Original subtitles

I Here's a story

I Of a lovely lady

I Who was bringing up three very lovely girls

I All of them had hair of gold

I Like their mother

I The youngest one in curls

I Here's a story

I Of a man named Brady

I Who was busy with three boys of his own

I They were four men living all together

I Yet they were all alone

I Tilithe one day when the lady met this fellow

I And they knew that it was much more than a hunch

I That this group must somehow form a family

I That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch

I The Brady Bunch

I The Brady Bunch

I That's the way we became the Brady Bunch 2

Coming.

- Mike, I'm sorry. - Do you mind if I come in?

- | don't know what's wrong with me. - Well, you're still in a funk.

You haven't said five words since we left Cindy off at college.

I did too! I said six words.

"Cindy's not our little baby anymore.”

Oh, Mike, it's just so hard to accept. Cindy, in college?

I know, honey, but you've got to face that.

Cindy is 18 years old. She's all grown-up.

All six of the kids are.

Yeah. No more lunches to make. No car pools. No music lessons.

No ballet classes. Oh, no Little League. No Cub Scouts. No Brownies.

No Girl Scouts. No Boy Scouts. I'm an unemployed mother!

Well,you've got to look on the bright side.

Now we've got some time to ourselves.

What about that cruise we've always been threatening to take?

Let's take it. We can start enjoying a brand-new life.

- You're right. - Sure I am.

We can go away weekends whenever we like.

No more, "Mom, can you help me with my algebra?"

Or "Can I get a lift to the bowling alley?"

Oh, Mike, it'll be wonderful!

- Our lives will be ours. - It'll be great!

- Terrific! - Oh, Mike...

What?

Oh, honey!

Hi, Philip.

Hi, Jan.

I've, um...

Listen, I'd better get my jacket or we'll never get to the concert.

Oh, uh...

- Is it cold out? - No.

OK.

All set.

- What's so funny? - You look like you're proposing.

Funny you should mention that.

You mean you really are proposing?

You're really... proposing?

You're... To me?

You're the only girl in the room.

Well?

Can I think about it?

Oh, sure. How long do you need?

About three seconds. One, two, three.

Yes, yes, yes!

- Oh, you want me to get it? - No, I'll get it. Oh...

Oh, come on. You're not that old.

Oh, it's Jan and Philip.

- Come on in, kids. - Hi, Dad.

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry to drop over without calling.

Don't be silly. We weren't doing anything important.

You don't consider reruns of Gilligan's Island important?

Mike! What's up?

Go ahead.

Mr. Brady...

Oh, Philip, we've known each other, what, two years?

How many times have I asked you to call me Mike?

Well, I'm a little old-fashioned, Mr. Brady.

I still call teachers Mister and Miss,

and I've been a teacher myself for three years.

Are you uncomfortable calling me Mike?

Well...yes, I am.

But... how about "Dad"?

Dad?

I think I better sit down.

In accordance with tradition,

I'm supposed to ask the father for his daughter's hand.

- And you're asking? - Yes, sir, I'm asking.

Well, I...

Dad, it's not like Philip's the eighth guy I've brought in here this week!

-Jan... - Honey...

Could we talk about this for just a minute?

Sure. I think I'll find another room.

Thank you, Philip.

Philip, there's coffee in the kitchen.

Oh.

I don't understand this. I thought you'd be thrilled.

I thought you liked Philip.

We do. We love Philip. You know that.

Well, then, what's the problem? I'm on my own.

Philip and I have known each other for a long time.

You like him. I love him.

Honey, it isn't that. It's just that...

VWWell... Marcia...

Marcia? What's Marcia got to do with me, with my wedding?

- Nothing, but... - Jan, sweetheart,

this is all happening so fast. You have to understand.

You want me to get married after Marcia, just because she's the oldest?

I can't believe it!

Well, now, we didn't say that, Jan.

That's always how it was with me and Marcia!

Doesn't anything ever change?

Well,all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this

or how wonderful Marcia did that.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

Now, sweetheart...

All those awards staring me in the face was just too much.

I'm tired of being in Marcia's shadow all the time.

Jan, you're not in anybody's shadow.

Marcia's three years older than you.

I love Philip. And I want to marry him.

Marcia's my sister, and I love her too, but...

...it's not my fault if she didn't get married first.

Honey, that isn't what we meant to say. You caught us off guard.

- Sure you have our permission. - And our blessings.

- Yes, and our blessings. - Thank you.

Congratulations, sweetheart.

Can we talk about the wedding arrangements later?

- Sure. - Sure.

Come on out, Philip. It's all over.

All over? Oh, no!

I meant the discussion.

Oh!

You wanted her hand, you got it.

After the wedding, you get everything else.

Oh, Dad!

Well, the allergies, the overdrafts and the flat tires.

Congratulations, Philip.

Thanks, Mrs. Brady.

Mom. Thanks, Mr. Dad.

Dad.

Come on. Let's tell my folks.

Great. I hope they'll be even happier.

I don't think we handled that too well.

Oh, honey, kids in love always have trouble with their parents.

- Well... - Remember that rainy night?

Must have been three o'clock in the morning. We were in the car.

Dad came out with a flashlight and caught us in the back seat.

Do you remember?

No. That wasn't me.

Oh!

Mind if I sit down?

Parlez-vous English?

I'm sorry. Were you speaking to me?

Well, if you're sorry, I'll just take my tray to another table.

No. That's not what I meant. Sit down.

Only for lunch. When I'm finished, that's it. I'm gone.

Would you pass me the salt, please?

Thanks.

How about the pepper?

Thanks.

Sugar?

How about a napkin?

Another napkin?

How about your silverware, your credit cards and your shoes?

Got your attention, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

If I can venture an opinion, your body may be sitting here,

but your mind is sitting in an entirely different restaurant.

- Do you have a problem? - No.

Sometimes you can solve a problem by confiding in a perfect stranger.

Now, I may not be perfect, but I am a stranger.

It's not really a problem. It's more of a family situation.

Oh. Well, Cain and Abel started as a family situation.

- It's kind of personal. - Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to intrude.

You see, my younger sister, Jan, came home to tell my folks

that she wants to marry Philip. Philip's a great guy.

He's an assistant science professor at a junior college. Jan loves him.

I love him. So do Greg, Peter, Bobby and Cindy.

Everybody loves Philip. But that's not the problem at all.

Jan believes that Mom and Dad think that since she's younger than me

that I should get married first. Which really has no bearing on anything.

Mom and Dad tried to convince her and said OK to Jan's marriage.

But that still hasn't made it any easier.

That's why it's a problem and I'm in the middle.

Even though I'm the oldest. Except for Greg.

Understand?

This much.

What you're telling me is that your parents feel the oldest daughter

should get married first. And you're the oldest.

Right.

It's a little old-fashioned, but there's a simple solution.

You get married first, then there's no problem with your sister, Jan.

No. But there's a problem with me.

