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[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my god, Mr. President,
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welcome.
Is it just you?
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00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,699
No, I'm meeting some friends.
Okay.
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00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,029
Great.
Well, let me know if you have
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00:00:27,030 --> 00:00:30,029
any questions.
I do actually.
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00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:45,759
Is hpv different than HIV?
I'll give you a minute.
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♪♪♪
♪ just a small town girl
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living in a lonely world
she took the midnight train
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going anywhere ♪
♪♪♪
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Hey.
Hey.
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How you doing?
So, Rudy, did you go on fox
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00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:12,999
news last night?
Like 20 times, yeah.
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And don't worry, I told them you
were openly colluding with
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Russia, but then I ended with
"so what?"
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So it should all be fine.
Thanks, Rudy.
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I even confessed to some
crimes you didn't do.
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I said, what are you going to
do, arrest the president?
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I dare you.
Okay.
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I think they get the point.
Rudy, I really appreciate
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everything you've done for me.
Hey, you're the best and last
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client I'll ever have.
Michael cohn.
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There's my guy.
So how was work today?
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Ah, you know, really bad.
Mostly just preparing to go to
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jail and stuff.
They said I might get 20 years
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unless I give you up.
I heard jail's fun.
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Fun?
Yeah, like camp.
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Plus a free gym.
Dude, you're going to get so
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jacked.
Hey, they even have a program
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in jail where you can get a real
law degree.
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Ha-ha-ha!
Well, you can always come
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visit.
I would, but -- golf.
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00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,959
Anyway, you've got to focus
on the good times.
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Isn't that what you told me
once, boss?
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I did.
Yeah, remember, that's why
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you told me to keep a copy of
that Russian pee tape.
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00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:40,699
Oh, I gotta remember to show
that as a clip on CNN tomorrow.
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Don lemon's going to love that.
Hey, whatever happens, I'm
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proud of you, Michael.
Thanks, I love you, too.
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00:02:48,574 --> 00:02:54,773
I didn't say that.
Don Jr.!
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00:02:54,774 --> 00:03:02,043
Hey, dad.
So where's Eric?
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He's still parallel parking
outside.
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Dang it.
You know, I couldn't think of
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three people I'd rather be with
here tonight.
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My best son, and two of my last
15 lawyers.
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Hey, to a great first year of
the Russia investigation.
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And many more.
Dad, maybe tomorrow I can
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show you the Chinese deal we
didn't talk about.
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00:03:50,874 --> 00:03:52,343
Yeah, yeah.
That sounds great.
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00:03:52,344 --> 00:03:58,343
Is that Robert Mueller?
Oh, good news.
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00:03:58,344 --> 00:04:00,643
You know that woman who's suing
you for groping and defaming
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00:04:00,644 --> 00:04:03,613
her?
I found a guy who's willing to
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00:04:03,614 --> 00:04:08,713
threaten her kids.
That sounds great, Michael.
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00:04:08,714 --> 00:04:12,343
Am I the only one that sees that
guy?
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I think I figured out a
loophole where they can't
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legally subpoena you.
Okay, have you heard the phrase
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00:04:17,374 --> 00:04:20,073
"faking your own death?"
Sure, Rudy.
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We can look into that for sure.
Dad, are you okay?
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♪ Don't stop believing
hold on to the feeling
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00:04:33,144 --> 00:04:43,273
streetlights people ♪
♪♪♪
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Live from New York it's
"Saturday night"!
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"Saturday night"!
♪♪♪
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Announcer: It's "Saturday
night live"!
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With --
Beck Bennett, aidy Bryant,
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00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:29,713
Michael che, Pete Davidson,
Leslie Jones, Colin jost,
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00:05:29,714 --> 00:05:44,313
Kate McKinnon, Kyle mooney,
cecily strong, kenan Thompson,
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00:05:44,314 --> 00:06:00,413
featuring --
Mikey day, Heidi gardner,
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00:06:00,414 --> 00:06:15,513
Alex moffat, Luke null,
Chris redd, Melissa villasenor,
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00:06:15,514 --> 00:06:20,713
musical guest --
Nicki Minaj.
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And your host --
Tina fey!
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♪♪♪
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00:06:30,744 --> 00:06:34,814
Ladies and gentlemen, Tina fey!
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♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
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Thank you.
Thank you.
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00:06:59,374 --> 00:07:02,673
Thank you, guys.
It is great to be here hosting
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the season finale of "Saturday
night live."
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We've had a lovely time here
this week.
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In fact, I realize it has been
20 years since I first started
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working here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:07:13,574 --> 00:07:18,973
Yeah.
I got here on Monday.
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People on the crew came up to me
in the studio and said welcome
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home.
It made me feel so bad that I
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didn't remember their names.
Also, yesterday was my birthday.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
I turned 60.
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Not really, I just say that so
that people will be like, "wow,
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you look amazing."
Since it is my birthday this
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00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:50,060
week they said I could do
anything I wanted for my
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monologue, so I would like to
take some questions from the
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audience.
So does anyone have a question?
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Yes.
You, sir.
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00:07:56,861 --> 00:07:59,000
Yes, hi.
I have a question.
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00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:05,800
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you think that the show has
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00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:09,630
too many celebrity cameos these
days?
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00:08:09,631 --> 00:08:12,160
I'm worried the cast isn't
getting a chance to grow.
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00:08:12,161 --> 00:08:15,330
I agree.
Yeah, I think actually it kind
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of hurts the show a little bit.
Thank you.
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00:08:17,561 --> 00:08:21,200
You, sir?
Yes --
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no, I'm sorry.
I was pointing at the guy behind
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you.
Hi, yes.
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00:08:27,331 --> 00:08:30,030
Is kenan Thompson on the show
tonight?
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00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:33,260
Yes, kenan will definitely be
on the show tonight.
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00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:37,200
He's great.
Have you ever thought about
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00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:38,630
replacing Keenan with a slightly
more famous person?
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Could be fun.
I'll pass it along.
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Thank you.
Anyone else?
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Yes, over there, sir.
Uh, never mind.
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He already asked my question.
Okay.
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Yes, sir?
Yeah, hi.
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00:08:58,031 --> 00:09:03,260
I just wanted to ask.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:09:03,261 --> 00:09:10,330
With all the makeup, could you
tell that I was Robert Mueller?
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Yes, Mr. De niro, we knew
that was you.
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00:09:14,231 --> 00:09:18,060
Okay, okay, because that's a
big break for me.
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00:09:18,061 --> 00:09:21,800
Oh, hey, Fred armisen is
here.
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00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:26,960
Hi, buddy.
Hi, Tina.
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00:09:26,961 --> 00:09:28,700
Yeah, I have a question.
Do you think it's weird that so
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00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:33,230
many former cast members hang
around the show all the time?
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00:09:33,231 --> 00:09:34,330
There does seem to be a lot
of us.
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00:09:34,331 --> 00:09:38,930
Does it seem weird to you?
I think it's great.
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00:09:38,931 --> 00:09:41,660
Yeah, but, doesn't part of
you feel like when we come back,
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00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:43,730
we take up time that should go
to the new people on the show?
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00:09:43,731 --> 00:09:46,260
You know what, that's a good
point.
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00:09:46,261 --> 00:09:47,730
I guess, I shouldn't take up all
that time that new people could
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00:09:47,731 --> 00:09:54,560
be using.
You look great, by the way.
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00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:58,060
Oh, thanks.
You look great, too.
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00:09:58,061 --> 00:10:01,900
Thank you.
I'm on this new program.
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00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,730
I'm walking a lot.
Trying to have more of a regular
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00:10:04,731 --> 00:10:08,730
sleep schedule.
Drinking a lot of juice.
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00:10:08,731 --> 00:10:10,460
That sounds really healthy,
Fred.
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00:10:10,461 --> 00:10:12,360
Oh, it's so important.
Next time you're in L.A. I'm
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00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,600
going to take you to my juice
guy.
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00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:17,130
He's Brazilian, only speaks
Portuguese.
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00:10:17,131 --> 00:10:20,360
And he does this thing where he
puts a lot of the pulp of the
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00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:24,460
juices.
So you get more of the fiber.
133
00:10:24,461 --> 00:10:26,560
Otherwise you're just getting
the sugar and the water and
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00:10:26,561 --> 00:10:30,730
that's not enough.
The fiber is really what your
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00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,730
body wants.
I'm sorry, what was I talking
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00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:34,860
about?
Oh, yeah.
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00:10:34,861 --> 00:10:39,200
So the new people should have a
lot more camera time, yes.
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00:10:39,201 --> 00:10:47,760
Over here, yes.
Hi.
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00:10:47,761 --> 00:10:50,030
So that was actually Robert de
niro?
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00:10:50,031 --> 00:10:55,360
Yes, yes, it was.
Wow.
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00:10:55,361 --> 00:10:56,700
Yes?
Over here.
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00:10:56,701 --> 00:10:58,300
Yeah, hi.
Me, again.
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00:10:58,301 --> 00:11:00,560
I was just wondering how come
you haven't asked me to play
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anyone on the news.
I live right down the street.
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00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:06,900
Yeah.
That's a great question.
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00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:08,360
I don't know why they haven't
asked you to play someone on the
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00:11:08,361 --> 00:11:09,300
news.
I'm not in charge of that.
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00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:12,400
What about Steve mnuchin?
People say I look a little bit
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00:11:12,401 --> 00:11:13,360
like him.
Do you want to play
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00:11:13,361 --> 00:11:15,200
Steve mnuchin?
I don't know who he is, but
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00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:18,500
if I look like him, you know --
it would give me something to
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00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:19,930
do.
Okay, well, there's a sign-up
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00:11:19,931 --> 00:11:22,460
sheet in the hall.
Anyone else?
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00:11:22,461 --> 00:11:31,730
Yeah.
Hi.
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00:11:31,731 --> 00:11:35,230
I was here a couple of weeks ago
and I forgot my hat.
156
00:11:35,231 --> 00:11:37,460
I think I left it in the host
dressing room.
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00:11:37,461 --> 00:11:39,360
I think I saw it.
I'll try to get that back to
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00:11:39,361 --> 00:11:40,830
you.
Okay, cool.
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00:11:40,831 --> 00:11:43,560
But just so you know, I have a
system in place so I'll be able
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00:11:43,561 --> 00:11:48,030
to tell if you wore it or not.
Okay.
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00:11:48,031 --> 00:11:52,900
Well, if there are no more
questions, I guess we are done.
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00:11:52,901 --> 00:12:04,430
[ Cheers and applause ]
No, we are not, Tina.
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00:12:04,431 --> 00:12:06,960
If you thought I was going to
forget to surprise you on your
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00:12:06,961 --> 00:12:13,560
birthday, you are crazy.
On behalf of everyone here and
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00:12:13,561 --> 00:12:17,830
everyone watching at home or at
a bus station, happy birthday,
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00:12:17,831 --> 00:12:22,030
Tina fey.
Oh, thank you, Tracy.
