Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ooh! Oh, no, no.

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

Ah!

Erm...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ.

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

Or as my nan calls it - blyahr.

Being as she is long since dead.

Our calamitous comedians are

hurtling ever faster towards a total loss of credibility.

So please give them an uplifting cheer

as we welcome back Joanne McNally...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who confided in me that he

finds his neighbour's wife "hot as hell and twice as spicy".

S... LAUGHTER

Specifically the neighbours to the left,

if you're looking at the house from the road.

HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the worst-ever one.

No.

She is nice, you said. They watch the show. Yep.

You said you like it when she puts the washing out.

LAUGHTER

Hi, Greg. All right?

Yeah, I'm great. I'm great, actually, now.

You thinking about her? No.

Pegging those...

Pegging those sheets up.

Anyway, I've got some statistics for you. Yeah.

From the channel, about how people watch the show.

So this is interesting. OK.

20% of people apparently now watch it on a device...

..like a mobile or a juicer. Erm, we've got six...

64% of people, most people, project it onto

a sort of large bui...large building into...in a town.

Erm, normally a big hall. And,

uh, the other 16% - traditional flatscreen TV still.

Right. Uh, but on the floor and looking down at it

and dancing around it with some music on.

That's, erm, some statistics about the show. OK.

Ready? Yeah, that was my bit.

All right, we're off to an absolute buzzing start.

LAUGHTER

Right, what's the prize category this week, Alex?

It's the best thing for a person that is meant for an animal. OK?

Greg will give the best thing five points

and Greg will give the worst thing one point.

John, I'm starting with you.

Well, I wanted to get something that was fitting of

a man of your standing and stature.

Lovely.

So I have brought an elephant chair.

Yes, here it is. It's called a howdah.

Ooh.

ALL: Ooh.

I sort of actually like it, though.

LAUGHTER

It's meant for an elephant's back

and you would sit on it on long journeys in the past.

However... Sorry... Yeah? Oh, I see!

LAUGHTER

God, I mean, I genuinely did imagine an elephant with

a bad back sitting on it.

LAUGHTER Genuinely.

However, they are, uh,

quite cruel to be used on elephants.

They're damaging to their skin and their back.

Yes. So by taking one off

the open market, I feel we're all doing a little bit of good today.

Wow, so if I give this five points, I'm...

..I'm taking one for the elephant team?

Big time, big time. You're sending out a message.

You're welcome, big ears. LAUGHTER

Nick, what have you brought in?

You know when a pet is ill... Yes.

..and you give it one of those cones?

To stop... One of those.

I just think one of those for a human - if you had, like,

an itch or something, you could wear one on your hand

to prevent you from itching.

Shall I show you his cone that he's brought in? Thank you.

I mean, you can if you want but I already know...

..I already know how many points it's getting. Yeah.

I already regret it, Greg.

Here's the cone, quite a small one.

Not going to be a surprise, but there you go.

Wow, well, cheers, Nick. It's, uh... Thank you.

It's pretty bad. LAUGHTER

Steve.

It's, uh, a scratching brush.

Here is your scratching brush.

Now, this promotes skin health,

uh, gets rid of parasites.

And, erm, I was imagining you in the shower.

Were you? Yes.

Before the task was set? Yeah!

You've got one of these attached to your towel rail. Yes.

And, yeah, you go up and down on that and, uh...

Y-You've... ..give yourself a good scratch.

You've imagined that I have some

difficult skin to slew off, have you?

No, it's skin health.

It's an impressive load of bullshit for a brush.

LAUGHTER

Joanne. Yes. Uh, can you beat a brush? Yes, you can.

The present I've brought you this week, Greg,

is a trough.

LAUGHTER

Here is...Here is Joanne's trough. Meant for an animal,

but better for a human. LAUGHTER

Yes. It's both insulting and yet appeals.

LAUGHTER Keep talking.

People are going back to the earth, building their own

vegetable patches. I feel the trough is next. Is it?

You're imagining trough parties, are you? Yeah.

It's all very Bear Grylls-survival stuff. Is it? Yeah!

