All language subtitles for Family Guy - 16x19 - The Unkindest Cut

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,590 --> 00:00:04,560 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,590 --> 00:00:08,200 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:11,430 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:14,430 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:17,930 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:21,540 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:23,160 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,180 --> 00:00:24,860 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:30,220 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,600 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.Addic7ed.com ... 11 00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:36,850 Is it me, or does David Ortiz 12 00:00:36,890 --> 00:00:39,050 look just like the mom on Good Times? 13 00:00:39,090 --> 00:00:41,500 - Oh, Peter, that's racist. - Well, no. Look. 14 00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:45,330 I take it back. 15 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,600 That's not racist. That's just accurate. 16 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,760 Hey, guys, guess who's got the keys 17 00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:52,030 to a speedboat just sitting down at the station? 18 00:00:52,070 --> 00:00:53,670 How'd you get a speedboat? 19 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,940 Well, it's a funny story. 20 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,460 That was a funny story. 21 00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:01,940 Especially the funny part. 22 00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:03,880 You really delivered on your promise. 23 00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:06,320 All right, who's up for waterskiing?! 24 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,100 - Hell yeah! - All right! 25 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,280 Yeah, let's do it! 26 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,090 Oh, that sounds amazing! I love boats. 27 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,450 Boats are my thing. 28 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:16,900 Anything to get out on the open water, enjoy the salt air. 29 00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:18,020 Oh, they're already gone. 30 00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,536 No, you didn't widen enough. 31 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,700 But you still can't come. 32 00:01:25,970 --> 00:01:28,770 Good evening, Quahog. Just parking. Be there in a sec. 33 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,240 Our top story: 34 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,660 authorities have uncovered a mob-run prescription drug ring 35 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,210 targeting Goldman's Pharmacy. 36 00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:39,850 The scam involved fraudulent prescriptions 37 00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:41,180 submitted for dead people. 38 00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:43,540 Pharmacist Mort Goldman failed to report 39 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,890 to authorities for questioning. 40 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,220 A $10,000 bounty has been offered for his return. 41 00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:50,840 $10,000? That's a lot of money. 42 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,600 Could be our money, Brian. 43 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,600 We could find Mort. Easily. 44 00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:56,700 Besides, we haven't done anything together 45 00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:59,430 since our confusing two-host talk show. 46 00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:02,040 So, Chris Pratt, I hear you have a new movie out. 47 00:02:02,110 --> 00:02:03,470 So, Chris, you're from Seattle? 48 00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:05,440 Chris, what was it like working with Amy Poehler? 49 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,860 Hey, Chris, anything you can tell us about Guardians 3? 50 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,060 - Chris! Chris! - Chris! Chris! 51 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,440 - Chris Pratt, always a pleasure. - Well, that's all the time 52 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:12,096 - we have with Chris Pratt. - Take it away, 53 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,920 - multiracial modern band! - retro swing guys! 54 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,280 Guests of 55 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,559 - The Stewie Griffin Show stay - The Brian Griffin Show stay 56 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,360 - at the Essex House. - at the W Times Square. 57 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,760 Waterskiing! 58 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,800 - All right! - Water-sitting! 59 00:02:37,470 --> 00:02:39,000 You got to cut to the right. 60 00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:42,010 No, no, it's counterintuitive. You got to cut left. 61 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,480 I know how to drive. 62 00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:51,680 Stop looking at us! 63 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:02,100 Ugh! Maybe we won't be going waterskiing today. 64 00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:03,180 Shut up, Joe. 65 00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,830 Hey, you want some help? I do this all the time. 66 00:03:05,870 --> 00:03:08,200 [BLEEP] Get back in your car with your wife! 67 00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:14,660 When you're going backwards, everything's the opposite. 68 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,080 Oh, really? Thanks, driving instructor. 69 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,970 I feel like everyone watching knows 70 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,000 I'm incapable of pleasing my wife sexually. 71 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,740 Now cut the wheel. Cut the wheel! 