Original subtitles

- [James] There's somebody walking here.

Is that, is that the same-

- Nah, I think you're just hearing things.

- [James] No, no, listen.

(floorboard creaking)

Yeah, somebody's walking around.

- [Lisa] Oh yeah, I'm hearing something.

- What? (sighs)

- Wait, wait-

- Right, listen, listen to me.

Here's, let's not take any chance.

- [James] You want me

to turn off the light? - It's really scary down here.

- Go turn the light off.

- [James] Okay, okay.

(Tom shushing)

- [Tom] This is like-

- Okay, I'll turn the light off.

(footsteps approaching)

Hello?

- [Lisa] We are not afraid of you.

- Oh, say something, asshole! - Alright, lets go.

- Here I am, fucking assholes.

- Whoa! Whoa.

- [Levi] Dude, they were just coming down the stairs, man.

Like, seriously. - What are you doing here?

- Um.

- We're hunting ghosts.

- Just hunting ghosts.

- [James] Are you paranormal investigators?

- Why were you- - Yes, yes!

- [James] Wait, do you guys actually have a show

or is it for YouTube?

- Yes, yes, yes, YouTube. - Yes, we have

to look like this- - "Dead Shall Dead Remain".

- I don't wanna look like this

all the time. - "Dead Shall Dead Remain"?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Are you familiar with this?

- [James] With this?

- Para, with whatever they're doing?

- I don't know who they are- - Paranormal investigators.

- [James] But I know about-

- They're paranormal investigators.

- [James] I know about the process,

they try to get voices, right?

You guys listen for-

- Voices, energy. - Oh, EBP, yeah.

- We have it recorded

if you wanted to put it into your show.

- Well, you know what? You know, it's awesome.

Well, we're not, it's not horror,

we're not shooting a horror thing.

- Yeah, what are you doing in the basement with a gun?

- That's- - Yeah, that's our question.

- [Investigator] You're not living

at this address? - We're rehearsing.

We're rehearsing.

- Oh, they're rehearsing. - But I'll tell you what.

- For sure. For sure. - You came to the right place

because this place is haunted.

Like in '96, I believe, there was a mafia hit.

Where they stabbed a guy down here.

- Uh-huh? - He got away,

they tackled him, they brought him back down here,

chopped him into little pieces

right where you're standing.

- Wow! - Right exactly

where you're standing.

And they were- - Oh God.

- [Tom] He was thrown in the incinerator

and they never found him again.

- (gasps) Is it-

(light bulb shattering) (all yelping)

- [Tom] Oh, God.

- So what do we got, what do we got here?

What do we got going? What's on the menu?

- So, this is another learning lesson today,

- [James] He looks familiar, right?

- You probably- - Did we see that happen?

- I think so. - Yeah?

- [Tom] What I'm doing is I'm just taking these out, look.

- Oh. Okay. - Taking a little.

- [James] Doing a little dentistry.

- [Tom] A little dentistry.

- [James] Well, why are you taking the teeth out?

- Because what happens is when they usually go,

when they find a body. - Yeah?

- [Tom] Obviously this is gonna decay.

- Oh. Right.

- And look at that.

- Yeah, I mean- - Looks like Muhammad Ali now.

- [James] Yeah, I mean, I've seen worse.

I mean, I guess that guy's as dead as-

- You wanna try it? - He's not coming,

you want me to?

I would love to. - James, James, James,

we can't get involved.

- [James] Oh, it would be unethical

if I actually got involved.

- Really? At this point? - This isn't fun and games.

- [James] I am kind of tempted.

I mean, like, you know, like, hey,

Werner, what would Werner do?

Werner I think would actually, maybe even give it a shot.

- [Lisa] He would talk about the misery of the teeth.

- [James] The darkness of the soul and, yeah.

Perhaps I will try, I think perhaps we should destroy this-

- You could be involved, well, regardless, watch.

Just watch, watch.

- Oh. - Ready?

- [James] He's okay, he's not gonna feel that, right?

He's dead, because like, sometimes your guys come-

- [Tom] Look, he's doing a good job.