Yeah. It's very... LAUGHTER

You know lads - they love making their own ham.

This is, I feel like... LAUGHTER

This is what's next. It'll be like...

You quite often make your own ham. We're always making our own ham.

It's all... They're all going back to the land with the moustaches

and eating off the ham hock and all, and I feel like this is next.

GREG WHEEZES

Sophie, come on.

I've gone in a different direction.

Thank God.

LAUGHTER

Well, I've got a pet feeder.

Yes, one of these timed cat feeders. Here it is. Timed cat feeder.

I thought it could be quite good for you. For me?

LAUGHTER

Just a little bit of discipline and structure in your life.

LAUGHTER

I mean, basically, what you're saying in that prize is

you're saying, "I think you're fat."

LAUGHTER I was worried about fat shaming.

Yeah. I did ask the producer.

They said, "No, no, it'll be fine. He needs to hear it."

APPLAUSE

Well, I'll hand out some...some, uh, points.

OK. You're going to start with the... With Nick, correct. Right.

LAUGHTER

So Nick gets one point.

Steve, sorry. Two points.

There we go, OK. Aw. I don't want Sophie

to be in control of when I can have a treat.

LAUGHTER

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure, so I'm giving her three points.

OK. Three to you, Sophie. Right.

There's something about these young lads

munching on the ham hocks that got me.

Joanne, four points. And, uh, I just want the elephant chair. So...

Fair enough! Five points to John Robins!

Get your straps ready. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a task proper, shall we?

I don't want to alarm you, Greg,

but there's something mysterious lurking in our tent.

THEY GASP

Hi, Joanne.

Hi, John. Hello, Alex. LAUGHTER

You're taking extreme measures to keep the sun off your face.

Yeah, I feel like I should be in Gilead or something.

Feel like I'm in Handmaiden's Tale.

Hey, Alex.Hello, Nick. LAUGHTER

How are ya? Wowsers.

Work out who is following you.

Oh! Oh, gosh. Work out who is following you.

You must stare at the duck at all times.

Yes.

And take an average-length step

towards the duck every time it quacks.

If the person following you agrees with you,

they will say the name of a mammal.

If the person following you disagrees with you,

they will say the name of a bird.

If the person following you doesn't know

if they agree or disagree with you, they will say

the name of an amphibian, of course.

I've very little animal experience.

Why have you got so little animal experience?

Cos I didn't study zoology. I don't know what an amphibian is.

Right. The correct answer furthest from the duck wins.

Your time starts when the duck quacks.

When I say "now", press the green button. OK.

I'm going to release the follower.

You need to keep looking at the duck. All right.

OK, Steve. You may press the green button.

Oh!I'm so sorry. LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness.

Argh! No, don't...don't start yet.

Ow. Are you OK? Yes.

Joanne, tell me about your lack of experience with animals.

Isn't that terrible? I don't know what an amphibian is. Yeah.

What is it? Like a fishy...

Like a... You don't know either!

Is it like a lizard? An amphibian

has an aquatic, gill-breathing larval stage,

followed by, typically,

a terrestrial lung-breathing adult stage.

Huh! Yes, OK.

Newts, salamanders and, obviously, caecilians. Love them.

Let's go. We begin with keen golfer John Robins

being chased by a keen golf trolley.

Wait for the quack.

QUACK Are you a man?

Badger. Are you a sportsman?

Crane.

Are you a actor?

Kiwi.

Are you a politician?

Turtle dove.

Are you famous?

Wildebeest.

Are you a chef?

Common ostrich.

I don't know what... Are you a comedian?

Ruddy duck.

Are you... Are you human?

Typical pigeon.

Are you a male...? Are you an animal?

Yellow hammer.

Are you a robot?

Gouldian finch.

So you're... Ah, hang on.

You're male, but you're not human.

And you're not an animal.

Are you some kind of connection for like a...?

Are you a cable? LAUGHTER

Short-toed treecreeper.

Uh... Does your name begin with A?

Emu.

Does your name begin with B?

Olive baboon.

And you're not hu...

Are you a human?

Californian condor.

Do you have genitals?

Holy cross frog.