72 00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,820 No, the other way! 73 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,890 Ah, hell, we're gonna be on the Internet. 74 00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:14,900 You know what? Screw it. 75 00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:22,580 Let's boat! 76 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:29,280 Cleveland, aren't you waterskiing? 77 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,900 - I don't like getting wet. - Oh, come on. 78 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,260 What's the worst that could happen? 79 00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:02,550 Mort must have panicked after the pharmacy bust and fled town. 80 00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:04,190 If we're gonna collect our ten grand, 81 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,250 we need to figure out where he went. 82 00:05:08,490 --> 00:05:10,960 Crap. His computer is password-protected. 83 00:05:10,990 --> 00:05:14,060 Um, try "Such heat this day." 84 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,460 Nope. 85 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,380 How about "This fish is cold, I want a refund"? 86 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,670 No. 87 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,270 "But I lost the receipt." 88 00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:25,270 Bingo. 89 00:05:25,310 --> 00:05:26,610 Aha! 90 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,580 A confirmed plane ticket to Boca Raton. 91 00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:31,650 Looks like we're going to Florida. 92 00:05:33,850 --> 00:05:36,660 They must have figured out where the pharmacist is. 93 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:38,350 We got to get to him first. 94 00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:40,390 We're going to Florida, too. 95 00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:44,040 I know the answer is no, but is there any chance 96 00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:48,160 there's time for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter? 97 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,270 Tony, what if the answer is a resounding yes? 98 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,140 Oh! 99 00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:18,830 What the hell? 100 00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:22,640 Oh. Oh, God! 101 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,710 Oh, my God! That shark's attacking Quagmire! 102 00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:32,710 I think it's got him by the wiener! 103 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,180 Man, that guy can get anyone to do that to him. 104 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,290 - Quagmire, are you okay? - Do I look okay?! 105 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,720 I think you'll be fine. 106 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,990 You just got to wipe that squashed tomato off your crotch. 107 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,400 Oh, my God! Quagmire lost his penis! 108 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,410 All right, we got to let all the other boats know. 109 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:03,440 What is it again? 110 00:07:03,441 --> 00:07:04,839 White flag for "friendly," 111 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,680 black for "not friendly," blue flag for "penis loss"? 112 00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:12,300 Oh, man, that sucks. 113 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,890 Doc, give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend? 114 00:07:23,930 --> 00:07:26,580 Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, 115 00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,660 so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. 116 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,830 - He's black. - Not that friend. Quagmire. 117 00:07:30,870 --> 00:07:32,730 Oh, him. Well, Mr. Quagmire, 118 00:07:32,770 --> 00:07:34,870 you've had quite the nasty shark attack. 119 00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:36,370 Luckily, you'll be okay. 120 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:39,170 But you're going to have to learn to live without a penis. 121 00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,440 Or will you? 122 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,250 Oh, what's this? 123 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,310 Is it... your penis? 124 00:07:45,350 --> 00:07:46,820 Nah, I'm just foolin'. 125 00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:49,520 I play that with my penis-less patients to lighten the mood. 126 00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:51,620 Liev Schreiber gets a big kick out of it. 127 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:54,060 Doc, do you know who you're talking to? 128 00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:57,180 - That penis was my whole life! - It's not so bad. 129 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,879 At least you're not this pathetic guy 130 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,406 who couldn't get his boat in the water. 131 00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:02,030 Have you seen this? 132 00:08:02,070 --> 00:08:04,770 You should take his wiener. He's clearly not using it. 133 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,770 Stop looking at us! 134 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,409 Ah, that... that does... that does make me feel better. 135 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,980 _ 136 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,120 - What are we doing here? - This is Pitbull's house. 137 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,360 He knows everything about South Florida. 138 00:08:27,390 --> 00:08:28,890 He can help us find Mort. 139 00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:31,290 Doorbell, doorbell, 140 00:08:31,330 --> 00:08:32,630 doorbell, ring. 141 00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:34,000 It's my house. 