me some questions,

how could I answer?

Like, "Where'd you buy the ticket?

"What day? What time?"

(CORK POPS)

(SINGING) I'm in the money

(HUMMING TUNE)

(WHISTLES)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

I'm in the money

(EXHALES)

BLITZ: (ON TV) ... great show for you tonight,

and I can't wait to meet my special guest,

the only holder of the $30 million lottery ticket.

The only one!

Do you realize what that means?

He doesn't have to share the money with anybody

except maybe his wife.

Unless he wants to sleep in the bathtub tonight.

(LAUGHS) Wow!

Okay, it's time for a few requests.

Impersonations of famous Hollywood celebrities.

Come on, anybody, anyone, huh? WOMAN: Freddy? Freddy?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(MUTING)

Freddy? Freddy?

Freddy, did you know your uncle's on television?

Oh, that's the show.

Oh, yeah. I was... I was sort of watchin'.

Freddy, is that champagne you're drinking?

(STUTTERS) Don't get up.

I know where you keep the glasses.

Trish, the door.

Freddy! Freddy!

Your uncle, he's on the tube! Oh, God.

TRISH: Champagne!

Oh, great! (LAUGHING)

Hey, everybody, there's a party in Freddy's place!

Come on, come on. Oh, man.

Freddy's uncle just win $30 million.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

OTTO: Hey, Freddy, introduce me to your uncle, okay?

What would he want to meet you for?

Freddy, Freddy, congratulations! Way to go!

I'll get some glasses.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

McGinty, could you control your creature?

(CHATTERING)

Oh, relax, Freddy.

He's cute.

Those are my photographs.

What's the matter, Freddy? Let him hang out.

He's havin' a good time, he's not bothering anybody.

Right, Georgey? Yeah, sure.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(LAUGHS)

What did she say?

Mama thinks you got a nose like an artichoke.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I love an old lady who speaks her mind.

I'd love some champagne.

Freddy, do we have a problem here?

I think I might have one more bottle.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, the MC just finished his monologue.

He's applauding himself.

(ALL LAUGHING) Hurry, Freddy!

McGINTY: Your uncle's already loaded, isn't he?

Ha! The rich get richer.

OTTO: Yeah, you should've won the lottery, Freddy.

You could use it.

Well, that's life.

SHARI: Yeah, being broke.

GEORGEY: Can you imagine to win $30 million?

LEDA: Mmm! I can imagine spending it.

SHARI: Great.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

WANDA: What's your uncle like, Freddy?

My uncle is a great guy.

OTTO: Yeah, well, let's hope he's a great guy.

SHARI: Bring him over. Bring him over.

OTTO: Let's see how great a guy he is.

LEDA: Absolutely, bring him on down.

SHARI: Love you, Lamarr!

Freddy, aren't you just a wee bit envious of your uncle?

I have my art.

What would I do with all that money?

BLITZ: (ON TV) Ladies and gentlemen,

here is the moment we have all been waiting for.

(ALL CHEERING)

I don't know about you, folks,

but that's the biggest check I've ever seen.

OTTO: Thirty mil and change.

BLITZ: And it all belongs to Leon Lamarr!

Leon! Whoo! Oh, okay, quiet, everybody.

Here he comes, there he is.

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo! All right!

McGINTY: A lot to smile about.

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

To Leon, the greatest uncle a guy ever had.

ALL: To Leon! Yay!

Leon!

Way to go, Unc.

Your daughter wants to know if she can buy the sports car

she pointed out to you yesterday,

when you were driving to the restaurant.

The red one?

Mmm, she didn't mention the color.

Well, you tell her if it's the red one, it's all right.

Okay.

The Society for Homeless Pets would like to honor you.

Pass.

A group called Geese for Lithuania wants...

Geese?

Maybe they meant "Peace."

Pass.

Freddy Brower called.

What'd he want?

Well, he swore it wasn't money.

Well, bless his heart, it'd be the first one today.

He said he had something to talk to you about.

Not an investment opportunity,

not a charity he's connected with

and could you meet with him sometime this afternoon?

Well, tell him this afternoon's impossible.

I'll call him on the way home.

All right. The Reverend Hue San Kim...

Pass.

(TIMER TICKING)

(TIMER RINGS)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? LAMARR: Freddy!

Hey, Unc. How you doing?

Just fine, Freddy, just fine.

How are you?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I'm goin' a little crazy these days.

How so, boy? What, are you kidding?

I'm waiting to get my hands

on the better part of $30 million,

and in the meantime I gotta borrow money to pay the rent.

You think that's easy?

(STUTTERING) So, what's the good word?

What's our timeframe look like?

Well, probably a couple of more weeks, Freddy.

Two more weeks?

Well, you didn't think they were gonna let me cash in

that great big cardboard check you saw on TV, did you?

Seriously, Freddy,

if you hadn't wanted me to make the cash-now deal...

I know, I know. I know, but...

I made the contact. The deal is in the works.

Now, listen to me, old son.

You're gonna have to dig down and find a little more patience.

In two more weeks, Freddy,

you're gonna be a millionaire, boy. Many times over.

You just think about that.

I am, Uncle Leon, I am.

You better believe I think about that

every minute of every hour of every day.

Oh, Lord, have I been busy today!

Oh, you have no idea, Leon.

None.

Community meetings, charity benefits,

political fund-raising.

Oh! It isn't as though I wasn't active

before we won the $30 million.

And, darling, don't you find it surprising

that we have suddenly gained

a very large number of new and wonderfully close friends?

Remarkably surprising.

But I've got an idea on that regard.

I am all ears.

Not all, sweetie.

(CHUCKLING) Naughty.

How about a party?

(GASPS) Wonderful. I love parties.

To celebrate our new-found wealth

and our delightful new friends.

Perfect. When shall we do it?

What about Halloween, huh?

Costume party? What do you think?

Oh, a stunning idea!

Oh, we shall have such fun.

Should we have a theme?

How about "Come dressed as your favorite millionaire

"other than yourself?" (GASPS)

Wonderful! Brilliant! I love it!

Oh! Halloween!

Oh, my dear, that's only two weeks from now.

I have really got to get myself going.

Let's see, the invitation list,

the parking, the caterers...

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GASPS) Oh, sir,

I am positively overwhelmed with your presence.

Enjoy your bath, baby. You got plenty of time.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, very impressive.

