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1
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,763
OH, MAX, I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.
2
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,233
BUT DR. BAKER HAD AN
EMERGENCY TONSILLECTOMY.
3
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:37,513
OH, REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
BABY DOCTORS PULLED TONSILS.
4
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:40,372
NO, IT WAS DR. BAKER'S
TONSILS THAT WERE PULLED, MAX.
5
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,075
OH, ALL RIGHT, 99.
6
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,810
NOW ACCORDING TO THE
CHIEF'S INSTRUCTIONS,
7
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,991
WE WERE TO GET DOWN
HERE AND KEEP OUR EYE OUT
8
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,559
FOR ANYBODY WHO
LOOKED SUSPICIOUS.
9
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,316
RIGHT, MAX. WHAT
ELSE DID HE SAY?
10
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,186
WELL, HE SAID THAT SOMETHING
VERY STRANGE AND UNUSUAL
11
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,599
WAS GONNA TAKE PLACE HERE TODAY.
12
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,457
NOW THAT IS NICE.
13
00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:00,503
WHAT WOULD YOU
SAY THAT IS WORTH, 99?
14
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,527
OH, A LOT, MAX.
THAT'S A VAN GOGH.
15
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,829
ISN'T HE THE GUY WHO
CUT OFF HIS OWN EAR?
16
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,842
RIGHT. HE SENT IT
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
17
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,878
HE MUST REALLY
HAVE LOVED HER A LOT.
18
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,735
EITHER THAT OR HE HATED HIS EAR.
19
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,106
NOW THAT LOOK MUCH BETTER
20
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:18,143
THAN THE PICTURE OF THE GIRL
WITH THE DUMB SMILE ON HER FACE.
21
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,123
Mario: YEAH, THAT'S-A NICE.
22
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,547
- MARIO?
- YEAH?
23
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,217
YOU THINK THE BOSS
IS GONNA LIKE THIS ONE?
24
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,253
HE'S GONNA LOVE IT.
25
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:32,858
MAX, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!
26
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,238
99, THIS IS THE MOST
BLATANT DAYTIME ROBBERY
27
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,374
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
28
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:39,442
TAKE YOUR HANDS
OFF THAT PICTURE.
29
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,178
HOW'S-A WE GONNA TAKE THE
PICTURE IF WE DON'T USE OUR HANDS?
30
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,837
RICO, YOU TAKE-A PIC,
I TAKE CARE OF HIM.
31
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:49,541
- MAX, THAT'S PROBABLY
A PRICELESS VASE!
- WAIT A MINUTE!
32
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,711
YOU CAN'T USE A PRICELESS
VASE FOR A WEAPON.
33
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,184
HOLD IT! HOW MUCH
IS THAT WORTH, 99?
34
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:02,353
- LOOK OUT!
- MAX, HOLD IT, YOU'RE
MAKING A MISTAKE.
35
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:05,234
CHIEF, THANK HEAVENS YOU'RE HERE.
THESE MEN WERE STEALING A PAINTING.
36
00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:06,758
CHIEF, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.
37
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,306
THEY WERE TRYING TO TAKE IT RIGHT
OUT OF HERE IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES!
38
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,396
MAX, STEALING IT AND TAKING IT
39
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,276
ARE TWO ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT THINGS.
40
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,844
THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO TAKE IT.
41
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,170
OF COURSE, THOSE MEN
HAVE A RIGHT TO-T-T...
42
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:19,904
THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO TAKE IT?!
43
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,173
I KNOW THIS IS GOING
TO COME AS A SHOCK.
44
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,843
BUT THAT PAINTING AND
EVERY PAINTING IN THIS MUSEUM
45
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,578
BELONGS TO THE
MAN THEY WORK FOR.
46
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:30,259
BUT CHIEF, EVERYTHING IN THIS
MUSEUM BELONGS TO THE UNITED STATES.
47
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:32,283
THAT'S THE TROUBLE, 99.
48
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:35,620
THE MAN THEY WORK FOR
OWNS THE UNITED STATES.
49
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,314
BUT IT SOUND INCREDIBLE, CHIEF.