Jan's going to be married in a couple of months

and I'm not even going with anybody.

So who am I going to marry?

How about me?

What?

Well, it's the least I could do to prevent a problem in your family.

Be happy I sat here.

You could be marrying one of those two guys over there.

I'm sorry. I make it a policy not to marry on the first date.

Wewon't get married now.

You see, you just accept the proposal now.

We'llget married in a few weeks, before Jan.

I don't even know your name.

Interested, huh?

That's progress.

- Wally Logan. - Marcia Brady.

For now.

You don't know anything about me.

Well,what do I have to know? You're beautiful.

And you're bright, concerned about your family.

Sensitive to your sister's feelings.

You're easy to talk to.

You've got a good sense of humor,

and you hardly eat anything at all.

You know what I think?

I think I've been looking for you all my life.

- You know what I think? - What?

I think there's two guys in white coats looking for you.

Bye-bye.

"There are... 11 Marcia Bradys in the phone book.

And I had to send flowers to all of them.

The least you could do is meet me for lunch tomorrow.

Wally."

Wally.

Afraid I wouldn't show, huh?

No. I was afraid you would.

Oh, did you get my flowers?

Yes. Did you really send them to all those Marcia Bradys?

No. I asked the cashier here if she knew where you worked.

I got your address from your company. It got you here, didn't it?

Only to thank you for the flowers.

I didn't want to embarrass you by having you wait around all day.

I would have, too.

Your card said that you worked for the Tyler Toy Company.

Are you a toy salesman?

No. I'm a real salesman.

I just sell toys.

I'll bet you played with plenty of Tyler toys.

How about... Snoozy Suzy?

Snoozy Suzy! That was my favorite doll.

You pull the cord and it sang a chorus of lullabies

and it put itself to sleep.

First one eye closed, and then the other eye closed...

and then it snored.

Snoozy Suzy does not snore.

Mine did. It went...

It's not supposed to. Malfunction. I'll get you a new one.

Let's not talk shop. Let's talk marriage.

Now, I told my folks about you. Have you told your folks about me?

- No. - Well, tell 'em.

They wouldn't believe me.

Well, tell them, and meet me back here at the end of the day.

I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

I'm working late on some designs for a fashion show, Wally.

Lorraine, try on the other one.

Is Marcia Brady here?

I'm sorry, these are private rooms back here!

Reginald Finsterwald, State Clothing Commission.

Now... Marcia Brady?

- Uh... Marcia's over there. - Thank you.

Sorry.

Marcia?

Wally, what are you...?

Reginald Finsterwald, State Clothing Commission.

I'm here to inspect hemline standards.

I have work to do.

We all got our jobs to do, lady.

What can I do to make you go away?

- Go out with me Saturday night. - That's blackmail.

It's either that or I close this place down.

OK, you win, Mr. Finsterwald.

I'm glad I took that job at the real estate office.

It's helped me forget that Jan hasn't called for a while.

She hasn't called for a week.

Eight days, eleven hours and four minutes.

Well, all we did was mention Marcia...

- And Jan jumped to conclusions. - Can't say I blame her.

Jan comes over here with the biggest news of her life, and we blew it.

Hmm, you're right. We should have lit fireworks,

- and we fizzled. - Yeah.

- You know what, honey? - What?

I think we should phone her and tell her that.

OK.

Oh, here.

It's Jan.

- Dad, I'm sorry. - What...?

I didn't even give you and Mom a chance to say anything.

Oh, Mom, I know you both want what's good for me

and I behaved like a jerk.

- Make that two jerks. - Make that unanimous.

Honey, we couldn't be happier for you and Philip. We love you both.

Yeah, but sweetheart, we were behaving like parents.

I love you. Can I call Philip and have him come over?

We have a few things we want to discuss with you.

Invitations, guest lists, caterers.

Call him, call him. The sooner the better.

Philip is fast.

- Marcia! - Hi.

- Dad, this is Wally Logan. - Hello, Wally.

Hello, Mr. Brady. Nice to meet you.

- Wally, this is my mother. - Hello, Mrs. Brady.

- Hi. - Sorry to have dropped in without calling.

The last time I heard anybody say that,

Jan told us she was getting married.

Oh... I think I better sit down.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady, you don't know me too well...

We've never seen you before in our lives.

- You trust Marcia, don't you? - Yes.

And you've taught her to be careful about making important decisions.

Yes.

How long have you two known each other?

Seven days.

- Seven wonderful days. - Right.

It's quality, not quantity.

Wait a second. If you have a second.

Are you telling me that you met

and decided to get married in seven days, wonderful or not?

Mom, you told me you knew you were in love with Dad in less than a week.

But that was different. I was older. I already had children.

Surely you don't want us to have children first?

Just a little touch of humor.

I really love him.

I didn't think I would, but I do.

- So will you once you get to know him. - We would like to get to know him.

We sure would.

What about the future? Have you had any time to think about that?

We both work.

Wally has a great job as a representative for Tyler Toys.

Mom, do you remember my Snoozy Suzy doll? The one that sang itself to sleep?

First one eye would close, then the other eye would close and it...

Not now, honey.

Wally... what do your parents think?

They think we're just as crazy as you do.

At least he comes from a good home.

We know that this is all very sudden, but Marcia and I are adults.

Welove each other and we want to get married.

But we won't do it unless we have your consent.

I think I better sit down.

You are sitting down.

- Well? - Well?

Well?

Well...

Well?

Congratulations.

Now, that's progress.

Philip was grading papers. He wanted to finish and come over tomorrow.

Hi, Marcia. Have I got news. Who's your friend?

He's more than a friend, Jan.

Apparently.

Marcia, you and Jan... Well, start from the beginning.

- The wedding is on! - I know!

- Mine! - What?

Jan, Wally Logan. I'm marrying your sister.

Oh, Marcia, that's wonderful!

Both of us getting married at the same time!

- The same day. - Yeah!

Wait a second. Nobody said anything about same time or same day!

Nobody said no.

Well,don't look at me!

Good morning, Mary.

Hi, Betty. Lee.

Mr. Richards, congratulate me!

Congratulations! You just sold your first house.

Better than that.

Oh... two houses?

No. Two daughters.

You sold your two daughters?

Paging Dr. Brady. Dr. Greg Brady.

Oh, Dr. Brady, there's a phone call for you.

Thanks, Marie.

This is Dr. Brady.

Hello, Greg.

Mom? Anything wrong?

Oh, no, nothing's wrong.

I just have such wonderful news, I had to call.

Gee. You're lucky you caught me. I'm just about to make rounds.

How would you like to come to a double wedding?

Great. As long as it's not mine.

Marcia and Jan are both getting married, at the same time!

Fantastic!

I know how busy you are, Greg.

But it wouldn't be the same if their big brother wasn't there.

I'll manage somehow, Mom. The first wedding of the Bradys.

I remember Marcia's first date.

