Original subtitles

Hey, girl.

- Mm. 9:57 a.m.?

Again, Shayla?

You know, we started calling you Office Lauryn Hill.

- Toni, I'm trying.

It just takes so long to beat this face.

- Then don't.

Girl, you got melanin.

You don't need NARS when you got skin like ours.

- Okay, that's cute for you, Alicia Keys,

but if I don't wear makeup, somebody always asks,

"Are you okay? You look sick."

- Oh, come on. It's not that serious.

- It is that serious!

Okay, last time I did not wear makeup,

I got pulled into being a zombie on "The Walking Dead."

Of course, I did make $500, but it hurt my feelings.

Did you get to meet Rick?

'Cause that's cool.

- No, that is not cool, okay?

I don't want people thinking I look like death.

- Oh, well.

It's better than looking unemployed.

Ooh, Shayla 'bout to get that chop.

- Look who's here before 9:00 a.m.!

- Well, well...

Goddamn!

Are you okay?

Who did this to you?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

I just don't have makeup on. Okay?

I told you. I knew you would do this.

- Oh, but I didn't know.

How could I have known? Who would have known?

Oh, it was unknowable.

- Well, at least I saved an hour getting ready.

Besides, customers can't see me through the phone.

Who cares?

Millstone Coffee Company.

How can I brew up an answer for you?

Sure. Let me place you on a brief hold.

Girl.

You ever steal coffee?

I do.

Okay.

Okay, your shipment is on its way.

Aw, well, talk to you later, percolator.

- Oh, goddamn, Shayla.

You look like you just walked out of an ICU!

- Okay, now, see, that's just how you see me.

This is just my natural face.

- Then you explain how that natural IV

is hanging out of your natural arm.

- There's no IV!

That's...

- Now shh. I'm trying to do my work.

I suggest you do the same.

Millstone Coffee Company. How have you "bean"?

- Oh, we came as soon as we could, baby.

- Daddy's here, Daddy's here. Oh, my God.

Jesus, please save my friend.

- Oh, Reverend, I'm glad you could come.

- Good lookin' out, Jesus.

- Okay, sure. Let me just place you on a brief hold.

- Father God, we ask that you welcome this child

into your kingdom in your divine timing,

which will probably be any minute now

if it hasn't happened already.

It's in your name that we pray over this near corpse.

Amen.

Parents: Amen.

- Okay, I'm back. Sure.

I can do that. Your shipment is on the way.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing, Toni?

You fuckin' with my coffee commission.

- No, Shayla.

You are my best friend!

At work.

Okay. Fine.

But before you go...

I've gotta tell you the truth.

I'm the one who's been eating your lunches.

- Son of a b...

Baby?

- Out of the way. Out of the way.

Clear!

Clear! - Oh, please.

Time of death: 9:22 a.m.

Oh... oh, no.

- Come here, baby. - Oh, no. No.

- It's okay. It's okay. - Oh, what happened?

- Come on now. Come on. - Oh, no, no.

Stop crying, baby.

♪ ♪

- Hey, girl.

You ready to hit this happy hour?

- Shayla?

Mm-mm.

You died.

Your homegoing is on Saturday.

- No, it's not.

Oh, shit.

Smudged my lipstick. Might as well start over.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

No!

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

- It's not the end of the world!

Oh, right.

It is.

Yes.

Bottoms up, hos.

All: Cheers! - Yay!

- Mm!

We made it, okay? And you all have me to thank.

No, seriously, now would be a good time to thank me.

- Okay. To Robin.

When you sent us a Facebook invite

to the end of the world,

I did not think that you would be right.

I just clicked Yes 'cause you're my best friend.

- Aw.

- And now here we are,

the last four people on Earth.

Cheers.

- Yes, yes. - We did it. We did it.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, why are we fucking around with champagne

when, as of ten minutes ago, all drugs are legal?

- Because today, we're celebrating.

We have an eternity to figure out what happens next,

but right now,

we have no jobs, no taxes to pay...

- We don't have any mediocre white men

getting promoted over us!

- We don't have Sallie Mae calling me all the time

like I'm fucking her man.

No police.

- What?

- You know what?

This is a celebration, okay?

Uh-oh.

- Whoo! Follow me!

♪ ♪

Holy shit.

- Your dildo to alcohol ratio is all off.

- I know. I should've packed more dildos.

- Don't laugh.

Don't look at me like I'm the only one

with weird stuff in my ba... Matter of fact, you,

what's in your... What's in your bag, Ashley?

♪ ♪

- Oh. - Oh.

- That did not go well for you.

- You opened up the wrong suitcase, okay?

Everyone knows Robin's the freak.

- Uh-uh!

♪ ♪

Damn, Robin.