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00:12:22,031 --> 00:12:25,100
[ Cheers and applause ]
My birthday was actually
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00:12:25,101 --> 00:12:30,730
yesterday.
Well, surprise, girl.
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00:12:30,731 --> 00:12:35,530
And if your man doesn't make you
feel special today, I will.
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00:12:35,531 --> 00:12:39,200
If your man doesn't give you
what you need today, I will.
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00:12:39,201 --> 00:12:40,530
You're friends with my
husband Jeff.
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00:12:40,531 --> 00:12:42,330
You worked together for a long
time.
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00:12:42,331 --> 00:12:45,130
Nah.
When it's birthdays all bets are
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00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,400
off.
You're 60, baby.
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That's gross, but I love you.
I love you, too, Tracy.
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00:12:49,361 --> 00:12:52,860
All right, we have a great show
tonight.
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00:12:52,861 --> 00:12:55,000
Do you know who's here?
Who?
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00:12:55,001 --> 00:13:00,330
Nicki Minaj is here.
Nicki Minaj is here?
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00:13:00,331 --> 00:13:02,000
Yeah.
I'm going to get that
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00:13:02,001 --> 00:13:02,830
pregnant.
Stick around.
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00:13:02,831 --> 00:13:03,231
We'll be right back.
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00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:09,030
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
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00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:13,160
♪♪♪
what's up?
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00:13:13,161 --> 00:13:17,885
It's your boy, Harry windsor,
aka Ron sleezeley.
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00:13:17,887 --> 00:13:22,522
Official wedding video 2018.
It's 2:00 A.M.
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00:13:22,524 --> 00:13:25,523
Royal reception still going
strong.
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00:13:25,524 --> 00:13:29,983
Meghan's in the hallway trying
to stop some of her white
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00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:32,453
relatives from getting in
because they're mental.
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00:13:32,454 --> 00:13:33,953
Let's see who's hanging out,
right?
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00:13:33,954 --> 00:13:37,323
Everybody's here.
What about you?
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00:13:37,324 --> 00:13:39,883
What's your name?
Deshaun.
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00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:41,853
I'm from Meghan's side of the
family.
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00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:46,983
Kind of figured that.
How are you feeling?
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00:13:46,984 --> 00:13:50,683
Outnumbered.
Sister-in-law, Kate
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00:13:50,684 --> 00:13:53,553
middleton.
You look a little tipsy.
196
00:13:53,554 --> 00:13:57,853
For the last six years I have
been pregnant the whole time.
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00:13:57,854 --> 00:14:00,583
I'm going hard tonight.
I can tell.
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00:14:00,584 --> 00:14:05,423
How much have you had to drink?
One glass of champagne!
199
00:14:05,424 --> 00:14:08,823
Whoo!
Lightweight.
200
00:14:08,824 --> 00:14:14,883
There he is.
Prince Charles himself.
201
00:14:14,884 --> 00:14:16,653
So, father, are you proud of
your youngest son?
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00:14:16,654 --> 00:14:20,953
Yes.
Anything else you'd like to
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00:14:20,954 --> 00:14:22,053
say?
No.
204
00:14:22,054 --> 00:14:27,623
All right.
Look at this.
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00:14:27,624 --> 00:14:31,853
Meghan's great uncle talking to
my grandmum, the queen of
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00:14:31,854 --> 00:14:36,953
england.
Hey, Harry.
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00:14:36,954 --> 00:14:42,123
I was just telling her majesty
she's got to start watching "the
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00:14:42,124 --> 00:14:44,353
crown".
They make her look like a bitch
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00:14:44,354 --> 00:14:48,153
on that show.
Girl, they done you dirty.
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00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,123
I see.
This gentleman has also said I
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00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:54,553
must I visit Philadelphia.
Yes.
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00:14:54,554 --> 00:14:57,683
You've got to visit Philly, man,
and get some real food.
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00:14:57,684 --> 00:15:01,823
Some Philly food.
Little drunk.
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00:15:01,824 --> 00:15:06,583
Good luck with that.
Get a shot of my brother
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00:15:06,584 --> 00:15:11,123
William.
The party animal right here.
216
00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:17,023
He looks 50 years old.
Oh, hello.
217
00:15:17,024 --> 00:15:18,523
William, what are you drinking,
mate?
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00:15:18,524 --> 00:15:22,853
A virgin hot toddy.
So a tea then basically.
219
00:15:22,854 --> 00:15:25,183
So sorry to hear your hair could
not make it.
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00:15:25,184 --> 00:15:27,753
Oh, ha, ha.
Brilliant.
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00:15:27,754 --> 00:15:31,853
What a brilliant boy.
Let's have a dance.
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00:15:31,854 --> 00:15:38,183
Wills, come on.
It's my reception.
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00:15:38,184 --> 00:15:40,653
Could bust a few grooves.
There you go.
224
00:15:40,654 --> 00:15:44,023
Oh, yeah.
Work it.
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00:15:44,024 --> 00:15:45,023
There you go.
Look at that.
226
00:15:45,024 --> 00:15:51,683
All right.
Grandmum saw that.
227
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,223
Bollocss.
That's all right.
228
00:15:53,224 --> 00:15:55,623
It's my fault, grandmum.
My fault.
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00:15:55,624 --> 00:16:05,853
I must apologize.
Let's go see the cheap seats.
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00:16:05,854 --> 00:16:10,783
We'll say hi to the rando table.
Every wedding's got one.
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00:16:10,784 --> 00:16:13,983
People you invite show up.
Even though you think they
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00:16:13,984 --> 00:16:20,453
wouldn't.
All right.
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00:16:20,454 --> 00:16:24,323
How are you doing?
Friend of Meghan's?
234
00:16:24,324 --> 00:16:25,983
I'm Amber.
I worked with Meghan on "deal or
235
00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:30,183
no deal."
We were briefcase girls
236
00:16:30,184 --> 00:16:33,123
together.
I brought my briefcase.
237
00:16:33,124 --> 00:16:37,283
You did.
She brought the briefcase.
238
00:16:37,284 --> 00:16:39,023
That's not sad at all.
Very cool.
239
00:16:39,024 --> 00:16:43,823
Love it.
Let me guess, you're from the
240
00:16:43,824 --> 00:16:46,253
groom's side.
Yes.
241
00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:51,023
I'm the duchess of Devonshire.
Your father's uncle once removed
242
00:16:51,024 --> 00:16:53,623
married my mum who is his
cousin.
243
00:16:53,624 --> 00:16:57,053
I am both your aunt and your
niece.
244
00:16:57,054 --> 00:16:58,653
Love it.
Last I saw you, you were a
245
00:16:58,654 --> 00:17:01,583
wee boy.
Just after a Polo match in --
246
00:17:01,584 --> 00:17:06,253
stop saying that.
I was kicked in the face by a
247
00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:10,853
horse.
Oh, aunty creepy.
248
00:17:10,854 --> 00:17:15,683
Dad used to say if we were bad
we'd have to come live with you.
249
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:17,223
Right he was.
I'm a monster and a bit of a
250
00:17:17,224 --> 00:17:21,183
pedophile.
Okay.
251
00:17:21,184 --> 00:17:23,853
Wish you weren't here.
Thank you for coming.
252
00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:27,023
Here's your hat.
That's concerning.
253
00:17:27,024 --> 00:17:29,983
All right.
The celebrity table.
254
00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:33,683
Russell brand right here.
Hello!
255
00:17:33,684 --> 00:17:34,953
All right.
That's all.
256
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:43,223
And sir Elton John.
♪ hold me closer, tiny ginger ♪
257
00:17:43,224 --> 00:17:46,453
Because of your hair.
Very clever.
258
00:17:46,454 --> 00:17:51,853
Are you enjoying yourself?
Look at my jacket, Harry.
259
00:17:51,854 --> 00:17:54,453
I'm having a wonderful -- ♪
Saturday, Saturday ♪
260
00:17:54,454 --> 00:17:57,553
He's singing the hits
already.
261
00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:06,123
An American celebrity, Ms.
Leslie Jones.
262
00:18:06,124 --> 00:18:08,023
Tell everyone why you're here.
Yeah.
263
00:18:08,024 --> 00:18:10,923
So I started tweeting about the
wedding two days ago.
264
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,453
Then I got invited.
Just like the Olympics.
265
00:18:13,454 --> 00:18:15,623
That's my thing.
I might be at the North Korea
266
00:18:15,624 --> 00:18:19,223
meeting.
We'll see.
267
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:22,653
Where's Oprah at?
There she goes.
268
00:18:22,654 --> 00:18:23,883
Oprah!
This is wild.
269
00:18:23,884 --> 00:18:30,553
Look what's going on over there.
Aunt creepy!
270
00:18:30,554 --> 00:18:31,783
No.
Okay.
271
00:18:31,784 --> 00:18:33,883
She's a pedophile.
All right.
272
00:18:33,884 --> 00:18:37,783
I need to stop Deshaun from
making the worst mistake of his
273
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,183
life.
Royal wedding 2018.
274
00:18:40,184 --> 00:18:41,453
Prince Harry markle signing off,
right?
275
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,683
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
276
00:18:42,684 --> 00:18:45,684
♪♪♪
277
00:18:52,324 --> 00:18:55,123
♪♪♪
♪ we're living ♪
278
00:18:55,124 --> 00:18:56,883
♪ in a world of insanity ♪
good morning.
279
00:19:00,316 --> 00:19:04,455
Good morning.
That's an original song by who?
280
00:19:04,456 --> 00:19:07,157
Who?
Moi.
281
00:19:07,159 --> 00:19:10,658
Joe scarborough.
It's called "world of insanity".
282
00:19:10,659 --> 00:19:13,158
Mika loves it.
Everybody already knows this,
283
00:19:13,159 --> 00:19:16,128
but Joe has a band.
That's right.
284
00:19:16,129 --> 00:19:21,028
We're called scarborough.
We played it Friday.
285
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:25,328
The audience was packed with
msnbc interns.
286
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:28,058
Welcome to "morning Joe."
It's like "crossfire" if it took
287
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:31,298
place in the cafe car of an
amtrak.
288
00:19:31,299 --> 00:19:33,658
I'm Joe.
That's Mika.
289
00:19:33,659 --> 00:19:35,828
Joining us is Norman Rockwell
painting come to life Willie
290
00:19:35,829 --> 00:19:38,698
geist.
Good morning.
291
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:46,498
We have a great show for you.
Mika has added two new
292
00:19:46,499 --> 00:19:48,558
exasperated groans to her
repertoire.
293
00:19:48,559 --> 00:19:50,828
Don't do it.
Watch this.
294
00:19:50,829 --> 00:19:53,098
Devin nunes says members of the
FBI.
295
00:19:53,099 --> 00:19:56,528
Gaah.
I love that one.
296
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,858
Very nice, Mika.
Very nice.
297
00:19:57,859 --> 00:19:59,528
I cannot do this.
All right.
298
00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:02,558
Now Trump said anyone who didn't
vote for Gina haspil isn't a
299
00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:09,328
feminist like he is.
[ Shrieking ]
300
00:20:09,329 --> 00:20:10,998
All right.