142 00:08:34,030 --> 00:08:35,440 Esta mi casa. 143 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,100 Wow. Imagine kind of knowing two languages. 144 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,040 Hang on. I'm in the middle of writing a song. 145 00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:45,240 ♪ Tingta tongka te tong tong tink. ♪ 146 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,780 That's a hit. 147 00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:49,140 What can I do for you, my friends amigos? 148 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,350 I told you. This guy's the real deal. 149 00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,500 We're looking for a friend who's hiding out down here. 150 00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:56,180 He's a Jewish pharmacist from Rhode Island. 151 00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,090 - Coral Palm Motel. - Told you. 152 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,120 And here's Pitbull with his newest hit, 153 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,420 "Tingta Tongka Te Tong Tong Tink." 154 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,160 Adios good-bye, amigo friends. 155 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,630 I got to go get paid to scream "Make some noise!" in Vegas. 156 00:09:21,380 --> 00:09:23,380 I think I hear Mort in the bathroom. 157 00:09:23,410 --> 00:09:25,150 Come on, urine, you can do this! 158 00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:27,650 It's just like your toilet at home. Please! 159 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:31,020 It's been five days now. Why won't you just cooperate?! 160 00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,940 Is someone out there? 161 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,066 Housekeeping! 162 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,460 Oh, come on in. I'm just urinating. 163 00:09:36,490 --> 00:09:39,590 Tinkle, tinkle, splash, splash, swoosh. Yeah, look at... 164 00:09:39,630 --> 00:09:41,760 Oh, boy, what a healthy stream! 165 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,470 Will it ever end? 166 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,600 What are you guys doing here? 167 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,500 We're taking you back to Quahog to collect our reward. 168 00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,570 Oh, no, I can't go back there! 169 00:09:51,610 --> 00:09:53,780 The mob will kill me! 170 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,480 - Ha! - What? 171 00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:58,310 A shark bit Quagmire's penis off. 172 00:09:58,350 --> 00:09:59,640 Ha. 173 00:10:03,450 --> 00:10:05,779 I can't believe it. This is horrible. 174 00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,760 - What am I gonna do? - Come on, now. 175 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:09,680 Keep that enormous chin up, Glenn. 176 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,130 There's lots you can do. 177 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,090 You could devote your life to Christ, 178 00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,860 or become a eunuch. 179 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:16,730 Cleveland, why don't you sit this one out? 180 00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:18,630 Listen, Quagmire, I got just the way 181 00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:20,870 for you to embrace your new life without a penis. 182 00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:22,370 I've had this computer blocked 183 00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:24,670 so you can discover all the other exciting things 184 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,060 - on the Internet besides porn. - Like what? 185 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,040 Well, uh, there's, uh... 186 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,110 I like to research birds. Try to learn a bird a day. 187 00:10:33,150 --> 00:10:34,750 Well, not that necessarily, but, uh... 188 00:10:34,790 --> 00:10:36,180 You got your robin. 189 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,320 Wow, you really know your stuff, Joe. 190 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,020 - Your swallow. - Swallow? 191 00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:42,400 Uh, actually this is what we're trying to avoid. 192 00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:43,499 You got your titmouse. 193 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,230 Damn it, Joe, stop with the sex birds! 194 00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:47,240 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, guys, 195 00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:48,630 but this is a disaster. 196 00:10:48,670 --> 00:10:50,770 You don't understand what that penis meant to me. 197 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,730 We did everything together. 198 00:10:52,770 --> 00:10:54,780 Absolutely everything. 199 00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:58,270 "As she tenderly unlaced her silken corset, 200 00:10:58,310 --> 00:11:00,980 Jennifer shuddered in anticipation of... 201 00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:05,280 ...the sensual night ahead." 202 00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:12,050 This is not good. 203 00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:13,720 As soon as I'm back in Quahog, 204 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,590 - the mob is gonna kill me! - I don't care. 205 00:11:15,630 --> 00:11:17,330 We're getting the hell out of Florida. 206 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,330 Florida. Which, interesting trivia, 207 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,460 was the name of the mom in Good Times 208 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,460 played by David Ortiz. 209 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:26,100 Uh-oh, looks like the mob knew we were coming. 210 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:27,900 It's him! Get him! 211 00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:29,470 Oh, no! We're done for! 212 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,580 No, we're not. I'm the fastest Jew in the world. 