All language subtitles for Kevin.Smith.Silent.But.Deadly.2018.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTG

Hey, man, I'm Kevin Smith.

And moments after we shot
the show you're about to watch,

I came into this room downstairs
at the theater in Glendale,

and had a massive heart attack.

They talk about, like,
"I killed onstage.

I died onstage."
I thought I killed that night,

and I came backstage
and almost died.

So enjoy the special,
but know that the guy

who is telling jokes
for the next hour and stuff

is about to face the infinite.

And I'm alive to stand here
and tell you that I didn't die.

Now, on with the show.

Ladies
and gentlemen,

Kevin Smith!

Hey!

Thank you!

Stop. Don't. Stop, fucking
don't encourage me.

Um... thank you all
for being here tonight.

I had stuff that I wanted
to-- prepared and what not.

But before we go anywhere,
I have to share some shit

that just literally happened
before I got here.

If you don't know me,
you're like,

"Oh, he's ready to do a show."

If you know me, you're like,

"Fuck, he's more high than I've
ever seen him in his life."

Right when I was getting ready
to leave,

my daughter comes in,
and she just got her license.

So she comes into the room
and she's just like,

"Hey, man, can I use your car?"

She says to my wife Jennifer,
"Let me use your car

to go to Target
and get my nails done."

And Jennifer was like,
"Absolutely not.

Oh, my God, no.
Like, you'll crash for sure."

And I saw my moment to jump in
and be the good parent

and be like, "Let her do it."
You know?

Like, she's gotta try it
by herself for the first time.

This is the first time
she's gonna drive by herself

in the car with a license
and stuff.

I was like, "Let her do it, man.

What's the worst
that could happen?"

And my wife was shooting
fucking daggers at me.

Just like, "You fucking
piece of shit."

So... so I was like,
"Yeah, man, let's just let...

She can do this.
You can handle this, kid."

I said, "Just don't speed
or anything like that.

Trust that she's a good driver.
You've been in the car with her.

She's not fucking terrible."
And so...

Trust that she can do this
and stuff.

So, you know, I was like,
"All right, man. Have fun."

And I stood at the front door
and watched her pull away

and stuff,
which was nerve-racking

because she had to do a K-turn
and she backed out

without even looking and another
car was coming down the hill.

And they had one
of these moments.

And you heard skidding
and I didn't know

which one it was and shit.

Finally, she corrects herself
and then there's a moment

where the dude behind her
clearly wants to go faster.

And my kid, the novice driver,
I'm watching this go,

"Let him go first.
Let him go first."

But she's my kid,
very competitive as well.

And I saw my driving in her.
All of a sudden,

she guns it past this fucking
dude down the street.

And my wife is like, "Yeah,

she's ready to drive
by herself."

So I was like this
is fucking nerve-racking, man.

And she was like, "You shouldn't
have let her do this."

I was like, "I need a joint."
And so I started smoking.

And I was like, "What do we do?
Do we chase her down?"

She's like, "No, that doesn't
show any trust whatsoever."

She's going, "I have
Find Friends on my phone.

And so I can track
her every movement."

And so I was like,
"Are you fucking serious?

Open that shit up, man!

Let's watch this car wreck
in real time." Like...

So we were just
sitting at the desk

and I'm fucking smoking away,
watching the screen

on my wife's phone,
watching this dot,

like I'm fucking Bill Paxton
in Aliens and shit. You know.

I'm like,
"She's all over us, man!"

'Cause every time the dot
stops on the map,

we're like, "What's the
fucking story here?

Did she get in a fender bender?
Is she buying cocaine?

What is going on?"

Then finally, it pulled into
the fucking Target plaza.

And I was like, "You gotta
fucking text her."

And she's like, "No, she'll know
we've been watching her.

You gotta fucking play it cool."

And we're both sweating
fucking bullets, man.

And I've smoked a joint
all the way down

to the fucking filter
and shit.

All of a sudden, the kid
calls us on the phone.

And she's like, "I did it!
I did it! I did it!"

She's like, "I did it.
I didn't get in an accident."

And we tried to play it cool.
We're like,

"Well, big deal.
We do that all the time."

Um, it's weird, man because
the kid's all grown up now.

She, like, graduated last year
from high school and shit.

And that was like the moment
my wife had been waiting for,

for, like, four years.
'Cause my wife used to travel

with me wherever I went.
If I went to make a movie,

we'd go, leave the house,
and go someplace

for a couple months
or something like that.

We'd pull the kid out of school
'cause she was little.

It's like, what is she
gonna fucking learn?

ABC's? Come with us.
We'll show you the real world.

You know.

You know, I was like, I started
traveling by myself.

I started doing more and more
like standup gigs

and live podcasts, and so I used
to travel with Jen,

and now I just wound up
traveling by myself.

Because she stayed home
for the kid.

Like, I was like, "Why aren't
you going anymore?"

She's like, "The kid's
in fucking high school."

Somebody has to stay home to let
her in the fucking house, man."

So... I was like, fair enough.

So I got used to going out
on the road without her.

And then the kid graduated and
my wife was like going crazy.

She was like, "Oh, my God.
My fucking...

I'm finally getting sprung

from this goddamn
gilded prison and shit."

I was like,
"What are you talking about?"

She's like, "This kid
is fucking done.

I don't have to be
the bitch mother anymore.

Like, I'm tired of playing
this role.

I don't wanna wake her up
and fucking make her do shit,

do your homework.
Now she's fucking done.

I'm gonna be done,
and I'm getting my life back,

motherfucker." She goes,

"Which means I'm taking
over your life.

What are you..."

She's like, "You're always
fucking going somewhere.

I'm going with you wherever
you're fucking going next.

Man, you're always going
to some fucking rocking place.

What rocking city are you
traveling to next?"

And I was like,
"Spokane, Washington."

And she was just like,
"You know what, man?

I heard about that shit
on Frasier.

I'm fucking going with you."

So she came with me
to Spokane, Washington.

I had two gigs. I was doing
a gig at 7:30

and then another gig
at like 9:30

or something like that.

So we got to the hotel,

and I'm not a, like,
hotel snob at all.

All I care about when it comes
to a hotel room,

'cause I see a lot of fucking
hotel rooms now,

is the balcony.
'Cause that's--

As a stoner, that's where I live
is on the balcony.

So the room could be
like a fucking crack den

with roaches everywhere
and shit.

I will tiptoe over human piles
of shit,

as long as the balcony is wide
enough and secluded enough,

I'm like, I don't give a shit.

I'll sleep on the
fucking balcony. So...

We checked in the hotel,
great fucking balcony.

Like it was looking over
a stream

and fucking foliage and shit.
It was really pretty.

You can see the mountains.

So I was like, "I love
this fucking balcony."

And she's like, "When are you
coming back?"

"I got two shows, so I'll
probably be back

at like 11, 12." She's like,
"I might be sleeping."

I was like, "I'm so glad
we traveled together."

And so... and so I went off
to do my show.

I was so excited
because I was like fucking

weed legal Washington.

I'm gonna get to fucking
do a show there.