That tea kettle is about to
301
00:20:10,999 --> 00:20:13,428
blow.
The hypocrisy is
302
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:18,228
unparalleled.
There she goes.
303
00:20:18,229 --> 00:20:19,658
In this and every other time.
I can't and I won't and I --
304
00:20:19,659 --> 00:20:26,858
[ screeching ]
She's got a third
305
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,958
groan, but that's for daddy
only.
306
00:20:28,959 --> 00:20:30,898
Isn't it?
Would you stop?
307
00:20:30,899 --> 00:20:43,898
You're horrible.
You're worse.
308
00:20:43,899 --> 00:20:48,058
Willie geist.
The white house still hasn't
309
00:20:48,059 --> 00:20:50,958
apologized for the outrageous
remarks about senator John
310
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:52,428
mccain.
It's outrageous.
311
00:20:52,429 --> 00:20:56,698
I can't.
Kelly sadler made a comment
312
00:20:56,699 --> 00:20:59,258
about John mccain who is very
sick.
313
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:03,858
Unconscionable.
Joining us now is a woman who
314
00:21:03,859 --> 00:21:07,898
has been very hurt by all of
this, Megan mccain.
315
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:13,128
Hi, Joe.
Hi there.
316
00:21:13,129 --> 00:21:14,198
Megan, such a pleasure to have
you on.
317
00:21:14,199 --> 00:21:15,628
Now these comments about your
dad are frankly disrespectful.
318
00:21:15,629 --> 00:21:16,698
Vile.
What's your reaction here?
319
00:21:16,699 --> 00:21:18,198
Well, I --
from where we're sitting your
320
00:21:18,199 --> 00:21:21,728
dad is a hero.
Truly.
321
00:21:21,729 --> 00:21:25,658
The man was tortured for six
years.
322
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,728
I have his picture on my
fireplace.
323
00:21:26,729 --> 00:21:30,298
Tell us what you are feeling
right now.
324
00:21:30,299 --> 00:21:32,598
I --
because I would be --
325
00:21:32,599 --> 00:21:36,258
me, too.
I would be outraged.
326
00:21:36,259 --> 00:21:38,098
You're holding up great.
You're amazing.
327
00:21:38,099 --> 00:21:42,898
Megan mccain, thanks for
joining us.
328
00:21:42,899 --> 00:21:47,428
Hang in there, okay?
She's a peach.
329
00:21:47,429 --> 00:21:49,498
Beautiful woman.
Well, you know, she's no Mika
330
00:21:49,499 --> 00:21:54,628
mouse, I'll tell you that.
Yeah?
331
00:21:54,629 --> 00:21:56,258
That's right.
You want to play peekaboo
332
00:21:56,259 --> 00:22:00,528
with your Mika mouse?
You bet I do.
333
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:05,728
Yeah?
Peek.
334
00:22:05,729 --> 00:22:11,228
A.
Boob.
335
00:22:11,229 --> 00:22:15,358
Mama cita.
That's okay.
336
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:19,058
Well, the senate has released
thousands of pages about the
337
00:22:19,059 --> 00:22:23,328
June 2016 meeting between
members of the Trump campaign
338
00:22:23,329 --> 00:22:25,798
and Russians who said they had
damaging information on Hillary
339
00:22:25,799 --> 00:22:28,128
Clinton.
Wow.
340
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:31,058
President Trump said he knew
nothing about the meeting.
341
00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:32,528
I'll bet.
Uh-huh.
342
00:22:32,529 --> 00:22:38,658
Here to help us explain all this
is the Russian lawyer who was
343
00:22:38,659 --> 00:22:42,898
there Natalia.
Greetings, Joe and Mika.
344
00:22:42,899 --> 00:22:44,328
I'm so happy to clear this up.
So Don Jr. thought you had
345
00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:45,358
secret information on Hillary
Clinton.
346
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:49,198
That's collusion, isn't it?
No, Joe.
347
00:22:49,199 --> 00:22:51,428
They say this meeting is
illegal.
348
00:22:51,429 --> 00:22:54,098
It's so ridiculous.
It makes me laugh hysterically.
349
00:22:54,099 --> 00:23:01,058
Ha, ha.
Did Donald Trump know about
350
00:23:01,059 --> 00:23:02,758
the meeting?
Of course not.
351
00:23:02,759 --> 00:23:09,428
The meeting was top secret held
at an undisclosed location at
352
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:12,398
Trump tower three floors below
the apartment of Donald Trump.
353
00:23:12,399 --> 00:23:17,228
So the meeting took place in
Trump tower with Donald Trump's
354
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,358
son and Donald Trump knew
nothing about it?
355
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,558
When you say it like that it
sounds like idiot, but yes.
356
00:23:21,559 --> 00:23:25,428
Tell us exactly what happened
in that meeting.
357
00:23:25,429 --> 00:23:27,458
It was harmless.
I go to Trump tower.
358
00:23:27,459 --> 00:23:30,928
It's a beautiful place.
The stores, shops that sell
359
00:23:30,929 --> 00:23:33,698
Cologne and fancy chocolate.
It's like a very tall duty-free
360
00:23:33,699 --> 00:23:36,858
store.
We went to meet with Don Jr. who
361
00:23:36,859 --> 00:23:40,528
is a mysterious man.
You don't know where his chin
362
00:23:40,529 --> 00:23:44,858
ends and his neck begins.
Then the meeting begins with the
363
00:23:44,859 --> 00:23:48,528
customary Russian gift -- oh, my
english isn't good.
364
00:23:48,529 --> 00:23:53,128
The rectangle with money.
A bribe.
365
00:23:53,129 --> 00:23:56,258
Then I say my name is Natalia.
I am a lawyer who can help make
366
00:23:56,259 --> 00:23:58,698
Mr. Trump lots of money from
Russia.
367
00:23:58,699 --> 00:24:01,328
They say we have one of those
named Michael cohn.
368
00:24:01,329 --> 00:24:03,898
Then they leave.
Easy meeting.
369
00:24:03,899 --> 00:24:10,198
Very fun.
No one was poisoned.
370
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:12,258
Well, I guess that settles
it.
371
00:24:12,259 --> 00:24:13,328
Thank you.
Thank you.
372
00:24:13,329 --> 00:24:15,528
Let's take a break.
As we go out here's a preview of
373
00:24:15,529 --> 00:24:19,058
Joe's new single "circus fun".
Available on iTunes, gang.
374
00:24:19,059 --> 00:24:24,359
♪♪♪
375
00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:30,236
Ladies and gentlemen,
Nicki Minaj.
376
00:24:30,237 --> 00:24:33,007
[ Cheers and applause ]
377
00:24:33,667 --> 00:24:40,675
♪♪♪
♪ ay yo
378
00:24:40,677 --> 00:24:43,776
look like I'm
goin' for a swim
379
00:24:43,777 --> 00:24:45,306
dunked on 'em ♪
♪ now I'm swingin'
380
00:24:45,307 --> 00:24:47,406
off the rim
she ain't comin'
381
00:24:47,407 --> 00:24:50,006
off the bench ♪
♪ while I'm comin' off
382
00:24:50,007 --> 00:24:52,106
the court full drenched
here go some haterade
383
00:24:52,107 --> 00:24:54,146
get your thirst quenched ♪
♪ style'd on 'em
384
00:24:54,147 --> 00:24:59,776
in this burberry trench
these girls copy every word
385
00:24:59,777 --> 00:25:01,846
every inch ♪
♪ but gang gang got the
386
00:25:01,847 --> 00:25:03,506
hammer and the wrench
I pull up in that quarter
387
00:25:03,507 --> 00:25:04,976
milli off the lot ♪
♪ oh now she tryna be
388
00:25:04,977 --> 00:25:07,606
friends like I forgot
show off my diamonds like
389
00:25:07,607 --> 00:25:13,176
I'm signed by the roc ♪
♪ ain't pushin' out his
390
00:25:13,177 --> 00:25:14,706
babies 'til he buy the rock
ay yo I been on
391
00:25:14,707 --> 00:25:16,346
chick you been con ♪
♪ Bentley tints on
392
00:25:16,347 --> 00:25:17,846
fendi prints on
I mean I been storm
393
00:25:17,847 --> 00:25:20,946
X-Men benz foreign ♪
♪ he keep on dialing Nicki
394
00:25:20,947 --> 00:25:22,506
like the prince song
I been on
395
00:25:22,507 --> 00:25:24,606
chick you been con ♪
♪ Bentley tints on
396
00:25:24,607 --> 00:25:26,676
fendi prints on
ay yo I been north
397
00:25:26,677 --> 00:25:29,776
Laura been croft ♪
♪ plates say Chun-Li
398
00:25:29,777 --> 00:25:32,906
drop the benz off
oh I get it
399
00:25:32,907 --> 00:25:36,076
they paintin' me out ♪
♪ to be the bad guy
400
00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:39,146
well it's the last time
you're gonna see a bad guy
401
00:25:39,147 --> 00:25:43,346
do the rap game like me ♪
♪ I went and copped
402
00:25:43,347 --> 00:25:45,406
the chopsticks
put it in my bun
403
00:25:45,407 --> 00:25:49,576
just to pop -- ♪
♪ I'm always in the top
404
00:25:49,577 --> 00:25:51,846
box seats chick
how many of them could've ♪
405
00:25:51,847 --> 00:25:53,746
♪ did it with finesse
now everybody like
406
00:25:53,747 --> 00:25:55,346
she really is the best
you play checkers ♪
407
00:25:55,347 --> 00:25:58,406
♪ couldn't beat me
playin' chess
408
00:25:58,407 --> 00:25:59,976
now I'm about to turn
around and beat my chest ♪
409
00:25:59,977 --> 00:26:02,046
♪ it's king Kong
yes it's king Kong
410
00:26:02,047 --> 00:26:05,676
it's king Kong
this is king Kong ♪
411
00:26:05,677 --> 00:26:08,276
♪ Chinese ink on
siamese links on
412
00:26:08,277 --> 00:26:10,376
call me 2 chainz
name go ding dong ♪
413
00:26:10,377 --> 00:26:11,906
♪ ay yo it's king Kong
yes I'm king Kong
414
00:26:11,907 --> 00:26:17,646
dis is king Kong
yes miss king Kong ♪
415
00:26:17,647 --> 00:26:22,246
♪ in my kingdom ♪
♪
416
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:23,276
How many championships
what?