(THANKING IN FRENCH)

Thank you. DRESSER: Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, my!

Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

All right.

Oh! Honey! Sugar! Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

That is splendid.

BOY: Come on, hurry up, Wendy.

Okay, I'm coming!

(CHATTERING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Long time, no see, Uncle Leon.

Well, how you doing, boy?

Am I disturbing you? Anybody here?

No. Come on in.

Hey, you look beautiful, man.

What are you, a doorman?

Oh, hell, I'm King George.

(LAUGHS)

So, where's the money?

(LAUGHS) I thought a toast would be in order, Your Lordship.

Ain't that the truth.

Hey, who is this? (CHATTERING)

Oh, that's Joe.

How you doin', Joe?

I'm chimp-sitting for a friend who's on vacation.

So, where's the money?

It's downstairs, locked in the trunk of my car.

You're kidding.

My German Shepherd's in the back seat.

Ah, okay. That's good.

Do you know how long it took me to count that money, boy?

(LAUGHING) I bet it wasn't fast.

Well, now, if you don't mind, son,

I'd like to have that letter of agreement back.

The what?

That letter we both signed.

You know, your insurance policy,

telling what we were gonna do with your lottery ticket.

Oh, that. Yes, that.

That's under the mattress.

Well, that's a good choice.

Now, Your Highness, would you like me to open this bottle for you?

You bet. I'll get the glasses.

(EXCLAIMS)

(CHATTERING)

(SCREECHING)

(JOE CHATTERING)

(SCREECHING)

(COUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CHATTERING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(CHATTERING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Ah, you're the most beautiful queen of my heart.

Come here.

This is my wife. Welcome.

Hello.

It is my pleasure. (CHUCKLES)

LAMARR: Oh, sweetie, thank you. I'm glad you could come.

Your Excellency, I'm honored.

Good evening. Good evening.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, just one minute.

Mr. Lamarr, it's your nephew, sir.

Oh, Leon, hurry back.

Perle Mesta, I do believe.

Yes, Freddy? Is anything the matter?

Well, that's fine. 10:00 is fine.

Sure. We'll barely be getting started then.

You bet.

Well, hurry up, now.

I love you, Leon. I love you so much.

MAN: Hi, Leon. Hi.

It's Freddy. He's gonna be late, honey.

COLUMBO: Sure, I mean, that's a frightening thing.

But you're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be just fine.

Just take it easy and relax.

That's right, that's good.

You have such a wonderful, natural way

with wild animals, Lieutenant.

A very unusual and attractive quality in a man.

Well, I wouldn't call this guy exactly a wild animal.

Well, I meant not a purely domesticated creature,

like a dog or a cat.

I like animals.

As do I, Lieutenant. We have that in common.

Which is why, when I heard

poor little Joey here crying so pathetically,

I just had to try to do something.

You would have done as much, I'm sure.

Oh, I hope so, ma'am.

So, that's when you came down and knocked?

Mmm-hmm.

But the only response I got was from little Joey here.

And that's when you called the police, is that right, ma'am?

Trish.

Yes, I think it was just about 8:30.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Trish.

I live just downstairs, Lieutenant.

I'm a poet.

A poet? Mmm-hmm.

Oh! And a potter.

Ah-ha! And a potter.

Well, I'm gonna have to check something out with the boys, so...

Oh, certainly.

Do you think that you could...

Oh! Here. Of course.

Look! He took my badge!

Joey!

He lifted that badge, and I never felt it.

You could be a real menace in the street, baby.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, if I can be of any further help, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Trish.

Trish.

He drowned in the tub? Yeah.

Takin' a bath. Slipped.

Hit his head.

Yeah, happens all the time.

Taking a bath. Okay.

Well, there's the soap.

What's this?

Bath oil, yeah. Okay.

Wash cloth. All right, good.

No... back brush?

No. Mmm-hmm.

You guys use a back brush?

No, no. No.

You don't know what you're missin'.

Well, there's his pants and his shoes.

No socks?

Hamper.

Oh, yeah, socks. Well, good, okay.

Bath oil. Right.

We're thinking that's how he might've bought it.

Wouldn't have been the first one, either.

Mmm-hmm, right.

Bath oil clings to the porcelain,

victim climbs in... Or out.

Foot slips out from under him and wham!

Down and out.

Well, look at this.

You got somethin' there, Lieutenant?

Skin conditioner. Best used after the bath.

You may be right, but not according to this guy.

You know, the wash cloth was bone-dry.

Yeah, well, we figure he slipped

as he was reaching for the cloth,

dropped it as he fell backwards.

Uh-huh. Well, it could be.

But then he would be gettin' in.

Whoa, look at that watch.

BRAVERMAN: Yeah.

COLUMBO: 8:04.

LANCER: Medical Examiner will probably be able

to confirm the time of death just around there, I'd guess.

Uh-huh.

Just want to check.

Well, what do you know about that.

Okay, bag that and get it down to the lab immediately.

No problem, Lieutenant.

(LAUGHS)

Aw.

Lieutenant, turns out this guy is in the middle of a divorce.

Is that so?

Wife's name is Nancy Ellen Brower.

Her address and phone number.

His lawyer, her lawyer,

interlocutory, last year's tax return.

Doesn't look like it was too nasty,

but then again, you can't believe lawyers' letters.

No, no, you can't. Yeah.

Oh, and the phone company called

with your information that you wanted.

Brower's last call was made at 8:01 tonight.

8:01?

Well, that's just three minutes before he...

Yeah. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Yeah, here one minute and gone the next.

Call went to a guy, the name of Leon Lamarr.

Beverly Hills.

Call was under a minute.

Here's his address and his phone number.

(CAR BACKFIRING)

(GASPS) Look, Cleopatra!

Oh, yes! Wonderful!

Oh! And Colonel Sanders!

(CHUCKLING) John!

Is that the chicken?

I haven't the foggiest idea.

Who am I? I forget.

Oh, now, that's imaginative.

Oh, that's particularly good.

Bravo, sir, bravo!

Who's he supposed to be?

An eccentric millionaire, silly.

It was a perfect condo with a beautiful view,

and Saint Peter said to this old couple,

"It's yours for eternity, rent-free."

Well, the wife was deliriously happy,

but her husband groaned and made a terrible face.

She said to him,

"Elmo, sweetie, don't you like Heaven?"