They're gonna let me fucking
smoke weed onstage

while I do my show. That is not
the case at all, man.

They got all sorts of fucking
even more rigid laws and shit

like that where you
can't do that.

So much so that I was
at the place between gigs,

I told the management,
I was like, "Hey, man.

So I got like an hour to kill
between gigs.

I'm gonna go in the green room
and make it green.

You know what I'm saying?"

And he's like, "No, you're not,
you animal.

You do that outside."

I was like, "Fucking liberal
Washington." You know...

So I went outside to smoke,
but there were people lined up

for the next show. I didn't
wanna be like a Walmart greeter

at my own show
where, you know...

I'm like, "Hi, how are you?
Welcome.

Yes, it is me." You know.

So I was like fuck it,
I'll go back to the hotel.

Hotel's close,
it was like literally

across the street and shit.

So I was like
I'll go back there.

And I went back
to the hotel room,

'cause I was like I'll smoke
on the balcony.

But when I walked in the room,
like my wife had set up shop,

like in a big, bad way.
She had made the place her own.

She had, uh,
she was on the balcony,

she had taken the mattress
off the bed

and moved it over a chair
on the balcony

to create this kind of
chaise lounge affair.

And she was laying on it
like the Queen of Sheba,

reading a thick-ass book.

And she had this big-ass
goblet of wine in her hand.

And the bottle looked empty.

I gauged her to be about
four glasses into Spokane

at this point.

Because she was saying
stupid shit like,

"I could live here."
You know.

I've been with the woman
20 years,

I know she couldn't fucking
live there, man.

So, you know, she said,
"What are you doing here?"

I was like,
"I'm between gigs, man.

They wouldn't let me smoke
at the club,

so I came here
to smoke on the balcony, man,

and see you." And she goes,
"Well, Jesus,

I'm reading my book, Kevin.
I don't wanna get

into a big conversation
about your night."

And I was like, "I don't fucking
need to talk to you."

I was like, "I was just
with like 200 people

who paid me money
to hear me talk.

So that's fucking cool.
Like, you don't have...

we don't have to get
in a conversation."

She goes, "I know you.
After a show, you get home

and you're Mr. Storytime,

and you gotta tell all
your stories and shit."

I was like, "I have no fucking
stories to tell, man."

I was like, "Tell you what,
you sit there and fucking

drink and read your book,
and I'll stand over here

and fucking smoke my weed
and we'll be together alone."

You know. 'Cause that's what
fucking marriage is. Go.

You know.
So I just sat there smoking,

and she was reading her book.

And the problem is when I smoke,
that's when I get chatty.

So...

So I was standing there,
I was like...

I was like,
"Did I fucking tell you...

what happened to me the last
time I was on a balcony

smoking weed?" And she slams
the book closed.

She goes, "I knew it,
storytime!"

I was like, "No, this ain't--
I mean, yes, it's a story.

But it's not long.
It's very short."

So I'm only reminded
because I'm sitting here smoking

on the balcony, it's nice
with a view and shit.

We're on the second floor.
I said, But last weekend,

I was in Arizona,
I was in fucking Phoenix.

And I was smoking on a balcony,
but I was five floors up.

And it was a city view,

it wasn't as pretty
as this and stuff.

And, like, unlike today, I got
this great Washington weed,

I was in Arizona,
I was at the mercy

of fucking local weed and stuff.

So I was smoking on my balcony,
like, "This is nothing.

This shit ain't
gonna do anything."

Being a real weed snob
about it.

And then about halfway
through the joint,

I was telling my wife,
I was like,

I started hearing voices,
and I was like,

"Hey, this shit's fucking good,
man. Like..."

I got too judgy about Arizona.
And then I looked over

the balcony and I saw
that five feet down,

five floors down, rather, was
people on the street talking.

There was a gaggle of women,
older ladies.

And they were talking.
And I could hear them.

I couldn't hear what
they were enunciating,

but I could hear them talking
from where I was.

And I started getting fucking
freaking paranoid.

'Cause I was like,
if I can hear them,

can they smell me right now?

Like...

So I'm looking over and I watch
the ladies cross the street,

there was a crosswalk,
and they're crossing the street.

And at the other side
of the crosswalk,

there's a callbox.

And at the callbox,
a guy in blue.

A fucking cop is standing
right there.

And so my wife's like,
"Get out of here."

I was like, there's a fucking
cop across the street.

I'm like, fuck the old ladies,
I should be worried

about the cop and shit.

I said, but I still didn't
put my joint out, man.

Like I just sat there,
I backed up a foot.

And I was like, I'm gonna keep
my eye on this cop.

So... so I said,
so I'm standing there, man,

watching, and the ladies
cross the street

and get to the other side,
and I told my wife,

I promise you, this is what
fucking happened.

The cop was facing
the other way,

I'm on the hotel balcony
over across the street.

The cops crossing,
the ladies also,

and he goes...

And I was like there's no
fucking way that this guy

fucking smells me.

I still don't put the joint out,
though, man.

I'm watching him, and this
is what he fucking does.

He goes like this.

And he locks on
across the street,

like where I am in the hotel,

and all of a sudden
he goes like this.

And he's experienced,
this cop, man.

He's like, "Somebody's
smoking on a balcony."

And he's going balcony
by balcony.

And I'm fucking frozen.
I don't move.

'Cause it's like this reverse
Space Invaders game,

where he's getting
fucking closer.

And I'm at the center of it
and stuff.

And he's on the fourth floor,
where I'm like,

oh, fuck, I'm next!

So then he gets up to me
and he locks onto me.

He goes like this and shit,
and he goes, "That!"

And I said, my first fucking
instinct wasn't to like

drop the joint
or fucking, like,

run to the airport.
I said, my first instinct

was to go like this,
I went...

I said, so the fucking guy
goes like this.

And then he reaches back.
And I'm like,

I'm gonna get shot
on this balcony.

My fucking story ends
with getting killed

on a balcony in Arizona

for smoking local
low-grade weed, man.

And... which did have
a kick to it.

So I was sitting there going,

what the fuck's gonna
happen next?

And he pulls out a phone.

Then the dude kind of
illuminated

the whole fucking thing,
all of a sudden he goes,

"Silent Bob!"

And I was like, "Oh, fuck!
He's a fan, man!"

I was so fucking relieved.
I was like, "Hi!"

And he goes, pointing
at his phone, he goes,

"I want to take a picture
with you!"

I was like, "Oh, okay!
I'm gonna come right down!

Stay there,
I'll take a picture!"

So I run inside,
I change every fucking piece

of clothing I have on.

Everything. I take
the hotel shampoo,

I dab it on my ears and stuff.
Just...

Get the scent away.
And I said, I told my wife,

I went downstairs, I said,
I met the dude.

He was lovely. I said,
it wasn't--

It was very kosher, we took
pictures together and shit.

Chitchatted about the movies
and whatnot.

I said it was a wonderful
experience.

I said the PS to the story is
he wasn't a cop.

He just had a blue jacket on.
And that was it.

Now...

My wife, God love her, man.
We've been together,

last week, we met 20 years ago
last week.