That's ambiguous.

How is that ambiguous?

Is the second letter

of your name an R?

Grey parrot.

An L?

Capybara.

Uh...

Is the third letter a vowel?

Malayan tapir.

Is it A?

Golden pheasant.

Is it E? Is it I?

O?

Pygmy hippopotamus.

OK so B-L-O.

Are you Mr Blobby?

Bactrian camel.

Yeah, so you're Mr Blobby.

You may have a look.

Fucking hell. Not bad!

APPLAUSE

Come on, you. Let's get you home.

Well done, John.

Well, I guess we should briefly discuss, "Are you a cable?"

Cable is surely the only thing that's not human that has a gender.

Oh. Like, male-to-female connections. Oh, I see! OK. Oh, wow.

So I thought it might be a scart lead.

Well, you got there. He was 19 paces from the duck.

OK. Let's see how Steve and Joanne got on with,

to quote Joanne from episode one,

"The best physical comedian of our generation."

QUACK Jesus Christ!

QUACK

Hey, it's good being a man, isn't it?

Badger.

Are you a human?

Kiwi.

Is a kiwi a mammal?

What the fuck is a kiwi?

LAUGHTER Keep stepping, Joanne.

So reading the news,

do you enjoy that?

Vulturine guinea fowl.

Another step please, Steve.

OK. Every quack.

Are you...food?

Glaucous gull.

Are you a famous thing?

Badger.

Are you the Eiffel Tower, like, something like that?

Tawny frogmouth.

What else is there?

Being operated by another human is tough, right?

Hairy-eared dwarf lemur.

Can I get inside you?

LAUGHTER

Aardvark.

Are you a glove puppet?

Gouldian finch.

Are you some kind of

children's TV character?

QUACK Pygmy jerboa. A jerboa!

Please step. LAUGHTER

Do you have a one-word name?

Northern shoveler.

Oh! Is it Mr something?

Rondo dwarf bushbaby.

OK, Mr something.

Have I met you? Have I been in you?

Common midwife toad.

What's that?

We don't know if you've met him or her.

Has it been on telly?

Olive baboon.

Are you Mr Blobby?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Donkey.

What's that? QUACK

Amphibian?

LAUGHTER Does that mean they don't know

if they're Mr Blobby?

QUACK Sorry, her replies are more

confusing than anything else.

Is it B, C, D, F, G, H?

Eurasian lynx.

Is it B, C?

Etruscan shrew.

So it's... Is it B?

Slender loris.

Mr B. Mr Bojangles.

Are you Mr Blobby?

Bengal tiger. QUACK

That's a tiger. QUACK

Agrees.

Mr...Blobby!

Exotic Shorthair cat. QUACK

I'm stopping there cos I think I'm right.

So you ARE Mr Blobby. Fuck off!

Ah! Oh, my God!

Come on, Blob.

I don't want him. It's coming for you, baby.

LAUGHTER

Well, Steve.

If someone said Mr B, I wouldn't have gone Bojangles.

Hearing the quacks with the Handmaid's Tale bonnet on,

thinking about statements that had to be not questions,

being chased by Mr fucking Blobby... LAUGHTER

That is his first name. ..who kept hitting you.

So like John, I only came up with the sort of alphabet thing

when the duck was pretty close. 15 paces from the duck.

Joanne. Yeah. It's quite the contrast to

the forensic things we've seen so far. Uh-huh.

Uh, "Is a kiwi a mammal?"

Pause. "What's a fucking kiwi?"

LAUGHTER

And then you went, "If you're not human,

"you must be the Eiffel Tower." The Eiffel Tower.

Then your next question was,

"Can I get inside you?" Yeah.

So I'm thinking, "Is it a building?" Ah! "Can I step inside you?"

Not, "Can I, like, penetrate you?" Oh, right. Yeah.

But you were kind of hurling out just objects.

And then, suddenly - Blobby. Yeah.

And that's because your go-to thing is Blob.

I genuinely am a really big Mr Blobby fan.

Think he's amazing. I tried to buy his outfit.

Do you remember he went on sale? Yeah!