"Like it?", he said, "Hell, I love it.

"If it hadn't been for you and that damn oat bran,

"we could have been here ten years ago."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cute! It's the only clean one I know.

Oh, look at that unusual costume, Leon.

That's Mr. Lamarr in the King George costume.

Isn't he clever?

He's certainly unique.

Excuse me, sir,

I understand that you're the host of this party.

Leon Lamarr.

I don't believe I know you, sir.

No, sir, no, you don't.

No, I'm... I'm with the police, sir.

(LAUGHING) That's not for real, is it?

It certainly looks real.

Oh, it's for real, sir. Yeah, yeah, that's me right there.

Lieutenant Columbo. I'm with the LAPD.

Have we been getting too rowdy here?

(LAUGHS) Oh. No. No, no, no, sir, no.

No, I wonder, could we find a place a little bit more private?

Sure.

So, what's on your mind?

Not serious, is it, Lieutenant?

Sir, did you receive a telephone call this evening

from a man named Fred Brower?

Freddy? My nephew.

Your nephew, sir?

Yeah. Why?

Well, something happen?

What time was that call? Around 8:00?

Yeah, about that.

And what was the purpose of the call?

Well, he called to ask whether he could be late to the party.

I said, "Fine. Hurry up."

Oh, he was coming here, sir? Tonight?

Yes, he was invited.

What is this?

Was there an accident?

It would appear that way, sir, yes.

What do you mean "appear"? Tell me what happened.

Well, I'm afraid it's very bad news, sir.

What?

Your nephew is dead. I'm very sorry.

Oh, my God.

No. I...

No, I just spoke to him...

Well, how did it happen?

Was it a car accident?

Had he been drinkin'? Was that it?

No, sir, no.

It was an accident in his home, in the studio.

Apparently he was taking a bath,

and he slipped and he fell and hit his head.

He drowned, sir.

Oh, dear God.

I can't believe this.

Freddy was my favorite nephew.

He was more than that, he was

like a son to us.

Freddy, dead.

How am I gonna tell Martha?

I just...

Freddy...

He was my brother Lawrence's son.

His only child.

Lawrence and his wife, Betty, that's Freddy's mama,

killed in a plane crash when he was just a kid.

He was 13 or 14.

Poor little tyke.

He just fell apart.

Martha and I tried to step in.

We... We tried.

God, what a tragedy.

Does Nancy know?

Would that be his wife, sir?

Ex-wife.

No, sir, no. She doesn't know yet.

Maybe I should tell her.

I think it probably would be better for us to do that, sir.

Yeah, you're right. Right.

She probably won't even shed a tear.

It was a terrible marriage.

God knows whose fault it was.

Oh, Freddy.

Poor, innocent, irresponsible,

wonderful Freddy.

(SOBBING)

Well, I'm very sorry, sir,

to have had to bring you this very sad news.

Thank you.

I can find my way out.

(EXHALING)

Lieutenant Columbo?

Oh, Mrs. Brower?

Yes.

You've come about Freddy, haven't you?

Yes, ma'am.

I heard late last night.

Evidently one of the tenants in the building

contacted a mutual friend of ours

who was vacationing in Canc�n.

Meyer McGinty.

Oh, and he's the gentleman that owns the chimp.

Yes.

And Meyer called me.

I see.

Ma'am, can you tell me

what do you get for a nightgown like this here?

$425.

$425.

Well, I don't think that she'll be able to sleep

in anything that expensive.

She? My wife.

Oh.

We're gonna celebrate our 25th anniversary.

It's comin' up. Congratulations.

Oh, thank you, very much.

And I was thinkin' along the lines of, well, lingerie...

Mmm-hmm. You know,

something that she wouldn't ordinarily buy for herself.

I know exactly what you mean.

So, it's 425?

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, all right, well, I'll think about that.

This here is on the outside?

Mmm-hmm.

It's a... It's a robe.

A robe?

Well, it's actually more of a peignoir.

Peignoir. Uh-huh.

And... Oh, and this is the pajamas here?

That's right. Uh-huh.

425.

And that's for everything?

Complete. Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, I'll think about that.

And I'm sorry I got sidetracked here

because I know this is a bad time for you, ma'am,

and I'm sensitive to that, and...

Lieutenant, I... I think that you should know,

Freddy and I had been on the skids for quite a long time,

and were never exactly Romeo and Juliet to begin with.

So, I can't honestly say I feel a great loss.

Does that make me sound dreadfully cold?

I'm sorry if it does, because I'm not really, a cold person.

When's the last time you saw your husband, ma'am?

Oh, let me think.

About a month ago, I believe.

He came over to argue some legal point in our divorce papers

and then left.

I can't even remember if we accomplished anything.

And that was the last time

that you saw him or spoke to him?

Yes.

Do you know what I'm thinking, Lieutenant?

What is that, ma'am?

If I'm not mistaken, 25th anniversaries are sterling.

Sterling?

Oh, that's silver.

Yes.

Oh, I never checked on that.

Well, I'm almost positive. Silver.

Well, maybe I should change my plans.

Throw the lingerie out.

Well, you could always do both.

Silver and silk go rather nicely together,

don't you think? Oh, both.

425 plus...

Two hundred for the bracelet.

Yeah.

Plus tax.

Uh-huh.

SECURITY GUARD: All right, folks, keep moving.

Don't block the sidewalk.

Thank you. Keep moving.

Bucks For Ducks, donate a buck.

Save a duck, save the environment...

Keep it clear. Let's go.

Hey, what's goin' on here?

Move along, please. Let's keep this pavement clear here.

He's okay. He's with us.

Yeah, what's goin' on here?

All right, keep moving, come on.

It's about a little ticket worth $30 million.

I'll be a son of a gun!

That's why he seemed so familiar!

I kept askin' myself, where have I seen him before?

Lamarr! Yes, Leon Lamarr.

I saw the guy get the check on TV.

Well, it had to be the costume,

'cause I'm talkin' to him

and I don't know he won the $30 million.

I don't recognize him.

Thirty million bucks! (GROANING)

I gotta tell my wife about this.

Mr. Lamarr!

Oh, give me that hand.

Oh, Lieutenant.

I want to shake the hand that picked the $30 million ticket.

Oh! Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

Well, how does it feel?

Great, just great.

Oh, I'll bet it does.

Where were you, you know, when you heard the news?

I was at home.