I want to know all about it, who the guys are, when it's going to be.

Marcia's fiancé is Wally Logan.

She just met him and they decided to get married, after only seven days.

You know Philip.

He and Jan have been thinking about it for some time.

Dr. Brady, they need you in X-ray right away.

Well, they decided to get together and have the double wedding.

Fantastico!

Congratulations! Felicidade! Buena suerte!

Thank you.

Mom, this is embarrassing!

I mean, I enlist in the Air Force for a while

so I can decide what to do with the rest of my life,

a seemingly mature decision.

Then over the PA, all the guys hear,

"Airman Brady, your mommy's calling!"

Mom, give me a break.

I'm sorry, Peter, but this is important.

Important?

Marcia and Jan are getting married in a double ceremony,

to two great guys.

No, no, go on... Really?

So Philip finally popped the question, huh?

But Marcia doesn't even have a boyfriend. Who's she marrying?

His name is Wally Logan. It was a whirlwind romance.

We hardly know him ourselves.

Mom, that is terrific.

My sisters are getting married, sir.

Peter...

OK, Mom, I'm back. So when's the wedding?

We don't know exactly. There are so many friends and relatives to consider.

When you work it out, give me a call so I can arrange for leave, all right?

Roger.

Hello.

Hey, cool it, guys, will ya?

Yeah?

Marcia and Jan? Both of 'em?

Right, Bobby. And naturally, we want you at the wedding.

- Whenis it? - Soon. We don't know exactly.

It doesn't matter. I'll be there.

Unless I drop out of college, sign a big league contract

and make it to the World Series all in the next month.

Oh, Bobby! Goodbye.

Marcia and Jan getting married on the same day?

Oh, Mom, a double wedding! That's fabulous.

How does that make you feel, Cindy?

Like an old maid.

Well,you just stay single for a while.

Well, there is this guy...

- Cindy... - Just kidding, Mom, just kidding.

What's Wally like?

Well, he's just as nice a guy as Philip,

but they're as different as can be.

- What does he look like? - Oh, he's cute and adorable.

You'll be able to recognize him. He'll be the one marrying Marcia.

Wally, we have to get organized.

We've got to get invitations. Weneed a list of all of the guests.

Couldn't we just have an open wedding? Put up signs on telephone poles?

You haven't lost a puppy. You found a wife.

Sure have.

And besides, I've already told my apartment manager I'm moving out.

Oh, then you mean you're really going to go through with this, huh?

You can't back out now, buster.

I wouldn't want to.

Believe me, I've never seen her before in my life.

Uh, we really...

Here we go.

Here's your copy of the people I think we should invite.

As you can see, it's all alphabetized.

Uh-huh. What do those carrots by the names mean?

Vegetarians.

You think of everything! You're so practical.

Please don't call me practical.

Dull people are practical. I'm not dull,

therefore I'm not practical.

I simply try to examine everything from all sides.

What about me? Did you try to examine me from all sides?

Naturally. It was the only practical thing to do.

Now...

Here's your copy of the list of songs for the reception.

- As you see, it's alphabetized too. - Uh-huh.

And these letters, F and S?

Fast and slow?

Exactly.

Is there anything you haven't thought of?

Yes.

I haven't thought of any way that we can afford

a big, beautiful apartment after we're married.

Oh, honey, it doesn't matter.

I mean, I can move into your place, or you can move into my place.

- Well, that's 820 or 775. - Dollars?

No. Square feet. My apartment is 45 square feet larger,

so I suggest we move into my place after the wedding.

Agreed.

And now, about the wedding night,

if you pull out a list of alphabetized activities,

I'm gonna give you such a hit.

That's... I did have a few things written down.

- What? - No, no...

Well, what do you think?

I loved the invitation I got to Barbara's wedding.

It had a Picasso abstract design.

That sounds terrific to me.

An invitation that's contemporary and current...

With Old English lettering. Now, that's really a traditional invitation.

Maybe with a quote from Shakespeare or George Bernard...

Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen. That would be perfect music for the wedding.

And maybe we can have an electric guitar.

That'll be perfect with...

A cello, violin and flute.

I love that kind of music too. That sound goes so well with...

Guacamole and chips.

Right. That sets the mood for Mexican food. Like...

Beef Wellington and spinach soufflé. That's very traditional too.

Like my beautiful long veil.

And I love the idea of lace cuffs...

Maybe on a sleeveless dress.

That should look terrific with me in my Greek shirt and sandals...

Top hat and tails.

Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to me.

Avril Van Owen. Oh, yeah, that's the friend of Philip and Jan's.

Well, I'll just put them at their table.

OK.

David Gilbert?

Who's David Gilbert?

It's gotta be a friend of Wally's.

Julie Sullivan?

Coming!

Julie Sullivan?

David Gilbert...

Gilbert and Sullivan.

Gilbert and Sullivan.

I A wandering minstrel, I A thing of rags and patches...

Coming!

Alice!

Mrs. Brady!

Oh, I'm so happy you could make it here for the weddings.

Oh, Mrs. Brady, I have never been so happy in my life!

Alice, stop crying! You're getting the skirt all wet.

But this is the room where you were a little girl,

where you used to play and leave your toys scattered all over

and wrote on the wall in crayon and never picked anything up.

Whatever happened to that sweet little girl?

Alice, everybody grows up.

I know, but you and Jan getting ma... ma... married?

- Hello, girls. - Hi, Mom.

Oh, that's going to be nice.

Marcia, you even look pretty in a pattern.

Oh, here's where I left these.

- Did you sell any houses today, Mom? - Not exactly,

but there is an offer in on the Hastings Avenue house.

I think it's so great, Mrs. Brady, you working in real estate.

Is it hard to sell a house?

I don't know. I haven't sold one yet!

But you're getting closer.

Well, as long as you two are working on the dress,

I think I'll go over and meet with the caterers and discuss the arrangements.

Great. Besides, I can get a few pointers from Alice.

She's practically a new bride herself.

New bride? Are you kidding?

Sam and I have been married almost four years.

I still remember our wedding night.

Sam bowled a 226.

And now I'm getting married.

Married!

- Well,I think I'll be going. - Have a nice day.

Bye.

- Alice... -Hm?

- Do me a favor. - Hmm?

Try not to drown Marcia.

Oh, that's going to be so beautiful. Silk, right?

Silk crepe de chine, with a little silk hat and a short veil. Really modern.

- It's the newest fashion. - Sounds beautiful.

Well, designing is my job. I've also designed one for Jan.

Hi, Marcia.

Alice?

Jan!

Oh! I thought you'd be happy to see me.

I've never been so happy in my whole life.

If she were any happier, we'd need a rowboat.

Isn't the dress beautiful?

Yes, it's beautiful.

Well,I'm glad you like it, because I've got something for you.

Look out for the pins.

- Uh... It's lovely. - I knew you'd like it.

Well...it's not exactly what I had in mind.

