All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. 1x10 - The Rube Goldberg Contraption

Starting my own podcast company has been

the most exciting,
rewarding, and difficult thing

I've ever done, but the nice thing is

I can always come home to
the warm embrace of my family.

Don't come in here!

There is no reason to be naked
in the living room, Ben.

And don't throw last year's
Valentine's Day in my face.

No, Dad. I-I don't want you to trigger

my Rube Goldberg contraption.

Wow. Impressive.

But, hey, Ben, check out
this guitar pick

a guy on the subway gave me
for joining his sing-along.

Joke's on him, though.

You couldn't pay me not to sing

"We Are the World."

I was Cyndi Lauper.

Thanks, Dad, but I'm over guitar.

What? Since when?

I don't remember, but a long time ago.

Easily a week.

- What's up, guys?
- Oh, look who it is.

Is that the beautiful Rooni Schuman

from the yet-to-be popular
podcast "Gone Guy"?

Oh, actually, I was at Starbucks
earlier today,

and the woman behind me
was like, "I know that voice.

Are you Rooni from 'Gone Guy'?"

It was so exciting.

Eh, I'm sure that happens to you
all the time.

Yeah. All the time.

Attention, family.

Soraya, the marble, please.

I don't know where it is.

You had one job!

So, Ben's over guitar now?

How did I miss that?
Am I working too much?

No, it's Ben. It's hard to keep up.

One day he's vegan,

the next day he's smoking his own jerky.

You know what this means.

I'm gonna have to really
up my game for Career Day,

remind Ben how totally awesome I am.

Ah, yes, the true meaning of Career Day.

Found the marble.

Yeah, well, the momentum's still gone.

It's fine. I'll make it work.

Hold onto your butts.

Okay, now, what's the best place
to watch this?

I want to make sure
I'm in the perfect position

to appreciate the whole thing.

Wait! Not there!

Soraya, get the frozen peas.

Daddy's concussed.

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Okay, first order of business...

time to check
the weekly podcast rankings.

- Oh, God.
- I say we downgrade this ritual

to once a year
and spare ourselves the agony.

Every Tuesday, the ratings came out,

and sometimes it felt like
no one knew our podcast

was even there.

But this was the day everything changed.

Oh, my God. This can't be right.

Our Family's Business is number one.

Hundred?

No. We're number one.

We're first!

We're the most downloaded
podcast in the country!

Look!

I can't believe this.

We got discovered
by the show "Shark Tank"!

They tweeted, "Check out
Our Family's Business.

Alex Schuman puts it all on the line

to go after the American dream."

Yeah, we did!

We did it! We did it! We did it!

Okay. Remember what we said.

Count to two in your head, then release.

Nailed it.

N-No, you can't come back for seconds.

We're so excited, too.
This is the most...

Hundreds of thousands of people

had suddenly taken notice
of our podcast,

and, most important of all,
so had our main investor.

You guys, Sacca is going crazy
about these numbers.

He says we have to run with this.

He says he'll give us
as much money as we need

to deliver five new shows
by the end of the year.

Yay! But, wait, how are we gonna
pull off five new podcasts?

Sacca said he'd send us
all the help we need

in the form of Serena Bans!

Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding me right now?
- No.

- Serena Bans?
- Yeah.

The most famous podcast producer
on the planet?

- Yeah.
- First of all, there's no such thing

as a famous podcast producer.

Second, never heard of her.

Are you serious?

You've never heard of Incredibilia,

The VonTrieger Conundrum, Anaesthesia,

Hosted by Arnaud and Celine Juh?

- Are you having a stroke?
- Not yet.

I cannot believe that Serena
and I are gonna be colleagues.

And dare I say friends.

Best friends?

Anything can happen.

Guys, it's really happening.

Our dreams are coming true.

I think we should hug again!

I don't have time for one of your hugs.

I agree. Back to work.

Girl, the last episode
of your podcast was a-mazing.

Thank you.

They have been so much fun to make.

I think about them all day long,

usually when I'm supposed to be working.

Hey, Rooni, can I have a word?

Oh, sure.

How's the podcast coming?

