Original subtitles

♪ Larry, Moe, Curly Joe I

♪ They're the funniest guys I know ♪

♪ Golly, gee, that's for me ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪

♪ Well, you can be like those three ♪

♪ If you don't use common sense ♪

♪ Yes, indeed ♪

♪ All you need ♪

♪ Is a high intelligence ♪

♪ Yes, sirree They're the three musketeers of comedy ♪

♪ They have fun, we have fun ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[audience clapping]

[narrator] Hollywood, California, glamour capital of the world,

where movie history was first written

by such greats as Valentino, Fairbanks, Pickford.

Today, a new chapter: television.

And carrying on in the tradition of the immortals, we find...

♪ Home cooking, home cooking ♪

♪ Nothing suits you like home cooking ♪

♪ Ha-dah, delicious rolls Delicious rolls ♪

Hey, hey, hey, Caruso, Caruso, you want the manager should hear you?

If she finds out we're cooking in our room, we're goners.

You know the trouble we had finding this place.

You better start cooking for the TV show for tomorrow,

or you'll answer to me. Now sound off.

Okay, chief.

Hello, everybody!

It gives me great pleasure on this monotonous occasion--

Hey, hey, hey, it's "momentous." "Mo-mentous."

Now, what you do you give me two words for when I'm having so much trouble with one?

- [grunts] - [groaning]

[knocking on door]

[manager] I smell cooking in there!

- Battle stations. - Okay.

Now open the door, or I'll use my pass key.

[knocking on door]

[Moe] Catch!

[knocking continues]

Oh!

Let old buzzard-face in.

[gunfire on television]

Hey, jughead!

The hat. The hat.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, Mrs. McGinnis.

You're looking the same as ever.

Thank you. [sniffing]

Now I know I detect the odor of cooking in this room,

which this hotel will not tolerate.

Cooking? What a lively imagination.

I dare say it's the aroma from the beanery across the street.

It floats in here all day long.

Well, you know the rules, and as the manager here, I--

- [gunfire continues] - Do you have to play that so loud?

You know what this means?

Yeah. It means goodbye!

Oh!

Bye!

[groans]

Come on! Step on it!

[groaning]

You and your home cooking.

This is the tenth place we've tried, and they better let us in.

- [Curly Joe] Hey, this place is too noisy. - What?

I say, there's too much noise. I won't be able to concentrate.

Only got one day to learn my line.

A line ain't so tough.

"Momentous occasion." Say it!

"Monanimous" occasion.

Magnanimous occasion.

- Okay! - Hey, fellas! Get a load of this!

- What? - Here.

"Lonely, retired gentleman desires roomers. Home cooking.

First month free."

- First month free? - Yeah.

And home cooking!

Hey, where is this idyllic habitation?

- Oh, those words you can say? - Yeah.

Wait a minute. It's a place called Creepy Manor.

It's in Lompoc.

- Oh, Lompoc? - Yeah.

[chuckles] That's 100 miles away! Come on!

Ow!

- Which one of you guys does the cooking? - [Curly Joe] I do.

[scoffs]

Now what?

Now we're commuting to Creepy Manor.

- In Lompoc. [grunts] - Come on.

[dog howling]

[bird hooting]

[doorbell ringing]

Answer the door, Nick.

Looks like a country club for zombies.

Then you ought to feel right at home.

We came in answer to the ad. Huh?

Say, did you ever make it to Disneyland?

Welcome to Creepy Manor, gentlemen.

I'm Professor Dolottle. Won't you come in?

Believe it or not, you're just in time

to see the final sketch of my all-purpose missile carrier.

Come on! I'll show you.

Come on. It's all mine. [chuckles]

Here. Here are the plans.

Now, this button operates it underwater.

This one sends it underground.

This one propels it in the air, and this one puts it in orbit.

The model.

This guy's in orbit himself.

Well, it was nice meeting you, professor.

- Yeah, we gotta be on our way. - See you around there.

Oh, no. Gentlemen, wait.

My days are so lonely and monotonous.

That's momentous.

[chuckles] I said it! I said it!

Ow! [groans]

It'd be so nice to have earthlings around the house.

Did you say, "earthlings"?

That's right.

You see, I'm often bothered by a spy from outer space

who wants to steal my plans.

He's a weird-looking character with deep-set eyes, a green face,

and protruding teeth.

And instead of hands, he has claws.

Oh, the regular monster type.

- Oh! - Of course!

- We'll stay. - Good, good.

Nick will show you to your tombs.

I mean, room!

[babbles] Good.

[Curly Joe] Moe?

About that professor--

Don't pay any attention

to what the old guy said about the spy from outer space.

He's been bending over those diagrams too long.

Well, just the same. I'm taking no chances.

Where did you get that?

- Off the wall. - Chicken.

If anything happens, I'll be across the hall.