213 00:11:42,350 --> 00:11:45,590 Crap. They got Mort. There goes our reward. 214 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:47,620 Well, maybe we were in over our heads. 215 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,400 Like an announcer who knows nothing about his sport. 216 00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:52,760 He's got about 190 yards to the hole. 217 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,130 Looks like he's going for his 5-iron. 218 00:11:55,170 --> 00:11:57,270 And those greens are playing very fast, 219 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,400 so he's gonna have to use caution on his approach. 220 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,000 Yeah, yeah. 221 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,320 Jordan Spieth, of course, 222 00:12:02,340 --> 00:12:03,610 having a great tournament. 223 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,240 He birdied this hole yesterday. 224 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,740 Is that right? Wow. 225 00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:10,610 And he hits a great shot, right on the green. 226 00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:12,280 Yeah, yeah. 227 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,860 How, uh... how do you win golf? 228 00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:21,890 We now return to HGTV's 229 00:12:21,930 --> 00:12:23,390 Couples Looking for a House 230 00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:25,990 Where the Woman Doesn't Know the Guy's Gay. 231 00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:28,350 Well, I'm looking for a place with good schools, 232 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,800 and, because he works in the city, 233 00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,500 he's looking for an easy commute. 234 00:12:31,530 --> 00:12:33,370 Yeah, she teaches here at the high school 235 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,340 and I work in town as a choreographer and florist. 236 00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:38,710 And we'll probably need a nursery. 237 00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:40,580 Well, that's a discussion. 238 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,040 - Oh, hey, Quagmire. - Hey, Peter. 239 00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:46,500 I just came by to thank you 240 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,196 for giving me the kick in the pants I needed 241 00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,979 to stop feeling sorry for myself 242 00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:51,850 - and embrace my new life. - I farted. 243 00:12:51,890 --> 00:12:54,400 As a result, I've rediscovered an old hobby 244 00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:57,040 I used to love as a kid: ventriloquism. 245 00:12:57,140 --> 00:12:58,906 And I wanted to invite you guys to the opening 246 00:12:58,930 --> 00:13:01,180 of my new show at the Quahog Playhouse. 247 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,099 Quagmire, we'd be delighted to attend. Wouldn't miss it. 248 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:06,170 Gosh, thanks, Peter. That means a lot. 249 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,600 Okay, see you there. 250 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,440 Damn it! Why did I even open the door?! 251 00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:12,210 Ugh! 252 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,480 Getting excited. 253 00:13:14,510 --> 00:13:17,980 Now I got to go to this thing! Ugh! Bite me! 254 00:13:18,010 --> 00:13:20,320 Laughing already just thinking about it. 255 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,480 Only one way to get out of this! 256 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,520 Oh, I'm so glad Quagmire's back on his feet again. 257 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,240 God, this is gonna be torture. 258 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:42,080 Break a leg. 259 00:13:42,370 --> 00:13:43,440 Oh, hello. 260 00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,040 I didn't realize the curtain was up. 261 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,040 And people think I'm the dummy. 262 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,080 How is that doll talking?! 263 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:51,980 I'm Glenn, and this is Edgar. 264 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:54,920 What a great crowd, huh, Edgar? This is gonna be a fun night. 265 00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:56,250 You call this fun? 266 00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:58,550 You're talking to a wooden doll to make up for the fact 267 00:13:58,590 --> 00:14:00,250 that you can't have sex anymore. 268 00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:01,920 Come on, come on, Edgar. 269 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,490 That's-that's not true. 270 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:05,990 Besides, if you've got all the answers, what do you suggest? 271 00:14:06,030 --> 00:14:07,430 Here's a suggestion. 272 00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:10,160 Blow your [BLEEP] brains out in front of all these people. 273 00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,340 Is this, is this real? 274 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,220 Oh, c-come on, Edgar. 275 00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:16,500 I-I got a lot to live for according to everybody. 276 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:18,040 I'm not gonna kill myself. 277 00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:19,970 Well, then, maybe I can help. 278 00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:22,079 Quagmire, no! 279 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,860 Oh, God, Peter's here. I so don't want to talk to him. 280 00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:27,740 Hey, buddy. We got to catch up. 281 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,950 Well, Edgar, if you think that would be best. 282 00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:31,690 Yes, you'll be out of your misery. 283 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,860 I think it's the guy talking! 