Just, you got it?

- Oh, fuck. That's hard. - It's alright, you know,

it took me a while to master that.

- Oh, shit! - James we're crossing a line.

- [Tom] No, he's crossing some teeth.

- Yeah, but it's still like- - Oh my God.

- Now I'm committed. - Oh my God! Oh my God!

- Okay, it's coming. - You know, the gum

is holding it in.

- Oh, shit. - He's got strong gums,

this guy.

Just- - Oh, okay. Alright.

- [Tom] Just put it here.

- Look at that. - So, so, so.

- Look at that. - Now you can say you did it.

- I did that. - You did it once.

- [Lisa] Here, hold it up again.

- [James] I did that.

- [Lisa] If I have to deal with you breaking protocol-

- What? It's- - Let me just get

a good shot of it.

- Also, you know, part of this is exploration

and self-aware, self discovery,

and I feel like I've discovered something about myself.

- [Tom] So when you- (steady dramatic music)

? Down the road where nobody goes ?

? There is a story only two people know ?

? Well, one lies dead while the other lives free ?

? I'll tell it, dear, if you'll listen to me ?

? Well, one summer day, the weather was nice ?

? Two young lovers, a groom and a bride ?

? That night, they share the same bed ?

? Didn't know that they would end up dead ?

- Well, again, since, you know, I'm producing this film.

- Right. - Right, and you know,

it's going really well.

And I'm getting, you know, Eric.

Yeah, Eric Roberts, who's a big name, to direct.

Everybody kind of knows me now.

It's funny 'cause everybody last year

knew me as the Insurance Adjuster.

Everybody's starting to know me as Tom the Producer.

- [James] Oh, you're kinda like a big shot.

- Ah, well, yeah, so so.

What I wanna do is, you know,

I wanna play the role.

- [James] How the hell did you get Eric Roberts?

That's weird.

- You know what, all these Hollywood types,

you know, they hear you have money.

They hear you're ready to invest.

You know.

- [James] It's a tough racket.

- I know.

I know, but like I said,

I think because of my pedigree,

I don't think anybody's gonna mess with me.

- [James] Yeah, but do they know that?

- No, they just know me as a producer.

- Yeah. Okay, so what are we doing here?

You're folding your laundry?

Is that what's going on here?

- Is this, this is the real question?

- [James] Yeah.

- Yeah. I'm baking a cake.

- Right. - Of course, of course.

- I don't know, we've never gotten this intimate

on our last shoots. - Yeah, I mean,

why are we getting me folding laundry,

is there any reason why we're getting me folding laundry?

- I just wanna round you out.

- You know, day in the life. - You wanna round me out?

- We're functionally trying to, you know,

just gonna get a sense of your mood.

What you're doing at home, how you're feeling.

- Right. - You know, because again,

we got criticized by not really capturing

the full picture or something.

- I'm not gonna lie, I'm stunned.

I thought by now I was gonna be like,

the biggest sensation.

- Well, Japan, they love you. I told you.

- Yeah. But again, you know.

- That's good. - Unless I go for sushi,

who knows that I exist?

You know, we all know, you know.

- Yeah, no- - Really, I mean,

first of all, I should be iconic

from this fucking last documentary.

- Yeah, you should be a star. - Right? I should be iconic.

- I totally agree, yeah. - Right?

I should be like on, on a level, you know,

the guy who won "Big Brother".

- Right on. - Right?

- [James] Yes, definitely. Yeah, like that guy.

- Right, I mean, at least the guy who won "Big Brother".

- [James] Yeah.

- I should be more known than those guys

that were in "Naked and Afraid".

- [James] Or Snooki even?

- Snooki. Right, I mean-

- Maybe that's a little big, but something like that.

- Yeah, I mean, I should be like,

I should be an iconic guy, I mean.

- [Lisa] Like Staten Island Shore.

- Right, but the thing is,

if people wanna see a hitman.

- Yeah. Well, if people- - I'm the guy.

- Yeah, exactly. - And that's not,

that wasn't the case,

I really thought this was gonna be.