417
00:26:23,277 --> 00:26:26,046
Six rings on ♪
♪ they need rappers like me
418
00:26:26,047 --> 00:26:27,276
they need rappers like me
so they can get on their
419
00:26:27,277 --> 00:26:29,006
keyboards and make me ♪
♪ the bad guy
420
00:26:29,007 --> 00:26:31,076
Chun-Li Chun-Li
New York make some noise
421
00:26:31,077 --> 00:26:33,746
ay yo I been on ♪
♪ chick you been con
422
00:26:33,747 --> 00:26:35,206
Bentley tints on
fendi prints on
423
00:26:35,207 --> 00:26:37,846
I mean I been storm ♪
♪ X-Men benz foreign
424
00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:40,446
he keep on dialing Nicki
like the prince song
425
00:26:40,447 --> 00:26:42,506
I been on ♪
♪ chick you been con
426
00:26:42,507 --> 00:26:45,106
Bentley tints on
fendi prints on
427
00:26:45,107 --> 00:26:48,246
ay yo I been north ♪
♪ Laura been croft
428
00:26:48,247 --> 00:26:53,646
plates say chung-li
drop the benz off
429
00:26:53,647 --> 00:27:04,046
[ cheers and applause ]
I am alive ♪
430
00:27:04,047 --> 00:27:06,106
♪ I'm always sky high
designer thigh highs
431
00:27:06,107 --> 00:27:07,676
it's my lifestyle
I am alive ♪
432
00:27:07,677 --> 00:27:11,306
♪ I I'm always sky high
designer thigh highs
433
00:27:11,307 --> 00:27:21,846
it's my lifestyle
I need a Mai Tai ♪
434
00:27:21,847 --> 00:27:26,946
If you trying to get drunk, make
some noise ♪
435
00:27:26,947 --> 00:27:57,206
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
436
00:28:01,003 --> 00:28:02,589
It's "weekendupdate"
437
00:28:02,591 --> 00:28:07,330
with Colin jost and
Michael che.
438
00:28:07,331 --> 00:28:13,323
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
439
00:28:13,325 --> 00:28:14,724
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update."
440
00:28:14,725 --> 00:28:16,879
I'm Michael che.
And I'm Colin jost.
441
00:28:16,881 --> 00:28:20,562
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, Thursday marked the
442
00:28:20,564 --> 00:28:23,246
one-year anniversary of the
start of Robert Mueller's
443
00:28:23,248 --> 00:28:27,747
investigation which is the first
anniversary Trump actually
444
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:30,907
remembered.
Just ask his wife Melanie.
445
00:28:30,908 --> 00:28:35,707
[ Laughter ]
For those of us following this
446
00:28:35,708 --> 00:28:37,507
investigation it's been an
exhausting year.
447
00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:39,147
It actually ages a person.
Here is a picture of me and che
448
00:28:39,148 --> 00:28:43,207
now.
And here's a picture of us from
449
00:28:43,208 --> 00:28:49,007
last year.
I think with the Russia
450
00:28:49,008 --> 00:28:52,877
investigation ultimately what
you think depends on what you
451
00:28:52,878 --> 00:28:54,847
think of Trump.
It's sort of like when you hear
452
00:28:54,848 --> 00:29:01,147
this --
yan, yan
453
00:29:01,148 --> 00:29:08,207
.
yanny, yanny.
454
00:29:08,208 --> 00:29:12,307
Some people hear "yanny"
while idiots hear Laurel.
455
00:29:12,308 --> 00:29:13,577
[ Laughter ]
And that's how it was with the
456
00:29:13,578 --> 00:29:14,877
Russia investigation.
If you like Trump this is what
457
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:15,807
you hear.
It's a witch hunt.
458
00:29:15,808 --> 00:29:16,907
That's all it is.
There was no collusion.
459
00:29:16,908 --> 00:29:18,207
But if you don't like Trump
this is what you hear.
460
00:29:18,208 --> 00:29:21,647
I'm getting away with it,
bitches.
461
00:29:21,648 --> 00:29:27,907
[ Laughter ]
President Trump posted a
462
00:29:27,908 --> 00:29:30,077
sarcastic message on the
anniversary of the Mueller probe
463
00:29:30,078 --> 00:29:32,377
saying congratulations, America.
We are now in the second year of
464
00:29:32,378 --> 00:29:34,347
the greatest witch hunt in
American history.
465
00:29:34,348 --> 00:29:40,647
Do you know what?
It is pretty great.
466
00:29:40,648 --> 00:29:44,007
Personally I like how unfair and
mean-spirited it is.
467
00:29:44,008 --> 00:29:46,807
It's not every day a black man
can root for the feds but I'm
468
00:29:46,808 --> 00:29:55,847
enjoying this.
I feel like I'm watching Rachel
469
00:29:55,848 --> 00:29:59,147
dolezad get kicked out of a
Starbucks.
470
00:29:59,148 --> 00:30:01,107
I'm for that.
Rudy giuliani claimed his
471
00:30:01,108 --> 00:30:04,607
legal team was told off the
record of an informant in the
472
00:30:04,608 --> 00:30:07,607
Trump campaign which is
hilarious because he's like a
473
00:30:07,608 --> 00:30:11,577
rapper who sings about the
people he shot, gets locked up
474
00:30:11,578 --> 00:30:15,447
for it and says, yo, somebody's
snitching.
475
00:30:15,448 --> 00:30:18,177
It was reported president
Trump talked to Sean hannity
476
00:30:18,178 --> 00:30:21,947
almost every night before bed.
I never thought I would say
477
00:30:21,948 --> 00:30:26,407
this, but poor Sean hannity.
Can you imagine a worse voice to
478
00:30:26,408 --> 00:30:30,277
hear before you go to sleep?
Just heavy breathing mixed with
479
00:30:30,278 --> 00:30:32,947
the crinkling of cheeseburger
wrappers.
480
00:30:32,948 --> 00:30:37,907
And was that a flush?
Also, Sean hannity is a
481
00:30:37,908 --> 00:30:39,947
journalist.
Imagine Obama was calling
482
00:30:39,948 --> 00:30:42,807
Anderson Cooper every night
before he went to bed.
483
00:30:42,808 --> 00:30:47,877
Anderson can.
I just think hannity loses a lot
484
00:30:47,878 --> 00:30:52,777
of integrity as a journalist if
he ends his night saying, no,
485
00:30:52,778 --> 00:30:58,847
Mr. President, you hang up.
North Korea issued a
486
00:30:58,848 --> 00:31:02,307
statement condemning national
security advisor John Bolton
487
00:31:02,308 --> 00:31:03,707
saying they do not hide their
feelings of repugnance toward
488
00:31:03,708 --> 00:31:08,107
him which I get.
Look at him.
489
00:31:08,108 --> 00:31:12,247
He looks like he still calls
jazz jungle music.
490
00:31:12,248 --> 00:31:14,007
Trump promised protection for
Kim jong-un if he makes a deal
491
00:31:14,008 --> 00:31:16,277
during their meetings but warned
that if talks fall apart he
492
00:31:16,278 --> 00:31:20,177
would decimate them.
You know, real nobel peace prize
493
00:31:20,178 --> 00:31:23,207
stuff.
Reminds me of
494
00:31:23,208 --> 00:31:24,607
Martin Luther King's speech,
dream or nightmare, take your
495
00:31:24,608 --> 00:31:28,377
pick.
[ Laughter ]
496
00:31:28,378 --> 00:31:30,847
New footage was released of
Bill Gates talking about a
497
00:31:30,848 --> 00:31:34,177
meeting with President Trump in
which Trump asked him if hpv and
498
00:31:34,178 --> 00:31:37,377
HIV were the same thing.
Adding, and which is the one
499
00:31:37,378 --> 00:31:43,807
that shows "property brothers?"
[ Laughter ]
500
00:31:43,808 --> 00:31:47,077
And for real, Trump asked this
of Bill Gates on two separate
501
00:31:47,078 --> 00:31:54,677
occasions.
So you know homey got hpv.
502
00:31:54,678 --> 00:31:58,177
Homey?
Jared kushner and
503
00:31:58,178 --> 00:32:01,777
ivanka Trump attended the ribbon
cutting ceremony of the new U.S.
504
00:32:01,778 --> 00:32:04,847
Embassy in Jerusalem, or as they
call a ribbon cutting ceremony
505
00:32:04,848 --> 00:32:10,377
in Israel, a bris.
In Israel, a bris.
506
00:32:10,378 --> 00:32:12,947
This week the senate
released over 2,000 pages of
507
00:32:12,948 --> 00:32:15,947
testimony regarding a 2016
meeting at Trump tower with a
508
00:32:15,948 --> 00:32:20,607
Russian lawyer.
Here to comment are first sons
509
00:32:20,608 --> 00:32:34,507
Eric and Donald Trump, Jr.
yes.
510
00:32:34,508 --> 00:32:38,447
Eric, what do you say when
you are a guest at someone's
511
00:32:38,448 --> 00:32:39,177
place?
I'm sorry.
512
00:32:39,178 --> 00:32:41,477
I missed the toilet.
No, bud.
513
00:32:41,478 --> 00:32:44,107
That's a great start.
Don, Jr., many in the media are
514
00:32:44,108 --> 00:32:47,377
speculating that calls made to a
blocked number before and after
515
00:32:47,378 --> 00:32:51,547
your Trump tower meeting were
calls you made to your father.
516
00:32:51,548 --> 00:33:00,107
This may sound crazy, Colin,
but the dishonest media is being
517
00:33:00,108 --> 00:33:05,177
dishonest.
Eric.
518
00:33:05,178 --> 00:33:10,377
That's a high five, bud.
All right.
519
00:33:10,378 --> 00:33:14,647
Baby steps, buddy.
Colin, as I repeatedly said, I
520
00:33:14,648 --> 00:33:19,247
never spoke with my father about
that harmless little meeting.
521
00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:21,307
Okay.
So you don't remember whose
522
00:33:21,308 --> 00:33:22,947
blocked number that was?
No.
523
00:33:22,948 --> 00:33:26,347
I do.
You said, siri, call dad.
524
00:33:26,348 --> 00:33:29,577
No, I did not, Eric.
How could you possibly remember
525
00:33:29,578 --> 00:33:35,247
that?
I have a pornographic memory.
526
00:33:35,248 --> 00:33:38,447
Bud, it's photographic
memory, okay?
527
00:33:38,448 --> 00:33:42,607
And you don't.
All right.
528
00:33:42,608 --> 00:33:44,607
Let's get back to the meeting
for a second.
529
00:33:44,608 --> 00:33:47,747
Some democrats are calling on
the judiciary committee to
530
00:33:47,748 --> 00:33:49,907
subpoena your phone records.
Yeah.
531
00:33:49,908 --> 00:33:53,847
They need to give it up.
Because there is no collusion
532
00:33:53,848 --> 00:33:56,347
here.
You know, Colin, I'm reminded of
533
00:33:56,348 --> 00:34:00,607
some words of wisdom my father
gave us as boys.
534
00:34:00,608 --> 00:34:05,077
He sat us down, pointed to a
framed picture of the designs
535
00:34:05,078 --> 00:34:09,707
for Trump tower and said --
look at all the hidden
536
00:34:09,708 --> 00:34:10,477
swastikas.
No.
537
00:34:10,478 --> 00:34:13,607
Eric, you want to play with your
play-doh, buddy?
538
00:34:13,608 --> 00:34:15,877
Yeah.
There you go.
539
00:34:15,878 --> 00:34:18,077
Really into play-doh lately.
That's great.
540
00:34:18,078 --> 00:34:22,847
The bottom line -- bud, it's
a whole thing.