I was thinking of something a little more traditional, you know,

with a lot of lace and a long train.

Well, this one is more in keeping with the modern flavor.

Who says the wedding has a modern flavor?

Jan, Marcia, this is none of my business,

but haven't you already talked all this out?

Oh, well, Philip and I just assumed

we'd have a traditional, dignified kind of wedding.

Wally and I see it a whole different way.

We'd like something with flair and style.

I refuse to look ridiculous at my own wedding.

Great. Now you're seeing it my way.

Marcia! Jan.

Well, that's what you say, but it is my wedding.

Girls, please!

Your wedding? It's my wedding too!

- Now... - Listen, Marcia, Philipand I...

- OK, Alice, who's right? - Yeah, who?

Your parents. They'll have the perfect solution.

I hope.

Here they are.

I'm so glad you and Philip are getting a chance to meet.

Right on time. Come on in. Let's get the introductions over with,

we can sit down to Carol's chateaubriand.

Wally Logan, Philip Covington.

Nice to meet you. May I call you Wallace?

Wally's fine. OK, Philly?

Well, Philip is preferred.

Phil is possible, but Philly, no, never.

Whatever.

We've asked you here for a couple of reasons.

First of all, you haven't met.

And second, we understand

you seem to be having a difference of opinion about the wedding.

Dad, we know you're trying to help. But we're not kids anymore.

We have to work things out for ourselves.

However, your father's right. It's best to present all the facts.

It's kind of like the announcement of the trumpeter swan to rival males.

Yes.

I... never thought of it quite that way.

Is he serious?

Always.

Well... ...here we are.

Mike, I'm glad that you got us together.

Maybe you can help us make them understand what we mean.

We understand what you mean.

We feel that our way makes sense.

In a way, it does make

- a certain amount of sense. - Good.

If you want a wedding that is reviewed in Rolling Stone.

What Philip means is...

You don't have to interpret what Philip means.

This particular swan has blown his own trumpet.

Hold it. Let's not start an argument here.

We're...all adults, remember?

Right. Now, let's all sit down and talk it out. Come on.

Remember, now, what's important is the weddings.

Now, we want you two couples to like each other and get along.

As for me, I can get along with everybody.

Good. Then let's discuss how the wedding should be.

All right. Now you're being practical, Phil.

Two things. First, Philip. My name is Philip.

And secondly, I wasn't suggesting a discussion

because it's practical. It's rational.

There's a big difference between rational and practical.

Well, how do you two want the wedding?

Traditional, memorable. A wedding is a serious step.

It's not something to be considered lightly.

Are you saying that we haven't thought about it enough?

Well, Philip and I have been thinking about it for three months.

You two haven't even known each other for three months.

Jan, that's not quite fair.

What difference does it make how long we've known each other?

Marcia, Wally, how do you two see the wedding?

We think it should be memorable too.

But we want it upbeat and bright and fun!

I vote for fun.

See? Philly's practical.

Phil is practical. Philip's practical!

Philip's rational. He's rational.

- Precisely. - And precise.

But our kind of fun may be different from your kind of fun.

I can believe that.

Let's all sit back down. How'd this get started anyway?

Well,they want chamber music, violins and cellos.

We never said chamber music! They want rock and roll.

We never said rock and roll! They said top hats and tails.

We did not! But we don't want open shirts and sandals.

That's right. And we want traditional vows.

Well, we want to write our own.

- Hold it. Hold it. - Can't we compromise?

Maybe this is too much of a change. What about separate weddings?

You can do anything you want.

Now, that's rational.

No, that's practical!

Just call me sometime and let me know how it all worked out.

Wally, wait!

Wally...

Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I'm sorry. Goodnight, Jan.

It was nice meeting you, Philly.

Mike...

Maybe a double wedding isn't such a good idea after all.

You know, I hate to say this, but maybe Wally was right.

You mean you don't want to be part of a double wedding?

I don't even know if I want to be part of a single wedding.

Philip, wait!

Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.

What do you think?

Well...1 usually cry at weddings.

But I think I better start right now, cause I might not get the chance.

More coffee?

Alice, please sit down. You don't work here anymore.

I know. But once I set foot in this kitchen, habit takes over.

Besides, worrying about the coffee gives me something to worry about

so I don't have to worry about what I'm really worried about.

Wally's impulsive. He couldn't mean what he said last night.

Well, that's good to hear.

On the other hand, Philip isn't impulsive.

He could mean what he said.

That's not so good to hear.

They're gonna come to their senses, aren't they?

- Sure. - Do you really believe that?

No.

I was positive Marcia or Jan would call me this morning and say,

"April Fool, Mom!"

Would anybody like a cup of coffee?

Thanks.

I was sure I'd get a call.

Oh, I must be out of practice.

I'll bet it's Marcia. She never could carry a grudge.

Maybe it's Jan.

She was always the first to admit she was wrong.

You're right. It's probably Jan. She never could stay angry.

Maybe you were right the first time. Marcia is more flexible.

Remember the time she...

Alice, if we don't answer that phone, we'll never know if it's Jan or Marcia.

- Hello, Jan... - Marcia?

- Peter! - Peter?

Peter.

Peter? Honey, we didn't expect your call.

How are you?

I'm OK, Mom. But something awful's come up.

Did Greg tell you?

Greg? No, no. I found out from my captain.

Your captain? How would your captain know?

Well, I guess the colonel told him. And the general told him.

That's how it works.

Peter, I think we might be talking about two different things.

Well,I'm talking about flight exercises. The orders just came though.

The whole squadron's got to take off in nine days.

I guess I'm gonna have to miss the wedding.

You too?

You mean there might be somebody else who can't make it?

That is a possibility.

Well,I'm sorry, Mom. But the Air Force has got dibs on me.

They've got this idea that national security

is more important than my sisters' weddings.

Well, I'll tell Jan and Marcia. I'm sure they're gonna be disappointed.

OK, Mom. Tell "em I'm sorry. Bye.

Are you sure they said meet them here?

This is Philip's favorite place.

He says the ambience is stimulating.

- He would. - Wally!

Wally... Come on!

You've gotta try to get along.

That's the purpose of this meeting. Don't be so stubborn.

Honey, I get along with everybody.

It's that Philip, he's the one who's stubborn,

or else he'd agree with me.

Please, Wally?

OK. Or, as we say in the toy business,

let's wind her up and see if it chug-a-chugs.

Oh, where are they?

That's what makes us different. We're always early.

Philip and Jan are always...

Right on time.

- Hello.

Hi, Marcia.

- Philip. - Wally.

Enjoying a fine place?

- How are you doing? - Just fine.

Good. Here.

Uh, should we order before we talk?

Why beat around the bush?

Like Philip says, trumpeter swans lay it all on the table.

Not precise. Acceptable.

We could order some wine first.

- Chug-a-chug. - OK.

- Sir... - Excuse me, pal. You got a wine list?