And, you know- - It still could be,

I mean, we're working on it.

- Well, listen, that's why I'm taking another stab, bro.

That's why I'm now doing the whole producer thing.

- Yeah, yeah. - And-

- That's the thing though, right? You're into that.

- 'Cause now I'm controlling my own destiny.

And listen, I got some things I wanna share with you,

I can't wait to show you.

- What? - Tell you my biggest,

well, A, I'm gonna show you the footage.

- Right, yeah.

- The trailer? - Yeah?

- On the level of "Star Wars".

- Oh. - Oh.

- "Goodfellas".

- Really?

- "Casino". - Right! Shit.

- Think of the biggest gangster films ever.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And then think of the biggest vampire movies.

- So "Interview with the Vampire" meets "Goodfellas".

- It's "Interview with the Vampire" meets "Goodfellas".

It's- - Nice. Nice.

- What's that movie with Kate Beckinsale?

- "Twilight". Oh.

- "Twilight"? - With the wolves and the-

- "Twilight".

- No, no, no, no. It's with the wolves against the...

- "Twilight".

- No, it's not "Twilight". - "Twilight".

- [Tom] No.

- Yes, with wolves and vampires!

- No, no, no, no, but this is a different one.

- "True Blood"? - With the Lycans?

- Oh, "Underworld".

- "Underworld". This is "Underworld" meets "Godfather".

I mean, it's that-

- It's kind of "Underworld" meets "Underworld", really,

actually 'cause they're gangster movies.

- That's a very good, yeah, you know what?

I might even use that. - Yeah.

- It's "Underworld" meets "Underworld".

- Yeah, sure. Yeah. - Right?

- That's pretty funny. - Who's the king

of the underworld?

- Yeah, exactly. There you go.

- Interior, underground, crypt, night.

A dimly lit eerie underground crypt

serves as a secret base for a coven of mafia vampires.

That's our presentation, okay?

- Yeah. - Let's scare the hell

out of everybody, okay?

Now, really feel these roles. - Alright.

- Feel this living death you are.

And give it to me, okay, Vittorio.

Vittorio, you begin.

- Tonight, my brethren, we continue to reign

in both the worlds of the crime and the supernatural.

Hold on, man, I'm getting a text from my wife.

- [Actor] You should have that off.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hold on, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry guys.

- This is everyone's time! - Alright, alright.

- Hey, guys. - Can we go back?

Can we just go back? - Guys, wait a minute.

- [Actor] I just had to tell her

I'm in the middle of a read, my bad.

- I have an idea.

Catch, boss!

- No, no! (group laughing)

- [Eric] Thank you, thank you.

- I know a woman can do that. - You would shut off her phone

for dialogue, and here we go.

- [Victoria] Yes.

- You tell me when.

- Action.

- [Levi] So, so, yeah.

- So anyway- - It's a legitimate film shoot

you got going on.

- It's a legitimate film shoot.

I got Eric to direct.

- [James] Hi, this is, what do you do?

- This is, this is- - I'm Sage.

- Sage, right? - I'm Eric's assistant, yeah.

- It's Eric's assistant.

- Oh, okay. - I'm Eric's assistant.

- She doesn't- - Sorry to just intervene.

Just one quick thing, is Mr. Roberts' mic okay?

Have you checked it lately?

- Have you asked him?

Because I can't go down for this again.

- Is this the sound person?

- This is her. - Because I'm doing sound

on this show. - No, that's-

- No, no, I'm IT, I'm just checking batteries.

Batteries. You got your mic but I need to ask her-

- He really was upset with me last time

so I really can't have that happen.

- [Tom] You guys know

what an IT is? - I don't talk to him.

- Yeah, IT. - Yeah, we know what an IT is,

thank you very much. - Tech, yeah,

we know the whole thing. - I'm on it.

- [James] She's got the dries and everything

for all your dailies. - Yes. She's very important.

- [James] Yeah, yeah.

- We continue to reign in both the world-

- Okay, it's all one phrase, tonight, my brethren.