Oh, you were watchin' on the TV?

Well, TV, it was on, but fact is, I wasn't watchin' It.

No.

No. No. Really?

I was goin' over my bank statement.

I wasn't payin' any attention. Uh-huh.

I looked up when they called the number

and I said, "Golly, what it... The number I..."

So you didn't see any of those balls

that come out with the numbers on it?

No, I never saw any of them balls.

You didn't see that?

But they called the number and I looked at my ticket,

and when they said it again, sure enough.

It was you. It was me.

So what did you do? What did you say?

Well, I just sat there. I was stunned.

I mean... Uh-huh.

Then I started yellin'.

Yeah, so what did you say?

Well, I... "Honey! Honey!" That's my wife.

"I just... I won! I won!"

Yeah.

I just ran out of the den. I was yellin'.

Uh-huh. But she wasn't there.

No!

No, my son was there.

Oh, my goodness. I said, "Hell, God, my..."

And we kissed each other, hugged, cried a little bit.

I said, "Sonny boy, your daddy is the luckiest man in the world."

Well, I can second that, believe me.

That's a hell of a story, believe me.

Listen, the reason I came here to see you was,

I wanted to ask you about a watch.

All right. Any particular watch?

Your nephew's watch, sir.

Freddy's.

Yes, it was a LeSur. That's a good choice. Right here.

Oh, yeah. There it is. Yeah.

That's it. Exact one.

No, that looks like the exact same watch.

It is. That's the LeSur 2600.

You considering one of these for yourself?

Oh, no, sir. I'm afraid that's a little too much watch for me to handle.

But your nephew, when he had his accident, he was wearing his.

Here, let me show you.

Just take a minute, sir.

You see, sir? You see how that crystal there is broken?

Apparently when he fell, and the watch stopped working.

Well, I suppose it could happen that way.

It was guaranteed to be waterproof,

but not if the crystal is compromised.

Well, I'm afraid, sir, my problem is not that the watch stopped workin',

but why he was wearin' it.

Well, I don't follow. What do you mean by that?

Well, your nephew's watch, sir, is a counterfeit.

Ha! That's impossible.

Well, I'm afraid it's a fact, sir.

See, I looked on the other side,

and there's no serial number there.

Yes? You see, sir?

Yeah, I see that.

Not like on this watch. Right.

And probably all these watches here, they got serial numbers.

Quality watches, they have serial numbers, isn't that true, sir?

Absolutely.

Well, but there was none on your nephew's,

and so I sent it over there, to the lab,

and they come back with a report,

they said it was worth about $100.

That baffles the hell out of me. I... Must be a mistake.

Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

Well, I'm afraid you're not hearin' me, Lieutenant.

I gave that watch to my nephew as a gift. I gave it to Freddy.

He'd always wanted one, but he'd never been able to afford it.

You see, it retails at nearly $3,000,

and I gave it to him nearly a year ago, on his 35th birthday.

Now, what are you coming in here and suggesting

what I really gave my nephew was a $100 knock-off?

No, sir, no. Nothin' like that.

Well, what are you driving at then?

Well, isn't it possible, sir, that he might have needed money,

and some time during the year he sold it?

Freddy always needed money, that's true.

And isn't it reasonable, sir, to think that

feelin' about you, the way that I know he did,

that he wouldn't want you to know that he sold it?

Yeah, he could have bought a counterfeit,

'cause he knew probably I'd never see the back of the case

and never suspect it was not the original.

Yes, sir.

Could have happened that way.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I was curt to you. I apologize.

No harm done, sir.

But getting back to my question.

Please. Yes, sir?

Now, we know this was a fake LeSur. We established that.

Now, my question is this.

Since it was a fake, and since a fake is not waterproof,

wouldn't you think Freddy would know not to wear it in the bathtub?

Mr. Lamarr, you don't want to be late for your luncheon appointment.

Excuse me.

LAMARR: Is it possible Freddy could have been planning to take off the watch

and slipped and fell before he could?

Well, I suppose it's possible, but...

Let me ask you a question, Lieutenant.

Had he been drinkin'?

I mean, it's no secret he had a little problem in that area.

According to the medical examiner's report, sir,

yes, he'd been drinking pretty heavily.

Well, the booze could explain it.

Might explain why a man forgets to take off his watch.

Might also explain

why a grown man slips and falls and drowns in his own bathtub.

Yes, sir, it might.

I think it would.

Thank you for the time, sir.

With pleasure.

Mr. Lamarr,

don't spend it all in one place.

(LAUGHS) Funny man.

(GASPS)

(MOANING)

Oh, God, I've missed you. I'm here.

I need you so bad.

Me, too.

Do I have to go to the funeral?

Whatever you want, my darling.

A detective came by today.

Yeah, routine. He won't be back.

He was cute. I kind of liked him.

I bet he'd like you, too.

He's having his 25th anniversary. I told him it was sterling.

If he comes by, maybe you can sell him something expensive.

We need the money.

(CHUCKLING)

You're the devil in disguise.

Takes one to know one,

Uncle Leon.

(MOANING)

"There are no roses now

"They are gone with the sun

"No twinkle of fireflies To signal day is done

"Come, mourn the end of love Extinguished with the light

"Awake from the ruined dream Into never-ending night"

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

"Oh, Heavenly Father, we are gathered at this final resting place.

"We share the sorrow, grief and the memories

"to bid farewell to one of your children,

"insofar as we are all your children.

"We share the sorrow of his unexpected departure

"and the fond memories of his brief time amongst us.

"Our grief is tempered with the firm belief that he is in your good hands..."

Nancy has her nerve being here,

after the way she treated poor Freddy.

Well, I'm sure it can't be easy for her, either.

I presume that she's the uncle's wife.

Yes.

She's a wonderful person.

Whose side are you on?

I'm not on anybody's side. "Oh, Heavenly Father,

"we humbly seek your blessing and your everlasting mercy."

Amen. ALL: Amen.

Would some of Freddy's friends or relatives

like to share some memories with us?

I'd like to say a few words.

Certainly.

I'm Leon Lamarr, Freddy's uncle.

But Freddy was more than a nephew to us.

My wife Martha and I practically raised that boy.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

This is impossible for me to believe that I'm standing here,

and Freddy's in this padded box.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Now that he's actually gone,

I just remember all the baseball games we shared together,

and how excited Freddy would get when the Dodgers started to win.