50
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,183
HOW COULD ONE MAN
OWN THE UNITED STATES?
51
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,973
WHAT'S EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE IS
52
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,442
WHY ONE MAN WOULD WANT
TO OWN THE UNITED STATES.
53
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:08,023
WELL, ALL I KNOW IS THAT A DOCUMENT
WAS RECENTLY UNEARTHED IN GENOA, ITALY,
54
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:09,825
PROVING THAT
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
55
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:13,017
CLAIMED THE UNITED
STATES FOR HIMSELF IN 1492.
56
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,964
- OH, I GET WHAT YOU'RE
DRIVING AT, CHIEF.
- WHAT?
57
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,888
WELL THAT MEANS THAT
THE NATION'S CAPITAL
58
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:20,525
WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED FROM
WASHINGTON D.C. TO COLUMBUS, OHIO.
59
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,672
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
60
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,407
GO ON WITH YOUR STORY, CHIEF.
61
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,543
WELL, OUR COUNTRY WAS
TRANSFERRED VERBALLY TO SPAIN.
62
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:29,778
THEN A FEW CENTURIES,
OUR FOREFATHERS TOOK OVER.
63
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:31,514
NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT
I'M GETTING AT, MAX?
64
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,738
DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO
DO WITH THE CIVIL WAR, CHIEF?
65
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,473
MAX, WHAT HE'S SAYING
66
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:38,087
IS THAT WE TOOK OVER A COUNTRY
THAT WE HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE OVER.
67
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,712
EXACTLY. ACCORDING
TO INTERNATIONAL LAW,
68
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,820
THE DOCUMENT THAT
WAS UNEARTHED IN GENOA
69
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:46,317
PROVES CONCLUSIVELY THAT CHRISTOPHER
COLUMBUS STILL OWNS THE UNITED STATES.
70
00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:49,186
- WELL, THEN,
WE'RE IN LUCK, CHIEF.
- WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
71
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:51,200
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS IS DEAD.
72
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:54,092
- I KNOW THAT, MAX.
- HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME.
73
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,606
- I KNOW THAT TOO.
- IN CASE YOU'RE
INTERESTED, CHIEF,
74
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,763
PONCE DE LEON IS NO
LONGER WITH US EITHER.
75
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,345
MAX, I'M ONLY
INTERESTED IN ONE MAN...
76
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:06,838
THE DIRECT DESCENDANT OF
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS... GINO COLUMBUS.
77
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,374
AND HE'S THE LEGAL OWNER
OF THE UNITED STATES?
78
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,275
I'M AFRAID SO, 99.
79
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,422
WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, CHIEF.
80
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:16,548
WELL, WE INTEND TO. THE PRESIDENT IS
GOING TO TRY TO TALK GINO COLUMBUS...
81
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,628
INTO SIGNING THE
COUNTRY BACK OVER TO US.
82
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,330
- I - WANT YOU TO MEET
HIM AT THE AIRPORT.
83
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,933
DID YOU HEAR THAT, 99? I'M GOING TO
MEET THE PRESIDENT AT THE AIRPORT.
84
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,157
NOT THE PRESIDENT,
MAX, GINO COLUMBUS.
85
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:28,671
HE'S ARRIVING THIS AFTERNOON
TO LOOK OVER HIS PROPERTY.
86
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:31,140
NOW I WANT YOU TO STAY
WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES.
87
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,943
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE HIS SIDE
FROM THE MINUTE HE WALKS OFF THAT PLANE
88
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,578
UNTIL HE MEETS
WITH THE PRESIDENT.
89
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,435
OH... WELL...
90
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,671
- THERE GOES OUR
BASEBALL GAME FOR TONIGHT, 99.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAX,
91
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,518
I COULDN'T GET A
BABYSITTER ANYWAY.
92
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:44,208
ONE MORE POINT, MAX:
93
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,989
GINO COLUMBUS IS TO BE ACCORDED
94
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,512
THE RED CARPET TREATMENT.
95
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,191
YOU HAVE AUTHORIZATION
TO GRANT HIM
96
00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:51,575
ANYTHING HE WISHES, NO
MATTER WHAT THE COST.