Go easy on yourself, go through, go through.

Don't chop everything up into little pieces.

- Okay. - Okay? And action.

- [Tom] Excuse me, wait, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I'm listening. - I'm sorry to interject.

It sounds to me, and I'm not part this world.

- I'm listening I'm listening. - That he's just kind of,

reading with no feeling.

He's just kind of saying the words.

- Feeling. Feel it, feel it. - I can always feel it.

- The boss wants you

to feel it. - It's inspired

by a mafia thing. - Feel it, feel it, feel it.

- It's called "Cryptid Shadows".

- Oh, big names. - Oh, okay.

- And you guys actually knew the name before I did.

- [James] Oh, wait, you have hats?

- I got you guys hats.

- Oh my God! - Oh my God,

I'm so wearing that. - What? Oh my God.

- So I would love you to guys to wear this thing.

- I'm 100% wearing your hat. - While you're on set.

- Absolutely, no problem. - You know what I mean?

Take one. - I'm so,

I'm legitimately happy right now.

- These are for you guys.

- [Lisa] Oh my God, thank you so much.

- [James] So you're actually like,

you're using the money that you make

as an insurance adjuster?

- As an insurance adjuster.

- [James] To finance a movie?

- To finance a movie.

Which I think we're gonna make millions of dollars.

- [James] I guess, an interesting way to,

you know, the money.

- Okay. Who's my Isabella?

- I can do it. - You're Isabella.

Okay. Whenever you're ready, Isabella, take it.

- Should I do an Italian accent?

- You should do the accent that God gave you.

Here we go, our control.

- Our control over the city's crime syndicates

is unmatched, Victoria.

Is it Victoria or Vittorio?

- Vittorio, go ahead. - Vittorio.

- With our vampiric abilities,

we have an edge no other gang can revive.

- It's vampiric, but okay.

Hold the page.

You read. - Mhmm?

- Isabella. - Sure.

- Okay. Give her her cue.

- Okay. - We are vampires.

- [Actor] We are.

I lost my place. - We are the vampires.

- We are the mafia vampires.

Is that good?

- Yes. - Alright.

- Our control over the city's crime syndicates

is unmatched, Vittorio.

With our vampiric abilities,

we have an edge no other gang can rival.

- Very nice, thank you. - I gotta say, I gotta say,

this is probably one of the best things I've ever heard.

- Yeah, that was good. - I'm so proud of this.

- [Eric] I agree.

- [Tom] It's great, you did such a great job with this.

- [Actor] Yeah, I agree.

- I can cast my ass off.

You know that, I know, I know.

- You can do it. - Good work.

Good work, thank you. - That was nice.

- [James] And you're letting them use this house.

I mean, are you sure that like,

I mean, they don't know.

- Well, I think it's ironic, right?

Where I made most of my money

and where I've done a lot of, you know,

shit that's probably worse than vampires do.

- Yeah, yeah. - In the basement?

- Yeah. - That we're right,

standing above right now. - You could use those

for effects and no one would know.

- We're literally standing- - Yeah.

- On top of where I do most of my work.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Wow.

- When you think about it. - All your adjusting.

- Ironically enough.

- Back to murder house. - Yeah.

- Tonight, my brethren,

we continue to reign in both the worlds of crime

and the supernatural.

- Nice, nice.

- Our power knows no bounds.

We are the mafia vampires.

- Nice!

I'd say so. I'd say so. - Better? Was that better?

- I'd say so. - Was that better?

- Free Palestine. - I mean, the thing

that's not real to me is the Botox and the hair.

That doesn't play as a real hit man.

- It's like, he went so Hollywood.

- He went so Hollywood, I don't know what to do with that.

- As the documentarians,

we rubbed off on him so now he thinks he's a,

that's the problem with, I keep saying ethical,

the not getting involved and we're trying to stay away.

- Not affecting him.

- We ended up affecting him

because now he's a Hollywood guy.

Like, he's all, look at him.

His hair is frosted, he's got Botox.

- We've let Schrodinger's hit man out of the box.