And how he always laughed at my naughty jokes.

Mama!

I guess that's what they call today, male bonding.

But Freddy and me,

we called it being buddies.

Good buddies.

So long, old buddy.

Oh, Mr. Lamarr?

I believe they wish to be alone with their grief.

Sir!

Now, unless someone else would like to share their memories of Freddy,

the service is concluded. Thank you all for coming.

COLUMBO: Excuse me! Sir!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Maybe he's a friend of Freddy.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SHUSHING)

Excuse me, I'm from the Los Angeles Police Department.

How do you do, sir? How do you do?

And you, sir, I'm assuming that you're a friend of Freddy's.

And I just want to ask you one quick question.

Did he ever mention to you his intention of buying a car like this?

No. No, no, no, that's not possible, believe me.

He don't even have the money for room rent.

Well, that's what everybody tells me.

Thank you very much for your time.

You're very welcome.

My pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

It makes no difference if he's married.

Oh, he don't want to meet your niece!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Ah, she's 58, with piano legs.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

WOMAN: Oh, it's a breathtaking car!

As you can see, it's a most unique automobile.

(CAR ENGINE BACKFIRING)

(SQUEAKING)

Shouldn't jam up like that when it's sunny.

I want to ask you, sir...

Gee, I hope I didn't lose that thing.

I'm sure I... Oh, here it is.

I wanted to ask you about this car.

Sorry, but we don't take trade-ins.

Could we step inside?

Do you have an appointment?

Appointment?

I don't think that I need an appointment.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

(SINGING) Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the flowers gone?

Young girls have picked them, every one

Oh, when will they ever learn?

Oh, when will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?

Long time passing

McGinty!

Where have all the young girls gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the young girls gone?

Gone for husbands, every one

Oh, when will they ever learn?

Oh, when will they ever learn?

Otto, look, look!

Hey, that cop is here.

What cop?

The Lieutenant. He's in the closet.

In the closet?

Yes.

Lieutenant!

Oh. Hi, everybody.

I didn't mean to intrude.

I just didn't know everybody was gathered here.

Oh, no. It was just sort of spontaneous.

We all just drifted up here and started sharing memories.

Can I help you with something, Lieutenant?

Oh, no, I'm fine, ma'am. Thank you very much.

Are you looking for something in particular?

COLUMBO: No, just a couple of loose ends.

Otto, stop it.

Oh, listen, by the way... Come on.

...you might be interested.

Freddy was really gonna buy that $175,000 car.

No, that's not possible.

Freddy couldn't afford the parking.

No, it's really true. I just spoke to the salesman.

He picked out the color.

Hey, where he get that kind of money?

Maybe from a rich uncle.

SHARI: The lottery winner.

LEDA: Yeah, who else?

(ALL CHATTERING)

WANDA: How can life be so cruel?

Just when he's about to have a really terrific car,

he gets zapped, just like that.

LEDA: Oh, isn't that the way it always is?

(ALL CHATTERING)

Freddy was a big beer drinker, wasn't he?

Oh, yes, he love to drink beer.

He loved it too much, if you want to know the truth.

McGINTY: Yeah, a six-pack a day, that was Freddy's way.

Then how come he bought a case of champagne?

That must have cost some seven, eight hundred dollars.

A case?

McGINTY: Well, how do you like that?

He was holding out on us.

GEORGEY: Yeah, he only bring out the two bottle, I remember.

OTTO: Yeah, he sure was slow about that.

(ALL CHATTERING)

SHARI: Hey, let's take a group picture.

TRISH: We need a camera.

SHARI: I've got one. This is Freddy's, and it's got film in it.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Italian policemen don't steal no picture.

Mama, behave yourself or no Jay Leno tonight, eh?

TRISH: Lieutenant, will you take the picture?

All right.

It's Freddy's camera and it's a good one.

All right, here we go.

Hey, we're all ready!

WANDA: What's he doing now?

Okay, the moment is now!

SHARI: What's wrong with him?

OTTO: Lieutenant, what's the problem here?

WANDA: Take it already! OTTO: Go!

Okay, everybody, here we go.

Cheese on three.

One, two...

ALL: Cheese!

LAMARR: Laura, sugar, I don't like those earrings

all bunched together like that. It's tacky.

Yes, sir. I'll take care of it.

Otherwise everything's about perfect, wouldn't you say?

Hey, get out of there!

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear you.

(INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear. I don't know what you're sayin'.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell was that all about?

No, no, I mean, spread 'em all over the case.

Oh, all right.

Excuse me, sir, I'm pressed for time.

I've got an appointment at the vet's.

I just wanted to know whether or not that

charm bracelet in the window, is that sterling silver?

Are you interested in some sterling, sir?

Well, they told me that the traditional gift

for the 25th anniversary is sterling silver. Is that true?

I don't know if the proper gift

for the lady that you've shared 25 years with

is a metal worth only four dollars an ounce.

How many ounces are we talkin' about?

(CHUCKLES) Come here. Let me show you something incredibly beautiful.

Oh, no, sir, thank you very much,

but I'm really pressed for time.

All right, okay.

Although, gee, if we made it fast...

Let's pull this one out right here.

I do have a question about your nephew.

I'll make this quick, sir. It's not a big thing.

I was looking through your nephew's telephone bills.

I'm just curious about something.

Mmm-hmm.

Last month he made 11 calls to your shop here in Beverly Hills,

but on the previous month he only made one.

Can you account for that?

Well, Freddy's behavior was not that complicated.

When he didn't call me it was because he was making ends meet.

And when he did, it was 'cause he needed some money.

And that's why he made all those calls last month, sir?

Yes, sir.

He needed money?

Oh, yes.

Well, that don't add up.

You got a problem with that?

Yeah, something's missing here.

'Cause on the 20th, the day he called you for money,

that boy went out and he ordered a $175,000 automobile.

What? Who told you that?

Well, the salesman, sir.

Oh, yeah. Freddy, he'd selected the color,

and he was gonna have it delivered in Europe,

in Switzerland, in Bern.

Oh, don't pay any mind to that.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that sounds like Freddy. Yeah, it sure does. He could do that.

I mean, that kid, he was in the clouds. It was all fantasy.

You mean, he would make things up?

Make 'em up?

He told me he was going on tour with Madonna as her private photographer.

