Original subtitles

Season 13 Episode 10 "W.T.F."

Say that again, Edge. You think you're better than me?

Cena, your mouth has gotten you into trouble for the last time.

I'm gonna shut it up for you!

- Mess him up, Edge! - Kick his ass!

I've got something else to tell you, Edge!

I slept with Vanessa last night!

Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend!

- My God. This is so awesome! - I am having the best time!

You cheated and took my belt from me.

And now I can't hardly get work wrestling!

You took my girl and you took my job!

He took his job!

He took his job!

Sweet!

- Dude, awesome! - This is so awesome!

- Dude, that was so badass! - Wrestling is awesome!

This is it. We know what are calling in life is.

Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class!

- All right! - Sweet!

The fuck is this?

Why did they have us put on long underwear?

I guess we're supposed to make your own outfit

and then wear it over this.

That makes sense.

Did everyone settle on their names?

I did. I'm the Rad Russian.

I come from Russia to crush your puny capitalist head!

All right!

Glad to see some new recruits

interested in the fine sport of wrestling.

- Cool! - Let's do this!

The first things we're gonna learn

are the fundamental wrestling holds.

Let's get some volunteers.

Come over here, young man. What's your name?

- The Rad Russian. - What?

You capitalist swine! I crush you!

Just get on your hands and knees.

Just down on the floor.

Hands and knees.

And now how about you? Your name is?

Triceratops!

All right. Come on over here.

I'm gonna position you into the official wrestling starting position.

Here we go...

The fuck is this?

Now just reach around him, here.

- Good. - Dude! Dude!

The fuck are you doing?

Get back on the floor. It's the starting position of wrestling!

That's not wrestling. That's fucking gay!

Are you a child molester?

Where's the cool costumes and jumping off ropes?

Not this again!

Let me guess, you went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night!

The WWE is not wrestling!

That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you?

Real wrestling, boys, is this.

Well, this is fucking lame.

Let's get out of here.

He probably wants to take pictures of us naked.

I got half a mind to report... Report you to the police, sir!

The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today.

So here's how we'll do this.

I'll come out to the ring first, then Jimmy tells me he'll kick my ass.

I'll say you slept with my girlfriend, and I'll do you a headslap.

- Sounds good. - Butters comes in as the ref

like, "The fight hasn't started!"

That's when Jimmy sneaks up and hits me with the foldaway chair.

Okie-doke!

So is that when I tell you your girlfriend is a whore?

Let's save it for after Stan headbutts Butters for stopping the fight.

- Boy, wrestling sure is fun! - All right. We ready to try this?

Let's start wrestling.

- I'm gonna kick your ass! - You slept with my girl, Hammerclaw!

No, the fight hasn't started yet. No! Bad!

He slept with my girl, referee!

In my country we don't wait for a bell, mister...

Your girl is a whore.

- Wait for the whore line. - Right. Sorry.

You're gonna get it, Hammerclaw!

- We'll see about that! - Now hold on!

I am stopping the fight!

What's going on?

Apparently that crippled kid

slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend.

Geez. They're so young!

I'll kill you, Triceratops. You made fun of my crippled mother!

That's because your mother betrayed my mother, Juggernaut!

You don't come to this country and make fun of it!

And just what do you care about your pitiful country?

I served my country. I fought for two years in Vietnam!

That kid was in Nam? Man, that's incredible.

Good for you for serving your country!

Guys, check this out!

There's this little kid from the Congo who was raised by panthers!

Are you serious?

Just admit it, Congo. Admit you lied about me to Irene!

I admit nothing. Maybe Irene lied to you!

That kid in the hat is having sex with two different girls?

No, that little kid from the Congo

lied about one of them to get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife.

They're married?

You will have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian!

You can't fight until your test results come back!

I have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the meantime,

I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you!

That Russian kid's got hepatitis?

Here he comes now!

The cold blooded wrestler from Mexico.

El Pollo Loco!

What are you doing here, El Pollo Loco?

Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man.

She likes me!

You don't know what you're saying, Juggernaut!

Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her!

If she wants you,

how about she tells all these people here?

Here some comes now. It's Bad Irene!

Let me tell you something.

It's true I love Stan the Man with all my heart.

- But I want to be with Juggernaut now. - What?