Oh, um, yeah, it's okay.

But I want to reassure you

that it will not get in the way
of my work here.

Well, I can reassure you
that it already has.

Maybe instead of focusing on podcasting,

you can focus on these.

Wow, that's a lot of cases.

I e-mailed them to you, too,

but I felt like dropping them
on your desk

was more dramatic.

Have fun.

Sure.

Huh?

Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you!

Thank you. I'm so excited.

Put your dinner shoes on.

I'm taking you and the kids
out for steak.

Kids!

So, what, he wants five podcasts
by the end of the year?

That's... That's... Wow!

It is "wow"
and it's totally overwhelming,

but he's sending us
this amazing producer

named Serena Bans.

She hasn't even started yet,
and she's all over it.

Probably her texting me now.

Yeah.

And now she's e-mailing me.

We still have a landline?

Hey, you've reached the Schumans.

- We still have an answering machine?
- Leave a message.

I sure hope so. I just bought
a 12-pack of tapes for it.

Listen, babe,

I'm really glad that you got her
because my boss says

I have to start focusing more
on my real job,

which means I can't help out
as much on "Gone Guy."

Really? Babe, it's going so well.

I know. I'm sorry.

What's up, Dad?

Oh! Hey, guys, wash your little faces.

We're going out to dinner.
We're celebrating.

I can't. Emma's moms are out front.

I'm doing dinner at their place.

They're making Sloppy Janes.

Well, that's too bad.
What about you, Ben?

No, I got to take a rain check, too.

I'm going over to Greg's place

and we're editing
my Rube Goldberg video.

Oh, hey! Make sure you don't
let Greg near any Cheez Whiz

while you're over there.

Right?

No Cheez Whiz for Greg!

We know how that goes. Classic.

Yeah. Good one, Mom.

I got to tell Greg you said that.

Well, tell Greg I said hi.

- Who the hell is Greg?
- You know, Greg. Ben's friend.

If Ben had a friend named Greg,
I think I would know it.

Guys, this is Serena Bans.

These are my amazing partners,
Eddie LaGuzza and...

Deirdre Riordan. Hi.

Longtime admirer, first time...

meeting you. Hello.

I feel like I know you both already.

I did some light Googling and...

Oh, God, it was sorority rush,

and I had no idea that shaving
a goat's privates

was a misdemeanor.

I did not get to that page.

Like I said, welcome.

Uh, when you Google me,
you may have noticed

I have a lot of Miata parts for sale.

Not sure what your Miata needs
may or may not be,

but just know... I'm your guy.

Anyway... Serena, I thought
we'd ease you in today,

help you get your bearings.

Oh, no easing necessary. Let's dig in.

Okay, full disclosure...

I was kind of hoping
we could spend the afternoon

brainstorming ideas
for my son's Career Day.

Every year, I do a bit
of an interactive presentation.

The kids all look forward to it.
It's super special.

Sorry, dude, but maybe
you shouldn't have been

so damn successful.

Your investors want five new podcasts,

which, based on my experience,
really means 15,

which means we should
prepare at least 20,

which means we got work to do.

Yeah.

You're right.

Like I always say, "Screw the kids."

Let's dive in.

She made us work all day,
but on my way home,

I came up with
a great idea for Career Day.

Ben, your father's done it again.

Just jiggle the handle, Dad.

No, it's not that.

On the train home, it came to me.

Eureka!

Career Day: The Podcast.

At Ben's School.

- Dad...
- You guessed it.

I'm gonna do a live Career Day podcast

where I go around and I interview

all the different kids in your class

about what they want to be
when they grow up,

and everyone's participating.

This guy's doing sound effects,

and this little girl, you know,

she's on a banjo or a lute,
and we're jamming.

It's like Burning Man
at an elementary school.

Burning Boy. Learning Man.

I'll have something on the day.

- Yeah, t-that's really great, Dad.
- Right.

But, uh, I already asked Mom
to do Career Day.

Mom? Whose Mom?

My mom. Your wife?

Rooni Schuman?

What's up, guys?

Her?

I was afraid my career
was driving a wedge

between Ben and me.