97
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,815
Man over P.A.: Announcing
the arrival of Italian Airways
98
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,340
flight number 46 from Rome.
99
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,809
Passengers now
arriving at gate 17.
100
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,020
Announcing the
arrival of Italian Airways
101
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,889
flight number 46 from Rome.
102
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,426
Passengers now
arriving at gate 17.
103
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,109
COLUMBUS, I'M SMART.
104
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,212
OKAY. HOW IS A-TWO AND TWO?
105
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,850
- FOUR.
- HE'S SMART, ALL RIGHT.
106
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,679
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.
107
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,621
I HAPPEN TO BE MAXWELL SMART,
SECRET AGENT 86 OF CONTROL.
108
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,768
OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY THAT BEFORE?
109
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,603
THIS IS THE MAN
110
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,627
WHO'S GONNA BE MY GUARD-BODY.
111
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,063
AND I LIKE YOU TO
MEET NINA, PINTA...
112
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,832
DON'T TELL ME... SANTA MARIA?
113
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:17,802
NO, THAT'S ROSA.
114
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,615
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, YOU GO
AND CHECK THE BAGGAGE
115
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,551
AND THEN I SEE YOU
OUTSIDE, ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
116
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,686
BE CAREFUL. DON'T
PINCH THE BOYS, HUH?
117
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,350
OH.
118
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,213
OH, SAME TO YOU.
119
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,596
MR. SMART, THERE'S A COUPLE OF
THINGS I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME.
120
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,687
YES, WELL, I'M
UNDER STRICT ORDER
121
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:37,655
TO CATER TO YOUR EVERY WHIM.
122
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:41,025
YOUR IDIOSYNCRASIES, YOUR
COMPULSIVE INCLINATIONS
123
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:44,195
ARE TO BE GRATIFIED WITHOUT
RESERVATION OR RESTRAINT.
124
00:07:44,263 --> 00:07:46,275
- HUH?
- WHATEVER YOU WANT,
YOU GET.
125
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,910
OH, WELL, LISTEN, THAT'S GOOD.
126
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:51,035
YOU KNOW, JUST BEFORE LANDING,
I LOOK OUTSIDE THE AEROPLANE
127
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,115
AND I SEE THIS PLACE
WHERE THE PRESIDENT LIVES.
128
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,439
- THE WHITE HOUSE?
- THE WHITE HOUSE, YES.
129
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,119
WELL, I TAKE ONE LOOK
AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
130
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,644
AND I SAY TO MYSELF, "I
GOTTA DO SOMETHING."
131
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,880
- YOU WANT TO VISIT IT?
- I WANT TO PAINT IT.
132
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,753
DON'T TAKE ANOTHER STEP.
WE ARE KAOS AGENTS GEMINI.
133
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:11,789
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- INFORMATION.
134
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:13,758
TELL US WHAT WE WANT
TO KNOW OR YOU DIE.
135
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,726
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
136
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,506
BESIDES, DO YOU
KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS?
137
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,809
THIS IS GINO COLUMBUS, THE
NEW OWNER OF THE UNITED STATES.
138
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,644
THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED TO KNOW.
139
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,235
MR. SMART, THE JOKE
HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
140
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,264
I MEAN, IT'S VERY AMUSING...
DON'T GET ME WRONG...
141
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,205
BUT I GOT A LOT OF THINGS TO DO.
142
00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:30,119
WHAT YOU GOTTA
DO IS COME WITH US.
143
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,876
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
144
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,212
IT'S EITHER THAT OR GET SHOT.
145
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,516
YOU WANNA GO FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
146
00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:40,685
EH.
147
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:16,587
GOOD AFTERNOON,
MR. COLUMBUS, MR. SMART.
148
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:18,623
MY NAME IS BORGIA.
149
00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:21,926
BORGIA! OF COURSE!
150
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,961
YOU'RE THE MAN WHO
POISONED 23 PEOPLE
151
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,830
AND A PAIR OF PARAKEETS.
152
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:29,834
- NO, MR. SMART.
- 23 PARAKEETS
AND A PAIR OF PEOPLE?