This is our favorite restaurant.

- No wonder. The ambience's stimulating. - Very well put.

- About last night... - we were...

Go ahead.

Last night... we got outside and Philip and I started to talk.

Whether it's your way or our way isn't as important as getting married.

That's what we were saying.

Why let a small difference of opinion stop what we all want?

Then we're agreed.

- Agreed. - Agreed.

- There's a problem. - What?

Wehaven't agreed on anything.

- Why bring up details? - We agreed to agree, didn't we?

Yeah. At least that's a good starting point.

Oh, terrific.

Here you go.

Yes.

Have you decided?

- We'llhave the Cold Duck. - The Pouilly-Fuissé 1969.

Pouilly-Fuissé... Cold Duck... Which will it be?

His.

We'llhave Cold... Duck.

Does duck go with chicken?

Like birds of a feather.

I'm glad we're all friends again.

Yes. Friends, friends, friends.

And now that we're friends, let's all be relatives.

Relatives, relatives, relatives.

In vino veritas.

Are you drunk or was that Latin?

Maybe a little of both.

In vino es veritas. In wine there's truth.

Hey, that's it! We'lllet the wine decide.

I mean the wine bottle.

- Did you ever play Spin the Bottle? - Sure.

- Sometimes. - Never.

Give me the bottle.

I'll spin the bottle.

And whoever it lands on gets to decide the style of the wedding.

- Great idea. - It sounds fair to me.

May I see the bottle, please?

You don't trust me?

Trust the man who gives the world Snoozy Suzy?

Thank you. OK, here we go.

Who'sit gonna be?

Here we go.

Come on!

Yeah!

- The bottle stopped halfway between us. - What do we do now?

Good year for wine. Bad year for spinning.

According to the bottle, the wedding should be half and half.

Half and half.

Hey!

Mom, it's Marcia.

Hit

Jan, Philip and Wally are with me.

If you're still interested in throwing a wedding,

we're still interested in having... one or two.

That's great!

Hi, Mom. It's Jan.

Hi, honey. Oh, I'm so happy.

What'sit gonna be, traditional or modern?

Uh, traditional-modern.

Or modern-traditional.

What does that mean?

We're not sure yet, but we're sure gonna find out. Bye.

Goodbye.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

Terrific! We gotta get back to work. All systems are go again.

Right.

Peter... Peter can't be here! Unless...

Mrs. Brady, are you planning to call the Pentagon?

Oh, don't be silly, Alice.

You know you can't budge the Air Force.

What are you planning to budge, then?

Not the weddings?

Alice, we can't have these weddings without all the children.

Well, can we?

- No, we can't. - All right.

We have to call all the guests and everyone involved

and switch all the plans for everything.

But first, we're gonna do something that's even more important.

What are we doing, Mrs. Brady?

We are going to put Gilbert and Sullivan back together again.

&' A wandering minstrel, I...

All set?

- And you know what you have to do. - The florist, the chairs, the organist.

The photographer, the reverend, the cake.

All right. Head 'em up and move 'em out.

This weekend?

In order to make it for next weekend,

I had to trade duty for 24 straight hours.

To get to the wedding this weekend, I guess I'll have to trade another shift.

But don't worry. I'll be there somehow.

Are you serious? Mom, that's the day of the college playoffs.

Our game's at 11 o'clock. So how can I get there?

I may have to steal home.

And I mean steal home!

But that's the day the Drama Department's putting on My Fair Lady.

Oh, no! Honey, is there anything you can do?

Well, it's a matinee, Mom, but I'll do me best,

even if 'ave to 'ide from "enry 'iggins.

By George, I think we've got it!

- I'd better check on the brides. - I think I'll check the grooms.

- What do you want me to do? - You worry about Greg, Peter and Bobby.

Fine.

Cindy, does it look OK?

Beautiful.

You know, if you weren't getting married today,

there's a couple of guys I could fix you up with.

How do I look?

Classic.

Gorgeous.

You know, you're one of the two prettiest brides

in this whole wedding.

Cindy, do we really look OK?

For the past half-hour, I've told both of you

that you look beautiful, radiant, gorgeous, fantastic.

If you keep asking, I'll start telling you the truth.

Mom's going to cry again.

Mom! Oh, Mom.

If you and Alice don't stop crying,

we're all gonna need snorkels.

Thank goodness your understudy took over for you.

Come on, girls, we've got to hurry. We haven't got much time.

Cindy, I didn't know that you gave up the play.

And you had the lead.

It's no big deal.

But if that understudy goes on and becomes a star...

...I'll never speak to either of you again.

That takes care of that.

You shaved off your mustache.

I did?

Isn't that a little spontaneous?

It's my life.

It's my lip.

I decided if I'm going to start a new life,

why not start it with a new lip?

That's how I am. When I decide to do something,

I do it!

Excuse me.

Perfect. Now for that added little touch... of color.

- Perfect. - Thank you.

You need some help with your tie?

No, I can manage. I'm used to formal attire.

It figures.

- Philly... - Philip.

Philip.

Like it or not, in a couple of hours, we are going to be brother-in-laws.

In the first place, it's not brother-in-laws,

it's brothers-in-law.

And in the second place, we're not going to be brother-in-laws.

Marcia's going to be my sister-in-law, and if you're married to her,

that does not make you my brother-in-law.

You're unofficial.

Is that anything like illegitimate?

- Hi, guys.

Oh, you did shave it off?

Well, Marcia told me she said it had to go.

Oh. You decided to shave it off.

All Marcia said was,

"Wally, about your mustache...

Either it goes, or I go."

But I decided.

Hey... you guys look pretty good.

But you should see my daughters.

Uh, uh, uh, Dad.

According to tradition,

the groom isn't supposed to see the bride until the actual wedding.

Mike, what if I marry the wrong one?

I've seen them both. You couldn't.

Well, I just stopped by to see how you guys are doing.

You nervous?

Me, nervous?

Yep.

My pulse is a bit rapid too.

Well,can I help? Anything you want to talk about?

You mean... man to man? Birds and the bees type talk?

- Well... - I didn't think

there was anything you needed to know.

I teach science. So...

Yeah. And I...

Yes, I get the point.

Is your whole family here yet, Dad?

Uh...

There's Peter now!

One down, two to go.

You know, I kinda liked the mustache.

Your tie is crooked.

Peter, it's so good to have you here.

Well,it's not just the weddings, Mom.

I wouldn't miss that civilian food for anything.

- Pete. - Hey, Dad!

I don't know whether to shake hands or salute.

Come on, I've got a better idea.

- How are you, Peter? - Oh, I'm fine. Where is everybody?

- The girls are getting ready. - Where's Greg and Bobby?

I'm sure they'll get here. They said they'd do everything possible.

If they miss the wedding because of me...

- It's not your fault. - All we can do is pray.

- At least there's a reverend here. - Come on, Peter!

- Five minutes. - Hi, Mom.