Now get some shut-eye.

We gotta be in shape for our show tomorrow.

Good night.

[Curly Joe] Good night.

[sighs] On this "monanimous"" occasion--

That's not right.

"Moninimous" occasion.

Uh, "motinimous."

Dream about it.

Turn out the lights. I'm bushed.

[whimpering]

Moe, they're here! They're here!

What are you yelling about?

- [stammers] They're here. - They're here? Who's here?

Uh, from outer space--

- You're off your rocker! - No! Listen to me, Moe!

I'm telling you the truth.

[snoring]

[fireplace creaking]

[snoring continues]

Oh, Mabel. You're here at last.

You swept me off my feet.

I'm being carried away.

I'm safe. Safe in your arms, darling.

Safe.

I tell you.

The spaceman, I saw him. A guy could get murdered.

It'll be you if you don't let me get some sleep.

Moe, please. Come on. I'll show you what happened. Come on.

Uh, right in here.

I know what happened. Right over here.

I'll show you. Right there.

The claw came through there.

It looked just like a can opener.

Then it pulled the chain like that,

and then it went back in the wall, and this covered the hole.

Hole? The hole is in your head.

Why can't you be like Larry, sleeping like a baby?

Move over, Larry, and let Joe in.

- Move over, I said! - [grunts]

[grunts]

Now, any more trouble outta you and I'll give you something to yap about.

- Go on. - [groans]

[Curly Joe grunting]

[door closes]

[Curly Joe sighs]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[Curly Joe groans]

[screams]

[whimpers]

[screams]

Look!

Gotcha!

[chuckles]

Hey, I got him, Moe! A tourist from Mars.

Yeah, sure, with a card from the Diner's Club. [babbles]

[Curly Joe babbles]

- Hey! - Lift him up. I'll look for a rope.

Hmm. [grunts]

Hey, Moe! Moe!

It's the butler!

It's always the butler.

- [fireplace creaking] - Hey, here comes another one.

[creaking continues]

- [groans] - Hey, wait! Hey, it's Larry.

You're all right. It was only a blow on the head.

[door opens]

Gentlemen, what's going on up here?

[gasps] That's him!

That's the fella that tried to steal my plans.

No, he's innocent.

It was your butler.

[Professor Dolottle gasps] No.

Yeah.

Ah, then you shall be the one to take my space carrier into orbit.

- [groans] Oh, no. Oh, no. - Huh? Yes. I was--

[all laughing]

[cackling]

Get out of here.

We've got a long way to run, fellas.

Hey, what are we running for? We got a car.

We had a car. I left the keys upstairs in my pants.

[cackling continues]

[engine sputtering]

[Moe] Come on, fellas.

We got less than an hour to make our TV show.

Let's go!

Hey! Wait for me!

Hey, wait for me.

[groaning, panting]

[helicopter whirring]

[engine starts]

[helicopter whirring]

[narrator] Ladies and gentlemen, the Three Stooges Scrapbook.

Oh, they'll never make it now. Doubles, get ready.

- This is-- - Hurry, boys.

Reshot.

♪ Moe is round Joe makes all of those crazy sounds ♪

♪ What a scream ♪

♪ You can be like those three If you don't use common sense ♪

♪ Yes, sirree, they're the... I

[director speaking indistinctly] ...stage.

♪ They have fun, we have fun ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪

- [song ends] - [audience clapping]

Take off your heads and relax.

Boy, are those guys ugly.

[director] You're on.

[audience clapping]

Hello, everybody. It gives me great pleasure on this mom--

Not yet, onion head.

Onion head?

Boy, did we have a terrible time last night.

All on account of Home Cooking Charlie here,

we got caught in an oddball house.

Yeah, and there was a big, scary monster.

- With three heads. - And four arms.

- Eight hands. - Yeah.

They weren't hands. They were lobster claws.

It bit me four times,

and I'm not in season.

That's nothing. What happened to me shouldn't--

Quiet. This is getting monotonous.

- Do you hear me? Monotonous. - Yeah.

Hello, everybody. It gives me great pleasure on this monotonous--

- Now I'll never say it. - Then go get the scrapbook.

And you help him.

I can't. I got a headache.

Aw, do you want me to drive the headache out of your head?

- Please do. - Sure.

[grunts] It's better.

Well, boys. What did we do last?

- "Pagininny." - "Pagini"--

"Pagininny"?

That's page nine.

[chuckles] This week we're doing "tenininny."

"Tenininny"?

How many fingers on this hand?

"Five-ininny."

Stop.

Folks, we wanna tell you about some trouble we had on the briny deep.

It happened many years ago.

We were sitting on the docks at Lisbon.

Things were very, very tough.

In fact, Queen Isabella had to ship some surplus wheat.

Thanks.

I tell you, fellas, this depression of 1492 is gonna go down in history.