Can I get a Vicodin with a side of IV?

- Quinta, stop eye-fucking my bag!

Besides,

you probably got a whole fucking Burning Man in yours.

♪ ♪

Yep.

I stand correct.

- It's just the essentials.

- All these pills and no panties.

Great.

None of y'all know how to pack,

so you're all gonna be trying to borrow my stuff

the whole time.

- No, we're not.

Oh, shoot. I forgot my head scarf.

Ashley, do you have a extra?

- No, because I don't wear a scarf.

- Hmm?

- Uh...

because you sleep in a bonnet?

No.

I just don't cover my hair at night.

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- What?

- Do you, Chris, take Lachel

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Do I?

- Okay. Very cute.

The answer, son, is "I do."

- Fo' sho'! Look at her.

Mmm, fine ass.

- Sorry.

You need to say the phrase "I do."

Just to make it legal.

- Oh, I got you. Ask me again.

- Do you, Chris, take Lachel

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- Don't I. - Not quite.

- I don't.

Hah! Just kidding. Of course I can.

- Babe, come on.

- Just say, "I do."

- Y'all ain't gotta rush a nigga.

- Look, we only have this place for 45 minutes.

Then they're having a hair show.

- Okay.

- Look, babe... - Huh?

- We're... we're almost there, okay?

You love me, right?

- Yeah, I got love for you, babe.

- Okay. Then just say, "I do."

- A'ight.

I...

♪ Boom! D-d-bam! ♪ We good.

- "Bam." We ain't. Chris, it's not hard to say.

- I mean, it goes without saying.

- It very much does not.

- A'ight. Hold on.

Y'all hot?

Is it hot? No?

Yeah? It's just me?

Hoo! - Chris.

Quit playing and just say it, God damn it.

- "It, God damn it."

Why y'all booing?

- Settle down! Settle down.

I'll handle this.

Now, young man,

you got this.

We're just gonna slow it down.

Do... - Uh-huh.

- You, Chris... - Me, Chris.

- Take Lachel... - I know her.

- To be... - She cool.

- Your lawfully... - I'm saying, though...

- Wedded...

- That's a funny word. - Wife.

I mean, I fucks with her!

You know what?

- Hard, though! Heavy!

I fucks witchu!

Baby, I fucks witchu!

- Son! Son.

If you don't say, "I do,"

you're gonna lose your beautiful wife.

Now, do you wanna tap that ass tonight or not?

- I do!

- I do. Get back.

You know I was playing,

'cause I be playing like that.

- Just tryna keep you in... - Sustpense.

Playing witchu. - Thank you, Pastor.

- Oh, you need to thank Jesus,

'cause that was nothing short of a miracle.

Now... - Okay.

- Do you, Lachel,

take Chris to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- I do! - Ooh, that's great.

To have and to hold?

- Wait a minute.

What's the difference between having and holding?

- From this day forward?

- Like, this day,

or the "day forward," like tomorrow?

Because it's already tomorrow in Japan,

if you think about it.

- For better or for worse?

- Oh. I mean, does anyone pick "worse"?

- In... For richer or for poorer?

- Again, who are these people picking "poorer"?

- In sickness or in health?

- Uh! How sick? How'd he get sick?

Is his throat itching?

'Cause then I'm tryna understand

why this Negro's throat is itching.

Oh, you two!

You deserve each other.

Just be man and wife. You are pronounced!

- You heard that, baby? Both: We pronounced.

- We did it, girl. - We married.

- Bam! We did it. - Yeah.

This is black love, right here.

Thank you.

- I don't know. - Thank you.

Bye!

- Oh, shit!

"Hair" goes the bride!

- So no scarf?

At all?

Like a... a black chick

on a TV show written by white people?

- I get headaches very easily.

- Unnecessary pain is an important part

of being a black woman.

Everybody knows that. - No.

- Ashley, what happened to the satin pillowcase

I got you for your birthday?

- Ooh, I had to let that go, okay?

It was like sleeping on a roller coaster.

- What about your moisture? Your edges?

Your crown, bitch?

- I rarely put heat on my hair,

I use Carol's Daughter's moisturizing spray

and Mixed Chicks' leave-in

and DevaCurl stretching cream, and that's just every day.

That's not even including my wash day products, which...

- Wait.

Ooh!

- There it is. - Mm-mm-mm.

You wouldn't need to use a whole Sally's Beauty

if you wrapped your hair at night.

- Do you know the lengths I go through to protect my hair?

- It's true. She sleeps in a wig.

- What? - Ashley, a story.

- Ooh.

- When I lost my edges,

I had to rub Monistat on my shit

for six months to grow them back.

- It's true. I remember that.

- You are disrespecting your hair.