I mean, the woman's Blobby-obsessed!

And it really helped. She got to the correct answer

much before the other two.

She got 26 steps away from the duck,

and that was after not believing it was Blobby. She carried on

stepping for quite a while after getting the correct answer.

And she was overjoyed when she turned around and saw her hero.

Right. So, yeah, at the moment, it's Joanne, then John, then Steve.

All right, advert time now.

Hopefully, one of them will make health claims for

a food that they know full well is pumped full of sugar.

See you in a minute.

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

What were our contestants doing in a field, young man?

Well, it's a fine question. They were trying to work out

who's following them on an automatic golf trolley, Greg.

They can ask questions or make statements.

If the person agrees, they'll hear a mammal in response.

If they disagree, it's a bird.

And if it's ambiguous, they'll hear an amphibian

because it sounds a little bit like ambiguous. LAUGHTER

Finally, how long will it take Nick and Sophie to work out that

Mr Blobby's following them? Here we go.

QUACK Erm...

Have you got blonde hair?

Kiwi. Kiwi?!

That's a fruit! LAUGHTER

Are you, uh, human?

Kiwi.

Are you smaller than a large tree?

Donkey.

Are we friends from school?

LAUGHTER No, no, no, cos it's...

Did I meet you in the last five years?

Common midwife toad.

Ugh! Do you have four legs?

Californian condor.

Do you have two legs?

Bengal tiger.

Are you over 30?

Donkey. OK.

Have you used an Excel sheet?

LAUGHTER

Glaucous gull.

Are you on TV?

Pygmy jerboa.

Are you on BBC?

Capybara.

Oh, no. This duck's approaching.

Have we ever been drunk together? LAUGHTER

Common mudpuppy.

That means, yeah, I think. Doesn't it?

Oh, I can't wait... If you get to the duck,

you can just keep sort of pacing at the duck

and we'll just do it on time instead.

Uh, British?

Pygmy hippopotamus.

Oh, you ARE British.

Are you an athlete?

Northern shoveler.

Are you a cartoon character?

Are you a big grasshopper?

Are you a mascot of some kind?

Are you on the box of any kind of food-related stuff?

Is it Alex?

LAUGHTER All right. Erm, yeah.

I think you're just going to stay here with the duck. Am I? Oh, right. OK.

Are you on a particular time of day? Mid-afternoon?

Crane.

Early evening?

Possum.

QUACK OK.

Right. So I can take the duck where I want?

If you want, yeah. Oh! Oh!

I'm so sorry, I saw him. LAUGHTER

I saw him!

QUACK It's Mr Blobby!

Pygmy jerboa.

You're welcome to say hello to Mr Blobby.

Yeah, thank you. God!

BBC, larger than a human

but smaller than a large tree,

walks on two legs. DUCK QUACKS

On BBC One? LAUGHTER

Pangolin.

OK.

What's on at that time?

Mr Blobby?

CHEERING

Pink fairy armadillo.

Yaaaaaay!

I mean, the question I've got, Nick, is that you asked every

question about every subject ever... Yes. ..before you arrived at Blobby.

Yeah, that was, I mean, just to do it by process of elimination.

I guess that's what that was.

By eliminating everything in the world?

In the world. In the universe. Yeah, yeah.

I like the question,

"Are you smaller than a large tree?"

Cos how tall's a tree? A tree can be various sizes. Wow.

I mean, one of the great philosophical questions of our time.

How large is large? How large IS large?

This is large.You're larger than me, yeah. LAUGHTER

Small. Yeah.

Was there a logic to Sophie's questions?

I've written some down.

"Have I met you in the last five years?"

"Have I got drunk with you?"

"Have you used an Excel sheet?"

I mean, you literally sound like a dropped Alexa.

I just thought you were going to do something

a bit like Surprise Surprise. I thought you were going to...

I thought it could've been my mate Amy, to be honest. Right.

I was really thinking she was going to pop out. Yeah.

And that we'd mounted her on a golf trolley? Yeah. LAUGHTER

Obviously, Sophie can't have a point, can she?

Cos she saw Blobby. AUDIENCE: Aw!

