Original subtitles

Season 13 Episode 8 "Dead Celebrities"

You have been very, very naughty.

You're a naughty girl.

I've been so naughty.

Jeez!

What the...

Get back to bed right now.

I'm scared. There's a ghost.

Not this again.

We're sick of you talking about ghosts.

- But, daddy... - No buts.

Get back to your room and don't come out. You got it?

Gerald, what has gotten into him?

I don't know.

Maybe with all the famous people dying this summer,

he freaked himself out.

Billy Mays here for Mega Scrub cleanser.

Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains?

Don't just rub them, megascrub them.

Billy Mays!

Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains

are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.

Mommy!

Farrah Fawcett!

David Carradine!

Billy Mays here for Mighty MendIt.

The fast and easy way to mend, hem and wear it again.

- Ike, what? - Make Billy Mays go away!

Make Billy Mays go away.

Make him stop.

Make him stop, Kyle!

Ike, your family is very worried about you.

Ike, you can talk to me.

I'm a therapist.

Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay.

It's a secret.

Tell me your secret.

I promise not to tell anyone else.

I see dead celebrities.

You mean you see dead celebrities on TV in the news?

I see them walking around.

They talk to me.

Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?

Just Ed McMahon.

How often do you see dead celebrities?

All the time.

Sup, Jew.

Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him.

He's still seeing dead celebrities.

What a dumb ass.

I don't know. Last night, We found him in the kitchen pantry.

He was screaming the name Billy Mays over and over.

Billy Mays?

You didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays.

- What? - He saw the ghost of Billy Mays?

I don't know who that is.

The guy on TV who had incredible things for people buy.

He died four months ago, but they still show him all the time.

For the love of Christ. Here.

Here. This is him.

Billy Mays here with another fantastic product.

If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle.

But you hate all those blood stains in your underwear.

I love Chipotle.

But getting all the blood stains out of my underwear is a nightmare.

Now there's a product that can clean blood stains

caused by Chipotle off your underwear.

Chipotlaway.

Just one Chipotle burrito can leave up to a 1/4 cup of blood.

But Chipotlaway makes your underwear clean and ready for more.

Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle.

That can cost you thousands.

Chipotlaway gets rid of blood stains and leaves your underway good as new.

Imagine having underwear so clean you can eat off of it.

Chipotle.

Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want

and still have underway that sparkles and shines.

Order right now!

That product changed my life.

It works. I use it all the time.

- What? Are you serious? - Look, Kyle.

If there's a chance he isn't at rest, I want to help.

Why the hell would you do that?

He was a great person.

Why would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?

Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good.

We have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this.

I know just who to call.

On this episode of Ghost Hunters,

a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities.

The Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it.

It's the gayest show in the fucking world.

Ghost Hunters!

All right. What we have this week, Chris?

We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranormal...

Wait. What was that?

I heard it too. It was like a...

Is there a ghost here?

All right. A little boy is seeing the ghost?

Apparently only he is seeing them.

What is that? Do you hear that?

Look. What is that?

I think that's a cigarette lighter.

All right. Okay. Maybe.

We're now inside the house where the ghosts have been spotted.

- What was that? - What was what?

Did you hear that? It was like a...

Is there a spooky ghost here?

Look. What is that?

I'm pretty sure that's their television.

Man, I'm really scared.

What is this?

There's a wetness coming from my pants!

- I see it! - What is it?

I'm so scared.

- I'm so scared. - Look.

It's got you, too!

Make sure the camera is getting this.

Definitely paranormal activity.

It's a warm, moist.

A warm, moist sensation that is moving down my left thigh.

Look, it's starting to form a pool around the floor now.

Are you getting this?

Are you guys fucking serious?

The paranormal activity is now leaving

a trail of some kind behind both of us.

Something hot and warm is coming out the back of my pants now.

It smells!

You see, Ike? There's nothing.

There's nothing for you to be afraid of.

Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station.

It's all in your head.

The fast and easy way to press and cook sliders.

I just don't understand it.

It's going to be all right.

But it doesn't make any sense.

I mean, If you know it's going to make you crap blood,

why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?

That's what I'm saying.

You have the Chipotlaway, so it doesn't matter.

Of course, it matters. You should be concerned

there's blood in your underwear. You understand this?

I eat Chipotle all the time and never made me crap blood.

How nice for you, Stan.

You have a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.

Boys, little Ike is stable.

But the celebrity ghosts have sent him into some kind of coma.

Wait. There really are ghosts?

Of course there are.

Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters?

But I'm a pediatric doctor,

so I'm going to and this off to Dr. Phillips,

who specializes in spooky things.

The ghost of the celebrities

are in deep unrest.

I've never sensed anything like it.

I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roaming the world.

Reaching out, through the child.

They're lost in purgatory.

Purgatory? What's that?

Sometimes when people die,

they can't accept what's happen to them.

And so, before they reach the after life,

they go to a place called

purgatory.

It is a temporary plane of existence.

It's neither heaven nor hell.

Purgatory is like,

being on an airplane that is waiting to take off.

But you're still sitting at the gate.

And even though the plane isn't taking off,

they won't let you back off the plane.

And you can't get up to go to the bathroom.

Because you're on an active runway.

All these dead celebrities

are sitting on that plane,

waiting and wanting to move on.

Bur for whatever reason, they are stuck,

without any information,

even from the pilot.

How much longer it's going to be.

And it's taking forever.

They are not serving drinks yet.

It's like a terrifying limbo.

My God!

Poor Billy Mays!

I am speaking to the celebrities that are haunting this child.

If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known.

Billy Mays here again with another fantastic product.

Billy Mays, it's him!

Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?

Yes, I am, Billy Mays.

Be quite, Billy Mays. Somebody is trying to contact us.

To which celebrity am I addressing now?

This is Walter Cronkite.

All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.

- We know that. - Of course, we know that.

There's only one person here not cooperating.

That's right. Just admit you're dead and sit down.

That's ignorant.

I'm not dead.

You are dead!

I just have a skin condition.

Boys quickly, convince Michael Jackson he's dead.

- What? - He's in denial.

He's been in denial all his life.

Tel him or you're going to lose your little brother.

Mr. Jackson, you aren't alive.

You're in purgatory.

You being ignorant. I'm alive.

And I'm a child.

And I'm white.

Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems.

Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper.

Shut up, Billy Mays!

You're dead, Mr. Jackson.

- That's just ignorant. - Accept it!

He's in too much denial.

Wake up, buddy.

You got to wake up!

There you go. That's good!

I thought I lost you, little brother.

That's ignorant.

Look, everyone. I told you I was alive.

What are you doing inside my little brother?

I'm a child. I knew I was a child, see?

Come on, let's play. Let's go climb a tree.

Come back here!

Come on, let's climb the tree.

Mr. Jackson, you can't do this. This is not your body.

I'm a little white child. Let's play.

Asshole, you're keeping a lot of celebrities in purgatory.

Including the late and talented Billy Mays.

It's ignorant!

People lie and spread rumors about me.

Like that I'm dead. How could I do this if I was dead?

What are we going to do?

Come on, this is ridiculous.

How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?

- Come on! - This is ridiculous!

Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience.

I've been informed we are delayed

at least another 96 hours.

You can't keep people stuck like this.

We know you want to cross over to the next plane

but for now, you have to stay.

That's it! I have to go to the bathroom.

Stay in your seat with your seatbelt fasten.

You've been saying that for three months now.

Let's see. Demonic ghosts, animal ghosts.

Setting traps for ghosts.

Here's the one part that really makes no sense.

The first time you saw blood stains on your underwear,

were you alarmed?

Was I alarmed?