153
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,503
I AM BORGIA OF KAOS.
154
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,974
OKAY, I'LL ACCEPT THAT, BUT DON'T
EXPECT TO HAVE A DRINK WITH MY BIRD.
155
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,144
BORGIA, THAT'S A...
ITALIAN NAME, NO?
156
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,980
I'M HALF ITALIAN.
157
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,848
MY DEAR MOTHER WAS MEXICAN.
158
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,984
MEXICAN AND ITALIAN?
159
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,019
BOY, YOU MUST HAVE
SOME HEARTBURN.
160
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:53,157
SIGNOR DI BORGIA, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, EH?
161
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,666
PERSONALLY, I THINK THAT ALL
AMERICANS ARE A LITTLE BIT, UH...
162
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,129
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
163
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,698
BUT THIS IS BESIDE THE
POINT. I WANT YOU TO KNOW
164
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,033
THAT I OWN ALL OF
THE UNITED STATES.
165
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:08,406
I'M QUITE AWARE OF THAT. THAT'S
WHY YOU WERE BROUGHT HERE.
166
00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,086
I TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
167
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,743
IF YOU LET ME GO, I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU A NICE PRESENT.
168
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,979
I GIVE YOU PITTSBURGH.
169
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,181
WE DON'T WANT PITTSBURGH.
170
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,517
THAT'S FUNNY, NEITHER
DOES PENNSYLVANIA.
171
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:23,487
WE WANT IT ALL, MR. COLUMBUS.
172
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:26,324
SO IF YOU WILL COOPERATE
173
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:28,838
BY SIGNING THIS AGREEMENT
TURNING THE UNITED STATES
174
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:32,230
- OVER TO KAOS...
- JUST A MOMENT,
YOU CAN'T HAND OUR COUNTRY...
175
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,265
I'M SORRY, YOUR COUNTRY,
176
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,501
OVER TO AN
ORGANIZATION LIKE KAOS!
177
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,414
IF I DO THIS FOR YOU, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME?
178
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:39,937
YOUR LIFE.
179
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,439
- GO ON...
- THAT'S IT.
180
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,110
THAT'S IT?!
181
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:48,379
I MEAN, WELL, THE PRICE
IS RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
182
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:52,250
WELL, THE PRICE
ISN'T RIGHT WITH ME.
183
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,849
AY! MAMA MIA!
184
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,118
WHAT'S HE GOT IN HIS
POCKET, A PRINTING PRESS?
185
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:32,656
MUST BE A DUPLICATING MACHINE.
THE COPIES ARE GETTING LIGHTER.
186
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,659
MR. SMART, WE COULD
SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY
187
00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,648
CONTINUING THIS
CHILDISH ACTIVITY.
188
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,044
AS YOU HAVE SEEN, I'M QUITE
PREPARED FOR ALL EMERGENCIES.
189
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,633
THEREFORE, I RECOMMEND
190
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,436
THAT YOU SUGGEST TO
MR. COLUMBUS... TO SIGN.
191
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:49,340
I'M SORRY, MR. BORGIA, BUT I
CANNOT MAKE THAT SUGGESTION.
192
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,075
COLUMBUS?
193
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:54,111
AND I'M ASHAMED OF
YOU BEING HALF ITALIAN.
194
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,180
YOU LEAVE ME NO ALTERNATIVE.
195
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,983
GEMINI, IS THE DOOR LOCKED?
196
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,885
YES AND WE HAVE THE KEY.
197
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,531
WELL, WE'LL GIVE OUR
FRIENDS SOME TIME
198
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,675
TO CONTEMPLATE THEIR DECISION.
199
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:17,768
I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE MINUTES TO
CHANGE YOUR MIND, MR. COLUMBUS.
200
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:21,339
WE'LL DO OUR UTMOST
TO INFLUENCE YOU.
201
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,542
AND SHOULD YOU DECIDE
TO SEE THINGS OUR WAY...
202
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,146
JUST BLOW THIS WHISTLE.
203
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,619
HE WAS JUST PRACTICING.
204
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,933
I WISH WAS IN-A ROMA!
205
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,568
AND I'M FROM VENICE!