I know. Terrible, actually.

Tough shit. LAUGHTER

Shall we give out the points? Yes.

Well, it's Sophie, unfortunately, zero.

Two points to Nick, three to Steve, four to John.

But the winner, the future Mrs Blobby,

is Joanne McNally! Whoa!

CHEERING

May I see a scoreboard, please?

At the bottom, and it's been typical of the series so far,

we've got Sophie and Nick with three points.

At the top, it's John and Joanne, both with nine points.

Good. What's next?

Ooh! Oh, no.

It's childcare. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

BABY CRIES

Hi. Hi, and congratulations.

Thank you. This takes me back.

Have you worn one of them before?

Well, in my head it's a bulletproof vest.

And I am Detective Robins, homicide.

Oh, hi, Joanne. What's going on?

You've got to look after a baby.

What is it?

I'll pop her or him in. I can't remember the gender.

Oh, God.

Ah!

There we go. Nothing to be frightened of.

This is actually quite comfortable. Good.

Nice on the shoulders.

Complete the jobstacle course.

Each job must completed to a satisfactory-quality level.

The baby must remain in the baby carrier at all times

except during nappy change. Yes. Yes.

You must complete the jobstacle course

within eight minutes.

The least baby spilled wins.

I'd actually like to spill a bit of it.

LAUGHTER We want a wet baby and a dry Steve.

Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, God.

Nick looks terrified of the baby.

I've got three kids! Have you really got three kids?

Yeah, genuinely. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah, I have, yeah. It is!

Sorry, kids.

Let's crack on. All right, then. The first to look after

the big wet baby are Joanne and Sophie.

I think my approach is going to be to glide.

Swift, fast and smooth, like a swan. Do the dishes.

They're in the caravan.

I am curious about motherhood, so I think this'll be good for me.

Yeah, this'll be a good test.

Like a swan.

Daddy Horne hanging around outside doing fuck all.

LAUGHTER

That's it. Done.

Oh! That was unfortunate.

Ah, now.

Alex, pick up the basket.

I'll pick up the basket.

And the thing... I can't pick up the thing.

Bend from the knees.

Now.

Oh, no.

His shoes need cleaning now.

Argh.

The state of your shoes, Greg.

I'm trying to raise a jug of water here. LAUGHTER

There's a suffragette turning in her grave somewhere. LAUGHTER

Oh, fabulous. Done.

OK. Does your big wet baby have a name?

Juicy. LAUGHTER

Get in. Get in.

This is why women breast-feed,

cos this is a pain in the hole.

Watch your own baby, yeah.

Is the last one done? Yeah. WHISTLE BLOWS

Whack it in, whack it in. WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you.

I think it's very impressive, Joanne, for you to make points about

the patriarchy when you've got a bucket of water strapped to you.

Any excuse.

Can you tell me statistics about who was the most effective parent?

Sophie spilt a fifth of her baby,

used some of the baby to clean the shoes with. Ah!

I spilt some out at the start. Yeah. Cos I was like,

"That's going to go anyway. I might as well get rid of it."

Not stress it. Speed up. Yeah, you only spilt a sixth of your baby,

so you are currently in the lead, Joanne.

Next up, it's two dads of three - it's Nick and it's Steve.

OK, let's do the shoes first.

Oh, God. Right, here we go.

For... Oh, what am I going to clean them with?

Oh, I can't use the baby!

Sorry, baby.

Just... I'm patting the baby's head.

Baby's fine, though. Argh! Baby's fine.

You're not cleaning with the baby at all, are you?

A little bit of her went in the...in the soapy water.

# With rings on her fingers

# And bells on her toes... #

Ooh. LAUGHTER

I think your baby's been sick.

Hang the laundry twixt the cow and the caravan.

Bit of baby spilt on your knee, then. Yeah, but that...

A lot of... Oh. That's handy.

I'm assuming I have to create my own line, yeah?

To hang the... Sure, yeah. ..laundry.

# Ta-da-da-da. #

There we go. Is that... Are you satisfied with that? Well, yeah.

Yeah? So, hang the laundry, dust the carpet.