541
00:34:22,848 --> 00:34:28,377
You don't know how it works?
Put some play doh in here, push
542
00:34:28,378 --> 00:34:32,147
the lever down.
Come on.
543
00:34:32,148 --> 00:34:43,047
Push it down.
Look at that.
544
00:34:43,048 --> 00:34:47,247
It makes noodles.
Get cooking, chef Eric.
545
00:34:47,248 --> 00:34:48,507
Proud of you.
Great.
546
00:34:48,508 --> 00:34:53,007
The bottom line, Colin, is
this is just another desperate
547
00:34:53,008 --> 00:34:58,077
attempt by the liberals to
undermine all the great work my
548
00:34:58,078 --> 00:35:02,377
father is doing in the white
house.
549
00:35:02,378 --> 00:35:07,607
Eric?
Did you eat play-doh?
550
00:35:07,608 --> 00:35:11,307
No.
Do not eat play-doh.
551
00:35:11,308 --> 00:35:15,547
It's bad for you, buddy.
Spit it out.
552
00:35:15,548 --> 00:35:20,547
There you go.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
553
00:35:20,548 --> 00:35:21,977
Yeah.
I feel it was a success.
554
00:35:21,978 --> 00:35:23,677
Yeah.
This went great.
555
00:35:23,678 --> 00:35:26,507
We better get going.
We have a big day tomorrow.
556
00:35:26,508 --> 00:35:29,307
I'm having lunch with some new
clients from Indonesia.
557
00:35:29,308 --> 00:35:32,677
And I'm going to see "paw
patrol" on ice.
558
00:35:32,678 --> 00:35:35,377
Eric and Donald Trump, Jr.,
everyone.
559
00:35:35,378 --> 00:35:45,007
[ Cheers and applause ]
Earlier today "suits" actress
560
00:35:45,008 --> 00:35:48,007
Meghan markle married some
unemployed dude who lives with
561
00:35:48,008 --> 00:35:53,507
his grandma.
A report found 86% of people
562
00:35:53,508 --> 00:35:56,277
arrested in New York for
marijuana possession are black
563
00:35:56,278 --> 00:35:58,777
or latino.
Well, duh.
564
00:35:58,778 --> 00:36:01,547
We're the only ones they search.
That's like saying the only
565
00:36:01,548 --> 00:36:05,507
people that have stds are the
people that take tests for stds.
566
00:36:05,508 --> 00:36:07,247
We are not the only ones who
carry drugs.
567
00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:11,747
If cops searched white dudes in
cargo shorts prison would look
568
00:36:11,748 --> 00:36:17,807
like a Dave Matthews concert.
You know, people are talking
569
00:36:17,808 --> 00:36:19,777
about needing diversity in
Hollywood.
570
00:36:19,778 --> 00:36:20,777
Do you know where we need
diversity?
571
00:36:20,778 --> 00:36:28,007
Jail.
Forget oscars are too white.
572
00:36:28,008 --> 00:36:33,607
Prisons are too black, Colin.
A new report selected the
573
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:36,677
fittest city in the country to
be Arlington, Virginia, while
574
00:36:36,678 --> 00:36:40,747
the least fit city was once
again man boobs, Louisiana.
575
00:36:40,748 --> 00:36:44,407
Again man boobs, Louisiana.
The unexpected star of the
576
00:36:44,408 --> 00:36:50,107
royal wedding this morning is
Chicago bishop Michael curry who
577
00:36:50,108 --> 00:36:52,507
delivered a sermon called
unconventional.
578
00:36:52,508 --> 00:37:02,507
Here to explain is bishop
Michael curry.
579
00:37:02,508 --> 00:37:05,577
Hey, Michael.
Thank the lord above.
580
00:37:05,578 --> 00:37:07,507
It is good to be around black
folks again.
581
00:37:07,508 --> 00:37:10,277
So how was it?
Did you see it?
582
00:37:10,278 --> 00:37:12,107
Oh it was tough, man.
Real tough.
583
00:37:12,108 --> 00:37:15,477
I preached.
And I testified.
584
00:37:15,478 --> 00:37:19,247
And I yelled while 500 stuffy
english people looked at me like
585
00:37:19,248 --> 00:37:22,777
I was a fart in an elevator.
[ Laughter ]
586
00:37:22,778 --> 00:37:25,777
And I feel for you.
What did it feel like up there?
587
00:37:25,778 --> 00:37:30,077
It felt kind of like somebody
opened up a chicken and waffles
588
00:37:30,078 --> 00:37:31,947
kiosk in the middle of a pottery
barn.
589
00:37:31,948 --> 00:37:36,077
I was working, Michael.
I'm up there giving my all and a
590
00:37:36,078 --> 00:37:39,547
sea of white faces is just
looking back at me.
591
00:37:39,548 --> 00:37:41,177
And I thought, lord help me,
this must be what it's like to
592
00:37:41,178 --> 00:37:46,347
be Darius rucker.
I take it you've never done a
593
00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:48,547
royal wedding before.
Oh, of course I haven't
594
00:37:48,548 --> 00:37:50,407
Michael.
I'm a black preacher from
595
00:37:50,408 --> 00:37:53,947
Chicago.
The biggest wedding I ever did
596
00:37:53,948 --> 00:37:58,347
was for Scotty pippin.
Despite the crowd your sermon
597
00:37:58,348 --> 00:38:00,447
got great reviews.
Well that's because it was
598
00:38:00,448 --> 00:38:03,377
all about love.
Love is great.
599
00:38:03,378 --> 00:38:06,947
Love is redemptive.
Love can change the world.
600
00:38:06,948 --> 00:38:12,077
And love is what makes a Subaru
a Subaru.
601
00:38:12,078 --> 00:38:16,247
Subaru!
I thought you did great.
602
00:38:16,248 --> 00:38:17,707
Some people thought you went on
too long.
603
00:38:17,708 --> 00:38:20,377
Oh, that's nonsense.
They told me I had five minutes
604
00:38:20,378 --> 00:38:24,507
but the good lord multiplied it
into a cool 16.
605
00:38:24,508 --> 00:38:27,007
You did great and the world
knows your name now.
606
00:38:27,008 --> 00:38:29,147
I'm excited.
When you're a black preacher who
607
00:38:29,148 --> 00:38:35,777
becomes famous you either get
your phone tapped by the FBI or
608
00:38:35,778 --> 00:38:38,577
audited by the IRS.
I'm looking forward to it.
609
00:38:38,578 --> 00:38:45,507
Bishop curry, everybody.
Bishop curry, everybody.
610
00:38:45,508 --> 00:38:49,307
American airlines revised
the guidelines to ban passengers
611
00:38:49,308 --> 00:38:52,377
from bringing goats and
hedgehogs on board as emotional
612
00:38:52,378 --> 00:38:55,707
support animals.
Meanwhile at spirit airlines
613
00:38:55,708 --> 00:39:02,007
it's still a full-on Noah's ark.
A nonprofit group announced
614
00:39:02,008 --> 00:39:04,647
plans to create a library on the
moon.
615
00:39:04,648 --> 00:39:13,847
Cool, said kids in Chicago.
Police in Philadelphia say a
616
00:39:13,848 --> 00:39:18,247
6-year-old girl discovered a bag
of cocaine in another student's
617
00:39:18,248 --> 00:39:19,547
backpack.
The student was bringing the
618
00:39:19,548 --> 00:39:24,077
cocaine in for show and tell --
tell, tell!
619
00:39:24,078 --> 00:39:26,907
That's a nice one.
That's sweet.
620
00:39:26,908 --> 00:39:29,707
Kids want cocaine.
Really sweet.
621
00:39:29,708 --> 00:39:32,077
This is the last episode of
the season.
622
00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:36,007
There were a lot of jokes we
tried and some were deemed too
623
00:39:36,008 --> 00:39:38,877
offensive to do on air.
We decided since it is the
624
00:39:38,878 --> 00:39:42,847
end of the year we are going to
do some anyway.
625
00:39:42,848 --> 00:39:47,077
How about that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
626
00:39:47,078 --> 00:39:51,377
The boy scouts of America
agreed this week to allow girls
627
00:39:51,378 --> 00:39:53,047
into their organization because
somebody's got to sew those
628
00:39:53,048 --> 00:39:57,347
badges on.
Now, again these jokes are
629
00:39:57,348 --> 00:39:58,447
offensive.
That's why we won't tell them on
630
00:39:58,448 --> 00:40:01,347
air.
These are ones we won't be
631
00:40:01,348 --> 00:40:04,247
telling.
A restaurant in Texas has
632
00:40:04,248 --> 00:40:08,247
created a controversy by putting
pictures of Bruce jenner on the
633
00:40:08,248 --> 00:40:10,607
men's room door and
Caitlyn jenner on the women's
634
00:40:10,608 --> 00:40:13,707
room door.
Worse, they called the handicap
635
00:40:13,708 --> 00:40:19,447
door Rob.
You can't do that joke.
636
00:40:19,448 --> 00:40:23,447
You can't.
You can't do that on TV.
637
00:40:23,448 --> 00:40:26,807
Pennsylvania police
arrested a one-armed woman who
638
00:40:26,808 --> 00:40:28,177
was trying to Rob a bank.
Police say the hardest part was
639
00:40:28,178 --> 00:40:30,877
figuring out how to handcuff
her.
640
00:40:30,878 --> 00:40:36,347
Now that's -- that's just you
can't say that.
641
00:40:36,348 --> 00:40:38,807
Pornhub -- this is very
exciting.
642
00:40:38,808 --> 00:40:40,047
Pornhub has released their
parody of the musical
643
00:40:40,048 --> 00:40:43,707
"Hamilton."
in the porn version "Hamilton"
644
00:40:43,708 --> 00:40:54,177
absolutely throws away his shot.
New York daily news published
645
00:40:54,178 --> 00:40:58,647
an editorial calling for new
York to legalize marijuana
646
00:40:58,648 --> 00:41:00,847
saying the current laws
primarily hurt people of color,
647
00:41:00,848 --> 00:41:04,607
but since it is the daily news
the headline read, "pot cigs
648
00:41:04,608 --> 00:41:10,547
catch nigs."
Nope.
649
00:41:10,548 --> 00:41:16,407
Went better than when I did
it.
650
00:41:16,408 --> 00:41:19,577
The plastic surgery obsessed
woman known as cat woman has
651
00:41:19,578 --> 00:41:22,577
filed for bankruptcy.
Don't worry.
652
00:41:22,578 --> 00:41:24,607
From the looks of her, this is
one cat who always lands on her
653
00:41:24,608 --> 00:41:32,747
face.
With weekend update I'm Colin
654
00:41:32,748 --> 00:41:44,332
jost.
I'm Michael che.
655
00:41:44,334 --> 00:41:47,933
I'm Dana milbrook.
Every day, millions of perverts
656
00:41:47,934 --> 00:41:52,203
attempt to buy sex on line.
It's a disgusting industry that
657
00:41:52,204 --> 00:41:58,203
fuels human trafficking and
we're doing our part to stop it.