- Are you ready, Wally? - You bet.

Not too late to back out, son.

He's just kidding, Wally.

You bet.

Mother, Dad.

I want you to know I appreciate how great you've been.

It's nothing to cry about.

I've worked very hard to bring you to this day. I can cry if I want!

- Well, folks, good luck to all of us. - Thanks, Mike.

Don't worry. Your other children will get here.

If I look worried, it's only because I'm worried.

Claudia, Philip. Philip.

- Did they show up yet, Dad? - Not yet. Not yet.

I hope it's soon. Claudia has a good cry scheduled.

I'm positive they'll be here. Maybe.

Yeah, thanks a lot!

Attaboy, Bob!

Bobby, thank goodness you're here.

Sorry, Mom. The game went into extra innings.

Nice touch with the shoes, Bob.

My cleats!

I forgot to take off my cleats.

What's important is that you're here.

What's important is that we won.

At least get him out of the aisle. You might spike one of the brides.

OK.

Did you bring a good present?

Hi, Mrs. Logan. Hi.

Sit down there. You sit down there.

- Hi! You made it. - You came!

You all look great.

Thank you. So do you.

But only brides are supposed to wear white.

I was in a real hurry.

Great! Glad you could make it.

I'm sorry I'm late, Dad. I got stuck in the delivery room.

It was twins.

Congratulations. We'd better get him in there.

Come on, Greg.

- See you later. - Greg!

I left my bouquet upstairs.

Your bouquet?

Here you go.

Well, girls, it was one heck of a struggle,

but now everything is absolutely perfect.

Alice, please, be strong.

I find this ceremony one of the most unusual,

and one of the happiest, at which I've ever officiated.

Or should I say... two of the happiest.

- Phil... - Philip.

Philip and Jan.

- Wallace... - Wally.

Wally and Marcia.

You two couples are entering married life in a most joyous fashion.

But what better beginning

than a double wedding for two beautiful sisters, Marcia and Jan,

surrounded by family and friends.

I've known both of you girls throughout your lives

and I am privileged indeed to offer my blessings upon this special occasion.

Come together, please.

Jan Brady, in accordance with tradition and the law of this state,

do you take this man, Philip Covington I,

as your lawful wedded husband, to love, honor and cherish

in sickness and in health till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Philip Covington,

take this woman, Jan Brady,

as your lawful wedded wife,

to love, honor and cherish

in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

Rings, please.

You may now kiss the bride.

Uh... next?

Marcia Brady...

I love you...

...with all my heart...

...and from this day forward,

everything I do will be with you, for you and because of you.

Wally Logan...

I am proud to be your wife.

I will try to make each day a part of our life to love,

to remember and to share.

I love you.

May I now kiss the bride?

That would be a good idea.

Wally, Marcia.

Wally, Marcia...

Wally, Marcia!

Philip and Jan...

... now pronounce you husband and wife...

...and husband and wife.

I Because you come to me

I With naught save love

I And hold my hand And lift mine eyes above

I A wider world of hope and joy { see

I Because

I You come to me

- Hey! It's my brother-in-law! - Hi!

- Hey, Mom! You gonna eat that? - Yes, I'm starved!

Not using fingers.

Mmm, that's pretty good.

- Oh, it's beautiful. - Mmm.

- Mike... - Hmm?

Does that cake bring back memories?

Yes, it sure does.

There she goes!

Mike, thank goodness you saved the cake!

Oh!

Oh, Mike!

Well...

We may have started with a disaster,

but we sure haven't ended up that way.

Yeah, and next Thursday the whole squadron goes on flight exercises.

- Hey, a camping trip. - Bobby, this is the Air Force!

Sleeping in tents, hiking. Sounds like fun.

Has he always been such a bozo?

Ever since I can remember.

Come on, you guys. No more of that little brother stuff.

What| do is important.

I just made the game-winning catch today with the bases loaded.

Very important!

It was! It put our team in the playoff.

I was up against offense.

I had to jump like this...

Whoal!

I'll get it!

I can get it!

I got it!

Wally!

- Should we help? - No, leave him there.

Thanks a lot!

Oh, Wally, I'm really sorry. I...

Don't worry about it, buddy. Put it there.

Cake's ready, everyone!

This is a beautiful house.

Well, don't go getting any ideas,

because it's way beyond your means right now.

Only temporarily.

For the next 20 years.

Why not look around? I have to lock up and check the backyard and garage.

Well, take your time. We're waiting for Jan anyway.

You know... You know I love Jan,

but why is it so important for your sister to help us find an apartment?

Well,you don't understand sisters.

It's something I do for her and she does for me.

It's called meddling.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

Wow! What a pretty house.

Oh, it's great! It's terrific!

Please, I'm an architect. Let me give you the technical term...

Mmm... Fabulous!

Mom and Wally should be back soon. Do you want to look around?

Sure. Do you think we should?

- No, but let's! - OK.

The kitchen's this way, I think.

It's got every modern convenience.

Dishwasher, garbage disposal, built-in oven!

Julia Child could go wild.

It even has a wine rack.

Betty Crocker could get crocked!

- Want to check out the bedrooms? - Yeah, this way.

This is just the kind of house

Philip and | would like to own some day.

Yeah. Wally and I were saying the same thing.

And instead of paying rent for an apartment, you'd have something.

Yeah, well, Mom and I were talking about it,

and with Wally's job at Tyler Toys and mine at Casual Clothes...

But if you put that together with Philip's position at the college

and my salary, even though it's just my first year as an architect...

Jan, that is an incredible idea!

I mean, it's the only way two young couples could afford a house.

It would be perfect...

- What do you think? - The same thing you're thinking,

only I'm thinking it more.

I mean, this is the only way that we can afford it! It would be perfect!

Perfect! I love it!

- I love everything! - I do too!

Ready to go?

No. We'reready to stay.

- It would be perfect. - So much better than an apartment.

Hold it. Hold it.

Can you take it down to 33 and a third?

And then try it one at a time.

Well, Mother, remember how you were saying

that Wally and I couldn't afford a place like this yet?

Philip and I couldn't either.

But if we shared the house, we'd have four salaries coming in.

- That is, if it's legal. - Oh, it's legal.

Willowbrook sold several that way.

Well, how about making some close relatives your next customers?

Oh, that would be great.

Hold it. Hold it.

Don't I have anything to say about all this?

Well, depends on what you're gonna say.

I love it!

Why do I have to be blindfolded?

We want you to get the whole effect all at once. Step.

- Down two steps. - That's crazy.

It's childish. This whole idea is rash, irresponsible and foolhardy.

- I'm taking this thing off. - No, honey. Please, not yet.

You're right, Jan. He's stubborn.

Marcia, a lot of people say I'm stubborn, but they're all wrong.

I'm not stubborn. Permanently determined, maybe, but not stubborn.

Voila!

It's a house.

A very nice house.

It's a house that the four of us can buy together.