Where are we gonna find a job?

What's more important, how are we gonna eat?

[squawks]

[parrot whispering]

- What? - [whispering]

- Oh, when's it sail? - [whispering]

Hmm. Hey, Feathers here says a guy needs some sailors.

Pays over union scale,

along with 1,000 green stamps.

- That's for us. Let's go. - Yeah.

[narrator] If you think you're living in a square world,

you should've seen itin 1492.

Round. Round. It's gotta be round.

It's, um-- I'm sure it's round.

I knew it. I knew it!

Manuel, the world is round.

[squawks]

Si, Chris, the world... [yawns] ... is round.

- Caramba, the boss! - [whistle blows]

Now hear this.

All hands muster on the quarter deck. [squawks]

[speaking Spanish]

[squawks, continues speaking Spanish]

[in English] Batten down the button hatches!

Hurry! Hurry! [speaking Spanish]

[screams, hoots]

That's a crew?

Things are tough all over, Chris.

That's why I want to discover a new world.

[Chris clears throat]

Men, we are about to embark on this journey

to prove this world is round.

- Round? - Round?

Round?

[Chris speaking indistinctly]

[Manuel chattering]

And in conclusion, welcome aboard.

[grunts] We are happy...

[grunts] To be...

[squeeze horn honks] Aboard, sir.

Prepare to cast off!

Cast off!

Cast off!

Cast off!

Cast off!

Cast off a shoe, that's right.

Wait a minute, Christopher.

You're the captain. Let go of the rope.

You heard the pelican. Let go!

[Manuel screeches] No!

[squawks] No!

[squawks] No!

[squawks] Cut the rope!

Cut the rope! Cut the rope!

[squawks] No! Stop!

Caramba, wrong rope.

[chuckles]

Now this is my show. [laughs]

[squawks] Hurry, hurry! [speaks Spanish]

[squawks]

Grumpy old vulture.

[Chris shores, muttering]

203... [shores] ...204... [shores]

...205... [shores]

It's round.

- [squawks] It's okay. - [Chris snores]

Si, it's round, okay?

[Chris] Okay.

Hey, Larry.

Come here and give me a hand.

[Moe exclaims]

Hey, Larry, who broke the boat?

I think it was Moe.

Hey, Moe, did you wanna see me?

Yeah.

[Moe] What do you see?

As far as we can see.

All we can see is sea.

Well, look faster.

Stop playing around!

Think of poor Chris.

If we don't find land,

how can he become famous and go down in history?

Become famous in history?

Si, why not I, Manuel, discover the new world?

If I can get those three birdbrains to mutiny... [laughs]

...then I will be famous.

Hello, boys.

How would you fellows like to play mutiny?

Mutiny?

- Mutiny? - What's that?

I'm glad you asked that.

Let me tell you.

[whispering]

[squawks, whistles] What fun!

Now I, Manuel, will be famous. [laughs]

These guys are gonna be a terrific help.

- [whip cracks] - [speaks Spanish]

Wait a minute.

You guys having fun?

No, I'm not having fun.

This isn't fun.

We've decided mutiny is for the birds.

Therefore, we mutiny the mutiny, chicken.

Chicken? [squawks]

That's too much.

[whistling]

[Manuel] Christopher, help! [screams]

[squawks, laughs]

Those guys kill me.

Moe, can I help?

Yeah.

Okay. You guys asked for it.

[screams]

[Manuel grunts]

Where'd that buzzard go?

[Larry] There he is!

Curly caught him.

This will get rid of the pest.

Adios, chicken!

[Manuel squawks]

Is round?

[grunts] Is round.

Oh, no.

- No. - Not again.

[squawks]

Okay, assistant chief.

We birds of a feather gotta stick together. [squawks]

Now here's my plan.

First, we will subdivide. Then we will get the middle.

[all] It's square.

[all scream]

[Manuel squawks] It's round.

You know, folks, it's a good thing for all of us

that we didn't sail with Columbus on the Santa Maria in 1492.

It's hard to believe that folks in those days really thought the world was square.

You mean it ain't?

- Everyone knows it's round. - [Manuel squawks] It's not so round.

- [laughs] - [audience claps]

[Moe] You missed me! [laughs]

♪ Larry, Moe, Curly Joe I

♪ They're the funniest guys I know ♪

♪ Golly, gee, that's for me ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪

♪ Larry clowns ♪

♪ Moe, he frowns ♪

♪ Joe makes all of those crazy sounds ♪

♪ What a scream ♪

♪ What a team ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪

♪ You can be like those three ♪

♪ If you don't use common sense ♪

♪ Yes indeed, all you need I

♪ Is a high intelligence ♪

♪ Yes, sirree They're the three musketeers of comedy ♪

♪ They have fun, we have fun ♪

♪ I wanna be a stooge ♪