- Exactly. - So like.

- Yeah. - Yeah! (laughs)

- Yeah, we observed and we changed him.

- Exactly.

- [James] I mean, I was trying to explain to you before.

- [Tom] Yeah, I still don't know now,

I'm supposedly, apparently I'm big in Japan right now, guys.

- [James] That's right.

- Am I bigger to Godzilla right now?

- You're big.

We sold it and yes, that's right.

You have a following in Japan, yeah, absolutely.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- [Trainer] Give me four more, Tom.

Come on, Tom. Good.

- And, you know, I gotta look the role, and-

- [James] Wait.

Is that Stacey?

- Wait, what? - I think that's Stacey.

- It is Stacey.

- [James] Dude, hello. Hi.

- [Tom] Fucking pain in the ass.

- [James] We're like friends, right? We broke bread.

- Stacey. Stacey!

Did she, did she say anything?

- No, she left something.

- She just walked in and just left this?

- Yeah.

- Mind if I take this?

- Yeah, of course.

(Tom sighing)

- [James] What's it say?

- Very top secret message here.

- [James] Really?

- "I need my shoes."

- [James] I feel the love!

- Is this fucking crazy?

- It's great.

I mean, I don't know what happened to her, right?

Like she disappeared that time.

- I haven't seen her before or since

but she comes back, she asks me for shoes.

- That's like, because it's, your career.

- It's a fucking pair of shoes! Buy another pair!

You have more than enough money, right?

- [James] Yeah.

- That's what I needed, fuck up my workout?

"I need my shoes."

I need a fucking hole in the head is what I need.

- Where did she go? - Guy comes in.

- Yeah, yeah, just ignore it, man. Blow it off.

- And I'm dating somebody new, you know.

- Oh really? - Yes.

Somebody really, yo.

- [James] Oh, I can't wait to meet her.

That would be awesome.

- Yeah, I don't want to even get into it

about her right now

'cause I just wanna surprise you.

I don't want you to even see,

I'm not even gonna get into who I'm dating right now

'cause I think you guys will be really impressed.

- [James] Really?

- She's awesome. She's full of energy.

- [James] So let me ask you, does it bother you

that your new boss, Victoria, whatever, boss,

whatever she said she is,

does it bother you that she can control you

where you're not allowed to even talk to Stacey?

- I'm a little taken back

because she really went way up into power

because of what I did.

You know, by killing Inessa.

- [James] Sure, yeah, you cleared up.

- So I kind of cleared everything out.

- [James] Yeah.

- So her main competition was wiped out by me.

Not by any of her henchmen

or by any of her close, you know.

Me. - Yeah.

- So you'd think I would get a little more respect

and then you're gonna take your daughter away from me.

- Yeah.

- It is what it is.

Everything's been for a reason.

But I think my new girlfriend,

she brings a side of me out and stuff

that I never was, I didn't know existed.

- [Carlo] Oh, Jimbo, it's Carlo.

Give me a call back, I wanna talk to you

about that documentary that you're doing

with that bozo Tom over there.

I think it'd be way better

if you put me as the main subject.

Anyway, give me a call back,

kiss your sister for me,

brush your hair and take care.

- [James] I'm sure there'll be another opportunity.

But I just wanna say that.

- Oh. - It's that guy from,

it's Carlo.

- Hey, how you doing?

- [James] Hey.

- Tommy. What's up?

Got the stuff?

- Yeah, I do.

Lemme see.

You gotta do me a favor.

You gotta speak to Victoria.

This ain't my thing.

I'm not a drug guy.

- I don't do favors for people like you,

Lance Bass looking ass.

You take any of these fucking drugs?

Really? (scoffs)

I wouldn't be surprised.

- He didn't take drugs. - Jimbo.

- Hey Carlo. Mr. Carlo, is that right, Carlo?

- Yeah, how you doing, sir?

- Really nice to see you again.

- Nice to see you too. - Genuinely nice to see you.

- Sweetheart, how you doing?

- Huh? - That's my sister.

- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.