And fear makes you see
everyone as the enemy.

So... I guess congratulations
are in order.

I had just naively assumed
that Ben would choose me

for Career Day,
as he has year after year

after precious year.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised
he asked me.

Hey, babe, can you turn
some lights on, please?

He's obviously punishing me
for being so busy with work.

I get it. I'm not a fool.

Or he wanted to learn
more about my career

as a public servant.

No.

Okay, well, I'm really
looking forward to it.

I just wish I was
a little less swamped at work.

- Seriously, could you get a light?
- I want to warn you.

There are certain kids in the class

that can get a little testy
with the parents

who have more "inside the box"
jobs, like lawyer.

You know, it's hard to keep
habeas corpus

from turning into habeas snore-pus.

- Alex.
- Hmm?

If Career Day is that important to you,

you can have it.

Ha! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No. I'm too busy.

I just have to mourn the fact

that my son and I are...
are drifting apart.

Okay? Let it happen.

Maybe dust off some records

and crank "Cat's in the Cradle."

Aah!

It's that golf ball
from his Rube Goldberg machine.

You know what? I'll get the light.

Another reminder of a thing

Ben and I don't have in common anymore.

I have an idea!

How do you like these sandwiches?

I got them at
a super-fancy sandwich place

where you're only allowed
to order in Dutch.

You've got the
"vleesliefhebber on plat brood."

Uh, it's fine. It's lunch.

Thanks.

So, Serena, what'd you do last night?

Honestly, last night, I worked

and watched the Rangers game.

You're a Rangers fan? Me too.

How 'bout that hat trick?

I thought Mark Messier
was back out there.

Man, when I was a kid,
Messier was my hero.

Mm. Mine was Janet Reno.

I was bit of a Jan-nut.

Actually, I took one
of his slap shots right here.

Wait.

You got hit by "The Messiah"?

I really did.

I got hit by the messiah, too.

At least that's what that minister

in that revival tent said

before he pushed my face
into the ground.

We have so much in common.

I wish I got hit by a puck.

Best thing that ever happened to me

was getting food poisoning
at a hot dog cart.

They gave me free dogs for a year.

I only got sick two more times.

You know what? The hell
with these fancy sandwiches.

Let's go get some dogs.

Oh, you read my mind.

Okay, yeah, no, cool. I'll just be here!

Ben's golf ball had given me
the perfect idea

for how to rebuild our bond.

Oh, hey, Ben. How are you, pal?

I've actually gotten into a little bit

of a Rube Goldberg phase myself.

Can I interest you in a glass of soda?

Wait! Before you answer!

Godspeed, little guy. You got this.

Okay, well, imagine
that had gone down the track,

and then it goes over the dominos.

Well, imagine that dropped
the ball in the bucket.

And then string, string, string...

Well, then that triggers the...

these apples.

Well, I needed more apples
to go in the colander,

but you get the idea.

And then over at the blower...

Stupid batteries on this thing.

Dad, you don't need to keep doing that.

I'm not really
into Rube Goldberg anymore.

Greg and I are inventing
our own languages now.

So... snap, snap, fizzle, blurp.

Fligglestorp!

Mom's definitely gonna be mad.

At work, I was trying to focus,

but all I could think about
was my crumbling relationship

- with my son.
- Al, get this.

Just talked to Theo from SoundCloud.

They said they'd host
all the new podcasts for free.

We just got to give them a shout-out.

That's great, Ed.

I thought you'd be excited.
I've been working this guy for months.

Why don't you go tell
your new best friend Serena?

And while you're at it, maybe
she wants to see that hat trick

that you apparently know how to do

but have never shown me.

Is it just a top hat that flattens?

Because, if so, yawn. I've seen it.

What are you talking about?

Serena's supposed to be my friend.

We both love podcasts.
We both make podcasts.

What does she even see in you?

You're the only person in this incubator
who still uses a Rolodex.

It's like, what are you, from 19...

whatever year it was
that they used those?

Whoa, this is starting to feel personal.

Excuse me if I like having
someone in the office

who can talk about sports.