We've been in each other's lives
for 20 years.

-Thank you. Um...

Met... met 20 years ago
last week.

Next month, it'll be 20 years
since the first time we fucked.

And that's the more important
anniversary.

But we've been together
for like two decades, man.

That's, you know, it's just
to tell you that

her reactions to my stories,

it's not like everybody here,

where I'm like, you know,
tell that story

and everyone's like,
"Oh, very witty, wild."

You know...

She's like, she's, you know,
fucking seen it all,

heard it all and shit
like that.

Like, my wife loves me,
I know this.

Don't get me fucking wrong.
She would kill anybody

that fucking threatened me
and cut the jugular and shit.

But she is not what I would call
by any stretch

of the imagination
a Kevin Smith fan.

Jay and Silent Bob,
not her fucking thing

or anything like that.
She's like,

"I'm glad you do those movies,
they let you run around

and you get exercise."
Like that's...

Case in point, man,
we got this TV show

called Comic Book Men,
it's in its seventh season

-at this point. Thank you.

Thank you.

Um, I don't tell you that
to be like,

"Seven seasons, look at my big,
fat TV dick!" Like...

Not at all.
It has nothing to do with us.

We follow one of the most
watched programs on the planet,

The Walking Dead.
So if anything,

it's fucking Robert Kirkman's
big TV dick,

and we just surf on it
till midnight.

So I only tell you seven
seasons 'cause

to communicate there's
like 80 some odd episodes

of this show
that you could watch.

And I'm on every one of them.

My wife has seen two
of the episodes.

She saw the pilot episode,
we shot it, put it together.

I showed it to her.
I was like, what do you think?

And her review was,
"I can't believe

you tricked somebody
into paying you

to be on TV and talk
to your fucking friends."

Which I felt was
a very strong review. Um...

Then, like, four seasons later,
my daughter was on the show.

Harley was on the show.
So I told my wife,

I was like, "You gotta watch
an episode now.

Something came out of your
body's on the fucking show.

So..." So she watched
the episode.

I was like, "What'd you think?"
She goes,

"Harley was a vast improvement."
You know.

She keeps it very real.

The show is on a night that
we watch two other programs.

Like, in our bedroom.
We watch The Walking Dead

and then we watch Talking Dead.

And at the end
of the Talking Dead,

there's a fellow looks strangely
like me

who will pop up and be like,
"Hey! Stick around for more

hijinks on Comic Book Men."

And that's when my wife grabs
the remote and goes,

"We're going to bed."
And shuts that shit off.

Now I gotta tell you,
this is gonna be weird,

but I gotta tell you
this story to tell you

the rest of the story,
and at first you're gonna be

all judgy and then I'm gonna
tell you something

and then you'll be like,
"Oh, that makes sense."

Um, I have a 103-inch television
in my bedroom.

Uh, that's not the judgy part.
Here it comes.

It cost 60 thousand
fucking bucks.

Crazy, right?
I didn't fucking buy it.

I would never pay 60--
Now, you can't be judgy.

I would never...
I didn't buy it.

It was given to me, man.
I would never pay $60,000

for a TV. I wouldn't pay
$60,000 for anything,

unless you could live in it,
drive it,

or it fucking blew you
until the day you die.

Like, that's...

I got a line and shit like that.
No, it was given to us

at one point. I had done
commercials years ago

for Panasonic.

And there was a guy named
Ed Janda who was, like,

the exec at Panasonic
who was on set all the time.

He loved movies.
Sweet fucking dude, man.

I've known him for years
and stuff.

One day, he fucking called me.
Been to my house many times.

He called me out of the blue
and he goes,

"Hey, man. We've got this
103-inch fucking television

that we're gonna throw out,
man.

And I remember you've got big,
wide walls

and huge ceilings
in your house."

And I was like,
"What a weird fucking way

to start a conversation.

What do all these things
have to do with each other, man?

Is that all our friendship
was to you?

Square fucking footage?" Like...

And he goes, "No, the reason
I bring it together

is this TV we're gonna fucking
throw out, it's 103 inches,

and, fuck, it won't fit
in many places.

But it'll definitely fit
in your house.

So if you want it, we're just
gonna give it to you for free.

Do you want it?"
I was like, "Fuck yeah!

Give me all your garbage! Yes!

Fuck yes!" I was like,
"What's wrong with it, man?

Was it assembled on an ancient
Indian burial ground?

Is it cursed?" Like...

And he goes, "No, they used it
for the Olympics.

It was for coverage
for the Olympics.

So it's not meant
for home use.

It's basically big graphics TV
where they point to like,

'This is what happened,'
and shit like that.

Problem is it has no speakers.

So you'd have to buy speakers."
I was like,

"I'll buy
the fucking speakers, man!

For a free 103
Fuck the speakers.

I'll stand next to it
and translate

for whoever's watching!"
Like...

I was like, "Fuck yes, man."
So he goes, "Okay, man.

Make sure you're gonna
be home tomorrow.

We can have it delivered."
He's going,

"You gotta clear your street."
And I said, "Why?"

He goes, "It comes
on an 18-wheeler."

I said, "Really?"
And he goes, "Yeah.

It takes ten people
to deliver it."

And I said, "Why?"
And he goes,

"The base alone
weighs 2,000 pounds."

Oh!
-So I was like,

"I don't believe this."
And they showed up

the next day with
a giant fucking truck,

pulled this thing out
the back, it looked like

the monolith from
2001: A Space Odyssey.

Ten fucking people
carrying it, man.

They were like,
"Where do you want it?"

I was like,
"Second floor, please."

I felt bad, but I tipped
insanely well. So...

Brought 'em up to my bedroom.
They're like,

"Where's it go?" I said,
"Put it right

at the foot of our bed, please."

And my wife is like,
"Are you fucking high?"

I was like, "Yes, but that has
nothing to do with this.

This just makes sense."
I was like, "This is where

the TV was,
look at this big, wide wall.

We'll put the fucking TV
right there."

She goes, "Kevin, there's no
room between the bed

and the television."
I was like, "Yes, there is.

Look."

She's going, "What the fuck?

How are we gonna
live like this?

How are we gonna sleep?"
I was like,

"We fucking slept enough, man."

I was like, "Look at this thing.
This is our god now." Like...

So if you're in my bedroom
and you're sitting on the edge

of my bed and you're
tying your shoes,

you get up, you go,
"One, two..."

You're on the fucking TV.

So we have this massive TV
in my bedroom,

and I've never seen
Comic Book Men on it.

So one night, I said that I
wanted to watch it.

Like, you know,
tried to test the waters.

And... and so I told my wife,
I was like,

"Hey, man, um, I wanna watch
Comic Book Men

on the big TV tonight
for the first time.

Like, that's cool, right?"

And she goes, "Oh, we don't
watch that show in here."

And I was like,
"I know. I know.

You know, which is weird
'cause it pays for everything.

But whatever. Like...

But tonight's special. It's the
end of the fourth season.

We just found out we're getting
picked up for a fifth season.

So I wanna like live tweet
the show from in here."