- I believe I was. - So why do you just ignore it

using something as stupid as Chipotle away?

Chipotlaway.

I'm not the one who uses it. My mom does.

She does the laundry.

Your mom uses Chipotlaway

to clean blood stains out of your underwear?

And then takes you to Chipotle and buys you more?

Yes. It's totally normal.

People do this stuff, you know.

Not every one can be the boy with the golden butt hole.

Here it is. "Possession by a ghost".

"A ghost that enters and refuses to leave a living host

because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be."

"The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized

by the living as what it always tried to be."

What did Michael Jackson always try to be?

A child. And a female.

- And white. - Look, a planet.

He wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl.

What are we going to do? Dress him up in a princess gown

and parade him like the parents of those child pageants?

{\*LYNCHBURG WELCOMES THE TINY MISS PAGEANT!}

First up, we have the beautiful Miss Jessica.

All right, Jessica.

Jessica enjoys riding her horse Marley

and doing her nails with her sisters.

Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy.

Brandy, work it, girl.

Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat, Sunshine.

Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy.

And now welcome contestant number 27,

little Miss Michael Jackson.

- All right, Michael! - Work it!

Michael says she just enjoys being a child.

She loves to play and climb trees

and thinks people who don't are ignorant.

Ignorant.

God, I hope this works.

Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow.

Are you tired of sitting in limbo?

Lost somewhere between planes of existence?

Now there is a product...

Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?

I can't take it anymore.

It's bad enough without having to listen to you

try and sell your stupid crap.

With two easy steps, I can climb over these seats

and kick you in the fucking balls.

That does it We won't just sit here anymore.

We want answers.

Why isn't anybody telling us anything?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

It's about fucking time.

Certainly want to thank you for all your patience.

We know that you're eager to...

get going and we will certainly pass on any information...

as it becomes...

more available.

Michael Jackson isn't here anymore. He's gone.

We should move on now.

But as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a lot of baggage.

He checked some of that baggage in. So the crew has to go through it

and get his out of purgatory before we push back from the gate.

Did I do good in the swimsuit category?

I was worried that brunette was prettier than me.

Excuse me. Please do us a favor and vote for little Miss Jackson.

It's important.

It's more important for my little Kylie.

Just look at this face.

Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants.

All right. Thank you, Miss Cassie.

Now for her talent portion,

Miss Michael Jackson is going to sing for us.

I'm just a little girl

A dainty little thing

And I know you all want to be

A little white girl like me

The two male judges love her.

All right. That's about enough.

- Crap. - What the eff?

All right, everyone.

The judge will now tally her final scores.

We're totally screwed. They took the two best judges away.

No way that lady judge is voting for us.

She's glaring the entire time.

You'll win for sure, Heidi. That judge adores you.

This is hopeless.

Wait. Look at the lady judge.

She's eating Chipotle.

- So what? - Maybe she doesn't know.

Maybe she doesn't know!

Excuse me, ma'am. I see you're eating Chipotle.

It's my favorite fast food, I would eat it every day.

Except I...

Except...

You can't afford buying all the underwear?

How did you know?

It doesn't matter. I'm just going to have to give it up.

What if you didn't have to give it up?

Excuse me?

I think you and I might be able to help each other here.

And now it is time to announce our grand little miss.

Little Miss Michael Jackson!

I'm sorry I didn't win, mommy.

Thank you so much for this reward.

Of all the awards I ever won, this one means the most.

I feel like...

I'm finally at rest.

I'm finally at rest!

I'm free!

Holy shit!

What the fuck am I wearing?

Ike, you're back.

What the fuck is going on?

It's okay, Ike.

You're going to be okay.

Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the celebrities can now rest.

I'm free!

I'm free!

He's here!

- Finally! - He's here!

All right, everyone. Looks like we're all ready to move on.

Did you all see my crown?

Finally, we can all move on!

All right. I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of hell.

Unfortunately, hell is a towing gate.

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