Between you and Alex,

it's all "Les Mis" and dry shampoo.

Well, not everybody
puts a gallon of hair product in

every morning.

You know, Deirdre,
I don't think you deserve

a place in here any longer.

Let me just quickly access
your contact info.

Okay, I know you're in here somewhere.

Ah!

Oh!

- Hello.
- Hey, you're not gonna

believe this, but my boss
is making me go down

to the courthouse now.

I don't know if I'm gonna be
able to make it to Career Day.

Did I also mention
that I hate this place?

Really? That's fantastic!

- Thank you?
- No, I'm sorry, babe,

but this is exactly
the opportunity I need

to fix things with Ben.

I got to do a big gesture.

Honey, I think you're being
a little manic

about this Career Day thing.

You know, I was gonna do
a podcast about his classmates.

Instead, I'm gonna do a Ben-ography.

What? No. That sounds weird.

You know what else sounded weird?

"Coming to America."

And that turned out to be a great movie.

I might still be able to get down there.

Got to go. Byeee!

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, some parents
care more about their career

than their kids, but not this guy.

I'll take it from here. Thank you.

- Hi, kiddies.
- Oh, man.

I'm Alex Schuman, Ben's papa.

All right, kids,
well, as some of you may know,

I've recently made
a very big career change.

I used to be in radio,
and now I'm a podcaster.

Does anyone know what a podcast is?

It's radio on the Internet.

My mom listens to them,
and they're totally boring.

Oh, well...

I guess I don't need this card.

Nailed this one, too.

Here we go. And what is
podcasting most like?

Uh... that was you, again.

Anyway, because of that change,
I've had a little less time

to be with the very important
people in my life,

so we are gonna do
a live podcast right here,

and the subject is gonna be
my best friend,

Ben Schuman.

I call it a Ben-ography.

- What?
- Yeah, what?

Can a man...

Excuse me, young man.
I didn't catch your name.

- Greg.
- Oh, Greg!

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm so glad you asked.

On with the Ben-ography.

My relationship
with your favorite madman

began 12 years ago
when he came into my life

naked and afraid as a bouncing baby boy.

Dad, I'm naked in that!

Everybody has a tushy, Ben.

- Even Mr. Durham.
- Mm-hmm.

But, fine, if it makes you
uncomfortable,

I'll skip to my next thing.

Here's Ben starring
in his first-grade production

of "Little Orphan Annie."

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Dad, this is humiliating.
I'm out of here.

Wait! Ben! Wha...

Ben, where are you going? Ben?!

Dude, what did you do in there?

Never seen kids
more excited to listen to

a presentation on a career
in Orthodontics.

In retrospect, bringing
a nude photo of a minor

into a classroom was probably a misstep.

It's definitely different
than what I had planned.

I was gonna have them ask me
what the truth was,

and then I was scream at them,
"You can't handle the truth!"

Kind of looking forward to that
for weeks.

Yeah, they would have loved that.

You know what I've been thinking about?

When I saw those crazy numbers

and Sacca called to offer us more money,

I mean, that was beyond
my wildest expectations.

But now that it's actually happened,

I kind of wish it hadn't.

- Mo' money, mo' problems.
- True dat.

I mean, my life is so crazy right now.

Everyone's arguing at work.

I just publicly humiliated Ben.

The only time I ever see you
is when you're picking me up

off the ground,
either emotionally or literally.

Well, on the bright side,
you do fall a lot,

both emotionally and literally.

What if I were to tell Sacca

that we're not ready to expand yet?

Would you think I was a coward?

For choosing your family
and friends over your career?

I'd say that's pretty brave.

Dr. Gibbs!

Dr. Gibbs! Dr. Gibbs!

Whoa, what a rush!

Those kids were re-ceptive!

Time for an encore.

- Dr. Gibbs!
- You thought I was done?!

Think again, ya little bastards!

- Dr. Gibbs!
- He's so passionate about teeth.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Really? It's happening.

What is the deal with these guys?

What? What guys?

Alex and Eddie.

Alex is never here, and Eddie...

I mean, is that guy serious

with his Rolodex and his pinky ring?