Normally, I do it in my office.
I watch it on a laptop.

I was like, "I'd love
to watch it on the big TV.

I wanna live tweet,
send pictures."

And my wife's like,
"Why do you need pictures?"

And I was like,
"I don't wanna tell you

'cause you're gonna fucking
make fun of me and shit."

And she was like,
"You have to tell me

'cause I control
the television."

So I said, "Okay."
I said, "I've never seen

my show on the TV,
but the TV's fucking big.

It's taller than me
when I stand next to it."

It's 103 inches wide.
But it's fucking about six...

six-three tall from the ground
with the base.

I was like, "So when
you see people on it,

they look life-sized.

And I've always wanted to like
watch Comic Book Men,

and when I came on the screen,

pause it...

and then go stand next
to myself."

She goes, "Why?"
I'm like, "To take a selfie."

You know.

And she looked at me
with that fucking look

of disdain like,
"I can't believe I let you

stick your fucking dick in me."

She goes, "No,
you watch that in the office."

I was like, "Come on, man.
This is fucked up.

Don't you think
it's fucking crazy

that we're fucking this deep
into a show

that I'm on every episode of
and you don't watch it?"

And she goes,
"Why would I watch it?"

And I was like,
"I don't know, man.

Like, 'cause I'm on the show."

And she goes,
"Well, it's not like

I'm in the Kevin Smith
demographic, now am I?"

And I said,
"You fuck Kevin Smith!

If you're not
in the demographic,

it's in you from time to time!"

And she was like, "I could see
this really fucking upsets you."

I was like, "I think it's
fucking weird, man.

If you were on a TV show,
I would have watched

every fucking episode and shit.

But you don't watch the show
that I'm on."

And she goes, "Jesus, Kevin,
if I really wanna see you

fucking cry about Batman
and wear that jersey,

I'll look to my left."

So that's a long way
of fucking saying

that like she's over
my bullshit.

Like, you know.
This is her idea of hell.

Like being forced to sit
there and listen to Kevin Smith.

Like, she doesn't
understand you people.

So, uh...

So, you know, when I was on
the balcony in Spokane,

telling her the story
about the balcony in Phoenix,

I didn't expect her to have
the reaction you guys had.

But she fucking surprised me.

As previously mentioned,

she was about four glasses
into Spokane.

So she looks at me
with bedroom eyes,

and she goes, "You're cute."

And this never fucking happens.

And-- but I knew
what it was about.

And I was like, "Really?"
She goes, "Yeah.

Whenever you tell a story,
you wave your hands all around."

She's like, "It's cute."

So I fucking look at my time
and shit,

and I've got ten minutes
until the next show.

And then I look from the balcony
to across the street,

see what kind of geography
I gotta face to get there,

and then I start doing
the sexual math in my head.

And so I was like,
"How cute?"

And she goes, "Real cute.
What do you want?"

And I was like, "I don't know,
cute enough to get blown

before the next show?"

And she goes,
"Oh, my God, Kevin,

you could never cum that fast."

Which sounds like another
fucking criticism,

but it's based
on empirical wisdom.

This is weird, I gotta tell you.
This story--

Tell you the rest of this story.

And all the other stories
are mine,

but this is my wife's story
and it's personal.

But like nothing will make sense
unless I tell you this.

Um, my wife is... I don't know
how else to describe it.

She's the most easily orgasmic
human being I've ever met

in my entire life.

Uh, it does not take much.

Some people are a lot of work,
my wife is not a lot of work.

I could be standing
across the room,

leaning on a wall,

and she could be on the
other side of the room,

on the bed, laying down,
wearing, you know,

a pair of sweatpants.

And all I have to do is go...

And by the time the fucking
butterfly effect hits her crotch

she's like, "Oh!"

It's crazy. It's wonderful, man.
It's fantastic.

Like, when we first met, that
was one of the first things

I learned about her and shit.
I was like,

"Oh, my God! She can cum
so fucking easily!

I'll never work again!
Like, this... this is nuts."

First time we were ever
together, man,

like she rolled me on my back
at one point,

like I was trying to make
the moves and shit.

And she threw me on my back
and got on top.

She's like, "I like it
being on top!"

I was like, "That's where you'll
stay for the rest of our lives."

That's still how we fuck
to this day and shit.

And unlike anyone else
I've ever had sex with,

she was going buckwild
and shit like that.

I was like fucking impressed
with myself.

I was like, "Is this shit me?"
She's like, "Fuck no!"

You know.

It has nothing to do with me.
It's not like I'm walking around

going, "I sling a magic dick."
Not at all.

She's just like-- I'm like
basically a scratching post

and she's a cat, and she just
does shit. You know?

And then fucks off
and stuff like that.

So because I learned early on
in the relationship

she could crank out a few,
multiple orgasms,

it had nothing to do with me,
again.

She just needs a warm body
and friction, shit like that.

So since she could
crank out a few,

I was like, "Oh, fuck.
I'll try to hold out

for as long as I can."
'Cause I get one shot.

I don't get like fucking
five nuts to bust and shit.

I get one, I'm 47,
like one a week.

So, like, at the end
of the day, man,

I try to hold onto it because
once it's over, it's over.

I'm like Luke Skywalker
bombing the Death Star.

Like... You know.

Shit blows up and I take
the fuck off. You know?

Every once in a while,
she's like,

"You wanna fuck again?"
Like, five minutes later.

I'm like, "Yeah, man.
Wednesday, let's do it.

I'll have built it up again
and stuff."

So I try to hold out
for as long as I can

because she seems to be
enjoying herself.

'Cause she can get a few
fucking orgasms done.

And when I say hold out
as long as I can,

mind you, this is literally
about four to six minutes.

She gets a lot done in that
fucking time and whatnot.

So, you know, I just hold out
until she's like,

"Will you fucking cum already?"
You know.

And then I'm like,
"It's my special time." So...

So her experience
is based on that.

I never fucking told her
that I could cum real fast.

When I'm by myself,
I cum like a fucking pro, man.

Like, real fucking fast
and shit.

I'm real good at it. Had years
of practice and whatnot.

So... so she-- when she said,
"You could never cum that fast,"

this is based
on empirical knowledge.

But I was like, "Oh, no."

I said, "I know what
you're thinking."

I said, "But I can
cum very fast.

When I'm by myself,
I cum very fucking fast.

Like, I swear, if you
wanna give it a shot,

I could totally pull this off
in under five minutes."

And so she fucking takes
her glass of wine

and she fucking throws it back,
she puts the glass down,

and she stands and she looks
at me and she goes,

"Lay down on that bed
and pull down your jorts."

Which really should have fucking
turned me off, man.

Like... but I was like,
"Fuck it."

I ran over to the bed
and fucking yanked my jorts down

and just presented and shit.

And there was nothing romantic
about it or sexy.

She didn't put on any music
or any shit like that.

She just got to the fucking bed
and like fucking

got down and was just like...

'Cause she's been
through it before.

We've known each other 20 years

we've been doing shit
to each other and stuff.

So she's like,
"I know what this is gonna be.