658
00:41:58,204 --> 00:42:01,303
This is "pervert hunters."
This creep thinks he's meeting a
659
00:42:01,304 --> 00:42:04,433
Romanian prostitute named
svetla.
660
00:42:05,567 --> 00:42:12,067
Let's see what happens when he
meets me instead.
661
00:42:12,069 --> 00:42:15,072
Hello?
Svetla?
662
00:42:15,073 --> 00:42:17,682
Hi there.
Why don't you have a seat?
663
00:42:17,683 --> 00:42:19,664
Uh, wait.
Who are you?
664
00:42:19,688 --> 00:42:22,445
We'll get to that.
What's in the bag?
665
00:42:22,447 --> 00:42:28,216
None of your business.
Looks like beer, condoms,
666
00:42:28,217 --> 00:42:29,646
what's this?
Cookies?
667
00:42:29,647 --> 00:42:33,476
I wonder if they serve jookies
in Kale.
668
00:42:33,477 --> 00:42:37,576
Oh, crap.
Cut!
669
00:42:37,577 --> 00:42:38,816
Cookies in jail.
Sorry.
670
00:42:38,817 --> 00:42:42,076
It's fine.
Hi, I'm Mitch, the director.
671
00:42:42,077 --> 00:42:43,376
Director?
What is this?
672
00:42:43,377 --> 00:42:45,176
You're on "pervert hunters",
it's a show.
673
00:42:45,177 --> 00:42:48,416
The show where they catch
online creeps?
674
00:42:48,417 --> 00:42:49,776
Yeah.
You're the creep we're catching
675
00:42:49,777 --> 00:42:52,416
in this episode.
We need to get that entrance
676
00:42:52,417 --> 00:42:57,846
again.
Oh, god.
677
00:42:57,847 --> 00:43:00,676
Because someone has a big old
logo on that shirt that we have
678
00:43:00,677 --> 00:43:03,276
to blur out.
If we could just zip up that --
679
00:43:03,277 --> 00:43:04,276
oh, yeah.
Thank you so much.
680
00:43:04,277 --> 00:43:06,216
I made a mistake.
I won't do it again.
681
00:43:06,217 --> 00:43:07,646
Please.
Oh, my gosh, I love that.
682
00:43:07,647 --> 00:43:11,316
I love this energy.
Save it.
683
00:43:11,317 --> 00:43:14,176
Let's get the entrance again and
then we can talk about how
684
00:43:14,177 --> 00:43:18,916
you're not guilty.
I'm going to change my
685
00:43:18,917 --> 00:43:21,716
entrance line.
I didn't love it.
686
00:43:21,717 --> 00:43:22,776
Dana, what am I going to
remind you?
687
00:43:22,777 --> 00:43:26,046
Get out of my head!
Thank you.
688
00:43:26,047 --> 00:43:28,146
Pervert, whenever you're ready,
okay?
689
00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:36,176
Ready, and, action.
Hello?
690
00:43:36,177 --> 00:43:40,546
Svetla?
Pervert, remember, at this
691
00:43:40,547 --> 00:43:43,676
point you still think you're
having sex with a prostitute.
692
00:43:43,677 --> 00:43:47,476
No crying.
I'm not like an actor.
693
00:43:47,477 --> 00:43:48,876
You're doing great.
Thanks.
694
00:43:48,877 --> 00:43:51,776
Okay.
No crying this time, pervert.
695
00:43:51,777 --> 00:43:55,376
And action.
Svetla?
696
00:43:55,377 --> 00:43:58,946
Hello?
Perfect.
697
00:43:58,947 --> 00:44:00,476
Svetla will have to take a
raincheck.
698
00:44:00,477 --> 00:44:02,516
Have a seat.
Wait.
699
00:44:02,517 --> 00:44:04,576
Who are you?
Cut.
700
00:44:04,577 --> 00:44:09,216
I'm sorry.
I just want to move you so your
701
00:44:09,217 --> 00:44:11,676
face is towards camera.
I'm sorry.
702
00:44:11,677 --> 00:44:13,776
Actually his face is a little
shiny.
703
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:16,116
Yeah.
Can we get some makeup?
704
00:44:16,117 --> 00:44:18,776
Oh, my god, this pervert is
sweating a lot.
705
00:44:18,777 --> 00:44:21,576
I'm sorry.
We'll shoot around it.
706
00:44:21,577 --> 00:44:22,946
We have to move.
We're losing light.
707
00:44:22,947 --> 00:44:27,246
And action.
So what's in the bag?
708
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:30,216
None of your -- I'm sorry.
Can we cut?
709
00:44:30,217 --> 00:44:34,316
I thought it was great.
Well, at this point in the
710
00:44:34,317 --> 00:44:36,946
show I don't know who you are.
Not yet.
711
00:44:36,947 --> 00:44:42,746
I want to do it differently.
Can you give me the line into
712
00:44:42,747 --> 00:44:43,876
it.
Of course.
713
00:44:43,877 --> 00:44:46,776
Maybe do three in a row.
What's in the bag?
714
00:44:46,777 --> 00:44:51,576
None of your business.
None of your business.
715
00:44:51,577 --> 00:44:56,646
[ British k -- accent ]
None of your business.
716
00:44:56,647 --> 00:44:57,946
Just want to give options.
The second one was great.
717
00:44:57,947 --> 00:45:00,646
Okay.
Looks like beer, condoms and --
718
00:45:00,647 --> 00:45:01,776
what's this?
I wonder if they serve cookies
719
00:45:01,777 --> 00:45:03,346
in jail.
Cut!
720
00:45:03,347 --> 00:45:05,746
I was remembering how I
messed it up before.
721
00:45:05,747 --> 00:45:06,946
You're going to get me
started.
722
00:45:06,947 --> 00:45:14,146
I'm sorry.
I have the giggles.
723
00:45:14,147 --> 00:45:16,476
I love that you guys are
having fun.
724
00:45:16,477 --> 00:45:20,376
We need to get this one before
the next pervert arrives, okay?
725
00:45:20,377 --> 00:45:21,376
This is serious.
This is serious.
726
00:45:21,377 --> 00:45:24,776
Okay.
No giggles, you two!
727
00:45:24,777 --> 00:45:29,746
And action.
I wonder if they serve
728
00:45:29,747 --> 00:45:33,216
cookies in jail.
I'll never do it again.
729
00:45:33,217 --> 00:45:37,876
It's just that I'm a lonely man.
I was -- I was weak.
730
00:45:37,877 --> 00:45:41,516
I'm sorry.
Save it for the judge, creep.
731
00:45:41,517 --> 00:45:49,376
And cut.
I think we got it.
732
00:45:49,377 --> 00:45:52,176
Pervert, I really felt something
there at the end.
733
00:45:52,177 --> 00:45:54,746
That was amazing.
Thank you so much.
734
00:45:54,747 --> 00:45:55,916
That save it for the judge line
was amazing.
735
00:45:55,917 --> 00:46:00,346
That's all you.
You brought that line out of me.
736
00:46:00,347 --> 00:46:02,116
Well, I think that's a wrap
on our pervert.
737
00:46:02,117 --> 00:46:05,716
Stop that.
Come on, guys.
738
00:46:05,717 --> 00:46:08,846
Seriously, I'll be watching.
One more time for our
739
00:46:08,847 --> 00:46:13,887
pervert.
Get on the ground, creep!
740
00:46:28,251 --> 00:46:31,480
Hello, it's me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
741
00:46:36,072 --> 00:46:38,918
It's me, the ghost of Sarah
Palin.
742
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:40,859
Oh, I'm just kidding.
I'm still alive, but you had to
743
00:46:40,860 --> 00:46:44,657
think about it, didn't you?
Here's a refresher.
744
00:46:44,659 --> 00:46:47,658
I was the first female to be on
the republican presidential
745
00:46:47,659 --> 00:46:52,128
ticket and now I get paid to
tweet for bass pro shops.
746
00:46:52,129 --> 00:46:54,998
Take it from me, politics is a
wild ride.
747
00:46:54,999 --> 00:46:58,158
One minute you're on top and
then you're gone in the blink of
748
00:46:58,159 --> 00:47:02,658
a scaramucci.
I have a message for people in
749
00:47:02,659 --> 00:47:05,658
the Trump white house.
Enjoy your moment.
750
00:47:05,659 --> 00:47:12,228
Who knows how long it will last.
♪ kiss today good-bye ♪
751
00:47:12,229 --> 00:47:23,458
♪ the sweetness and the sorrow ♪
♪ wish me luck the same to you ♪
752
00:47:23,459 --> 00:47:26,598
Oh, hi, Sarah.
Hey, Sarah.
753
00:47:26,599 --> 00:47:30,958
Isn't it funny our names are
both Sarah when we are both
754
00:47:30,959 --> 00:47:35,628
classic Beckys?
You've lasted longer in the
755
00:47:35,629 --> 00:47:44,328
white house than most.
All my friends are gone.
756
00:47:44,329 --> 00:47:45,758
It's like "saved by the bell,
the new class" and I'm screech
757
00:47:45,759 --> 00:47:46,798
and I'm still there for some
reason.
758
00:47:46,799 --> 00:47:48,458
Sarah, what if today was the
last day you were working for
759
00:47:48,459 --> 00:47:56,428
Trump.
♪ kiss white house good-bye ♪
760
00:47:56,429 --> 00:48:02,158
♪ and point me to fox news ♪
♪ I did what he said to do ♪
761
00:48:02,159 --> 00:48:06,228
♪ and I might regret what I did
for Trump ♪
762
00:48:06,229 --> 00:48:20,398
♪ what I fibbed for Trump ♪
♪ but I am never gone ♪
763
00:48:20,399 --> 00:48:26,058
♪ yes, and as we travel on ♪
♪ okay ♪
764
00:48:26,059 --> 00:48:33,958
♪ we always remember ♪
♪ okay ♪
765
00:48:33,959 --> 00:48:40,928
Yes, Sarah, how are you?
Oh, Michael wolf.
766
00:48:40,929 --> 00:48:44,798
You were everywhere after you
wrote that book "fire and fury."
767
00:48:44,799 --> 00:48:47,728
When you disappeared.
I'll be back.
768
00:48:47,729 --> 00:48:50,558
I'm writing a book about Jared
and ivanka.
769
00:48:50,559 --> 00:48:52,328
Did you know they're the same
person?
770
00:48:52,329 --> 00:48:54,198
That's why you never see them
together.
771
00:48:54,199 --> 00:48:58,828
Is that true?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
772
00:48:58,829 --> 00:49:05,728
♪ I won't say I lied P.M. the
truth was mine to borrow ♪
773
00:49:05,729 --> 00:49:12,998
♪ I did what I had to do ♪
♪ won't regret ♪
774
00:49:12,999 --> 00:49:17,928
♪ you'll forget ♪
♪ what I did for Trump ♪
775
00:49:17,929 --> 00:49:25,458
Ms. Stormy Daniels,
everybody.