- [James] His wife.

- Your wife?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. We're married. - Same thing.

- [Levi] We're in love.

- Yeah, we're in love. - Appreciate it.

I was telling you about it

the last time I gave you a call,

I don't know if you got it.

- [James] What's that?

- This documentary shouldn't be about this bozo over here.

Okay? - Why is that?

- This is a freelance button man.

I'm the real gangster.

- [James] I don't, none of that means anything to me.

I don't know what you're fucking talking about.

What does that mean?

- I outrank this man.

- Outrank? - He works for me.

He don't work for anybody- - I thought he worked

for Victoria and also he's kind of freelancing.

So, I don't know, I mean, I've been around him for a while.

- Lemme tell you something, lemme tell you something.

- [James] Yeah?

- Gangsters don't look like this.

Bleach their hair, Botox.

Look, his face doesn't even fucking move when he's mad.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Tell them.

- What? - Tell them, Tommy.

- I'm Lance Bass.

- Thank you. - Jesus Christ.

- Thank you. - Wow. Geez.

- Matter of fact, Tommy,

you're gonna carry this to the car me.

- [James] Oh, fucking...

- Pleasure's all mine. - Kind of an asshole.

- Sweetheart.

Me and you. Dinner tomorrow night.

Come on, some vino, some prosciut'.

- [Lisa] Dream on, toddler, I'm married.

- Oh, married.

Who cares about marriage? Really?

Do you care? I don't care.

I don't care.

He can't answer you anyway, who knows?

This man likes men. (laughs)

- [Lisa] And listen, you know what?

You're not even half the man that Tom is.

- I'm a whole man, this guy's a bozo, a clown.

- [Lisa] He is not, cut your shit.

- Look at this, come here. - Fronting.

- Bring the camera closer, look.

- You're fronting. - Look at this.

My clothes cost more than everything on this man's body.

- [Lisa] You got that on a blanket in Chinatown.

- If the blanket's $5,000, honey, you're right.

- You're super- - Tommy,

bring it to the car for me.

- Jesus Christ. - I'll be back, guys.

- [James] He thinks he's fucking

"Goodfellas" over here. - I'll be back.

- [Lisa] Yeah I know! (laughs)

You're gonna come after us?

- Giving Tom shit, like, whatever, alright.

Carlo, it's good to meet you.

Tell you what, I'm gonna fucking buy you an Adidas thing

because you know what?

I also can afford a fucking Adidas fucking knockoff.

- I sent you a package,

I'll see you at your house tomorrow.

- Alright, brother.

Oh, my house? Oh, he knows my address, great.

- [Lisa] Fuck!

- Brush your hair, Hippy Jesus.

- [James] Okay, I will.

? Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room ?

? Alcohol on my breath, better put on a little perfume ?

? I'm out looking for a man who makes me feel ?

? Like you used to a long time ago ?

? But you're out in the street instead of home next to me ?

? Planting seeds where nothing will grow ?

? So pick your poison, why don't you drink it down ?

? Don't you feel better now, able to face the crowd ?

? Pick your poison, come on, give into sin ?

? If you just sniff one more line ?

? Then you'll feel home again, take me home ?

? Walk of shame, four A.M., oh man it's cold ?

? Knees are weak, I need a drink, this is getting old ?

? I used to hold your hand ?

? But now I hold this bottle so close to my heart ?

? Use all these strange men just to feel whole again ?

? But you said that we'd never part ?

? So pick your poison, why don't you come on down ?

? To the local bar in town, just to see who's around ?

? Pick your poison, misery loves company ?

? But the drugs just ain't as fun as they used to be ?

? We're out here getting high 'cause we feel so low ?

? I need a little powder for my nose ?

? I've been empty for years, just trying to fill ?

? The void where we both used to live ?

? And I drink every night just to try to forget ?

? But I know that I'll never forgive ?

? So pick your poison, let it drag you down ?

? Six feet underground, never make your mama proud ?

? Pick your poison, come on, you're in too deep ?

? Oh, the demons in your head, they got you losing sleep ?

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