Oh, was that dusting the carpet? CACKLES

OK, best way to dust a carpet...

LAUGHTER

Satisfied?

No.

Oh, baby's not happy with this.

Are you...thirsty?

Oh, there we go.

Now let's get that nap-nap changed.

Ugh.

She loves that.

WHISTLE BLOWS There you go. That's not bad.

You've got three seconds left.

Uh... Love you. WHISTLE BLOWS

Two actual fathers. And with very contrasting approaches.

Nick, you seemed a very cautious and caring parent, I thought. Yeah.

Did Nick spill a lot of baby?

Yes, Nick spilt a quarter of his baby,

whereas Steve, in the end, only 7% of baby spilt.

Who would've thought that you would come across in this competition as

a more effective parent by force-feeding your baby?

I feel like I have to apologise to my own children now,

if that was anything like the upbringing they had.

Yeah.

Time for a break now. I say that, it doesn't seem to matter

how much pressure I apply to Alex's pelvis, it just won't snap.

LAUGHTER

Hello. Yes, you're back with us on Taskmaster. Mm-mm.

Comedy entertainment at its finest. Am I right, guys?

The current task... LAUGHTER

..sees our comedians busy trying to complete a jobstacle course

of household chores whilst looking after their water bottle in

a baby carrier. Least baby spilled wins.

Last up - Rohn Jobins. LAUGHTER

What are you going to do first, John?

Well, I'm going to take the baby out of this.

It must stay in the baby carrier.

It must remain in the baby carrier.

But the baby carrier doesn't have to remain on me.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

There we go. Right.

LAUGHTER Do the dishes. Caravan.

Dishes...done!

Thank you, Greg.

Dust the carpet!

Four minutes left.

Four minutes!

Never done this before.

The way my life's going, I'll probably never do it again.

LAUGHTER Ugh!

A lot easier without a baby on your front.

Oh, it's so much easier,

and honestly that baby's been

driving me crazy. LAUGHTER

One minute left, John.

Just taking a bit of care with this, Alex.

How much more time have I got?

Five, four,

three, two... WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you.

If anything, he was tad smug.

But, you know. Fast, wasn't it? Yeah, and it wasn't even about that.

There was zero percentage of the baby spilt.

Oh, don't leave a silence where there's a "but" coming and you...

No? There's no "but". I'm just allowing you to enjoy it.

Oh, that's sweet.

How long do you want to give him to enjoy it?

LAUGHTER

We'll give him ten more seconds, shall we?

LAUGHTER

No, I unfortunately don't have another VT.

He has genuinely nailed it.

I know he has, yeah. Which is very frustrating.

APPLAUSE

So the points are - Nick gets one,

Sophie two, Joanne three, Steve four,

five points to John Robins! Well done, John.

OK, what's next please, Alex?

You're going to like this, Greg. We started off in a tent

and now we're going to be IN TENTS. Intense. Do you...? Yeah?

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

Oh, hello.

Hello, Alex.

You all right?

Oh, no.

What now?

Is this right?

Hello, you OK?

Have you seen something bad?

Have you had an accident?

ALEX GRUMBLES

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Hmm.

Oh, thank you.

Create tension and you've just given me a masterclass.

Create tension. Oh,

you were acting. And you did it well.

Most tension created wins.

You have 20 minutes - your time starts now.

Have you started the attempt?

I've started. This is tension. Yeah.

So, like, just make it really awkward?

What did you think of my tension that I created?

Didn't feel tense.

No, no. Oh, well.

I'd give it a two out of ten... Right.

..for tension.

Sexual tension?

Hmm, I'm going to need some kind of elasticated roping.

I would like to challenge you to a duel of...

..hangman.

Isn't quite working, that, is it?

Got a tablecloth? Mm-hm. Yeah.

I'm going to get some bits and bobs.

APPLAUSE

This will be interesting cos I know how to make you tense.

Yes, you do.

And I'm not going to be the only one, I suspect. Let's go.

First of all, we're going to see three lots of tension-makers -

Sophie, John and Joanne.

Tension. What is tension?

Tension is

the apprehension that something bad's going to happen, innit?