- I'm sorry, are we all just ignoring the Monistat thing?

Both: Yes. - I was hoping we would.

- All right?

Girl, she got the... - Ooh, the good stuff.

- This is not a grocery store. Stop it.

- Got Hair Milk in here. - This is mine!

- Ooh, is that a pick? - A pick!

♪ ♪

- Oh, fuck. It's a trap.

- You work here, right?

- You know what? I just need help.

I don't know if you have a small...

Something, like, casual...

- Since I had these kids, it's just not sitting like...

- Can you help? - Damn, girl, you're good.

♪ ♪

Uh, you... I just came up here

to smoke a cigarette, so...

Oh, that the best you can do?

And I'd heard such good things about your CIA training...

Trinity.

Now putting a bullet through your brain

so I can see through it like a peephole

won't be as fun.

Hey. Knock-knock.

- Who's there?

- No one,

'cause you're dead.

♪ ♪

- Wait.

You know what? I'm sorry.

You are so hot,

I'm honestly having trouble focusing.

This has never happened before.

- Mm.

Has this?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Perfect timing.

I just used your CIA login

to obtain the codes.

- Let me guess:

you seduced someone into giving it to you?

Pathetic.

- I'm pathetic?

I'm the one who's selling

America's nuclear codes to Russia,

and you're the one who's tied to a chair!

Like a baby.

A kidnapped baby...

I guess.

Sorry, it's been a while

since I've done a villain speech.

I took a break to have a baby,

and now I can't stop thinking about my baby.

- That's what your body looks like after a baby?

Oh, fuck off.

You'll never get away with this.

- Who's gonna stop me? You?

You have no idea how much I hate you, Trinity.

I've been plotting your demise for months.

- Sounds like somebody's obsessed with me.

- Every day,

I wake up,

look at your picture and say...

"One day,

I'm gonna kill that woman."

But tomorrow...

I'm gonna wake up and say,

"Yesterday,

I killed that woman."

Now it's time for you to die.

My baby and I have a flight to catch.

She's gonna cry the whole time.

♪ ♪

- You just ran into some turbulence.

Hah!

Hah! Hah!

Surprise, bitch.

- What?

But I saved you.

I let you go.

- You ruined me.

- So you could go clean. I was being nice.

- I like being a criminal.

It's more fun,

and the pay is better.

I used to hide in plain sight.

That was my thing, but you outed me!

I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't,

and I hated it.

♪ ♪

- You looked amazing. - It was very uncomfortable.

Let's face it:

neither of us can live if the other survives.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ah!

- That's the sound of the good guys winning...

again.

Men: Stand down!

- Stand down! - Stand down!

- Trinity, we got your message.

Where's the Recluse?

- Uh, she's right there.

- Where?

- Oh, I'll be out of your hair in a minute.

- Uh, janitor, ma'am? - Uh-huh?

- This is official government business.

Please leave. - Oh!

- This is the Recluse. I subdued her.

Both: Hey.

- We need to get you back to HQ.

You need a psych eval.

Can you at least tell me

what brand waist trainer that was?

Please!

- No.

It's the Basic Ball!

A ball for the rest of the LGBT-cuties.

And tonight, we all serve ferocity,

whether you're Mother Exhausted from the House of Tired

or one of the eternal children

of the House of Forever 21,

y'all better bring it!

The category is

Clinical Depression.

For all my children serving chemical imbalance realness...

That's right...

Make your way to the floor if you can.

You are tired!

You are unmedicated for the gods!

Walk for the judges.

Now vogue.

Oh, I see you eating carbs.

I see you.

I see you, too depressed to leave the house.

I'm looking for sadness.

I'm looking for Eeyore

in Dior.

♪ ♪

Oh, she is serving you

a whole nap!

Bitch is in full deep REM sleep on the floor.

Judges, your scores.

Ten, ten, ten.

Diagnosis: it's depression.

The next category is Barbecue Daddies.

Come through, barbecue daddies!

Oh, yes.

I have two daddies,

and they are serving me leather and linen.

They're serving me

"Let's argue about routes to work."

"I take the 405 to PHC."

"Oh, I just stay on Cahuenga the whole way down."

You'll gag.

They are cookout ready, Betty.

Oh, he didn't start the grill

until everybody showed up,

and now you won't be eating till nighttime.

He's late.

He's basic as fuck.

It's breathtaking. You better work.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Damn ♪

Oh!

He is "passing out matching shirts at the family reunion"

barbecue realness.

Layers, judges. Layers!

Serving "mispronouncing

all of your friends' names wrong" realness.

Serving "calls your friend Tuh-rell your friend Tie-rell."

Judges, your cards, please.

Ten, nine, nine.

Family reunion daddy,

grab your trophy.