No way!

What are you doing? Stan the Man loves you!

Don't break his heart!

If you love Juggernaut, Irene,

then tell what you did two years ago. How you killed his child!

It's true. I was pregnant with your child and I aborted it.

Irene, no! Why?

Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven?

Do you?

I've had so many abortions. I got addicted to them.

Did you hear that?

Irene, you said you loved me!

I don't love you. I love abortions, don't you understand?

I'm telling you guys, you got to see this.

These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old

and they got more problems than you can imagine.

There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered.

And yesterday he finds the killer

and it's this other kid who's an ex-cop.

Needless to say, he whooped his ass good.

And there's this little girl.

She's actually addicted to getting abortions.

Got pregnant by nearly every boy there.

You're shitting me.

No, we're telling you these kids are fucking crazy.

You gotta check it out.

You can watch them almost every afternoon.

It's some of the greatest wrestling we ever seen.

It isn't real!

Don't you people understand? That stuff isn't real.

None of it! How stupid are you?

What do you mean it ain't real?

It's all made up. Fiction.

Real wrestling is a serious and respectable sport.

Why can't you understand that kind of wrestling isn't real?

Mister,

there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions

and she ain't even ten yet.

But I guess that's just not real to you.

Son a bitch.

Look! This is wrestling!

Mister, you better take your gay porn and walk right outta this bar.

Holy crap. There's a huge turnout tonight!

Good thing we made those changes to the seating.

You guys, let's bring it in.

We've done a great job. Let's just keep the energy up,

have a good flow and have fun.

Let's do this! One, two...

Backyard wrestling!

What a perfect night for fighting!

Low, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I,

the man known as the Rad Russian,

start to stir with the excitement of violence.

Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent!

But you don't know what real pain is. Pain, like I've known.

Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents.

Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel.

Geez, I didn't know his parents did that.

I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate

your employment here at South Park Elementary.

You're firing me? Why?

The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program.

Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter.

Like murder and abortion.

No! This isn't wrestling!

This isn't wrestling!

Principal Victoria, let me stay on and I can teach kids

what real wrestling is!

The board has made up their minds.

You can't fire me for what these kids do!

That isn't the only reason.

What?

We found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Conners.

So we do the part about Jimmy's relationship

with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table.

- Sure, that works. - You guys!

Listen to this. It's amazing!

- What, dude? - We received a letter from the WWE.

- From the wrestlers we saw in Denver? - No way!

"Gentlemen, we have heard of your wrestling organization

"and are quite interested in its popularity.

"The WWE is delighted to inform you

"that it will be sending a talent scout, president Vince McMahon,

"to view your wrestling event this Saturday, the 24th."

Vince McMahon is coming to see us?

This is our shot at making it into the WWE,

to be real wrestlers!

- My God! - My God!

Guys, listen!

We seriously have to focus here.

We've exactly three days before the scout see us wrestle.

We've got to step it up and work it like never before!

Time for the second act. Let's bring the crowd back

from intermission and then improvise some stuff!

No, I think Congo is a great wrestler.

I just think Rad Russian has his number.

But Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues.

Looks like intermission is over. We better head back.

I left my wife today.

Walked out of the apartment without saying a word.

I ran away from my responsibilities,

just I like always do.

And I, again,

am alone.

Here he is. Hiding in the forest as I told you!

Juggernaut, there's to be an ultimate Smackdown this Saturday.

Are you going to run from that as well?

I'll fight anytime, anywhere!

He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities.

What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother,

and yet Congo saved my life in Nam!

It's El Pollo Loco!

Thanks for coming.

I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you to Sizzler.

What's this about? We should be writing our monologues.

Kenny and I have been talking.

Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right?

And it might never come again.

The way we see it, we have three primary obstacles

in making Smackdown a great show.

What?

Let's face it. They can't wrestle for crap.

Every time, they flub a line or blow their monologue.

And Token, he has no emotion, no timing.

He's the worst wrestler I've ever seen.

- He's right. - What?

It's hard to do your best wrestling against Token.

- Right? - Butters and Jimmy,

they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers.

So then WWE will recruit us and not them.

They're gonna hurt our chances!

Because the new material

I've written is stuff they can't handle, we'll suffer from it.

So what?

We gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles.

Somebody who can do the harder stuff so that Token, Butters and Jimmy

- can have smaller parts. - How do we find this person?

It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts.

Number 17, step forward please.

You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist

and your parents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go.

You dirty, Muslim bastard!

I don't trust you. And I never will!

Do you know how it feels to lose your parents.

No, you wouldn't, you smelly brown middle eastern piece of...

Thank you. Number 24.

You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips

but just learned that she had sex with her father. Go.

Your father?

Your own father?

I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick whore!

Thank you.

- That guy's a pretty good wrestler. - Yeah, not bad.

Can we get number 37 to step forward again?

Want to get to know you better. What can you tell us about you?

Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins.

Started watching wrestling when I was four years old.

My father, he liked it too...

until he died.

Sometimes I think it's because of him I follow this dream.

All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a wrestler.

Fighting in the ring,

winning that belt.

And so I dreamed every night

that I was the undertaker,

smashing skulls in,

breaking arms.

- Damn, that is some badass wrestling. - Yeah, this guy crushes.

It isn't fair.

All my hard work.

{/$WRESTLING SMACKDOWN BRINGS WWE PRESIDENT}

I'm not going to take it anymore.

That wrestling show is in for a big surprise.

I'm putting an end to this once and for all.

{/$ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT}

He's here!

Vince McMahon is here!

It's really him!

He's here. My God!

All right. Places everyone!

Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation:

Smackdown.

- What's going on? - You know what's going on.

It's Smackdown tonight. We might have to fight each other.

You shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer?

Wait a minute. Who is that?

It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene!

You aren't welcome here, Triceratops!

Stay calm. You know what you have to do

for the good of real wrestling.

No, Irene please, just this once,

do not abort this baby.

My body, my right.

In fact, I'm junking for the rush so badly,

- I won't make to it the clinic. - You can't possibly mean that...

Maybe I'll have another abortion right here, right now.

There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene.

A baby you aborted many years ago survived.

And he's here now.

Mother! Why did you abort me? Why?

He is alive!

You, get back in the trash condition where you belong.

What do you think?

They are decent wrestlers.

We'll see how they develop their through line in the second act.

I thought I would find you here, Triceratops!

Stay out of my business, Sgt. Hammerclaw!

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits.

Don't mind me. I was just about to...

What the fuck is this?

How I long for the spring meadows of Russia.

The soft Russian sky.

When are you going to face reality, Congo?

Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one!

He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be!

Lies! These are all a bunch of lies!

Now, you listen here, El Pollo Loco.

Your wife was killed, but you can't keep Irene's aborted baby.

Just let him crawl back Mexico, Sgt. Hammerclaw.

Only one shot.

Maximum damage.

This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole.

Your fault we all die here right now.

For wrestling!

Shut up!

You idiots want wrestling?

This is wrestling.

We want some real wrestlers.

This is just a bunch of garbage.

And you're all ruining the good name of wrestling.

Wrestling is from ancient Greece.

It's in the Olympics.

What the hell do you care? Get off the wrestling mat.

Why do I care?

These kids made it so real, wrestling is gone from schools.

It's practically gone from the culture.

Damn it. They took my job!

What?

- They took his job. - I know.

You want to know pain?

Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport,

to a career,

and then having it all ripped away from you

like a baby from its mother.

- Man, they took his job. - They took his job.

Lost everything.

Couldn't even afford to pay for my little retriever Rex anymore.

Animal control came and got him.

They took his dog!

I ended up on the streets stealing.

Got busted by the police and had to spend the night in jail.

The other inmates, they beat me up and fractured my jaw so I couldn't eat.

They broke his jaw!

They broke his jaw!

So you see, I have nothing left.

Nothing!

Not even the will to live.

Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances

- I have ever seen. - What?

Will you not join our wrestling organization?

I promise to make you our leading act.

- You mean it? - Come.

I want to get you in rehearsals right away.

What?

What about us? Our show?

Sorry, boys. You are decent wrestlers,

but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has.

This is your fault, Kyle. You screwed up the second act.

Me? It was your stupid ass writing.

Face it, Stan's crappy singing is what who sunk us.

What the hell is this?

This is garbage fight.

Screw this. This is just stupid.

Fake!

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