It wasn't true? Made it up.

No kiddin'.

Ask Madonna.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

So, this whole thing about the automobile,

that was all in his mind?

Let me tell you the kind of thing he'd do.

He'd rent a Rolls-Royce for the day, see,

so he could go and look at houses for sale,

and, well, these are three and four million dollar houses.

He'd have these people walking through all the rooms,

taking pictures, he's asking questions.

He wanted to know if there was room in the back

so he could build a tennis court.

No kiddin'. And he had no money?

Not after he rented that Rolls. He was broke.

And it's sad, 'cause Freddy was a talented boy,

but he was mixed up.

Yeah, he sounds mixed up.

Well, listen, thank you very much for this information.

I'm kind of pressed, sir, so I'm gonna run along.

Do you remember the name of the real estate agent

that showed him those houses?

It was Mary Sedge somethin'. She's in Beverly Hills.

I'll think of it. I'll give you a call.

Much obliged, sir.

Mr. Lamarr, wonderful things you said at the funeral.

Very touching.

Thank you.

Oh, one more thing.

I'm gonna have to make this fast, sir.

Freddy bought a case of champagne.

I checked with the liquor store.

It was on the same day that he made the 11th call to you.

Would he do that?

Would he spend $520 on a case of champagne,

and on the same day call you up for a loan?

Well, that surprises me.

But I suppose he could have, bein' Freddy.

'Cause this wasn't a fantasy, sir.

I mean, he actually bought the case of champagne.

Yes, I hear you, sir. I just wish I hadn't.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

Once again, thank you for the time.

I'm sorry, sir, just one more thing.

You said that your nephew was planning on coming to your party?

Yes, sir.

And he called you to say he was gonna be a little late?

That's right. And that was a costume party?

Well, sure. You were there.

Had you told your nephew that?

Say what?

Did Mr. Brower know that your Halloween party was a costume party?

Oh, I'm sure he did. Why?

Well, it's probably nothing, sir.

I'm just tryin' to understand why,

if he was planning on coming to your costume party, why he didn't have a costume.

He didn't?

In his studio, sir, on the night of his death, no costume.

You sure about that?

Oh, quite sure, sir. I even went back after the funeral,

they were having a wake there, and I searched again,

and no costume.

Since it was Freddy, doesn't surprise me.

See, costumes cost money, and he was an imaginative boy.

I suppose Freddy was just gonna wear some of his old clothes,

and come as an eccentric billionaire, like Howard Hughes.

They say old Howard never wore anything fancy.

You remember at our party, how everybody thought you were in costume?

Well, you were wearing your own clothes.

Well, that's a good point, sir.

Yes, sir. A damn good point.

And that would explain it. Much obliged.

My pleasure.

Kiss.

What does a grateful woman buy a gracious jeweler for a gift?

Anything in the store at half price.

My dear,

I think this afternoon will have to hold us for a while.

You're not serious.

Your cute little busybody, Lieutenant Columbo,

is still snoopin' around here and there, lookin' for God knows what.

And for a while, I suggest we try to keep our distance from one another.

Well, how long are you talking about?

A day? A week? Longer?

Long enough to come out of this alive and free.

We've got to exercise discipline a little bit.

Discipline.

Yeah.

You've got 24 million dollars, Leon, after taxes.

Half is mine.

I want it.

All in good time.

But somehow, I don't think it'd look right

for the Widow Brower's bank account to suddenly swell to 12 million.

Do you?

In the meantime,

I'm sure you know that your share is completely safe with me.

Come on. Come on, now.

Good evening, ma'am.

Do you have a moment?

Can I get you something to drink, Lieutenant?

No, I'm fine, ma'am. Just here for...

Diet soda? Mineral water?

No. One quick question.

Do you want to sit down?

It's about your divorce.

Mmm-hmm?

You remember when we first met, it was in the lingerie shop.

You were tellin' me about your marriage,

and how for six months you'd been goin' through a difficult divorce,

and because of that you couldn't honestly say

that you were feeling any deep sense of loss over Freddy's passing.

That you really wanted that marriage to be over.

It was true.

I don't doubt that for a minute, ma'am.

That's what's bothering me.

What?

Why didn't you sign the divorce decree?

Honestly?

I didn't like the communal debt clause.

The communal debt clause?

But your husband's attorney told me that

Mr. Brower signed and mailed a copy of the final decree

on October 2nd, and he had eliminated the communal debt clause.

And your attorney told me

that you got a copy of that document on October 4th,

almost a month ago,

and you never signed it.

I see.

Well, yes, I suppose that does need to be explained, doesn't it, Lieutenant?

Have you ever gone through a divorce, Lieutenant?

Heaven forbid.

Well, I hope for your sake you never do.

All that tough talk, Lieutenant,

fades like a blush when all of a sudden the doorbell rings

and somebody hands you this very imposing

legal document called final decree.

And there's your soon-to-be-ex-mate's signature already in place.

And the only thing that's missing,

the only thing that keeps the door from closing on a chapter in your life,

which you personally, royally played your part in blowing all to hell,

is your own John Hancock.

Well, let me tell you, Lieutenant,

it gives one pause.

(CRYING) I didn't sign the final decree, Lieutenant, because

I couldn't bring myself to admit

that what was being granted was what I actually wanted.

It's funny how we often learn things about ourselves

much too late to change them.

Oh, Freddy.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello.

(WHISPERING) Are you insane? I asked you never to call me at home.

Now, you should direct this call to the office.

I'm still your ex-niece in law, Leon.

I don't think speaking to each other is a criminal offense.

What is so important you had to call me here?

Why are you listening to that terrible music?

Come to the point, please.

Your friend, the Lieutenant, called me today.

What about?

The final decree.

I don't understand. What're you gettin' at?

Freddy, the miserable back-stabbing louse,

changed the divorce papers the way I'd wanted them,

and signed them the same day he won the lottery, October 2nd.

They were sent to me two days later.

And you signed them?

I couldn't, Leon.

If I did, we'd be divorced,

and then he wouldn't have needed you, darling.

But what did you tell Columbo?

(LAUGHS) I was brilliant, Leon.

Probably even better than you.

I told him that when I saw the final decree,

I broke down. I got all weepy and sentimental

and just couldn't bring myself to sign on that dotted line

because deep down inside I was probably still in love with Freddy

and didn't really want the marriage to end.