206
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,704
AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE-A ROME!
207
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,852
I WONDER WHAT HE
MEANT WHEN HE SAID
208
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:59,343
HE WAS GONNA DO EVERYTHING
IN HIS POWER TO INFLUENCE YOU.
209
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,012
I DON'T KNOW.
210
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,814
BUT BOY, I SURE COULD
GO FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
211
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,417
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
THIRSTY IN ALL MY LIFE.
212
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:11,823
AH, NICE! ROOM SERVICE.
213
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:17,028
COLUMBUS! LOOK AT THE FLOOR!
214
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:18,730
THE WATER, IT'S NOT DRAINING.
215
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:23,612
NOW I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE
SAID HE WAS GONNA TRY AND INFLUENCE YOU.
216
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,048
HE'S GONNA FILL THIS ROOM WITH
WATER AND TRY AND DROWN US!
217
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,417
MR. SMART, DO SOMETHING!
218
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,474
ME? YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO'S THIRSTY.
219
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,198
HOW ARE WE GONNA STOP THE WATER?
220
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,822
GO OVER THERE AND SEE IF WE
CAN FIND A WAY TO TURN IT OFF.
221
00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:50,539
IT'S NO USE! IT'S NO USE!
222
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,341
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES,
WE GONNA BE UNDER.
223
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,143
NO NO NO, LISTEN TO ME PLEASE!
224
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,678
I WANT YOU TO BLOW THE WHISTLE.
I WANT SIGNOR BORGIA TO KNOW
225
00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:59,370
- I CHANGE MY MIND!
- LOOK, COLUMBUS,
226
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,417
THIS IS GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND,
227
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,786
- BUT I CAN'T
BLOW THE WHISTLE.
- ARE YOU CRAZY?!
228
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,522
- WE GONNA DROWN!
- I'M SORRY, BUT I'VE
GOT MY REASONS!
229
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:09,758
FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T ALLOW YOU TO
TURN THE UNITED STATES OVER TO KAOS!
230
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,694
TH-TH-THAT'S NOT A
GOOD ENOUGH REASON!
231
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,217
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
232
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,897
I JUST DROPPED THE
WHISTLE IN THE WATER.
233
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,956
- IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?
- THAT'S A BEAUT.
234
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:21,058
UH-OH, SOMETHING IS WRONG.
THE WATER'S RISING TOO FAST!
235
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,594
IT MUST BE COMING FROM
ANOTHER SOURCE THAN THIS.
236
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,733
COLUMBUS, LISTEN.
237
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,370
ONE OF US... ONE OF US HAS TO
DIVE DOWN AND GET THE WHISTLE.
238
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,049
- CAN YOU SWIM?
- N-N-N-NO!
239
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:36,474
OH, WELL, I CAN. SO, I'LL
SWIM AROUND UP HERE
240
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,121
- AND YOU DIVE DOWN
AND GET THE WHISTLE.
- UH-HUH!
241
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,990
TH-TH... THAT DOESN'T
MAKE NO GOOD SENSE!
242
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,847
NOT TO YOU EITHER, HUH?
243
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:45,950
OKAY, I'LL DIVE DOWN AND YOU
STAY UP HERE AND TREAD WATER.
244
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,497
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
TO TREAD THE WATER!
245
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,788
WELL, I'LL BE SEEING
YA DOWN BELOW.
246
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:55,793
LOTS OF LUCK! OH!
247
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:02,466
- HOW DID YOU DO?
- NO GOOD!
248
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:05,014
THIS WAS THE ONLY
THING I COULD FIND.
249
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,105
MR. SMART, YOU PULLED THE PLUG!
250
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,019
THE WATER, IT'S
STARTING TO GO DOWN!
251
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:13,977
- HA HA! WHOO!
- NOW WE GOTTA FIND
A WAY TO GET OUT THAT DOOR!
252
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:15,779
OH YEAH!
253
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,916
- MAX, IT'S ME, 99!
- HEY! THAT'S-A MY WIFE!
254
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:21,224
- HUH?
- THAT'S MY WIFE,
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
255
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,287
- THAT WE'RE GONNA BE SAVED!