Yeah, he claims that ring
has special powers.

I guess I can give Alex a pass

because he's obviously talented,

but Eddie's not a podcast person.

I'm just not sure that I want
to let some guy's cousin

jeopardize the prime of my career.

Plus, I have no need for Miata parts.

Nobody does. That's the problem.

Look, I get it.

I used to think that Eddie was
a lunkhead gumming up the works,

but he's really good at his job.

Plus, he teaches me old-timey sayings

like "lunkhead"
and "gumming up the works."

He's 1/3 of this company.
We couldn't do it without him.

And I wouldn't want to. He's my friend.

Well, your friend is not qualified.

I'm sorry, but he's got to go.

Well, maybe you're unqualified
and you got to go.

Excuse me?

If you can't recognize the value

that Eddie brings to this company,

then that makes me think that
you're not good at your job.

Maybe you need to take
the prime of your career

and blow it out your French horn!

I'm sorry. Are you... firing me?

- I am!
- Can you do that?

I'm not sure!

She can if another partner
agrees with her.

Wow. Okay.

Well, ultimately, it's up to Alex,
I'm sorry to say.

Oh, good. You guys are all here.

Serena, I am so sorry,

but I don't think I'm gonna take
Chris Sacca's money.

I just don't think we're ready
to expand that fast.

Is that okay with you guys?

Very okay.

Uh, does a goat quiver
when you shave its privates?

Sorry, Serena.

It's fine.

Honestly, I'll have another job
in like two minutes.

Good job. We did it.

Back to idle.

When I got home that night,

Soraya said she was taking us out

to celebrate my "job thing."

Plus I still had to make things
right with Ben.

Mom. Soraya.

Person who showed my whole class
my butt cheeks.

You weren't naked in every picture, Ben.

In some, you were wearing
your Little Orphan Annie dress.

Mm. You're right.
I should be apologizing to you.

Guys, I'm very excited you
wanted to go to dinner tonight,

but unfortunately, there's
nothing really to celebrate.

I decided it isn't worth
having a big company

if you all feel neglected.

Ben didn't even invite me
to his Career Day this year.

Wait, that's why you had a meltdown

in front of my whole class?

Dad, I don't feel neglected at all.

The only reason I didn't
invite you to Career Day

was because I didn't want
to make you feel like

you had to go when you had
so much else going on.

Really?

But, bud, I will always
have time for you.

But didn't you also invite me

because you were a little bit
interested in my career?

- No.
- Okay.

Look, Mom, your job's cool,

but Dad's is amazing.

He's building something
that's all his own.

That's what I want to do, too.

Me too. That's why Emma and I
opened a lemonade stand.

Sweetie, you started your own business?

Oh, we didn't order those.

She did.

It's okay, Dad. Business is booming.

Well, don't worry.
I brought my earnings, too.

- Good.
- What do you think, Al?

Think the kids might be ready
for you to go for it.

- Come on, Dad.
- You could be huge!

Well... there's really only one way

I'd be able to do it.

What?

What?

Good morning, you two.

What's all this stuff? A garage sale?

How much for the ladder?

I've been having second thoughts

about my second thoughts
about expanding the business.

I mean, we've worked so hard,

and our goal was always to expand.

Maybe we should give it a try.

You know me, I'm all for it,

but Serena was Sacca's choice.

He's not gonna give us the money

unless we get someone else
he trusts in here

and someone we trust.

Not sure if that person exists.

But, Eddie, what if she does?

May I draw your attention to my balls?

Ta-da!

For the record, I just wanted
to walk through the door.

You guys, it worked!

Why do you sound so surprised?

Way to go, Dad.

Wait a second. You're gonna
come work with us?

If you'll have me.

Really? Oh, my gosh!

We are gonna become best friends!

- Boop!
- Ooh.

Wow. You just booped me.

Yeah, we'll talk about that later.

Okay.

Isn't this exciting? She quit her job!

Like I said, starting
your own company is hard,

but the best part is
that you create a new family.

The problem is,
sometimes you have to choose

one family over the other.

Not anymore.

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www.addic7ed.com