776
00:49:25,459 --> 00:49:31,428
♪ Gone ♪
♪ they wish I were gone ♪
777
00:49:31,429 --> 00:49:39,628
♪ as time travels on ♪
♪ I will be remembered ♪
778
00:49:39,629 --> 00:49:46,358
Check out my Ted talk on the
sexuality of politics or on my
779
00:49:46,359 --> 00:49:48,428
star spangled boner tour.
Howdy, y'all.
780
00:49:48,429 --> 00:49:59,228
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, Rex tillerson.
781
00:49:59,229 --> 00:50:01,458
You were fired months ago.
You look great.
782
00:50:01,459 --> 00:50:05,058
Oh, yeah.
Being fired by Trump was the
783
00:50:05,059 --> 00:50:07,258
best thing that ever happened to
me.
784
00:50:07,259 --> 00:50:11,728
I'm the only man to ever go into
a situation scathed and come out
785
00:50:11,729 --> 00:50:14,798
un-scathed.
Trump was the biggest mess I
786
00:50:14,799 --> 00:50:19,158
have ever worked with and I
worked for exxon mobil.
787
00:50:19,159 --> 00:50:20,728
♪ Kiss the day good-bye ♪
♪ and point me toward tomorrow ♪
788
00:50:20,729 --> 00:50:26,028
♪ point him toward tomorrow ♪
♪ you do what you have to do ♪
789
00:50:26,029 --> 00:50:40,358
♪ don't forget ♪
♪ I regret what I did for Trump
790
00:50:40,359 --> 00:50:48,858
♪
♪ what I did with Trump ♪
791
00:50:48,859 --> 00:50:54,558
♪ I would work for Trump ♪
oh, hi, omarosa.
792
00:50:54,559 --> 00:51:00,698
Look, Trump thinks he fired
me, but I fired myself.
793
00:51:00,699 --> 00:51:06,328
♪ Kiss my ass good-bye ♪
♪ and point it towards a book
794
00:51:06,329 --> 00:51:15,028
deal ♪
♪ we did what we had to do ♪
795
00:51:15,029 --> 00:51:19,728
♪ won't forget ♪
♪ can't regret ♪
796
00:51:19,729 --> 00:51:29,698
♪ what I did for Trump ♪
♪ what I did for Trump ♪
797
00:51:29,699 --> 00:51:31,898
Nothing wrong with doing
"dancing with the stars."
798
00:51:31,899 --> 00:51:33,928
Just don't do a quickstep on the
first week.
799
00:51:33,929 --> 00:51:40,458
It's too darn hard!
♪ what I did for Trump ♪
800
00:51:40,459 --> 00:51:43,929
[ Cheers and applause ]
801
00:51:50,099 --> 00:52:00,198
Once again, Nicki Minaj.
[ Cheers and applause ]
802
00:52:00,199 --> 00:52:06,428
♪♪♪
♪ ice watch
803
00:52:06,429 --> 00:52:08,028
woah woah
bad
804
00:52:08,029 --> 00:52:09,028
poke it out ♪
♪ woah
805
00:52:09,029 --> 00:52:11,128
poke it out
poke it out
806
00:52:11,129 --> 00:52:12,658
woah ♪
♪ bad
807
00:52:12,659 --> 00:52:15,798
poke it out
poke it out
808
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:17,858
poke it out ♪
poke it out
809
00:52:17,859 --> 00:52:18,928
poke it out
poke it out ♪
810
00:52:18,929 --> 00:52:19,958
♪ new watch
ice watch
811
00:52:19,959 --> 00:52:21,528
check it out
check it out ♪
812
00:52:21,529 --> 00:52:22,959
♪ new glock
813
00:52:24,159 --> 00:52:30,928
poke it out
poke it out ♪
814
00:52:30,929 --> 00:52:33,028
♪ air it out
air it out
815
00:52:33,029 --> 00:52:34,058
showin' off
showin' off ♪
816
00:52:34,059 --> 00:52:35,628
♪ bad bad
walk in that ---
817
00:52:35,629 --> 00:52:36,658
and I walk it out
walk it out ♪
818
00:52:36,659 --> 00:52:39,258
♪ walk in that ---
with a 30 out
819
00:52:39,259 --> 00:52:43,428
she walk in that ---
♪ walk it out
820
00:52:43,429 --> 00:52:44,958
all of these --- wanna
see me now
821
00:52:44,959 --> 00:52:46,058
walk it out ♪
♪ --- that lil' ---
822
00:52:46,059 --> 00:52:47,058
with the --- out
poke it out
823
00:52:47,059 --> 00:52:48,628
I know you see me on ♪
♪ the t.V. Now
824
00:52:48,629 --> 00:52:53,798
poke it out
cardi b looking
825
00:52:53,799 --> 00:52:54,828
like billionaire ♪
♪ I'ma go ---
826
00:52:54,829 --> 00:52:55,858
on a billionaire
poke it out
827
00:52:55,859 --> 00:52:57,398
house in the hills ♪
♪ all of my ---
828
00:52:57,399 --> 00:53:00,058
they gettin' it
poke it out
829
00:53:00,059 --> 00:53:01,058
♪ poke it out
and I go get it
830
00:53:01,059 --> 00:53:02,658
poke it out
ice watch ♪
831
00:53:02,659 --> 00:53:04,198
♪ woah woah
bad ---
832
00:53:04,199 --> 00:53:05,758
poke it out
poke it out ♪
833
00:53:05,759 --> 00:53:07,298
♪ poke it out
bad ---
834
00:53:07,299 --> 00:53:09,398
poke it out
poke it out ♪
835
00:53:09,399 --> 00:53:11,458
♪ poke it out
♪ poke it out
836
00:53:11,459 --> 00:53:13,028
new watch
ice watch
837
00:53:13,029 --> 00:53:14,598
check it out ♪
♪ check it out
838
00:53:14,599 --> 00:53:16,329
new glock
839
00:53:17,499 --> 00:53:24,258
poke it out ♪
♪ poke it out
840
00:53:24,259 --> 00:53:26,858
poke it out
poke it out ♪
841
00:53:26,859 --> 00:53:28,428
♪ poke it out
poke it out
842
00:53:28,429 --> 00:53:30,498
poke it out
poke it out ♪
843
00:53:30,499 --> 00:53:35,198
♪ poke it out
playboi playboi
844
00:53:35,199 --> 00:53:43,528
playboi playboi ♪
♪ playboi playboi
845
00:53:43,529 --> 00:53:45,598
playboi playboi
playboi playboi
846
00:53:45,599 --> 00:53:48,698
playboi playboi ♪
♪ what they on
847
00:53:48,699 --> 00:53:56,398
St. Laurent
matter fact ♪
848
00:53:56,399 --> 00:54:02,728
Y'all, got to turn up.
[ Cheers ]
849
00:54:02,729 --> 00:54:04,298
♪ All of my buddies on ten
all of my moneys in yen
850
00:54:04,299 --> 00:54:05,528
all of my work is sellin
thank you and please ♪
851
00:54:05,529 --> 00:54:06,898
♪ come again yeah
all we know here
852
00:54:06,899 --> 00:54:07,928
is the win
fabulous ♪
853
00:54:07,929 --> 00:54:10,128
♪ gone with the wind
all of this one of a kind
854
00:54:10,129 --> 00:54:12,098
but if I order it
get it again ♪
855
00:54:12,099 --> 00:54:13,658
♪ I see all these
pretend Barbies
856
00:54:13,659 --> 00:54:16,758
I'm beginning to end Barbies
I am Nicki the ninja ♪
857
00:54:16,759 --> 00:54:22,498
♪ harajuku
'member I've been Barbie
858
00:54:22,499 --> 00:54:24,058
Barbie
cover of playboy ♪
859
00:54:24,059 --> 00:54:28,798
♪ in New York I really rock
rocks ask playboi carti
860
00:54:28,799 --> 00:54:33,398
all of these ---
wanna do me now ♪
861
00:54:33,399 --> 00:54:34,958
♪ walk in that ---
with the toolie out
862
00:54:34,959 --> 00:54:37,098
walk in that ---
with the toolie out ♪
863
00:54:37,099 --> 00:54:38,598
♪ killers and robbers
that's Julia
864
00:54:38,599 --> 00:54:39,758
walk in that ---
with my boobies out ♪
865
00:54:39,759 --> 00:54:40,898
♪ wife beater torn like
Natalie imbruglia
866
00:54:40,899 --> 00:54:43,298
you know that I stay
with them great lines ♪
867
00:54:43,299 --> 00:54:46,598
♪ end girls' careers
cut them brake lines
868
00:54:46,599 --> 00:54:52,328
you gon' be an
episode of "dateline" ♪
869
00:54:52,329 --> 00:55:00,128
♪ and end up on the
cover of L.A. times
870
00:55:00,129 --> 00:55:01,158
I just heard through
the grapevine ♪
871
00:55:01,159 --> 00:55:02,698
♪ these little musty thinkin'
they can take mine
872
00:55:02,699 --> 00:55:03,998
you --- chances lookin'
slimmer than my waistline ♪
873
00:55:03,999 --> 00:55:06,858
♪ man that --- been over
since play time
874
00:55:06,859 --> 00:55:09,458
watch flooded yo
I can't even facetime ♪
875
00:55:09,459 --> 00:55:13,098
♪ you gotta face time
for them hate crimes
876
00:55:13,099 --> 00:55:14,698
playboi cardi
hit me on my facetime ♪
877
00:55:14,699 --> 00:55:16,258
♪ with the best feature
out the big apple
878
00:55:16,259 --> 00:55:20,398
since facetime
ice watch ♪
879
00:55:20,399 --> 00:55:22,528
♪ woah woah
bad --- poke it out
880
00:55:22,529 --> 00:55:25,098
poke it out
poke it out ♪
881
00:55:25,099 --> 00:55:27,698
♪ bad --- poke it out
poke it out
882
00:55:27,699 --> 00:55:29,258
poke it out
♪ poke it out
883
00:55:29,259 --> 00:55:32,358
poke it out
poke it out
884
00:55:32,359 --> 00:55:33,928
new watch ♪
♪ ice watch
885
00:55:33,929 --> 00:55:35,498
check it out
check it out
886
00:55:35,499 --> 00:55:37,028
new glock ♪
♪ my glock
887
00:55:37,029 --> 00:55:38,598
poke it out
poke it out
888
00:55:38,599 --> 00:55:40,158
air it out ♪
♪ air it out
889
00:55:40,159 --> 00:55:41,728
showin' off
showin' off
890
00:55:41,729 --> 00:55:43,298
bad bad ♪
♪ poke it out
891
00:55:43,299 --> 00:55:45,898
poke it out
poke it out
892
00:55:45,899 --> 00:55:51,098
poke it out ♪
♪ poke it out
893
00:55:51,099 --> 00:55:52,658
poke it out
poke it out
894
00:55:52,659 --> 00:55:56,298
bad bad ♪
bad bad
895
00:55:56,299 --> 00:56:05,858
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
896
00:56:05,859 --> 00:56:07,929
Thank you, guys.