Fucking it's gonna take him
forever."

But she hadn't met
her real husband. You know?

And she was about to
and shit like that.

It was very-- it was rote.
It wasn't romantic.

It was clinical.
It was perfunctory.

It was almost like...

like the owl in the
Tootsie Roll Pop commercial.

Like, "How many fucking licks
is this gonna take, man?"

I was like, "Fucking three,
I assure you."

So she went for it,

and fucking it was not
what she was expecting.

And this is the sound
that my good lady wife

of 19 years, the person I've
been intimate with for 20 years

made when she found out
who I really was

hitting the back of her throat
at 95 miles per hour.

This was the sound.

It was like I'd fucked
Scooby Doo

in the mouth or something
like that.

So she fucking gets up,
she runs into the bathroom

and I hear her go like...

Because she loves me,
but not that fucking much.

You know...

Then she runs back in, she goes,
"What the fuck was that?"

I was like, "I told you, man.
I can cum real fast

when I'm by myself, when I'm
really putting my mind to it

and stuff like that."
She goes, "Jesus Christ, Kevin."

She's all sad, she goes,
"Jesus Christ, Kevin.

If I'd have known that you
could have cum that fast

our entire fucking lives
together,

I would have
blown you every day."

And I was like,
"It's never too late."

So...

So we've been together
like I said fucking 20 years,

we've been married 19 years,
we have a marital contract,

of course, but at the end
of the day,

we just added to it
fairly recently.

Little paragraph,
a subsection that says,

um, if I can promise to cum
in under five minutes,

she's morally obligated
to try to blow me.

And we call it
the Spokane Amendment.

I don't wanna paint a picture
of her as like intolerant.

She's generally
a patient woman.

Just not with me.

But she stood by me. My
grandmother always used to say

like when I had girlfriends
in high school,

she was like, "They stood by you
when you were fat."

And my wife has stood by me
when I've been fat.

And then a few years ago, I
dropped a bunch of weight, man.

I saw a documentary
called Fed Up.

And it was about sugar.
And for the first time,

like, I guess because
they used cartoons,

I understood sugar's eff--

Sugar's effect on the body.
And I was like, "Oh, shit.

So I should stop eating
fucking sugar."

And I did, and I lost
like 80 pounds and shit.

-So it was a-- Thank you.

Um...

It was-- if you could get past
the fucking desire for sugar,

'cause it's very much
like a drug,

and when you quit it
there's fucking withdrawal

period and shit, where I was
insanely depressed.

For the first time in my life,
I was like I couldn't

manufacture a fucking positive
thought and shit like that.

My wife was like, "That's
because you got rid

of your best friend, sugar."

I was like, "What do you mean?"
She was like, "Kevin,

you used to wake up and do
like two fucking fistfuls

of popcorn-flavored
jelly beans.

And then you'd be like,
'Where's breakfast?'"

You know, so she's going,
"Sugar leaving your food pyramid

is really affecting your body.
You're gonna have an adjustment.

Like when Jason got off heroin
or something like that."

And so she's right, man. It was
fucking hard for two weeks.

Like, it was easy once you got
past the two weeks

and we didn't think
about it anymore.

But in those first two weeks,
I would have sucked dick

for Lucky Charms, man.

I missed my good friend, sugar.
So as sugar went away,

the weight just
kind of like fell off and stuff.

I didn't have to do anything.
I walked dogs.

I walked my dog up the hill.
It's not very far.

It's like a mile and a half
up and down and shit.

That's the only exercise I get.

I do it in the neighborhood
adjacent.

Mewes lives down the street
from me.

We didn't buy houses
near each other.

But he bought his house

in my fucking neighborhood
and shit.

Every time we drive past
my kids, it's like,

"Aw, it's so cute that you live
near your best friend."

I was like, "He lives near me."

Anyway, Jason comes over
sometimes.

We walk the dogs together
up the hill and stuff like that.

And periodically, people drive
through the hills, they're like,

"Jay and Silent Bob
walk dogs."

So just dropping sugar
and fucking walking the dogs

like really made the difference
and the weight kind of fell off.

And at one point, like my
underwear started sagging,

because I used to wear
very big underwear.

Like fucking 5XL underwear
or something like that.

So that shit started sagging

because the weight
kind of went away.

And I-- my wife finally
took notice of it

and was like,
"This is fucking shameful."

She's like, "They just keep
falling off your body.

And what we're seeing
isn't any better."

You know, so... she's like,
"You gotta go fucking

get some new underwear
and stuff.

And if you're gonna do it,

don't buy fucking
maroon underwear."

That's what I would wear
all the time.

I had this maroon underwear,
'cause, you know,

I usually just get my shit
at fat guy store.

And they don't give you a lot
of fucking choices.

Now, they do.
Now, they put on like,

"Hey, there's a Batman shirt
for you, fat guy."

But generally speaking,
back in the day,

it was like "big dog"
and shit like that.

Very generic but very
"I am overweight."

So I would get my underwear
at the fat guy store and shit

and they didn't have much
of a selection.

It was always like
tighty-whiteys,

that's what I wear and stuff.

I don't wear-- the
crimefighters, Jason calls them.

Um, I don't-- I don't wear
boxers, just tighty-whiteys.

And so one time I went in
to the fucking fat guy store

and they had,
next to the tighty-whiteys,

the mot beautiful thing
I'd ever seen:

underwear that was colored
and it was maroon.

And I was like, "Oh, my God!

I'm gonna look like Superman
wearing this shit." You know?

So I took it home and it
was a three-pack and shit.

And I showed my wife.
I was like, "Look, man."

I was like, "You say I never
change anything and shit.

But I went and bought
new underwear."

And she goes, "Maroon?"

And I was like, "Yeah."
She goes, "Why?"

And I was like, "I'm expressing
my individuality." You know?

And she goes, "Oh, my God.
Take these back."

And I was like, "Fucking why?"
She was like,

"Maroon underwear, Kevin?
I get a vote in this.

I'm the only one that sees
your fucking underwear."

You know. I was like,
"All right."

So I went back
to the fat guy store.

I bought 12 more pair.
Fuck her. So...

And every time we would
get intimate and shit,

she's like open up my drawer
and be like, "Ugh! Maroon!"

You know? It was a hurdle
to get through and shit.

So she was saying, "If you're
gonna get new underwear,

don't fucking get maroon."
I was like, "Maroon forever,"

and shit.

So I was out on the road.
Where was I?

I was in Kansas City.

And so I had a little time
down between gigs and whatnot.

So I was like,
I'm gonna go out shopping.

And I asked them at the
front desk, I was like,

"Hey, man, where do you got--
where do you got like

the fat guy store?"
They're like, "Oh, you want

to go to the
low-end strip mall."

I was like, "Brother, I live
at the low-end strip mall, man."

And I took a car there.

I walked in and I was looking
for my maroons.

And I found them.
And then I saw

the most beautiful thing
I'd ever seen

in a fat guy store:
a pair of black underwear.

And I was like, "Oh!
I'm gonna look like Batman!"

You know, and I fucking...