(SHOUTING) You think he bought that bowl of mush?

I think I almost had him in tears.

He's coming up on his 25th wedding anniversary.

This is a man that understands love, Leon.

Maybe.

But, Leon,

couldn't I just have a couple of million?

(LAUGHS)

Night, hon.

ALL: (SINGING) For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN: Been up to the river lately, Mr. Lamarr?

Hey, Joe, I've been tryin' to get up there to do a little fishin',

but what's sufferin' is my golf game.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Happy birthday, Mr. Lamarr!

Well, Lieutenant. It's not my birthday.

This is an unexpected thank you from my staff, and I appreciate it.

And this year we're gonna have our Christmas bonus early.

You deserve it. And I'm proud to give it to you.

(ALL WHOOPING)

How often do you get to work for a $30 million lottery winner

as nice as Mr. Lamarr?

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Thank you, sugar. That's sweet.

This is for you, sir, it's a souvenir.

Oh. Thank you very much.

That's the winning number.

Yeah, it's right here on the cake, too.

Well, I gotta tell you a story.

This is the damnedest thing that ever happened to me.

I'll never forget it as long as I live,

and you're gonna find it interesting.

I was over at Freddy's,

his friends were over there, they were having a wake and...

Do you mind holding this, sir?

And they suddenly wanted to take a picture,

and they handed me Freddy's camera.

And I'm fooling with this thing here, and suddenly...

(CHUCKLING) I couldn't believe it.

Sir, see if you see what I saw.

Do you see it, sir?

No?

Look in this area here.

No? Nothing? Okay.

If you cover up these two,

and if you read from the right,

4, 5, 6, 8, 11, 16.

The first six numbers, they're the winning lottery number.

That's right. So?

Well, you can imagine my shock,

when I looked down at Freddy's camera

and I saw the winning lottery ticket.

I mean, it was like somethin' that happened in a dream.

What is that? Was that a coincidence? Is that what it was?

Well, it's not a coincidence,

because I gave this camera to Freddy years ago.

I taught him how to use it.

I make pretty damn good pictures myself.

I'll show 'em to you sometime.

As far as these numbers go, they're second nature to me, and I...

Sir, what you said before, I believe that was right.

It was no coincidence.

(KNOCKING)

(GROANS) We're closed, sir. Sorry.

Come back another time.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Is Miss Brower still there?

Somebody for you, sweetie.

But you still have time to duck out the back if you want.

COLUMBO: Mrs. Brower, may I talk to you? It's very important.

I better see what he wants.

See you in the morning. Okay. Bye-bye.

Thank you, ma'am.

I have some very unsettling news,

and I'm afraid I don't know any delicate way to approach it.

What news, Lieutenant?

It's about your husband.

Well, what is it, Lieutenant? I don't understand.

I mean, what could be worse than the news that he was dead?

The fact that he was murdered.

Are you all right?

Yes.

Would it be better if you sat down?

No, I'm fine.

I mean, it was just such a shock hearing you say that.

I mean, Freddy murdered?

Why would anybody want to murder Freddy?

That's a very interesting question, isn't it?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We have $9,000. Would someone offer 10,000?

Ten thousand on my right,

bid on the lovely turn-of-the-century ruby brooch.

Will someone make it 11?

Eleven thousand. Is 12 offered?

Twelve, anyone? No?

Going once for 11, going twice, and sold for $11,000.

The next item is number 19 in the catalog.

An heirloom 40 karat diamond necklace of exceptional quality.

We shall entertain an opening bid of $300,000.

I have $300,000 on my right.

$300,000 is the bid. I'm looking for 350.

I'm looking for 350, do I see 350?

I have 350 as bid, by the man in the aisle.

I'm looking for $400,000.

May I have $400,000?

I have $400,000 on my right.

The bid is $400,000. I'm looking for 450.

May I have a bid of four...

I have $450,000 from the gentleman in the raincoat.

You're not bidding, are you?

He's not bidding.

Were you bidding?

Bidding? He wasn't bidding.

Were you bidding, sir?

Bidding? No, I was...

Please, sir, you mustn't wave your catalog.

Now, please, sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me repeat once again...

I didn't know.

Please, unless you intend to make a bid, I beg of you...

Gee, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

...do not gesture with your hand or your catalog.

(SHUSHING) Please.

AUCTIONEER: And now to item number 20.

Earrings of a most unusual nature.

How far am I goin' on this one?

Up to 800,000.

I didn't know.

It does create confusion.

Oh, I can see that. That's why I don't go to these places.

You know, my wife, she bid $80 for a footstool,

it was made out of coffee cans. Can you imagine that?

No. I can't.

She bids $500,000.

Do I hear 550?

$650,000 dollars.

Silent bids, please, Mr. Lamarr.

Does anyone care to respond? I'm looking for $700,000.

No?

Going once, going twice, sold to Mr. Leon Lamarr.

Nicely done.

Thank you, ma'am.

MAN: Bravo, bravo.

Very kind of you, sir.

Congratulations, sir. I'm glad you got what you wanted.

Is it so important what you came here for?

Oh, it's very important, sir.

I called your office. They told me you were here.

I'll have to thank 'em for that.

Well, they said I could have left a message, but...

Right.

Well, sir, it was too... Too personal.

It has to do with your nephew.

Mmm-hmm.

Sir, there's reason to believe

that your nephew's death was not accidental.

In fact, there is reason to...

Just a moment.

Jody.

Was I bidding on this?

No, sir. This is 1-4-6-9.

You said you were lukewarm on it.

Yeah, I remember.

Now, what was it that you were saying that it wasn't an accident?

I don't think so, sir. I think it was...

Do you want to know what I think?

Hold your hat.

I think it was murder.

Murder? What the hell are you talkin' about, man?

What in heaven's...

AUCTIONEER: All done? Going once, going twice...

Come on, let's go.

AUCTIONEER: And now item number 21 in your catalog.

The beautiful Oriental jade pendants

set in pure platinum, with 22 karat gold filigree.

I'll entertain an opening bid of $100,000.

Jack.

What are you sayin', murder?

Who would want to murder Freddy?

What did he ever do to anyone?

You said he slipped and fell in his bathtub.

Now, how all of a sudden does that turn into murder?

I don't think he slipped, sir, I think he was placed.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

Well, what it means is that whoever killed him,

they first knocked him unconscious...