- NOT ONLY THAT,
256
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,923
BUT IT MEANS SHE WAS
ABLE TO GET A BABYSITTER!
257
00:15:31,163 --> 00:15:33,631
SO KAOS TRIED TO BEAT US TO IT?
258
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,199
YES, CHIEF.
259
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,869
BUT IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT
99 WAS THERE TO BACK US UP.
260
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,850
WELL, IT COULD'VE BEEN A DISASTER
FOR ALL OF US, BUT IT'S GIVEN ME AN IDEA.
261
00:15:40,874 --> 00:15:42,974
WHAT'S THAT, CHIEF?
262
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:46,021
- Chief: WHAT IS IT, LARABEE?
- CHIEF, I JUST RECEIVED WORD
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE:
263
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:48,190
THE PRESIDENT IS READY
TO MEET WITH MR. COLUMBUS.
264
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,014
HE HAS A DOCUMENT
ALL READY TO BE SIGNED.
265
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,050
I WILL SIGN THE THING.
266
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,318
AND THEN I'M GONNA BOARD
A BOAT AND GO BACK TO ITALY.
267
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,188
- HEY!
- IT WON'T BE
AS EASY AS ALL THAT.
268
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,234
CHIEF, ARE THOSE
LONGSHOREMEN ON STRIKE AGAIN?
269
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,692
NO, LARABEE.
270
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,540
KAOS IS CERTAIN TO MAKE ANOTHER
ATTEMPT AT ABDUCTING MR. COLUMBUS.
271
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,541
I STILL DON'T SEE WHAT
YOUR PLAN IS, CHIEF.
272
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:08,966
WE'LL LET KAOS ABDUCT HIM.
273
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:12,069
THAT'S A TERRIBLE PLAN, CHIEF.
274
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,637
NO, HEAR ME OUT.
275
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,272
WE'LL USE A DECOY.
276
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:18,408
KAOS WILL KIDNAP THE DECOY
AND WHILE THEY'RE TORTURING HIM,
277
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,856
THE REAL MR. COLUMBUS HERE
WILL BE TAKEN TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
278
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,924
NOW DO YOU THINK IT'S
SUCH A TERRIBLE PLAN?
279
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,827
- WELL, IT'S GOT
ONE HITCH IN IT.
- WHAT'S THAT?
280
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,328
- WHO'S THE DECOY?
- YOU.
281
00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:28,797
THAT'S THE HITCH. YOU'LL
NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT, CHIEF.
282
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,966
I DON'T LOOK LIKE COLUMBUS.
I DON'T EVEN SPEAK ITALIAN.
283
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,069
BESIDES, CHIEF, AT
CONTROL TRAINING SCHOOL,
284
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,133
MAX FLUNKED TORTURE
THREE YEARS IN A ROW.
285
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,795
GOODBYE, LARABEE.
286
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,830
GOODBYE, CHIEF.
287
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,167
MAX, THERE'S NOBODY
ELSE I CAN SEND.
288
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,780
ALL MY MEN ARE ON ASSIGNMENT.
289
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,938
I CAN'T PASS MYSELF
OFF AS COLUMBUS.
290
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,046
NOW IF YOU DON'T
TAKE IT, WHO CAN I SEND?
291
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,718
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE IT.
- BUT MAX, IT MIGHT
BE DANGEROUS.
292
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,497
YES, BUT THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE
293
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,800
THAT THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
TELL THAT I'M NOT MR. COLUMBUS.
294
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,102
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TO
REMEMBER NOT TO SIGN ANYTHING,
295
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:10,673
BECAUSE THEY'D BE ABLE TO TELL
MY SIGNATURE FROM HIS SIGNATURE.
296
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,407
HOW WOULD THEY
BE ABLE TO TELL THAT?
297
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,099
VERY SIMPLE, CHIEF. MY
NAME BEGINS WITH AN "S."
298
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,167
HIS BEGINS WITH A "K."
299
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,537
UH... "C"?
300
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:32,216
IT'LL TAKE AT LEAST A WEEK
FOR THE TORCHES TO DRY.