It's tense, we're worried.

Alex, sit with me.

Sit down beside me. Yeah.

Actually, no. Actually hop up here, hop up.

Facing you? Like this?

This is perfect, yeah. Look at me.

Do I relax? No, don't relax.

No? I want you on edge.

In order to actually measure the tension,

we've got both analogue and digital tension scales.

Like, so like...tightrope walking, but on a chair?

Yeah.

What's your salary? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Don't lie, don't lie to your mother.

LAUGHTER

Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Increase the tension. Oh!

Alex, stand firm. Let's take a reading.

Alex, that's ten kilos of tension.

Our genitals are not touching, just to be clear.

Sadly.

Can I say something?

I don't feel the need to say anything.

Two minutes left.

SHE HISSES

That WAS tense.

SHE HISSES

Feels so good.

It's like my father's alive again.

Uh... It's my father's anniversary today - dead 21 years.

Oh, is it? You smell just like him.

SNIFFS DEEPLY

Hmm.

What am I doing with the net, John? What are you doing?

You're catching the Marble of Certain Death. Oh, I see.

OK. OK.

Three, two,

one.

And there you go,

the Marble of Certain Death caught by Alex

under pretty extreme tension here. That's ten kilos of tension.

WHISTLE BLOWS That's your time up, John. Thank you.

Phew.

Ten seconds, Joanne. My whistle's right down here though.

Excuse me?

Ignore the whistle - it's just me and you now.

I've got to get the whistle.

I've asked the cameramen to leave.

SNIFFS DEEPLY Stop it.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, thank God.

Don't even look me in the eye ever again.

Thanks, Joanne.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I told you someone would crack the code.

Consent at every point - every point, there was consent.

There was. What the audience didn't hear is

what you said as you, uh,

walked out which was, "Never look at me again."

Sophie, watching you

standing on one leg with a cup on your head

hissing like a fucking snake...

..is the least tense I've ever felt.

Oh, really?

You've never been in that position

cos you're always taller, aren't you? But... Yeah.

..actually having somebody...

HISSES

Well, let me... Let me, yeah, go on.

If you sit on the floor.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!

HISSES FORCEFULLY

No. Nothing? Right.

Well, that's fine.

What about John, who took a very literal version of tension?

Did he create much tension?

Well, yes 1kg on Earth

is 9.8 Newtons of tension, we know this. "We know this."

And you had ten kilos. So it was, yeah, it was 98 Newtons

of tension, he created. Which is about the same as

a small monkey swinging on a tree.

How heavy is the monkey?

It said a small monkey.

How many pounds of tension did he create?

But te...tension's not measured in

stones or pounds. It's not measured in monkeys, mate.

It's measured in... LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who's left?

Next up, time to vamp up the tension

with Nick Mohammed. Ooh.

How long, Alex?

Got one minute, Nick.

OPERATIC MUSIC BUILDS

APPLAUSE

That's what I intended.

Then that then goes over that.

We'll do that. And this little...

..little finish.

Thanks, Alex. See you later.

The old egg-misses-the-glass trick, eh?

That was genuinely stressful just rewatching that.

Yeah, there was tension there.

And I've gotta say, it's not looking bad for you on this one. Oh, great.

Yeah, and bear in mind who you're sitting next to.

Right, we're nearly at the end of the show,

when one of the comedians will scream with delight

as they head home with their very own trough,

but first, have some badverts.

Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show,

where things have been pretty damn tense.

Oh, you've been pretty, I've been tense

and that's because we've come to the end of our create-tension task,

and it ends with me versus Steve at hangman.

No vowels.

P.

BELL DINGS

T.

R.

BELL DINGS

L.

BELL DINGS

D.

H. BELL DINGS

M. BELL DINGS

S.

N.

P. BELL DINGS

C.

B.

H.

C?

G.

V. LAUGHTER

BELL DINGS

Nightclub.

It means assistant.

APPLAUSE

What an impressive production.

Hmm. Amazing.

The tension in that room between Alex and I,

and the no-vowels hangman rule,

that really upped it 50%.

It did.

It was electric.