Running Errands.

The next category is Running Errands.

Oh, did you remember your reusable canvas bag?

I'm having all of it.

Oh, work, girl.

She has all the receipts.

Yes, she knows the return policy,

and she will not take store credit, baby.

Oh, yes.

She's running a quick errand

and didn't think anyone would see her,

but... uh-oh! Uh-oh!

You ran into your boss.

Now he knows you don't have eyebrows, bitch.

She is serving you a full Whoopi Goldberg.

Judges, your scores, please.

Ten. Ten.

Tens across the board.

And now, it's time for the grand finale.

The category is

Just Awkward in the Body.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with you;

you're just awkward in the body.

Yes, oh, you are so awkward.

Oh, you are serving me

"we both said good-bye, but now we're walking

in the same direction" awkwardness.

Oh! The waiter just said, "Enjoy your meal,"

and this bitch said, "You too."

"You too"!

Bitch, he's not eating. He's at work.

Oh, my God!

The try-hardiness!

Yes! She's the queen of awkwardness!

Judges.

Ten. Shut up.

Ten.

Tens across the board. Oh!

And that's the walk of the night.

Yes!

Now...

I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Whoo! - No. Guys, what are we doing?

Just because sleeping in a scarf

is our idea of blackness

doesn't mean it has to be hers.

- Uh, yes, it does. - No.

There is no right way to be black.

I don't eat chicken.

- What? - How? Why?

- Why? Chicken is delicious.

- But it's chicken. - Okay, you know what?

Actually, that's fair.

I don't like "The Five Heartbeats."

- What? - Whoa.

- What is wrong with you? - I don't.

I don't think Leon's interesting.

- Do your eyes and ears work? - I don't know what to tell you.

Pussy work? - What is wrong with you?

- Okay, honestly, though, since...

We're having truth time,

I...

do not wear lotion.

- Wait, I'm sorry.

Hold on, hold on. What?

- I mean, you know, I just don't...

I don't like how it feels, like, when I sweat.

- Oh, you said lotion? - Yes, lotion.

- Oh, no. Fuck that.

- Morning, Fatimah.

I lost my favorite coffee mug last Friday.

It's a white mug that says "Killin' It."

Has anyone returned it?

- Ooh, girl, you lost your cup?

Not on my watch.

Let's review the security footage

from your office.

Uh, there's a camera in my office?

- Ooh, yeah, girl. I seent all your business.

I'm playing.

We never review the footage

unless we're looking for something specific.

- Mm. - Like today.

Or when I'm keeping an eye

on all my office dips.

They cannot be talking to each other.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's a lot of 'em.

Oh, well, then, it's just a mug.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

- Rewind!

Okay, here we are. Last Friday.

Oh! There's my mug.

Ugh. Thank you, girl.

I know you have more important things to do.

- You know what? I don't.

Besides, if we don't look out for each other, who will?

Ugh, look at me filing my nails at work.

How embarrassing.

- Uh-uh. Don't be embarrassed.

One time, I took my braids out right here at this desk.

I respect your hustle.

♪ ♪

- Hmm.

- Oops! Oh, no. Oh, God.

Well, we should turn that off

and focus on cleaning this up over here.

- Mm-mm, girl. I got no business tryna act healthy.

What are you doing, though?

♪ ♪

- I was just Lysoling my desk.

Kathy had been by with her sickly ass,

and you know what?

We should go give her a flu shot

instead of watching this footage.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Stop the tape! - Stop.

- What are you...

Girl, what is you doing?

♪ ♪

Oh, shit!

- That's not a knife!

Oh.

Ah.

♪ ♪

Wait.

You stole my mug?

- Oh, shit. It's your girl.

I forgot I stole that shit.

Mm.

Oh! I get it.

Okay, so you wanted to catch me stealing your mug,

so then you pretended

to murder somebody in your office.

Ooh, you are clever.

- Yes.

I pretended.

♪ ♪

Thanks.

- Hey, Fatimah.

I can't seem to find my mug.

It's, like, forest green.

It says "Stabbing is My Cardio."

Have you seen it?

♪ ♪

Bitch, you sure? - Shit!

- You better gag the children.

Is this a burger? Is it a hockey puck?

I don't know because you cooked it.

- Y'all need to "hairy" up.

- That your cousin? - I don't know.

- I like her hair, though. - Um...

- Can you do your hair like that?

Like a helicopter? - Look, Chris...

- What about a train? - Look...

- Huh? - I'll think about a train...

- What about the Empire State Building?

- I could do that.

- Hey, Fatimah.

Can't seem to find my mug.

It's forest green,

says "O.J. Simpson's My Hero"?

- Neither of us can win, and nobody...

Nope, that's not it.