301
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,489
AH! WELCOME BACK,
SIGNOR COLUMBUS.
302
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,492
EH, LINGUINI, LINGUINI!
303
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,528
IT WORKED JUST LIKE
YOU SAID, BORGIA.
304
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:46,164
WE WAITED OUTSIDE CONTROL'S
SECRET HEADQUARTERS,
305
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:49,333
AND HE CAME OUT ALL ALONE.
NO ESCORT, NO NOTHING.
306
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,347
NO BODYGUARDS? NO
CONTROL AGENTS? EXPLAIN THAT.
307
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:55,772
YES. WELL, I WAS ON-A MY
WAY TO LUNCH, AND, UH...
308
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:58,053
- CONTROL WOULD
LET YOU EAT ALONE?
- YES, WELL,
309
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,990
WHEN THEY FOUND OUT I WAS-A
GOING TO HAVE A GARLIC SANDWICH,
310
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:05,783
- THEY INSIST.
- WELL, ARE YOU PREPARED
TO SIGN OVER AMERICA TO US?
311
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,330
OR... DO WE FILL
THIS CRYPT AGAIN?
312
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,626
NO MORE WATER, A LITTLE-A
WINE-A MAYBE, BUT-A NO WATER.
313
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:19,530
- YOUR SIGNATURE THEN.
- I NO GOT-A STRENGTH
TO SIGN ANYTHING.
314
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,098
I'M-A STARVED.
315
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,768
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER,
I'VE BEEN-A SWIMMIN' ALL DAY.
316
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,704
I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU.
317
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,807
I, TOO, REQUIRE CONSTANT
STOKING OF THE HUMAN FURNACE
318
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,143
TO FUNCTION PROPERLY.
319
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:34,990
- GEMINI...
- YES, BORGIA.
320
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,681
RUN OVER TO ANTONIO'S
321
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:39,194
AND GET OUR GUEST
SOME NOURISHMENT.
322
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,851
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
323
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,453
YOU GOT A PENCIL AND A PAPER?
324
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,356
- SHOOT.
- EH?
325
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:48,225
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- AH.
326
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,494
EH, YES-A LET-A ME SEE NOW.
327
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,797
LITTLE-A "FETTACCINONAY."
328
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,633
- "FECCACINI."
- AND A LITTLE
"RABBALALONAY."
329
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,467
"RAVOLINI."
330
00:18:57,536 --> 00:19:00,704
- AND-A SOME "CACHALATORAY."
- "CACHATORINI."
331
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,207
- AND A "MASTOROLAY."
- "MASTOROLAY."
332
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,710
- AND A "RIGGATONONAY."
- "RIGGATONONAY."
333
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:09,179
AND SOME BICARBONATE OF SODA.
334
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,228
ARE YOU THROUGH?!
335
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:26,330
NOT-A QUITE.
336
00:19:57,296 --> 00:20:00,097
THAT'S THE LONGEST
MEAL I EVER WATCHED.
337
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,234
SIGNOR COLUMBUS,
338
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:06,081
YOU ARE STRETCHING MY HOSPITABLE
NATURE TO A BREAKING POINT.
339
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,938
MAMA ALWAYS SAY,
340
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,041
"YOU NO CLEAN-A DA PLATE,
341
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,820
YOU'RE NOT GET-A THE APPLE PIE."
342
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,510
APPLE PIE?
343
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,078
THAT'S NOT AN ITALIAN DISH.
344
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,448
IT IS IF YOU PUT-A
TOMATO SAUCE ON IT.
345
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,450
THAT'S ENOUGH.
346
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,587
ARE YOU READY TO SIGN?
347
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:27,424
I TELL YOU WHAT I'M-A GONNA DO.
348
00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:28,992
I GONNA SIGN-A...
349
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,761
HALF OF MY NAME NOW
350
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:33,597
AND THE OTHER HALF
WHEN I FINISH EATING.
351
00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,165
FINISH WHAT?
352
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,468
I NO HAVE-A THE FULL STOMACH,
353
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,337
I WORRY. I WORRY, I
NO SIGN-A DA PAPE.