284 00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:36,100 Quagmire, have you lost your mind?! 285 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,720 I'm holding this gun until you start thinking straight. 286 00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:43,230 Use it on yourself, Joe. 287 00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:45,420 There's more than one bullet in here, Joe. 288 00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:48,220 Yeah, on second thought, maybe you should hold this, Cleveland. 289 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:50,910 Are you really gonna just sit there 290 00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:55,010 after all the crap white people have given you your whole life? 291 00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:58,410 You know, maybe you should hold this, Peter. 292 00:14:58,450 --> 00:15:01,820 Peter, you could get free tacos with me. 293 00:15:02,950 --> 00:15:04,020 It worked! 294 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,440 _ 295 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,870 Quagmire, why the hell would you want to kill yourself? 296 00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:17,260 Yeah, who ever heard of a depressed ventriloquist? 297 00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:20,500 You want to know why? Because I can't do this anymore. 298 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,140 My life is over. 299 00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:25,610 I tried to adjust, but it's impossible. 300 00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:28,150 Come on, Quagmire, it's not impossible. 301 00:15:28,190 --> 00:15:30,590 You want impossible, try eating local pizza 302 00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,250 with a guy from New York. 303 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,700 You call this pizza? 304 00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:36,320 We do here, yes. 305 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,300 All right, Brian, I negotiated to get Mort 306 00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:43,930 - back from the mob. - How? 307 00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:46,160 I told them Mort gave us his flash drive 308 00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:48,170 with enough evidence to put them all in jail. 309 00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:51,110 We're going to trade it for Mort and collect our money. 310 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:54,310 And I also ordered an extra slice of pie. 311 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,680 Because you know how many times we live, Brian? 312 00:15:56,710 --> 00:15:58,180 Once. 313 00:15:58,220 --> 00:16:00,250 Once. 314 00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:13,660 - Hey, Dad. - I'm so sorry, Glenn. 315 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,060 Stop staring, Cleveland! 316 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,900 I can support his lifestyle 317 00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,830 and still think it's weird! 318 00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:21,700 - Thank you, Cleveland. - Have a blessed day! 319 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:26,020 Believe me, Glenn, I know what you're going through. 320 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,260 No, you don't. 321 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,680 You had yours surgically removed in a hospital. 322 00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:31,510 I had mine bitten off by a shark! 323 00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:33,780 I'm not allowed to go into the ocean anymore. 324 00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:36,400 The doctor says I can't get seawater in it. 325 00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:38,760 I also have Crohn's disease. 326 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,180 They're unrelated. 327 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,260 Why are you here, Dad? 328 00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,920 I knew you were down in the dumps, 329 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,930 so I brought you something to cheer you up. 330 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,930 A Yeti cooler? 331 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,200 - That is kind of rad. - No, that's mine. 332 00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:50,480 Your gift is inside. 333 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:55,420 Is that your...? 334 00:16:55,610 --> 00:16:58,170 Yes, Glenn. It's my penis. 335 00:16:58,210 --> 00:17:00,610 After my surgery, I kept it in my freezer. 336 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,750 Next to a snowball from the winter, if you can believe that. 337 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:05,560 I want you to have it. 338 00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:08,840 I... I can't take your penis, Dad. 339 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:10,280 Please, take it. 340 00:17:10,340 --> 00:17:12,520 If you don't, I'm just gonna give it to Paul Ryan. 341 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,360 I don't know what to say. 342 00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:15,940 Thank you. 343 00:17:16,490 --> 00:17:17,790 Weird. 344 00:17:17,830 --> 00:17:20,620 Proud of you guys, but weird. 345 00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:29,170 Okay, has everyone washed their hands? 346 00:17:29,210 --> 00:17:31,580 Me neither, but going forward, let's try. 347 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,640 I'm so nervous for Quagmire. 348 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,710 I know, but it's nice that they served hot dogs for the surgery. 349 00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,340 There it is! Give me that! 350 00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:48,020 Nurse, you put it on there. I'm not gay. 351 00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:54,960 The operation was a success. 