Think of the advantages. It's a great idea.

I hate the idea.

Give it a chance. Can't we at least start to talk about it, Phil?

- Philip. Philip. - Thanks.

Philip, I'm telling you, buying this house is a wonderful idea.

Living with one person is difficult. Two couples living together...

- that's impossible. - It's wonderful.

- It's impossible. - Wonderful!

- Impossible! - Wonderful!

- Impossible! - Philip, let's negotiate.

If Wally comes down from "wonderful” to "not bad"”,

will you come up from "impossible” to "eh"?

In all fairness, Philip, you could at least look at the rest of the house.

OK... I'm looking at the rest of the house.

- Built-in bookcases! - Lots of closet space!

Rack and pinion steering.

Nice kitchen. Good size bedroom. Wonderful bookcases.

- Isn't it great? - Yeah.

- Excellent floor plan. - Then give us one good reason

why we can't all buy this house together.

- In alphabetical order? - OK.

A for aquarium. What happens when I bring in my tropical fish aquarium?

I take care of the fish. I raise them. I baby them.

I clean the tank, and you'll be looking at them

without doing anything for them.

We won't look at them. We promise. We don't even like tropical fish.

I don't know if I could live with anyone that doesn't like tropical fish.

He was just saying that! We like tropical fish.

Welove tropical fish. But we promise we won't look at them.

What about parrots? Do you like parrots?

- Uh... We love parrots. - We're crazy about parrots.

- I hate parrots. - Oh.

But... But look, we don't even have a parrot!

You might get one. People that are crazy about parrots might get one,

and then what would I do?

Honey, don't you think we can work it out?

It's simply not rational.

For once in your life, throw ration to the wind.

For once in your life, don't be practical.

I told you before, I am rational, not practical.

I---

Where could I work on my scientific experiments?

I need peace and quiet. Where is the privacy?

That's just being practical.

As practical as you can be.

Practical. Practical. Practical.

Stop it. I can be just as impractical as anyone.

- Then buy the house. - If you had the papers

right here in front of me, I'd show you how impracticall can be.

Mom!

Philip, my son. Sign here.

Good.

And here.

Mm-hm.

And here.

Mm-hm.

- Have I been had? - Not until you sign here.

Now you've been had!

In here, guys!

Where do you want it, Marcia?

- Over by the coffee table. - I don't see no coffee table.

Do you see a coffee table, Frank?

I don't see a coffee table. Unless it's made of glass.

I tell you what, this is a good place for a coffee table.

Roger.

- Nice place, Marcia. - Thanks, Maxie.

I really appreciate you moving my things and Wally's things for the same price.

Hey, listen, it's the least we could do

for somebody who works in the next building. Right, Frank?

No. The least we can do is move the rest of the stuff in here.

Come on. Let's go.

Right in here, fellas.

Oh, no! Look at all this other stuff!

Wetried to tell you, lady. We've already moved in three loads today.

Where am I gonna put it all?

You don't put. You point. We put. Let's go.

- Look at this. - Oh, my gosh!

You go that way and I'll go that way. We're bound to find it.

I just hope it keeps ringing.

- Victory! - Great.

Almost.

Oh, no.

- Jan! - Coming.

Oh, hurry! This is our first phone call.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mrs. Logan.

It's your mother-in-law.

Marcia can't get to the phone right now.

Oh, yes, it got here all right. Oh, yes.

Well, we appreciate the furniture. VWe really do.

It, um... fits right in.

Thank you. Bye.

Well, that explains some of the furniture explosion.

Hi, honey, I'm... home?

- Hi, Wally. - Hi. Keep talking.

I'll try to zero in on your voice.

Marcia Logan to Wally Logan. Marcia Logan to Wally Logan...

- Keep talking. - Come on down!

I gotcha!

- Hi, Wally. - Hi, Jan.

Oh.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hi.

I am so sorry I didn't straighten up. I just didn't have time.

Should I ask... what's new?

With your stuff and my stuff and Marcia's stuff and Philip's stuff

and stuff from our folks and stuff from your folks

and stuff from Philip's folks, no wonder this place got so stuffed.

Hi, honey.

Jan, are you in there?

We're toward the dining room.

Maybe I'd better go round back and come in through the kitchen.

No. There are three refrigerators blocking the door.

Just follow the path Wally made.

I should have dropped breadcrumbs.

Can't we get rid of some of this clutter?

Yeah, but which is the clutter?

Anything that isn't mine.

Careful, honey.

- Oh... I made it. - Yeah.

We have got to get rid of some of this.

Not right away. I'm dead set against getting rid of anything right away.

- Why? - Well, you never know

when you're gonna need something.

Hello!

- Anybody home? - Yes. We'reall home. Who are you?

Miss Fritzenger, your neighbor.

The door's open. Can I come in?

If you can.

Where are you?

We'rethree couches, seven chairs and nine tables away.

We really shouldn't leave the door open. Somebody might take something.

Who'd notice?

Hello.

- Wow!

Hello, everybody.

Hi.

I'm Miss Fritzenger. I live right across the street.

- We're the Logans. I'm Marcia. - And Wally.

- I'm Jan Brady Covington. - Philip Covington lll.

We just moved in. That's why things are a little untidy, Mrs. Fritzenger.

That's Miss Fritzenger. And that's by choice,

since men have only one thing on their minds.

Charles and I, Charles is my brother, we own our own home together.

Now, whose home is this?

You and you or... you and you?

All of us. Isn't it terrific?

Seems a bit odd to me.

We have a very respectable neighborhood here.

You young people obviously go on furniture-buying binges.

That may very well indicate a life of excesses.

First it's too much furniture and then it's too much...

Hmm...

I'd rather not say.

Thank you for the warning.

I'll leave now. I just wanted to welcome you all to the neighborhood.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

Oh, if there's anything you want to know about your neighbors,

I can tell you, or if I can't, I can find out.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

As we were saying before Mrs. Fritzenger...

Miss Fritzenger!

Yeah. We have to decide which furniture to get rid of.

The modern stuff.

- I thought you left. - I took a wrong turn.

Should have been a right by the ottoman and a left by the nightstand.

There's the door.

It's simple. It's what furniture fits this particular house.

I think this house has an Early American feeling.

You have to admit, our things are classic.

Oh, but so are the Roman ruins,

but I wouldn't want them in our living room.

Oh, yeah, well, they'd be a lot more comfortable

than those modern chairs of yours!

For your information, Jan, those are coffee tables.

Coffee tables?

It's impossible. I warned you. I warned you. I warned you.

Thank you, Paul Revere.

Let's face it, this isn't an argument about end tables.

If we can't agree about furniture,

we'll never be able to agree about other things. Important things.

We've agreed on a lot of things.

It's no use. It'll be like this about everything. Money, politics,

who takes out the garbage, what to watch on television.

No, that's easy. We'llspend an enjoyable evening

watching The Wonderful World of Geraniums.