So I bought it
and I took it back

to the hotel room
and stuff like that.

I was happy with my
fucking purchase.

And so, you know,
I thought of my wife

and I was just like,
"Oh, fuck. I'm gonna tell her."

And I said, "Hey, man.
Guess what I did today?"

You know, I was texting her.
She's like, "What?"

I was like, "I went
underwear shopping."

And she goes, "Oh, great.
More maroon."

And I said, "No, not maroon."

And she goes, "What color?"
And I wrote, "Black!"

A lot of exclamation points
and stuff.

And she sent emojis
of surprise and...

And she goes,
"Send me a picture."

And so I saw my opening.

So I was like,
"You send me a picture, man."

And she was like, "What of?"
And I was like, "You know."

And she was like,
"You fucking pig."

But we've been married
for a while,

so fucking three minutes later
a picture came through

and shit like that.
And so it was a angle

of my wife's vagina,
and this is weird to say

because, again, we've been
together 20 years

and we've had fucking sex
any way you can have sex.

But it was an angle
of her vagina

that I'd never seen before.

And I was like, "Oh, my God!
It's like a stranger's pussy."

You know? And fucking...

So instantly I forgot
the conversation,

took it right to the sink
and started tugging one out,

looking right at it and shit.

So I got finished and then
I wanted to get in the shower

'cause I was sticky.
And so...

Took my black underwear
out of the pack.

I laid them out
on the fucking blanket,

there's like a white blanket
on the bed.

So it really popped hard
and shit.

And so I took a picture
and I wrote back,

"Yes, bitch."

I said, "Doesn't this
make you wet, motherfucker?"

And I fucking hit send
and shit like that, man.

And I hadn't fucking realized
that my wife

was not the last person
that had sent me a text.

While I was in the shower,
somebody else had texted me

and broken the conversation
with me and my wife

and fucking the very shocked
recipient of my underwear text

sent back a one-word response:
"Dad?"

So some shit goes well beyond
a response text, you know.

I immediately fucking called her
up and I was like,

"Oh, my God, kiddo.
You know that fucking text

was not meant for you.
It was meant for your mother.

And by the way, no man should
ever talk to a lady like that."

I was fucking mortified, man.

I was like, "Oh, my God.
Are you okay?"

And she goes,
"You know I'm gonna need

a lot of therapy, right?"

I was like, "Yeah, but fucking
go ahead, we got the money.

Go ahead."

I said, "But you gotta admit,
man, like, you know,

it's not the way you wanna find
out, but isn't it kinda nice

to know that your parents,
after all that time,

are like into one another,

to send each other texts
like that?"

I was looking for any
silver lining and shit

in the conversation.

And she goes, "I was just
happy to see you've moved away

from maroon, Dad."

Uh, I just back from Vancouver.
I was up in Vancouver.

I directed my third episode
of The Flash.

It was fun. It was awesome, man.
I go up there,

like, you know, in TV they don't
really need a director

in episodic TV.

Cast and crew make that show
every week.

If you ever look at the credits
of your favorite shows,

the director's the only name
that really changes and stuff.

That's how fucking replaceable
the director really is.

So the cast and crew makes your
favorite show every week.

The director shows up and
is nominally in charge.

But you can't really change
shit about it, man.

Like you can't really walk in,
I couldn't walk into Flash

and be like, "We're changing
the look of Flash this week.

It's all one shot,
back and white. Clerks."

Like that's...

So it's weird, when I show up
I find myself at a loss.

It's not like when I direct
a movie,

I'm involved in every aspect.

But on TV, I'm not really.

I'm kind of a bystander who gets
to say "action" and "cut."

But as a fan of the show,
it's fun

'cause you get to watch
that shit get made.

And I sit in on all the big
meetings and stuff like that.

And I watch very talented people
who do this every fucking week

sit around, talk to each other,

how they're gonna plan
this shit.

"How are we gonna make her fly?
How are we gonna do this shit

and whatnot?"
And then periodically,

they remember I'm there and they
look over at me and they go,

"What do you think, Kev?"

I'm like, "I think
that sounds awesome!" You know.

And they're like,
"Okay, big guy." You know.

And they go back to making
the fucking show

and stuff like that.
So it's been nice,

it's been a nice thing
to do, to go up there.

As a fan of the show,
I get to watch stuff get done.

And so, it first started
happening I think

when I was doing Supergirl.

Um, we were-- we were doing
some-- setting up

some fucking big sequence
at this pool.

Uh, the giant, like,
a community pool.

And it was a big wide shot
and whatnot.

We're doing it like
when the pool is closed

so it's like two in the morning.
It's real late.

So, you know, people are run
down, we've had our "lunch."

Which was at midnight
or whatever.

But people are getting tired
because it's late

and it's cold.
So, you know, I was like,

"Fuck man. I'm gonna get--
I'm gonna go get some

burgers for my crew."

For the people on camera
and stuff like that.

'Cause they're the ones that
gotta be up and sharp.

So I was talking
to the first AD,

he was like new on the show,

first time I'd ever
met him and stuff.

And I was like, "Hey, man.
I was thinking about--

how long do you think
this is gonna take?"

He's like, "I think we're gonna
be ready to go in five minutes."

"Hey, I'm gonna go grab some
fucking burgers, man.

Can you watch this?"

And he goes, "What do you mean,
watch this?"

I was like, "Well,
if you guys are ready,

just start shooting
without me." He goes,

"What an interesting way
to direct a show

by not being there at all."

I was like, "I know,
but you guys do this shit

every week without me.
Let's be real.

And it's a big wide shot,
performance--

we're just doing it
for the wide.

It's the performance--
I'll be back for that and shit.

You got this, right?" He's like,
"Sure, man. Go ahead."

And so I fucking got
in the car

and I left set and I drove down
the road to--

In Canada,
they got an A&W place.

They do A&W burgers
and root beer and shit.

And it's-- they're amazing.
It's my favorite burger

on the fucking planet.

So they're open 24 hours.

And they're like literally
across the street

from where we were shooting.

So I rolled up on A&W
at two in the morning.

And I pull up to the box
and shit.

And they're like,
"A&W, can I help you?"

It's one guy. And I said,
"Uh, hi.

Let me get 20 Buddy Burgers,
man."

And the guy goes, "Yeah, right."

I was like, "No, I'm serious.
20 Buddy Burgers."

And he goes, "Pull up to the
window so I can confirm

your method of payment."

I said, "Okay, fair enough."

And I went up to fucking
next window and shit like that.

And he opened his window,
I rolled mine down,

and he goes, "Oh, it's you.
Well, that makes sense."

I was like, "What the fuck's
that mean, man?"

He's like, "That's a lot
of burgers.

And I heard you were in town."
I was like,

"I-- they're not for me."

He was like, "I don't need
to ask any questions."

I was like, "I'm getting them
for the people on Supergirl."

He's like, "I'm sure you are."

I go, "20 burgers, man. How long
is that supposed to take?

'Cause I'm supposed to be back
in five minutes."

He goes, "20 burgers usually
take about 20 minutes.