897
00:56:11,859 --> 00:56:16,098
And now, using the raw power
of my right hand I will chop
898
00:56:16,099 --> 00:56:19,828
this board in half.
What if you hit my chest and
899
00:56:19,829 --> 00:56:22,428
my heart stops?
Good point.
900
00:56:22,429 --> 00:56:25,898
Never mind.
We withdraw from competition
901
00:56:25,899 --> 00:56:31,028
because we are afraid.
Okay.
902
00:56:31,029 --> 00:56:35,398
Give it up for Devon and Tyler.
[ Applause ]
903
00:56:35,399 --> 00:56:38,658
Devon and Tyler, two 18-year-old
boys terrified by a piece of
904
00:56:38,659 --> 00:56:43,558
wood.
Ain't that nice?
905
00:56:43,559 --> 00:56:46,158
Now next up is Susan Turner
performing with her mother,
906
00:56:46,159 --> 00:56:51,158
slash, pta majority whip,
Roberta Turner.
907
00:56:51,159 --> 00:56:53,998
Hello, class of 2018.
How we doing, lions?
908
00:56:53,999 --> 00:56:56,028
Roar!
Fun.
909
00:56:56,029 --> 00:56:58,828
Anyway, I'm Roberta.
I'm scissors.
910
00:56:58,829 --> 00:57:00,858
She's Susan.
Don't run with me.
911
00:57:00,859 --> 00:57:04,328
I'll poke your eye out.
Susan's going through a
912
00:57:04,329 --> 00:57:06,498
phase.
I'm sure you parents can
913
00:57:06,499 --> 00:57:09,098
understand that.
No.
914
00:57:09,099 --> 00:57:11,128
My son is his own person.
I respect his choices.
915
00:57:11,129 --> 00:57:13,698
Okay.
Wow, you really left me hanging
916
00:57:13,699 --> 00:57:17,958
out to dry there.
Today we'll be performing the
917
00:57:17,959 --> 00:57:22,258
very same mother-daughter
routine we did at her first
918
00:57:22,259 --> 00:57:25,098
grade talent show.
Oh, my gosh, Roberta, pull it
919
00:57:25,099 --> 00:57:27,228
together.
Okay.
920
00:57:27,229 --> 00:57:31,328
For the record, I wanted to
sing a different song.
921
00:57:31,329 --> 00:57:36,158
The song choice is final.
D.J., hit it!
922
00:57:36,159 --> 00:57:39,328
♪♪♪
♪ I come home in the morning
923
00:57:39,329 --> 00:57:41,198
light ♪
♪ my mother says when you gonna
924
00:57:41,199 --> 00:57:44,558
live your life right ♪
♪ well, maybe I want to live my
925
00:57:44,559 --> 00:57:47,758
life wrong ♪
♪ Bill Gates never went to
926
00:57:47,759 --> 00:57:53,498
college, mom ♪
stop.
927
00:57:53,499 --> 00:57:55,628
Can I speak to you in private,
please?
928
00:57:55,629 --> 00:57:58,928
Okay, okay.
Hey, little mother-daughter
929
00:57:58,929 --> 00:58:01,498
moment here, folks.
They'll be back momentarily.
930
00:58:01,499 --> 00:58:04,328
Some of y'all might be wondering
why is the principal allowing
931
00:58:04,329 --> 00:58:09,198
this to continue?
The answer is Roberta and I have
932
00:58:09,199 --> 00:58:11,358
a sexual relationship.
Yeah.
933
00:58:11,359 --> 00:58:14,058
The phrase no strings was thrown
around a lot in the beginning.
934
00:58:14,059 --> 00:58:18,628
Yet here I am, obligated to
assist.
935
00:58:18,629 --> 00:58:19,728
Isn't sex funny like that,
y'all?
936
00:58:19,729 --> 00:58:22,498
No.
Sex isn't funny.
937
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:25,058
It's beautiful and sacred.
Okay.
938
00:58:25,059 --> 00:58:27,458
You just disagree with
everybody.
939
00:58:27,459 --> 00:58:29,358
Sorry for the disruption.
I think Susan might be a little
940
00:58:29,359 --> 00:58:34,628
hormonal.
D.j., hit that track.
941
00:58:34,629 --> 00:58:36,928
♪ I come home in the morning
light ♪
942
00:58:36,929 --> 00:58:42,928
♪ my mother says I can't drive
you to the protest, Susan ♪
943
00:58:42,929 --> 00:58:46,528
♪ I have book club.
Mom.
944
00:58:46,529 --> 00:58:49,500
May I speak to you in the
wings, please?
945
00:58:49,502 --> 00:58:54,471
It's like one day we're just
banging.
946
00:58:54,472 --> 00:58:55,871
Then the next it's like, hey,
can you take Susan to school?
947
00:58:55,872 --> 00:58:57,571
You're already going there,
right?
948
00:58:57,572 --> 00:58:59,301
Then it's like, I'm getting
groceries now.
949
00:58:59,302 --> 00:59:02,001
All right.
Now I'm up here making a fool
950
00:59:02,002 --> 00:59:04,901
out of myself.
Why don't we move on to the next
951
00:59:04,902 --> 00:59:06,571
act.
Give it up for Dylan and his
952
00:59:06,572 --> 00:59:19,671
amazing invisible box.
Because I mean the Booty is
953
00:59:19,672 --> 00:59:25,271
worth it, you know.
Like the Booty is worth it.
954
00:59:25,272 --> 00:59:26,501
Okay.
All right.
955
00:59:26,502 --> 00:59:29,371
Okay.
Now, Susan has generously agreed
956
00:59:29,372 --> 00:59:32,031
to cooperate.
D.J., play the song.
957
00:59:32,032 --> 00:59:35,931
Yeah, Brandon.
Play the song.
958
00:59:35,932 --> 00:59:37,871
♪♪♪
you turn this crap off right
959
00:59:37,872 --> 00:59:41,601
this instance.
♪ wake up ♪
960
00:59:41,602 --> 00:59:44,871
♪ put on makeup ♪
♪ why'd you leave the pizza on
961
00:59:44,872 --> 00:59:47,131
the table ♪
everyone is nodding.
962
00:59:47,132 --> 00:59:49,531
I think they love it.
I think I love it.
963
00:59:49,532 --> 00:59:51,201
There's a part for you coming
up, mom.
964
00:59:51,202 --> 00:59:53,871
We're doing this together?
Yeah.
965
00:59:53,872 --> 00:59:58,771
That's what I wanted.
♪ wake up ♪
966
00:59:58,772 --> 01:00:04,131
♪ you want to ♪
♪ why'd you leave it on the
967
01:00:04,132 --> 01:00:06,071
table.
You wanted to.
968
01:00:06,072 --> 01:00:12,001
This is fun.
I like this.
969
01:00:12,002 --> 01:00:15,931
You love "Chicago fire" about
the brave men and women in the
970
01:00:15,932 --> 01:00:18,971
windy city.
You couldn't tear your eyes away
971
01:00:18,972 --> 01:00:22,431
from Chicago p.D.
Now dick wolf is back with a new
972
01:00:22,432 --> 01:00:25,301
drama about another group of
chicagoans struggling in the
973
01:00:25,302 --> 01:00:29,230
face of an unforgiving city.
Ready?
974
01:00:29,232 --> 01:00:34,201
Let's do this.
Dick wolf's Chicago improv.
975
01:00:34,202 --> 01:00:36,231
An unfiltered look at the world
of Chicago's improv comedy
976
01:00:36,232 --> 01:00:39,671
scene.
We need a suggestion of a
977
01:00:39,672 --> 01:00:41,031
household object.
Anything you have around the
978
01:00:41,032 --> 01:00:44,371
house.
Dildo.
979
01:00:44,372 --> 01:00:46,431
Something other than dildo,
please.
980
01:00:46,432 --> 01:00:50,631
Two dildos.
Unflinching in its depiction
981
01:00:50,632 --> 01:00:53,501
of the real lives of Chicago
improvisers.
982
01:00:53,502 --> 01:00:54,701
Dialogue ripped from real life
improv classes.
983
01:00:54,702 --> 01:00:57,731
Hey.
Great object work out there.
984
01:00:57,732 --> 01:00:59,731
Oh, yeah.
All of your sweep edits were
985
01:00:59,732 --> 01:01:02,071
perfectly timed.
Stop it!
986
01:01:02,072 --> 01:01:05,771
We're all on the same team.
Cut.
987
01:01:05,772 --> 01:01:08,371
Do you know who's in the
audience now?
988
01:01:08,372 --> 01:01:13,171
Greg amico.
What the hell was everything
989
01:01:13,172 --> 01:01:14,901
they just said, asks the "new
York times."
990
01:01:14,902 --> 01:01:18,071
And the Boston globe wonders who
is Greg amico?
991
01:01:18,072 --> 01:01:22,071
Should I know who that is?
Watch as people wearing plaid
992
01:01:22,072 --> 01:01:23,901
balance love and ambition in
America's number three comedy
993
01:01:23,902 --> 01:01:25,431
market.
I heard you're doing stand-up
994
01:01:25,432 --> 01:01:29,901
now.
Just open mic.
995
01:01:29,902 --> 01:01:33,201
I guess you'll have what you
always wanted -- the stage all
996
01:01:33,202 --> 01:01:36,271
to yourself.
Hey, how many people even
997
01:01:36,272 --> 01:01:39,071
make it to main stage?
I don't know who the bad guy
998
01:01:39,072 --> 01:01:47,201
is here.
Guys, I booked it.
999
01:01:47,202 --> 01:01:55,871
I'm filming two commercials for
Lou molnatti's.
1000
01:01:55,872 --> 01:02:02,131
Congrats, Hollywood.
The only show with real
1001
01:02:02,132 --> 01:02:05,401
Chicago faces and bodies.
I want to see pretty people
1002
01:02:05,402 --> 01:02:07,871
complains the Hollywood
reporter.
1003
01:02:07,872 --> 01:02:12,231
While usa today says, the fire
imagery was misleading.
1004
01:02:12,232 --> 01:02:18,471
My name is Jackie Jackie and
I was born in a log cabin.
1005
01:02:18,472 --> 01:02:19,871
Did dick wolf lose a bet?
Why did he make this, asks the
1006
01:02:19,872 --> 01:02:26,301
"wall street journal."
Too much improv says improv
1007
01:02:26,302 --> 01:02:39,871
magazine.
If they didn't
1008
01:02:39,872 --> 01:02:51,671
thanks to Nick imagine, Alec
Baldwin, Ben stiller.
1009
01:02:51,672 --> 01:02:54,971
Fred armisen, Anne hathaway,
Tracy Morgan, John Goodman.
1010
01:02:54,972 --> 01:02:56,131
Have a beautiful summer,
everyone.
1011
01:02:56,132 --> 01:03:01,772
Love you, guys!
[ Cheers and applause ]
1012
01:03:01,925 --> 01:03:14,304
For Subtitling Services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
1013
01:03:14,305 --> 01:03:24,905
For Subtitling Services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
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