352 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,760 - Congratulations, Quagmire! - Thanks, guys. 353 00:17:58,030 --> 00:18:00,940 And, Dad, I don't know how to thank you. 354 00:18:00,970 --> 00:18:03,980 You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for. 355 00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:07,140 - I love you, son. - I love you, too. 356 00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:15,050 - So, will it work, Dr. Hartman? - Oh, yes. 357 00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:17,920 I'm not sure about urination or sex, but otherwise, yes. 358 00:18:17,950 --> 00:18:19,350 So, how you feeling? 359 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,420 I'm actually in extreme pain, Doc. 360 00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:23,620 It's like knives are stabbing into my crotch. 361 00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:25,060 Don't worry, that'll go away 362 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,240 once you fill your prescription at Goldman's Pharmacy. 363 00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:29,560 - Mort's is closed. - Oh. Oh, yeah. 364 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,930 Cool tie-in with the other story, though. 365 00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:34,740 I'm trying to get more involved in the writing this season. 366 00:18:34,770 --> 00:18:37,380 In fact, I think Family Guy should be more of a dramedy. 367 00:18:37,610 --> 00:18:39,270 - What's a dramedy? - Well, for one thing, 368 00:18:39,310 --> 00:18:41,910 the scenes don't have to end with jokes. 369 00:18:48,780 --> 00:18:51,020 - You got the flash drive? - Yep. 370 00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:53,590 All the information that could put you away forever. 371 00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:55,420 Now, again, I don't know why we couldn't 372 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:56,790 have done this by Dropbox. 373 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:59,130 I mean, I don't mind coming here to a parking lot... 374 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,559 I had to get Mort anyway... but 375 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,399 Dropbox would've saved you time. 376 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,730 And you wouldn't have to mail me back my flash drive. 377 00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,470 What do you mean, mail it back? 378 00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:09,480 You were planning to keep it? It's 64 gigs! 379 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,910 I bought the coverage. You're not getting the coverage. 380 00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,660 Hi, guys. I'm a pharmacist. 381 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,400 Ugh, Mort is so hard to write for. 382 00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:19,750 Okay, give us Mort. 383 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:21,760 My mailing address is in the flash drive. 384 00:19:21,990 --> 00:19:24,460 FBI! Freeze! 385 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,720 What the hell is this? 386 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,330 Thanks for your cooperation, Mr. Goldman. 387 00:19:35,370 --> 00:19:37,900 Wait a minute. You were working with the Feds? 388 00:19:37,930 --> 00:19:39,330 Absolutely. 389 00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:41,099 When I heard there was a reward, 390 00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,480 I immediately turned myself in. 391 00:19:43,510 --> 00:19:45,740 So you guys get bupkis. 392 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:47,400 I'm a pharmacist. 393 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,220 Well, Brian, we may not have gotten the $10,000, 394 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,360 but it'll be a joy 395 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,096 to hear no more Jewish talk 396 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,120 for a long while. 397 00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:58,950 "Brian and Stewie laugh. The image freezes. 398 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,390 The end." 399 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,560 Ah, that was a good day's work. 400 00:20:02,590 --> 00:20:04,160 I've earned this. 401 00:20:06,430 --> 00:20:09,230 Little shot of the ol' Sorkin genius juice. 402 00:20:16,490 --> 00:20:18,830 So, Quagmire, how's the new rod holding up? 403 00:20:18,860 --> 00:20:21,430 Yeah, you know. Good, pretty good. 404 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,300 I've been having a lot of sex. Um... 405 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:26,900 My dad didn't mention there's a four-inch mole on the left side. 406 00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:28,240 - What? - Uh-huh. 407 00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:30,340 It's, like, the size of a 50-cent piece 408 00:20:30,370 --> 00:20:33,380 - and a dime kissing each other. - Yikes. Frightening. 409 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,210 Yeah, some gals find it off-putting. 410 00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:38,410 I try to tell them it's my dad's old penis, but that, um... 411 00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:40,580 that just tends to make it worse. 412 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:42,580 But the girls that stay are just great. 413 00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:44,420 Well, I'm happy for you, Quagmire. 414 00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:47,190 Don't be. Anyway, I got to take a leak. 415 00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:48,980 Well, I'm just glad our friend's 416 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,440 back to his old self. 417 00:20:50,460 --> 00:20:52,340 Yeah, seems he hasn't missed a beat. 418 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:55,560 It's great that we can be there for each other in trying times. 419 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,040 What's that noise? 420 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,450 That's the sound of peeing out your daddy's wiener. 421 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:06,460 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.Addic7ed.com ... 31607

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