But like if you will take
a selfie with me,

I'll do it in ten."
I was like,

"If you'll do it in ten,
I'll fucking blow you, man."

And he goes, "The selfie
will be fine, Mr. Smith."

So I said, "Fantastic."
So I waited by the side,

he cooked up fucking 20 burgers
and shit.

Came out with two big bags,
gave them to me.

He's like, "Thanks."
We took a selfie and shit.

Off I went, back to the place.
I was like, "Yay, burgers!"

And I started giving out burgers
and shit.

And soon the burgers
were fucking gone.

And I was like, "Oh, fuck.
I didn't get enough."

I said, "If I do this again,
I gotta get more."

Some crew members were like,
"Where's the burgers?"

I was like,
"Oh, they ate them all."

They're like, "Fucking A."
And walked away.

So I was like, "Fuck man.
Let me see if I can fucking

get some burgers going
and shit like that tomorrow."

So next day,
we were shooting late again.

Like it was one in the morning
and stuff.

And so, you know,
I was bored again on set

at a certain point,
everybody's working.

I don't really have anything
to do.

So I was like, maybe I'll go get
'em some fucking burgers, man.

I'll roll up on
the burger joint again.

It's right across the street.

So I pull up and I hear, uh,
"Welcome to A&W.

Can I help you?"
I said, "Hey.

Let me get 40 Buddy Burgers."

And the guy, it's not the guy
from the other night. He goes,

"What, are you high?"

"No, no, no." I was like,
"I-- no. I do want this."

And he goes, "Please drive up
to the next window

to confirm your method
of payment." You know.

So I drive up to the window,
he opens his up and mine,

he goes, "Oh, I heard about you.
I get it now."

I said, "What do you mean?"
He's going,

"You were here last night."
I said, "That's right.

I ordered 20 burgers."
He's like, "Yeah.

The guy last night,
he's a big fan and stuff.

He's been showing everybody
the picture."

I was like, "Right on." I said,
"Well, I'm back for more."

He goes, "What do you want?"
I said, "Can I get

40 Buddy Burgers, man?"
He goes, "Okay.

Give me your credit card."
I showed him. He's like,

"All right." I said,
"How long is that gonna take?"

He's like, "40 burgers,
40 minutes."

I was like, "Oh, well,
the guy yesterday, man,

he said 20 burgers
takes 20 minutes.

But he did it in ten and shit."

And he goes, "That's 'cause
the other guy's a big fan."

Understood, captain. You know...

So I went and waited.
40 minutes later, man,

they brought out my fucking
Buddy Burgers.

Big bags and shit like that.
I said thank you.

I went back to work and shit.
I was like, "Hey!

Fucking burgers for everybody!"

Everyone's like happy
to get them. It's crazy, man.

It's really sweet.
Like, it's...

I don't know why,
they're like, "Oh, my God.

This is nice." And I'm like,
"It's $1.99 burger."

I tell them all. I'm like, look,
man, I'm gonna go home

and they're gonna give me
so much fucking credit

for directing this episode.
We all know I didn't do shit.

The least thing I could do
is buy you a fucking burger.

And McCloud, the AD,
is like, "Fucking A." You know.

So it was great. Like people,
it really cheers people up

and shit like that. It's perfect
walking around food.

When you're done,
you just throw the paper out

and shit like that.
But I ran out of burgers,

40 wasn't enough. There
was still some people

that didn't get any.
I was like, "Fuck!

Next time I gotta go
fucking higher and shit."

So we had one more night
of night shoots and shit.

So it's about two in the morning
and at one point,

I rolled up to McCloud,
the AD, and I was like,

"Hey, McCloud." He goes,
"Go ahead.

Just get me three burgers."
You know.

I was like, "Will do, man."
So I got in the car,

and I went back
to fucking A&W and shit.

And I pull up to the box
and I was like,

"Hi, man. I'm-- let me get
70 Mama Burgers, please."

And the guy goes,
"Right away, Mr. Smith."

I'd built something of a
reputation of sorts and stuff.

So, you know, I was like,
"Oh, fuck. This is great."

I said, "You know what?
I'm gonna go deeper tonight."

I said, "70 Mama Burgers.

Let me get like 40 French fries
as well."

And he goes, "Okay."
I said, "20 onion rings."

He goes, "Right on." And I'm
looking at the menu board,

like I've been going to A&W
three nights in a row.

And since I stay away
from sugar,

I've been trying not
to succumb to the temptation

because like I love root beer.

It's one of my favorite things
in the world.

I love sugar.
I love sugar on anything.

You put it on dog shit,
I'm like this is the best.

But root beer is one
of my favorites.

And they market it so well.
Like the orange and brown

just like makes you salivate
and shit,

like a Pavlovian response.

And all these days and nights
I've been able

to not fucking get
a root beer.

But I'm like, it's fucking
two in the morning, man.

And like you're buying everyone
these burgers.

And like it's
like your mom said:

you're a good boy.
You know? Like...

You fucking--
you deserve a treat, man.

Why don't you get yourself
a fucking root beer, champ.

You know. And I was like,
"Let me add to that, man.

I wanna add one small
diet root beer."

And he starts laughing,
the guy in the ordering box.

I said, "What's the matter?"
He goes, "Look at the screen."

And I looked at the screen,
it said 70 Mama Burgers,

40 French fries,
20 onion rings,

one small diet root beer."

He goes, "That looks like the
worst diet ever attempted."

He goes, "I'm totally
Instagramming that."

So I pull up to the fucking
window and shit,

give him my credit card,
it's my friend

from the first night and shit,
the guy I took pictures with.

I was like,
"Hey, man. It's you."

He's like, "Mr. Smith,
I gotta tell you."

I said, "Look, first off,
Mr. Smith is my father.

Just call me Kevin."
He goes, "Kevin,

I gotta tell you,
I've been telling my manager

that you've been
coming every night

and that you've been buying
these burgers.

And my manager asked me
to ask you

if you wanna give us one
of your jerseys,

we'll hang it up here
in the A&W."

And I was like, "Are you telling
me you wanna raise my

fucking jersey to the rafters

of an A&W Root Beer?"

I was like,
"That's the highest honor

a non-Canadian can receive."

So, um, so I found my place,
like that's what I do.

I bring shit.
I bring food for people,

I bring toys for the actors.

That's how I do the actors
and shit like that.

I learned that when I was
on Supergirl at one point.

I had like a break,
lunch break,

and rather than sit around
and eat lunch,

like I smoked lunch.
And then we were near

a Toys 'R' Us, so I went stoner
shopping and stuff like that.

And, you know, I had a basket
so I kept throwing in shit.

Everything under five bucks,

little trinkets
and shit like that.

And so I bought like a book
of stickers,

puffy animal stickers.

We went back to shoot a scene
with Chyler,

who plays Supergirl's sister,
Alex,

and with Melissa,
who plays Supergirl.

And so we were about
to rehearse,

do a blocking rehearsal, and I
had one of the puffy stickers,

I had it on my finger and I
walked up to the two ladies

and I was like, "Ladies,
you see this puffy dog sticker?