If I were to pick perhaps a small criticism -

yoghurt, cheese and hot sauce sounds quite nice.

LAUGHTER

Right, Sophie's getting one point

then there's a gulf between Sophie

and the others.

So we jump up to three points.

Right. Who's getting three points? John is.

I felt tense with Nick and with Steve.

Steve, I felt deliberately tense.

And with Nick, I felt his gross incompetence was...

LAUGHTER ..as a magician, was going to result

in someone being hurt.

So I can draw a parallel there and say four points for both.

But we all know where the most tension was in the room. Yeah.

And it was a grown woman sniffing your beard.

So five points to Joanne, and that's the end of it.

Scoreboard, boy.

Right, OK. Well, unfortunately, Sophie,

that means you've only got six points, whereas John

and Joanne are in the lead with 17 points. Ooh.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

All right, then.

Please can you vacate your chairs,

head to the stage for the final task of the show!

Who's going to read the task out?

Joanne McNally, my friend.

Don't look at me, Alex. LAUGHTER

Don't look at me.

Catch the most monsters in your boxes.

The monsters must propel themselves from the table.

Most monsters in boxes after two minutes wins.

And I should also say - if you catch one in your arm,

that's worth one monster.

In your hat, that's worth two monsters.

It's three on the leg,

four on the back bucket,

five on the shoulder.

Isn't the leg one a bit unfair?

Someone's got an advantage. HISSES

OK, so it's two minutes, Greg.

Let's dance. And they're off.

Whoa!

It's hard to even get the... Oh!

How'd you do it? They're not bouncing.

Oh!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

NOW I'm tense, Sophie.

Yes, yes!

CHEERING

Nick is pulling away here.

Ah!

24 seconds left now.

How are you over there?

Yes.

Oh, Steve, that was so close.

Tip the table, tip that table.

Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS Stop.

APPLAUSE Oh!

Can I clarify one thing? It did say in the task

the monsters must propel themselves from the table.

Are we happy that the stage is a table for Sophie?

I mean, as an act of charity, I think...

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm going to quickly count the monsters.

We have one in the top - that's two monsters for Joanne.

Lovely. Not bad.

We have one in the top,

we also have two bucket monsters,

so that's a total of ten monsters. Ooh. Wow.

That's a lot of monsters.

You have two in the leg -

that's six monsters.

Right. Unfortunately, the arm is the lowest scoring.

There are six in there, which is also a total of six monsters.

There is one in the hat and there are two in the bucket,

so that's a total of ten monsters.

So why don't you all come down here

and we'll see what that's done to the final scores?

APPLAUSE

Greg, I need to show you a couple of things.

Oh, good - is it related to the show?

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately, yes. I need to, uh, get your judgment on

a couple of little bits I caught during the task.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Some impropriety?

LAUGHTER

You need them - otherwise, you can't see. Oh, yeah.

OK, have a look up here. The first thing I was saw this.

ALL: Ooh!

Outrageous.

Yeah, so do you want to dock him one monster or more?

Oh, I mean he's disqualified from the whole...

GASPS I'm joking. I'm joking.

Yeah, just dock him one point, yeah. One monster's gone.

And then it's whether or not Steve's final hat monster

was before or after the whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS Stop.

Well, it was about three years after the whistle.

So there's not a lot of tension in that decision, is there?

So that means Joanne, uh,

is last with the two monsters, then it's Nick with five,

Sophie with six, Steve with eight

and John takes all five points with the ten monsters.

There it is.

Exciting what that's done to the final scoreboard.

Because so far only Steve has won, of course.

Correct. In this episode, Joanne was pipped to the post.

She got 18 points and John got 22 points.

John Robins is the winner of episode three!

Go and gather your alternative animal accessories.

APPLAUSE

So what have we learnt from today's show?

Well, we've learnt that everyone

finds themselves in tense situations.

A difficult negotiation, perhaps, a feud with a neighbour,

an argument with a partner.

But remember, there's always a way to defuse that awful tension.

And this is it.

HISSES

But there's only one real winner tonight, ladies and gentlemen -

that is John Robins!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media