354
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:44,474
- BUT YOU ATE ENOUGH
TO SINK A SHIP!
- I KNOW.
355
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:48,245
THE LAST TIME I ATE-A SO MUCH I
WAS ON THE ANDREA DORIA. PFFT.
356
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,549
WELL, IF HE WANTS MORE
FOOD THEN GET HIM MORE.
357
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,786
I CERTAINLY DON'T LIKE
FILLING THIS CRYPT AGAIN.
358
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,255
THIS MONTH'S WATER
BILL IS GONNA BE MURDER!
359
00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:01,559
WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?
360
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,527
- YOU READY?
- READY.
361
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,563
OKAY!
362
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,130
HERE WE GO.
363
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,533
- ANTIPASTO.
- ANTIPASTO.
364
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,368
- LASAGNE!
- LASAGNE!
365
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:16,073
- MOZZARELLA.
- MOZZARELLA.
366
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,177
- MARINARA.
- MARINARA.
367
00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:26,750
- NO BICARBONATE OF SODA?
- JUST THE PRIEST.
368
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:43,245
SIGNOR COLUMBUS,
IT'S BEEN THREE HOURS
369
00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:45,314
SINCE YOU WALKED IN
HERE REQUESTING LUNCH.
370
00:21:45,338 --> 00:21:47,698
WE CAN'T STALL ANY LONGER.
371
00:21:48,841 --> 00:21:50,908
SIGN OR DIE.
372
00:21:52,010 --> 00:21:53,510
OKAY OKAY.
373
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,746
I'M-A TOO FULL AND
I'M-A TOO FAT TO DIE.
374
00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:00,383
WHERE'S THE PEN?
375
00:22:00,452 --> 00:22:02,485
HE MUST HAVE ATE IT.
376
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:04,265
WELL, GET ANOTHER!
377
00:22:04,289 --> 00:22:06,523
NEVER MIND. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
378
00:22:09,295 --> 00:22:11,862
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA
HAND IT TO YOU.
379
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:14,965
PLEASE-A, DON'T-A
HAND-A ME NOTHIN'!
380
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,101
I'M-A FULL UP-A TO HERE.
381
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,570
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT
HOW YOU PUT FOOD AWAY.
382
00:22:19,638 --> 00:22:21,417
YOU KNOW, ME AND MY PARTNER,
383
00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:23,385
WE'VE LIVED IN BOARDING
HOUSES FOR YEARS,
384
00:22:23,409 --> 00:22:25,576
AND WE'VE SEEN A
LOT OF BIG EATERS,
385
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:28,411
BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE.
386
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:34,151
WELL, I WAS JUST TELLING
MR. COLUMBUS THAT...
387
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,453
MR. SMART IS THE NAME, GEMINI.
388
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:39,682
THAT CALL CAME FROM KAOS
AGENT KOVACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
389
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,027
THE REAL COLUMBUS JUST
SIGNED THE UNITED STATES
390
00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:44,935
BACK OVER TO THE UNITED STATES.
391
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,631
GOOD.
392
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,870
WELL...
393
00:22:52,939 --> 00:22:55,906
I GUESS THE MASQUERADE IS OVER.
394
00:22:55,974 --> 00:22:59,376
AND SO IS YOUR LIFE.
SHOOT HIM, GEMINI.
395
00:22:59,445 --> 00:23:01,411
I WOULDN'T DO THAT, GEMINY,
396
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,258
YOU'RE BEING COVERED
BY A CONTROL AGENT.
397
00:23:03,282 --> 00:23:05,216
YOU'RE BLUFFING, SMART.
398
00:23:05,284 --> 00:23:07,251
OH REALLY?
399
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,486
SHOW YOURSELF!
400
00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:15,125
Max: YOU SEE, MY
FRIEND, LAST NIGHT...
401
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:18,095
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING,
WE ARRESTED LOWER GEMINI
402
00:23:18,164 --> 00:23:19,863
AND REPLACED HIM WITH
ONE OF OUR OWN MEN.
403
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,400
GENTLEMEN, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
404
00:23:23,468 --> 00:23:25,135
CONTROL AGENT MUNCHKIN.
31499
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