Whoever wins this scene
wins the sticker."

It was adorable. Chyler goes,
"You're going down, bitch."

You know, fucking...

And they did, they fucking
out-acted each other,

like wizards fighting
and shit like that.

All for the puffy sticker.
And at the end,

I was like you both
get a puffy sticker.

And Chyler was like,
"That wasn't the rule."

You know.

But how I direct is I bring
food for everybody

and give them toys and shit.

I'm more of like a craft service
person, you know.

Or a candy man
than anything else.

Um, I love doing
this sort of thing.

And there's always people
that will come up to me

after the show,
say very nice things.

Uh, very cool things about
like, "Oh, my God.

It's so... you're so talented."

That's the one that
really fucking bugs me

and shit like that. Me-- and not
because I'm irritated by it.

But when you say shit
like "talent,"

it makes people go like,
"Oh, you're special

and this person's not."
I don't agree with that.

I don't really do anything
that requires talent.

I just kind of chase my dreams.

Anything I wanna try,
I give a shot to and stuff.

Before I get out of the show,
I always like to remind people,

like, you can do that too.

Like, at the end of the day,

this doesn't require
fucking talent.

Invariably,
somebody will say to me,

before the night is over,
"Oh, my God.

It's so talented how
you can stand up there

and talk for so long."
And I'm like,

"That doesn't take talent
to talk

and tell stories about my life.
That just takes a memory.

Like that's... that's it.
That doesn't require talent."

My day job doesn't even
take talent.

You think it takes talent
to stand on a movie set

and wear a backwards
baseball cap

and a trench coat
and say nothing?

That's the exact opposite
of fucking talent, man.

I said I'll take it
one step further.

It doesn't take talent at all
to work in the movie business.

You think it takes fucking
talent to stand on a movie set

and be like, "I'm Batman."
Ben Affleck does it,

so I know it don't take
fucking talent.

Don't let people use
like a word like that

to put shit between you
and something you wanna try.

This doesn't take talent.
It doesn't take talent

to talk about your fucking life.
Over the course of your life,

you've listened to people talk
on the radio,

or seen people talk on TV,
and you've said to yourself

or thought to yourself,
"I'm smarter than these people.

I'm funnier than this person."
You're probably thinking that

shit right now.

And you're probably right, man,
but nobody's gonna know

unless you kinda go out there
and express yourself

in some way, shape or form.
Share of yourself.

Now, some people don't want to
'cause they're afraid

that it might not work
and shit like that.

Like, "Oh, what if I fail?"
But there is no such thing

as fucking failure. Failure
is just success training.

I know that sounds like a cat
poster, but it's fucking true.

Like, nobody ever fucking
gets something right

on the first try and shit.

Don't be afraid of failure.

Don't let that
keep you from trying something

that you might wanna try
and stuff like that.

Rather fail spectacularly
than live your life wondering,

like, "I wonder if that shit
would have worked out."

That's how I've just
kind of conducted myself

for the last like 20, 25 years.

And it's led on this weird
fucking journey.

So the cats who come out
and support me

and see the shows and stuff,
I always wanna try

to give something back
at the end of the day.

Like you've given me so much.
You've given me a way

to not have to fucking work
for a living.

So like, you know,
I always wanna try to give back.

I could give the money back,
but fuck that. So like...

the least I could give back
is I know there are people

in the audience that are like,
"I kinda wanna do what you do."

And you absolutely fucking can.
I'm gonna tell you something

that maybe like you don't hear
that much anymore,

'cause you're adults and shit,
and it's our job

to say this to younger people
and shit.

But this is the truest sentiment
a stranger's gonna fucking

tell you this week,
so fucking get ready.

You are smart and good.
You're all fucking talented.

You all have something amazing
to fucking say.

-So...

find a way...

Find a way
to fucking share that.

I-- I've, like,
I'm 47 years old.

And I'm still trying to figure
out who the fuck I am.

So before you leave this world,
figure out who you are

at your core, man.

I have, as I mentioned
at the beginning of the show,

a kid, like so I guess
at my core, ultimately,

I'm a fucking dad.
So I do dad-type things

and I wanna share this fucking
last thing with you.

Uh, my kid and I text.
This is a text exchange

we had about her boyfriend,
Cory.

She's got this
boyfriend, Cory, man.

He's a great fucking kid.

I know you're supposed to be
like, "Hey, man.

He's dating my daughter
and that makes me mad."

Not at all. They've been dating
for five years,

they met like freshman year,
and when they were dating

for four days, man, I watched
and met the dude and shit,

and I told my daughter,
"Marry this boy tomorrow."

You know. And my wife is like,
"You fucking stoned?

They're 14." I was like, "It
worked for Coalminer's Daughter.

Let them get married!"

So I him,
I'm a Cory booster, man.

I'm always like, "You'll never
find a guy like this.

He literally gives a shit
about everything you say.

He's always hanging
on your every word.

He's like Lloyd Dobler
in Say Anything and shit.

Not every guy is like this.
Most guys are like Uncle Jay.

So like...

I said stick with this
fucking guy.

So she did all through
high school and stuff.

And senior year, like I said,
she just graduated,

she got to go to two proms,
her prom at her school

and Cory went
to a different school.

So they went to her prom first,
then they went to Cory's prom.

And I was out on the road
doing a gig.

And this is the fucking text
I got from my kid

on prom night. She goes,
"Dad! SOS."

I'm freaked out 'cause I'm
someplace else in the country.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God!
Are you okay?"

And she goes, "No!
Cory's bowtie broke.

Where do you keep
your spare bowties?"

I said, "Kiddo, I don't have
a bowtie, let alone spares."

And she wrote, she has
the temerity to write,

"Seriously?"

And I'm like, "I wear the same
fucking outfit every day."

I said, "You ever see me wear
a bowtie with a hockey jersey?"

And she goes, "What about
when you got married?"

And I said,
"I was wearing a hoodie

and a Jay and Silent Bob
shirt."

And she goes, "Ew! You're so
fucking lucky Mom married you."

And I said... I said, "Why?

Because I wasn't wearing
a bowtie?" And she goes,

"No, because you wore
a Jay and Silent Bob shirt

to your own wedding."

And she wrote, "Duh! Look at me!
I'm Silent Bob!"

Ladies and gentlemen, you have
a good time this evening?

I cannot thank you enough
for coming out, man!

Thanks for listening
to me bullshit!

Make sure you go out
and bullshit

before you leave this world!
I love you all, good night!

This is the room where I almost
died. Look at this.

Could you imagine if this
was your death room?

The last thing you saw was this?

I could not get comfortable
to save my life.

That's 'cause I was dying.

Kids, when you're dying,
very tough to get comfortable.

Basically, three hours prior
to this moment,

I'd smoked a joint,
so I was calm.

I never got scared and stuff.

They told me later on,
the doctor was like,

"You were so calm."
And I said,

"I was blazed, man.
I smoked."

He goes, "That saved your life."

I said, "Smoking weed
saved my life?

Can you-- I'm gonna put that
on a fucking shirt

and on a bumper sticker
and stuff like that."