Well, that'll be better than The Super Bowl! of Mud-Wrestling.

What's wrong with The Super Bowl! of Mud-Wrestling?

Hey, wait a minute, you guys. Now, come on, please.

What if there's a fire? He'll run back to save his beer can collection.

I would not! I'd run back in to watch your fish boil.

- Come on, Jan. - Wait a minute.

- Where are we going? - Home.

- Home? - You are home.

We're all home.

Wally?

Wally?

Wally?

Wally!

- What? - What is that?

- Milk. - I don't mean that.

- I mean that! - What's the big deal?

It's two in the morning. Nobody's up.

- But you're naked. - I always sleep with my clothes off.

I know that better than anybody, but...

So, what's the problem?

Well, what if Jan wakes up and comes in here?

First of all, this is our house just as much as it is theirs

and we should be able to walk around any way we like.

And secondly, I'm not stopping Jan from walking around in the nude.

- Marcia? - It's Jan!

It's Jan.

Don't... you... dare!

Marcia? What are you doing up?

- I was just getting a glass of milk. - At two in the morning?

I just had this sudden craving for milk, you know? Just this sudden craving.

Marcia... you're not...?

No, of course not. We just got married, silly.

- I know, but... - No, I'm not.

- Tell her the truth. - Wally!

- Wally? - Yes, that's Wally.

- But... don't go in there. - What's going on?

- Well, he's in the kitchen... naked. - Why?

- Well, he always sleeps naked. - In the kitchen?

Uh... Well, you see, uh...

All I wanted was a glass of milk. I didn't think anybody would be up.

- Are you shocked? - No.

Lots of people drink milk.

I'm talking about the way he's dressed. I mean, not dressed... undressed.

I know what you mean. A lot of people sleep in the nude.

Not Philip, of course.

Would you ladies stop with the chit-chat?

This linoleum is getting cold.

I better make sure Philip is asleep.

No telling how he'd react to a thing like this.

- Philip! - Jan? Marcia?

- Hi! - It's 2:06 in the morning.

I was just... uh... getting a glass of milk.

I was helping her.

You were helping her get a glass of milk? What's going on?

- The truth is... - The truth is...

The truth is...

The truth is I was in the kitchen getting the milk.

You came in here to get some milk... like that?

This is not mine. I was in the buff.

I don't know which I'd prefer.

So, let's suppose that I would like to wear this...

This is our house just the same as it is yours

and I have every right to wear

whatever I would like to wear whenever I would like to wear it.

Weall have our fantasies.

- Why don't we all go back to bed? - Good idea.

That is not going to solve the problems of this house.

We have differing lifestyles.

You like to play Mozart softly.

I like to play music with a beat, nice and loud.

We're not talking about music.

It's lifestyles!

Like your decision to turn this house...

...into a nudist colony!

Philip, that is unfair. We all have a right to feel comfortable.

But what if seeing Wally in the nude makes us feel uncomfortable?

Right. I didn't know we were living with Play girl's Mr. July.

I'll get it.

Don't answer that!

It's my house. I'll get it if I want to.

Coming.

Do come in.

Miss Fritzenger.

We were just having a little discussion. Would you care to join us?

I heard some very loud music, and at this hour,

so I knew that I had to...

You're wearing an apron.

Yes, yes. Do you like it?

Well...yes.

Thank you. We were discussing personal freedom.

Hmm! Oh!

Oh... oh... oh... oh... oh.

That takes care of her. Now... as we were saying...

Good night, Miss Fritzenger.

This is not working. It's just not working.

- We've got to end this. - End what? It's not that simple.

- Marcia and I are sisters. - We bought this place together.

We've got to make it work. Can't we compromise?

Compromise? What kind of compromise?

Go naked Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

As far as I'm concerned, I don't really care what you do

on your side of the house.

You do what you want over here and let us do what we want over there.

You mean some kind of a separation?

No. I mean a divorce.

You know, Philip, I was hoping all this tape would be gone.

It's so childish!

It's not childish. It's the reason why countries have borders.

It ensures friendly relations.

Too bad my passport expired.

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

What is all this stuff anyway?

A scientific experiment I'm working on.

Here? In the living room?

On our half.

I smell eggs.

Rotten eggs.

What you smell is sulfur.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Ah, you made eggs!

No. Philip made sulfur...

...right here in the living room.

Well, at least it's on our side.

I am a scientist. I have to experiment.

Would you have asked Enrico Fermi to move his atom bomb?

Out of the living room? Yes.

Don't tell me, Dr. Frankenstein dropped in.

Oh, oh... What have you made us for breakfast, Master Phil?

- Philip. - Oh, Philip!

Philip made scrambled sulfur. Can't you smell it?

We agreed to split the house in half.

You better just keep your nose pollution on your side.

That's Philip's work. He has the right to work at home if he wants to.

I'll get it.

- Just stay on your side. - Yes, Master.

Coming.

It is Miss Fritzenger and an officer.

And they're on your side.

I hardly recognize you without your apron.

Thank you.

Folks, Miss Fritzenger has lodged another of her complaints.

Now, at the station, we consider her to be a very concerned citizen.

Thank you, Officer Dumont.

I knew I smelled something. Look at that! They are making drugs.

Probably STP.

And I bet they're selling it at kindergartens during recess!

And last night, this one, this one... was wearing an apron.

- An apron? - Book him on a morals charge.

That's a 613.

And throw in a 752, that's a drug bust, for good measure.

Drug bust.

Officer Dumont, this is going to get you a promotion.

I'm grateful, Miss Fritzenger.

What is this stuff, anyway? We'rein a residential zone.

This stuff, as you called it, is hydrogen sulfide,

a common gas which is sometimes released

by the oxidation of bituminous carbon.

Wait a minute. Do you realize what Philip is doing?

This experiment might very well make a better world for us all.

Miss Fritzenger, anyone who would complain about Philip Covington llI

would have probably thrown Dr. Jonas Salk out on his vaccine.

Thank you, Wally.

Don't thank me. Thank you.

Thank him.

Thank you, Doctor. Keep up the good work.

And Miss Fritzenger, for your information,

a752is "no parking near a fire hydrant".

Well, they probably do that too!

Oh, well, do not think that you can fool Elvira Fritzenger.

You... You...

probably were clothed because you knew I'd be around.

Miss Fritzenger, this is our home, and we can dress any way we choose.

- Any time we choose. - Right.

There are standards.

Exactly. And in this house, we set the standards.

Wally can dress any way he likes.

I can dress any way I like.

Hmm. Hmm. Oh!

Well, I never!

Well, maybe that's your problem, Miss Fritzenger.

Attaboy, Philip!

Hooray, Philip!

That was so funny!

So great.

Do you realize your pants are still down?

And do you realize there is still tape dividing this household?

Do you realize there doesn't have to be?

Let's get rid of it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Good idea!

- You go that way, I'll go this way. - OK.