Detective Stroller, Mr. Leon Lamarr.

How do you do, sir? How are you?

I mean, whoever killed him

knocked him unconscious first, then they undressed him.

Jack, you don't have to stand there holdin' that.

Put it down there.

Whoever killed him, sir, they knocked him unconscious first,

then they undressed him,

then they dropped him into the tub.

How do you even come up with an idea like that?

I mean, you have anything to substantiate it,

to establish such a horror story?

You mean, in a courtroom, sir?

No, I don't mean in a courtroom.

I mean, right here, now, to me.

Where were you, sir, on the night that Freddy died?

I don't know what this is leading to,

but I don't think I like the sound of it.

Well, I would appreciate an answer.

Well, you know the answer.

Why are you asking the question?

No, I don't know the answer.

Well, what are you trying to do? Irritate me on purpose?

Is that it? No, no.

No, not at all.

Cut the bull here, please!

Mr. Lamarr, sir,

on the night Freddy died, you were at your house.

I know that, yes. I saw you there.

Exactly.

But that was after 9:00.

I don't know where you were at 7:00.

Oh, I... I see, Lieutenant.

Well, at any o'clock I was home.

Home all night?

The whole night.

At your party. (CHUCKLES) Wearin' a costume.

You weren't. (CHUCKLING) No, sir.

I was wearing my suit.

People thought it was a costume.

Yes, sir. That thing you were wearing,

was that an English king, sir?

It was King George. You know that.

Don't you remember? Boston Tea Party.

Boston Tea Party, yeah, that rings a bell.

King George. Yeah, I remember now. King George.

Was this the costume you were wearing, sir?

Is there any significance to these questions? Because...

I'd appreciate it if you would identify it, sir.

Is this the actual jacket?

Well, hell, I don't know. Let's take a look.

Same material.

Yeah, same color... Size 44?

Forty-four. Right.

Looks like it would fit.

Yes, that's the jacket. Yes.

And the pants, sir?

Yes, the pants. Yes.

And the socks? Well, you couldn't be sure about the socks, could you?

No... No.

And the shoes?

Couldn't be sure, no.

Couldn't be sure, no. Well, like the socks.

And this thing here, sir, is this something you wear around your neck?

That is a medallion, and it is worn around the neck.

Okay.

Okay, sir, we're almost finished.

I just gotta show you a couple of photographs that your nephew took.

You'll be surprised.

He was a pretty good photographer.

Well, I'm not surprised, sir.

I said he was very talented.

Yes, sir.

Does anything strike you in these, sir?

Well, there's a chimpanzee right there, in all the photos.

Yeah, he's a friendly guy, isn't he?

Yes, sir.

Likes people. Right.

Was this taken at Freddy's studio, do you think?

Well, it's hard to tell. There's no background.

Well, in this one there's photos on the wall.

I'm not positive, I'd say that's Freddy's studio.

When was the last time you were there, sir?

I don't remember.

Now, that is a lie.

A what?

Jack?

You got it, Jack?

Got it.

That's a blow-up of a fingerprint

that was made at Freddy's studio. And I'm afraid, sir...

It places you there on the night of his death.

I'm afraid you're a fool, Lieutenant.

I've been to Freddy's many times.

I'm not surprised you found my fingerprint there.

But I am surprised you'd try to use that print

to place me there the night of his death.

Where'd you get that idea, about the fingerprint?

That's not your fingerprint.

That's the chimp's.

And I didn't find that fingerprint on Freddy's doorknob,

and I didn't find it on his refrigerator,

and I didn't find it on the sink.

But on this medallion, which was hangin' around your neck.

We know the chimp was in the studio on the night of the murder.

Now we know you were there.

Two things that did you in, sir.

This badge,

and those photographs.

Here the chimp's goin' for a lady's bracelet.

And here, he's got a man's cigarette case.

And here, he's going for the lady's earrings.

And on the night of the investigation,

he was grabbin' this badge.

What do these things have in common?

They're all shiny and they're all metal.

Just like this medallion.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Hello, Leon.

What are you doin' here, Nancy?

Oh, Mrs. Brower. Well, thank you for coming.

I want to thank you for your cooperation.

Cooperation, huh?

I hope it hasn't been too unpleasant for you.

I was told you have something to tell me, Lieutenant?

Well, like all those jokes, ma'am,

there's good news and bad news.

Which do you want first?

Well, I guess the bad news.

Well, the bad news, ma'am,

is that Mr. Lamarr here is gonna be arrested for the murder of your husband.

Oh, my God.

Leon, how could you?

Ha!

And what's the good news?

That you've just inherited the better part of $24 million after taxes.

What?

It wasn't Mr. Lamarr who won the lottery, it was your late husband.

And even though you were in the process of getting a divorce,

you were still legally married at the time of the drawing.

I get the money?

All of it. (GASPS)

COLUMBO: All of those millions.

It'll be a cold day in hell.

Leon!

You lyin' treacherous bitch.

You sold old Leon out, didn't you?

You want to see some cooperation, girl,

I'm gonna show you some cooperation.

Who do you think it was pretended to be Freddy

calling me from the studio that night?

Leon! His own darlin' wife.

His dear, sweet widow here, trying to scratch my eyes out.

Leon, you idiot!

You wish I was as dead as Freddy, don't you?

You know how much I hate you, Leon?

I hate you more than your wife is gonna hate you!

That's how much I hate you!

All right, book 'em.

Oh, Leon, you...

Both of 'em.

Leon! Oh, I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get you if... First degree murder.

Get your hands off me!

Leon! Leon!

(LEON LAUGHING)

Leon!

COLUMBO: Good night.

You know, Jack, I was thinkin' about my wife's anniversary gift.

Yeah?

She got enough jewelry.

She got two ears, how many earrings can she wear?

What we need to do is spend more time together.

You know, just the two of us.

I'm gonna take her on a trip.

Oh, that's nice. Gettin' away on a cruise ship.

No, I wasn't thinkin' about a cruise.

I was thinkin' more like campin' out in the woods,

goin' fishin', cookin' over a campfire. How's that sound?

To me, great.

Are you sure your wife likes that kind of stuff?

My wife would rather get dressed and go out dancin'.

You know, on second thought,

maybe I ought to have her old car repainted.

Jack, it's 25 years. I ought to do somethin' special.

Your car or her car?

I didn't hear that.